Workaholics s04e08 Episode Script

He shakes his butt so you know his dick's working.
He shakes his butt so you know his dick's working.
He wags his dick like a doggy tail.
- Ooh-ooh! - Okay, all right.
He wags his dick like a doggy tail.
- Just like a doggy tail.
- Ooh-ooh! Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
All: Oh! - Break it down, Derski.
- Yeah! - My man is on fire.
- Whoo! Oh, that was a special shot.
Thank you.
I'm a clutch player.
I think it's because Steve Kerr accidentally spit on me at a sports chalet as a kid.
I was there for a signing and I think I got It was like like Mike Ju-ju.
I got some of his talent.
Yeah, or whatever disease transfers through saliva.
Okay, people, on your right you will see the home of Hollywood's most beloved athlete, Pauly Shore.
[Tires screech.]
Whoa, hey, come on, Mike, what's up? Hey, what the hell are you doing? - Pauly Shore lives around here? - No.
I'm in the celebrity hot tub business now, baby.
- Cool.
- Whoo! - Cool.
- Whoa, hey, hey, hey, why are they taking pictures of us? It's because I told them that you're Pauly Shore and Adam is Robin Williams.
Um, I'm more of, like, a Mark Wahlberg type.
Okay.
He has gained some weight, but, ladies and gentleman, Mark Wahlberg! [All cheering.]
All right, that's great.
- Hey, check this out too.
- Sexy! My driver, homeless Mike, he found us a delicious treat in a dumpster behind Buca Di Beppo last night.
Lasagna.
Garbage lasagna.
Very smart.
- Yeah.
- "Ingenus," even.
So every tour comes with a free lunch.
- Sure.
- Hey wait, a minute.
- Who's Ders supposed to be? - Oh, I'm good.
I'm glad you asked.
Anders is comedy God Michael Cera! - [Cheering.]
- Nice.
- That's right.
- I'm supposed to be - Michael Cera? - I was gonna say Michael Cera.
[Laughs.]
Yup.
- Would you like some? - Michael Cera? Come on, more like Michael Phelps.
- Let's be real, here.
- You're not Michael Phelps.
You're Michael Cera.
You don't even have a body like Phelps.
I don't have the same body as Michael Phelps? - No, dude, you're weak.
- Take it back.
- Take it back.
- No, you have Mike Cera's, like, tiny little eyes and weak-ass chin, bro.
You're Mike Cera.
- Take it back.
- No, hey! [All screaming.]
- All: Whoa! - Oh, my God! Why you do that, Scott Pilgrim? Sorry.
- oh.
- Hey, what do you guys say we turn this little beer run into a full-on dining experience? I'm thinking cold beer and some chicken wings, huh? - Chicken wings.
- I like it, that sounds good.
- Yeah? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We got a trio of tight-thicks at 11:00.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Adam.
Okay, they're waving us over.
I'm gonna get in there, pick-up artist style, and start dropping some heavy negs.
- Great idea, great idea.
- Okay, yeah, yeah.
Adam, Adam, why are you Why are you walking like that? 'Cause I'm walking like I have a gigantic one, and you guys should, too.
Hey.
Hey, what's up, pigs? Um, hi.
Will you guys get us some beer? Why, are you too stupid to buy it yourselves? Oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho! You guys look dumb.
No, we're 19.
- Okay, that's underage, okay.
- What? I've got a big dick.
It's huge.
[Roars.]
Down there.
It's scary.
That's why I was walking funny earlier, it's because it hurts to walk.
My thighs just smash it, - and it's very painful.
- Yup.
Okay, um [Chuckles.]
There's a huge party at our dorm.
Yeah, I know.
I heard about that.
- Yeah? - I did.
- Yeah.
- Surprised us, right? Ah, we're supposed to bring all the beer, so if we give you some money, will you buy it for us? Oh, little ladies, that would be our pleasure.
And trust me, I'm big on pleasure.
Probably too big for your little [Bleep.]
.
[Laughter.]
[Bleep.]
Midgets.
[Laughter.]
Ders, how about you give this dump truck of a girl her money back.
- Okay.
Sorry.
- Uh, I don't get it.
You wouldn't, not with your tiny brain.
Why buy all the beer, when we can steal all the beer? - [All gasping.]
- That would be epic.
- It would be, right? - That's why he said it, stupid.
Okay, we've got to talk.
We'll be right back.
- See you guys in a few.
- Maybe ease up a little bit.
Dude, I love what a dangerous hornball you're being right now! Being a frickin' hornball right now.
- You're so horny.
- Okay, we're gonna go steal - all the beer - Yeah.
And you keep seducing their - Yes.
- Their dumb little brains.
Yes, okay.
[Makes shooting noises.]
Don't do that, though.
Just do my walking with a big dick idea, okay? M gonna do, like, a Yeah, dude, just walk with a big dick.
All right.
Okay, I will.
- [Whistling.]
- Don't do the gun thing.
Don't do the gun thing.
- Yo, what are we doing? - Oh, ho! You looked that way, you [Bleep.]
dummy.
[Laughter.]
I'm back, I'm back.
Come on, come on.
- What are we doing, man? - What do you mean? What do you mean? We're stealing beer.
We're gonna make those chicks horny by doing, like, some dangerous Lorenzo lamas-type stuff, right? Come on, dude, stealing beer? That's not gonna make chicks horny, dude.
Yeah, but what do you know about being horny, hmm? You're like the least horniest dude in our whole dude crew.
[Laughs.]
Are you kidding me? I am not the least horn What about Ders? Ders is a whole ball of horns.
And, me, it's like It's sad what I'll go through to get some.
Like, my dick, just when I ejaculate, I just ejaculate tears, because that's how sad it makes me.
- Your dick is crying? - My dick cries.
And your dick doesn't do anything.
- Okay.
- Your dick just lays to one side, all All just apathetic.
Uh, no.
Okay, well, that is not true.
What is the horniest, most perverted thing that you would do for the orange-haired girl out there? Well, I'm already [Sniffs.]
Mm I'm already smelling her hair.
I'm Okay, I don't know, exactly.
I'd probably I'd take her to France, and we'd, uh We would ride bicycles, and afterwards maybe I'd steal a smooch or two.
I'd give her a kiss, man.
[Chuckles.]
You are a sad sack of [Bleep.]
.
What do you want me to say? What, I'll fist her or something, man? Yeah, yeah, yeah! Just say I want to, like, - stick my whole arm up there.
- Oh, come oh, come on.
Well what if I tie all three of them up and start slapping 'em around and frickin' burn them with a Well, don't be a psychopath.
You don't have to do that.
- I just - Have normal sex with them.
Then I'm gonna [Bleep.]
her, probably.
Oh, you probably.
Why'd you throw the "probably" in there? That doesn't even seem like a Because I don't know if she's gonna let me.
- I'm not gonna, you know - Okay.
- Come on, man.
- Just help me steal some beer.
All right, fine.
Let's steal the beer, all right? Yo, psst, come on! - He's hand signaling.
- Hey, my man, my man.
What what that be? What is that? He's he's hand signal Hide, hide, hide! What up, man? Stay up.
- Shoot! - Oh, no, no, no, no! Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm pretty sure that plan sucked.
You're pretty sure? Well, I'm pretty sure - Yeah.
- You suck, okay? Because my friends are geniuses.
They're probably devising a plan to steal the beer from the inside of the truck.
But since it seems like it's driving away So we should follow it, all right? Let's not be stupid and show up to a dorm party without beer.
Come with me.
We'll get the beer.
We've got to get the beer.
Come on, let's go! Thank you.
Here we go.
Move those big asses.
- Get it! - There you go! You got it! - Whoa, okay, all right.
- Look! Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, so, uh - What do we do now? - We're gonna grab as many beers as we can, and then we're gonna jump.
- Okay.
- Okay? Yeah, yeah, uh, [Bleep.]
.
[Phone rings.]
- It doesn't seem - Here we go.
- Oh, hey, hey, hey! - Yo, what's up? - Yo, what's up? - Let me get a beer, man.
These girls are getting restless.
Okay, on it.
[Grunting.]
Hey, orange, take the wheel.
Both: Oh! - All right! - Yeah! - You're good with your hands.
- That's awesome.
Yeah, that's just the tip of the iceberg, you frickin' whale.
- I want one.
- Me too.
Okay, we need more beers.
More beers! - Yeah, uh, what if we, um - Okay.
Get, like, a grappling hook and, like, ballet shoes and kind of like man on a wire it over there? - Yeah, I'm just gonna throw it.
- Huh? There we go.
[Tires screeching.]
[All screaming.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Adam, what are you doing, man? You're gonna cause an accident.
You need to stop worrying and start tossing, man, 'cause when this works, we're gonna be partying all night, dude.
I know, about the sex and stuff, I'm just saying, man Bring the 'Vo as close as possible.
Okay, okay, okay.
Here we go.
Blake, we're jumping to the 'Vo.
And I know you're scared right now, man, but the blood that's pumping through your veins, I need it pumping through your dick! I need you horny, Blake! Okay, well, here's the deal about that.
Uh, I just I don't know if Life, man.
What a ride! [Screams.]
[All screaming, laughing.]
Yeah, that's cool, right? That's good [Bleep.]
.
[Laughter.]
Okay, throw me a case, man.
- Whoo! - Cool, right? - It's what we do.
- [Grunts.]
Oh! Oh! - Here we go.
- I got it, I got it.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- [Grunts.]
Unh! All: Oh! - Yeah, yeah.
- Here, right down there.
All right.
[All talking.]
Whoa, whoa! [Screaming.]
Oh, my God! [All shouting, screaming.]
All, right, all right.
Uh, maybe it's time for a new plan.
You're right, mission abort.
We've got enough beer.
Okay, now, hurry up and jump.
Let's bang these chicks.
- Come on.
- Yeah.
Hey, hey, whoa, come on, man, watch the hood! It's still my car! - Sorry.
Come on! - Yeah, yeah.
- Hell, yeah.
Hell, yeah! - Yeah.
Here we go.
Here we g - Nope, nope, no, no.
- What? - Uh-uh, I'm not gonna make it.
- Come on! What do you mean? Just get horny! I can't.
Okay? I'm just I'm not that horny.
- [Tires screeching, horn honks.]
- Oh, farts! [Screams.]
[Both groaning.]
Okay, not good, not good.
Not bad, you know, not bad.
It's whatever.
[Truck beeping.]
- Where are we? - This is so ghetto.
This is ghetto? You're ghetto.
What's with your hair? It's all wet.
You'd actually be the hottest one in the three if it was normal.
Ah, Haley, we're missing the pre-game.
I know, this sucks.
I'm gonna call an uber to send a car for us.
Wait, no, no, don't Don't call anybody, okay, because I'm here and I'm fun and I've got two bad boys for life inside the building ready to come outside of the building and take your dorm party to the next level, into the stratosphere, which is a science term you'd know about if you were smart, but you're girls or whatever.
So I'm gonna call them.
You know, put on makeup or something, please.
We're gonna get shot.
I swear to God.
- They're sending us a car.
- Mm.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh.
[Gasping.]
- [Phone rings.]
- Yo.
Yo, what is going on in there? Guys, like, these chicks are trying to bail.
Don't let them go, 'cause we're in a frickin' brewery right now.
We're gonna find the mother lode and then it's gonna be a straight up dorm day situation, like that porno site where, like, the porno girls come and do, like, the dorm and then all - [Indistinct radio chatter.]
- Oh, shh, hide! - Shh.
- Gotta go, gotta go.
Okay.
Hey, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, check it.
[Chuckling.]
I guess my dudes are about to roll out here with infinity beers.
Well, they'd better hurry, 'cause you've got 20 minutes.
And you've got orange hair.
- Yeah.
- Fire snatch! Gah.
God damn it, man.
We're never gonna get over that gate without getting busted, dude.
- What? - If you weren't so blinded by your stupid horniness, we'd be on the roof drinking beer and smashing cheeseburger big bites.
Look around you, dude.
It's wall-to-wall beer, man.
Okay, so how about we quit obsessing about, like, minor details and start stealing beer like real horny men do.
What's this? - Oh, what are you - Look at this.
Oh, that looks good.
That looks really, really good.
- Here's yours.
- Yeah, thanks, thanks.
- Ooh.
- Oh, mama.
- Whoo, mother's milk.
- [Moaning.]
Yeah, I needed that.
- Okay, okay, I'm back.
- Oh, that's good.
Then what are you thinking? We grab a couple cases, put 'em on a forklift, blaze out of here, just go right through the front door.
Oh, no.
We are gonna steal 106 gallons of ice cold beer, baby, and basically turn those chicks into our sex slaves until they turn 23, when chicks go rotten.
I-I dude, I love where your head's at, but that's impossible, all right? You can't transport that much liquid.
I'm one step ahead of you, "B's.
" I'm guessing you guys are pretty bad at kissing, but I'm willing to give a lesson Did somebody order 600 gallons of beer transpo? - Whoo! - He's I don't uh - What is that? - What are you doing? We're stealing all the beer, Ders! - God, damn it.
- All right.
I know him, so Don't worry.
I took her through a car wash.
She's so clean you could eat - beer off of it, baby.
- Cool, cool.
- Man, give me a hug, man.
- What? No.
What's going on down here? What is that? Oh, this is an adult diaper.
- Why are you wearing a diaper? - Dude, the bad Buca.
It turns out you can't trust dumpster lasagna like you used to.
It tore my insides up and now I've got poo-poo leaking down my butt crack.
Stop it! He's he's playing.
He's joking.
He's Karl and he's actually a wall street guy, so So then why does Karl drive that nasty van? Oh, my goodness, you have incredibly delicate shoulders.
- Has anyone ever told you that? - Stop it.
Thank you.
Now, there's that smile that makes me want to be a better man.
Right, right, but [Glass breaks.]
- [Grunts.]
- Whoa.
Here, take it.
- Take it.
- Here we go! - Here we go.
- Game on, game on.
Game time.
[Grunting.]
Hit it, Beezer! [Imitates bird, cat, dog.]
Cool.
I forget which animal we settled on, but, he's got it.
Oh, my God, we're stealing that much beer? Oh, yeah.
We're flowing, bro.
We're flowing! - Yeah, there we go.
- Yo, got mugs.
Stole them from the salvation army.
- Didn't even pay for them.
- Oh.
Ma'am, this one is for you.
And this one fits you.
So, like, I guess we hooked you guys up, and you won't be going anywhere.
Holler if you hear me.
Uh, not really.
This is gonna take forever to fill up, and we're already missing the party.
Mm, yeah, okay.
How about you shut up and don't look at me right now? - Damn.
- Why would you miss a party? We were supposed to bring all the beer.
Ders.
[Clicks tongue.]
Yo, watch them like a hawk, or like an eagle, whatever has the best eyes.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna tell Blake to turn this bitch up full speed and we're gonna be having an orgy within an hour.
Yes! Yeah.
Dude, if I could hug you, I would.
Anders, save it for the orgy.
Yo, Blake! We've got to turn this bitch up to "party," man.
It's not coming out quick enough.
Whoa, hey, whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Don't mess with that, man.
Come on, hey.
- Hey, plumbing is a science.
- What are you doing? Don't mess with it.
Yeah, well, you know what else is a science? Reverse cowgirl, man, and that's not even something that you would understand because you haven't had sex for, like, I don't know, how many months? How many months? - Should I stop - Stop.
Okay, look, man, I'm just asking you, as a friend, don't mess with my flow, bro.
Well, it's not about the friendship, Blake, because as the old saying goes, "it's hos before bros.
" Well, I think No, are you drunk, man, off your own [Bleep.]
? You've gone [Bleep.]
dumb! Is semen backing up - and clogging your brain? - Yo, give me a Come on, you're too horny, Adam, knock it off! I'm the perfect amount of horny oh! Oh, look what you've gone and done now, Adam.
Yeah, well, that's partially your if you would've just done it from the beginning, then this wouldn't have happened.
You and your semen-filled brain, you [Bleep.]
.
You sprung a leak, man.
- We're hemorrhaging beer.
- Plug 'er up! We've got a robbery in progress, main brew house.
Oh, no.
Oh, no Oh, no, Karl, are you okay, baby? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
It's just my guts.
They're rotting.
"Baby"? It was wait, everyone's calling him "baby," now? What's my pet name? "Beer bitch.
" Beer bitch? I don't get it.
Grab me another beer, bitch.
Okay, got it.
[Chuckles.]
Now I get it.
That was so funny, Kim.
- Thank you.
- That was great.
- Karl, we've got a problem.
- Yeah? This thing ain't pumping beer no more.
Well, then let's get in there and make it pump - no more beer a little bit more.
- What? Okay, I'm gonna give you a boost, I think.
Okay.
Guys, our uber will be here in 10 minutes, and if it gets here before the beer does, we're out of here.
- Okay, okay.
- All right, let's go.
- Both: One, two, three - Go! [Shouts.]
Hold on.
You've got to let go.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I'm falling, dude.
No, I'll get you through.
Ready? One, two, three, go.
- Yeah, baby.
- I'm in.
[Chuckles.]
- Stop, what are - No, I'm plugging.
Okay, you know what? Just turn it off, man.
We're not gonna turn it off, man, because we're trying to get it going for the chicks.
The flow needs to get going! Somebody has to plug the dike with their mouth.
[Sighs.]
Hopefully that's not the last time I say that, right? This is a little more important.
- So just - Oh, Blake You know what? Just go ahead.
- You're just not horny enough.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
You're gonna just have to kiss giving the girls a good night kiss good-bye, good-bye.
I'll see you on the other side.
- For poon! - What does that even mean? - Oh, [Bleep.]
! - What does that even mean? - Ow! - Don't, man.
You're gonna drink yourself to death.
You'll get too drunk, if that's a real thing.
Hold on.
You guys get the fat kid, I'll corner the girl.
The party's over, boys! Security, security, come on! Come on, come on, Adam, Adam.
Ah, come on, leave him alone! Oh, you want some of what he's getting? All right, dude, you're just a rent-a-cop, chill.
[Can clangs.]
[Forklift revving, beeping.]
- Somebody order a bear? - Oh! Whoa! Thanks, Ders.
Yeah.
I meant to say "beer," but I just said, "bear.
" I don't think it matters, though.
Here.
- [Shouting.]
- Oh! [Shouting.]
Yeah! Come on, let's go, big man! Let's go, guys, follow me! - Grab him! - Oh, man, the dumpster lasagna, it's dropping a level, I think I'm gonna butt barf, you guys.
- [Farts.]
- We're almost there! It's happening.
It's so hot.
It's impossibly hot.
Wait, we can't leave a dude behind! - Oh! - What are you talking about? Do you smell what his butt is cooking? - It stinks.
- Up here! [Groans.]
Fly, you dudes.
[Farts.]
Fly! Oh, I smell it all the way to here.
- [Gagging.]
- Whoo! - Oh, snap.
- Okay, careful, careful.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
I love you, guys! I love kissing those chicks, and I love D.
Q.
Blizzards.
- Stop it.
- Let's go to D.
Q.
Uh, I think we should probably back up.
It looks like they're gonna fall on us.
I'm gonna kiss you on the nape of your neck, girl.
- Yeah, yeah.
- That's right here.
- It's the sensual part.
- Yeah.
A little late, guys.
Our car is basically here.
Okay, damn it, damn it, we've got to get down there right now.
Then we've got to jump in the beer.
That's the only way we're gonna survive.
Adam, we jump in the beer, we ruin the beer, no chicks.
Oh, yeah.
Then we've got to jump in the street.
Are you kidding, Blake? It's too high.
And I'm just too horny.
- I'm too horny! - Yeah! Oh, my God! [All screaming.]
Oh! I broke a bone, but I grew a boner.
Who's next? [Panting.]
Horny! - [All screaming.]
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- What is going on? - Got a bad break.
So, we're doing this, huh? Right on.
I do it all for the nookie! - [All screaming.]
- [Screams.]
[All shouting.]
We did it, girls.
We got you beer.
So much.
So much beer.
We could've jumped into it, but we didn't, you know? So let's go get some ice and party.
- That is so crazy.
- Yeah.
It was, like, Steve-O hot.
[Giggling.]
I've been told I look like party boy.
- You do, dude.
[Chuckling.]
- Geronimo! - Don't! Don't do it! - No, don't jump! - No! - Don't do it! [All shouting.]
No, no, oh, no! - Ew, wha - I'm all good.
That is so gross.
Karl, you ruined everything.
Yeah, there's poop in his diaper.
Yeah, I pooped.
All my poop came out of my diaper.
- Ugh, let's go.
- Ew.
No, no, no, no, wait, wait.
I'm so horny now.
Your butt, your boobs, your mouth, it makes me so horny.
Yeah.
I'm sorry I was being mean.
You're obviously three beautiful girls.
I was just negging you, you know? You're probably too stupid to realize it.
- See, that was another neg.
- Yeah.
Yeah, like the game is from, like, 10 years ago.
That crap doesn't work anymore.
- No, it works.
- It works.
We wanted to party with you guys, but now we're missing our own party and we still don't have any beer.
- We can go buy you some.
- Yeah.
[Laughs.]
Too late.
All: No, no, no, wait! - [All groaning, wincing.]
- Oh, come on! Oh, please! [All shouting.]
Good evening.
I have a pickup for Haley.
Yeah, that's me.
- Please! - I swear to God, I will throw my dick at you.
[All groaning.]
Hey, guys! Come on in.
The beer feels fine.
Go! I was adjusting the gun.
[All grunting.]
I was adjusting my gun.
Oh, oh! And we've got a winner.
- Ah! - We have a clear winner.
- [Grunts.]
- Whoo! Whoo.
That doesn't seem fair.
- Who needs a pain killer? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, daddy does.
- Coming at you.
- Thirsty.
- Let me get one.
- Over the top.
Ooh, just what the doctor ordered.
[Chuckles.]
- Ooh, mama.
- Whoo! Yum, yum, yum, hey.
If you look on the bright side, you know, one in three girls have chlamydia anyway, so we really did dodge a dick bullet.
At the same time, though, it might have been worth it.
Probably would have been worth it.
Right? Because what is chlamydia when you think about it? - Just a long word.
- Yeah.
I'm proud of you, blazer.
Finally horned out.
You were a big time horny perv ball back there.
- Yeah.
- What can I say, man? - Very proud of you.
- Still rocking a bone.
Oh! I'll give you my Brazzers account.
- Get out of here.
- Yeah, I am.
- That's something I'm gonna do.
- That's the highest honor.
Okay, well, you guys aren't gonna see me for awhile.
- [Laughter.]
- Ladies and gentlemen, take a look out of the right hand side of the hot tub and you're probably gonna see some Hollywood royalty.
[Screaming.]
Ooh! Come on, man.
All right.
Let's give a big round of applause for academy award winner, Robin Williams.
- [Screaming.]
- Oh! [Imitating Mrs.
Doubtfire.]
It was a run-by fruiting! And another big wave to academy award winner, Pauly Shore.
- [Screaming.]
- Wheezing the juice! [Laughs.]
And, um Bradley Cooper! - [Screaming.]
- Oh, yeah! I accept that.
Welcome to our land.