Survivor's Remorse (2014) s04e08 Episode Script

1 CAM: Got a lot of jewelry stores in Savannah.
We could look at rings.
Mary Charles, last summer, if you weren't such a stickler for prying into the past, I may never have sought solace from God again.
You are responsible for me revisiting my Catholic roots, as modest as they were.
- MAN: Here to see? - Rodney Barker.
He's my father.
What's it like in here? Fucking horrible.
Before we begin, a toast to Chen, for kissing us in on the sweetest commercial real estate flip in anybody's memory.
And why wasn't I in on it? - You? - I got money, Chen.
The guys in the deal, they have money.
Which is why I needed to be in on it.
Read the prospectus.
I would need a wire by the 23rd.
Thank you so much for including me on this one.
What do you think? I think Chen is a billionaire for a reason.
Uh, I should probably offer Cam a piece of my piece.
I'm asking my parents to open the trust.
I don't need you to do that.
This deal is a winner, and I need me to do it.
What's the square footage? Shit ton.
Fuck ton.
Uh, it's a lot.
We get taxed on the square footage.
Yes, at a ridiculously low rate based on the value of this place, which right now is below market.
Missy, I can't wait to get taxed on every square inch of this square footage just dying to be turned into a mixed-use utopia - for people of goodwill.
- Uh-huh.
Hey, I'm sure some assholes will eat here and shop here, but you know, assholes got lives to live, too.
With the right architect, I mean, it could be an amazing spot.
- Yeah.
- Urban, yet not all concrete.
People like that.
Damn right they do.
Chen said there's a proposal to put a bike path through here.
Mm, drunk frat bros leaving restaurants on bikes means lawsuits.
Missy, this is going to be a very diverse establishment, not just frat boys.
I see people of all creeds and genders and races getting fucked up in here.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Just a bunch of diverse drunkenness, man.
And the good news is, our investment will have cashed out long before anybody's drinking drinks and riding bikes.
Ooh, and I wonder what kind of, uh, easements we'll need for traffic and parking.
Eh, could be obstacles.
Yeah, that's what bribes are for.
- Bribes are for removing obstacles.
- [PHONE CHIMES.]
- - [MESSAGE TONE.]
- [MESSAGE TONE.]
- - [MESSAGE TONES.]
- I'm in.
You said that after you read the prospectus.
Well, I'm farther in.
All in.
But the easements, they got you uneasy.
I mean, it looks good, I think.
Well, stop thinking, Missy.
I was trying! And then you brought up the thing about the easements.
I gotta learn to take "yes" for "yes.
" Yes.
I will go home, pour myself a stiff drink, and call my parents tonight.
I'll be your stiff drink.
Save that for the celebration.
All right.
I'm off to see if Cam wants in, too.
Whoa, whoa.
Whether he is in or not, we're in.
You're in, for sure? For sure.
100%, subject to I gotta talk to my parents.
Oh, my gosh, I feel so pathetic saying that.
Missy, this is big.
I mean, this is really big.
This is the beginning of us having to rely on no one else but ourselves.
- You feel it? You feel it? - I'm feeling it.
You feel it? You feel it.
You feel it.
- I love you.
- Love you.
All right, I'll talk to you in a little while.
Sheila, you got a great jewelry store.
I'm gonna have my assistant, Squeeze, come by and pick up the ring right now.
How many bowls is that today? No, Squeeze, like how you squeezed every last dollar out of me on this engagement ring.
I'm kidding.
You've been great, and I'll make sure he brings a signed photo for your son.
Okay, thanks again.
Squeeze, I need you to go pick up the engagement ring from that jewelry store we were at yesterday.
That ring's huge.
My card limit can't handle the cost of that ring.
Dude, it's paid for.
Just go pick it up, bring it back, and hand it to me.
- On it.
- Squeeze.
Drive there, drive back here.
No pit stops in between.
[MURMURS WITH MOUTH FULL.]
Back and forth.
Gotcha.
PROFESSOR: Thank you all for completing your assignment.
This is my favorite exercise of Freshman English.
You remember the first day of class, when I told you that Freshman English is not necessarily about creative writing, but about fostering your communication skills? Now the reason I've asked you to compose the first paragraph of your autobiography without your name on it is because this exercise isn't a competition to see who can write the best autobiography.
It is for you to discover what it is you think and feel, so that you might realize how to better communicate your ideas and your experiences to others.
We're going to read one another's work aloud without identifying who wrote it.
- Uh, Professor Brown? - Yes, Joe.
You never said we were gonna do this.
You know, read aloud? Well, I may not have said those particular words in that particular order, but that is why there is a syllabus.
Can I have mine back? Well, they're all jumbled up now and no one's name is on it.
I used Copperplate Gothic Light font so I should be able to pick mine out.
- Did anyone else use Copperplate Gothic Light font? - [LAUGHTER.]
Joe, you can't be in the class and also run the class.
Now, if someone reads the first line of your essay and you remain reluctant, just say "stop," and we shall stop.
- If you say so.
- Well, I have said so.
Folks, this is a supportive, nurturing university, but this class, as was described when you registered for it, involves moments where we share your work aloud.
We have now arrived at one of those moments.
Therese, please, start us off.
Oh, don't worry, Joe.
The font appears to be Helvetica.
I know my Helvetica.
That's my shit.
Who else is rocking Helvetica? Therese - Sorry.
- You should be.
I'll start.
"My parents ran a camp on Walleye Lake.
I hated sharing my parents' time with so many unappreciative rich kids, but it didn't all suck.
The camp was where I learned to hunt and fish.
I shot my first deer there.
It bled out in front of me, twitching and moaning.
It made me feel powerful, like I was a rifled god, the giver and taker of life.
When it heaved its last few breaths, I said a prayer of thanks to my real lord who'd provided me not only with a rite of adolescent passage, but also with the meat for a venison chili that I would make with my grandmother.
" Excellent.
Thank you, Therese.
Joe, you're up to read next.
Just grab the one on top, Joe.
"I always felt like I shouldn't even be alive.
How do you write about your history when you don't know the details of how that history began? I spent years wanting to know, needing to know but not knowing.
Something felt off.
I felt alienated without knowing what 'alienated' meant.
My kid heart was sad.
My kid head felt foggy.
I was, in a word, flailing.
In another word, bereft.
" Thank you, Joe.
Uh, there's more.
"Ultimately, my imagination couldn't have imagined the truth.
My mom had me when she herself was just a kid.
I don't know where she found the strength to not only carry me to term, but to raise me.
See, my mom was - My mom was " - Give me.
Uh, sorry, Professor Brown.
Sorry, Joe.
Didn't meant to snatch so abruptly.
I'm just gonna go and do some tweaks.
So if you'll excuse me.
Sorry, everybody.
Didn't mean to blow the whole anonymous thing.
I loved the dead deer shit.
That was great.
My uncle, uh, shot a buck in our backyard once.
Made me sad.
REGGIE: Yo.
Thanks for coming on short notice.
That's my job.
Happy to do it.
You look more agitated than happy.
I'm sorry, this is my resting agitation face.
Happens when I'm summoned on short notice for vague reasons not specified in the text or call.
Invited, not summoned.
Hmm, says the guy who's in charge to the guy who's not.
I need to run something by you anyway.
- Regarding ? - Nothing, it's just, uh, the usual.
Well, actually it's, uh, unusual, but it's a good unusual, potentially profitable unusual.
A deal that we are about to get kissed into.
- Can it wait? - Yes.
What's up? I know I could've tipped you off to the reason why I summoned, but this ain't the type of thing to text.
What's going on? - A lot.
- Define "a lot.
" - Why don't you sit for a minute? - I'm good standing.
- I'd prefer if you sit.
- Burn more calories standing.
- Sit, please.
- What the fuck is going on? I'll tell you when you sit! When a man is asked to sit, it is usually in anticipation of knee-buckling after he gets some bad news.
What is the bad news? Holy shit.
Are you firing me? No! Will you chill and sit? Oh, no! Who did you get pregnant that you ain't supposed to get pregnant? Was it the reporter chick, Isa? Well, at least you'll get in the Guinness Book, man.
What is she, like 60? 40-something, and no, it ain't Isa.
No, no one is pregnant by me.
Well, I've sat.
I'm sitting.
I have impregnated no one.
Coach Healey died.
Let me tell you something about fat fat kills.
Fat is a silent, deadly killer.
Coach is alive.
No one's died.
Then why am I sitting? I'm asking Allison to marry me.
- What? - I'm asking Allison to marry me.
No, I heard you.
That was more of a "huh" than a "what.
" When? Soon.
We've discussed, but informally.
Right, but have the words "Will you marry me?" come out of your mouth? Not yet, that's why I said I'm asking, as in I'm gonna ask.
Good.
Good, good, good.
Well, what do you mean, good? Well, you don't know what "good" means? Have we really reached that point? - Aren't you gonna congratulate me? - You haven't asked yet.
I'm not gonna prematurely congratulate you.
Yeah, but I'm going to and I want you to be my best man.
- Fine.
- Fine? Again, you haven't proposed, so all these issues are inessential.
Of course, I'm honored that you asked me to be your best man just like you were mine, but that's not a surprise.
The surprise is you're getting engaged.
- If she says yes.
- Of course she's gonna say yes.
You already pre-asked.
Sounds like she pre-accepted.
The question is, why you asking her to marry you? - I love her.
- Besides that.
- I want to marry her.
- Besides that.
What do you mean, "besides"? Man, those two things don't got a "besides.
" Why are you asking her to marry you? I think she's gonna make an amazing wife and mother.
- And? - And I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
- And? - And she makes me feel like life is worth living despite the inherent despair and insanity.
- Those are good reasons.
- Yeah, I happen to think so.
So what's the hurry? - What hurry? - This hurry.
We've been dating for over a year.
So one-twenty-seventh of your life? You're throwing fractions at me now? No, I'm just saying this is something that we haven't really discussed before.
Yeah, because I'm telling you that I'm doing this.
I'm not asking for your permission.
I didn't say you were.
Can I ask your permission to ask you something? Sure.
Why don't you have a seat? What, for a question? I mean, this is a question, right, and not some bad news.
Shit, you got bad news you need to tell me about Allison? No, I don't have bad news about Allison.
- Then why am I sitting? - Because it's a serious question.
How well do you know her parents? - Not well at all.
- Exactly.
Don't be throwing vague "exactlys.
" All right, I'll be specific.
I didn't know my in-laws that well, and it has been a source of contention.
- What kind of contention? - It's not important.
- I never knew that.
- Now you do.
- You all right? - Yeah, it's under control.
- You need to talk about anything? - No, I do not.
I'm marrying Allison, not her parents.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, shit! [LAUGHS.]
[COUGHS.]
God.
S oh, you gotta say that again.
I'm marrying Allison, not her parents.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Okay, that laughter's gotta mean something.
That shit wasn't that fucking funny.
Now for the specifics.
I hate when you hold your finger up and pause.
Mm.
Uh, how her parents, like, interact with each other and how they interact with Allison, this is how she's gonna expect marriage to be with you.
Now for guys like us who did not grow up with a father in the house, man, we think it's just great that we're present in a committed relationship.
Not people from stable homes.
Very high expectations.
Observe? - All right.
- All right.
Uh, and another thing real quick.
Do you remember how we used to drink uh, a ton of Mountain Dew when we were younger? Then we got tired of it, switched to Orange Fanta.
Exactly.
Hate "exactlys.
" All "exactlys.
" We quit drinking Mountain Dew 'cause we thought it messed with our sperm count.
That's been discounted.
No, we quit because we got tired of it and we moved on to the the wonderful, mysterious world of Orange Fanta.
Oh, I just want to ask her to marry me.
I hardly drink soda anymore.
Well, let's just say, you know, you want a soda.
Just for old time's sake.
Then I'll choose from the many sodas in the machine that I get for free.
No, you can't, because now you're married to Orange Fanta, so guess what, Orange Fanta is the only soda you will drink.
You get married, that machine is out the door.
It's replaced with an Orange Fanta machine with nothing but Orange Fanta because you chose Orange Fanta and people with integrity, they stick with their decisions.
Cam, you just gotta know that you're choosing wisely and you have to know there's a potential for you to tire of Orange Fanta.
Yo.
Are you getting tired of, you know, with Missy? Hell, no.
Hell, no, man.
Missy is the entire supermarket soda section.
Plus, she lets me drink it in provocative ways.
You know, sometimes I sip, penetrate, you know Aw, yeah, that's enough.
Well, look, you asked about it, you know, so I'm telling you.
Look, I'm lucky.
I am aware of that luck, but this ain't about me.
This is about you, 20 years hence.
How am I supposed to know this? From honest, married men who love their cousins and tell them the truth.
Do not panic.
You just gotta do some reconnaissance.
Uncle J used to say the most important thing a man can do before marrying a woman, meet the mom.
- I've met the mom.
- And? - And what? - Jesus, Cam, how does she look? You ever seen her laugh, dance, grab Allison's dad's ass in the kitchen? No, I mean, she's pretty, but when I met her I was just trying to impress her and Mr.
Pierce.
Well, if you want to know what the future Allison is gonna look like, size up the mom.
- Well, Goddamnit, man! - What? We should've had this conversation a while ago.
I had time.
Now I got this ring about to burn a hole in my pocket, and you rattling me, man! What the fuck, man? I just bought the ring! Look, diamonds are forever, and they can be resold on the diamond exchange, all right? Relax.
I'm sure you two are gonna be just as lucky as me and Missy.
I'm going to her parents' house to ask for their blessing today.
Well, good.
Before you ask for the blessing, do me a favor.
I want you to sniff around, observe, learn.
If you learn something that gives you pause, pause.
Get a little more intel.
Slow your roll.
- You're killing me, man.
- You're good.
Your gut is telling you to go get her.
She's a great girl.
I just want you to verify that the future has legs.
And an ass.
Hey, I want to talk to you about a real estate investment real quick, all right? I got other shit on my mind right now.
Okay, uh, tomorrow then? A married man can never have too much money.
- I gotta go.
- All right.
Big congrats, Cam.
Hey, no premature congratulations.
I just need one hour to show you this investment.
- You're gonna love it.
- Tomorrow.
Today, I spy on old women.
Hey, when Squeeze gets back, tell him give you the ring.
No, I don't want that responsibility.
Well, you got it anyway, says the guy who's in charge to the guy who just fucked his mind up.
Should have thought about that before you had me sit.
[SIGHS.]
I know this is unconventional.
Yes, but I understand.
- You do? - I'm a child of the '70s.
Okay.
Well, um, do you mind if I take notes on my phone? If that'll help you come to some conclusions.
It will.
So, um how often? How often what? Do you and Mr.
Pierce Often.
Very often.
Very, very often.
Well, all right, then.
[CHUCKLES.]
But again, that's me and him.
You and my daughter, I'd rather not speculate.
- Who can, really? - Apparently you or you wouldn't be here asking me questions like this.
Allison has good genes.
Libido has never been a problem in this house.
Good to know.
Thank you.
Is that all you need? Well, there was one other thing, but nah, forget it.
You were hoping to see me undress? Um Don't be shy.
You can see how I've held up.
Nah, I I can see how you've held up.
Uh, th things seem to be in their proper place.
[CHUCKLES.]
Compliments to the chef.
And, so sorry that I ever even came over.
I don't want my daughter marrying a guy who's worrying about the unknown.
I so appreciate your offer to get naked.
I just I I think it would be disrespectful.
Why don't I just take my top off? I would hate to have Mr.
Pierce walk in and have to explain.
Oh, don't worry about him.
He's a kinky motherfucker.
Ahem.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Pierce! Hey there, Cam.
What's up, Cam? Got something I want to ask you both.
You know, trying to navigate my way through this confirmation stuff is heavy.
I mean, when we started on the acts of mercy, I considered the spiritual ones, you know.
Advising, consoling and I console the hell out of sad people.
I mean, all my life people been needing my opinion about, you know, how to wrestle demons and stuff, and I deliver.
So I'm familiar with the spiritual acts of mercy but the corporal acts of mercy? Ooh, Lord.
I mean, those poor children down at the cancer ward, the homeless soup kitchen people.
I used to not need a reason to be more depressed.
But I still need one more really big corporal act of mercy, but the Lord ain't answering my prayer to get this stuff checked off so I can get confirmed, you know what I'm saying? My mom's waiting for me outside.
Mine, too.
Well, my mother's waiting for me in the afterlife, - so you could both just - Okay, everyone.
That's all for tonight.
Class is dismissed.
Now, make sure you do your homework for next time, okay? It's not a lot.
Just a couple of pages in the workbook.
I know it may seem like we're just gonna confirm anyone who wants to be a Catholic, but you owe it to yourselves to do the work.
But Father, I still have so many more questions.
The Lord loves our curiosity.
[SIGHS.]
I'm just trying to give it my all in this last task He's asking of me before I truly commit.
Cassie, the Lord spoke to me.
He told me to tell you to chill out.
Let's talk while we walk.
Okay.
All right.
I know it's a big ask.
SAMUEL: An ask? Is that all you're calling it? 480,000 is not an ask.
It is 480,000.
CAMILLE: 30 years old always seemed like a sensible age to open your trust.
Young enough to be starting, and old enough not to be an idiot.
I'm two years from 30 now.
I'm not getting any smarter in 24 months, Mom.
And and this investment won't be available then.
This isn't to bail anyone out of their gambling losses, is it? Uh, no! But, as a matter of fact, this opportunity did come directly from Reggie's poker game.
Wonderful.
Let's give your trust money to a bunch of guys who lose similar amounts playing cards.
This sounds risky.
You say you put this money aside so that I would be secure.
I am.
And and this deal whether it is a success or a failure, is as good a time as any to put that security to the test.
And besides, what have you two always told me about real estate? BOTH: They ain't making any more land.
[LAUGHS.]
Technically not true in the age of landfill.
In Dubai, they have a man-made island shaped like a palm tree.
You both sowed this seed when I was barely a teenager, and you made me save my own money for Destiny's Child tickets.
I have been prepping for this my entire life.
I am never gonna be more ready than I am right now.
Imagine if you could've cemented your financial future with one smart strike.
You would've done it! Let me show you how the seed you planted can bloom.
[SIGHS.]
We'll talk to our trustee, but it isn't as simple as writing a check.
I I know, Mom.
I know.
Thank you.
I love you guys.
Better tell the trustee you love him, too.
CAMILLE: Good night, dear.
- Good night.
- Samuel, say good-bye to your daughter.
Bye.
[CHUCKLES.]
How do you turn this thing off? Night, Daddy.
Reggie! Get your stiff self in here! [PHONE RINGING.]
Hello? M-Chuck.
It's Therese, from class.
I got your number from the class contact sheet.
Hey, Therese.
Listen, I'm sorry for my weird-out today.
Um, did Joe crap his pants and take some of the heat off my freak-out? THERESE: [CHUCKLES.]
No.
Joe didn't crap his pants and you didn't freak out.
I just wanted you to know that I think you're really cool, smart, and funny and if you ever want to get together just to hang out, talk, shoot a mammal, I'm around.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, the feeling's mutual, Therese, and God knows there's too many mammals in the world.
So what's going on this weekend? CASSIE: Hail Mary full of grace, our Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women.
Blessed is the fruit of thy womb.
[SIGHS.]
Mary, I love that prayer, but I gotta use my own words to work this one out.
You see, I'm on this journey, and I want to give it my whole heart and soul.
I just need your guidance with my last corporal act of mercy.
I mean, you dealt with some messed up stuff back in the day, and you were just a woman walking this Earth, just like me.
And now here it is, 2,000 some odd years later, and I'm sitting here talking to a statue of you.
I mean, you had to have done something extraordinary.
Well, that's what I want.
Something extraordinary.
Hey.
Am I interrupting? I was wondering where you went.
One minute you were crushing candy, - the next you were gone.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Well, I'm just hoping for a sign, for help with my last corporal act of mercy but Mary's not talking.
You could go up to Boston and see Rodney.
Seems like there's some loose ends, that need a loop or two closing.
It would also qualify as visiting the imprisoned.
[CHUCKLES.]
Look at you, knowing that visiting the imprisoned is a corporal act of mercy.
- Hmm.
- Stanislaw J.
Lec, a poet and aphorist who is probably illegal in my country, once wrote, sort of, "If you sleep in her bed, dream her dreams.
" While my love has been racing towards being confirmed, I have done a little research so I'm able to stay in touch with this new part of your life.
Plus, Belgian prep schools are crawling with Catholics, so osmosis, I guess.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
You know I'm gonna need the jet, right? At this point, my pilot could fly to Boston in his sleep.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Every night ALLISON: If I knew I was gonna be wearing a blindfold, I would've worn different shoes.
CAM: Almost there.
Why do I smell tacos? Keep your eyes closed! I have a blindfold on.
Well, no peeking.
Well, I couldn't even if I wanted to.
Now, we're we're almost here.
Okay.
Come on, just a little bit.
- Mm-hmm.
- All right, turn.
Okay.
And sit.
- Oh.
- [LAUGHING.]
Sit.
- Okay.
- Ahem.
All right, you can look now.
When I'm with you, girl When I'm with you The way you hold me, hold me In your arms, oh so tight So tight The way that you do girl Come here.
The way that you do I don't mind The hustle and the bustle and the grind It's all worth it Because of you See, I've been all alone For so long I thought no one would come along Then you appeared Straight out of heaven Now I want to thank you By singing this song Let me thank you Thank you, thank you I want to thank you, love