Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s04e09 Episode Script

1 And what's your doctor's name? Kevorkian, okay.
Oh my gosh.
Gather around everybody I have a little announcement to make.
Okay, bye.
Come here, come here, quick, quick, quick, hurry.
Come here, come, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Who wants to go see a remount of Andrew fucking Lloyd Webber's Cats this weekend? - (GASPS) - Ooooh.
MEREDITH: I'm freaking out.
I'm freaking out.
Two tickets, which means I can only bring one of you.
I know, I can't choose.
I love Cats.
- Me too.
- I'm totally free this weekend.
- MEREDITH: Really? - How are we going to decide? - Totally.
- Do we have to decide? Only one ticket? KEITH: It's my birthday today.
Oh today.
It's so hard to know.
It's my anniversary next week.
You don't get out very much.
And I think we should be fair, you know, decide who likes Cats the most.
KEITH: I love Cats.
- Keith loves Cats.
- It's true.
Aurora, you haven't had a night out in a while.
That's true.
I don't even like musicals but I'd go.
You would? Oh yeah, I mean, I-I like musicals.
You know, I like, I-I know this one.
I love T.
S.
Eliot.
I am free tonight.
That's who it's based, you know I'm free.
("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch Rolling in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds it's just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Baroness Von Sketch Show - S04E09 My Instagram is Suffering (FOG HORN BLARING) All right, turning! (IN UNISON) Turning! (CHEERING) Pot hole.
(IN UNISON) Pot hole.
Gravel to your right! Gravel! (IN UNISON) Gravel! Come on, come on, come on, you can do it! Slowing! (IN UNISON) Slowing! CAROLYN: A 100 kilometres to go! BIKER: A 100 kilometres! (IN UNISON) 100 kilometres.
Bailing! (IN UNISON) Bailing! - Thanks anyway, man.
- Bailing! - CAROLYN: Bailing.
- AURORA: Bailing.
JENNIFER: Getting nachos! Beers on me! CAROLYN: Like this charity doesn't need us, right? MEREDITH: No, no they'll be fine without us.
CAROLYN: Yeah, they'll be fine without us.
Oh and, uh, just some sparkling water for me.
Me too.
- Ah.
- Ah.
So um, so listen, I, uh, I saw on your profile that, um, Silent Spring is one of your fave books.
Yes it is.
Mine too.
- Oh my God, right.
- Right.
Yeah I don't know, it taught me a lot.
You know, I think the way we try to commodify nature like it's our own personal property is, is just wrong.
I mean-I mean, it's, it's biology, you can't play God.
- I totally agree.
- Great.
I've been trying to make people understand this and, you know, you say it to them and they nod and they agree.
- But they just they don't No.
- They don't care, right! They keep thinking about me, me, me, like what can I buy next? What, what crazy selfish lifestyle can I lead that's going to bankrupt the world? - Wow, okay.
- What? - You're not going to believe this.
- Okay, try me.
The title of my master's thesis was Bankrupting the World, the Moral Debt of Western Civilization.
- You're kidding me? - I'm not kidding you.
- You're kidding me? - No, I'm not Oh my God, I didn't think I'd be able to talk about this stuff - on a first date.
- Me neither.
Wow it is amazing to find someone who also thinks we should ban abortion WOMAN: Factory farming.
Oooh whoa! Whaa-ah? Whoa, whoa, no.
Yeah.
Okay, okay, okay hang on, hang on.
Okay, complete this sentence, my vagina is A possession which you give in to the keeping of your alpha male.
Wow, Bumble really needs to up their screening.
Yeah, they do.
Okay I guess we should just - Fuck.
- Get the bill, Christ almighty! - Get the bill! - What are you thinking? Why would you-what do you want the bill for? No! We're going to get the bill! - God! - Fine, get the bill.
WOMAN: You know what, nice to meet you, never call me.
- Hey.
- SON: Hey.
- How ya doing? - SON: Good.
- You having a good time? - SON: Yeah.
- Everyone is being nice? - Yeah.
Yeah, and they're all letting you play with them? Yeah, they're nice.
Oh good, so nobody's bullying you, are they? No one's ever bullied me.
Are you sure? 'Cause if they do, I would just go over there and I would set them straight.
- Mom, no.
- Are you sure? 'Cause look at her.
- I'm sure.
- Look at the tall one.
Look at her with the mean sneakers, what about her? Ugh! I love you.
Wow, oh wow, what do you think you're doing? Mom! What I dare you, I dare you to start something with my kid.
- I want you to! - Mom! - I want you to! - Mom! Yes? - I love you - I love you.
But we talked about this.
You keep doing this and no one ever wants to play with me.
Hey, can we have our ball back.
I will fuck you up! You understand me? SON: Okay, we're leaving.
We're leaving! You need a time out and a juice box! Come on! MOM: I think that went well.
You are fantastic at soccer.
And then she didn't want to dance and I'm like, baby you need to, you're such a good dancer.
- No I'm not.
- You are.
Oh God, you're hilarious.
I'm so glad you two found each other, you know.
Yeah I kind of like her.
Look at that smile, look at the two of you, just looking at each other, so in love, you know, just sharing a mo, does that feel good? Mom.
I'm sorry, I just I just get so caught up in your love sometimes and I feel like I have another daughter.
Thanks.
MOM: A daughter who fucks my daughter.
Okay.
My two fucking daughters, that's funny.
Mom.
I've crossed a line, I know when to step back.
I just started volunteering at PFLAG, did you know what? Yep, told us many times.
Yeah, at least once a day.
It stands for parents and friends of lesbians and gays.
- Yeah, we know.
- We know.
MOM: Yeah and, you know, speaking of parents, you know, you two have been together for quite a while now, I should probably meet your folks, why don't we have them over? We'll have them over for dinner, I'll make a roast, we Mom that's really nice but I, no, I don't think it's a good idea.
No? Why not? GIRLFRIEND: Just my parents don't know I'm a lesbian.
Oh you haven't told them? They suggested that I go back to Mexico to meet the right kind of man.
I think by now they just really want to lock me in a convent.
Well, if you were in the convent you'd have access to a whole lot of puss.
Okay.
MOM: Just get down in that puss, I just, ah, how does it work down there? It doesn't matter, not my Okay, Mom, we talked about this.
Okay, thank you.
Anyway, it's hard to come out to a parent, it really is.
I mean not everyone has a mom like me.
Yeah, I didn't want to come out to you.
MOM: You didn't want to come out to me? Why wouldn't you want to come out to me? Uh, 'cause I knew you'd make it all about you.
MOM: Why would you think that I'd turn it around and make it about me? I-I, sorry, I just need to process this for a little bit.
If I came out to my family, my mom would fly into hysteria, and my dad would just start yelling, (SPEAKING SPANISH) and then they would literally disown me.
Oh, wow, okay.
God I'm jealous.
Oh my God.
MOM: We never got to have that May.
You know, we never clashed mother and daughter, head to head, - yelling at each other, - Mom.
going I hate you! I hate you! Mom! Sorry, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry I never yelled at you in Spanish.
Okay.
MOM: I never lost it in another language, she has to struggle, you never got to struggle, you never got to see me rip up your graduation photo, and storm out, threaten to kill myself.
Okay Mom, yeah okay, have fun with that.
You're, uh, you going to come watch me in the parade though, right? I mean, I will be with PFLAG.
Whoever is doing it, its got to get done in thirty minutes.
Understand? Okay.
Well, okay, do you Hi.
What does she want done? I'll do it.
I've got no problem doing it.
You have no idea what it is she just It doesn't even matter, if you want that corner office, you got to lean in, you got to say yes to everything.
That's the trend.
That's what power women do, and I'm gonna do it, and I'm gonna get ahead.
So that's it.
I'll do it.
Oh but she just wanted - Do you want me to staple this paper? - No.
- Look I did it.
- Thank you.
- Want me to hole punch this TMS report? - Sure.
Hole punch, hole punch, hole punch, guess what, I just did it.
You want me to sharpen this goddamn pencil? Not a problem, look at this, sharpen, sharpen, sharpen.
It's broken.
I will do it.
You want me to mop the floor, look at this, I'm mopping.
AURORA: Oh oh, that floor is carpet.
Fine.
Look at this, I'm a human vacuum, I'm going to get down here, I'm gonna suck it up myself.
JENNIFER: I don't think Sheryl Sandberg sucked carpet.
I think she did.
She wants me to shred this paper? - Is that what she wants? - We don't have a shredder.
We've got one now.
I'm doing it.
That's my baby's birth certificate.
Beep beep beep, call your baby, tell her No.
My baby doesn't like the sound of the phone ringing.
She wants me to run into this wall, look, I'll do it.
Oh, nobody is asking you to do this I just did it.
Do you want me to fire Sheila? I like her.
It's a little bit rude but we'll see what happens.
Sheila I'm really sorry to tell you this but you're fired.
I have a baby.
Do you want me to draw on my face with this marker? Huh? Look at me, lalalalala lalala, I'm doing it.
That's a lot of contour.
- You want me to eat this lotion? - No.
Oh we haven't wanted you to do any of the things you've done in the last four minutes, so, no.
You want an office mascot, I'll do it! SHEILA: Sure.
- Yeah, actually that would be cool.
- Something vertebrate.
But maybe as long as it's not a lobster.
- Yeah.
- Office Lobster! Shit.
You want me to be an office lobster DJ? - No.
- I'll do it! - (DANCE MUSIC) - Get those hands up! Get those hands up! Office Lobster in the house.
An O - (IN UNISON) Do it! - O! You want me to have a heart attack? You want me to have a heart attack? Ah, 'cause I'll do it.
I'm doing it! I'm dead.
I've died.
Did you get me my tea latte? - Oh I didn't do it.
- Ah.
- No I - We just didn't do it.
I'll do it! Like your initiative kid, corner office is all yours.
- (ENERGETIC DANCE MUSIC) - I DID IT!!!! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Just, hey.
Hey.
- Oh, I thought you were going to - I just, all right.
I can - Oh.
- Oh.
- Sorry.
Go over, oh.
- Oh.
See I thought then we were deciding on Mmmm.
Oh.
Sorry.
WOMAN: Oh your beard sort of tickles my face.
Oh it makes me feel weird.
Sorry, I guess we should have, uh, tried this out before we got married.
Yeah.
(AWKWARD CHUCKLES) Just, boop! Oooh that does not bode well for the honeymoon.
Just ah Let's just do it like we do it at home.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Mm mm mm mm.
- Let me undo your pants and - Heyo.
MEREDITH: This is incredible, I am so jealous of your plants.
- Oh.
- Look at them, I can't keep anything alive to save my life.
Oh, I just give them a lot of love.
I mean you can say that but I want to know how, like please tell me, my Instagram is suffering, - I could impress some people.
- AURORA: Oh no no no no, I-I mean just that, like I give them a lot of love.
Like water and fertilizer and we're giving No.
Just, you watch.
Okay, like, um, like this little guy is just starting out so she needs a lot of, a lot of love.
Okay.
You are so beautiful, and you get more beautiful every single day.
I love you.
MEREDITH: That's it? That's all you do? No no of course not, you know, love is really complex and Tell me about it.
Well I have a different relationship with each plant.
- Like Mona here - Yeah.
She needs some tough love, so you have to be like, oh my God, you're so strong, and you're so smart.
Hm.
That's something.
What you're doing is something else.
Oh and then you get really playful, like, ouchy, ooh, stop it Daddy, ooh ooh.
So that's what you do then? That's good.
- Yeah.
- Berate plants.
- You know what? - No.
You should try it.
No I'm okay.
Come down here and just give a little compliment to my succulent.
Ah, that makes me feel funny.
Okay.
- Just do it.
- I'm trying.
Yeah.
- This is the house of yes.
- Yes.
- Here we go.
- She's going to love it.
- Ah, you have a wonderful shape - Yeah.
- Like something I've never seen.
- Yeah.
It's like you're from space heaven.
Okay, keep going with that, get dirty, get dirty with it.
- I want to suck you.
- Oooh.
I'm going to suck on you hard, bitch.
Okay she-she's getting really thirsty I can tell so just spray her down with this.
Is she? I'm gonna, oooh oooh oooh oooh.
- Are you wet? - Oh that's right, get all wet.
You like it all wet? Your leaves are just dripping with it, you smell like plant privates.
Oh look at the water just dripping down.
You smell like the earth had balls.
- I'm just going to - and full and Oh you just love all that moisture, get in there.
Oh yeah.
Holy fuck, what, what? (GARBLED) What? What is going on? - Oh my God.
- (GARBLED) I'm so sorry.
Get it out of your mouth.
(GARBLED) Replant this in a new pot.
Just give it to me, give it to me.
It could grow again real simple, real fast, real quick.
How about you let me worry about how I'm going to take care of my plants, and you leave my house right now.
But I just have to say one thing.
(WHISPERS) Call me.
- Get out.
- What? I am so sorry.
I had no idea that she was into the rough stuff.
You never told me that you That you like that stuff 'cause, uh, you don't look that torn up about it, this is a pretty clean break.
Welcome everyone, welcome to group.
It's so nice to see so many new faces, as we remember why the old faces are not here tonight.
Okay, so when you're supporting someone through an illness, it's important to remember the circles of support.
So at the centre is the person experiencing the illness.
Oh that's my friend Judy, that's and I'm Vicky.
Yeah, yeah, she's sick and I'm not sick.
MODERATOR: Okay, good to know.
Okay, hi Judy, hi Vicky, welcome.
Okay, so the person at the centre, when they need to cry or be angry or whatever, they can unload those feelings on the people closest to them.
People in the first ring, that would be people like a spouse, like a close family member or a best friend.
VICKY: Oh oh that's me, that's me, yeah yeah yeah.
I don't want to be this but I want to be this one.
Right there, that's me, yeah, hi Vicky, hi.
Oh we should do this now Judy, sorry about this.
Judy's husband got freaked out because, you know, of all the sickness and the smell, which is bad, and then you got also get in and go ppbsst, and you got to wipe that right in there.
So he left her.
That makes me, bam, best friend, number one circle, right here, first tier, boo, dab.
Yeah.
Okay, okay, okay, thank you very much Vicky, that's enough.
There's um, there's a system.
Okay, so people here in this first ring, they can unload whatever they like to people in the second ring, that would be people like other family, other friends or even an acquaintance.
Uh, are there any second ringers here? Hey, I'm, uh, I'm Annie, I'm here with Emily and, um, I'm a neighbour and I just sort of, um, help out when her sister can't be there.
So I don't know if I'm second ring or third ring or Oh you're second ring.
You're second ring, come on.
That's good, second stringer, you know your place, right, 'cause I'm best and you're second best.
- We're not really here to compare.
- VICKY: No, third best.
No no it's not, it's not a ranking.
Don't sell yourself short, you're second best, yeah.
And you're second best, and you're second best for sure.
And should you even be here? I'm very sick.
Okay, okay, okay, so I just would like to remind everyone, but particularly you Vicky, that the reason that we do this circle is to make things easier on the person who is sick because it is toughest on them.
Exactly.
It is so tough to take care of Judy.
But you know what's going to bring my mood around? A good old cup of tea.
Okay, sickies, you stay here, and, uh, all the ringers come on with me, come on, let's go make me a cup of tea.
This is a skill you're going to need, all right, so come on.
- Sorry, I'm - It's fine.
Don't freak out, okay.
Um, are you confident you have the most supportive person with you? Listen, she has a car with super comfy heated seats and she drives me everywhere.
I have saved a fortune on taxis.
Fair enough.
It's always the assholes that have the nice car, huh.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know, no one knows the suffering that I'm going through.
(EXHALES DEEPLY) To be, or not to be that is the question, whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows.
HUSBAND: Ah babe, I'm so sorry to interrupt but this isn't really what I had in mind when I agreed to role play.
Well I think you need to be a little more open to non-traditional casting.
Yeah I know but I just thought, you know, like a sexy nurse or a sexy police No, I was born to play the great roles.
Sexy Hamlet, sexy Lear.
Okay, okay, we'll go from the top.
Back to once okay.
Actually, you know what, try this time with the Scottish accent.
Okay, good.
- (WITH SCOTTISH ACCENT) - To be or not to be Oh yeah, oh there it is.
(WITH SCOTTISH ACCENT) That's a question.
Okay, yeah.
(WITH SCOTTISH ACCENT) Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous Yeah yeah, get down to it.
It's outrageous the fortune, what a shitty fortune.
Yeah yeah yeah.
Oh oh, yeah yeah, oh, oh my Scot, oh yeah.
(WITH SCOTTISH ACCENT) Alas eunuch, I knew him so well 'cause I fucked him! - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh (EDGY ELECTRONICA MUSIC) We're in, initiating phase three.
Well I've got two minutes to disable the central security system before our position is compromised.
Oh good thing we have the best hacker in North America.
- Mouse.
- Yes! You're up.
I can't wait to watch this guy work.
Da! I hear he's like some kind of wizard.
How long do we have? One minute, twelve seconds.
This is going to be tight.
Ahhhh, S, ahh, what is that letter? E, there it is, beside the, double C, where's the CAROLYN: What? What are you doing man, type faster.
Okay, C, got it, I'm typing.
- What are you doing? - No, type faster I never learned to type that's the thing so - You're a hacker! - Thirty seconds.
Yes, yes I am.
There's a U here somewhere, if I could just find you, U! - Right next to the Y, yeah.
- Are you kidding me? - Found it.
- We're dead.
(ALARMS BLARING) Oops I just, I made a mistake, hold one, delete, delete, delete, delete.
I'm just going to have a do over on this one.
We're dead.
What are you doing? Don't just sit there.
The Montgomery's are coming over for dinner.
It's one o'clock.
Yeah, which means we have five hours to figure out how to talk to them.
Why do you think that's going to be an issue? Because you know who they voted for? No they did not.
MR.
MONTGOMERY: They absolutely did, I saw their lawn sign.
Well why are we even going over there? We've unfriended everybody else because of politics.
Okay I know.
Okay, just write down politics and religion, those are just the baseline.
Oh, oh, I know, kids.
We can talk about our kids.
Kids, school, education, sex ed.
- Ah, nope nope.
Okay.
- God.
- (LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL) - Hockey.
- Okay, hockey! Sports! - Okay.
NFL, anthem protests.
Shit! Nope.
Fonts, no they hate Comic Sans.
Font, no.
Comic Sans.
The weather.
Really? What's with all this weird weather we've been having lately? Well obviously it's global.
Shit! Pets.
We have a dog, they have a dog.
A dog that is not spade.
- Oh you've got to be kidding me! - I'm not kidding.
WIFE: Home shopping network? - Capitalism.
- Ah.
MR.
MONTGOMERY: Space? No, I heard them talking about the flatness of the earth one time, and I don't even want to go there.
HUSBAND: Sushi! - Oh, over fishing of the oceans.
- Ugh.
MRS.
MONTGOMERY: Uh, music! - MR.
MONTGOMERY: Nickelback.
- Ugh.
HUSBAND: Outpatient surgeries? If you bring up that ugly thing on your foot, I will divorce you.
MR.
MONTGOMERY: Now look at the time honey, we got to go.
We got to go.
Oh God, we got to go, we got to go.
Okay.
- (PHONE CHIME) - Oh shit, that's the Montgomery's.
They're on their way, all right, all right, all right, all right.
We got ten minutes to wipe down this entire house with wet toilet paper, go.
(LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL) So, ah Thank you for having us.
HUSBAND: What a wonderful evening? MRS.
MONTGOMERY: Yes.
(INHALES DEEPLY) - Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
Yes, bye.
- We'll, we'll just take these.
- Yeah.
I think that went really well.
That was amazing.
Nailed it! - I love you.
- Oh I love you.