Childrens Hospital (2010) s04e09 Episode Script

Well, I have some good news, and I have some bad news.
Bad news is, the cancer has spread to the brain.
The good news is, it's carnivale! It just feels so right to be back together again.
Why did we ever break up in the first place? I don't know.
Oh -- I cheated on you a number of times.
Right.
Well, mister, if you cheat on me one more time, I will not repeat this cycle of abuse and trust yet again.
She has daddy issues.
Maxine.
Luckily, our father died before he could destroy my confidence and perfect looks.
What are you doing here, Maxine? Why are you dressed like a doctor? Because I suddenly am one, proving once again that I can do anything you can do -- only prettier.
Hi.
I'm Dr.
Maxine Spratt, Lola's much younger sister.
You're supposed to show me the ropes today? That's a coincidence because I showed old Lola the ropes here about 10 years ago.
I'll be better at it -- smarter, prettier, more confident.
You know the drill by now.
So, where are these ropes? They're by the tomahtoes.
I feel weird about doing this in front of the patient.
I mean, the poor girl was abandoned here this morning.
We don't even have a name.
Don't worry.
She's in a coma.
Yeah.
Well, what about Blake? Blake, Glenn and I are going out.
Do you know what that means? Well, yeah, sort of.
I mean, kids today say they're going out, but what does that even mean, you know? It's like, "Where are you going?" "Out.
" "What are you doing?" "Nothing.
" Stop me when I start to sound like my Uncle Leo.
No, I mean, do you know what that means for you and me? We're breaking up.
Oh.
Well, that is unexpected -- mostly because we weren't dating.
- Wait -- were we dating? - Goodbye, Blake.
Oh, man.
Uh, sidebar, if I may? Permission granted.
She's gone.
Sy, what's all this? In a nutshell -- years ago, my ex-wife and I were a covert team of assassins for a secret government agency.
- Got it.
- I hated the life and got out.
My wife went rogue.
That's not good.
She pledged she'd kill me by my 60th birthday, which is today, so I'm installing this hospital-wide security system.
Oy, Sy.
Happy birthday.
I have to needlepoint you something.
I'm a 42 short.
So, every 10 minutes, the alarm goes off, and then you have 10 seconds to press this button, or the patient will die.
Well, what does the button do? I don't know.
You're the doctor.
Yes, I am a doctor.
And this job seems more suited to a monkey or a common nurse in a zoo.
Ohh! Fine! I'm sorry I called you a monkey.
Look, we go through a lot of intense stuff here every day, so let's just chalk it up to that and move on.
Okay.
Cool.
Remember, every 10 minutes.
Oh.
10 minutes.
And done.
We have to find our missing coma girl.
I mean -- wait.
Blake's watching.
Put your hand down my pants or something.
What?! No! What is your deal with Blake, anyway? I mean, how could you guys date without him even knowing it? We never dated.
I just told him we did so I could have the fun of breaking up with him.
He's looking again.
Justgive me a hickey.
Oh, fine.
This used to be us.
When? Well, unless I miss my guess, this is Lyme disease.
I agree -- she's not good enough for you.
- Huh? - What? Oh.
Sorry.
When you said "disease" I thought you said "Lola" and I just discovered a cure.
Me.
Damn! Whoo! Ugh! Too close, Lola.
Too close.
All right, Dori.
I'm finished.
Now, where are we with the extra security guards I ordered? There's one in front of each -- Double them.
Let me finish!! Sorry.
Thank you.
Before you interrupted me, I was going to say, there's one in front of each door.
Thank you.
Double them.
Hey, Sy these wires have been cut.
She's already here.
Wow! You called for me, pretty doctor? Yes, Chet.
I need you to press this button every 10 minutes.
I'll pay you.
Oh.
With kissies? With money.
W-will you at least give the money kissies? Yeah.
Yeah.
Whatever.
Whatever.
Whatever.
She'll do whatever.
She'll do whatever.
I feel like if you guys hadn't been making out, the patient wouldn't have slipped away.
We weren't making out.
Val, I'm starting to think that you're messing with my head.
Ohh! Well, Blake's been punched.
Uh, good.
So, what do you say you and I -- Yes.
Set him up in the room, put fake blood in his mouth and on the bed, and convince him that he ate the patient.
Or I was gonna say hang out, but, you know, okay.
Yeah.
Hey.
What the hell?! Ohh! Well, Blake's been punched again.
Thoughts? I feel kind of weird about this.
Yeah, it's really weird to just stare at each other for so long.
I'm just really good at it.
No, I feel kind of weird because of Lola.
You're obsessed with my sister! Okay.
Look, I'm gonna level with you, Owen.
When Lola was born, God said, "Unh-unh.
Do-over.
I said in my image.
" And then he got straight to work on this business right here.
Now kiss me! Attention, staff.
Will Chet the paramedic please stop whatever he's doing and report to the E.
R.
? Damn it! The button! Ugh! Oh aahh! Okay, what?! Oh, God.
Oh, come on! This is a children's hospital! Move it! Ohhh! This is really pushing my buttons.
But it is.
Valerie, Blake is never gonna believe that he ate this girl.
I know.
We'll hide her under the bed and we'll coat the inside of his mouth with food.
That way, he has a taste in his mouth.
Do you have food on you? I have breath mints and half a hot dog.
Which one do you think tastes more like people? Hot dog, but there's a larger issue here.
You're clearly obsessed with Blake.
I mean, sure, you make fun of him, but you're logging a lot of hours doing it.
And now she's gone again.
The hospital is currently on lockdown.
If you are seen leaving the room you are in, you will be fired.
I wonder if that's a size 4.
Hmm.
Awesome.
No! No, Maxine, I can't do this.
Lola's my girlfriend.
Plus, it's worth mentioning that your mouth tastes like people.
What kind of mints do you use? Hot-dog mints.
Why? Oh, Owen.
You're choosing that over me? Yes, Maxine.
Lola is the one for me.
Sure, you're prettier and you're smarter, and you're probably a better doctor, and you're younger and you're interesting Can I help you, little girl? Ohhh.
So, when your mother said she "lost the baby," she really meant she gave it to the agency to program in order to activate to kill me on my 60th birthday.
You look a lot like her.
This is no life for a little girl.
You should be in a playground, being pushed on a swing by your daddy.
And here's the worst part -- you're never gonna have a chance to tell your mom that I said hello.
And you're fun and I'm happier when I'm around you than I am when I'm with Linda.
"Lola.
" Oh! Ugh! Damn! I really wanted to see where this was going.
Got to go.
And you're funny, we like to watch the same TV shows, and you don't wear those stupid glasses that she wears.
What? I don't get it.
There are no wires? What? This button wasn't even connected to anything.
Or perhaps it was connected to everything.
What? How did -- well, how are you? Everything is connected, Lola.
There can be no loose ends.
Maybe everything starts out connected, and life is about trying to remember that.
I've realized it now.
I'm in love with you.
But the only way I can express myself is by doing really weird things to your mind.
I know that now.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
Ugh! Maybe we all started out connected.
And we're just trying to get back there.
N-no, no, no.
Let's not ruin this.
I'm so sorry.
It's fine.
Aaaaaah! Dori.
Dori! It's okay.
It's all right.
This is my daughter.
I did this.
Let me guess -- your wife sent her to kill you in her place? Well, that's exactly right.
Oh, that reminds me -- I just needlepointed you a new tweed jacket.
Thank you.
Attention, staff.
Remember, this is all taking place in a Puerto Rican midget's fart.