Son of a Critch (2022) s04e08 Episode Script

1
And go, lighting cue 27.
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
I dreamt of being onstage,
but if the closest I could
get was being backstage,
I'd take it!
- WOMAN: Ahhh!
- [DOOR SLAMS]
Who the hell are you?
And what are you doing
in my wife's room?
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
- MR LEWIS: Wait
This isn't my room?!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
MR LEWIS: Well, I'm
as shocked as you are!
Excuse me!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Mr. Lewis
had asked me to stage manage
the latest production of
his amateur theatre troupe.
It wasn't acting, but it was close.
CLAR: I can't believe
you'd do this to me, Jila!
MR LEWIS: Uh
That was the closet!
CLAR: Get outta here!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
And
Go to black.
[APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER]
And cue lights for bow.
[APPLAUSE]
- Woo!
- [APPLAUSE CONTINUES]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I had
the best seat in the house.
♪
MAN: Guys, that was fantastic.
Mark, my good man! How was it?
Burton couldn't have
done it better, sir!
[CHUCKLES]
Almost shagged the gag with
the suspenders, though, eh?
No, it was the biggest laugh of the run.
[CHUCKLES] You're too kind.
Grab us a cold one, will ya?
The old instrument is parched.
Nice.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I had
finally found my people:
Adults.
They treated me like an equal.
I'd die for a sandwich.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): An equal
who was also a butler.
I was exactly where
I was supposed to be.
MR. LEWIS: Very good.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): My
brother, meanwhile,
was where he shouldn't be.
Okay, okay, okay!
I'm not gonna get anything
done with you here.
I'm supposed to be on
the air in 15 minutes!
You want me to leave?
Well, see, I never said that.
I think we're acting
a little rash, maybe
[DOOR OPENS]
[DICK WHISTLING]
Oh no that's your dad!
Hey, Dick!
What are you doing back?
DICK: Left me keys again.
There ya are!
[KEYS JINGLE]
Lucky rabbit's foot, what?
Yer mudder gave me that
from one her dad shot.
Got a date tonight. Needs
all the luck I can get.
Later.
[SILENT LAUGHTER]
DICK: By the way
She don't got no other of
these laying around, do she?
Nope.
Missus I'm dating fancies one.
If ya sees any
- I'll keep an eye out.
- Thanks.
You're some wingman!
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- [DOOR CLOSES]
[LAUGHTER]
Oh he's gonna need that
keychain your mom got him!
But you, on the other hand
Can we maybe not talk
about Dick and my mother
at this exact moment?
Right. Sorry.
Where were we?
[ROMANTIC MUSIC]
♪
[TV PLAYING]
Where's Mark?
That friggin' play
should be over by now.
Relax, Mary. He'll be home soon.
[SIGHS]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): My
folks were expert worriers.
Mom with kidnapping, and
Dad with electrical fires.
If that child isn't in
his bed in 15 minutes,
I'm calling the police.
[TRADITIONAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [MUSIC SHUTS OFF]
- Hey!
What did you do that for?
It's time for bed.
You could've scratched my record!
You know, I'm part of a club now.
Twelve new records for a penny!
Sounds too good to be true.
Ah-ah. It's not a scam.
They make their money based on volume.
Cancel anytime.
It's all in the fine print.
Ah, and now that I've
got the records I need,
I'm gonna cancel.
You're gonna end up on
the hook for a lot more.
You think I'm stupid?
Nah! I used your name to sign up.
- What?
- 'Night!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Out of the spotlight
and into the daylight,
the next day brought
the hangover of reality.
Well, that's all the props.
Oh, that wasn't broken when we took it.
Borrowed it.
I'm sure that's fine.
It has character now.
Listen, I'm having everyone
over for a little end-of-run do.
You should come.
It's tonight at my
place. Abraham Street.
Any time after 7.
Oh, I'd love to.
And it's a potluck, okay?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I thought
I'd be well into my 20s
before I got an invitation to a potluck.
How adult!
Hey. Just bringing back your toys?
Uh, props!
Mr. Lewis was awesome. I
really wish you could've come.
Who wants to watch a play
when you can see a movie?
Oh, don't forget.
I'm off on tonight,
first time in forever.
And it's pay week, so
we're gonna go see Tremors.
I've been dying to see it.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Double-booked.
Uh
That?
I I dunno.
Don't be such a baby.
It's not that scary.
I'll let ya hold my
hand for the scary parts.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Oh,
I was scared, alright.
What if I told you that
I was invited to something
even better tonight?
There's no way it's better
than killer sand worms.
Not even a house party?
Ugh! Rank beer, bad music, and
jocks lighting their farts on fire?
No thanks.
[SIGHS] Well
It's just kind of like
a one-night-only thing.
The movie will be there next week.
Please?
Alright. Yeah, fine.
I mean, at least we're
still hanging out together.
Great.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Going to
a work party as a couple!
What could be more grown-up than that?
♪
[DANCE VERSION OF GLENN
MILLER, "IN THE MOOD"]
What? Jesus
[MUSIC BLASTS ONTO SPEAKERS]
What's all the racket?
They mailed me a new record,
Glen Miller, but there's something off.
It's a remix, Pop.
They take an old song and
put a dance beat on it.
Sacrilege, if you ask me.
Well, at least it's cheap.
"Twelve hot records for one cool penny!"
The first 12 are cheap.
You didn't cancel in time!
You owe them 12 dollars and 13 cents.
- See? That's how they get ya.
- Jesus, it's a scam!
Where are you going with my fondue set?
You better bring all those skewers back.
It's just a party. Some
folks from the play.
Hold on, is this the old folks?
They're not that old, Mom.
They're as old as I am!
So they're young!
- It's not normal.
- Oh, come on.
Fox is going too.
I hope you like it, 'cause
you're payin' for it!
Actually, I love it!
[TURNS MUSIC UP]
Would you turn that racket down?
What? I can't hear you!
[MUSIC BLASTING]
Come on. Come on!
Hey!
Woo, woo, woo!
You should'a told me the
dress code was "nerd."
We make a striking couple.
- What?
- [KNOCKS RHYTHMICALLY]
- [EXHALES] You ready?
- What was that?
I dunno.
Oh, Mark! Perfect timing.
Tell me what's on me
godforsaken head, would ya?
Uh hmm. Uh, canine problem-solver.
[DISTANT LAUGHTER]
What? Come on, man, giddy up!
Tell me! They're torturing me in there.
What is it?
It's it's "The Littlest Hobo."
Ah!
- What?
- You're supposed to guess!
"The Littlest Hobo." Come in, come in!
Okay.
Mark, why are we going
into a teacher's house?
- What? Come on.
- What?
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
MR LEWIS: Come in.
MARK: Gang, this is
the ol' ball and chain.
Jennifer, meet the Hibernian players!
Fondue! Thank you so much!
Thank you so much for
having us, Mrs. Lewis.
So, did you see the show?
No, no, I work most nights.
- Oh.
- Jennifer's in retail.
Yeah, uh, the It Store.
We sell bongs, fake dog poop,
mugs shaped like boobs
Uh, speaking of mugs, you look
like you could use a refill.
Oh my God. Hold on
to that one, Jennifer.
- You're being weird. I
- Come on!
Okay, charades!
- Yes!
- That's for kids.
Uh wait, why are we doing this?
MAN: Yes, okay.
Uh, I got this. Okay.
MR LEWIS: Clock. Clock?
Clock spin. Clock bird.
Bird. Sweet bird of youth!
Ooh, the Byrds! The band, the Byrds?
MR LEWIS: Crazy crazy birds?
Here, you take that.
Take that in
Alright, go on in.
You can go play video games
with the boys if you want.
MR LEWIS: Up in the sky!
Ooh, ooh, "One Flew
Over the Cuckoo's Nest"!
Yes, man!
- MAN: Well done!
- MR LEWIS: Okay, my turn.
WOMAN: Aw, I was gonna guess that!
MR LEWIS: Ready?
30 seconds, yes!
Knows I don't know how to
pick the toilet-break bangers!
[SNEAKY MUSIC]
♪
♪
I'm like a father to you!
Hey! And I am your father!
Your father is like a brother to me.
[GASPS] It's it's like
Insects!
No, Dick, it's not incest.
You know she's only with you to
get back at her old man, right?
You know, she's known me
longer than she's known you!
[COM TURNS ON]
I wanted to tell you about us,
but this one was too scared.
But you know what?
Shag the pair 'a ya.
You're not my wingman no more.
[DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS]
[SIGHS]
FOX: Okay, go further. Go left
Keep running past the castle.
Okay, jump now!
Nice! Yeah, you got it.
[VIDEO GAME SOUNDS]
Hey, Fox?
[VIDEO GAME SOUNDS]
Why are you hiding away in here?
It's our date night.
That's what I thought, too.
[VIDEO GAME SOUNDS]
It's my turn.
[VIDEO GAME SOUNDS]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I could win an Oscar
for acting like an adult.
But I still had no
idea how to act my age.
Everything's unplugged.
I'm going to bed.
You okay?
Mark's still out with that old crowd.
He's fine. He's older than they are.
Still a baby to me.
Want me to plug the lamps back in?
No, it's fine.
Alright, goodnight.
'Night.
♪
[SIGHS]
MR LEWIS: To be or not to be.
That is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune, or to take arms
against a sea of troubles
and by opposing end them
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Finally.
She'd come to her senses.
To sleep
I'm leaving.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Or maybe not.
But the night isn't over yet.
He's our teacher. You're a kid, Mark.
Not to them, I'm not.
Come back, please.
Let's not make a scene.
I thought you loved "scenes."
[APPLAUSE]
Uh, thanks, Mr. Lewis.
Oh, you're leaving so soon?
Yeah, I got a test I
gotta study for, so
Oh.
I'll, uh, I'll see you at school sir.
Okay.
Uh uh, sorry.
Uh, Fox uh, Jennifer
Reminded me of the time.
You know me, if I don't
get a solid 8 hours,
not enough coffee in the world, so
Thanks, Mrs. Lewis.
Thank you so much, Kevin.
I mean, hell of a home.
Mm-hm.
[CHUCKLES] Very good.
Aah, Fox!
Wait up! Please, Fox!
I'm
I'm just confused!
I thought you'd get along with them!
Why?
I I dunno.
You work; You look
after your brothers
You're one of the most
grown-up people I know!
So, being an adult for you
is playing make-believe,
but for me, it's working 25 hours a week
while going to school and
taking care of my little brother?
- That's that's not what I'm
- Okay.
Only a kid would say
something so stupid.
Mrs. Critch!
I believe you have my fondue pot.
I would like it back.
Madame.
Sorry for the mess.
Mr. Lewis, I would
like to know something.
Mm-hm?
I want to know why you're
spending so much time with Mark.
I don't think I like it.
Oh.
Jeez, I had no idea. I
figured you were okay with it.
He was so dedicated to the play,
I didn't have the
heart to leave him out.
He's a hard worker, your son.
And he he listens.
Hmph. News to me.
Most of the students that I teach,
they think that theatre
arts is a burnout course.
But Mark is different.
You know, he really cares.
And you've gotta know that
he's really talented, right?
Oh
And maybe it's a bit selfish, but, uh
Y'know, it's nice to be a mentor.
When a kid says they want to
be an actor, most adults say no.
And I just wanted to be the
one who says "yes," y'know?
Well, that's awfully nice of you.
Here she is all washed
up, ready to go home.
Your lovely pot, and three skewers.
Ah.
[LINE TRILLING]
Yeah?
Hi, uh, could I speak
with Jennifer, please?
Nope.
[CRUNCHING LOUDLY]
- Please?
- No, b'y.
She's here, but she
don't wanna talk to ya,
'cause you're a dick!
Could you just
Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick!
[DIAL TONE]
What's the matter? Wrong number?
Fox is mad at me 'cause
I broke our movie date
to hang out with some older folks.
So I'm mature!
How is this a problem?
Well, it is if you forgot to be a kid.
You know, when you're young,
you're in such a rush to grow up.
[CHUCKLES]
But trust me,
there isn't one of those old people
who wouldn't change places
with you for a second.
You know, you've got your
whole life ahead of you
to make mistakes.
When you're my age, you'll look back
and you'll think about those mistakes,
and boy, they're the best part.
Ah
You just stay a kid as long as you can.
[CHUCKLES]
So how do I make it up to Fox?
Just do something nice.
And no theatrics.
Just keep it simple, Romeo.
Could I get a loan?
[SIGHS]
Ah
Here.
Fifteen.
Oh, and let me ask you,
do you think I'll like the Beastie Boys?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): You can
be too young to be old,
but you're never too old to be young.
- Sure.
- Yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
You've been avoiding me
ever since I got here.
And now that I'm
messing around with Mike,
all of a sudden you wants to be my dad?
I missed the first 20 years.
I don't wanna miss no more.
Well, let's just
Start from here and
See how it goes.
I knows I don't know
ya, but I wanna start.
Dinner date, Scampers, once a week?
Ah, okay, let's just
Take it slow.
MIKE: I gotta admit, I'm kinda relieved
that we're out in the open.
I mean, I felt so bad
lying to you about dating.
Dating?
We're just havin' a
bit of fun, Campbell.
[DICK CHUCKLES]
Uh-huh.
Yeah. Yeah.
Casual!
Now, is that, like,
exclusively casual, or ?
Let's just take it slow, 'Kay?
[SIGHS]
You could do worse.
I give you my blessing.
I didn't ask for it.
But
Thanks.
[DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS]
I'm your wingman now!
Ooh, Mom, I'm sorry! I forgot the, uh
Mr. Lewis was kind
enough to wash it for me.
It's okay, Mark.
I'm so proud of you.
You know, I envy you sometimes.
I wish I had something that
brought me as much happiness
as acting brings to you.
But you're still a kid, my ducky.
With responsibilities to your
education beyond theatre arts.
I know.
I promise I'll focus more on school.
But
I know I get carried away,
but Mr. Lewis is just
A teacher, hon.
I know.
But he's very nice.
Thanks, Mom.
By the way, I am still
missing three skewers.
For your right
To paaaar-ty!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Life is a
series of firsts and lasts.
Trust me.
Hmm? [GIGGLES]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): The first date
Just in time.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): First kiss
Oh, gross, girl germs!
Jerk. [CHUCKLES] Thanks.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Your first love
Or your last chance.
DICK: Oh, God
Wonder how long it'll
take you before you scream.
Aw, man, you're gonna
embarrass me, aren't you?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): So don't
be in a rush to grow up.
Because, if we're being honest,
fondue isn't half as good as popcorn.
♪
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