The Cleveland Show s04e08 Episode Script
4APS07 - Wide World of Cleveland Show
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
Cleveland Brown here.
There are 15,000 countries in the world, and The Cleveland Show is adapted to air in every single one of them.
See if you can spot the subtle cultural differences.
Cleveland! Doña! Mà amór! No hace mucho frio.
Hace mucho calor.
Mmm Stop practicing your Spanish on me and tell me whose dress this is! Are you cheating on yo? Doña, I swear, I've never seen that dress before.
Perhaps it's R-R-Roberta's! Uh-uh.
I don't shop at J.
C.
Peso! Turn those organ stings down, you soccer-loving Chiclet chewers! Como se dice, "Whoa!" Whose dress is it, Cleveland?! It's my dress! Catorce years old.
I'm turning 15, silly.
And Miss Choni and Cecilia are coming over to make my birthday a special occasion.
I'm having a quinceañera! You are an embarrassment! And what is a quinceañera? It's a traditional 15th birthday party for girls.
Okay.
Have a baby, right here on the spot.
Which you could do if you were a girl, but you're not.
So no quinceañera! You don't understand me at all! Las Noches Gordas de Cleveland will return, con queso.
No.
No.
No.
No by Consuela.
Product formally known as Lemon Pledge.
Cecilia! Next muchacha hit me in the face gonna get it.
Ow! Choni, that was my penis.
Hunior texted me many faces of frowning.
So we brought over my aunt, who flew all the way from Hollywood to hah-ner Hunior.
iTia Sofia! Sofia Vergara is your aunt? Yes, Señor Brown.
And while you might know me from my Screen Actors Guild Award-winning role on a hit TV show, you may not know that I myself was once 15 years old.
Oh, did you say that in a People interview that was in my dentist's office? That sounds about right-- I do like to mention the ages I've been.
Maybe a song will convince you there's more to a quinceañera than just some girly party.
Sorry, wasn't listening.
I have a lot of two things on my mind.
But go ahead and sing.
As soon as boys, they turn fifteen años They never want to come out of their baños When they get hair in strange places And refried-bean faces We dare ya to throw a quinceañera When Aztecs turn fifteen years old Quinceañera meant they were now warriors So many centuries ago Before whitey stole California So celebrate Your son's fifteen años And don't just take it from all us Chicanos There's plenty of blacks who'd bring over six-packs Don't let it scare ya, throw a quinceañera! So it's like a Mexican bar mitzvah? Well, why didn't you just say that in the first place? Quinceañera over here! For real, Papi?! Happy birthday, son.
You are now a man.
Or something.
You look beautiful in your dress.
Feliz quinceañera! We love you, Latino viewers, fastest-growing segment of the television-viewing audience.
Our international spectacular will return with more countries.
But first, let's hear some of the different catchphrases I have all around the world.
And boomerang goes the dynamite.
Oy, caramba! Donna, I'm stoned! Delivery! Goal! Oh, here's a pretty flag.
Which country is this? That's the gay flag.
Ah.
Greece.
Welcome back to our international spectacular, where we show you actual footage of The Cleveland Show as broadcast overseas.
Next up, the Jersey Shore of Europe-- Italy.
DiGiorno! You want to slow down on that spaghet, Kendra? Please? Even in a yard full of slobs you're standing out.
Shut up, Lester Krinklesacramoni.
Look at you! You're wasting away! Eat! Eat! Everybody eat! Thank you all for coming.
Sorry.
Garlic mashed potatoes.
Next week I go on trial for 36 counts or murder and racketeering, and let me just say, these charges are totally unfounded.
Everyone knows I'm in the "cable business.
" What company? Crime Warner? Eh, heart attack.
While I'm away battling these detailed and accurate charges, the family business must continue.
Therefore, I have chosen my successor.
This is it, Ernie! The day I've been waiting for my whole life! Oh, Larry, when I'm boss, you can finally quit dancing, and I'll buy you a car similar to the one you want that I can get through a business connection.
He is my son, and I am so proud of him.
Come on up here Rallo.
What? Get the outta here! This kid here, he's got the street smarts, the charisma and the meatballs to lead this family.
To Rallo! He's not fat enough to be crime boss! And he doesn't even have hair on his Rocky Balboas! Opera! Dad, can I talk to you for a minute? Anything you say to me, you can say in front of my captains, Tim, Lester and Tiny Pussy.
Okay.
Why, Dad? Why Rallo and not me? All I ever wanted my whole life was to be like you.
I can install cable! Watch! Whoa! Whoa-ho! Junior, you nut! Even when you're whacking a guy, you're just too cute.
I am not! I'm a killing machine! Aw Aw I'll show you I can be the head of this not-representative- of-all-Italians family.
Fine.
You versus Rallo for the head of the family.
And two tickets to Tony and Tina's Wedding, starring Lorraine Bracco and The Situation.
Soon I will announce my decision.
Thanks, Daddy.
Sorry, Tiny Pussy.
Damn, I look good! Probably gonna die in this suit one day.
Ay, Rallo, when you're the boss, you think you could rub out the Men's Warehouse guy? The fanook with the beard? He's gonna like the way he looks without a head.
Sure, I'll do it.
Buca di beppo, di buca di beppo, di bu Walt, what are you doing, you knucklehead? That's my Big Wheel Jeem-ba-lucci! Junior.
We got to get you out of here! Put this on! You took care of it last night? Good.
You're a good soldier, Ernie.
I love you.
Larry! Larry! Talk to me! Daddy! Daddy! Rallo drowned Larry the Leopard! Just put him in the dryer.
He had my friend Walt killed! So you're even.
Now, go on outside and play.
No! He shouldn't be head of the family! I'm your son, not him! He's just a big mouth-breathing canoli sucker! Salami, pesto, and spaghetti and meatballs, pasta Silencio! Boys, I've seen all I need to see.
I've made my decision.
Let's take a drive.
Mama? Hey, I'm just beating a rug.
Please don't turn into the woods, please don't turn into the woods, please don't turn into the woods.
Aw, he turned into the woods.
They got no show without us, right? Good-bye.
This wasn't a hard choice.
Oh, my God, he killed Which one did he kill?! They're not gonna tell?! Oh, I'm going on a message board to complain because I've got nothing else going on in my life, and I invest too much in TV characters.
Coming up, more Cleveland Show in other countries, dorks! Where's your dressing room? I'd like to try these flags on.
What? Here, there's six.
Start a room for me.
There's seven.
Now, let's see what The Cleveland Show looks like in the birthplace of evil-- Germany.
Heil arious! Our next stop is India.
So let's Huh? Are you sure? Got a big red dot on it.
I've been informed that this is not the Indian flag.
Instead, our next stop is Jap-in.
Juh-pan? Juh-pan.
I am sorry to be seconds late for breakfast.
It was difficult to pull myself away from my joy of schoolwork.
Yet tardins is inexcusable.
A great conflict you faced.
Miss Donna-san.
Daddy-san.
I honor your truth.
There is only this moment.
Now there is only this moment.
The other moment is gone.
Now there is only this moment.
Uh, there it went.
Okay, here come another.
The is only this moment.
You are wise, esteemed husband.
And you bring great honor to this family.
And here in Japan, nothing is more important than honor.
And I shall bring even greater honor with my new scheme.
Tonight, at Waterman Cable, when everyone else leaves, I will stay and work eight additional hours.
For no pay! Strictly for honor! But Waterman-san will catch you and look at you silently for a moment! He will not.
For I shall disguise myself as pile of shoes outside the door.
That is perfect! We'll be rolling in honor! Rolling in it! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Donna, please.
Big mouth, little honor.
Father, please do not forget to attend my match tonight.
This is night of your sumo wrestling match? What? I'm not a wrestler.
I'm a competitive eater.
This is my diaper.
Regardless, I cannot attend your competition tonight, for I must work long hours to bring great honor to family! But Cleveland, to miss Junior-san's event would dishonor family.
Uh-oh! Don't worry, Father.
Work is more honorable than number-one son's dumb old eating contest.
I'll be in my room salting my rice with tears.
I am your new neighbor, Mr.
Zilla.
I am required to tell you that I am a registered sex offender.
Was it the bad kind? Oh yeah.
Esteemed friends, I've really got my vending-machine panties in a bunch here.
I can't be at work and at my son's match at the same time.
Why don't you build a Cleveland robot to attend fat son's eating competition while you work? That's the best idea since the courageous attack on Pearl Harbor! This version doesn't air in the U.
S.
, right? Gus, may we dismantle karaoke machine for robot parts? Hush, friend! I'm trying to watch a game show that could turn into porn! There it goes! Yuck! We could have finished faster if we had worked harder.
We should all be ashamed.
Clevetron, activate! I am Clevetron, Guardian of the Universe! I will do anything you say.
Anything.
Damn writers are gay.
Well, that's, uh I don't, uh Good to know.
Clevetron, I need you to attend Junior-san's eating contest as me.
That's it? Yup.
Yup, that's it.
What is with this guy? Go, Clevetron! Show cold and distant affection to son! Wow, he's a bad driver.
Like many Asians.
Whoa! Yeah! Yeah! Eat! Eat! We have a winner! Clap respectfully for the God of Gurgitation-- Cleveland Jr.
! Great job, son.
Daddy-san, you came! Yes.
You make Clevetron I mean, Cleveland Brown, your human father, very proud.
Wait a minute.
"Copyright 2008 Fun Time Karaoke Company?" You're not my dad! You're a robot! I am better than father! I'm just a robot standing in front of a boy asking him to love me.
But I don't want you.
I want my dad! Why can't Clevetron be enough?! Malfunction.
Malfunction.
The careless whisper of a good friend You suck! It picks up! It's a chick song! It is a song for getting chicks! Clevetron angry! Tonight the music seems so loud I wish that we could lose this crowd All right, children, robot attack drill! Run screaming past the camera! Ah.
Now to work eight additional hours to bring further honor to family.
Honor in the morning, honor in the evening Honor at suppertime.
Honor.
Oh.
Ah, Fukiyama! I'm going to that match.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Junior-san, I am here for you.
Clevetron? Huh? Prepare for battle! Hi yah! I win.
I would have done anything.
Even butt stuff.
Oh.
Come on.
Let's go home and wang chung tonight.
Everybody? Yeah, everybody.
Thank you, United States.
Thank you, rest of the world.
Bye!
Cleveland Brown here.
There are 15,000 countries in the world, and The Cleveland Show is adapted to air in every single one of them.
See if you can spot the subtle cultural differences.
Cleveland! Doña! Mà amór! No hace mucho frio.
Hace mucho calor.
Mmm Stop practicing your Spanish on me and tell me whose dress this is! Are you cheating on yo? Doña, I swear, I've never seen that dress before.
Perhaps it's R-R-Roberta's! Uh-uh.
I don't shop at J.
C.
Peso! Turn those organ stings down, you soccer-loving Chiclet chewers! Como se dice, "Whoa!" Whose dress is it, Cleveland?! It's my dress! Catorce years old.
I'm turning 15, silly.
And Miss Choni and Cecilia are coming over to make my birthday a special occasion.
I'm having a quinceañera! You are an embarrassment! And what is a quinceañera? It's a traditional 15th birthday party for girls.
Okay.
Have a baby, right here on the spot.
Which you could do if you were a girl, but you're not.
So no quinceañera! You don't understand me at all! Las Noches Gordas de Cleveland will return, con queso.
No.
No.
No.
No by Consuela.
Product formally known as Lemon Pledge.
Cecilia! Next muchacha hit me in the face gonna get it.
Ow! Choni, that was my penis.
Hunior texted me many faces of frowning.
So we brought over my aunt, who flew all the way from Hollywood to hah-ner Hunior.
iTia Sofia! Sofia Vergara is your aunt? Yes, Señor Brown.
And while you might know me from my Screen Actors Guild Award-winning role on a hit TV show, you may not know that I myself was once 15 years old.
Oh, did you say that in a People interview that was in my dentist's office? That sounds about right-- I do like to mention the ages I've been.
Maybe a song will convince you there's more to a quinceañera than just some girly party.
Sorry, wasn't listening.
I have a lot of two things on my mind.
But go ahead and sing.
As soon as boys, they turn fifteen años They never want to come out of their baños When they get hair in strange places And refried-bean faces We dare ya to throw a quinceañera When Aztecs turn fifteen years old Quinceañera meant they were now warriors So many centuries ago Before whitey stole California So celebrate Your son's fifteen años And don't just take it from all us Chicanos There's plenty of blacks who'd bring over six-packs Don't let it scare ya, throw a quinceañera! So it's like a Mexican bar mitzvah? Well, why didn't you just say that in the first place? Quinceañera over here! For real, Papi?! Happy birthday, son.
You are now a man.
Or something.
You look beautiful in your dress.
Feliz quinceañera! We love you, Latino viewers, fastest-growing segment of the television-viewing audience.
Our international spectacular will return with more countries.
But first, let's hear some of the different catchphrases I have all around the world.
And boomerang goes the dynamite.
Oy, caramba! Donna, I'm stoned! Delivery! Goal! Oh, here's a pretty flag.
Which country is this? That's the gay flag.
Ah.
Greece.
Welcome back to our international spectacular, where we show you actual footage of The Cleveland Show as broadcast overseas.
Next up, the Jersey Shore of Europe-- Italy.
DiGiorno! You want to slow down on that spaghet, Kendra? Please? Even in a yard full of slobs you're standing out.
Shut up, Lester Krinklesacramoni.
Look at you! You're wasting away! Eat! Eat! Everybody eat! Thank you all for coming.
Sorry.
Garlic mashed potatoes.
Next week I go on trial for 36 counts or murder and racketeering, and let me just say, these charges are totally unfounded.
Everyone knows I'm in the "cable business.
" What company? Crime Warner? Eh, heart attack.
While I'm away battling these detailed and accurate charges, the family business must continue.
Therefore, I have chosen my successor.
This is it, Ernie! The day I've been waiting for my whole life! Oh, Larry, when I'm boss, you can finally quit dancing, and I'll buy you a car similar to the one you want that I can get through a business connection.
He is my son, and I am so proud of him.
Come on up here Rallo.
What? Get the outta here! This kid here, he's got the street smarts, the charisma and the meatballs to lead this family.
To Rallo! He's not fat enough to be crime boss! And he doesn't even have hair on his Rocky Balboas! Opera! Dad, can I talk to you for a minute? Anything you say to me, you can say in front of my captains, Tim, Lester and Tiny Pussy.
Okay.
Why, Dad? Why Rallo and not me? All I ever wanted my whole life was to be like you.
I can install cable! Watch! Whoa! Whoa-ho! Junior, you nut! Even when you're whacking a guy, you're just too cute.
I am not! I'm a killing machine! Aw Aw I'll show you I can be the head of this not-representative- of-all-Italians family.
Fine.
You versus Rallo for the head of the family.
And two tickets to Tony and Tina's Wedding, starring Lorraine Bracco and The Situation.
Soon I will announce my decision.
Thanks, Daddy.
Sorry, Tiny Pussy.
Damn, I look good! Probably gonna die in this suit one day.
Ay, Rallo, when you're the boss, you think you could rub out the Men's Warehouse guy? The fanook with the beard? He's gonna like the way he looks without a head.
Sure, I'll do it.
Buca di beppo, di buca di beppo, di bu Walt, what are you doing, you knucklehead? That's my Big Wheel Jeem-ba-lucci! Junior.
We got to get you out of here! Put this on! You took care of it last night? Good.
You're a good soldier, Ernie.
I love you.
Larry! Larry! Talk to me! Daddy! Daddy! Rallo drowned Larry the Leopard! Just put him in the dryer.
He had my friend Walt killed! So you're even.
Now, go on outside and play.
No! He shouldn't be head of the family! I'm your son, not him! He's just a big mouth-breathing canoli sucker! Salami, pesto, and spaghetti and meatballs, pasta Silencio! Boys, I've seen all I need to see.
I've made my decision.
Let's take a drive.
Mama? Hey, I'm just beating a rug.
Please don't turn into the woods, please don't turn into the woods, please don't turn into the woods.
Aw, he turned into the woods.
They got no show without us, right? Good-bye.
This wasn't a hard choice.
Oh, my God, he killed Which one did he kill?! They're not gonna tell?! Oh, I'm going on a message board to complain because I've got nothing else going on in my life, and I invest too much in TV characters.
Coming up, more Cleveland Show in other countries, dorks! Where's your dressing room? I'd like to try these flags on.
What? Here, there's six.
Start a room for me.
There's seven.
Now, let's see what The Cleveland Show looks like in the birthplace of evil-- Germany.
Heil arious! Our next stop is India.
So let's Huh? Are you sure? Got a big red dot on it.
I've been informed that this is not the Indian flag.
Instead, our next stop is Jap-in.
Juh-pan? Juh-pan.
I am sorry to be seconds late for breakfast.
It was difficult to pull myself away from my joy of schoolwork.
Yet tardins is inexcusable.
A great conflict you faced.
Miss Donna-san.
Daddy-san.
I honor your truth.
There is only this moment.
Now there is only this moment.
The other moment is gone.
Now there is only this moment.
Uh, there it went.
Okay, here come another.
The is only this moment.
You are wise, esteemed husband.
And you bring great honor to this family.
And here in Japan, nothing is more important than honor.
And I shall bring even greater honor with my new scheme.
Tonight, at Waterman Cable, when everyone else leaves, I will stay and work eight additional hours.
For no pay! Strictly for honor! But Waterman-san will catch you and look at you silently for a moment! He will not.
For I shall disguise myself as pile of shoes outside the door.
That is perfect! We'll be rolling in honor! Rolling in it! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Donna, please.
Big mouth, little honor.
Father, please do not forget to attend my match tonight.
This is night of your sumo wrestling match? What? I'm not a wrestler.
I'm a competitive eater.
This is my diaper.
Regardless, I cannot attend your competition tonight, for I must work long hours to bring great honor to family! But Cleveland, to miss Junior-san's event would dishonor family.
Uh-oh! Don't worry, Father.
Work is more honorable than number-one son's dumb old eating contest.
I'll be in my room salting my rice with tears.
I am your new neighbor, Mr.
Zilla.
I am required to tell you that I am a registered sex offender.
Was it the bad kind? Oh yeah.
Esteemed friends, I've really got my vending-machine panties in a bunch here.
I can't be at work and at my son's match at the same time.
Why don't you build a Cleveland robot to attend fat son's eating competition while you work? That's the best idea since the courageous attack on Pearl Harbor! This version doesn't air in the U.
S.
, right? Gus, may we dismantle karaoke machine for robot parts? Hush, friend! I'm trying to watch a game show that could turn into porn! There it goes! Yuck! We could have finished faster if we had worked harder.
We should all be ashamed.
Clevetron, activate! I am Clevetron, Guardian of the Universe! I will do anything you say.
Anything.
Damn writers are gay.
Well, that's, uh I don't, uh Good to know.
Clevetron, I need you to attend Junior-san's eating contest as me.
That's it? Yup.
Yup, that's it.
What is with this guy? Go, Clevetron! Show cold and distant affection to son! Wow, he's a bad driver.
Like many Asians.
Whoa! Yeah! Yeah! Eat! Eat! We have a winner! Clap respectfully for the God of Gurgitation-- Cleveland Jr.
! Great job, son.
Daddy-san, you came! Yes.
You make Clevetron I mean, Cleveland Brown, your human father, very proud.
Wait a minute.
"Copyright 2008 Fun Time Karaoke Company?" You're not my dad! You're a robot! I am better than father! I'm just a robot standing in front of a boy asking him to love me.
But I don't want you.
I want my dad! Why can't Clevetron be enough?! Malfunction.
Malfunction.
The careless whisper of a good friend You suck! It picks up! It's a chick song! It is a song for getting chicks! Clevetron angry! Tonight the music seems so loud I wish that we could lose this crowd All right, children, robot attack drill! Run screaming past the camera! Ah.
Now to work eight additional hours to bring further honor to family.
Honor in the morning, honor in the evening Honor at suppertime.
Honor.
Oh.
Ah, Fukiyama! I'm going to that match.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Junior-san, I am here for you.
Clevetron? Huh? Prepare for battle! Hi yah! I win.
I would have done anything.
Even butt stuff.
Oh.
Come on.
Let's go home and wang chung tonight.
Everybody? Yeah, everybody.
Thank you, United States.
Thank you, rest of the world.
Bye!