Spin City s04e08 Episode Script
How to Bury a Millionaire
Negotiating the firemen's contracts.
Stuart? I'm being tough, Mike.
You can't play softball with these guys.
Actually, we have a game this Saturday.
Besides, this is personal.
I lost three girlfriends to firemen.
Well, it just shows you what they know.
You take away dignity, muscles, and courage, and you are a fireman.
This negotiation would be a lot easier if they weren't rescuing baby what's-his-name from that well.
His name is Keanu.
And yet they let the parents keep him.
Mike, I thought I'd cut out early make this a long weekend.
It's Tuesday.
I was thinking we could go to the well to visit baby Keanu.
I have him booked with interviews.
Well, he can do those when he gets back.
Well, I have to brief him.
He's a quick study.
Ahh! You cracked my back! My brother and I always fought over the remote control, so my mom would give him the remote on odd days.
I would get it on even days.
We used to fight over the TV, too.
TV? You must have been rich.
Anyway, maybe you two could do that with him.
Oh, yeah we're really gonna share the mayor like he's a remote control.
I love the idea! So, to review, we're really gonna share the mayor like he's a remote control.
[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS.]
Stuart! Do not leave this half-dead rodent on my desk.
I prefer to think of him as half-alive.
I'm taking him to doggie day care.
Doggie day care?! Remind me to pay you way less.
He's lonely home alone.
Plus, he needs his exercise.
Yeah, I've seen how wound up he gets when you don't take him for his drag.
Hey! Everybody! Guess where I've been "a" the gym, "b" trying out for "who wants to be a millionaire" well, we know it's not the gym.
Mike, take all the shots you want now, 'cause tomorrow, you're gonna be insulting a millionaire.
Wow! Too bad you're married And you.
Don't you have to be smart to win on that show? I am smart! Besides, they give you four answers, so even if you don't know something, you still have a 33% chance of being right.
Well, congratulations, Paul.
I'd say don't get a big head, but that ship sailed when you were about 5.
I'm not gonna quit just because I win.
Even millionaires need free coffee, long distance, and office furniture.
I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm rich! So am I! So am I! So am I! Sir, we got to get to the well.
Today's a Caitlin day.
Well, it is, but she wanted to catch up on her drinking.
MIKE: Hey, I thought there'd be more people here.
This doesn't look good.
Is there anything you need me to do, Mike? Because as deputy deputy mayor, I'd take a bullet for you.
Maybe after lunch.
Excuse me, we're looking for the well with the kid in it.
Well, that's the well.
We just rescued Keanu.
I called and said the mayor was gonna be here.
Would 20 extra minutes have killed him? Very possibly.
Well, then Obviously, you did the right thing.
So, how did they get him out, Mike? Well, sir, if this is the well, then in the direction you're heading, they must have dug some sort of parallel rescue Pit.
All right, sir, listen, I can't help you here.
I'm gonna go back to city hall, come for you, and organize a rescue party.
James, wait here and make sure nobody finds out about this.
I'll wait here better than anyone, Mike.
MAYOR WINSTON: What am I supposed to do?! Pretend you're bugs bunny? That's not a good idea.
[IMITATING ELMER FUDD.]
It's rabbit season.
[LAUGHS.]
What's the dog's name? Uh, rags Heywood.
Age? No, I mean in people years.
I assume he's neutered? Uh, not technically.
Something fell off.
I'm sorry.
We only accept neutered males.
Oh, please look at him.
I see your point.
Oh, all right.
You won't be sorry.
I can assure you, rags will be a perfect gentleman.
Bye-bye.
Take care, now.
We need to cut some fat.
Last year, you people filed three times as many smoke-inhalation claims as the teachers and garbagemen combined.
We're firemen.
That line may work with my girlfriends not with me.
Dude, is that my sweater? We're gonna have to reschedule that, 'cause the mayor's gonna be, uh Holed up all day.
[STATIC.]
MAYOR WINSTON: Mike, could you bring back some magazines? Uh, sir, listen, I'm at city hall right now, so we probably shouldn't use these.
Sir? You didn't say "over.
" Sorry.
Over.
I just don't want anyone to get suspicious.
You can't talk after you say "over.
" Yeah, I-I'll try and remember that, sir.
It's just that we really or before I say "over.
" Sir, I'm, uh, heading into a tunnel.
[IMITATES STATIC.]
What's that? Uh, what, this? This would be a this is a cell phone From 1983.
Have you seen the mayor? He's late for an interview.
Caitlin, it's your day, if you lost him, that's your problem.
I am watching you.
Yeah, I know.
This body is a curse.
Stuart! Yeah? The mayor is stuck in a well.
Okay.
And? An we're gonna need these firemen on our side if we're gonna keep the rescue a secret.
Hold on.
Show of hands when I called you chili-eating, hose-fondling closet pyros, who didn't know I was jokin'? Gimme a sec.
Tomorrow These crumb cakes are mine.
Hey, millionaire, you still owe Oh, please! The rich are above the law.
Which reminds me I get to ask one friend for help on an answer.
So, Carter, you're my man if the question has to do with history, politics, music, or art.
Janelle, you're ballet and fashion.
Actually, Carter, you take fashion, too.
This outfit is straight from the pages of vogue! Tell him, Carter.
Fashion got it.
Nikki, you're on math.
Paul, what's in it for us? .
001% of my million dollars.
Keep dreamin', sister.
It's 10.
And you're off math.
No, no! J-James, don't you dare buy him a super big gulp! All right, get back to the well.
I'll be there in five minutes.
Hey, Mike! Paul, not now not ever! It's only gonna take a second.
I'm assigning topics.
I need to know your area of expertise.
How much I don't want to have this conversation.
Here's what's still open cars, dinosaurs, hygiene, human massacres, food-borne diseases stop, stop! Here it is, okay? Stanley cup m.
V.
P.
S between 1964 And 1964.
You're a good friend.
All right, Mike! Five people saw you leave with the mayor.
Where is he? Uh, well, I-if you must know, h-he went to the hospital To visit his favorite aunt Who is just very, very ill.
You took him to that well, didn't you? No.
And frankly, I'm offended.
What could be more cynical than to believe someone could use a dying relative as a cheap cover story? TV: Randall Winston, the mayor of New York, trapped 30 feet below grou, as the entire city holds its collective breat.
We'll be back with more live coverage of "Winston in the well.
" I mean, other than actually doing it.
You print that, you won't set foot in city hall again! There is a perfectly logical explanation.
I just can't give it to you right now.
Well, is there anything available in the mezzanine? They're sending a camera down.
CAITLIN: Oh, perfect! This is exactly the image I want my candidate to project a mud-covered boob.
You talking about that wrestling place in Jersey? MAYOR WINSTON: Hello, people of New York.
First of all, I want to assure you that I'm fine.
And if you're going to worry about anyone, make it little Keanu, because he had no way of understanding that he was going to be all right.
I do.
He's so brave.
And I think that both of our rescue effors have proven that humankind's true desty is to minister to oursels and to our fellow man.
Thank you.
And, kids, stay in school.
.
and watch your step.
Heroic words from a heroic man.
You know, the mayor gets more eloquent the closer he gets to the earth's core.
So, it's two hours until he's out of there? Well, they're estimating.
Three could be safer.
And four would put his rescue smack in the middle of the evening news.
We keep him down there all night, he could be on "good morning America.
" You're not serious?! The man's buried alive! People get so caught up in the "buried" part, they lose sight of the "alive.
" I'm terribly sorry.
I'm very sor I don't care what you think you saw! I'm telling you, it simply isn't possible! Rags hasn't been interested in sex for 20 years! Well, he certainly made up for it today! I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.
Oh! I see! It's always the gay, black man with the horny dog! Just take him and go! No, I don't think so! I'm not gonna let you scapegoat rags for something he couldn't possibly have [LAUGHS.]
Well, once he's through, we'll we'll be on our way.
Ooh! And finally, the city will erect a statue in central park honoring your bravery, courage, and ability to aim a hose.
Well, I think we have a deal.
We'll get the mayor out of that well in no time.
Stuart! [CLEARS THROAT.]
This thing is turning into a publicity bonanza! We're gonna keep the mayor in a little longer.
So you think you can slow things down? Got it.
You know I once wanted to be a fireman, too but then I turned 10.
["WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE" THEME PLAY.]
So, Paul, congratulations on beating the other contestants.
I understand you work for the mayor.
Is he doing okay down there in that well? Yeah, yeah, he's fine.
Look, are we gonna play the game? Okay, all right.
Sure, let's get started.
You're 15 questions away from winning $1 million.
You got all your three lifelines left phone a friend.
So if you're ready, Paul, let's play "who wants to be a millionaire"! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Here we go.
For $100 I'd like to use a lifeline the 50:50.
Computer, would you please take away two of the incorrect answers? There we go.
I'd like to ask the audience.
How you holding up, sir? MAYOR WINSTON: I'm all right.
What makes this bearable is knowing my closest advisors are up there suffering with me.
Well, it's the least we could do.
Ooh, I had the mochacino.
This is perfect.
All three networks are here.
The whole nation's gonna see him come out of that well.
He's covered in dirt, his suit is torn, and there might even be a little blood.
Yes! Ooh, brainstorm a week before the election lost at sea.
You know, when the mayor's not around, we actually get along all right.
After he comes out, we could work together in mutual understanding and respect.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
I almost didn't get it out! [SIGHS.]
I came as soon as I heard.
Is there anything we can do? Oh, no, Carter.
All our ducks are in a row.
Could you clear something up? I know how a 2-year-old can fall in the well.
What's the mayor's excuse? Caitlin, you want to take this one? What are you doing?! Watching Paul on "who wants to be a millionaire.
" He's up to the $500,000 question.
I want to make sure that hole doesn't cave in on the mayor.
Janelle, if it does, you know they'll interrupt "millionaire.
" That's true.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAY.]
Is that your final answer? Yes.
"D" yes.
The answer is "d" Karl ditters Von dittersdorf! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Aaaaah! Aaaaah! You've won $500,000! You're on fire, Paul! What's your secret? I'm guessing! Before we go on to the final question, take a look at this a check for a half-million dollars! What do you think of that? Uhh uhh uhh Paul? Can't Breathe! Come on, Carter, if the mayor comes out of that well holding the dog that he went down to rescue, then he's a hero.
Rag will be a hero! Yeah, a dead hero! He got through the great depression! He will get through this! Fine, fine, fine! [SIRENS WAILING.]
Get ready, sir.
We're going to cause a little distraction, then we'll send rags down.
James, take the bullet! Hey, mom.
Feeling better? It's a blood-sugar thing.
Well, you can stop right now with the $500,000, or you could try to answer the big $1 million question.
Miss that, and you'll go back down to $32,000.
I can't go back, Regis.
I've gotten used to the money.
Okay, then.
For $1 million Is it "a" ah-ah-ah-ah! Reege You can stop right there.
I'd like to phone a friend.
[CELLULAR PHONE RINGS.]
Yeah, Mike Flaherty.
Hello, Mike.
Regis philbin here from abc.
R-Regis, for the last time, we're not renaming 10th Avenue "Regis philbin way.
" I-I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm calling from "who wants to be a millionaire.
" Your friend Paul lassiter needs some help.
The next voice you hear will be his.
And, Paul, your 30 seconds starts right now.
Hey, Mike? Listen which Canadian hockey player okay, guys let's start bringing him up! Paul, I gotta go! [DIAL TONE.]
I'm sorry, Paul.
Tough break.
What do you mean? He hung up.
I got another call.
No, I'm afraid not.
We'll see about that.
Paul, you really can't use that.
You're right.
It's not the weekend.
So, um Do you have an answer for us? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAY.]
Come on, Paul! Say somethin! Just take the money.
I could learn to love you.
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Paul I need an answer.
All right.
I'm gonna go with "b.
" "B"? Huh.
Okay, wait "a.
" "A"? Really? No, no, okay, okay! No "c.
" "D" "d.
" You're sure? Yes "d.
" "B.
" "B" is your final answer.
"A"! "D"! "D"! "B"! "C"! "A"! "A"! "D"! "D"! "B"! "A"! "B"! "D"! "D"! "B"! "C"! "C"! "C"! If you're not sure, maybe you shouldn't play.
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
I shouldn't play.
I'm gonna stop.
I'm playing! I'm stopping! I'm playing! I'm playing! I'm gonna play! Oh, you're cruel, Regis! So, what's your answer? "D.
" Confident? No, I'm not confident! I'm an ulcerous wreck! Is that what you want to hear?! Huh?! Does that make you happy?! So "d" is your final answer? Yeah "d.
" Well, Paul I'm sorry.
But "d" Is absolutely Not the right answer To a different question But also oh, for God's sakes, Regis!! Do you think you're cute?! You think they're laughing?! Well, they're not! Tell me! Tell me! For God's sakes, tell me now! We'll be right back.
Oh, no! ["WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE" THEME PLAY.]
He looks alert.
[APPLAUSE.]
And he seems to have rescued some sort of rat.
It's a dog! Our mayor animal lover hero.
We're back.
And, Paul The answer Is "d"! You've won $1 million! Oh, no! Yeah! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYS.]
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(BARKING)
Stuart? I'm being tough, Mike.
You can't play softball with these guys.
Actually, we have a game this Saturday.
Besides, this is personal.
I lost three girlfriends to firemen.
Well, it just shows you what they know.
You take away dignity, muscles, and courage, and you are a fireman.
This negotiation would be a lot easier if they weren't rescuing baby what's-his-name from that well.
His name is Keanu.
And yet they let the parents keep him.
Mike, I thought I'd cut out early make this a long weekend.
It's Tuesday.
I was thinking we could go to the well to visit baby Keanu.
I have him booked with interviews.
Well, he can do those when he gets back.
Well, I have to brief him.
He's a quick study.
Ahh! You cracked my back! My brother and I always fought over the remote control, so my mom would give him the remote on odd days.
I would get it on even days.
We used to fight over the TV, too.
TV? You must have been rich.
Anyway, maybe you two could do that with him.
Oh, yeah we're really gonna share the mayor like he's a remote control.
I love the idea! So, to review, we're really gonna share the mayor like he's a remote control.
[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS.]
Stuart! Do not leave this half-dead rodent on my desk.
I prefer to think of him as half-alive.
I'm taking him to doggie day care.
Doggie day care?! Remind me to pay you way less.
He's lonely home alone.
Plus, he needs his exercise.
Yeah, I've seen how wound up he gets when you don't take him for his drag.
Hey! Everybody! Guess where I've been "a" the gym, "b" trying out for "who wants to be a millionaire" well, we know it's not the gym.
Mike, take all the shots you want now, 'cause tomorrow, you're gonna be insulting a millionaire.
Wow! Too bad you're married And you.
Don't you have to be smart to win on that show? I am smart! Besides, they give you four answers, so even if you don't know something, you still have a 33% chance of being right.
Well, congratulations, Paul.
I'd say don't get a big head, but that ship sailed when you were about 5.
I'm not gonna quit just because I win.
Even millionaires need free coffee, long distance, and office furniture.
I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm rich! So am I! So am I! So am I! Sir, we got to get to the well.
Today's a Caitlin day.
Well, it is, but she wanted to catch up on her drinking.
MIKE: Hey, I thought there'd be more people here.
This doesn't look good.
Is there anything you need me to do, Mike? Because as deputy deputy mayor, I'd take a bullet for you.
Maybe after lunch.
Excuse me, we're looking for the well with the kid in it.
Well, that's the well.
We just rescued Keanu.
I called and said the mayor was gonna be here.
Would 20 extra minutes have killed him? Very possibly.
Well, then Obviously, you did the right thing.
So, how did they get him out, Mike? Well, sir, if this is the well, then in the direction you're heading, they must have dug some sort of parallel rescue Pit.
All right, sir, listen, I can't help you here.
I'm gonna go back to city hall, come for you, and organize a rescue party.
James, wait here and make sure nobody finds out about this.
I'll wait here better than anyone, Mike.
MAYOR WINSTON: What am I supposed to do?! Pretend you're bugs bunny? That's not a good idea.
[IMITATING ELMER FUDD.]
It's rabbit season.
[LAUGHS.]
What's the dog's name? Uh, rags Heywood.
Age? No, I mean in people years.
I assume he's neutered? Uh, not technically.
Something fell off.
I'm sorry.
We only accept neutered males.
Oh, please look at him.
I see your point.
Oh, all right.
You won't be sorry.
I can assure you, rags will be a perfect gentleman.
Bye-bye.
Take care, now.
We need to cut some fat.
Last year, you people filed three times as many smoke-inhalation claims as the teachers and garbagemen combined.
We're firemen.
That line may work with my girlfriends not with me.
Dude, is that my sweater? We're gonna have to reschedule that, 'cause the mayor's gonna be, uh Holed up all day.
[STATIC.]
MAYOR WINSTON: Mike, could you bring back some magazines? Uh, sir, listen, I'm at city hall right now, so we probably shouldn't use these.
Sir? You didn't say "over.
" Sorry.
Over.
I just don't want anyone to get suspicious.
You can't talk after you say "over.
" Yeah, I-I'll try and remember that, sir.
It's just that we really or before I say "over.
" Sir, I'm, uh, heading into a tunnel.
[IMITATES STATIC.]
What's that? Uh, what, this? This would be a this is a cell phone From 1983.
Have you seen the mayor? He's late for an interview.
Caitlin, it's your day, if you lost him, that's your problem.
I am watching you.
Yeah, I know.
This body is a curse.
Stuart! Yeah? The mayor is stuck in a well.
Okay.
And? An we're gonna need these firemen on our side if we're gonna keep the rescue a secret.
Hold on.
Show of hands when I called you chili-eating, hose-fondling closet pyros, who didn't know I was jokin'? Gimme a sec.
Tomorrow These crumb cakes are mine.
Hey, millionaire, you still owe Oh, please! The rich are above the law.
Which reminds me I get to ask one friend for help on an answer.
So, Carter, you're my man if the question has to do with history, politics, music, or art.
Janelle, you're ballet and fashion.
Actually, Carter, you take fashion, too.
This outfit is straight from the pages of vogue! Tell him, Carter.
Fashion got it.
Nikki, you're on math.
Paul, what's in it for us? .
001% of my million dollars.
Keep dreamin', sister.
It's 10.
And you're off math.
No, no! J-James, don't you dare buy him a super big gulp! All right, get back to the well.
I'll be there in five minutes.
Hey, Mike! Paul, not now not ever! It's only gonna take a second.
I'm assigning topics.
I need to know your area of expertise.
How much I don't want to have this conversation.
Here's what's still open cars, dinosaurs, hygiene, human massacres, food-borne diseases stop, stop! Here it is, okay? Stanley cup m.
V.
P.
S between 1964 And 1964.
You're a good friend.
All right, Mike! Five people saw you leave with the mayor.
Where is he? Uh, well, I-if you must know, h-he went to the hospital To visit his favorite aunt Who is just very, very ill.
You took him to that well, didn't you? No.
And frankly, I'm offended.
What could be more cynical than to believe someone could use a dying relative as a cheap cover story? TV: Randall Winston, the mayor of New York, trapped 30 feet below grou, as the entire city holds its collective breat.
We'll be back with more live coverage of "Winston in the well.
" I mean, other than actually doing it.
You print that, you won't set foot in city hall again! There is a perfectly logical explanation.
I just can't give it to you right now.
Well, is there anything available in the mezzanine? They're sending a camera down.
CAITLIN: Oh, perfect! This is exactly the image I want my candidate to project a mud-covered boob.
You talking about that wrestling place in Jersey? MAYOR WINSTON: Hello, people of New York.
First of all, I want to assure you that I'm fine.
And if you're going to worry about anyone, make it little Keanu, because he had no way of understanding that he was going to be all right.
I do.
He's so brave.
And I think that both of our rescue effors have proven that humankind's true desty is to minister to oursels and to our fellow man.
Thank you.
And, kids, stay in school.
.
and watch your step.
Heroic words from a heroic man.
You know, the mayor gets more eloquent the closer he gets to the earth's core.
So, it's two hours until he's out of there? Well, they're estimating.
Three could be safer.
And four would put his rescue smack in the middle of the evening news.
We keep him down there all night, he could be on "good morning America.
" You're not serious?! The man's buried alive! People get so caught up in the "buried" part, they lose sight of the "alive.
" I'm terribly sorry.
I'm very sor I don't care what you think you saw! I'm telling you, it simply isn't possible! Rags hasn't been interested in sex for 20 years! Well, he certainly made up for it today! I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.
Oh! I see! It's always the gay, black man with the horny dog! Just take him and go! No, I don't think so! I'm not gonna let you scapegoat rags for something he couldn't possibly have [LAUGHS.]
Well, once he's through, we'll we'll be on our way.
Ooh! And finally, the city will erect a statue in central park honoring your bravery, courage, and ability to aim a hose.
Well, I think we have a deal.
We'll get the mayor out of that well in no time.
Stuart! [CLEARS THROAT.]
This thing is turning into a publicity bonanza! We're gonna keep the mayor in a little longer.
So you think you can slow things down? Got it.
You know I once wanted to be a fireman, too but then I turned 10.
["WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE" THEME PLAY.]
So, Paul, congratulations on beating the other contestants.
I understand you work for the mayor.
Is he doing okay down there in that well? Yeah, yeah, he's fine.
Look, are we gonna play the game? Okay, all right.
Sure, let's get started.
You're 15 questions away from winning $1 million.
You got all your three lifelines left phone a friend.
So if you're ready, Paul, let's play "who wants to be a millionaire"! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Here we go.
For $100 I'd like to use a lifeline the 50:50.
Computer, would you please take away two of the incorrect answers? There we go.
I'd like to ask the audience.
How you holding up, sir? MAYOR WINSTON: I'm all right.
What makes this bearable is knowing my closest advisors are up there suffering with me.
Well, it's the least we could do.
Ooh, I had the mochacino.
This is perfect.
All three networks are here.
The whole nation's gonna see him come out of that well.
He's covered in dirt, his suit is torn, and there might even be a little blood.
Yes! Ooh, brainstorm a week before the election lost at sea.
You know, when the mayor's not around, we actually get along all right.
After he comes out, we could work together in mutual understanding and respect.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
I almost didn't get it out! [SIGHS.]
I came as soon as I heard.
Is there anything we can do? Oh, no, Carter.
All our ducks are in a row.
Could you clear something up? I know how a 2-year-old can fall in the well.
What's the mayor's excuse? Caitlin, you want to take this one? What are you doing?! Watching Paul on "who wants to be a millionaire.
" He's up to the $500,000 question.
I want to make sure that hole doesn't cave in on the mayor.
Janelle, if it does, you know they'll interrupt "millionaire.
" That's true.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAY.]
Is that your final answer? Yes.
"D" yes.
The answer is "d" Karl ditters Von dittersdorf! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Aaaaah! Aaaaah! You've won $500,000! You're on fire, Paul! What's your secret? I'm guessing! Before we go on to the final question, take a look at this a check for a half-million dollars! What do you think of that? Uhh uhh uhh Paul? Can't Breathe! Come on, Carter, if the mayor comes out of that well holding the dog that he went down to rescue, then he's a hero.
Rag will be a hero! Yeah, a dead hero! He got through the great depression! He will get through this! Fine, fine, fine! [SIRENS WAILING.]
Get ready, sir.
We're going to cause a little distraction, then we'll send rags down.
James, take the bullet! Hey, mom.
Feeling better? It's a blood-sugar thing.
Well, you can stop right now with the $500,000, or you could try to answer the big $1 million question.
Miss that, and you'll go back down to $32,000.
I can't go back, Regis.
I've gotten used to the money.
Okay, then.
For $1 million Is it "a" ah-ah-ah-ah! Reege You can stop right there.
I'd like to phone a friend.
[CELLULAR PHONE RINGS.]
Yeah, Mike Flaherty.
Hello, Mike.
Regis philbin here from abc.
R-Regis, for the last time, we're not renaming 10th Avenue "Regis philbin way.
" I-I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm calling from "who wants to be a millionaire.
" Your friend Paul lassiter needs some help.
The next voice you hear will be his.
And, Paul, your 30 seconds starts right now.
Hey, Mike? Listen which Canadian hockey player okay, guys let's start bringing him up! Paul, I gotta go! [DIAL TONE.]
I'm sorry, Paul.
Tough break.
What do you mean? He hung up.
I got another call.
No, I'm afraid not.
We'll see about that.
Paul, you really can't use that.
You're right.
It's not the weekend.
So, um Do you have an answer for us? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAY.]
Come on, Paul! Say somethin! Just take the money.
I could learn to love you.
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Paul I need an answer.
All right.
I'm gonna go with "b.
" "B"? Huh.
Okay, wait "a.
" "A"? Really? No, no, okay, okay! No "c.
" "D" "d.
" You're sure? Yes "d.
" "B.
" "B" is your final answer.
"A"! "D"! "D"! "B"! "C"! "A"! "A"! "D"! "D"! "B"! "A"! "B"! "D"! "D"! "B"! "C"! "C"! "C"! If you're not sure, maybe you shouldn't play.
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
I shouldn't play.
I'm gonna stop.
I'm playing! I'm stopping! I'm playing! I'm playing! I'm gonna play! Oh, you're cruel, Regis! So, what's your answer? "D.
" Confident? No, I'm not confident! I'm an ulcerous wreck! Is that what you want to hear?! Huh?! Does that make you happy?! So "d" is your final answer? Yeah "d.
" Well, Paul I'm sorry.
But "d" Is absolutely Not the right answer To a different question But also oh, for God's sakes, Regis!! Do you think you're cute?! You think they're laughing?! Well, they're not! Tell me! Tell me! For God's sakes, tell me now! We'll be right back.
Oh, no! ["WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE" THEME PLAY.]
He looks alert.
[APPLAUSE.]
And he seems to have rescued some sort of rat.
It's a dog! Our mayor animal lover hero.
We're back.
And, Paul The answer Is "d"! You've won $1 million! Oh, no! Yeah! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYS.]
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(BARKING)