Archer s04e09 Episode Script

What do you think you're doing? My job, Lana.
And what part of your job, exactly, is groping my ass? The part that calls for spycraft.
C'mon, we're posing as newlyweds-- Yeah, posing.
-- and I am drunk on nuptial bliss.
You're drunk on champagne.
Little column A, little column B.
Mrvit! Fine, but when you take my hand off your lately almost overly ample butt -- Odd choice of dying words I don't just question your commitment to the mission, Lana, I question your commitment to America.
Instead of feeling me up in the lobby -- Wait til we're in the room, got it.
-- what say we focus on the mission: catching the North Koreans who are in New York to buy enriched uranium.
Can't we do both? Can't you shut up? Can't you put a price tag on freedom? I mean you can't put a price tag on freedom.
Always never forget that.
Here's your key for the honeymoon suite, congratties, and if I could just get a credit card for the room and any incidentals, we'll be -- Broke, Jesus, the room's that much?! Is there a problem? Not if we're buying it as a condo.
I may have something a bit more in your price range basement okay? No it's not, because as love-besotted newlyweds we want the honeymoon suite.
And price range israngeless.
Archer?! Shhh, a few minutes more, darling, and you can have your way with me.
- Ugh, I wish - I know.
Soon.
Alrighty, and we are just all set.
Enjoy your stay.
Enjoy your stay? Oh, right, sorry! Enjoy your stay -- No no no - Mr.
and Mrs.
Archer! Ughhh, it's like my heart's being gripped by the icy fingers of some terrifying Ghost of Honeymoon Future.
Lana.
Lana! Lana!! C'mon, if you don't answer I'm gonna scream as loud as I possibly -- What?! I'm sorry, I meant "Mrs.
Archer.
" I heard you.
I apologize, madame, but -- For what, Dunkirk? Or that effeminate yet somehow condescending tone? - Damn, I'm sure my card was in here - Malory, please, allow me No no no, I'm -- Embarrassing yourself, dear.
Thank you, Trudy.
Oh man, this must be killing you! What, the salmonella dripping all over my desk? It's lamb, ding-dong, not salmon.
I -- I'm talking about Mr.
Archer and Lana! In a deluxe honeymoon suite! Oh for -- Pam, they're on a mission! Ary position! By now, since I bet they already did all the good ones Rrgh! Pam, they're -- Ungh ungh ungh ungh ungh ungh ungh ungh ungh ungh ungh ungh ungh.
Want some? I -- Psych! Okay, first of all, just shut up.
And second, I trust Lana completely.
Especially with regard to Archer.
She'd rather have sex with you.
Why, what'd she say?! And third, Lana's pretty satisfied in the old romance department.
- And the old accounting department - What's that? What's that? Well good thing you work at a spy agency! Miss Spy On People! What, I only watched for a second! You need medication, Pam! Pills! Big pills, like they use at the zoo! But we have to go now, the vet comes back from lunch in twenty minutes! Let's go, bitches! Tiger tranqs! We are not.
Breaking into the zoo.
To steal tiger tranquilizers.
Cyril, they have all kinds.
And I have to direct-deposit the annual bonuses, so if you two could go be crazy and horrible elsewhere? Like the Tuntmore Towers Hotel, where Lana's shacked up with Mr.
- Archer - Wait, what?! Yeah, we can see if he's into all that freaky gender-reversal stuff.
That -- wait, what?! Cyril.
I watched for more than a second.
I -- you -- Yeah, let's go down there! I own that dump, we can get a suite and totally spy on Mr.
Archer and -- Lana! Okay, I'm going with you.
Yeah whatever, but on the way we're -- Not swingin by the zoo.
Laaaaame.
What's lame, Archer? The fact that we're up against at least four highly-trained North Korean agents? Or the fact they've all got-- Peppercorns, Lana.
Well, I was gonna say Tokarevs and Shpagin-41 submachine guns, but yeah, let's go with peppercorns.
Thank you! Because without peppercorns, it's not steak au poivre.
It can't be.
By like, definition.
Archer, we're supposed to be stopping the North Koreans from buying part of a nuclear bomb, not ordering every single item on the room service menu -- Just the dinner menu.
-- pounding two three- hundred dollar bottles of Glengoolie Frickin Blue -- Two? I ordered three -- then passing out on the bed totally naked, for a -- what'd you call it? Power blackout.
And you're welcome.
Yeah thanks, the memory of your bare ass will bring me comfort and warmth during the coming nuclear winter.
Relax, it's North Korea.
The nationstate equivalent of the short-bus.
Nice.
What's nice is this hot tub.
Which get in, before you blow our cover, any more than you already have, by not performing your wifely duties.
Excuse me? You said my card was used at the Tuntmore Towers Hotel? This morning? Hm? Oh yes, I remember now.
Yes, yes, it's all fine, mmmmmkaybyebye.
I am literally going to kill him.
Well, figurative -- Literally! I'll lure him to my condo in Miami, drug his steak au poivre, drive him out to the Everglades, slather him with rancid chicken fat, and then toss him to the gators! - Pretty specific for a hypothetical - Oh, he is going to pay for this.
Literally.
Cyril? Cyril.
Ugh, fine! Then I'll do it! Are they doin it?! Are they bangin?! No, Pam, they are not "bangin.
" Well these ribs sure as hell are.
Oh my God, right? We should take some to the tigers! And miss these two doin it? - Oh my God, right - Will you hags stop it?! Look, there's nothing going on over there! Unless she's screaming at him to get it up.
She's not -- That's what she was screamin at you.
Okay, so I watched the whole thing.
Ugh, were you raised in a barn?! No.
I just slept out there a lot.
Sooo, you got an ETA on when you might possibly be ready to help? - Hard to say, really - Chi's taking her sweet time here.
Not criticizing, thorough is good.
Look, just gimme ten -- Twenty minutes, and -- Archer? I don't know how long the North Koreans will be out of their room, so while you ladies discuss the pros and cons of a clear coat -- You say that like there are cons.
I'll go be thorough at my job and plant the Geiger counter, so we know if and when the uranium shows up.
Do you even know if that thing works? Well, Pigley Three, that would certainly explain the glowing And probably a few other things.
Grunt.
Why do you let him push your buttons? Why not push his buttons? Because he has no buttons.
He's buttonless.
The only way to make him as crazy as he makes you, is to ha, ha, ha, haaaa.
Seriously Who are you, Van Cliburn? Knock off the tickling and work that shit.
Yeah, right? A baby could -- unghh! I'm sorry, Miss Tunt! Did that hurt? - Yesss - Cyril, they bangin yet? Wh-? No! Actually, Archer's alone Lana's either in the bathroom or Oh my God! What -- The hell is this bullshit?! What?! You say you want clear coat! Yeah, why not? I mean it's not like it hasn't crossed your mind, and you're not getting any younger, so -- Lanaaa! Jesus, what?! Is it the Koreans?! Only if they're who screwed me out of my bonus! Which would be weird! Your bonus?! If you could even call it that! What's yours, is it shitty?! Go online and check your bank account! Now.
When I'm suction cupped on a window, thirty stories above the ground.
Yeah, you should have five bars.
Okay so, it's gonna sound like I'm hanging up? But -- Lana.
Lana! Holy shit, I think she's gone rogue! But whoa, don't pack up.
My toes aren't gonna do themselves.
And even if you're not necessarily doing it for the right reasons, he's -- ARCHER Hey! Hey! Phone, gimme! Did you seriously climb all the way up here just to see what my bonus is? No, I sarcastically climbed all the way up here to see what your bonus is! He said, sarcastically! Phone! Okay, Jesus! Keep your voice Whoa.
Sucks, right? I mean that's not even -- remotely fair! What the shit?! Apparently we're in a crazy parallel universe, where bonuses are based on merit instead of whether or not you crawled out of your -- mother! Lanaaa! Archerrrrr! I'm comiiiiing! Phrasingboom! Lanaaaa! Aaaaaaaaagh! Wh-?! Woooohoohoohooooo! Ungh! - Oh my God Archer that was - A ninety-dollar manicure, I know.
And I couldn't care less, but Chi Lana, she worked really hard on it.
Oh man, they gotta bump uglies now! They -- wait, what?! Cyril, a near-death experience is like, the ultimate aphrodisiac! Penultimate.
The ultimate's doing it on top of a tranqed up tiger.
- So listen - No you listen, and then shut up -- You shut up, I was on the verge of -- Dying.
Making a -- Stain on the sidewalk.
Decision! So -- So since we're keeping score for bonus purposes, Lana! In addition to saving your life a gazillion times -- Since I started working at ISIS, I've been shot, stabbed, set on fire, poisoned, shot, sexually assaulted, partially chewed, shot, and declared legally dead! Twice on the same day! You said "shot" like three times.
That's just by you! Total it's more like holy shit, nineteen! And now you get your bonus and mine?! Archer, I didn't -- Do anything to deserve it! Exactly! And again, excuse me? There is no excuse for you.
Alrighty.
Think I made my decision.
And it is final.
Because I borrowed your credit card?! You didn't borrow it, you stole it! Little column A, little column -- Be advised! That until - I say otherwise, Mister Stickyfingers - Seriously, does this never dry? Lana is now agent-in-command! Wait, what? Yeah hang on, you're breaking up? So, my first command, as agent-IN-command, she said commandingly, is -- Get in my big ol vagina! I'm Lana! Okay, you know what? I am outta here! Oh my God, okay, you're abandoning the mission to go home and pout?! I'm not going home, I'm going down there to kick some Kim Jong Ass! Wh-? No! We're doing surveillance! Yeah, which is apparently French for just sitting around on your ass! Yeah, which is why it's surprising that you're so shitty at it! Wh-? No no no Archer don't -- Suck so hard! Rrrgh! Okay, c'mon, we're outta here.
What're you, nuts? Oh my God there's nuts in this?! Ugh, you're allergic to penicillin.
Oh right.
Aaand There's no penicillin in this -- Good, cause I'm allergic.
-- because why the hell would there be penicillin in chocolate mousse? God, gross! There's moose in this?! Not that kind of moose.
- Elk then, whatever, ugh - Look, you two stay if you want, I'm leaving.
There's no point spying on Lana, because I trust her completely.
And also because they're not even in there anymore? Little column A, little column B.
You are not jeopardizing this mission! No yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing.
Because your ego needs its own zip code! I meant I won't allow you! Allow me?! - I mean please, allow me - ISIS! Unghh! Wow, that's gotta hurt, huh? Archer No, obviously it hurts getting Tom Dempsey'd in - the tits like that - Archer.
But I meant watching me save your ass for the gazillion and one-th time.
Archer! She's in command.
Oh okay, so I guess you think this is my fault.
You guess? Well I'm not a mindreader, Lana! Silence! We deal with you soon enough! And by deal with, obviously, he means -- Shoot.
I mean, I assume.
And negativity is infectious, by the way.
You're the agent-in-command, Lana, you should be focused on keeping my morale -- Hi, excuse me? Could you go ahead and shoot one or both of us now? Also a good leader is never sarcastic.
Oh, we don't shoot you! After mission finish, we take you back to glorious Democratic People's Republic of Korea! Oh, then do go ahead and shoot us.
Archer! What Lana, it's none of those things! Not democratic, not a republic, and definitely not glorious! Jesus, - watch Frontline once in your life - This ISIS camera, yes? - Uh - Yes! And as all North Koreans know, cameras steal your soul, so -- It is your Indians who think that! Wow, okay, so since we're being racist! Cyril! Don't leave, it's on! What do you? On as in how on?! On as in on on.
On as in "hot Asian group sex" on - Thricely redundant - Give me those! Oh my God! We've gotta do something! It's rosemary-mint.
Why? Why did you say that? To lure them closer.
Well it worked.
- Yeah, they really hate the Japanese - You better have a plan.
Me? Lana, you're agent-in-command.
Archer? No, I just don't wanna step on your -- Toes! Gaagh! Nailed it boom! How did you? ARCHER; Do you have any idea how many times I've had to get out of handcuffs?! Lana! Whew! Well, thank God you've been arrested so many times.
Arrested? I -- look, whatever, thanks, that was actually pretty impressive.
Well not really, I thought this was the door to the hallway.
Sooo Do you think there's thirty stories' worth of towels in here? C'mon Figgis, Lana's in trouble, so you just gotta man up and ooh! Aw, man am I missing all the hot Asian group action? No, nobody's doing anything Well, Lana's destroying the toilet.
- Join the club - That's what you get for eating elk.
Uh, couple things One, we've got about thirty seconds before the door is matchsticks.
Two, you're never gonna break that win -- What was that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of your wrongness.
It's okay, I'll skip ahead to three, which is now what, idiot?! Because I left my jetpack in my other pants! I -- we can signal to somebody or-- Like who, a blimp captain?! No, like -- holy shit, is that Cheryl? What the hell's she doin-- Suppressing fire Extinguisher!! Is that -- Cyril?! Lanaaaaaaaaa! I'm coming, Cyril! Lana wait! Bet that's the first time you ever said that.
Right? Okay, now we can go.
Ya know? Go! Rrrgh! What the -- Cyril! Smoke fiiiiight! Woohoohoohooooo! Ugh, no way, that is so unfair! What, are they bangin?! They will be Raves make everybody horny.
And that! Is for ruining! My fake honeymoon! Ungh! Oof! Archer wait, it's me! I know! Oof! And this is for the Pueblo! Cyril, hit the deck! Wait, why just Cyri-- Get some you sons of bitches.
Get some! - Aw man, I totally missed it - Oh my God, the toilet?! No! Jesus.
Although it is clogged.
- Wow, Lana, that was - Right? Totally passive-aggressive.
No, that was active-aggressive! Because you ruined the mission! Yeah, you jerk.
And why the hell are you here?! Uh, police scanner?! Cyril.
Well, ya know, I mean you two, all alone in the honeymoon suite Oh my God.
Well you can forget about the huge decision I made, that you know nothing about, because I just unmade it.
I -- What was that all about? - Ohh, wouldn't you like to know - Do you? No.
Malory, you cannot be serious! I know, I'm sorry, it's because I use humor as a coping mechanism.
I meant -- And so, while I think it's hilarious that your bonuses will now be used to pay this ridiculous hotel bill Which somebody could make go away with a snap of her bony fingers! Ugh! I told you, I have to answer to my board of directors! I don't, at all.
Do you even know what that is? I don't, at all.
I just can't seem to find the humor in what should have been a simple mission turning into a total farce! It wasn't -- Lana.
It was by definition a farce.
Capped off by the fact that no one thought to stick around and catch the madman selling the uranium! Lana was in command.
Yes, was.
Lucky for the madman.
Whoever he was Aww, maaaan Well there goes my master plan! Yeah, get in there, eat 'em up.
God knows you earned it.