The Incredible Hulk (1978) s04e08 Episode Script
Goodbye Eddie Cain
Not mine.
No.
No.
No.
Vicki, no.
(ROARS) What you got, Eddie? EDDIE: Blackmail.
then it's dime to donuts he's got something to hide.
(ROARS) Something very wrong is going down.
He's dead? How? NARRATOR: Dr.
David Banner, physician, scientist.
Searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths that all humans have.
Then, an accidental overdose of gamma radiation alters his body chemistry.
And now, when David Banner grows angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs.
(ROARS) The creature is driven by rage and pursued by an investigative reporter.
Mr.
McGee, don't make me angry.
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
The creature is wanted for a murder he didn't commit.
David Banner is believed to be dead.
And he must let the world think that he is dead until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him.
(ROARS) EDDIE: It was late August in Los Angeles and hotter than the price of gold.
For two long weeks, a super-heated Santa Ana wind had been blowing in from the desert and the City of Angels was beginning to curl up and shrivel, like cheap bacon on a hot grill.
At night the desert wind went away.
But the heat hung around forever, trapped down on the streets and sidewalks and alleys, not to mention inside a guy's skull.
People can get strange when it's been so hot for so long.
People can even get crazy.
Take my word on it, troops.
Eddie Cain, Investigator, wouldn't kid you.
Come on, Eddie.
Talk to me.
Man's trying to help you, Cain.
MAC: Jack Lewis.
Alias, John Lewis.
Alias, Louis Jones.
You knew this guy, Eddie? Semi-acquainted.
(SCOFFS) A frame.
It's a frame.
Come off it, man.
A dead guy in your office, and that same dead guy's got an ounce of.
38 caliber in him, bullets from your piece, Cain.
And you tell us "frame"? Mac, you want to hear the truth? Mmm.
Or do you want me to get into a debate with Kid Ranger here? Okay, old man, any time you want to talk about it, huh? We'll try the truth first, Eddie.
Your version.
Yeah.
Okay, Mac.
Let me see.
I guess I better start at the beginning.
Last week, it was a Monday.
Hot.
Well, things, as they say, had not been too great.
Couple of cheap divorces, a bodyguard job that got my nose busted a third time.
Nothing to write home about.
Then I get this call.
(RINGING) The call had come a long way, 20 years.
Norma Crespi, an old friend.
She wanted me to meet her at her house right away.
"Important," Norma said.
"Life and death.
" So, okay.
I needed the money.
Maybe the job would pay a bill or two and Anyway, I wanted to see her again, for old time's sake.
I'd heard all about Norma, of course.
Read about her in the papers.
A big-deal lady now married to a big-deal guy, Howard Lang, a candidate for State Governor, no less.
Yeah, Norma had done okay.
The house was nothing special.
Well, it was just your average millionaire's pad.
No big deal.
That was the first time I saw him, but not the last.
Hi! What can I do for you? Hey, do you know where I'd find Mrs.
Lang? Well, who wants to know? Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
Now don't get upset, Boots.
The name's not Boots.
Well, I'm sorry but they do seem sort of weird, old-fashioned, you know? But nice, very classy.
Hey, old buddy.
Can you tell me where Mrs.
Lang's hanging around? Well, I think she's in back.
I'm headed that way.
Oh, no, you're not, David! I have waited all morning for you to finish that silly, boring, personal work of yours.
Now you're going swimming with me.
I'm sorry.
I still have more work to do.
The gardening kind.
Your loss.
Who are you? (CHUCKLES) Nobody special.
You look like a tough guy.
Nah.
So long, tough guy.
Well, this way.
Hey, old buddy! Oh! You're the gardener, huh? Quite often, yes.
(CHUCKLING) Yeah, quite often.
That's good.
Yeah, that's good.
Say, I take it that's the young lady of the house.
Yes, that's right.
And she allows you use of the swimming pool? (SIGHING) She's very democratic that way.
Oh, I'll bet.
How long have you been gardening for her? MAID: Mr.
Cain.
You are Mr.
Cain? I'm Cain.
EDDIE: Life.
It has a way of jumping up and smacking you right between the running lights.
And always when you're not looking for the punch.
Hello, Eddie.
Hello, Norma.
Got any more? It's tequila, wasn't it? Straight up.
Straight up.
She was as beautiful as always, as if time hadn't gotten around to touching her yet and she was in big trouble.
For a blackmail note, it was very classy.
Brief, right to the point.
Not a wasted adjective in sight.
A hinky typewriter, but the message came through, loud and clear.
Danny R.
, I'm guessing, is Danny Romero, right? Norma and Romero, huh? Little Danny R.
, a guy who in the old days made Capone look like a priest.
Please, Eddie.
What do you think? Could it be Romero himself? He's legitimate now, and so am I.
(SCOFFS) Legit? Romero? Oh, sure.
What's this person here got on you, Norma? I mean, if I'm gonna help, I gotta know.
It was a xeroxed copy of a love letter from Danny R.
To Norma, dated after Norma Crespi had become Norma Lang.
Hot stuff.
Very hot stuff.
But Romero always took his last name too seriously.
Eddie, you said if you were going to help me.
The girl takes after you.
I'm going to take that as a compliment.
That's the way it was meant.
Will you help, Eddie? For old time's sake? Yes, for old time's sake.
Old time's sake, huh? (SCOFFS) What the hell kind of story is that? I've done some pretty stupid things myself for the same reason.
So, you started checking out the staff.
Yeah.
It's the only way.
It's what's gotta be done.
Case like that, blackmail.
A letter, for sure, that was stolen from inside the house.
It's the only way.
Check out the staff, first.
Everyone checked out okay except Jack Lewis, the chauffeur and the gardener, David Benedict.
The chauffeur's pedigree was still being run down, but Benedict was another story.
On David Benedict, my ID man drew a complete blank.
Zero.
And when someone comes up zero, then it's dime to donuts he's got something to hide.
The gardener looked like he was in a big hurry.
He was into his truck and gone faster than you could yell "Charge!" Something was up.
Well, I tailed Mr.
Zero from the nice part of town to the not-so-nice.
He finally pulled in near The Devil's Advocate.
Dope, sex.
The works.
You name it, and The Devil's Advocate served it up on a platinum platter.
What Benedict was doing there was a mystery.
But what the Lang Rolls, complete with Boots, was doing parked out front was even more of a mystery.
So, I always liked a good mystery.
Little Miss Muffet.
Norma would've got a big kick out of seeing her daughter in action.
A big kick, enough to really hurt.
The gardener, the chauffeur, a daughter with very bad habits and a blackmailer.
(CHUCKLES) The plot, as they say, thickens.
Take me to your tower, Prince David.
No, no.
Suppose I just take you to your room.
Oh, no, no, no! Come on, come on.
Come on, Vicki.
Vicki, no! No! Now come on.
I am taking you back to your room, okay? Mmm-mmm.
Vicki.
Yours, not mine.
No! No.
No.
Vicki, no.
Vicki.
Mmm-mmm.
(GIGGLING) Vicki.
No, no, no.
You're, you're, you're (LAUGHING) Come on, come on.
Come on.
DAVID: No, no, no, no, no.
I figured there was plenty of time while Mr.
Zero put little Vicki to beddy-bye.
But the more I dug around, the more stymied I got.
The guy was some kind of math nut or something.
He'd got calculations written down everywhere.
And the books, Einstein would have trouble figuring them out.
It was weird.
Really weird.
Bingo.
Can I help you? There he was, in the flesh, and looking at me like I'd just violated the Statue of Liberty.
I'm gonna take a walk before this hot air dries my brain.
Hey, when you come back, walk by the deli, huh? Yeah, sure.
So it was the gardener, huh? He was the one who wasted the chauffeur, right? Over that girl, maybe? It was a lot more complicated than that.
Poor gardener wants girl with social connections.
Poor gardener seduces girl or vice versa, he learns about girl's mama, makes a play for same and job security.
You're wrong.
I went to The Devil's Advocate because Mrs.
Stauros asked me to do so.
She was worried about Vicki.
She didn't want Mrs.
Lang to find out about it.
Uh-huh.
Mission of mercy, right? I want you to look at these.
Both from the same machine.
Care to explain? Someone typed this note on that machine.
I was not that someone.
EDDIE: An innocent victim of a double cross? I doubted it.
My cynical side was strong as ever, but there was something odd about this David guy.
Something more than just his blank history.
Okay, old buddy.
If you're telling the truth, I'll find out.
The same as I'll find out if you're lying.
Only don't make any sudden moves, you know, like leaving town, or I'll jump to a quick conclusion and put the cops on your tail.
If this David guy was a crook, then he was definitely not smalltime.
So who would know for sure? Who had his finger on all the heavy-duty con men, white collar hoods and trained assassins in the state? Dante Danny R.
Romero.
That's who.
Getting in to see a guy like Romero wasn't so easy, but I made a few calls to the right people and before you could croak Cosa Nostra, I was getting a free massage.
You're not carrying today, shamus.
That's very smart.
Just lucky, Irish.
The name's Mr.
Sheehan.
Come on, rent-a-cop.
All right.
What you got, Eddie? What's so important? Could be new talent.
I'm not very connected anymore.
What's his game? Blackmail, maybe.
Penny ante.
Maybe not so penny ante.
Who's the score? Try Norma Crespi Lang on for size.
I guess Danny didn't like the way that one fit.
Too tight, I think.
Binding, you know, right across the chest.
Well, I don't know.
Relax, Danny.
This may not be the guy.
Did Norma tell Victoria? Vicki? Tell her what? (LAUGHS) Yeah.
You're right.
Why would Norma tell her kid anything like that? Kind of messy.
(PHONE RINGING) Yes? Excuse me, will you, Eddie? Oh, sure.
What was going on? I say apples, Romero says oranges then tries to cover like he'd meant apples all the time.
Victoria.
Soon as he heard the word blackmail, Danny jumped right on Little Miss Muffet.
Why? I started adding things up in my head.
The new Mrs.
Norma Lang has a thing with Danny Romero.
Eighteen years later, Norma gets herself blackmailed.
And when Romero finds out, he hollers Victoria before he even knows what it's all about.
Vicki.
Victoria.
I didn't like where my brain was taking me.
The headache suddenly got a lot worse.
How old was Norma's daughter? Nineteen? Twenty? Could she be 18? Well, easy.
No sweat.
And if things had worked out different, could Victoria "Vicki" Lang have been Victoria Romero? Whoa, troops.
What a headache.
All right, Eddie.
Where were we? Well, Danny, I was just leaving.
My 10 minutes are up.
You handling this little problem for Norma, Eddie? Well, I'm trying.
This letter that Norma got, why don't you let me handle it? I'd be glad to.
(LAUGHS) I mean, you're welcome to.
When Norma tells me to lay off.
(CHUCKLING) A letter.
Romero mentioned a letter.
But I never told him about any letter.
Didn't have the chance.
So how'd he know? I decided it was a good thing Mr.
Lang was out of town.
Mrs.
Lang and I were gonna have another long talk.
But first, a call to my guy in ID, who was happy to report he'd finally run down the goods on our chauffeur.
It seems Boots was a definite smalltimer, with a bunco record a yard long and two big falls for, you guessed it, troops, blackmail.
Maybe I'd been wrong about this David guy.
Maybe I should've aimed at old Boots from the start.
Maybe I was thinking I should never have opened my big trap to Danny Romero.
Hell, maybe I was getting old.
Old and stupid.
(DIVING BOARD BANGING) (WATER SPLASHING) Boots and darling Vicki.
The more I saw of Little Miss Muffet, the more the resemblance to Romero came through.
She had the same kind of style, basic cobra.
The guy who swung the sap was a real expert.
Just a pretty blue star.
Bang in my head and then nada.
LEWIS: Pick him up.
(GROANING) It's not nice to spy on people.
Don't you know that? I guess I missed that in Sunday School.
(GIGGLES) LEWIS: Give me his gun, George.
Now you're gonna have to learn the hard way.
(SHOUTING) Get out of here! Run! (GRUNTS) (GRUNTING) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTING) (ROARS) No.
(BOTH EXCLAIM) You never learn from experience.
There I was, chasing a guy twice my size with another guy four times my size chasing me.
Yeah, Eddie, you got some intellect.
(GUN FIRING) It was old Boots, all right.
He had that loose bag-of-clothes look that only a dead guy has.
Dead as the proverbial doornail.
I had the distinct feeling that LA's heat wave was gonna get a lot hotter for yours truly.
And real quick.
And I was right.
(CHUCKLING) I got contacts, too, Eddie.
The phone call that interrupted our little talk? From a friend of mine from Patterson's campaign staff.
Lang's opponent? I like Patterson's odds better.
(DANNY CHUCKLING) Besides, I'm not too wild about this guy Norma married.
Anyway, this character calls my friend at Patterson's campaign headquarters and offers some dirt for sale.
Danny, it's okay.
So the guy's taken care of.
He's not gonna talk.
And Danny, you know you can trust me.
Oh.
I wish I could.
You know, Norma should've come to me in the first place.
This is family now, Eddie.
You're not family.
Vicki was involved with this guy.
It'll be handled.
Danny, she was involved.
It'll be handled! (HULK ROARS) (GUN FIRING) Get out of the way! What's going on here? MAN 1: Where is he? MAN 2: Don't see anything.
(ROARS) (ALL CHATTERING) MAN 2: Come on, we've got to get out of here.
MAN 1: He's gone.
Big green men, Mafioso.
Jeez, what a crock.
So Romero, or Romero's boys, zapped the chauffeur.
But Cain's gun, his gun fired the rounds, Mac.
The chauffeur took Eddie's gun.
That's what he says.
So now you're hit and running, hmm? What happened next? Well, it's hard to say.
I was kind of in and out, you know? It took forever, but I finally made it to the house.
And then I got a surprise.
She picked a hell of a time to throw a party and play "Meet the press.
" I knew it wouldn't do to bleed all over Norma's soirée.
Not right then.
But I needed a place to settle, and I needed it fast.
The gardener's apartment was closest.
(GROANS) Easy.
Easy! Just a flesh wound.
You're lucky.
How long? All night.
(GRUNTING) I wanna I wanna thank you for this and for earlier in the evening in the garage.
I I guess it was good you heard.
No, I didn't hear you.
I was on my way out and I saw that you needed some assistance, so I I did what I could.
But Jones isn't gonna like that.
That's another good reason for my getting out of here.
Jones, huh? You mean old Boots, the chauffeur? Well, he won't be feeling nothing about nothing.
Not anymore.
He's dead? Mmm.
How? How'd it happen? I laid it all out to him.
How Danny R.
And his troops knew.
How they'd blown Boots away and how, thanks to me showing Romero my snapshot of David, they probably had some things to discuss with both of us.
And that could get real unhealthy.
He took it good, considering.
It was like he'd been through a lot of bad times and had figured out for himself that getting hysterical don't ever help.
A very cool character.
(SIGHING) Thank you.
Look, man, I want you to know I feel bad about all this.
As far as I'm concerned, you're clean.
So, I'm gonna get you out.
You're all packed and all, right? (SIGHING) Yeah.
I had a spare gun in the car I was hoping I wouldn't need and some emergency money back in the office.
And then there was the matter of old Boots.
Your office? A real professional frame.
Let me think.
All the bus stations, airports, they'll all be covered now.
Either Romero's men or the cops.
Eddie! (MUTTERS) I hit the accelerator, but it was like jamming my foot into mud.
Never too late '48.
Come on! DAVID: Eddie! (GUN FIRING) Come on! You okay? Yeah, I I think so.
Eddie, look, about you helping me get out of town, I think maybe, you know, I ought to just head out by myself.
No, you wouldn't get a mile! Romero owns these people.
Somebody would spot you and that'd be that.
No, we gotta stay together.
We gotta go see Norma.
It's getting kind of sticky.
Yes! Sticky.
Yeah.
Well, it's cooler.
Certainly is cooler.
Air conditioning.
Nothing but the best for my friends.
(EDDIE LAUGHING) I gave Norma a call, set up a meet and got there right on time.
Norma, though, was late.
Tell me something, Eddie.
Hmm.
How long have you been in this business? Eons.
Too long, man.
Too long.
Oh, I mean there's money in it.
Good money.
I mean, if you, you know, got enough capital to start a real agency, get a big office and a couple shoe-leather dicks to pound the pavement and a lot of electronic surveillance gear.
I had all that once.
I had a heavy clientele, flashy girlfriends, cute as lace pants.
Nice car.
The whole bit.
So what happened? My appetite.
I got too hungry.
Got involved with a client and the client's money, and it wasn't really her money.
Capiche? Well, I paid it all back, but the big office and all was all gone.
Eddie, the client, what happened to her? Oh.
She did fine.
She did all right.
She came out fine.
Be right back, friend.
Here.
What happened? (SIGHS) Something very wrong is going down.
She's crying her eyes out.
See, all I wanted her to do was talk to Romero, get us off his hook, then maybe I'd be able to take care of the cops, what with Norma's bread and the blackmail thing finished.
So is she gonna talk to Romero? Probably, but only to tell him we're making a very important delivery and not to get in our way.
Either old Boots wasn't really the blackmailer, or else there's someone else.
Eddie, what are you going to do? Hmm.
Look.
And it's "we," friend.
You and me.
Whoever it is wrote this note, they set us up and the chauffeur at the same time.
You see, the same weird "a.
" Now, either we grab our mysterious friend here so he can tell Romero and the cops that we're not involved in this, or we are gonna have us a long, long run ahead of us.
To nowhere, friend.
(CHUCKLES) Nowhere.
The new blackmail note made it all very clear.
Norma was to bring the money to a phone booth at the corner of Artesia and Lakewood, then wait for a call.
(PHONE RINGING) Now came the hard part.
Convincing the blackmailer that Norma couldn't deliver in person, that David was doing her the favor.
Anywhere the blackmailer said.
My new pal, it seems, had a way with words.
The blackmailer went for the change in plans.
He gave David a new location where further instructions would be waiting, and we were off to the races.
Phone booth to phone booth.
The blackmailer had us going around in circles.
(CAR HORN HONKING) The trail led David to one of the still-standing monuments of the old Hollywood.
The studio had been dead for years, but the ghost was still very much alive.
The big time.
Fairbanks, Chaplin, Valentino, King Vidor and Von Stroheim.
Yeah, you got the distinct feeling they were still hanging around, having a ball and laughing themselves silly.
SHEEHAN: Hold it, messenger boy.
Now you just stay right where you are.
Don't try anything foolish, okay? That's it.
Keep those hands nice and still.
Put it down, Irish.
Nice, slow.
Okay, let me see if I got it right.
Sheehan wants Romero out of action so he can take over the organization.
Yeah, but this ain't 1948.
You don't blow away guys like Danny R.
Anymore.
So Sheehan finds some nice dirt, decides to spread it around.
Why blackmail somebody like Mrs.
Howard Lang? And where'd he get the dirt to begin with? Where dirt always comes from, your own backyard.
Why the blackmail thing, Irish? If you're gonna get Romero's job, you certainly don't need the money.
Why did you use old Boots, the chauffeur, hmm? Was he just a foil or Suddenly, I noticed David looking very uptight, and Sheehan's nasty smile came rushing back.
And at the same time, I smelled perfume, very expensive French perfume.
Hiya, tough guy.
Thank you.
You need a shave, Mr.
Cain.
Like you need a conscience.
(GIGGLES) You mean blackmailing Mommy dear? Your ex-flame? I know all about it.
Come on, babe, now hurry up! Come on! Enough talk! Not enough.
Mr.
Cain and David want to hear some reasons.
And considering what's going to happen to the poor boys, I think they deserve it.
Don't you think they deserve it? Your Honor, I hate my mommy! I know it's awful, but it's true.
And Daddy was icy cold, too.
As if he knew his little girl was not his little girl.
And Mommy worried all the time about who Vicki talked to or saw.
We know why, don't we? Mommy didn't want Vicki to dig up the family skeleton.
(GIGGLES) So Mommy sends Vicki off to Europe and guess who Vicki meets there? Three guesses.
Guess who she meets? An Irish Casanova.
Gotcha! Prince Charming.
Oh.
And he was so very, very charming.
Weren't you, Charming? And Vicki fell in love.
But then Vicki learns that the prince is Dante Romero's boy and that he's heard a story, a story about Mommy that the prince wants so he can bring his boss down.
And he needs Vicki's help.
The prince was a fake, just like everything else.
Now you listen to me, Vicki.
This is the wrong place to talk about these But Vicki still needs the prince, you know? She needs the love and the belief because she never had it before and she doesn't want to lose it.
So you steal a few letters.
And seduce the chauffeur.
Chauffeur seduction, don't you forget that.
The prince needed a fall guy.
But, uh Then somebody new came along.
A real prince.
I'm getting real tired of your fairytales, darling.
Now, let's finish with these gentlemen and get the hell out of here.
Not yet! I'm not finished! Mr.
Cain, tell them that No! MAC: Eddie? Hey, Eddie.
SHELDON: What happened then, man? Come on, Cain.
EDDIE: All hell broke loose.
David ran for cover.
I lost sight of him.
And I heard Sheehan yelling like a wounded boar.
The girl was bringing up their car, but I had other things to worry about.
Sheehan had found me.
We were busy doing the chokehold polka.
David tried to help, but Little Miss Muffet took a shot at him while Irish and me took a dive.
The rope Sheehan was trying to waste me with jerked loose.
I yelled at David, but Sheehan was pounding my head and there wasn't nothing I could do.
Vicki, though, wasn't watching David.
She was taking a shot at yours truly.
(ROARS) Green thing again.
Whatever it was, it was huge.
Sheehan wasn't about to stick around.
Neither was your pal, Eddie Cain.
Vicki was in her car like a shot and Sheehan was diving inside.
The big green fellow, though, had his own ideas about them leaving.
(GRUNTING) With one exit blocked, Vicki love tried the other.
The tower must have weighed tons.
But old Mr.
Green had no trouble at all.
Mr.
Green went running off into the sunset before I could thank him.
But when you're green, I guess hanging around for handshakes just don't pay off.
MAC: Hey, Eddie, what happened to the gardener? (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Uh, gardener? This David guy, the guy who helped you.
He's gone.
David's gone.
He's gone.
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT) So, now what? They just found Sheehan a couple of blocks from here.
A dive hotel.
Romero's boys got there just ahead of us.
Lucky for Sheehan.
And the girl's okay, too.
They're bringing her here.
I guess you can go, Eddie.
She backs your story.
Laid it all out to the arresting officers, nice and neat.
She was just sitting there, waiting, when they came in.
(CHUCKLES) Nice, huh? Yeah.
Lovely.
Hey.
Wait a minute.
You can't just let him walk out of here like that MAC: Let it go.
(SIGHS) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) They, um They came to kill Sheehan.
But they wouldn't shoot me.
They wouldn't shoot Victoria Romero.
Will you tell David I'm really sorry? So long, tough guy.
Tell David, huh? Yeah.
If only I could.
No.
No.
No.
Vicki, no.
(ROARS) What you got, Eddie? EDDIE: Blackmail.
then it's dime to donuts he's got something to hide.
(ROARS) Something very wrong is going down.
He's dead? How? NARRATOR: Dr.
David Banner, physician, scientist.
Searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths that all humans have.
Then, an accidental overdose of gamma radiation alters his body chemistry.
And now, when David Banner grows angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs.
(ROARS) The creature is driven by rage and pursued by an investigative reporter.
Mr.
McGee, don't make me angry.
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
The creature is wanted for a murder he didn't commit.
David Banner is believed to be dead.
And he must let the world think that he is dead until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him.
(ROARS) EDDIE: It was late August in Los Angeles and hotter than the price of gold.
For two long weeks, a super-heated Santa Ana wind had been blowing in from the desert and the City of Angels was beginning to curl up and shrivel, like cheap bacon on a hot grill.
At night the desert wind went away.
But the heat hung around forever, trapped down on the streets and sidewalks and alleys, not to mention inside a guy's skull.
People can get strange when it's been so hot for so long.
People can even get crazy.
Take my word on it, troops.
Eddie Cain, Investigator, wouldn't kid you.
Come on, Eddie.
Talk to me.
Man's trying to help you, Cain.
MAC: Jack Lewis.
Alias, John Lewis.
Alias, Louis Jones.
You knew this guy, Eddie? Semi-acquainted.
(SCOFFS) A frame.
It's a frame.
Come off it, man.
A dead guy in your office, and that same dead guy's got an ounce of.
38 caliber in him, bullets from your piece, Cain.
And you tell us "frame"? Mac, you want to hear the truth? Mmm.
Or do you want me to get into a debate with Kid Ranger here? Okay, old man, any time you want to talk about it, huh? We'll try the truth first, Eddie.
Your version.
Yeah.
Okay, Mac.
Let me see.
I guess I better start at the beginning.
Last week, it was a Monday.
Hot.
Well, things, as they say, had not been too great.
Couple of cheap divorces, a bodyguard job that got my nose busted a third time.
Nothing to write home about.
Then I get this call.
(RINGING) The call had come a long way, 20 years.
Norma Crespi, an old friend.
She wanted me to meet her at her house right away.
"Important," Norma said.
"Life and death.
" So, okay.
I needed the money.
Maybe the job would pay a bill or two and Anyway, I wanted to see her again, for old time's sake.
I'd heard all about Norma, of course.
Read about her in the papers.
A big-deal lady now married to a big-deal guy, Howard Lang, a candidate for State Governor, no less.
Yeah, Norma had done okay.
The house was nothing special.
Well, it was just your average millionaire's pad.
No big deal.
That was the first time I saw him, but not the last.
Hi! What can I do for you? Hey, do you know where I'd find Mrs.
Lang? Well, who wants to know? Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
Now don't get upset, Boots.
The name's not Boots.
Well, I'm sorry but they do seem sort of weird, old-fashioned, you know? But nice, very classy.
Hey, old buddy.
Can you tell me where Mrs.
Lang's hanging around? Well, I think she's in back.
I'm headed that way.
Oh, no, you're not, David! I have waited all morning for you to finish that silly, boring, personal work of yours.
Now you're going swimming with me.
I'm sorry.
I still have more work to do.
The gardening kind.
Your loss.
Who are you? (CHUCKLES) Nobody special.
You look like a tough guy.
Nah.
So long, tough guy.
Well, this way.
Hey, old buddy! Oh! You're the gardener, huh? Quite often, yes.
(CHUCKLING) Yeah, quite often.
That's good.
Yeah, that's good.
Say, I take it that's the young lady of the house.
Yes, that's right.
And she allows you use of the swimming pool? (SIGHING) She's very democratic that way.
Oh, I'll bet.
How long have you been gardening for her? MAID: Mr.
Cain.
You are Mr.
Cain? I'm Cain.
EDDIE: Life.
It has a way of jumping up and smacking you right between the running lights.
And always when you're not looking for the punch.
Hello, Eddie.
Hello, Norma.
Got any more? It's tequila, wasn't it? Straight up.
Straight up.
She was as beautiful as always, as if time hadn't gotten around to touching her yet and she was in big trouble.
For a blackmail note, it was very classy.
Brief, right to the point.
Not a wasted adjective in sight.
A hinky typewriter, but the message came through, loud and clear.
Danny R.
, I'm guessing, is Danny Romero, right? Norma and Romero, huh? Little Danny R.
, a guy who in the old days made Capone look like a priest.
Please, Eddie.
What do you think? Could it be Romero himself? He's legitimate now, and so am I.
(SCOFFS) Legit? Romero? Oh, sure.
What's this person here got on you, Norma? I mean, if I'm gonna help, I gotta know.
It was a xeroxed copy of a love letter from Danny R.
To Norma, dated after Norma Crespi had become Norma Lang.
Hot stuff.
Very hot stuff.
But Romero always took his last name too seriously.
Eddie, you said if you were going to help me.
The girl takes after you.
I'm going to take that as a compliment.
That's the way it was meant.
Will you help, Eddie? For old time's sake? Yes, for old time's sake.
Old time's sake, huh? (SCOFFS) What the hell kind of story is that? I've done some pretty stupid things myself for the same reason.
So, you started checking out the staff.
Yeah.
It's the only way.
It's what's gotta be done.
Case like that, blackmail.
A letter, for sure, that was stolen from inside the house.
It's the only way.
Check out the staff, first.
Everyone checked out okay except Jack Lewis, the chauffeur and the gardener, David Benedict.
The chauffeur's pedigree was still being run down, but Benedict was another story.
On David Benedict, my ID man drew a complete blank.
Zero.
And when someone comes up zero, then it's dime to donuts he's got something to hide.
The gardener looked like he was in a big hurry.
He was into his truck and gone faster than you could yell "Charge!" Something was up.
Well, I tailed Mr.
Zero from the nice part of town to the not-so-nice.
He finally pulled in near The Devil's Advocate.
Dope, sex.
The works.
You name it, and The Devil's Advocate served it up on a platinum platter.
What Benedict was doing there was a mystery.
But what the Lang Rolls, complete with Boots, was doing parked out front was even more of a mystery.
So, I always liked a good mystery.
Little Miss Muffet.
Norma would've got a big kick out of seeing her daughter in action.
A big kick, enough to really hurt.
The gardener, the chauffeur, a daughter with very bad habits and a blackmailer.
(CHUCKLES) The plot, as they say, thickens.
Take me to your tower, Prince David.
No, no.
Suppose I just take you to your room.
Oh, no, no, no! Come on, come on.
Come on, Vicki.
Vicki, no! No! Now come on.
I am taking you back to your room, okay? Mmm-mmm.
Vicki.
Yours, not mine.
No! No.
No.
Vicki, no.
Vicki.
Mmm-mmm.
(GIGGLING) Vicki.
No, no, no.
You're, you're, you're (LAUGHING) Come on, come on.
Come on.
DAVID: No, no, no, no, no.
I figured there was plenty of time while Mr.
Zero put little Vicki to beddy-bye.
But the more I dug around, the more stymied I got.
The guy was some kind of math nut or something.
He'd got calculations written down everywhere.
And the books, Einstein would have trouble figuring them out.
It was weird.
Really weird.
Bingo.
Can I help you? There he was, in the flesh, and looking at me like I'd just violated the Statue of Liberty.
I'm gonna take a walk before this hot air dries my brain.
Hey, when you come back, walk by the deli, huh? Yeah, sure.
So it was the gardener, huh? He was the one who wasted the chauffeur, right? Over that girl, maybe? It was a lot more complicated than that.
Poor gardener wants girl with social connections.
Poor gardener seduces girl or vice versa, he learns about girl's mama, makes a play for same and job security.
You're wrong.
I went to The Devil's Advocate because Mrs.
Stauros asked me to do so.
She was worried about Vicki.
She didn't want Mrs.
Lang to find out about it.
Uh-huh.
Mission of mercy, right? I want you to look at these.
Both from the same machine.
Care to explain? Someone typed this note on that machine.
I was not that someone.
EDDIE: An innocent victim of a double cross? I doubted it.
My cynical side was strong as ever, but there was something odd about this David guy.
Something more than just his blank history.
Okay, old buddy.
If you're telling the truth, I'll find out.
The same as I'll find out if you're lying.
Only don't make any sudden moves, you know, like leaving town, or I'll jump to a quick conclusion and put the cops on your tail.
If this David guy was a crook, then he was definitely not smalltime.
So who would know for sure? Who had his finger on all the heavy-duty con men, white collar hoods and trained assassins in the state? Dante Danny R.
Romero.
That's who.
Getting in to see a guy like Romero wasn't so easy, but I made a few calls to the right people and before you could croak Cosa Nostra, I was getting a free massage.
You're not carrying today, shamus.
That's very smart.
Just lucky, Irish.
The name's Mr.
Sheehan.
Come on, rent-a-cop.
All right.
What you got, Eddie? What's so important? Could be new talent.
I'm not very connected anymore.
What's his game? Blackmail, maybe.
Penny ante.
Maybe not so penny ante.
Who's the score? Try Norma Crespi Lang on for size.
I guess Danny didn't like the way that one fit.
Too tight, I think.
Binding, you know, right across the chest.
Well, I don't know.
Relax, Danny.
This may not be the guy.
Did Norma tell Victoria? Vicki? Tell her what? (LAUGHS) Yeah.
You're right.
Why would Norma tell her kid anything like that? Kind of messy.
(PHONE RINGING) Yes? Excuse me, will you, Eddie? Oh, sure.
What was going on? I say apples, Romero says oranges then tries to cover like he'd meant apples all the time.
Victoria.
Soon as he heard the word blackmail, Danny jumped right on Little Miss Muffet.
Why? I started adding things up in my head.
The new Mrs.
Norma Lang has a thing with Danny Romero.
Eighteen years later, Norma gets herself blackmailed.
And when Romero finds out, he hollers Victoria before he even knows what it's all about.
Vicki.
Victoria.
I didn't like where my brain was taking me.
The headache suddenly got a lot worse.
How old was Norma's daughter? Nineteen? Twenty? Could she be 18? Well, easy.
No sweat.
And if things had worked out different, could Victoria "Vicki" Lang have been Victoria Romero? Whoa, troops.
What a headache.
All right, Eddie.
Where were we? Well, Danny, I was just leaving.
My 10 minutes are up.
You handling this little problem for Norma, Eddie? Well, I'm trying.
This letter that Norma got, why don't you let me handle it? I'd be glad to.
(LAUGHS) I mean, you're welcome to.
When Norma tells me to lay off.
(CHUCKLING) A letter.
Romero mentioned a letter.
But I never told him about any letter.
Didn't have the chance.
So how'd he know? I decided it was a good thing Mr.
Lang was out of town.
Mrs.
Lang and I were gonna have another long talk.
But first, a call to my guy in ID, who was happy to report he'd finally run down the goods on our chauffeur.
It seems Boots was a definite smalltimer, with a bunco record a yard long and two big falls for, you guessed it, troops, blackmail.
Maybe I'd been wrong about this David guy.
Maybe I should've aimed at old Boots from the start.
Maybe I was thinking I should never have opened my big trap to Danny Romero.
Hell, maybe I was getting old.
Old and stupid.
(DIVING BOARD BANGING) (WATER SPLASHING) Boots and darling Vicki.
The more I saw of Little Miss Muffet, the more the resemblance to Romero came through.
She had the same kind of style, basic cobra.
The guy who swung the sap was a real expert.
Just a pretty blue star.
Bang in my head and then nada.
LEWIS: Pick him up.
(GROANING) It's not nice to spy on people.
Don't you know that? I guess I missed that in Sunday School.
(GIGGLES) LEWIS: Give me his gun, George.
Now you're gonna have to learn the hard way.
(SHOUTING) Get out of here! Run! (GRUNTS) (GRUNTING) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTING) (ROARS) No.
(BOTH EXCLAIM) You never learn from experience.
There I was, chasing a guy twice my size with another guy four times my size chasing me.
Yeah, Eddie, you got some intellect.
(GUN FIRING) It was old Boots, all right.
He had that loose bag-of-clothes look that only a dead guy has.
Dead as the proverbial doornail.
I had the distinct feeling that LA's heat wave was gonna get a lot hotter for yours truly.
And real quick.
And I was right.
(CHUCKLING) I got contacts, too, Eddie.
The phone call that interrupted our little talk? From a friend of mine from Patterson's campaign staff.
Lang's opponent? I like Patterson's odds better.
(DANNY CHUCKLING) Besides, I'm not too wild about this guy Norma married.
Anyway, this character calls my friend at Patterson's campaign headquarters and offers some dirt for sale.
Danny, it's okay.
So the guy's taken care of.
He's not gonna talk.
And Danny, you know you can trust me.
Oh.
I wish I could.
You know, Norma should've come to me in the first place.
This is family now, Eddie.
You're not family.
Vicki was involved with this guy.
It'll be handled.
Danny, she was involved.
It'll be handled! (HULK ROARS) (GUN FIRING) Get out of the way! What's going on here? MAN 1: Where is he? MAN 2: Don't see anything.
(ROARS) (ALL CHATTERING) MAN 2: Come on, we've got to get out of here.
MAN 1: He's gone.
Big green men, Mafioso.
Jeez, what a crock.
So Romero, or Romero's boys, zapped the chauffeur.
But Cain's gun, his gun fired the rounds, Mac.
The chauffeur took Eddie's gun.
That's what he says.
So now you're hit and running, hmm? What happened next? Well, it's hard to say.
I was kind of in and out, you know? It took forever, but I finally made it to the house.
And then I got a surprise.
She picked a hell of a time to throw a party and play "Meet the press.
" I knew it wouldn't do to bleed all over Norma's soirée.
Not right then.
But I needed a place to settle, and I needed it fast.
The gardener's apartment was closest.
(GROANS) Easy.
Easy! Just a flesh wound.
You're lucky.
How long? All night.
(GRUNTING) I wanna I wanna thank you for this and for earlier in the evening in the garage.
I I guess it was good you heard.
No, I didn't hear you.
I was on my way out and I saw that you needed some assistance, so I I did what I could.
But Jones isn't gonna like that.
That's another good reason for my getting out of here.
Jones, huh? You mean old Boots, the chauffeur? Well, he won't be feeling nothing about nothing.
Not anymore.
He's dead? Mmm.
How? How'd it happen? I laid it all out to him.
How Danny R.
And his troops knew.
How they'd blown Boots away and how, thanks to me showing Romero my snapshot of David, they probably had some things to discuss with both of us.
And that could get real unhealthy.
He took it good, considering.
It was like he'd been through a lot of bad times and had figured out for himself that getting hysterical don't ever help.
A very cool character.
(SIGHING) Thank you.
Look, man, I want you to know I feel bad about all this.
As far as I'm concerned, you're clean.
So, I'm gonna get you out.
You're all packed and all, right? (SIGHING) Yeah.
I had a spare gun in the car I was hoping I wouldn't need and some emergency money back in the office.
And then there was the matter of old Boots.
Your office? A real professional frame.
Let me think.
All the bus stations, airports, they'll all be covered now.
Either Romero's men or the cops.
Eddie! (MUTTERS) I hit the accelerator, but it was like jamming my foot into mud.
Never too late '48.
Come on! DAVID: Eddie! (GUN FIRING) Come on! You okay? Yeah, I I think so.
Eddie, look, about you helping me get out of town, I think maybe, you know, I ought to just head out by myself.
No, you wouldn't get a mile! Romero owns these people.
Somebody would spot you and that'd be that.
No, we gotta stay together.
We gotta go see Norma.
It's getting kind of sticky.
Yes! Sticky.
Yeah.
Well, it's cooler.
Certainly is cooler.
Air conditioning.
Nothing but the best for my friends.
(EDDIE LAUGHING) I gave Norma a call, set up a meet and got there right on time.
Norma, though, was late.
Tell me something, Eddie.
Hmm.
How long have you been in this business? Eons.
Too long, man.
Too long.
Oh, I mean there's money in it.
Good money.
I mean, if you, you know, got enough capital to start a real agency, get a big office and a couple shoe-leather dicks to pound the pavement and a lot of electronic surveillance gear.
I had all that once.
I had a heavy clientele, flashy girlfriends, cute as lace pants.
Nice car.
The whole bit.
So what happened? My appetite.
I got too hungry.
Got involved with a client and the client's money, and it wasn't really her money.
Capiche? Well, I paid it all back, but the big office and all was all gone.
Eddie, the client, what happened to her? Oh.
She did fine.
She did all right.
She came out fine.
Be right back, friend.
Here.
What happened? (SIGHS) Something very wrong is going down.
She's crying her eyes out.
See, all I wanted her to do was talk to Romero, get us off his hook, then maybe I'd be able to take care of the cops, what with Norma's bread and the blackmail thing finished.
So is she gonna talk to Romero? Probably, but only to tell him we're making a very important delivery and not to get in our way.
Either old Boots wasn't really the blackmailer, or else there's someone else.
Eddie, what are you going to do? Hmm.
Look.
And it's "we," friend.
You and me.
Whoever it is wrote this note, they set us up and the chauffeur at the same time.
You see, the same weird "a.
" Now, either we grab our mysterious friend here so he can tell Romero and the cops that we're not involved in this, or we are gonna have us a long, long run ahead of us.
To nowhere, friend.
(CHUCKLES) Nowhere.
The new blackmail note made it all very clear.
Norma was to bring the money to a phone booth at the corner of Artesia and Lakewood, then wait for a call.
(PHONE RINGING) Now came the hard part.
Convincing the blackmailer that Norma couldn't deliver in person, that David was doing her the favor.
Anywhere the blackmailer said.
My new pal, it seems, had a way with words.
The blackmailer went for the change in plans.
He gave David a new location where further instructions would be waiting, and we were off to the races.
Phone booth to phone booth.
The blackmailer had us going around in circles.
(CAR HORN HONKING) The trail led David to one of the still-standing monuments of the old Hollywood.
The studio had been dead for years, but the ghost was still very much alive.
The big time.
Fairbanks, Chaplin, Valentino, King Vidor and Von Stroheim.
Yeah, you got the distinct feeling they were still hanging around, having a ball and laughing themselves silly.
SHEEHAN: Hold it, messenger boy.
Now you just stay right where you are.
Don't try anything foolish, okay? That's it.
Keep those hands nice and still.
Put it down, Irish.
Nice, slow.
Okay, let me see if I got it right.
Sheehan wants Romero out of action so he can take over the organization.
Yeah, but this ain't 1948.
You don't blow away guys like Danny R.
Anymore.
So Sheehan finds some nice dirt, decides to spread it around.
Why blackmail somebody like Mrs.
Howard Lang? And where'd he get the dirt to begin with? Where dirt always comes from, your own backyard.
Why the blackmail thing, Irish? If you're gonna get Romero's job, you certainly don't need the money.
Why did you use old Boots, the chauffeur, hmm? Was he just a foil or Suddenly, I noticed David looking very uptight, and Sheehan's nasty smile came rushing back.
And at the same time, I smelled perfume, very expensive French perfume.
Hiya, tough guy.
Thank you.
You need a shave, Mr.
Cain.
Like you need a conscience.
(GIGGLES) You mean blackmailing Mommy dear? Your ex-flame? I know all about it.
Come on, babe, now hurry up! Come on! Enough talk! Not enough.
Mr.
Cain and David want to hear some reasons.
And considering what's going to happen to the poor boys, I think they deserve it.
Don't you think they deserve it? Your Honor, I hate my mommy! I know it's awful, but it's true.
And Daddy was icy cold, too.
As if he knew his little girl was not his little girl.
And Mommy worried all the time about who Vicki talked to or saw.
We know why, don't we? Mommy didn't want Vicki to dig up the family skeleton.
(GIGGLES) So Mommy sends Vicki off to Europe and guess who Vicki meets there? Three guesses.
Guess who she meets? An Irish Casanova.
Gotcha! Prince Charming.
Oh.
And he was so very, very charming.
Weren't you, Charming? And Vicki fell in love.
But then Vicki learns that the prince is Dante Romero's boy and that he's heard a story, a story about Mommy that the prince wants so he can bring his boss down.
And he needs Vicki's help.
The prince was a fake, just like everything else.
Now you listen to me, Vicki.
This is the wrong place to talk about these But Vicki still needs the prince, you know? She needs the love and the belief because she never had it before and she doesn't want to lose it.
So you steal a few letters.
And seduce the chauffeur.
Chauffeur seduction, don't you forget that.
The prince needed a fall guy.
But, uh Then somebody new came along.
A real prince.
I'm getting real tired of your fairytales, darling.
Now, let's finish with these gentlemen and get the hell out of here.
Not yet! I'm not finished! Mr.
Cain, tell them that No! MAC: Eddie? Hey, Eddie.
SHELDON: What happened then, man? Come on, Cain.
EDDIE: All hell broke loose.
David ran for cover.
I lost sight of him.
And I heard Sheehan yelling like a wounded boar.
The girl was bringing up their car, but I had other things to worry about.
Sheehan had found me.
We were busy doing the chokehold polka.
David tried to help, but Little Miss Muffet took a shot at him while Irish and me took a dive.
The rope Sheehan was trying to waste me with jerked loose.
I yelled at David, but Sheehan was pounding my head and there wasn't nothing I could do.
Vicki, though, wasn't watching David.
She was taking a shot at yours truly.
(ROARS) Green thing again.
Whatever it was, it was huge.
Sheehan wasn't about to stick around.
Neither was your pal, Eddie Cain.
Vicki was in her car like a shot and Sheehan was diving inside.
The big green fellow, though, had his own ideas about them leaving.
(GRUNTING) With one exit blocked, Vicki love tried the other.
The tower must have weighed tons.
But old Mr.
Green had no trouble at all.
Mr.
Green went running off into the sunset before I could thank him.
But when you're green, I guess hanging around for handshakes just don't pay off.
MAC: Hey, Eddie, what happened to the gardener? (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Uh, gardener? This David guy, the guy who helped you.
He's gone.
David's gone.
He's gone.
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT) So, now what? They just found Sheehan a couple of blocks from here.
A dive hotel.
Romero's boys got there just ahead of us.
Lucky for Sheehan.
And the girl's okay, too.
They're bringing her here.
I guess you can go, Eddie.
She backs your story.
Laid it all out to the arresting officers, nice and neat.
She was just sitting there, waiting, when they came in.
(CHUCKLES) Nice, huh? Yeah.
Lovely.
Hey.
Wait a minute.
You can't just let him walk out of here like that MAC: Let it go.
(SIGHS) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) They, um They came to kill Sheehan.
But they wouldn't shoot me.
They wouldn't shoot Victoria Romero.
Will you tell David I'm really sorry? So long, tough guy.
Tell David, huh? Yeah.
If only I could.