The Venture Bros (2003) s04e08 Episode Script

So, do you get to talk to Rasputin and James Doohan? Yeah, totally.
Yeah, but you don't really have a body.
Then you can't have sex again? Like we were getting laid all the time.
And with no sex comes no rejection.
You don't miss sex because you're like omniscient.
Seriously, ask me any question.
Okay, what's the meaning of life? The color 12.
- Really? - No, idiot.
Ask me something less Hitchhikers Guide, dork.
- Do we have souls? - Yeah.
Uh, not quite souls, but that's the general idea.
Everything has a soul.
Crap! So, I guess I should become a vegetarian? No, like, everything living has a soul.
Even spinach.
You can't win.
Oh, so that's a problem.
Here's something.
You know how people cry about aborting babies because of their soul? Turns out you don't get a soul until you're, like, one.
So weird.
One, really? Or maybe six months, I forget.
Either way, you're just this little crying, pooing, monster blob till you get your soul.
That's amazing.
I should tell everybody.
People need to know about this.
Oh, definitely! Maybe you should write it down on a golden plate, or maybe get some aviators and a compound in Guyana.
Yeah, I get it.
Dude, I barely believe you're real.
I mean, if there were ghosts, they'd be freakin' everywhere.
Yeah, not necessarily.
You can only haunt something you were close to.
In life.
And you chose me? Out of everything, you chose me? Well, before you get all teary-eyed, I could only choose between you and a cocoon that is constantly getting blown up.
- Still, you could've -- - Or Beth Seaton.
Yeah, but she's not 15 anymore, so she doesn't like me.
That way.
I told you that I wanted you in the Monarch mobile, fully suited up by noon.
It's noon fifteen! Oh, dude, I'm sorry I was just -- just working on my model of Blackbeard's pirate skull.
Sure you were.
Just get suited up.
We can't be late.
He even pasted her face on a bunch of soft core pictures.
Shut up! That is so not true! Oh, it's true.
"Alas, poor Yorick" crap off.
Look on his computer in the folder labeled "special software.
" There's tons of them.
Okay, whatever! Get it together.
We're about to make villain history here, 21.
I need you onboard.
After today, we will walk up to Venture's front door and explain that I win, and he loses.
Okay, I'll be right there.
He stole your wife's bra from the hamper! Uh, geez, this place reeks.
What's this guy doing in there? The "guy" is Dr.
Peter Schumpmaker.
Lord knows what a schump is, but you can bet your bippy his ancestors made them.
What he's doing is far worse than crafting fine schumps.
Key.
So, he's another arms trader? You wish.
This guy is making a stink bomb.
Is that like a dirty bomb? No, really.
Seriously, stink bomb.
Like a stink bomb.
You want this? There's a free pinky ring there.
Stink bomb? Who cares? What the hell are we doing here? Shouldn't we wait till recess when all the other kids can help us give him a wedgie? This is serious.
You ever notice that gunpowder smells like rotten eggs and fart? Hmm? You ever think about that? Farts? No, not unless somebody actually farts.
Well, that's sulfur.
It's one of the primary odors.
Oh, yeah, cutting edge olfactory science.
And our little Dr.
Schumpmaker here has found a volatile combination of these fine odors.
Ta-da! Deadly stink bomb.
That must be why this place stinks.
Or maybe it's just the other key.
You can lose that.
It's a combination print lock.
So, what's the plan? What? We do it like all the others.
I make a fun little diversion and you come in and wham! Brockness monster on 'em.
Okay, it's open.
Signal me.
Oh there's a ladder right there.
Oh, yeah, that's a lot of fun! Oh! I'm sorry.
Thought this was the bathroom.
What with that tangy odor I'm enjoying.
I was in the neighborhood shopping, and I can't find a Starbucks -- What are you guys waiting for? Okay, we'll mix it up.
But no tummy punches, I really do gotta pee.
Boom! That's right! This is all happening! Cannot change the channel now! Sweetie, you almost hit that antenna thing.
Can you fly higher? Last time we did that we were chased by jets.
And we ended up on an episode of UFO Hunters.
We should have just drove here.
That's for chumps.
I'm gonna arrive in style! Show this Monstroso clown I mean flying car business.
That's the place! Just put it down on the heliport.
Who sent you? Any beans you wish to spill before you die? I believe that's customary.
Love to! I'm an agent of S.
P.
H.
I.
N.
X.
! When super scientists, lawbreaking baddies and whatnot refuse to get a Guild license and play all nice nice, you deal with us S.
P.
H.
I.
N.
X.
! Are you serious? This is all because I don't have a costume? Well, you're oversimplifying it, aren't you? You're not gonna get killed for your lack of fashion pizazz.
No, you're gonna die because you're a dangerous nut.
So I'm going to be killed? Yep.
And I suppose, what, my men will just fall down dead and I'll suddenly not want to pull this trigger? Mm-hmm.
See? If you could pull that trigger, you totally wouldn't wanna.
Gentlemen, veil yourselves.
This is Guild business.
Monstroso! Looking tall.
Monarch, always a pleasure.
What's with the extra muscle? And this feisty little beetle must be henchman 21.
These are my associates.
Mammoth Corp is a legitimately traded business.
Mostly.
These men are harmless.
Cigar? I don't smoke.
Well, I do.
Have a seat, gentlemen.
Look, I got my wife doing circles around this place wasting jet fuel.
Can we get down to it? - But, of course.
Well, I've reviewed your request and there is something we could do that would completely cripple Venture and leave you in possession of all his assets.
Sweet! So let's go with my plan to cover his compound in sticky hot sugar! Leaving him and his family to be devoured by ants! And those little ones -- You mean gnats? No.
- Chiggers? - Chiggers! No, that plan was stupid.
My plan is clean, elegant, classic.
We take him down as one would take down a mafia don.
Cigar? - No.
So then we're going with my plan to just put him in a bag and beat him with a rake? No, that was also stupid.
What we will do is give him a deep, bureaucratic, paper cut.
Cigar? No, still don't smoke.
So, where do I sign? Yeah, I'm thinking what's in it for Monstroso? Why doesn't the big man just cut out the little Monarch and keep all the goodies for himself? The guy behind you has a gun in his right pocket, and the guy behind the Monarch has an ether soaked hanky.
And you put your underwear on inside out again.
Keyaii! Suck it! Pwned! Ether.
No, that one just had snot on it.
But he did have another.
Well, it seems I have my answer.
I'll ready the papers.
Cigar? Yes, fine! Give me a fucking cigar! Gah! Come on, Venture! How dare you! You, sir, can powder your own ruddy bottom.
Why, yes! You do deserve a good spanking, in fact.
Venture, you gotta get your own screen name! Who's "Little Boy Pink"? He has a potty mouth, let me tell ya.
That guy is, like, It's just role playing.
It's healthy! Using your -- what are you doing in here? Checking my electronic mailbox.
Yeah, I'd do it on my computer, but the Commodore 64 gets kinda buggy with the cradle modem that -- well, it's all very technical.
Yeah, technical.
I was gonna say boring.
Well, aren't I popular.
Sexy singles wanna meet me.
College girls twins.
Twin coeds.
Yeah, I wouldn't answer those.
Fans of my show, obviously.
Don't wanna encourage them.
What's this? If it's a Nigerian prince asking you to take $12 million, he never sends it.
And then you have to explain to your wife, who leaves you, for other reasons.
You're kidding me?! No! I mean, the guy seemed on the up and up.
Poor kid couldn't get to his money.
Not that! I'm being slammed for a zoning violation.
It seems my idiot grandfather zoned my estate for "the care and upkeep of American rightness and the active defense of her civil needs.
" What does that mean? Uh, according to this, it means that I must have 3/4 of my estate do-gooding or I lose my property to whatever the Mammoth Corporation is.
Geesh, what are we gonna do? Well, I'm gonna start by kicking the Johnson family out of the missile silo.
And I'm also pretty sure that those guys in the old propulsion research lab are cooking meth.
It's a shame.
They always pay their rent on time.
Damn it, Shoreleave, you ruined another outfit.
Think Betsy Ross works here? I'm the one who has to sew this back together, you clown! What are you laughing about, "Mr.
Bloodstains on Everything"? You know that he just rips those himself.
He just tears it off like a Chippendales' fireman.
Every time.
Good God, why? For one, because it looks super cool.
You're an infant! How's the bath working? No idea.
We're used to it.
You tell us.
Sorry boys, you smell like tomato and crap soup.
Hunter, this just came in on the telex.
So what! The man-shaped mountain does that all the time.
Read what he's taking over.
Stop playing Jimmy Olsen and just tell me.
Mmm, not in front of you know, him.
What? What's being taken over? Nothing.
The boy has Tourette's syndrome or something.
Uh, right.
Whoop! Pickled penis! Pickled penis! My underwear is on fire.
It's tragic.
Not a damned thing you can do about it.
- Whoop! - Poor bastard.
I thought you were doing your big "I'll get you, Dr.
Venture" thing today? This is it.
I'm arching.
This is my big plan.
Check it out.
Well, uh, what did I miss? Let me see, uh well, 36 asked if I thought that Leonard Maltin had had work done.
And I said, "have you seen Mickey Rourke?" Yeah, he looks like he was made by a cobbler.
He does! So exciting, huh? Wooo! I'm having Monstroso attack Venture with paperwork! Weee! Monstroso! That's what this is about?! He's king of the double cross.
I mean, think about it.
He's a lawyer and a super villain.
That's like a shark with a grenade launcher on its head.
She's right! Monstroso's planning on seizing all of Venture's property and yours! - How do you know that? - It's all right here.
I lifted a Blackberry off one of his henchmen.
It had every access code and password.
So apparently you signed away all your rights as Venture's primary arch to Monstroso.
What? That dick! I will kill him! He's right.
It's all here.
Nice job, 21.
I'm impressed.
Dude, that was so great! She was just smooshing them in there.
- I know! - You know what? Uh, I know what I have to do.
We don't need much room for what we do, and that's why we can't pay that much because we don't do that much.
We actually don't do anything.
I'll cut you a break.
I just need to have at least allotted to community vigilance and safeguarding rightness.
What does that even mean? It means that Quizboy and the Pink Phantom have arrived.
High five! Yep, welcome to the world of super science, action and adventure.
Rules! Will somebody hit this? I'm hanging here.
Come on, Rusty, you know we can't get the super scientist community to take us seriously.
You guys are ready.
It's easy.
You park a hovercraft in there, and once a month you go to a soup kitchen and lance boils off homeless guys.
You don't need costumes or anything.
Oh, yes we do! Well, this is it.
It isn't so impressive on the outside, but I think you'll be impressed with the inside.
Just needs a little bit of -- What the fuck!? It's perfect! Where do I sign? Um, I know I'm not really up on this confusing crap, but isn't S.
P.
H.
I.
N.
X.
the bad guys? They were, but we annihilated the real S.
P.
H.
I.
N.
X.
in the Pyramid Wars of '87.
So, when we went rogue, we just went -- "Hey, why don't we use these fresh costumes, and all this sweet Egypt-themed equipment we captured.
" You guys aren't with the O.
S.
I.
Anymore? Hell no, son.
We all joined the O.
S.
I.
with pie-eyed dreams of saving the world from baddies.
And what did we get? Hot bureaucracy poured in our laps.
As S.
P.
H.
I.
N.
X.
, we can whip-up foamy justice any way we want.
The O.
S.
I.
plays their game of tag with the Guild.
But when someone refuses the costumed life S.
P.
H.
I.
N.
X.
! Can we join? Uh, speak for yourself, Billy.
Don't kid yourself, short round.
You two are gonna wake up tomorrow with your memory wiped.
How's that metal hi-five treating you these days? With all due respect, I hate you.
I know! And tomorrow, you will love me! You know, this is the answer to my problems.
You guys just need to pay some back rent and sign some papers.
Wrong-o! S.
P.
H.
I.
N.
X.
works in the shadows.
We are ghosts.
I couldn't tell anyone about this.
Doc, seriously, it's important work.
That's why we're all here.
You're here because you forgot to leave me your keys.
I mean, why we're here on this planet.
We had to make sacrifices.
Like covering yourselves in rotten eggs.
Do you know how bad you smell? No, ass! Like living next to the boys for a year and not being able to tell them that they're safe.
That kinda sacrifice! I had my pud removed, then reattached.
I pretended that I became a religious fanatic.
I pretended to be in love with Shoreleave.
Oh! And I pretended I liked having sex with him every night.
Uh, intruder at the front gate.
Intruder at the front gate.
The Sphinx has spoken.
How much do you want for that watch of yours? Ours is way too creepy.
Psst! 24.
Hey, 24.
Dude! Yes, my master.
Dude, what is this, I Dream of Jeannie? I need you to check out the Venture compound and deactivate the alarms.
I'm not a poltergeist.
I can't move stuff.
But I'll take a look around if you do that thing for a couple of my new friends.
Oh, come on! Okay, fine.
Quickly.
I'm in a hurry.
This is Speedy.
You remember him.
And President Woodrow Wilson.
Yeah, they bet me you couldn't do it.
Velvet hour! Kate Moss.
Easy.
Still? Umm, Jennifer Lopez.
- Covet? - Sarah Jessica Parker.
And she also has Lovely, and Twilight, and Dawn.
And a whole bunch more.
Astonishing.
He is like the rain man of celebrity signature perfumes.
Unscripted?! Patrick Dempsey.
I know, it's insane.
Tim McGraw and Carlos Santana also have them.
All right, you guys, I win.
Looks like you have to tell Helen of Troy how awesome I am.
Beat it.
Jeez! Okay, now you gotta go secure the compound.
I'm gonna wait here for Monstroso and deal with him the old-fashioned way.
You're gonna sew him a quilt? No, douche, I'm gonna whale on him.
I can't secure anything.
Come on! You help me all the time! Do I? Or do I just let you feel secure enough to trust your intuition? No, you are real! Real! If you say so.
We will drag his ass in front of the Council of Thirteen! Nobody double crosses the Monarch! Honey, the double cross isn't a Guild offence.
They actually encourage that kind of thing.
Trust me, Monstroso knows Guild law.
But we gotta do something! It's 21, sir.
He's stolen the Monarch mobile.
He's gone all crazy again.
We think he plans on attacking Monstroso.
- Good.
- What? Good, we didn't order it.
We're in the clear.
If one of our henchmen goes behind our backs and fixes this, I'm not gonna stop him.
You're right! And 21 might actually succeed.
And you two little snitches have work to do, I believe.
We do? Yeah, go clean the toilets or something.
No, no, no, motherf-- are you serious? You heard your leader! Those two are really starting to burn my ass.
You can either follow me to our bedroom, or bend over that control throne.
Because I haven't been this turned on in forever.
Brock Samson at last we meet.
Do I know you? Don't pull that shit with me! I don't know why you're here, and I don't care.
I have been waiting for this moment for a year.
Boo.
Ah, very nice.
Somebody's been training.
This is like Christmas, my first BMX bike, and meeting the cast of Firefly all in one.
Let's go! Come on, Samson, bring it! Okay, Tubs.
Let's see what else you got.
You didn't think I was gonna take it easy on you, did ya? I was fucking praying you wouldn't.
You gotta bring it! Come on! Well, if you can't solve my problem with this Monstroso character, you gotta pack this up.
And there will be a late fee with that back rent.
Oh, we'll solve your problem with Monstroso.
But not legally.
S.
P.
H.
I.
N.
X.
solves problems their own special way.
Don't worry, we have Brock Lobster taking care of it.
He's clean as a whistle.
Won't remember a thing.
Aren't you gonna wipe my memory? White, you lazy bastard, if you had even an ounce of the little guy's moxie, I'd be cleaning you like a toilet seat.
Um, what's going on? Oh, great.
Is the uh, washing machine still warm? You're sure that thing works? Shoreleave! You have fun with those homophobic drug lords you were imprisoned with last week? Prison? I was here last week.
Come on in, boys.
Hey, did I ever tell you about your mother? Or that you are both clones? What? You must go to the Dagoba system.
There you will meet the Jedi master who instructed me.
Good one.
Thanks.
But I'll hand it to ya, you really can deliver a pretty decent beating.
I really thought I had a chance 'cause when I got next to you, I swear it smelled like you crapped yourself.
That's not, uh that's from something else.
Obviously.
What are you doing here? I heard you went over to the other side.
Who cares why I'm here.
Why are you here? What do you mean, why am I here? Monstroso's taking our place and this place over.
The only way I could think to stop him was an old-fashioned ambush.
So, you're being a hero, huh? Yeah, I guess so.
Well, then you gotta think bigger than ambush.
Can I help you? Is this locked or something? It goes counter clockwise.
I'd like you to tear up that last agreement you made with the Monarch.
Oh, really.
And you are? Just a concerned citizen/Jedi/ninja is all.
Idiot.
Get out.
What are you doing there -- calling your men? Ah, they're sleeping.
I put 'em to bed.
Shh, don't wake 'em.
It's rude.
Okay, little guy.
You really wanna do this? I'm twice your size.
Not anymore.
G'night, Brock.
Good night, Hank.
Brock?!