The League s04e08 Episode Script
The Anchor Baby
Ruxin's on my bed And he's mackin' some cheese Checkin' out some legal briefs And watchin' TV.
I got to do an album.
They don't want to fall behind on the road in this hostile environment with this noisy crowd, and to play with the league, they want to be balanced.
They've been excellent at running the football and throwing it-- almost 200 yards in each category.
Hi.
Hi.
I was just using this fork to comb my hair? You look beautiful.
You want to maybe get a little exercise? Little exercise? Little cardio? Hmm, yeah, I could do some cardio.
I freaked out.
My wife has completely changed her pubic configuration.
She went from the pizza slice straight up to a breadstick.
She's relandscaping the whole front yard for resale.
She is going to leave me.
I-I can feel it.
I don't know what the issue is.
She's not complaining.
What's the big deal? out of my wife's mouth are complaints, and now all is quiet on the Ruxin front-- too quiet.
She is souring on this marriage, and can you blame her? She looks like she belongs on a beer poster, and I look like the guy who makes you answer riddles before you cross a bridge.
Could it just be that she loves you for your quirks and that maybe-- just maybe-- she's happy? No, my wife is too smart to be happy.
I think it's more possible that she's happy than smart.
Oh, you guys want proof? She has switched from yoga to Pilates.
Oh.
Ooh.
So she wants to be healthier and more attractive, and that's bad? Andre, yoga is communist cardio, and Pilates is free-market capitalism.
She is deregulating that body so that corporations can come in and just go to town on that puss.
Everybody knows that the sole purpose for Pilates is to get the muscles ready just to be pounded on by dudes.
Uh, hello, I took Pilates.
Exactly, case in point.
What? I've never been pounded on by dudes.
Define "never.
" You know what? If I did make that choice, I would hope that you would support me-- all of you.
Of course we would support you.
We would support your head while dudes just dumped loads into the back of your throat-- gah! Place is pretty awesome.
I think you're going to like it.
Cool.
Who's Dr.
Robert Melvoy? Oh, he's some psychologist who used to live here.
Check it out.
Taco, this is really nice.
How'd you find this place? Oh, I was reading the obituaries, and I found out that Dr.
Melvoy died in here.
He died in here? Yeah, they didn't find his body for about a week.
It brought the price down.
Where did he die? Uh, judging from the death stain, probably exactly where you're sitting.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
I love this place.
It is awesome.
It's right down the street from the dog-grooming van where I get my hair cut, and I don't need Wi-Fi because my neighbors have sex all the time and I can see them.
It's getting a little redundant, though.
Unless they introduce a toy or a third person, I'll probably have to steal someone's cable.
So, Ruxin, I heard through the message board that one of your quarterbacks might soon be on the trading block.
I got an embarrassment of riches-- RGIII and Stafford-- but my defenses are looking weaker than a drunk, single girl in her 30s at her little sister's wedding.
I want one of those quarterbacks.
Oh, shit, Lane's here.
If he comes over, he's just going to latch on to me the entire night.
He is an intolerable douchebag.
Yeah, how did he latch on to you? I'm at this party with a friend of mine, Lane walks up to us, starts just dropping douche bombs all over the place, like, "Did you know that surf music is the American flamenco?" Ugh.
It's horrible, and my friend's like, "Hey, let me buy you guys some drinks," all happy.
He bolts and ditches me with Lane.
Ah, you got friend-offed.
Exactly, a friend-off's like a handoff.
You got to put that foot down, you got to make that turn and cut, and you got to go for daylight before you get covered in a sweaty pile of undesirable dude.
Oh, come on, don't even.
Pete.
Huh-- Lane.
I thought it was you.
Unbelievable-- come here.
Unbelievable.
I have been trying to get in touch with you.
I've called you and e-mailed you.
You probably thought I was still in South America.
I was hoping so.
When I say "merengue," what are the first three words that come into your head? Must leave now? I understand why you'd say that; conditions are grim.
There were days when I couldn't even find clean water for my neti pot.
Wow.
Yeah, it was better than Haiti, though.
I went down to Haiti after the earthquake to deejay for the villagers.
I mean, gratis, no charge.
Hey, where is everybody? Andre, oh, my God, it is so amazing to see you.
Really? All right.
Come here, I haven't seen you in forever.
What's going on? I want to introduce you to Lane.
Lane, this is Andre.
Hey, all right.
Andre, we were just talking about deejaying in Haiti.
Oh, my God, I so want to do that.
I feel like that's the best way to give back to everyone down there.
This is gonna be a great night.
I'm gonna go to the restroom real quick and I'll be right back, and you guys chill out.
Okay.
Wow, so you How do you get into that DJ scene? 'Cause that's something that I have been dying to do, but I feel like a lot of it is politics.
So what's your DJ name? Little Miss Spin.
Haven't men taken enough from women already without taking "miss"? Oh, n-no, no, no, no, it's, it's ironic.
How so? I, I don't, I don't know.
Always know how you're being ironic.
That's a good rule.
Text that to myself.
Look at this.
All right.
Hmm.
Listening with Compassion.
Hey, dead guy, where are you hiding your weed? Come in.
Oh, I'm sorry, I was, uh, looking for Dr.
Melvoy.
He's no longer here.
I'm here now.
Oh, he didn't tell me anything about that.
He probably told you, I'm dealing with a lot of abandonment issues.
And how does that make you feel? I've tried some different diets, and, um Didn't work.
No.
Here's a course of action I'd like to propose.
For every pound that you lose, I will have sexual intercourse with you one time.
Really? Mm-hmm, and I'll throw in a freebie right now just to let you know what you're going to get.
I can't quit, I can't quit.
Let me tell you what you're going to do.
Every time you feel like taking drugs or taking a drink, you're going to bring it here and we're going to share it.
Slowly I'll take more and more, tapering you off until finally I'm doing all your drugs and alcohol for you.
Now, don't be stingy with that weed.
Yeah, come to Papa.
Oh, this is some good shit.
I hate school.
I get bullied every day.
I wish I didn't have to go.
You're going to go to school, but this is what you're going to do: you're going to bring this gun with you.
Check it out.
Chamber's empty, but they don't know that.
What you do is, you put it in your waistband like this.
When they come at you, just lift your T-shirt-- not too high, though, or else they're going to see those bitch tits of yours.
You hear me? Where'd you go the other night? Sorry, I didn't mean to ditch you, but I just could not bear to be around Lane any longer.
I had to do it.
You must have wanted to gnaw your arm off to get away from that guy.
No, he, like, left a couple seconds after you disappeared.
What do you mean? He didn't talk your ear off about how rockabilly is the klezmer music of the red states? No, he just kind of took off right after you.
Ah, he usually gloms on to any conversation he can get his mitts on.
No, no glomming.
Oh, shit, I fumbled the friend-off.
What's a friend-off? I'm stuck with him now.
Hey, Taco.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey, hey, no, no, no, no, no, absolutely not.
We're brothers-- it's weird if I don't sit on your lap.
Get yourself a chair.
Hey, Taco, how's the therapy practice? It is going awesome.
Helping people with their stupid brain problems is super easy.
I'm impressed.
Why are you guys impressed with him? I went to med school.
I'm a doctor.
He didn't even finish high school.
Well, that's precisely why we're impressed.
He's over-performing.
He's like the fat kid in Rudy.
Mm-mm.
Turns out he wasn't just a fat kid; he was a hobbit.
That's why he was so good at football.
You don't even know what you're doing.
Mmm.
It makes you anxious when things don't fit in your neat little boxes, doesn't it, Andre? Stop.
Let's explore that.
No, we're not exploring anything.
Are you smoking weed out of that pipe? No.
I'm smoking weed out of the bong I built inside of the pipe.
That's right: I turned this into a marijuana-smoking device.
That's the kind of mind you're dealing with here.
All right, I figured it out.
Anchor baby.
What? I need to convince Sofia to have another child with me.
'Cause then she's pregnant for a year, she's out of commission.
Then she's feeling maternal and unattractive for another year-- out of commission.
If she looks at the cost-benefit analysis of leaving me, it's too risky of a move.
That is a beautiful plan you have worked out.
Yeah, I think if I put another baby in her, it'll really crush her spirit-- kind of like Kevin did to Jenny.
I did not crush Jenny's spirit.
Kevin, you are a soul-crushing ninja.
I mean, you've convinced all of us to hang out with you, and we're not even the depository for your rancid seed.
Okay.
Well, most of us.
You two are clearly in love.
Let's talk about this.
Ruxin, let's talk trade.
I don't have a lot of time.
I'm putting baby Christopher to sleep.
Where do you put Chalupa Batman to bed, in the pantry or the freezer section? You know, it's not funny.
Listen, you have RGIII, and I could really use a great quarterback.
I'm not even thinking about football right now.
I want to ask Sofia about the anchor baby, but I really only get one shot 'cause if she says no, I'm totally screwed.
So I feel like I'm constantly, you know, beating around the shaved bush.
Okay, Ruxin, focus here.
Here's my offer.
The San Francisco 49ers defense.
That is a top-tier, #1 starting defense.
I'm willing to part with it for RGIII.
What? Okay, all right, fine.
I'll give you the San Francisco defense and No, no, no.
That's not how this is going to go down.
Giants offense.
That's big, Ruxin.
That's not bad.
Yeah, I could do that deal.
Really? Great, okay.
Do not trade RGIII.
This is the kind of thing where everybody wins.
So, just go to the computer and type it up, send it over to me and I'll approve it, and you should have our players by the weekend.
You know what, I don't think I can do the deal anymore, buddy.
What? You don't want to do the trade? We just had Yes, I am.
I am stone-cold! Yeah, no deal.
Sorry, dude.
Sucks to be you.
Peace.
Are you kidding me, Ruxin? Hello? What happened? How are my sweet boys doing? You okay? Yeah.
Is his onesie on backwards? I don't know, I don't know if it's on backwards.
He's gonna piss through it in an hour anyway.
Okay.
Christopher, can you say "RGIII"? It's like Terrific Lady Day again.
Yeah.
No better way to spend a Sunday than just looking at flowers.
Look at this.
This is so amazing! Oh, my God, it's so vibrant! I could stare at this all day.
Yeah, and I could stand next to you while you do it.
Some guys get squeamish about flower shopping with another dude, but don't worry, I'm confidently heterosexual.
I got all the gay stuff out of my system during my Semester at Sea.
Great.
Thank you, Lane.
Tiger orchid! Yeah, I-I'll be right there.
Hey, babe, I'm gonna look at the other orchids.
Okay.
What are you doing here? I'm trying to ditch Lane and bore him, but the guy's un-boreable.
Well, I'm on a Terrific Lady nightmare with Sofia.
I envy those day-laborers over there.
Yeah, they have to huff pesticides and shovel manure all day, but at least on Sunday they get to watch football.
What do we do? I don't know, man.
I can't shake him.
I can't shake Sofia, either.
Unless you thinking what I'm thinking? Double friend-off.
Double friend-off? Watch.
Look-- it's a double pick play.
Here's me.
Ten yards out.
There's Lane.
Cut right, buttonhook back.
You.
I want you to go in motion at the blue flowers, okay? Now, Sofia's gonna be on you.
Serious pressure.
All you got to do, zigzag, cut right, gonna shake and bake, do your thing.
Cut off Sofia.
There we are.
Got it? All right, we only get one shot at this.
Break! Hey.
Whoa! Come see me.
Baby.
Let's go this way.
Hey, honey.
Whoa, whoa.
Do you see these lovely whites right here? No, come this way.
You're gonna love these.
See, these over here, I find these to be incredibly intelligent.
I'm just having such a great day with you here.
Oh! Pete.
Ruxin? What's up, man? This is crazy.
What are you guys doing here? We're flower shopping.
Oh.
Oh, Sofia, have you met my friend Lane? Lane, this is my wife Sofia.
She loves orchids.
Enchanté.
Well, that's crazy because Lane has a very adventurous color palette.
I experience color very vividly, like a deaf person.
Wow, that's amazing.
Rodney thought these were chrysanthemums.
Yeah.
And begonias are the same as edelweiss.
Wow, um, maybe you can help me pick out some orchids? Are you looking for something more brash or apologetic? I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe a little bit of both? Okay.
Shops are my specialty.
Yeah? I've been called the "girl talk" of the floral world.
I like that.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Hey, guys, can we watch? Watching football, yeah? Yeah.
I've actually encountered some of these orchids in the wild.
I spent some time on the Amazon River.
Wow.
Some of the natives down there have never even seen turntables, so I took out my ones and twos, and I performed for them.
Wow! Oh, my God, I can't wait to tell Rodney that story.
Where'd he go? What are you even doing with that guy? I mean, you're like an orchid, and he's like a a little Jewish weed.
I can say that because I'm Jewish.
I attend Episcopalian services, but ironically He's going, he's going in! He's going in! What's going on? We're going to work.
All-time greatest friend-off! No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
So I'm in Chalupa Batman's crib because the root of all my problems stem from my childhood? No.
There's only one chair in here-- and I wanted to see if the crib could withstand the weight of an adult male.
Looks like I got a new bed in a couple of years.
You know, I get no respect, Taco.
You get more respect than I do.
I'm a real doctor.
You've been doing this for how long? One week, part-time.
I'm surprised that by now you haven't accepted the friend-off.
All those guys downstairs have attempted it multiple times.
Really? I mean, they they just kind of like tolerate me.
The monitor's on upstairs.
So, what, I'm just like the hot girl's fat friend? Well, they compare it more to living with herpes.
Hence the nickname, "Flare.
" No, no, that's a good thing.
Remember, like like, I got flair, like that cool pen.
Why would he think that? That pen is lame.
I need to get respect for myself.
I mean, no one likes me.
No one likes you.
Yes, that's true.
Well, what am I going to do? I'm in a terrible place emotionally.
Should we not be listening to this? Yeah, let's turn this off.
Wait, that was rhetorical.
It's manifesting itself all over.
I have pubic alopecia.
Oh, my God.
Whoa.
So, you're completely bald down there? Not completely.
More like Matt Lauer like a year ago.
Kind of like Gene Shalit's face.
You know, just clumps.
Oh, my God.
He looks like a stray pubic dog.
I'm going to stop you right there.
It is not uncommon in my therapy sessions for me to zone out, so I'm going to do that right now, but feel free to keep talking, even if I start snoring.
I've also been experiencing masturbation impotence.
And I'm back.
Oh, my God! He's rubbing out blanks.
You mean, after six rounds, the cobra's no longer shooting venom? No, I don't even get to the first round.
I don't even make it into the ring.
It's like his dick knows that the hand belongs to Andre, and can't get hard for him.
Just get this odd, chubby mass.
A wet spaghetti noodle.
It looks like the Shmoo.
Just flopping around.
You know, and I tried really hard to, like, make something happen, you know.
Uh-huh.
It did, but what came out was clear, and it tasted like vinegar.
I have a sample if you want to look at it.
Interesting.
Hello, message board.
Stop, this is the great thing that we can never ever mention.
Oh, God, it's an unmentionable.
To not talk about this is going to be so hard.
Oh, no, it's not.
No, see, you can't do that.
I mean, this is just going to open up the floodgates.
No, no floodgates are being opened.
It works so many ways.
It's a river of puns.
It's unending.
You can't bring it up.
Yes, he can't bring it up.
Ruxin, you have to stop.
You want to tell a bird not to fly? Unmentionable.
I'm with Kevin on this.
Fine.
Hey, what's going on? Okay, come here.
Andre and Taco on the baby monitor upstairs.
Unbelievable No, see, we should just shut this right off because, you know, it's fake doctor/patient confidentiality, and shut it off.
Jenny, what are you talking about? They don't know that we can hear what they're saying.
This is incredible.
I know, that's why we should shut it off because they don't know that we can hear them.
Oh, exactly.
They don't know we're listening, just like, perhaps, I didn't know someone else was listening when I was discussing trading RGIII with Ruxin.
He didn't have to trade him to me.
Are you kidding me? I refuse to be a pawn in your psychosexual chess match.
Wait a minute, you don't even need quarterbacks.
He sat on your bench.
I'm playing you next week, and our records were so close.
I just needed you to lose a few.
Oh, this is low.
I'm sorry.
Guys, your marriage is working worse than Andre's dick.
Ruxin.
Andre has masturbation impotence.
Unmentionable.
Unmentionable! Are you serious? Yes, but listen, we're not talking about it, we're not discussing it, just like we're not discussing what just happened here.
Bye.
Wow.
Andre's not doing well.
In all my week as an unlicensed, illegally practicing therapist, I have never seen someone so depressed.
Is there anything we can do? Yes, actually.
Yes, there is.
I'd like to thank you all for coming to therapy today.
Before we get started, I would like to discuss the uncomfortable matter of my fee.
I think we're all very comfortable that there will be no fee, yeah.
Oh, Andre.
Thanks for joining us.
Hello, "friends.
" Now, Andre, would you like to go around the room and express your emotions in the form of a hug? No, I'm not gonna hug them.
I'm angry at them.
Well, then, give them angry hugs.
All right.
I love you, but I'm angry at you.
No, all of us? I love you, but I'm mad at you.
Oh, you're sweating on me.
All right, two out of four-- that's good.
Yeah, we get the idea.
Doesn't it feel good? Kind of did.
For our first exercise, I'm going to pull out Andre's inner voice.
A sock puppet? Yes, you're going to take this pin, and you're going to pinpoint where everyone in this room hurt you.
Hello, everyone.
What voice is this? That's my inner voice.
It's a Frenchman.
You guys all know my favorite place in the world is France.
Have you been? No.
Andre, we don't need to hear the backstory of your sock puppet; just go.
Okay, fine.
Pete, you really Andre, your lips are moving.
Look, I've never done ventriloquism before.
All right, if you'd give me a marionette, I would have no problem doing it, okay? Andre, we went to your Level It stunk.
Want me not to do a voice? Yeah, just do your own voice.
Okay, I'm going to show you where you all hurt me.
Jenny, you hurt me here.
In your butt? Not my butt.
There's no the puppet doesn't have a butt; it's his back.
You stabbed me in the back.
Well, get used to that because she stabs everyone in the back at some point.
No, it was a valid trade! If I did that to you, you Guys, guys, guys, please! Your loveless marriage is not the issue today.
Let's please try to focus on a problem that we can actually solve.
Yes, thank you.
This next exercise is an honesty exercise.
Now, Andre, please put on the pride helmet, and now everyone's going to get a shot at hitting you with the truth hammer.
Yes.
Oh, I'm going first.
You cannot! You cannot.
No, no, no, no, no.
Okay, look, I don't need a hammer or a helmet or this sock puppet to tell you guys how I feel.
I know you think that I'm, like, this hard guy, but I'm actually really soft, and lately, things have been rubbing me the wrong way.
And it's really frustrating when I can't come to you Oh, my God.
to express myself, okay? This is great.
This is why therapy is beneficial.
Andre's in a stiff situation, you guys.
That's not what I heard.
Ruxin, don't.
No, this is good.
Don't hold back.
Well, if we were holding back, Andre would yank it out.
Look, I just want to be able to unload.
Yes, Andre, unload.
Release release everything.
You can't, 'cause you're rubbing out blanks.
What are you what You're cupping mud.
You have masturbation impotence.
That's good.
This is good.
Now we're communicating.
This is great.
Who the hell are you people? What are you doing here? Oh, we were just making fun of Andre's masturbation impotence.
My father's only been dead for two weeks, and already there are squatters here? Taco, you said you rented this place.
I believe the words I used were "moved in.
" Oh, God.
I'm calling the police.
What? No, no, no, no, no, no.
Hello? There is a group of perverts here, and they broke into my dead father's apartment.
Okay, okay.
We need to get out of here.
I'll bill you guys later.
We got to go! We got to get out of here! Move, move, move, move, move! - Come on, get out of here.
- Shit! - I'm feeling a little bit better.
- We've got a breakthrough.
A breakthrough!
I got to do an album.
They don't want to fall behind on the road in this hostile environment with this noisy crowd, and to play with the league, they want to be balanced.
They've been excellent at running the football and throwing it-- almost 200 yards in each category.
Hi.
Hi.
I was just using this fork to comb my hair? You look beautiful.
You want to maybe get a little exercise? Little exercise? Little cardio? Hmm, yeah, I could do some cardio.
I freaked out.
My wife has completely changed her pubic configuration.
She went from the pizza slice straight up to a breadstick.
She's relandscaping the whole front yard for resale.
She is going to leave me.
I-I can feel it.
I don't know what the issue is.
She's not complaining.
What's the big deal? out of my wife's mouth are complaints, and now all is quiet on the Ruxin front-- too quiet.
She is souring on this marriage, and can you blame her? She looks like she belongs on a beer poster, and I look like the guy who makes you answer riddles before you cross a bridge.
Could it just be that she loves you for your quirks and that maybe-- just maybe-- she's happy? No, my wife is too smart to be happy.
I think it's more possible that she's happy than smart.
Oh, you guys want proof? She has switched from yoga to Pilates.
Oh.
Ooh.
So she wants to be healthier and more attractive, and that's bad? Andre, yoga is communist cardio, and Pilates is free-market capitalism.
She is deregulating that body so that corporations can come in and just go to town on that puss.
Everybody knows that the sole purpose for Pilates is to get the muscles ready just to be pounded on by dudes.
Uh, hello, I took Pilates.
Exactly, case in point.
What? I've never been pounded on by dudes.
Define "never.
" You know what? If I did make that choice, I would hope that you would support me-- all of you.
Of course we would support you.
We would support your head while dudes just dumped loads into the back of your throat-- gah! Place is pretty awesome.
I think you're going to like it.
Cool.
Who's Dr.
Robert Melvoy? Oh, he's some psychologist who used to live here.
Check it out.
Taco, this is really nice.
How'd you find this place? Oh, I was reading the obituaries, and I found out that Dr.
Melvoy died in here.
He died in here? Yeah, they didn't find his body for about a week.
It brought the price down.
Where did he die? Uh, judging from the death stain, probably exactly where you're sitting.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
I love this place.
It is awesome.
It's right down the street from the dog-grooming van where I get my hair cut, and I don't need Wi-Fi because my neighbors have sex all the time and I can see them.
It's getting a little redundant, though.
Unless they introduce a toy or a third person, I'll probably have to steal someone's cable.
So, Ruxin, I heard through the message board that one of your quarterbacks might soon be on the trading block.
I got an embarrassment of riches-- RGIII and Stafford-- but my defenses are looking weaker than a drunk, single girl in her 30s at her little sister's wedding.
I want one of those quarterbacks.
Oh, shit, Lane's here.
If he comes over, he's just going to latch on to me the entire night.
He is an intolerable douchebag.
Yeah, how did he latch on to you? I'm at this party with a friend of mine, Lane walks up to us, starts just dropping douche bombs all over the place, like, "Did you know that surf music is the American flamenco?" Ugh.
It's horrible, and my friend's like, "Hey, let me buy you guys some drinks," all happy.
He bolts and ditches me with Lane.
Ah, you got friend-offed.
Exactly, a friend-off's like a handoff.
You got to put that foot down, you got to make that turn and cut, and you got to go for daylight before you get covered in a sweaty pile of undesirable dude.
Oh, come on, don't even.
Pete.
Huh-- Lane.
I thought it was you.
Unbelievable-- come here.
Unbelievable.
I have been trying to get in touch with you.
I've called you and e-mailed you.
You probably thought I was still in South America.
I was hoping so.
When I say "merengue," what are the first three words that come into your head? Must leave now? I understand why you'd say that; conditions are grim.
There were days when I couldn't even find clean water for my neti pot.
Wow.
Yeah, it was better than Haiti, though.
I went down to Haiti after the earthquake to deejay for the villagers.
I mean, gratis, no charge.
Hey, where is everybody? Andre, oh, my God, it is so amazing to see you.
Really? All right.
Come here, I haven't seen you in forever.
What's going on? I want to introduce you to Lane.
Lane, this is Andre.
Hey, all right.
Andre, we were just talking about deejaying in Haiti.
Oh, my God, I so want to do that.
I feel like that's the best way to give back to everyone down there.
This is gonna be a great night.
I'm gonna go to the restroom real quick and I'll be right back, and you guys chill out.
Okay.
Wow, so you How do you get into that DJ scene? 'Cause that's something that I have been dying to do, but I feel like a lot of it is politics.
So what's your DJ name? Little Miss Spin.
Haven't men taken enough from women already without taking "miss"? Oh, n-no, no, no, no, it's, it's ironic.
How so? I, I don't, I don't know.
Always know how you're being ironic.
That's a good rule.
Text that to myself.
Look at this.
All right.
Hmm.
Listening with Compassion.
Hey, dead guy, where are you hiding your weed? Come in.
Oh, I'm sorry, I was, uh, looking for Dr.
Melvoy.
He's no longer here.
I'm here now.
Oh, he didn't tell me anything about that.
He probably told you, I'm dealing with a lot of abandonment issues.
And how does that make you feel? I've tried some different diets, and, um Didn't work.
No.
Here's a course of action I'd like to propose.
For every pound that you lose, I will have sexual intercourse with you one time.
Really? Mm-hmm, and I'll throw in a freebie right now just to let you know what you're going to get.
I can't quit, I can't quit.
Let me tell you what you're going to do.
Every time you feel like taking drugs or taking a drink, you're going to bring it here and we're going to share it.
Slowly I'll take more and more, tapering you off until finally I'm doing all your drugs and alcohol for you.
Now, don't be stingy with that weed.
Yeah, come to Papa.
Oh, this is some good shit.
I hate school.
I get bullied every day.
I wish I didn't have to go.
You're going to go to school, but this is what you're going to do: you're going to bring this gun with you.
Check it out.
Chamber's empty, but they don't know that.
What you do is, you put it in your waistband like this.
When they come at you, just lift your T-shirt-- not too high, though, or else they're going to see those bitch tits of yours.
You hear me? Where'd you go the other night? Sorry, I didn't mean to ditch you, but I just could not bear to be around Lane any longer.
I had to do it.
You must have wanted to gnaw your arm off to get away from that guy.
No, he, like, left a couple seconds after you disappeared.
What do you mean? He didn't talk your ear off about how rockabilly is the klezmer music of the red states? No, he just kind of took off right after you.
Ah, he usually gloms on to any conversation he can get his mitts on.
No, no glomming.
Oh, shit, I fumbled the friend-off.
What's a friend-off? I'm stuck with him now.
Hey, Taco.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey, hey, no, no, no, no, no, absolutely not.
We're brothers-- it's weird if I don't sit on your lap.
Get yourself a chair.
Hey, Taco, how's the therapy practice? It is going awesome.
Helping people with their stupid brain problems is super easy.
I'm impressed.
Why are you guys impressed with him? I went to med school.
I'm a doctor.
He didn't even finish high school.
Well, that's precisely why we're impressed.
He's over-performing.
He's like the fat kid in Rudy.
Mm-mm.
Turns out he wasn't just a fat kid; he was a hobbit.
That's why he was so good at football.
You don't even know what you're doing.
Mmm.
It makes you anxious when things don't fit in your neat little boxes, doesn't it, Andre? Stop.
Let's explore that.
No, we're not exploring anything.
Are you smoking weed out of that pipe? No.
I'm smoking weed out of the bong I built inside of the pipe.
That's right: I turned this into a marijuana-smoking device.
That's the kind of mind you're dealing with here.
All right, I figured it out.
Anchor baby.
What? I need to convince Sofia to have another child with me.
'Cause then she's pregnant for a year, she's out of commission.
Then she's feeling maternal and unattractive for another year-- out of commission.
If she looks at the cost-benefit analysis of leaving me, it's too risky of a move.
That is a beautiful plan you have worked out.
Yeah, I think if I put another baby in her, it'll really crush her spirit-- kind of like Kevin did to Jenny.
I did not crush Jenny's spirit.
Kevin, you are a soul-crushing ninja.
I mean, you've convinced all of us to hang out with you, and we're not even the depository for your rancid seed.
Okay.
Well, most of us.
You two are clearly in love.
Let's talk about this.
Ruxin, let's talk trade.
I don't have a lot of time.
I'm putting baby Christopher to sleep.
Where do you put Chalupa Batman to bed, in the pantry or the freezer section? You know, it's not funny.
Listen, you have RGIII, and I could really use a great quarterback.
I'm not even thinking about football right now.
I want to ask Sofia about the anchor baby, but I really only get one shot 'cause if she says no, I'm totally screwed.
So I feel like I'm constantly, you know, beating around the shaved bush.
Okay, Ruxin, focus here.
Here's my offer.
The San Francisco 49ers defense.
That is a top-tier, #1 starting defense.
I'm willing to part with it for RGIII.
What? Okay, all right, fine.
I'll give you the San Francisco defense and No, no, no.
That's not how this is going to go down.
Giants offense.
That's big, Ruxin.
That's not bad.
Yeah, I could do that deal.
Really? Great, okay.
Do not trade RGIII.
This is the kind of thing where everybody wins.
So, just go to the computer and type it up, send it over to me and I'll approve it, and you should have our players by the weekend.
You know what, I don't think I can do the deal anymore, buddy.
What? You don't want to do the trade? We just had Yes, I am.
I am stone-cold! Yeah, no deal.
Sorry, dude.
Sucks to be you.
Peace.
Are you kidding me, Ruxin? Hello? What happened? How are my sweet boys doing? You okay? Yeah.
Is his onesie on backwards? I don't know, I don't know if it's on backwards.
He's gonna piss through it in an hour anyway.
Okay.
Christopher, can you say "RGIII"? It's like Terrific Lady Day again.
Yeah.
No better way to spend a Sunday than just looking at flowers.
Look at this.
This is so amazing! Oh, my God, it's so vibrant! I could stare at this all day.
Yeah, and I could stand next to you while you do it.
Some guys get squeamish about flower shopping with another dude, but don't worry, I'm confidently heterosexual.
I got all the gay stuff out of my system during my Semester at Sea.
Great.
Thank you, Lane.
Tiger orchid! Yeah, I-I'll be right there.
Hey, babe, I'm gonna look at the other orchids.
Okay.
What are you doing here? I'm trying to ditch Lane and bore him, but the guy's un-boreable.
Well, I'm on a Terrific Lady nightmare with Sofia.
I envy those day-laborers over there.
Yeah, they have to huff pesticides and shovel manure all day, but at least on Sunday they get to watch football.
What do we do? I don't know, man.
I can't shake him.
I can't shake Sofia, either.
Unless you thinking what I'm thinking? Double friend-off.
Double friend-off? Watch.
Look-- it's a double pick play.
Here's me.
Ten yards out.
There's Lane.
Cut right, buttonhook back.
You.
I want you to go in motion at the blue flowers, okay? Now, Sofia's gonna be on you.
Serious pressure.
All you got to do, zigzag, cut right, gonna shake and bake, do your thing.
Cut off Sofia.
There we are.
Got it? All right, we only get one shot at this.
Break! Hey.
Whoa! Come see me.
Baby.
Let's go this way.
Hey, honey.
Whoa, whoa.
Do you see these lovely whites right here? No, come this way.
You're gonna love these.
See, these over here, I find these to be incredibly intelligent.
I'm just having such a great day with you here.
Oh! Pete.
Ruxin? What's up, man? This is crazy.
What are you guys doing here? We're flower shopping.
Oh.
Oh, Sofia, have you met my friend Lane? Lane, this is my wife Sofia.
She loves orchids.
Enchanté.
Well, that's crazy because Lane has a very adventurous color palette.
I experience color very vividly, like a deaf person.
Wow, that's amazing.
Rodney thought these were chrysanthemums.
Yeah.
And begonias are the same as edelweiss.
Wow, um, maybe you can help me pick out some orchids? Are you looking for something more brash or apologetic? I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe a little bit of both? Okay.
Shops are my specialty.
Yeah? I've been called the "girl talk" of the floral world.
I like that.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Hey, guys, can we watch? Watching football, yeah? Yeah.
I've actually encountered some of these orchids in the wild.
I spent some time on the Amazon River.
Wow.
Some of the natives down there have never even seen turntables, so I took out my ones and twos, and I performed for them.
Wow! Oh, my God, I can't wait to tell Rodney that story.
Where'd he go? What are you even doing with that guy? I mean, you're like an orchid, and he's like a a little Jewish weed.
I can say that because I'm Jewish.
I attend Episcopalian services, but ironically He's going, he's going in! He's going in! What's going on? We're going to work.
All-time greatest friend-off! No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
So I'm in Chalupa Batman's crib because the root of all my problems stem from my childhood? No.
There's only one chair in here-- and I wanted to see if the crib could withstand the weight of an adult male.
Looks like I got a new bed in a couple of years.
You know, I get no respect, Taco.
You get more respect than I do.
I'm a real doctor.
You've been doing this for how long? One week, part-time.
I'm surprised that by now you haven't accepted the friend-off.
All those guys downstairs have attempted it multiple times.
Really? I mean, they they just kind of like tolerate me.
The monitor's on upstairs.
So, what, I'm just like the hot girl's fat friend? Well, they compare it more to living with herpes.
Hence the nickname, "Flare.
" No, no, that's a good thing.
Remember, like like, I got flair, like that cool pen.
Why would he think that? That pen is lame.
I need to get respect for myself.
I mean, no one likes me.
No one likes you.
Yes, that's true.
Well, what am I going to do? I'm in a terrible place emotionally.
Should we not be listening to this? Yeah, let's turn this off.
Wait, that was rhetorical.
It's manifesting itself all over.
I have pubic alopecia.
Oh, my God.
Whoa.
So, you're completely bald down there? Not completely.
More like Matt Lauer like a year ago.
Kind of like Gene Shalit's face.
You know, just clumps.
Oh, my God.
He looks like a stray pubic dog.
I'm going to stop you right there.
It is not uncommon in my therapy sessions for me to zone out, so I'm going to do that right now, but feel free to keep talking, even if I start snoring.
I've also been experiencing masturbation impotence.
And I'm back.
Oh, my God! He's rubbing out blanks.
You mean, after six rounds, the cobra's no longer shooting venom? No, I don't even get to the first round.
I don't even make it into the ring.
It's like his dick knows that the hand belongs to Andre, and can't get hard for him.
Just get this odd, chubby mass.
A wet spaghetti noodle.
It looks like the Shmoo.
Just flopping around.
You know, and I tried really hard to, like, make something happen, you know.
Uh-huh.
It did, but what came out was clear, and it tasted like vinegar.
I have a sample if you want to look at it.
Interesting.
Hello, message board.
Stop, this is the great thing that we can never ever mention.
Oh, God, it's an unmentionable.
To not talk about this is going to be so hard.
Oh, no, it's not.
No, see, you can't do that.
I mean, this is just going to open up the floodgates.
No, no floodgates are being opened.
It works so many ways.
It's a river of puns.
It's unending.
You can't bring it up.
Yes, he can't bring it up.
Ruxin, you have to stop.
You want to tell a bird not to fly? Unmentionable.
I'm with Kevin on this.
Fine.
Hey, what's going on? Okay, come here.
Andre and Taco on the baby monitor upstairs.
Unbelievable No, see, we should just shut this right off because, you know, it's fake doctor/patient confidentiality, and shut it off.
Jenny, what are you talking about? They don't know that we can hear what they're saying.
This is incredible.
I know, that's why we should shut it off because they don't know that we can hear them.
Oh, exactly.
They don't know we're listening, just like, perhaps, I didn't know someone else was listening when I was discussing trading RGIII with Ruxin.
He didn't have to trade him to me.
Are you kidding me? I refuse to be a pawn in your psychosexual chess match.
Wait a minute, you don't even need quarterbacks.
He sat on your bench.
I'm playing you next week, and our records were so close.
I just needed you to lose a few.
Oh, this is low.
I'm sorry.
Guys, your marriage is working worse than Andre's dick.
Ruxin.
Andre has masturbation impotence.
Unmentionable.
Unmentionable! Are you serious? Yes, but listen, we're not talking about it, we're not discussing it, just like we're not discussing what just happened here.
Bye.
Wow.
Andre's not doing well.
In all my week as an unlicensed, illegally practicing therapist, I have never seen someone so depressed.
Is there anything we can do? Yes, actually.
Yes, there is.
I'd like to thank you all for coming to therapy today.
Before we get started, I would like to discuss the uncomfortable matter of my fee.
I think we're all very comfortable that there will be no fee, yeah.
Oh, Andre.
Thanks for joining us.
Hello, "friends.
" Now, Andre, would you like to go around the room and express your emotions in the form of a hug? No, I'm not gonna hug them.
I'm angry at them.
Well, then, give them angry hugs.
All right.
I love you, but I'm angry at you.
No, all of us? I love you, but I'm mad at you.
Oh, you're sweating on me.
All right, two out of four-- that's good.
Yeah, we get the idea.
Doesn't it feel good? Kind of did.
For our first exercise, I'm going to pull out Andre's inner voice.
A sock puppet? Yes, you're going to take this pin, and you're going to pinpoint where everyone in this room hurt you.
Hello, everyone.
What voice is this? That's my inner voice.
It's a Frenchman.
You guys all know my favorite place in the world is France.
Have you been? No.
Andre, we don't need to hear the backstory of your sock puppet; just go.
Okay, fine.
Pete, you really Andre, your lips are moving.
Look, I've never done ventriloquism before.
All right, if you'd give me a marionette, I would have no problem doing it, okay? Andre, we went to your Level It stunk.
Want me not to do a voice? Yeah, just do your own voice.
Okay, I'm going to show you where you all hurt me.
Jenny, you hurt me here.
In your butt? Not my butt.
There's no the puppet doesn't have a butt; it's his back.
You stabbed me in the back.
Well, get used to that because she stabs everyone in the back at some point.
No, it was a valid trade! If I did that to you, you Guys, guys, guys, please! Your loveless marriage is not the issue today.
Let's please try to focus on a problem that we can actually solve.
Yes, thank you.
This next exercise is an honesty exercise.
Now, Andre, please put on the pride helmet, and now everyone's going to get a shot at hitting you with the truth hammer.
Yes.
Oh, I'm going first.
You cannot! You cannot.
No, no, no, no, no.
Okay, look, I don't need a hammer or a helmet or this sock puppet to tell you guys how I feel.
I know you think that I'm, like, this hard guy, but I'm actually really soft, and lately, things have been rubbing me the wrong way.
And it's really frustrating when I can't come to you Oh, my God.
to express myself, okay? This is great.
This is why therapy is beneficial.
Andre's in a stiff situation, you guys.
That's not what I heard.
Ruxin, don't.
No, this is good.
Don't hold back.
Well, if we were holding back, Andre would yank it out.
Look, I just want to be able to unload.
Yes, Andre, unload.
Release release everything.
You can't, 'cause you're rubbing out blanks.
What are you what You're cupping mud.
You have masturbation impotence.
That's good.
This is good.
Now we're communicating.
This is great.
Who the hell are you people? What are you doing here? Oh, we were just making fun of Andre's masturbation impotence.
My father's only been dead for two weeks, and already there are squatters here? Taco, you said you rented this place.
I believe the words I used were "moved in.
" Oh, God.
I'm calling the police.
What? No, no, no, no, no, no.
Hello? There is a group of perverts here, and they broke into my dead father's apartment.
Okay, okay.
We need to get out of here.
I'll bill you guys later.
We got to go! We got to get out of here! Move, move, move, move, move! - Come on, get out of here.
- Shit! - I'm feeling a little bit better.
- We've got a breakthrough.
A breakthrough!