The Honeymooners (1955) s04e08 Episode Script

With the stars and ( singing ) Hi, Alice.
Oh, hi, Trix.
Punch'll be ready for you in a minute.
Oh, I could kill that Ed.
Imagine giving me one day's notice to throw a party.
And what a party! The whole crew from the sewer-- all 20 of them.
I don't get it.
What was the big rush about the party, anyway? Well, that's Ed for you.
When he heard that Jim McKeever was made foreman of the gang, he wanted to be sure he'd be the first one to give him a party.
Well, don't worry about it, Trix.
Everything'll turn out all right.
If it does, it'll be a miracle.
And what ideas Ed had for this party.
Alice, you won't believe this, but Ed was gonna tell all the guys from the sewer to come formal.
Formal? White tie and black boots.
Hmm, well, your punch is all finished.
Now, is there anything else I can do for you, Trix? Gee, I guess that's everything.
Oh, Alice, I just want to tell you, that I feel awful about having a party and not inviting you and Ralph to come.
Now, Trixie, don't give it a second thought.
After all, it's just for the guys that Ed works with.
We just don't belong.
I understand perfectly, and I know Ralph will.
Oh, Alice, you're a real friend.
Hey, I better get upstairs.
Hey, there, Alice.
Oh, hiya, Ed.
Ed, what've you been doing? If you just happened to be a little more observant, you'd note that I got on a brand new T-shirt.
Hey, Alice, we're a chair short upstairs.
You mind if I borrow one? Oh, no, help yourself, Ed.
Good.
Ooh, hey, I almost forgot.
I want you to look at this here.
What do you think of that ring, huh? Hey, that's a very handsome ring.
Who's it for? Jim McKeever.
He's the guy that gave me my start in the sewers.
My, uh, first push, so to speak.
( laughs ) We recently appointed him foreman, so I thought it'd be nice to give him a little something.
Ed was all for buying him a pair of suspenders, but I thought a ring would be more suitable for the occasion.
Well, I happen to know that Jim McKeever has a weakness for red suspenders.
Oh, well, Ed, I think Trixie's right.
A man would rather have a ring than suspenders.
Not if his pants are always falling down.
Hey, look at the inside.
I got it printed.
Let's see.
"To a great pal, from Ed Norton.
" That's very nice, Ed.
I thought maybe you'd have a little fancy wrapping paper to wrap it up for me.
Why didn't you have the store where you bought it gift wrap it? Oh, they got some silly rule down there.
Absolutely no gift wrapping on any purchase less than $3.
Oh, okay, I'll wrap it for you, Ed.
Okay.
Ooh, hey, I'm all a-tither tonight.
I can't remember nothing.
I took the boards and put them in the table-- the extra boards.
We ain't got no tablecloth big enough to cover it.
Gee, I never thought of that.
Alice, have you got a tablecloth that'll fit? Gee, I don't think I have anything that'll cover a table that big.
But, uh, let's see, what have I got in the house that's large enough to cover that big table of yours? How about a pair of Ralph's white shorts? ( laughing ) Never mind, Alice.
I'm sure I can find something.
Come on, Ed, you take the chair.
I think I can manage this.
Okay.
Easy does it, now.
Can you manage it all right? Yeah.
Bye.
Oh, hiya, Ralph.
Hi.
What's the matter, honey, you tired? I am dead.
Working double-time fractures me.
You couldn't get me out of this house tonight if you told me that Jane Russell was running a party upstairs, and she couldn't get started until I arrived.
In five minutes, I'm going into that room and hit the sack for the rest of my life.
You want something to eat? Nah, I had a pizza pie around 5:00.
What're you looking for? I'm trying to find some wrapping paper.
"To a great pal, from Ed Norton.
" Gee.
"To a great pal.
" Alice, I've never been so deeply touched in all my life.
Hmm? When I think of that Norton, thinking about me continuously, day after day, night after night.
Does something to me, right here.
Gives me a lump in my throat.
Alice, I'm telling you that the man that lives upstairs is one of the finest people on this Earth.
Ralph, what are you talking about? You know what I'm talking about.
I want to thank you for not mentioning it.
Certainly is a beautiful surprise.
I got another beautiful surprise for you, Ralph.
Yeah, what? That ring is not for you.
What do you mean, it's not for me? It says in there, "To my great pal, from Ed Norton.
" Well, who's Norton's great pal? Me.
That's right, you sure are.
But Norton bought that ring for Jim McKeever.
For Jim McKeever? What does he want to buy a ring for Jim McKeever for? Because Jim McKeever was just made foreman, so Norton bought him a present.
Uh-huh.
Now I get it.
Well, I've met some schemers in my day.
That bum.
Giving the foreman a ring so he can take advantage of him.
Just like he's taken advantage of me all these years! Alice, I'm telling you, that that man that lives upstairs is one of the lowest creatures on this Earth! Ralph, will you just stop acting ridiculous, and give me the ring so I can wrap it.
Don't wor you're not gonna wrap anything for him.
If he wants somebody to do work for him, let him get some other poor soul to do it for him.
I'll give you the ring, and you give it to him, and tell him I never want to see him again.
Oh, no, now you'll never get it off.
You had to put the whammy on it! For your information, I got it on, and I'll get it off.
And without your help.
Well, don't stand there! Figure some way out to help me! Now, what's that for? I'll put some butter on your finger and then slip the ring off.
Butter on my finger, at 89 cents a pound?! Will you stop throwing my money around? Is there any lard here? Yeah, about 300 pounds.
Oh, you gonna get yours.
Ralph, will you use the butter? I don't need any butter.
You want to loosen something, you put a little warm water on it, that's all.
A little warm water will loosen anything.
I suppose ( yelling ) ( yelling continues ) Put some butter on it.
I knew you'd trick me into using that butter! That's right, Ralph.
I planned the whole thing.
Yeah, well, you outsmarted yourself, because now it's on tighter than ever, and I'll never get it off.
You got to get the ring off, Ralph.
Norton has to give it to Jim McKeever at the party tonight.
I don't care what party he has What party are you talking about? The party that Norton is giving for Jim McKeever.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm telling you now, we're not going.
I wouldn't care if he came down here and begged us on his hands and knees to go, I'm going nowhere near there.
Of course we're not going, Ralph.
We weren't invited.
What do you mean, we weren't invited? Ralph, the party is just for the people that he works with.
And furthermore, when you came in here tonight, you told me you were so tired, you were gonna go right in there and go to bed.
I've had a good rest since I come in here.
I feel fine.
I remember your exact words, Ralph.
You said, "If Jane Russell was giving a party, I wouldn't go!" That's right, I said that about Jane Russell.
I said nothing about going to a party that Norton's running.
I thought you never wanted to see him again.
And I don't, I don't I never want to see him again.
If I could just get this ring off Well, why don't you go inside, Ralph? You got to get it off.
Try some soap and a little cool water-- maybe that'll do it.
( sighing ) ( door opening ) ED: Hey, Alice, all the fellas are giving Jim McKeever the presents now.
Is my ring wrapped? Yeah, wrapped around Ralph's finger.
He saw it, thought it was for him, and put it on.
You mean he put that little ring on his finger? That's like King Farouk trying to get into Gary Cooper's bathing suit.
Well, he managed to get it on somehow.
Now he can't get it off.
Sheesh! Well, he's tried everything, Ed.
Sorry, I guess you'll just have to tell Mr.
McKeever that as soon as Ralph gets the ring off, you'll give it to him.
What am I gonna do? All the guys giving him their presents and everything.
I had my speech rehearsed, and everything, and Well, the only thing I can do is go up and get McKeever and bring him down here.
At least, that's the only way he'll get to see it.
I-I should've bought him suspenders, boy.
Get the ring off, Ralph? No, I didn't get it off.
You and your soap and water.
Not only didn't I get the ring off, but I have the cleanest pinky in town.
Ralph, Ed was just down here, and I told him what happened.
So, he's gonna bring Mr.
McKeever down here to look at the ring.
Norton is not setting foot in this house.
Ralph, I don't care what foolish reasons you have to be angry at Norton, but you got to admit one thing.
Getting that ring stuck on your finger was your own fault.
This ring is a trick of Norton's.
Nobody could get this off.
Including Houdini.
Now, listen, Ralph, you're gonna let McKeever look at that ring, and you're not going to lose your temper.
( knock at door ) Now, remember, he's Norton's boss.
Uh, excuse me, folks.
Pardon the intrusion.
This'll only take a minute.
( clearing throat ) Uh, fellow sewer workers, we are gathered here tonight, to do honor to a great man.
A man recently appointed foreman.
Jim McKeever.
Affectionately known to his fellow sewer workers as "Old Muck and Mire.
" A man who started at the bottom, and today, only has worked his way up into the street.
Jim and me have worked side by side in the sewer together.
We've gone through thick and thin together.
It's my pleasure to present, as a token of my humble esteem and appreciation, this ring.
( all talking ) All right! Get out! Get out! Go! "Old Muck and Mire!" Well, I guess that's all the stuff you lent us last night, Alice.
Yeah, that's everything, Ed.
Oh, hey, uh, about this chair, it's a little shaky, Alice.
I think one of the guys sat down on it too hard, or something.
I'll bring some glue home tomorrow and fix it.
Oh, don't worry about it, Ed.
I'm just glad that everything turned out so well last night.
Oh, boy, it was wonderful.
Oh, hey, uh, Jim McKeever was telling his wife about the ring, you know? Boy, she'd love to see it, and I was just wondering if it would be okay if they dropped by Sunday afternoon, and Ralph showed them the ring? I don't think it'd be such a good idea, Ed.
You know how Ralph felt about showing the ring last night.
Well, I mean, she wants to see it, and Jim said that he'd show it to her.
After all, it is his ring, and everything.
Listen, Ed, Ralph is just as anxious as you are to get that ring off.
And as soon as he does, you'll get it.
Well, okay, Alice.
Tell Ralph I'll pick him up later.
You expect to see Ralph tonight? Well, certainly.
Tonight's the night we go bowling together.
Oh.
So long.
Bye.
Oh, hiya, Ralph.
Did you get the ring off? No, I did not get the ring off.
Well, Ed was just down here, Ralph, and he expects to go bowling with you tonight.
He had the gall to come down here and expect to go bowling with me? I'm not good enough to invite to his parties, but I'm good enough to go bowling with him? Well, he can start looking for another doormat, Alice.
I'm through with him.
If I do any bowling from now on, it'll be with my good friend, Teddy Oberman.
Teddy Oberman? Yes.
He's a good friend of mine.
Who's Teddy Oberman? He happens to be a very fine man.
A guy with a lot of class.
At least when you have a conversation with him, he talks about something other than the New York sewers.
Meets a lot of interesting people, gets around.
Real classy guy.
Well, what does he do, Ralph? Washes cars.
Well, they got one thing in common.
They both work with water.
Yeah, but Teddy uses it before it gets to Norton.
Look, Ralph.
As long as you're going to go bowling, I think I'll take in an early movie.
I'll go in and change.
How 'bout that guy having the gall to want me to go bowling with him? Ha.
Hi, Ralph.
Hey, uh, did you get the ring off? No, I did not get the ring off.
Well, okay, never mind.
You ready to go bowling? Yeah, I'm ready to go bowling, but I'm not going bowling with you.
This is the night we always go bowling together.
That's right.
This is the night that we used to always go bowling together.
But tonight, I am not going bowling with you, I am going bowling with my friend, Teddy Oberman.
We are gonna bowl alone.
Who am I gonna bowl with? You can bowl with, quote, "your great pal," Jim McKeever.
But I don't want Jim McKeever; I want you.
I'm very sorry.
We have already reserved the alley for Teddy and I.
What alley are you using? Alley number three.
That's our alley.
You'll be playing our alley with somebody else.
You might as well get this into your head, Norton.
I'm not bowling with you anymore, I'm not playing pool with you anymore, I'm not playing punch bowl with you anymore, I'm not doing nothing with you anymore.
We are done, through, completed, over, finished.
Ed, I'm so glad you're still here.
You just had a phone call.
There is an emergency in the sewer on Himrod Street.
They called you 'cause it's right in our neighborhood here, but I told them that I didn't think I could catch you, so you don't have to call back if you still want to go bowling.
Good girl.
Well, it, uh, depends on Ralph here.
Oh.
What do you say, Ralph? I told you, I am bowling with my friend Teddy Oberman.
Trixie, tell 'em I'm on my way over.
Okay.
ALICE: Oh, Trix, I'm so glad you're here.
I'm gonna catch the early movie.
You want to come along? Hey, that'd be swell.
But I just have to run upstairs and make a phone call, and then I'll meet you in front of the building in a couple minutes.
Okay.
Ooh, I better put this up in the bedroom closet before something happens to it.
Ralph, honey, bring a chair for me to stand on, would you, please? Alice, come out here.
Look at this! Oh, Ed told me about that.
He's gonna fix it tomorrow.
He's gonna fix it? He's not gonna fix anything.
He'll buy us a new one, and exactly the same kind! He's not gonna ruin a beautiful set like this! I don't know why I put up with that man.
Tells jokes and laughs at his own jokes.
Comes in here day and night, eats us out of house and home.
Hasn't even got the manners to take his hat off when he's in another person's place.
( knock on door ) Well, I'll put this away.
Oh, hiya, Teddy.
Hiya, Ralph.
Gee, I'm glad you come over early.
I hope I'm not interrupting your supper.
Oh, no, no, I been working double-time, so I been eating out.
Yeah, I had to work kind of late myself tonight.
All I had time for was a quick bite.
Oh.
Hey, Ralph, you wouldn't happen to have a little something around the house to hold me over until after bowling, would you? What, are you hungry? I'll fix you something, Ted.
Ralph, I don't want you to go to any trouble.
You stay right where you are.
I'll look myself.
Oh, hiya, Norton.
That is not Norton! It's my friend, Teddy Oberman.
Teddy, I want you to meet my wife, Alice.
Pleased to meet you.
How do you do? You know, for a minute there, with your head in the ice box, I could've sworn that you were a former friend of Ralph's.
Uh, he's a little hungry, so I told him he could have a snack.
If there's anything you want way in the back there, I'll be glad to get it for you.
No, thanks.
The stuff from up front will be enough.
All right.
Well, I guess I better be going.
Trixie's waiting downstairs for me.
Nice to have met you, Mr.
Oberman.
( garbled ): Nice to have met you, too.
Here, these may come in handy.
Well Nice work, Ralph.
Good cook.
Yeah.
Hey, Ralph.
Who we bowling with tonight? Oh, I arranged a game between a couple of guys down the alley and us.
We ain't playing with that dopey-looking guy that's always hanging around with you? Oh, you mean Norton? No, I gave him the brush.
I might've known.
I never could figure a clam like him and you being friends.
Well, we were never friends, you know.
It's just that our wives were close, and to keep peace in the family, I well, I'd see him now and then.
Just 'cause I saw him now and then, he thought I was a big friend of his.
Nothing.
I wouldn't care if he was in Africa now, as far as I'm concerned.
Yup.
He always looked like some kind of nut to me.
( knock at door ) He's a nut Come in.
Ralph, have you seen Mrs.
Norton? Yeah, she just went with Alice to the movies.
What's the matter? I got bad news, Ralph.
There was an explosion in the sewer on Himrod Street.
Norton was hurt.
Norton was hurt? Yeah.
Yeah, he's in room 317 at the Bushwick Hospital.
He was hurt? Yes, he was.
It's my fault.
If I had gone bowling with him, he'd never got hurt.
If anything's happened to that guy that's real serious, I'll never forgive myself.
I got to get my hat and go over there.
Hey, wait a minute.
You just got through telling me you and him ain't friends.
What I say about Norton is one thing.
How I feel about him is another.
Look out.
( elevator bell dings ) Well, Mr.
Norton, you're a very lucky man.
If you had been anywhere else in that sewer, it might've been a very different story.
Well, I guess you're right, Doc.
I hope I didn't cause you a lot of inconvenience.
I was telling the guy in the ambulance, "There's nothing wrong with me; I'm not hurt.
" The only thing that happened to me was a manhole cover landed on my head.
I mean, th-th-that's happened hundreds of times.
In the sewer, that's an occupational hazard.
Well, we had to bring you in and make a check.
In fact, if we weren't short for bed space, we'd keep you here overnight.
Well, I appreciate that very much, Doctor, but I'd better be getting home now.
How do I get out of here? Well, the elevator's right there, but first you have to check out at the receiving desk down the end of the corridor.
Oh, I see.
R/X.
Doctor Hyman, is 317 available now? Oh, yes, Dr.
Seifer.
Well, good, I can put my emergency case in there.
I'm just going to give him a transfusion.
Right.
Good night, Doctor.
See you tomorrow, Doctor.
Uh, bring him in here, please.
Nurse, I'm prescribing a transfusion for the patient in 317.
And, oh, yes, uh, no visitors.
I'm going to give him a sedative now.
Yes, Doctor.
Nurse, Nurse, where's 317? My buddy's in there.
I'm sorry, sir, but doctor's orders are no visitors.
No visitors? Dr.
Seifer's in there.
He's getting the best of care.
It's that serious, huh? Look I want to know, just how bad is it? Is it real bad? Is this Dr.
Seifer any good? He's the best we have.
He's getting the best of care.
Look, I want him to have the best of everything.
I want him to have nurses around the clock.
Specialists, surgeons-- anything at all.
Just charge it to me.
Doctor's just given him a sedative, and now he's going to have a transfusion.
Let me give him the transfusion.
Let me give him the transfusion.
Is this him? Doc, that's my buddy in there.
Let me give him the transfusion.
All right, if you're type "A," we'll be glad to use you.
Thanks, pal, thanks.
Nurse, tell Dr.
McDonald, that if this man is type "A," we'll use him immediately.
Yes, Doctor.
Right this way, sir.
Thanks, pal, thank you.
It's all right.
Thanks a lot.
Just a minute; you can't go in there.
Oh, Doc, I was a patient in there a little while ago.
I left something in there; I'd like to go get it.
Oh, I see.
Well, you just wait here.
The floor nurse will be right back.
Speak to her about it.
Oh, okay.
Ed! Ed, you're all right! Oh, thank heaven! ( chuckling ): Of course I'm all right.
I lead a clean life, I eat all my spinach-- nothing's gonna happen to me.
Oh, Ed, the terrible things I pictured.
Well, my heart's been in my mouth ever since I heard.
I-I-I can't stop shakin'! Honey, I'm sorry I caused you a lot of worry, but you know, it's very reassuring to know, that my little girl has got a soft spot for her little boy.
All right, you lovebirds, I think we all could do with a cup of coffee.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Look, I'll meet you down at the coffee shop later.
I left something in my room.
I gotta wait for the nurse to go get it for me.
Honest, Ed, seeing you safe and sound, why, it's just like finding a million dollars.
Well, as long as my wife's an heiress, she can pay for the coffee.
( chortling ) I'll see you down there.
Oh, uh, Nurse.
I don't want to be any trouble, but I left my watch in the table alongside the bed.
Could you get it for me? Yes, I'd be glad to.
Thank you.
Hi, Ralph.
What are you doing here?! I was just about to go home.
What're you doing here?! What am I doing here?! I'm here to give you a transfusion in there! You were gonna give me a transfusion.
You thought I was hurt.
Only a guy's greatest pal would do that for him.
I'm telling you, y-y-you're one of nature's noblemen! Ralph, I-I'll never forget this as long as I live.
Mr.
Kramden, patient's ready.
Will you come in now, please? Okay.
Uh, see you later, Norton.
Pal.
Okay, Ralph.
Hey, uh, Doc, while you got him in there, will you see what you can do about getting that ring off his finger? Will you stop?!