Scrubs s04e08 Episode Script

Doctor's comin'! What the? Frank, you idiot, your bed's down the hall! I know.
I love you.
Get the feeling patients pretend to be sicker when we're around? Yeah.
You know Mrs Wilson back there? She made her spleen pretend to rupture, and then she pretended to die.
Got me again there, Mrs Wilson.
Since I broke your heart I've held my tongue every time you've been a wiseacre.
Now that you've slept with my brother, we're even so if you bring sarcasm my way, baby, prepare to be stung.
- J.
D - So's your face.
- Doesn't make sense.
- It always makes sense.
- That's stupid.
- So's your face.
I'm on fire.
Hello! Are you familiar with Sacred Heart's community service program? I've noticed you don't listen to a single word people say so my reply is, I think you're the world's biggest jackass - And I look forward to your death.
- You must not be familiar with it.
You're the only staff member not to have completed his 24-hour mandatory service.
Consider yourself suspended until you do.
- Oh, and I'm never dying.
- Oh, God.
Crab claw.
- Did you just pinch my arm fat? - Yeah.
Does it make you mad? - I don't know.
It was - Crab claw.
- What're you doing? - Moving to Milwaukee.
By pinching your arm I'm making you angry instead of overwhelmed - with sadness that I'm leaving.
- You're leaving? Don't cry.
You're gonna make me cry.
They're here.
Ignite the tractor beam.
I should go.
That's my 2.
00.
I can't believe she's leaving.
The hospital just lost its second hottest employee.
Don't think you can drool over her cos you ranked me number one.
Baby, Nurse Tisdale's number one.
You gotta be single to be on the list.
You rank the women of this hospital by their appearance? Calm down, 12.
Yes! Top 20! Look, we should really do something for Molly, like throw her a party.
I don't know, Elliot.
Molly and I really aren't that close.
OK.
A lot happened between that moment and this one.
I should explain.
Elliot did end up throwing Molly a goodbye party.
This is amazing, Elliot.
Thank you.
I also had a piñata made to look exactly like you but I don't know what happened to it.
Whoa, it's getting late.
Big dog wants some candy.
Yes, baby, Molly is attractive, but she doesn't hold a candle to my Puerto Rican princess.
For the last time, Turk, I'm Dominican.
My nephew Ryan is so cute.
He's six.
I was content to flirt in the corner.
The important thing about hospital get-togethers is don't do anything - People'll talk about the next day.
- Wow, look! Flaming shots! cos he goes for a whole day, that he's grown-up.
God, I love it.
Will you excuse me a moment? Put me out, put me out! All right.
Stand back, everyone! I'll handle this! Oh, Doug, why? The sinks are broken! The sinks are broken! Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! So your nephew's six, huh? That's a crazy age.
After the fire marshal closed down the bar we took the party back to our place.
Sorry I'm late.
Player had a date.
Anybody want some chocolate? Eventually, things wound down.
Some people went home.
Some just went to bed.
Good night.
And that's how Molly and I ended up alone on the couch watching that unbelievably romantic scene from Sixteen Candles.
The Donger need food.
No, no that one.
This one.
Happy birthday, Samantha.
God bless Molly Ringwald and this Molly.
Oh, the hell with it.
God bless Mollys everywhere.
Dude, now that I've adjusted your fuel valve, your scooter's going to fly.
Speaking of things that are fly, I made out with Molly.
That was a lame segue, but I've been with you all morning and you've yet to use the words "make" or "out.
" I hope it doesn't bother you.
Nah.
How was it? Weird.
His tongue was freezing.
I gave her the old ice tongue.
It's easy to do.
You just have to be really smooth.
He kept running to the kitchen to put ice on his tongue.
I always hated ice tongue.
And sometimes his lips seem so greasy.
I'm telling you, olive oil.
Dude, just because it's good on salad doesn't mean it's good on your lips.
I wuv your widdle outfit.
Riding in an ambulance takes care of my community service so I'm doing two shifts back-to-back.
I'm gonna knock this thing out in a single day.
How bad can it be? Howdy, partner.
Name's Denise Lemon.
Looks like we got a little ambu-date.
That's ambulance and date put together.
I got a million of those.
I am loving this.
Before you hop in, do me a favour-rooney and check the windshield wiper.
- I got something caught up there.
- No problem.
I got it.
I always get the newbies with that one.
Got you! You know it.
When they strap me in the chair, let them know the murder was just.
Hey, Elliot, I was making out some prescription orders - And speaking of making out - She already told me.
Damn.
I was afraid that was gonna get out.
Does anybody else know that I totally made out with Molly? Up here.
Now that you made out with my best friend, that makes us not even again.
Go get some cotton balls and a toe separator.
Mama needs a pedicure.
Elliot, once you're even, you can't just go back to being not even.
That ain't new, girl.
Admit we're not even, or I'll make you pay.
Yeah.
Now that we're friends, and there's no chance of us ever having sex again, there's not a whole lot I "need" from you, OK? So go ahead and give it your best shot.
Ándale, Juan! Yeah.
I'm not a big car-singing kind of guy.
Oh, "bad case of loving you," Per.
Come on, where's the fun? You don't get this rush at a normal job.
You don't, you don't, you don't.
- Know what I'm saying? - You're saying you don't.
Well, Per, sometimes you do.
Are you looking at my boy, Davey? He's ten there.
He'll always be that age to me.
- I can't take my eyes off of him.
- I don't blame you.
He's gorgeous.
He looks just like his mama.
I'm kidding.
I wish we had more time together.
I do.
When we started school, the first day, he cried, the second day, I cried the third day, we both cried, not cos of school cos we had a go-cart accident.
I think that's how my nose got bent.
Who knows? Nose knows.
I love words.
Don't you love words? I like "strangle".
There she is.
Thanks, Juan.
Hey, it's your last night.
You want to grab a beer or something? - I have to tell you something.
- Someone die from beer? No one can die from beer.
Hey, yo, J.
D.
, toss me a beer, man.
Coming' at you, Shinski.
People can die from beer, Molly.
Shinski didn't, but our friendship did.
J.
D.
, you just don't have that edgy mean streak that I'm attracted to.
You were saying? Dude, what the hell? Oh, that's what's up? Go about your business.
Look, I'm sorry, but I'm attracted to damaged, dysfunctional people and you're just too normal.
Sometimes all it takes is a slammin' hottie to make you dig down deep and discover who you really are.
My emotional journey began at five, when I walked in on my parents having sex in a position my father'd describe as "the jackhammer".
I have a mentor that verbally abuses me every chance he gets and no matter how I try, I can't stop constantly narrating my life.
At that very moment, I feared I had divulged too much.
Molly, I'm narcissistic, I'm pessimistic I'm obsessive, I'm insecure, and I am so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self-sabotage that ends in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair.
Wow.
Boy, I tell you what there, Jordan.
I'm sure glad that shift is Perry! I was telling Jordan about that sneezing attack I had this morning.
Was it 14 or 15 sneezes? Yes, Perry.
Was it 14 or 15 sneezes? What are you doing here, Denise? I heard you were doing back-to-back shifts so I pulled strings so that we could get the old band back together.
- You've always wanted to be in a band.
- Get out of town! - I just came up with that band thing.
- Get out of town! Well, laissez les bons temps rouler.
That's what they say in New Orleans, the Big Easy.
That was my nickname in high school, New Orleans.
I'm kidding.
It was the Big Easy.
I was a huge slut.
I was.
I did everybody.
It's much better without the icy tongue.
I'll remember that.
Why would she lie? - Should we get out of here? - You think you can handle it? No.
But you won't know until after.
You need to clear it with one person first.
Just tell me who.
No.
Oh, what's the matter, J.
D? Freezer got your tongue? - That doesn't even make any sense.
- So's your face.
Damn it! Walked into that one.
The key here is to not seem desperate.
Please, Elliot.
Let me have sex.
She's leaving tomorrow.
It's simple, J.
D.
I'll give you the OK if you admit we're not even.
I am sorry, but that is one thing that will never happen.
- Fine.
We're not even.
- Thank you.
- But Molly just left.
Call her at home.
- I'm not gonna do that.
But I'll write you a note.
"J.
D.
May fornicate with anyone.
" OK, Sasha.
Let's see what your new engine can do.
So little Jack's a baseball fan? - He's two, and he can't talk yet.
- You should get him baseball cards.
I got my son Davey a Ken Griffey Jr card.
Carries it with him wherever he goes.
Never liked the gum, though.
Gum's a weird word, isn't it? You know you ever notice some words, you say them enough they don't even sound like words anymore.
Gum, gum, gum.
Gum, gum, gum, gum, gum, gum, gum, gum, gum! Oh, happy day.
She's blown a fuse.
I swear to God, Jordan, I can't do it again.
It's just one more shift.
Tune her out, and she'll eventually leave you alone.
Consider it done.
Gum! Relax.
At most, you have a minor concussion.
Now I just want to check your pupils, OK? Doug, that's for Ears.
Right.
I'm not stupid.
Where are my clothes? - I sent them to the dry cleaners.
- Oh, Doug! - You responsible for this head blood? - Look, here's the bottom line.
I'm in possession of a note that'd give me permission to have sex with a beautiful woman, but I have no way - Of getting to her apartment.
- Then what are we waiting for? Get in.
Come on! Let's go, go, go, go, go! What are you doing? It's been four years! How do you not get how this works? - Hello.
- Turk, it's me.
Hang on.
I'm doing my diabetes test.
Yes, it's good.
You surgeons are idiots! Oh, I'm the idiot, huh? Well, guess what you were wrong about.
Carla's Dominican! All right, come on up, Per! Let's get this show on the road! I'm gonna go ahead and hang out back here just kind of get acclimated with this area.
Oh, OK.
Hey, funny tidbit Sorry there, De, can't really hear you back here.
Message received.
Can you hear me now? It's like that commercial, "Can you hear me now?" See, now, the only downside is that I can't hear you so I guess I'll just have to talk for both of us.
So back to that tidbit.
Now, that's a funny word.
See, I know what a bit is, but what's a tid? Tid, tid, tid, tid, tid, tid, tid, tid.
Tid, tid, tid, tid J.
D.
, we're over here! Coming! I don't understand what the big deal is.
It's just sex.
It's not just sex.
It's sex with Molly.
Any guy'd kill to have sex with Molly.
Hell, I'd kill to have sex with Molly.
That's it.
Sorry, dude.
Where were you? I was tree'd by that coyote.
Got your phone? He took it.
What now? I can't run in this gown.
It's too loose.
I can't run in these jeans.
They're too constricting.
- Yeah.
This is much better.
- I agree, but my legs are cramping.
You spent too much time crouching in that tree.
- I was kneeling on a nest.
- Just think of Molly, man.
J.
D.
, where are you? J.
D.
, hurry.
Now, that's what I'm talking about.
It's OK.
Hey, Per, I just saw an adorable interracial gay couple.
Just precious.
Look, enough with the squawk box, all right? And just keep your eye on the road.
What do you say? All right.
No more squawk box, but Per don't sweat the roads.
I know 'em like the back of my hand.
Oh, Per, I think I'm hurt.
Not badly hurt.
Just a tidbit.
Ouch.
Elliot, we're in front of Molly's apartment.
Her name isn't listed anymore.
It's either 4G or 5G.
It's 4.
00 in the morning.
Even if you catch her she's leaving for the airport in ten minutes.
Perfect! That'll leave us five minutes to cuddle.
Hi, is Molly here? It's not my wife, is it, Debbie? Dorian, Turkelton.
If you come in, you have to take your shoes off.
Sorry.
Wrong apartment.
Konnichiwa.
Dude, she's outside.
She's about to get in a cab.
I'll never get down there before she leaves.
This is the worst moment of my life.
Or is it the greatest moment of your life? You're right.
Give me that gown.
Go get her, buddy! Hey, this isn't that scary.
Molly? Hey! Sorry about your collarbone.
Say, I've got a community service form here.
- Would you sign it for me? - Sure thing, Per.
So are you gonna come by and visit me later? Denise, that's not very likely, and here's why: All you do is talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.
And when you're not talking, I'm betting you're thinking about talking.
I mean, can I ask you a personal question? Have you ever had a thought that you didn't immediately verbalise? Well, I don't know.
That's a tough one, Per.
Look, the window's open again.
You can see the moon! Oh, my God.
What happened in your life that made you so needy that you've got to fill every waking second by babbling on.
Fine, don't visit.
My son will come.
And now we are right back on your son again.
I'll be honest with you.
I'm worried I'm not going to be able to get your voice out of my head.
It is a very real concern.
You leave anything in the ambulance? Only my will to live.
Why? Then I guess this is your partner's.
I got my son Davey a Ken Griffey Jr card.
He carries it with him wherever he goes.
He's ten there.
He'll always be that age to me.
I wish I had more time with him, though.
What happened to your son, Denise? He died in an accident.
The paramedics were amazing, though.
That's actually the reason I became one.
I really miss him, you know? Thanks a lot.
I think you should stay.
I'm off today.
We'll have an amazing time.
You can leave tomorrow.
I'm not sure that's a good idea.
Well, maybe this will change your mind.
How's it going? Pretty well.
Nice landing.
Thanks.
J.
D.
, I think this one's for you.
I think the easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly.
Take care.
No! Of course, it doesn't help if your friend is a diabolical genius.
Still, when you come across a person who's lost something that really matters, you have to answer the call.
Oh, he's just such a cutie-pie.
Look at that.
- Have you ever had cutie-pie, Perry? - No, of course not.
I like it à la mode.
I'm kidding.
I know it's not really pie.
But I'll tell you, if it was really pie I would eat it up.
I'd gobble it up.
I love pie! Oh, my God! It's my favourite!