What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s04e08 Episode Script

1
The sun may have just set,
but we're just getting started.
Which is fitting because we are
in the city that never sleeps.
Although, Toby here could use
a little more beauty sleep.
- Ouch, Bran.
- What?
We're twins, remember?
Hey, brothers. Can't live with 'em
I think you forgot to say,
"Can't live without 'em."
Who says I forgot?
Anyway, Bran and I
have seen the worst
- Of the worst
- of home disasters,
but today, we are here
in Staten Island
New York. ♪
Ready to take on the
toughest rennovation yet.
I'm Bran Daltry.
And I'm Toby Daltry.
And we're
The Daltry Brothers.
And this is
Go Flip Yourself.
I'm Bran,
and this knucklehead over here
is my brother Toby.
Hey.
Now, we may not get along all the time,
but one thing we do agree on
is turning people's
dream homes into reality.
Staten Island, New York.
Home to the world famous
Staten Island Ferry,
a blossoming real estate market,
and the Daltry Brothers'
toughest challenge yet.
Yikes, what a mess.
Hey, don't be so hard
on yourself, you knucklehead.
Bran, I was talking about the house.
Take a look. You got crumbling statues.
- I see them.
- You got overgrown lawn,
and
What am I smelling? Is that sulfur?
Yeah, I'm getting notes
of
decomposing animals. Pee-yew-y.
Yeah, I think someone should
call an exterminator, too.
Hey, it's nothing a little
brotherly love can't fix,
- so
- Whoa.
- Look out. Wow.
- What is that?
That is a big bone.
Yeah, I hope the big dog
that buried this one
is a friendly fella.
Now, the owners of this house have
- no idea that we're here.
- Doesn't matter.
They were told to keep
the door unlocked,
so that the "power company"
could "check the meter."
And y'all know what that means.
It's ambush time!
Come on.
Okay.
Who's ready to get down and dirty
and a little bit flirty?
What the (BLEEP)? (BLEEP) (BLEEP)
- Am I on Go Flip Yourself?
- Yes, you are.
My name's Laszlo. I'm such a fan.
- My name's Bran.
- I know who you are.
- Initially, the twins aspect
- Yeah.
- Confused me slightly.
- It does a lot of people.
And then I watched three seasons
- Yeah?
- And then I realized that,
- you're both very different.
- Sure.
In posture and personality.
We need to fix this house.
Tell me about it.
I sent my tape in months ago.
Bran and Toby
certainly have their hands full
with the quirky owners and decor
of this mixed-up mansion.
All right, guys, so little bit
of a hiccup out the gates.
My brother Toby's
a little under the weather,
so he's gonna sit this one out.
I mean, typical Toby, right?
Leaving all the hard work
for this guy to do.
But when they saw how down we were
about Toby taking a sick day,
the owners of this house
And I'm just gonna
say this about them
They are very spiritual people.
They led me and the whole crew
on a very special
guided meditation, you know, just
to re-center us.
And you will forget that Toby is dead,
and that he was murdered by me.
A girl has got to eat.
And, instead, you will think
that he is just
temporarily sick.
Hashtag it worked.
So, now
we got to get back to the task at hand,
and, boy, it's a doozy.
Plus, we just want Toby
to be proud of this episode
when he sees it, after
he shakes off the mild flu.
When the owners first saw this
8,474-square-foot home,
it was love at first sight.
And that was so long ago, they say
they can't even remember
when they first moved in.
But since then, things have changed.
Railroad employee and part-time
graphic designer, Laszlo
I wish I could get this
printer to work.
Hates living
in this dated house
that lacks adequate storage
space for him and his nephew Colin.
Bang!
What have I told you
about touching my hat?
- Pow!
- To be blunt,
this house is a (BLEEP)hole.
And I think only
Bran and Toby are capable
of helping us "embrace our space."
Go on, bugger off.
To quote the brothers
themselves, from episode 113,
"Midcentury Mess,"
"This house is all kinds of
Frank Lloyd Wrong."
Nandor and Marwa are
newlyweds with a passion for cooking,
but without enough space
- in their cramped kitchen.
- Sorry.
And they can't seem
to agree on how to make
their master bedroom
their happily ever after.
So, yes, we are technically newlyweds,
but it feels like we've
been together forever.
I would describe my style
as French country
meets shabby chic.
And I would describe my style
as French country meets shabby chic.
But I also like modern.
I like to have an indoor sink,
a floor that is not dirt.
Me, too. I like everything
that he likes.
So, if he says that we need a change
Change is not always a good thing.
I mean, sometimes,
you make too many changes,
and then, before you know it,
you realize what you thought you wanted
is, in fact, very annoying.
Guillermo and
Nadja have their hands full
running a successful nightclub,
and when they come home to
these cramped living quarters
Where is the (BLEEP) thing?
Tensions can run hot.
The thingy-thing. The thing
that controls
- the heat at the nightclub.
- A thermostat key.
- Right?
- Yes.
It's on a chain around your neck.
Nice try.
- This is a big house.
- Yeah.
Okay, guys, let's talk about
design options within your budget.
- Great.
- Now, here's the question:
How much are you guys
comfortable spending
in order to give this old house a
facelift?
All of it. All our life's savings.
Whatever you need, you knucklehead.
You're the knucklehead.
- You're the knucklehead.
- Who you calling a knucklehead?
Look at this.
- Where'd you get that shirt?
- What?
Where-Where'd you get your shirt?
From a shop. (BLEEP) off.
Okay, we're getting
a little off track here.
Let's focus, guys, 'cause, clearly,
this living room
is not working for anyone.
What the (BLEEP) is that
supposed to mean? Some of us
happen to like waterlogged mahogany
and soaking wet pillows
that smell of cheese
- and moldy stuffed bears. Thank you.
- Yeah
Clearly, we're not nuts
about the full-size tree
that fell through the wall.
Left a gigantic hole
where raccoons and squirrels
can just come and go
and nest in our furniture, so
I don't know, I don't mind it.
As you can see, I
gave that a bit of a trim
using the Milwaukee M18 Fuel
Lithium-Ion chainsaw,
used in your commercials.
"Milwaukee, nothing but heavy duty."
Home renovations can be
an emotional process.
Let's do it.
Now, I have to
convince the owners that
we're not here to destroy
their memories,
we're here to help them make new ones.
Okay guys, here what I'm thinking.
And, boom, we knock out all the walls.
Make an open concept first floor.
It's gonna create much better
flow and, most importantly,
it's gonna bring in tons
of natural light.
- I love it, it's perfect.
- Thank you.
- I don't think that's perfect.
- And
we can also get rid of this
dated and awkward storage
and replace it with a master
his-and-hers mega-closet.
- Yeah.
- Fantastic.
With custom shelves for all
of Nadja's shoes and her doll.
Plus, a dedicated hat wall
with hat racks for all
of Laszlo's dope hats.
That cannot be our house.
You're right, that cannot be our house.
- This fella is the knackers.
- Thank you.
Now, let's talk about
that unfinished attic.
I think we should reimagine it
as a spacious master suite
slash love nest for Nandor and Marwa.
It doesn't matter how many
changes you make to something.
The novelty eventually wears off.
I agree with my husband.
But I do like
that sign about home
being where the wine is.
- Okay. There is another option.
- Me, too.
In this option, you can
keep your current bedroom
And we reimagine the attic
as a dedicated "man cave" for Nandor.
- Man cave?
- Yeah.
What is a man cave?
Man cave is where
you do your man stuff.
So, there are no women allowed
in this man cave?
Hey, it's your space up there,
- you do with it what you please.
- Great.
Guess what?
I hate all of that. That attic
is full of very precious,
treasured memories
of us putting all
of our trash up there.
Also, we do not need
a wall of hat hooks.
Laszlo only has one hat,
and it's bloody cursed!
Correction, my darling,
I have five hats.
I have the one she's referring to,
which she doesn't like
for some unknown reason.
It's actually very cool.
- I'm sure it is.
- It might be made out of witch skin
and has an asshole on it,
but I look fantastic wearing it.
And another is a yellow ballcap
with the message across it,
- "Absolut Aces"
- Ooh, where'd you get that?
Which was a gift from the
2006 movie premiere of the movie
- Smokin' Aces.
- You know the film?
- I love it. It's classic.
- Well, I've never worn it.
Where you going, Nadja? I got
something special for you, too.
Check this out.
No home would be complete
without a serene master bath
fit for a queen.
I don't care about any of this.
Do you care about a gold toilet?
Bang!
A gold toilet?
Queen's got to have her throne,
am I right, guys?
You can't even take a (BLEEP).
I will take a (BLEEP)
if I want to take a (BLEEP).
Stop trying to water down
my brand.
I've given the owners
a lot to think about.
Now it's time to let them talk it over.
I really don't think this kind of
public exposure is good for us.
I really think that
we should just let these guys
paint a wall or two
and get them out of here.
"These guys"?
Bran and Toby are artisans.
They're craftspeople.
Toby is dead, okay?
And it's only a matter of time
before someone notices.
No, are you not paying attention
to my very comprehensive hypnosis?
And no one watching this footage
will notice that we are vampires.
Not the editors,
not the editors' assistants,
not the sound mixers,
not the
Who else is there?
Color correctors, current executives,
Standards & Practices
occasionally looks at a rough cut.
A producer's girlfriend named
Wendy one time gave notes,
and now she gives notes
on all the cuts.
- Then there are
- Okay, okay, I get it.
Yes. All of those nerds, too.
Also you will put the bit
that I am saying in now
as a flashback and then
cut back to the main story
of whatever else is going on.
I don't know. I
have a really bad feeling about this.
Do you think home really
is "where the wine is"?
I want it to be accurate
for my man cave.
Yes, I agree.
There's a surprise.
Now, I think we all know what to do.
All right, gang, you've had
time to think it over.
And now it's decision time.
Are you ready to "embrace your space"?
Or do you want to tell this
son of a B to "go flip off"?
There's just no storage space
for me to do my business.
Let me get this Sorry.
A gold toilet?
I have a really bad feeling about this.
Um
We've decided to
Embrace our space!
Yes! That is music to my ears.
I promise you're gonna love this place
so much more
when we're finished with it.
And we're gonna up your curb
appeal by re-sodding the lawn
and the backyard
Re-sodding, hey?
Y-You're gonna dig up the-the backyard?
Yeah, I'm an expert at landscaping.
Meanwhile, my brother
likes to spend his time
manscaping.
Boom!
I don't know what that means,
but Toby, right?
Yeah, he gets it. All right,
what are we doing standing
around here? We've got to get to
Work. ♪
- Let's go!
- Hey! Get to work!
This gang, they keep
some pretty unusual hours,
working for the railroad
and owning the nightclub.
So we're gonna pull some
all-nighters here, you betcha!
Yeah!
Guillermo, go for it!
Yeah, love it!
Yeah! Wow!
- Hey!
- Bran!
Wow, man cave
really coming together?
- Yes.
- I'm almost finished over here,
then moving onto the door, honey.
Don't forget to put the lock on it.
You got it, honey.
Check out this bar.
What?
This is an entertainer's dream.
Nandor, I want you
to picture this right now, okay?
The guys are over. They're hanging out.
Okay, I am picturing it.
I could be over here
at the bar counter.
And then one of the guys would
come right behind me and
Yeah,
We could put a little skylight
in the floor there,
and look through it
and see Guillermo on the toilet.
No, we don't need
a skylight in the bathroom.
Nonsense, clear sight lines
are what buyers are looking for
these days, right, Bran?
Hey, who's the host
of this show, this guy or me?
I love it.
You know what I also love?
Look at this distressed wood.
I mean, it's giving everyone
the shabby chic look
that I know that you love
- Meets French country.
- Thank you very much.
And how about the whimsical seating?
Have we talked about it yet?
I don't think we have.
- Get down in it, brother.
- This?
- That's for you.
- No.
- This is your throne.
- It's not a dog bed?
Give it test spin right now.
You're gonna love it.
No, he doesn't really
get comfortable so eas
Here we go.
How perfect is that?
- Pretty perfect, Bran.
- Yeah!
But the project wasn't
a smooth ride from beginning to end.
Bran got a call from the City
Building Inspector's office
about the permits,
and the news was not good.
No, no, I understand.
It's just that we've done
over 150 of these renovations,
and this issue has
never come up before.
Sir, they don't pay me enough
to fight with you, okay? I'm sorry,
but that's just where the
situation currently stands. All right?
So you're just gonna
have to take it up with
- Son of a B!
- Sir?
Guys
I'm so sorry to report this.
But I just got off the phone
with the City Building
Inspector's office.
And I've got some bad news.
Bad news?!
I just got off the phone with the
City Building Inspector's office.
And I got some bad news.
- Bad news?
- I'm afraid so.
Apparently Guillermo's room does
not meet the legal requirements
to call it a room. The legal term is
"hidey hole" or a "rat's studio."
That's okay, I really don't mind.
What the (BLEEP) does that mean?
I'll tell you what
the F it means, L-Train.
It means that we gotta now
reallocate this budget
to get Guillermo's room up to code.
No, no, no. No one needs
to make a big fuss.
his room.
What the (BLEEP) are
our options, B-boy?
Well, I love the passion.
I'm gonna get on that couch,
and show you what we got, okay?
Open this up, and show you guys
what I worked up. Gather in.
Now if we eliminate
Nadja's gold toilet
- (GASPS) Eat (BLEEP)!
- Hang on a second.
If we eliminate it,
we can open up that wall,
and create a ventilation system
for Guillermo.
What the (BLEEP) is this, Club Med?
We need the gold toilet!
Hang on a second, 'cause
we're also going to have to
eliminated Nandor's
custom sign that says,
- "Home is where the wine is."
- Get (BLEEP)!
Because can then
close the open septic tank,
which apparently is pooling
underneath Guillermo's bed.
Well, I guess
if there's no other way
And finally even grouchy
Guillermo was grinning.
Meanwhile, Marwa's got a surprise
that even I haven't seen yet.
Only midway through renovations,
but Marwa was working around the clock.
You think he's ready?
- You ready?
- Ready.
Let's do it.
And voilà!
Okay, all right.
- Wow.
- Wow!
Wow, wow.
Are you looking at this?
Incredible.
- Wow.
- Tiny plant, hello.
Look at this, decorative balls?
- You can't go wrong with those.
- I love balls.
- I love balls, too.
- I love balls, too.
And who wants to belly up to the bar?
Saddle up, giddy up!
Let's get up to the bar.
- John would've loved those.
- Right.
I love how the colors
on the rug are just playing
with the new hardwoods,
And then look at the hoop right there.
Wow, my own court.
Do you like it, honey?
Do I like it?
I really love it.
- Yes!
- I think it's so great!
Wait! Before you sit down,
let me make sure that the beans
are in the optimal position for you.
- Perfect.
- Can you
make sure I did a good job on the door?
I put a special lock on there for you,
because I know how much
you love your alone time.
Looks pretty good to me.
The chevron pattern and
the wood grain on this thing,
it's just beautiful.
Okay.
I see you are trying out
the, the lock action.
It's
- Marwa?
- It's soundproof, too.
You know, Bran, there was a time
me and Marwa,
we liked very different things.
But then I made a wish
that we would like the same things.
Now I think that wish has come true.
I also think perhaps that
Marwa has been building
this man cave for herself.
Yeah.
Down to the wire.
Crew is in there
We're putting the finishing
touches on the house
for the big reveal, and I cannot wait
to show the owners
their forever home.
All right, you knuckleheads,
are you ready
to find out if this house is a flip
or if it's gonna be a flub?
We're ready to flip.
- It's gonna be a flip.
- It's gonna be a flip.
All right, everyone
remove your blindfolds!
That is not our house.
That is not our house
You're looking the wrong way,
that's our neighbor's house.
- This way.
- Right, got ya.
Well?
This looks the same.
All right, guys, what
are we waiting for?
Let's get inside and bam, bam, bam!
Let's do it.
Let's go! Let's go!
Come on in, and check out
your brand new dream home!
Yeah!
Everybody grab a figurative
straw and drink it in.
Right?
I'm speechless myself, gang.
Guys, get in the nooks
and crannies. Check it out!
Ew
Wait, I thought you said
you were going to completely
Bran, I'm starting to think
that this flip might be a flub.
What the (BLEEP)?!
There's still sewage under my bed.
That was a permitting issue.
There's still a tree
in the (BLEEP) fancy room!
Give my Bran boy a chance.
What are you talking about?!
This was his chance!
Guys, we're not finished yet.
'Cause the ol' Bran man
saved the best for last.
Follow me. Come on, gang.
You know, I might move in,
I love this place so much.
Ready?
I'm gonna welcome you to your brand-new
walk-in closet.
- (BLEEP)
- Yeah!
This really is the knackers.
- Come here.
- Bring it in. Ooh!
Someone's excited.
Wait a second, I thought
this was supposed to be
a "his-and-hers" closet?
Change of plans, sweetie. Live with it.
- What the (BLEEP)?
- LASZLO: Hold on a second.
Where the (BLEEP) is
my witch's skin hat?
NADJA: Who gives a (BLEEP)?
You mean this witch's skin hat?
Ha-ha!
Simon the Devious, I knew it was you.
- You bastard.
- No, you didn't.
Bran, do something.
What do you
want me to do, ya knuckleheads?
- That's clever.
- I was talking to Bran.
You idiot, I am Bran.
What have you done with Bran?
Bran never existed.
It's always been me.
So you mean?
Yes.
- You?
- Did I create, pitch, sell
and produce 150 episodes
of Go Flip Yourself
for the sole purpose
of regaining access
to your home here in New York City
that I might take
what is rightfully mine,
this witch's clit of a hat?
Yes.
Yes, I did.
What, all those episodes,
all those marathons,
all those bedsheet sets
in the Daltry Brothers'
Daltry Living line?
Yes, it was all me.
Well, we partnered with
Kohl's for the Daltry Living line.
- Sellout!
- But the rest of it, all me.
All that just for stealing my hat?
- Yes.
- NADJA: Wow. (BLEEP) hell!
Well, I had a little help
from my friends.
You remember my crew?
Big Vlad. Blavglad the Exsanguinator.
- These pricks.
- Gunthrapple.
Wesley Sikes.
The Freak Sisters. Mr. '50s.
Evil Steve.
The wickedly talented Adele Dazeem.
- Hello there.
- Freakfest Tony.
Hi, Tony, nice to see you again.
- The Silent One.
- Hey, guys, how's it going?
Just gonna keep it silent
for now, thank you.
He Who Shall Not Be Named
but it's Greg.
His name is Greg.
Desdemona the Shrieker.
That guy I still don't know.
And of course, the king himself,
Elvis.
Yeah, I always pretty good
with a hammer.
- Not very good with friendship.
- Traitor!
Ronaldo the Elder.
There he is, and who could forget
Ken the Zombie of my Former Accountant.
Yes, he's also
the COO of my production company.
And of course, my sound guy
Count Rapula.
- No
- Not this guy
Hey, yo, I arose from my tomb ♪
With three lavs and a boom ♪
And when you think you're alone ♪
I'm in your home ♪
Getting room tone ♪
- No. No!
- Scary stories and fables ♪
- And XLR cables, my ♪
- Okay, very good.
Thank you, Count Rapula.
I think we all get it.
Well, I killed Toby.
So looks like one of your crew is dead.
Well, actually, Toby
wasn't one of our crew.
He was a regular guy.
He was a Navy flight instructor
with I want to say three?
- Three children without a father.
- Sad.
Well done!
Took me a while to get
to know him, earn his trust.
And then I pitched him the show.
And then I paid for him to study
design, architecture,
- and construction skills.
- Wait.
Why didn't you just find someone
who already knew how to build houses?
'Cause for a show like this,
it's all about "it factor."
You really are the most devious bastard
in New York City.
Well, we're not in New York City.
We're in (BLEEP) Staten Island.
- (HISSING)
- Which means you're not worth (BLEEP).
You come in here, you pinch
my hat, you destroy my house
and you con me into
spending $2,000 on these poufs.
- 2,000?
- I like the poufs.
Does no one like the poufs?
I don't mind the poufs.
You see, you're a dickhead
'cause you've just shown your face
on screen, which means
this episode, Brainiac,
cannot be televised.
Do you have any ideas
who my viewers are?
They're people in airports
and hospital waiting rooms.
I once showed a gaping, open asshole
for ten seconds,
and I never heard a word about it.
Yes. it was Episode 73,
"Ramshackle Ranch," I do believe.
- You really watch the show.
- I do, yes.
- That means the world to me.
- Who cares?
Anyway, I've got your witch's hat,
and I've got signed
release forms from each of you,
so you can expect to see this episode
airing around the clock
about two years from now.
All right, let's roll, crew!
Whoa!
Get away!
Go on!
Later, losers.
Ow! (BLEEP) me!
- Stupid prick can't even fly.
- NADJA: It's the (BLEEP) hat.
It's not the hat.
Reckon that hat's got
some bad hoodoo in it?
There's nothing wrong
with the hat, Elvis!
Later, losers ow! (BLEEP)
And that's a wrap
on the Mixed-Up Mansion.
Hello? You can go, too.
The job wasn't easy, but
the owners couldn't be happier.
I can't believe he came back for that.
What are you doing?
You got what you want.
- (BLEEP) off.
- This (BLEEP) is disgusting!
Okay, but we still
need to get the pre-credits button.
What makes you think we give a (BLEEP)
about the pre-credits button?
It's just,
if you don't, you won't get
your full payment for the episode.
I think it comes out to, like, $1,200.
- Is it?
- Ooh, not too shabby.
What I will just say
is that now that Laszlo's
cursed hat is finally gone,
the fire that's always going on
in the boiler room has gone out.
Yes!
And the sewage flooding in the
basement has dried up somewhat.
Thank you, Go Flip Yourself.
And I'm pleased to report the
raccoons have stopped (BLEEP)
under the sofa.
Well most of them have.
On the next Go Flip Yourself,
Bran takes on his toughest
challenge yet.
And the electric stove top
wasn't really
working for you, was it Amanda?
- I mean, it worked.
- And that's why all
the real restaurant chefs
Say it with me
Only cook with gas.
Yeah! All right, let's fire
this baby up and make some
of your world-famous spaghetti?
- Let's do it.
- Let's do it!
Go Flip Yourself.