Cougar Town s04e09 Episode Script

So what'd you think of "Inception"? What the hell was that? And here we go.
If someone could go into your dreams, then they should do something nice, like make me stop dreaming of having sex with that neck tattoo guy at your bar.
You dream about him? No.
Can you at least tell me if "Titanic" guy was really with his kids at the end of the movie, or was he still just dreaming? I mean, did the top stop spinning or not? The movie is open-ended.
You get to decide for yourself what happened.
We don't hit when we're frustrated.
I don't like open-ended movies.
That's why I never liked "Grease.
" How is "Grease" open-ended? Where do they go in the flying car, Travis? I mean, do they live in space now? Yep.
That's what "Grease 2" was about-- "Grease" in space.
"Grease 2.
Grease in space" we're doing the hand jive with the alien race blast away, away with me we're summer lovin' in antigravity Grease in space Oh! Man, I keep getting this sharp pain in my stomach.
I don't have to worry, right? Cancer! My friend Nezzie had stomach pains she ignored, and then she had a baby in contempo casuals.
She didn't keep the kid, but they did make her buy the miniskirt that she got placenta on.
You should definitely tell that story when you host the white trash awards.
Anyway, already called the window doctor.
Morning.
Let's, uh, check your temperature.
All right.
Mm.
Isn't this great? We don't ever have to call a real doctor anymore.
Uh, I'm-- I'm still a real doctor.
Okay.
Yeah.
Ellie, now that Laurie and wade live together, there's a new couple for our dinner rotation.
I say all six of us go out tonight.
Oh, tonight would be a perfect night for me not to do that.
Yeah, I'll pass, too.
You're both going.
Tom, my heart is not in my under-boob.
Oh, sorry.
Do you have that urine sample? Oh.
Yeah, right here.
You have clean urine in your fridge? Where were you when I applied for that job at Walmart? Hmm.
One of these is chicken broth.
Oh, well, test them both.
Sweet.
There's dinner.
What the hell was that? You're getting landlined.
Nobody calls your home phone anymore unless the shizz is sup serious.
Hello? Grab a table, babe.
I'll be right over.
Ah! Look who got a new girlfriend.
Nah, bro.
It's just the first date.
I always seem to get hung up on one chick, you know? But this time, I don't want anything serious.
I just wanna slay some ass.
Ooh, quick tip-- guys who slay ass never say "slay ass.
" I don't think you can pull off being a player.
You've always been sort of an insta-committer.
I mean, you had a girl move in with us at 5 years old after one playdate.
That's because she said her mom was an alien.
I had to save her.
But never again, okay? From now on, I'm a player.
There's no "R.
" It's playa! Uh-oh.
Landlined.
I hope no one died, because I don't have a dark suit.
Hello? Who wants to go carry an old man? Just throw him on the couch.
Watch your hands, Torres.
You touch me there again, we're gonna have to move to a blue state and get married.
It's the only place I can get a grip.
Nothing on your body is where it's supposed to be.
This would be a lot easier if we had a wheelchair.
Uhh! I don't need a damn wheelchair.
It's just a little ankle fracture.
I was barebacking Annabelle, and she bucked me off.
Ooh! Attaboy, chick-a-boom! Get you some! Annabelle's my horse.
Oh, man.
Love is blind.
Okay, here's some chips, soda oh, and the remote.
Now don't be a pain in the ass.
I'm not your servant.
I'm so excited my dad's here.
Then why are you acting so me-ish? My dad won't let anyone take care of him.
So to take care of him, you have to pretend you're not taking care of him.
If I ever get in an accident, I want you to take care of me.
What is she doing? Is she praying for you to get in an accident? It's my stomach.
It's just that I don't want to look stupid when the pain hits, so I'm t-boning.
Tebowing.
A year late, and you're still wrong.
Ooh! Yeah! Close me out, barkeep.
This is a Hogwarts ID.
Yeah, I'm just pretending to pay, dude.
Player move! Trav I'm not great with the gals, but I bet you dad number two over here can give you some pointers.
You just say the word, and I'll teach you how to stop thinking with your heart and start thinking with your disco stick.
I think I'm good.
Baby, my parents are so excited we're driving to The Keys tomorrow to meet them.
Oh! I can't wait! Teach me.
Trav wants to be a player now? That is just wrong.
It's like when Jewel released that pop album.
Be real, girlfriend! You have a snaggletooth, and you play acoustic! Uh, why are you so worried about Travis? All right, let the kid have his fun.
Yeah, let the boy tap some ass! Sorry.
Trying to say "ass" but in a cool way.
I am dying.
Where's Jules? Landlined.
Hello? Okay.
Don't you say it.
Your friends aren't gonna make it.
- Should I remove these seats? - Should I remove your nuts? Oh, it's not you.
She's just a horrible person.
Hey, we don't need Jules and Grayson.
We have plenty to talk about.
You know, they just invented a realistic sex robot in Japan.
Lot of talk on the internet about whether or not it's cheating.
I'm gonna go to bathroom before I kill myself.
What are you doing here? I'm in the bathroom.
How's it going with your dad? Oh, it's awesome.
That's how people who won't use crutches get up the stairs.
I'm still a man, damn it! Jules, I got your test results.
You have a kidney stone.
I have only been with Grayson.
Not an STD.
Okay.
Well, great.
So what now? You'll pass it eventually, but kidney stones are really painful.
I birthed Travis' giant square head.
I think I can handle a tiny stone.
Besides, I'm fine.
The pain's gone.
That's the thing about stones.
You can go hours feeling nothing, - and then all of a sudden-- - Oh! Oh, God! Oh, this is a big one! Uh, some of my patients find it soothing if I sing.
Oh, please don't! Nobody knows The trouble I've s-- Uhh! Here you go.
J-bird, I don't want to put you out of your own bed.
Take a damn nap.
I'm fine.
Aah! Help me! I can barely feel my feet! Come on, now.
This is insane.
Just tell your dad that you have a kidney stone.
Oh.
He'll barely let me take care of him now.
If he knew I was about to black out in pain, he'd leave.
Oh! Ohh! Wow.
I have a more functional relationship with my dad, and he's dead.
You don't realize how stubborn my dad is.
He doesn't even believe in daylight savings time.
For six months a year, he's an hour early to everything.
Or an hour late.
I'm not sure which way it is.
Oh.
Ahh.
Look, you're just as stubborn as he is.
I'm not stubborn.
I'm just always right.
- Oh, I get that.
- I'll be fine, dude, because what you don't know is, window doctor here is about to give me a painkiller shot.
Why haven't we used him like this before? You'll feel a little prick and then a needle.
Doctor humor.
- That's why.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ooh! Wow.
- Mm.
There it is.
Okay, I'm gonna be fine.
You go back to work.
You go back to your date.
Well, if I have to deal with the Jelly patrol hit me.
Ow! Ow! That's fantastic! It's Grease in space with flying cars getting hickeys from kenickie on planet Mars Grease in space Now let's start class.
Lesson one-- how to get the ladies.
Let me guess-- lie your ass off till the panties hit the floor? Whoa! Playa's code-- no false promises.
You just gotta be honest about what you want.
Like with me, it was no morning cuddles, no brunch, ooh, and no leave-behinds.
I will throw those flip-flops right into the trash.
Seriously, that works? Just be honest? Yeah, I mean, you gotta throw in a little game.
Wow.
What? Oh, nothin'.
It's just I guess I've never really looked at your eyes.
They are so blue.
Good thing I'm not busy 'cause I don't think I can move until you blink.
I'm not comfortable with what I'm feeling right now.
What happened to you? - Shh.
- Mm.
You're harshing my buzz.
We're still debating whether or not boning a robot is cheating.
Can I get one, please? I'll clean and walk and feed it.
It won't be cheating.
It'll look just like you.
Fine.
Go nuts.
But how would you clean it? I mean, do you just jam it into the dershwersher? Dershwersher? Dershwersher.
There.
Your hair looks amazing.
I don't know what's going on, but I am finding you delightful.
I'm sorry, all right, but I didn't just fight for our country to come back to a place where people sleep with robots.
What about when you're older and you can't do it twice a day? How am I gonna get my cardio? What's the difference between me hopping on the elliptical or me gettin' my target heart rate up by doing a little bump and grind with a beep-boop? Wow.
You are so funny.
Not a great time, Jules.
The meds wore off.
It feels like a porcupine is trying to crawl out of my hoo.
Stupid window doctor.
Would you jump up and get that remote for me? Ooh! You know what? I love this show.
- That's a commercial.
- Oh.
And why are you sweating? Oh, I don't know.
I just-- I don't know which cereal he's gonna like.
I'll get it myself.
Ow! Oh! Oh! My ankle's oh! Oh! It's going down.
The ground is coming up.
Oh! Dad, let me help you.
Ohh! Okay.
I'm going down, too.
Uhh! I know why I'm laying down here.
Why are you? I've got a kidney stone.
Okay, let's go over what we've learned.
Be confident but not arrogant.
More McConaughey in "Dazed And Confused," less McConaughey in "Magic Mike.
" Be honest but don't give away too much.
More McConaughey in "Lincoln Lawyer," less McConaughey in "Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past.
" Are we gonna have any non-McConaughey examples? All right, all right, all right.
Last question.
It's 9:00 AM.
She's still in your bed.
What do you do, playboy? Read her the haiku I stayed up all night writing for her? I'm kidding! Don't worry.
I got it.
Well, then Go get her.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, man! Your breath smells like tuna fish.
You're eating a tuna fish sandwich.
That's right.
Remember, start her off with a compliment.
- Pshh.
- Mm.
Hey, girl.
You look like a gremlin.
But in a good way.
I mean, they were so cute, right? Anyway, I'm not, uh, looking for a commitment.
Just wanna take you home and do stuff to you.
Man, it's like watching your kid die in battle.
Ugh.
Hey, boo, would you make sweet love to me if I talked like this? I'm not high anymore.
Laurie, I hate that outfit.
Yeah, well, whatever.
Okay, why is Travis wasting his time talking to that skank? - Ugh.
- Look, who knows how long these two are gonna be okay with sex robots? You have to get on board.
I know they cost, like, but maybe we can go halvsies on one.
You know, get two different heads.
I am not making love to a robot.
Yes, I said what you think I said.
Babe, calm down.
No! For me, if you truly love someone, then you don't need anything else.
Wait! Sorry.
Well, since it's just us, you wanna get a bottle of champagne and maybe Mnh.
Oh, I am so getting a robot.
Ow! Son of a butt! It's almost passed.
This stage is what we doctors refer to as the ring of fire.
Ohh! Aah! You know, when I close my eyes, it's almost like a horse giving birth.
Ahh! Ahh! Whoo! That was a wild ride! - Where's dad? - He left.
Damn.
Tom says no more shots.
Just taking off like that? It's not cool.
I know how bad kidney stones hurt.
When I passed mine, I bit your Uncle Jim's pinkie off.
Is that why he used to talk to us through that hand puppet? That and a bunch of emotional issues.
He's still in jail.
So you just doin' some night mowing? I tried to come down and get my mail, but the damn thing ran out of gas.
But don't worry about me, J-bird.
I'm fine here.
Okay.
Then I'll just check on you tomorrow.
I'm kidding.
Let me just give you a hand.
That was humiliating.
Oh, come on, buddy.
It wasn't that bad.
How do you figure? I was not expecting a follow-up question.
Look, the worst a girl can do is say "no.
" Really? Because the last young lady I talked to asked me how severe my Asperger's was.
Does he have Asperger's? Look, I don't have it, okay? I'm just not cut out to be a player.
Playa.
All right.
You know what the problem is, Trav? You're trying to hit on girls like G-man.
But you can't get all buff and wax your chest and convince girls that you're straight.
He barely can.
- It is a tightrope.
- Come on.
You're this weird, goofy, nerdy little dude.
Own it.
Hi.
I'm Travis Cobb.
I own a perfect replica of the "Ghostbusters" proton pack, which I actually wear at least once a week, usually with clothes.
I'm not looking for anything serious, but if you wanna hang out, bust through seasons one and two of "The Walking Dead," maybe throw together some artisan flatbreads and roll around a little, then let's do this.
Let's go.
Really? All right.
Oh kay.
Wah-ha! - Yeah! - Yeah! - Are you packing? - Yeah.
I'm taking off.
Look, it's-- it's not working.
Over a robot? This is insane.
It's not about that.
You should've heard yourself today.
You know, you care more about what's going on with Travis than anything in my life.
What are you talking about? Laurie, I-I love you.
I do.
You know, but I just don't feel like you're all in.
You know, and I can't sit around, waiting with my fingers crossed, losing to some 21-year-old who doesn't even know he's in the game.
Look, you have feelings for him.
Babe Look, tell me I'm wrong, and I will stay.
Yeah.
You know, when I was younger, I tried to have sex in this thing, and I almost hung myself.
Your mom and I conceived you in a movie theater.
Well, why would you tell me that? You put nasty pictures in my head, I do the same to you.
Dad, why won't you let me take care of you? Oh, hell, June Bug.
You're my little girl.
I'm supposed to take care you.
It's a dad's worst nightmare-- gettin' to the place where his own child has to be looking after him.
You were thrown from a horse.
That could happen to anyone.
I wasn't thrown.
I fell trying to get on.
I've been riding my entire life.
I have never fallen once.
It's a slippery slope, this getting old.
I'm just lucky that I have lived such a great life.
Okay, you're not old.
I'm 76, honey.
Well, you can live another 40 or 50 years.
My memory's already starting to go.
Pretty soon, they're not gonna let me drive anymore.
You have got so many great things going on in your life.
You just shouldn't waste a second of it on me.
Okay.
Well, tough crap.
I love you.
You have done everything for me, so I'm gonna do the same for you whether you like it or not.
What if someday I'm not "me" anymore? Maybe you won't complain so much.
Oh, and I could put you in those Hawaiian shirts that you hate.
You look so great.
Thanks.
Thanks back.
Are you okay? No.
All right.
Come on, Jelly.
What? What is this? Why are you being nice to me? Did Tom give you another shot? - No.
Let's go make him give us both one.
- Okay.
Oh, my God.
What a day.
My mind is spinning.
Do you think Laurie and Travis will ever happen? How much longer will my dad be able to live on his own? Dershwersher.
Babe, you don't get to know the answer to those things.
Life is open-ended, like "Inception" or, for some of us, "Grease.
" I hate open endings.
forget who I am Seriously? Yes, I'll accept the charges.
Hi, Uncle Jim.
Hello, Jules.
How's it goin'? Oh, it's pretty good.
How's Travis? Is he still a bit of a shutterbug? Oh, you know it.
Yeah, he loves it.
That's his major.
Good for him.
Ha! Following his dreams.
Hey, can I tell you where I buried somethin'? I gotta get going.
I'm all out of porn!