Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s04e09 Episode Script
I Need Some Balance
1 Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend - I had sex with your dad.
- What? And I was in a really low place, like, the lowest place I've ever been in my life.
I can't believe that happened.
Why did you do that? Bert is in charge, and that's that.
I'm enjoying it so much around here.
I've just made a few changes.
Maybe I can find you some good people.
- (phone chimes) - A match.
Check it out.
Oh, my God, that's Jason.
I've been on a date with this guy.
I still have this guy's number.
Maybe I'll text him back.
I am going to get you out of here.
Probably be able to do it before you do Cats.
(laughs) I would never do Cats.
- We should do Cats.
- Yeah.
- Let's do Cats.
Delightful.
Who cares if there's no plot? Meet Rebecca She's the coolest girl in the world, wait Wrong Rebecca It's this one over here She's spunky, she's sweet, a generous friend Oh, but there she looks kind of mean - Hmm.
- Okay, she's snarky Sarcastic and a What? You know, we're not really seeing a common theme Meet Rebecca She's too hard to summarize So let's go back to Other Rebecca.
I'm dating my uncle.
(laptop keys clicking) - There it is.
- "Woman Demands Three Simultaneous Partners, As Is Her Right.
" Classic SheSmash title.
(saxophone playing) I will see you all at the same time, in my chambers.
Do I have your consent? Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
She's gonna get it, from three men at the same time as is her right.
I sentence you to pleasure, with no chance of early release.
Oh, yeah.
Your Honor, it would be my honor to get you off for good behavior.
Let's review my penal code.
Motion to proceed with my motion.
Ooh, yeah.
Ooh, this is gonna be great.
You've broken up with me too many times.
I'm done.
I'm your ex-fiancé/roommate.
And you stalked me.
We could never be anything.
GREG: You slept with my dad.
There's no coming back from that.
Okay, too complicated to fantasize about these guys.
Should've clicked on lesbian sleepover instead.
- What? - (computer popping) - NEWS REPORTER: Tonight, on KPUX - (groans) feral cats are swarming the San Gabriel Valley.
They look cute, but can be lethal.
What you can do to protect your loved ones and domesticated animals from these ferocious felines, tonight at 10:00.
(groans) I hate cats.
Both the animal and the musical.
This was a bust.
(wind gusting) (cats meowing in distance) When day is night And night is not day That's when the cats come out to play Yes, we are the feral cats Roaming West Covina's streets Singing songs about ourselves Over early '80s Broadway beats (shouts, pants) I am the Hungry Cat I haven't eaten in months I'm roaming through the streets Looking for something to munch I'm filled with desire I need to be fed Don't be mad if you find crumbs 'Cause I like to eat in bed I'm a lonely little kitty Stroke my fur, it's soft as silk Then bring me what I really want A saucer of your milk It's nibble time, Mister We don't need to chase or chat My cavity needs filling 'Cause I'm the Hungry Cat.
(shouts, sighs) That was so weird.
What did that mean? (wind gusting) I think you know.
(shouts) Oh, I need to get laid.
Yeah.
GREG: Hey, thanks for letting me crash at your place while I figure things out.
It's a little awkward between me and my dad right now.
Mm, yeah.
Yeah, that makes sense.
He slept with your ex-girlfriend.
It's probably a little complicated.
- Yeah.
- Lt happens, I guess? No, it does not happen.
People's dads do not go to bars and take their son's ex-girlfriend to their 50-and-over retirement community Okay, no details, please.
I don't like thinking about it.
I'm trying hard to take the high road.
I mean, intellectually, I understand how it happened.
My dad and Rebecca were both at their lowest point.
I mean, she tried to commit suicide and he hasn't had a drink since, but I just can't get past it.
It's super gross and upsetting.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, at least you only have to get past it with him.
You and Rebecca, that ship has sailed and sunk, right? - Right, right, right.
Yeah, obviously.
- You know what? You should do what I always do if I'm feeling sad or happy or confused or tired - Work out? - Yeah.
How did you know that? Uh, cause you work out constantly, and when you stir your coffee, about 80 different muscles ripple.
Oh, thank you.
Feels amazing.
I can only imagine how good it looks.
You know what? You want to work out, I will hook you up.
I can get you a free one-month pass at my gym.
Hmm.
Not that generous an offer.
There's literally a stack of one-month passes on the bar.
You saw those.
REBECCA: You know, spinning is the most efficient way to get in shape.
It can burn up to a thousand calories per class.
That's why I'm taking two classes a day.
Two classes a day? That's a little extreme.
Even I don't do two classes a day and look at me.
I mean, look at me, I'm so good at spinning.
I'm trying to tone up to get naked in front of strangers.
- What? - I got to get laid by someone I haven't laid already.
I got to stop thinking about my exes, move on from those same three people.
Yeah, you need someone new.
But please don't sleep with my dad, Rebecca.
(laughs) Eh.
Seriously.
I need you to say it.
Okay, I won't sleep with Jorge.
Even though he does have kind eyes and a beautiful corazón.
I'm kidding.
God, I'm so sweaty.
Well, maybe that's because you work out in those cheap-ass heat-trapping synthetic leggings? Well, you know what? Spinning's expensive, and I've had a significant downgrade in income recently.
See: lawyer to pretzel maker.
- Mm.
- So I have to compromise.
I got these babies three for five dollars.
Anyway, back to sexy time.
So I have the perfect clean slate sex candidate in mind: You remember that guy Jason? - I talked about him in New York? - The one who canceled on you last minute? That "I'm sick" excuse was clearly a lie.
That's what I thought, too, but then, he's actually been texting me, - to try to prove he was sick.
Look at this picture.
- Ooh.
Is that a selfie of him barfing? Yes.
Yes, it is.
And also, he sent me this one.
Oh! That is several photos of him pooping in a public trash can.
He was trying to prove to me that he wasn't lying.
And when he sent me these pictures, he said "the proof is in the pudding.
" That's cute, right? We are such very, very different people.
(exhales): Oh Jason, you are nice, and single, and I know from our first date with him a couple years ago that he's not a murderer.
And that's what I'm looking for right now not my exes, not a murderer.
Okay.
Let's go.
You know what? Actually, I'm gonna stay for the next class.
You know, these thighs are not gonna un-jiggle themselves.
So watch out, Valencia.
Rebecca's getting her mojo back.
Meow.
- (chuckles) Bye.
- Bye.
(grunts) It's always hard to get the feet in right.
(laughs) Oh, hello.
(elevator chimes) Hey, all.
Guess who's back! Whoa.
Why is the conference table out here? What happened? What, did some millennial start-up take over? Where is everyone? (indistinct chatter) Oh, a party for me.
Oh, you guys are too much.
What a bunch of cuties.
Aww, you guys - Hey.
- Hey.
- How's the baby? - Welcome back.
- Oh, she's good.
Oh, look at all this.
This is so nice.
For me? - Well - Um, actually What's different about you? Why do you look weaker? Oh, I know, it's your 'stache.
It's gone.
Oh.
Huh.
(tongue clicks) Aww.
I'm growing it back.
I just had a little barbecue saucemergency.
Or is it a barbecue saucetastrophe? - You mean a saucepocalypse? - Mm-hmm.
- Shut your peach fuzz face, he's coming.
- Oh! - Who's coming? - Shh! ALL: Happy Bert-day! (laughter, applause) Wow! Oh, my God.
What? Bert-day? It's birthday.
No, it's Bert-day.
Why do you keep saying it like that? Are you a baby? No.
And Bert-day is a party to celebrate Bert's work-a-versary.
How nice for Bert.
(chuckles) Wow.
And look at that lustrous facial hair.
Where'd you get that idea? (laughs) From you, of course.
Darryl, we are so happy to see you.
I wish you would have told us that you were coming back today.
We would've planned something.
DARRYL: Oh, - that's so - Oh, you guys, before I forget, since we have the new conference table, the old conference room is now gonna be the ping-pong room.
- (all gasping) - What? You got us something on your day? The man just doesn't stop giving.
- Yeah, it's fun.
- PAULA: Well, happy Bert-day.
- Yeah, happy Bert-day.
- Bert Oh! Come on, you guys.
- Oh.
Sorry.
- BERT: This is so sweet of you.
(laughter) You have a good day back? I'm nice now.
I don't know if you heard that.
It's a bummer you came on Bert-day.
Yeah, I wish I had known.
Kind of disappointing.
But I'm okay.
All right.
Glad to hear it.
I'm sorry, I got to run.
I'm off to the gym.
Did we do it? Do I need to keep talking to you here? I'm still adjusting to this whole being interested in others thing.
- No, I'm fine.
- Okay.
- I'm fine.
- All right.
Okay.
Enjoy the rest of Bert-day.
Sorry.
Reflex.
WHITE JOSH: All right, man, all right.
- Here we go.
- Okay.
So I just pick these up and put them down and pick these up and put them down, and that's how it works? No sarcasm.
Greg.
It's a gym.
No one will understand what you're saying.
- (both chuckle) - Okay.
All right.
I'm glad you took me up on my offer.
The gym is a drama-free zone, so you're not gonna have to think about your dad or about Rebecca or your dad with Rebecca Quick question was the oxygen tank near the bed Don't answer that, don't know why I asked.
I'll see you at home.
Have fun, don't get hurt.
Okay, well, unless I find out you also slept with my dad, I'm fine.
Oh, no.
You heard? - Go away.
Get out of here.
- All right.
See you later.
(exhales) REBECCA: Wait, no way.
You like Space Jam? I loved Space Jam as a kid.
Oh, I love it, too.
MJ was my hero.
In elementary school, I wore a Bulls hat every single day.
He's the greatest player of all time.
Sorry, LeBron.
Yeah, I don't care about basketball, but I had such a crush on Marvin the Martian.
I mean, a man who wears a skirt? Ugh, so secure, such a turn-on.
(chuckles) You are such a weirdo.
I'm the weirdo, trash can pooper? Hey, I got applause.
There were a lot of people on the street that day.
(laughs) Are-are you okay? What's wrong? You thought you were done With our whispered cat verse But we're not done with you Now grab your purse.
I just got to grab my purse and go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
(moans) Oh, oh, no Oh, my God, what is wrong with me? Oh, you know what it is.
Miss, can you spare a paw? You wore those cheap suffocating workout pants and made a cozy cul-de-sac for some yeast.
Yeast? No, no, no, no.
Not tonight, not tonight.
Please.
If you haven't guessed, I'm the Itchy Cat Need aloe or some Monistat Otherwise I'll stay and Moni-scat Scabbadoo, babadoo, skeedlelee Scratchy, scratchy scatty scratch You wore those cheap, old shoddy pants Now I'm doing an experimental itchy dance I have to hide myself away This feline can't come out to play So get me some lotion potion stat To scratch this scratchy scatty cat This itchy scratchy scatty cat Get that dissolving egg that runs Down your leg so I can stop Being the Itchy Cat.
Go away, Itchy Cat.
Scram! Stop ruining my vagina like you ruined musicals! (hisses) Thank you.
Oh, but I want to have sex.
This sucks more than the song about what makes a Jellicle cat and then it just goes on to describe literally any cat.
(exhales) You need the 40s? Oh, no, I'm not gonna need those because I can't lift them 'cause they're too heavy.
(chuckles) You just getting back into it? Uh, yeah, I used to be way into gym, but only gym class, and only on badminton day.
Well, good on you for, uh, hitting the gym again.
You know what they say.
The road to fitness is one pound at a time.
Hmm.
But don't use the one-pound weights.
You'll embarrass yourself.
(chuckles) - I'm Nathaniel.
- Oh.
Greg.
- That's gross.
- Yeah, sweaty.
- Why did we do that? - I'm not sure.
All right.
Okay.
I'm so sorry.
While I was in there, I checked my calendar and I totally forgot that I have a business trip tomorrow and my flight leaves uh, super early.
Huh.
What kind of business trip do you have in the pretzel biz? I got to go see my salt man in Idaho.
Idaho.
Yeah, well, 'cause of the potatoes.
That's also where a lot of salt is centered.
Oh.
I get it.
Oh, no.
I know it seems like I'm lying.
- It does.
It really, really does.
- I'm really not, though.
Look, um three days.
Just, let's set another date in three days.
I'm sure that's all it'll take to clear up my my salty business.
Sound good? - Great.
It's a date.
- Great.
(sighs) Hey, Maya.
How you doin', girl? Oh, you know me, Just living.
(chuckles) What do you say we hit Spice Girls karaoke - this Saturday? - (gasps) I finally memorized the rap in "Wannabe.
" I just listened to it while I was sleeping.
Oh, D-Money, this Saturday? What, are you busy? BERT: Maya, I got that Rioja from "Ethpaña" you wanted for Wine with Whine dinner on Saturday.
- Oh! - Wine with what? Our Wine with Whine dinner.
It's a weekly thing where we get together, drink delicious vino and talk openly about our work frustrations in front of our super supportive superior, Bert.
I wanted to call it Sipping With Your Super Supportive Superior Saturday Soiree, but Paula punched me.
But Maya, if you do it every week, you could skip it once to hang with your good buddy Darryl.
Bert, you wouldn't mind, would you? Well, it's not up to me.
It's up to this young lady right here.
And I think she's old enough to choose who she wants to spend her weekends with.
Come on, M-Dog.
- What do you say? - No pressure.
Uh, - uh - Come on.
I don't want to disappoint either of you.
But I do love Spice Girls karaoke night, and I kill that Ginger Spice solo in "2 Become 1.
" But this week has been Maj, and I really need my Whine time.
I got to go with Bert and his Rioja.
I'm so sorry.
Oh.
Okay.
No, that's totally fine.
I get it.
I totally (laughs): I - Is it true? - Oh, it's fantastic.
It's a 2015 (groans) Ooh, it burns, it burns, burns Ah - (door opens) - JOSH: Got it! Oh, thank you for going to the drugstore for me.
I'm so uncomfortable, I can barely walk.
It's just chafe, chafe, burn, burn.
It's no problem.
I used to get this for Valencia.
She said it was hand cream, but I have two sisters, I know it's for foot fungus.
Yeah.
E-Exactly.
My feet are so gross right now.
That's why I'm, uh, wearing socks.
All right, "results in one to seven days"? No, no, no, no.
My date's in three days.
I need my piggies to be all healed up by then.
You know what I do when I get athlete's foot is I double down on the healing treatments so I can get back to karate.
I spray, I soak, I powder, I sun.
Well, the sun part's just because I like how my feet look tan.
(chuckles) Double down.
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
Can you go get me another box of this? - Sure.
- Great.
Oh, God, that tastes like chalky metal sand.
Thanks for buying it for me, I guess? Well, thanks for spotting me.
I mean, you did drop the bar on my chest a couple times, but you're-you're getting better.
Yeah, I got to say, this whole working out thing's actually making me feel a lot better.
About what? What's your damage, anyway? I mean, clearly you want to talk about it and I'm nice now, so what's the matter? It's actually it's a long story.
I-I had a weird thing happen with an ex.
You did? So did I.
I mean, I don't know if mine was weird as much as devastating.
Oh, no, mine was that, too.
(chuckles) God.
Women.
Can't say adages about them anymore.
No, you can't.
Yeah.
- All right.
See you.
- All right.
Take care.
Hey.
Look at you, a regular gym rat now.
Yeah, I don't even know how you could recognize me.
I'm so damn fit.
- (laughs) - Hey, I'm kind of digging this gym thing, and I think I actually met a new friend.
What? Come on.
See, gyms are great.
Although do wash your hands frequently and don't touch your face.
Someone died from a staph infection last year.
Danny, engage your core! You know what? What are you doing? Stop it, stop it.
- Oh - NATHANIEL: Did I leave my towel out here? Oh, yeah.
It's right here, bud.
Oh, no, Danny.
This is bad.
- All right, leg day tomorrow? - Yeah.
Ready to do it.
Well, we'll see you then.
I'm still sore from the other day.
See my new friend? Huh? What? No.
Nope.
Me, Greg, I made a new friend in town.
I haven't done that since kindergarten.
- Yeah.
- And it's all - because of you.
- (laughs) Awesome.
Oh, no.
What have I done? - (indistinct conversation) - Oh, God.
Look at them.
What is the big deal about this friendship? You haven't stopped talking about it for days.
You don't understand.
Nathaniel just became a nice person.
This could push him straight back to doucheville.
And Greg is sober now and is very fragile after the whole Rebecca with his dad thing.
It's so hard for both of them to make new guy friends.
(groans) Straight people are so tragic.
Babe, just introduce them.
They're adults, they'll understand.
I know I should, but I can't.
Look at them, they're so happy together.
Oh, God, they just think they're regular friends.
I can't, I can't do it.
I can't do anything.
All I can do is just stand here, watching two trains slowly collide.
Mm.
Looks nice in here.
Yeah.
Jason's picking me up, so I want the place to look nice and tidy.
Here you go, baby.
Got you some nice organic cotton leggings.
Try those next time.
- Thank you.
- You feeling any better down there? So much.
I was in such a hurry to get better, I kind of blitzkrieged the entire infection.
Mm-hmm.
So not only did double ointment, but I also did some home remedies like an apple cider vinegar bath, I took the strongest pro-biotic I could find, plus, I took an old antibiotic from a sinus infection - just in case.
- That's a lot.
Yeah, so the itch is now gone.
Oh, and I'm feeling so good.
I'm really excited to sleep with Jason - and stop thinking about my exes, you know? - Mm-hmm.
(quietly): See? I feel nothing.
("We Should Definitely Not Have Sex Right Now" playing) (grunts) Hey, V.
- (door closes) - Okay, I did feel a little twinge of something on that.
Oh, yeah, I felt it, too.
He's still Josh, but he fine.
Mm, you're right.
You're right.
Ugh, this underwear keeps messing up the line of my dress.
You know what? What are you doing? I'm not gonna be wearing the dress for that long.
Might as well, right? - Girl, no.
- What's wrong? You need to ask yourself that.
There is a terrible smell.
- And - (knocking) Put 'em back on, put the panties back on.
Now, now, now! Okay.
- Oh, no.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, I smell it, too.
- Yep.
Oh, that's Oh, that's bad.
It smells worse than the wedged-in plot device - of the Heaviside Layer.
- (knocking continues) Ju Uh, coming, Jason.
Oh.
I thought you said, - "Come in, Jason.
" - (both chuckling) - Maybe he won't notice.
- (exclaims) Wow, you look beautiful.
Oh, my God, thank you.
Oh.
I thought we were going out for dinner.
Did you make a tuna casserole? Maybe.
I-I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.
Valencia, will you please entertain my guest and maybe open some windows? Okay, thanks.
Oh! What is that smell? Seems like Something funky's going on Well, I'm the Funky Cat And I appear When something funky's Going on around here, yes Something funky's In the air More specifically, it's coming from Right there I know all the funkiest Party spots I may be cool But I'm burning hot Funky cat Is all the rage When something's off with your pH Yeah, I'm having fun I'm living large Just oozing sex And green discharge I dance now (grunts) Ha! Ha! (laughs) Well if you don't like The smell of me You better get to a doctor On the count of three One, two Three Funky Cat.
Hmm.
Did she pan-fry some trout? Is-is that what it is? No, it's not a river fish.
Can't put my finger on it.
Nor should you.
If everyone could just listen for a second.
It's my time to whine.
So, what people don't understand is, I have very sensitive finger skin.
- Oh.
- So, when I'm filing documents I'm very often filing documents It's a bloody mess.
But then, I'm told by Paula that wearing gloves to file is "weird.
" No, no, no.
I never said that.
I said it was "creepy.
" Then I asked if you were gonna murder the papers because you looked like a serial killer.
- You were just He No, he was spurting blood - Oh all over the briefs.
- Spurt? - George, if you'd like gloves, I'll provide them and Paula, you can pick - a color that you find festive and comforting.
- (gasps) Fuchsia gloves for George.
Hooray! Thank you, Bert.
- Cheers, everyone.
- Cheers.
Oh, hey, guys.
I know you're having an event.
I just came by with a little something for everyone.
Okay, here we go, rapid fire.
Maya, rainbow eye shadow palette.
Jim, electronic drum pad.
George, hot water bottle shaped like a '40s pinup.
Paula, lightweight merino shawl embroidered with butterflies.
- Oh! - And Bert I got you dirt.
It's like a pet rock, but it's dirt.
(chuckles) Get it? Wow, thank you, Darryl.
I was looking for a playmate for my pet sand.
- Oh.
- Great, Darryl.
Thanks.
But I've been sitting on my whine all night.
I don't like the sandwich guy.
(gasps) Bread is wet, everything has mayo, which is basically chicken embryo mucus mixed with oil.
I hear you, I understand, and aioli want to help.
- Oh! - Oh, good one, boss! (indistinct chatter) Ah, yeah, but what about the presents? - We know what's inside.
- No, we know what's in it.
Okay, okay.
Um, uh How about this? I'm taking everyone to Disneyland! (laughs) Right now.
Except for Bert, of course.
You can eat ice cream, you can stay up as late as you want, I'll buy you any toy you want.
No, a toy? Please.
We are not children.
- Although I would love a Moana, actually.
- DARRYL: Oh? She is gonna make such an amazing chief someday.
So, guys, come on.
Come with me.
- Darryl.
- Hmm? This is my event and we're not done.
Maybe you can wait until it's your time.
This is my time.
(chuckles weakly) Trigger alert.
I know what's going on here.
My parents are divorced and I was often a pawn in their conflict and it was (weak chuckle) sometimes kind of nice, because I got everything I ever wanted.
But nothing I needed.
- (mouthing) - BERT: He's right.
Let's not fight over these folks.
These are good people and they can care about both of us.
Let's not force them to make a choice.
Good point.
Him? Disneyland? - Well, it's an unfair one.
- Yeah, you know.
- Oh, come on.
Got to go see the mouse.
Will you get on the Impossibles coaster? MAYA: We need to go in one car, though.
- My car is waiting right outside.
- GEORGE: It's outside? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
JIM: Oh, I can't wait for some Mickey ears.
I'm sorry, B-Dog.
Call him a cute nickname again and no turkey legs for you.
Tonight I am alone.
(lisping): Esta noche estoy solo.
(sighs) REBECCA: Sorry, I'm not feeling well.
Valencia, can you show Jason out, please?! - All right, it's time to move on.
- Wait, uh Whoa.
- It's now that you're leaving.
- What? Bye! What about our date? (exhales) Oh, Valencia.
The cats are killing me.
Which cats? Funky! So what do you do? Well, I'm about to finish business school, but I'm, uh, I'm actually You know, I had this crazy idea Never even really told anyone But my dad used to have this restaurant out by the freeway and I'm thinking about re-opening it as my thesis project.
It was this great local Italian restaurant and it got overrun by all these chains, - so I think it'd be cool to revive it.
- NATHANIEL: Totally.
What are you doing? Oh, my God! (whoops) You scared me.
Snuck up on me there.
(whoops) Just keeping an eye out.
Still very casual, don't worry.
Oh, I'm not worried at all.
Except about you.
Be nice to have an Italian restaurant.
Yeah.
We still own the building, but we can never sell it or re-open it because of all these new zoning laws.
I don't even know where to start with addressing that.
Dude.
I could totally help you.
I'm real estate lawyer.
I eat local zoning restrictions for lunch.
Really? You would help me? I mean, how much do you cost, though? You seem expensive.
I am.
But lucky for you, I've recently become a nice person, so I'm easy.
Just buy me a beer.
Okay.
Oh, okay.
Okay, they're going into business together.
That's fine, that's fine.
That's fine.
Nothing bad can happen there.
Okay, I'm gonna tell 'em.
I'm gonna walk right up to 'em.
I'm gonna rip the Band-Aid off, I'm gonna tell 'em the truth.
We're all gonna laugh about this.
Gonna be hilarious, we're all we'll-we'll laugh.
Good, I'm glad.
Okay.
Where are they? Where did they go? Do you think they left together? REBECCA: (sighs) At least I have the right medicine now.
I think I scared away Jason forever, though.
Girl, you almost scared me away forever.
It's such a bummer.
Jason was so nice.
I really liked him.
Well, if you like him, then text him.
Tell him the truth.
He sent you a picture of himself pooping.
What's going on with you is not grosser than that.
I mean, for me, it's all gross and none of it should be talked about, but for you guys, it might be fine? Do it, girl.
Tell him.
So, Jason, what happened was And here's the truth I got a yeast infection and I kind of over-corrected a bit and gave myself bacterial vaginosis, but I'm on the right medicine now, and I'll be better in a week and if you're still down after reading this text message, I would like to hang out very much.
Respectfully yours, Rebecca Nora Bunch.
And send.
Was that good? Well, I might have phrased it a bit differently Again, we're very, very different people - But - (phone chimes) Oh, my God, it's Jason.
W-Well, what'd he say? He said, "That's cool, let's hang out tonight.
"My mom's a gyno, NBD.
"I'll bring over a room spray, put on some thick sweats.
" Hmm.
Also, son of a gyno? What a dream.
BERT: Paula, will you tell Darryl that the client from Azusa wishes to file a soil-assessment request with the wildlife management office? Nope, not gonna do that.
Also, he just heard you.
Jim, tell Bert that any idiot knows that ecological soil testing needs to be done on-site and he would know that if he wasn't a weirdo who used to live in a sewer.
Wait, start over.
I only got the first part of that.
BERT: You know what, I'm nice.
I'm very nice.
But I also have very thin emotional skin.
Like my finger skin.
Which is now protected.
Thank you so much, Bert.
Because of Darryl, I feel myself regressing into a more raw state.
I've had to go to group therapy every morning this week, which has interfered with my morning desert spelunking.
You have cost me the love and the cherishment of my loved ones.
Cherishment not a word.
My professional family! Oh You've ruined everything.
And you stole my upper lip style choice, - you son of a - PAULA: Oh! - Aah! Get away from me! - Aah! - What is your problem?! - Stop it! Stop it right now! - Stop it! Stop it! - (both grunting) That is enough! - I wasn't doing anything.
- Get off.
We can't go on like this.
We need to call in a professional.
Father Brah, it's so cool you do workplace meditations.
Yeah, in this economic climate, I can't afford - to not diversify.
- Hmm.
Father, I have a confession.
You're super cute.
Oh, uh, uh, please don't.
Okay, workplace conflict arises when we bring our emotional needs to a transactional environment.
It's Darryl's fault.
I think he's borderline and has BPD or maybe he has narcissism and has NPD.
Or is in the NYPD.
Or he's NPH.
I love when he hosts the Tonys.
By the way, he was so right this year.
Who was that weird lady backstage with the tiny top hat? Do not put this on me, Bert Buttenweiser.
Or shall I say Buttenweasel? - (gasps) - You knew exactly - what you were doing.
- GEORGE: No, no.
I cannot go through this again.
Saturdays with Dad, Sundays with Mom.
Holidays with who knows who Well, check the calendar, Georgie.
Where's my favorite windbreaker? You must have left it at your mother's place.
Well, then, why don't you ask her new boyfriend to buy you a new one since he's so much wealthier than me? BRAH: Bert, Darryl, I think you can see the toll this is taking on your employees.
Can you put aside your personal differences and your facial-hair resentments for a moment? Is this stupidity over? He's right, I've been terrible.
We're hurting people.
People we care about.
I'm sorry.
You can be the Dad.
- You be Dad.
I'll be Papa.
- Uh, again, I encourage you to see this work environment through a professional lens, if possible.
Okay, then.
It's settled.
- Daddy, Papa.
- So, no? And I will relinquish my glorious facial hair.
I guess, on some level, I grew the mustache because I wanted to compete with you.
You are so kind and beloved.
Aw.
BRAH: I think we did it.
Yeah, well done.
Good job, everyone.
Um, everything you said was super smart, and I just wanted to ask what are you doing later, and do you like oatmeal draft lattes? 'Cause I do.
I'm a priest.
I'm a Capricorn.
I think this could work.
I never thought I'd have a gym buddy, mostly because I never thought I'd have a gym.
Yeah, and I don't usually talk to people who are sweating.
Or just people in general.
- But I'm nice now, so - You know, you don't need to say it.
You could just be it, and people will think it.
Hmm.
Having said that, I am glad I met you.
It's really hard to make a new friend, - and it's been great to take my mind off my personal life.
- Oh, right, your ex.
Yeah, it's so stupid I'm even thinking about her at all after what she did.
- Pretty bad, huh? - As bad as it gets.
- Oof.
- And what's worse is I want to forgive her.
I-I just can't stop thinking about her.
I-I hear you, man.
I'm in the same boat with my ex.
I mean, she clearly dumped me, and I can't stop thinking about her either.
I mean, God, women, they are our equal in every way.
Well, maybe you should just tell her how you feel.
I've done that.
Like, four times.
It never works.
Yeah, but you just told me that you've changed.
Does she know that? Kinda.
I don't know.
(scoffs) How about this.
How about you tell your ex that you've changed, and I'll tell mine I can't stop thinking about her.
- When? - Now.
Yeah.
And this isn't just the lemonade talking.
- Really? Should we? - Yeah, come on.
Use your legs, weakling! Ah, that's a little too much, though.
Yeah, sorry.
It felt weird coming out.
No, you're right, we should.
Why don't you go first.
I'll pay the tab because, not only am I nice, I'm also rich.
I'll work on that.
- I'll work on that.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
All right, good luck.
You too.
WHITE JOSH: Oh, my God.
My friend from the wine bar just texted me.
Greg and Nathaniel had a drink together and they're both gonna see their exes.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- I have to go.
I have to go do something.
- What? - I don't know.
- What are you gonna do when you get there? I don't know, okay? I'm gonna think of something very eloquent to say on my way over there and then I am going to say it to them - when I get there.
- Okay.
REBECCA: I'm so glad you came over.
(music playing over TV) Hey.
I know it's still a little problematic for me down there, but there's other stuff we can do.
Oh.
Okay.
Are you sure? Yeah.
(music stops) Whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper This is Elated Cat Interpreting this happy moment In the language of dance.
REBECCA: You know, I'd like Cats way better if it were just a plot-free dance revue.
JASON: What? God, I'm nervous.
Why am I nervous? I didn't do anything wrong.
I didn't sleep with anyone's dad.
I've never even met Rebecca's dad.
- Greg? - Hey Oh, you came here for moral support? Thanks, bud, but I got it.
Wait, how'd you even know where I was? Oh, God.
You're that Greg.
Wait.
You're that jerk real estate dude she dated? Yep.
Yep, that's me.
- So that means that Rebecca had sex with your Yes.
Him and me and obviously, you.
(panting) Ah.
Uh-huh.
Greg, Nathaniel.
Nathaniel, Greg.
Oh, you did that already, huh? Oh, man, I I did not do a good job with this, huh? So I'm gonna I'll just see you guys at the, uh Nope, no.
Probably not.
Okay.
I'll see you guys.
("Sex with a Stranger" playing) (indistinct chatter in distance) What is that? Ugh, I think I have some of those feral cats on my patio.
I got to go get rid of them.
Okay.
Don't take too long.
I won't.
Keep yourself horny.
Stay in the mood.
I can't believe this.
Oh, I can.
When I get around Rebecca, this is the kind of thing that happens to me.
What are you guys doing here? I wanted to talk to you.
I also wanted to talk to you.
Okay.
About what? JASON: Is everything okay? Jason, it's-it's fine.
This is a long story.
- Just-just get back in, okay? - JOSH: Is it the feral cats? Don't get bitten! I will protect you Oh.
Hey, dudes.
What's going on? Rebecca, who are these guys? These are my ex-boyfriends.
- What is he doing here? - We live together.
Platonic platonically.
Yeah.
Those are not platonic panties.
You know what? I'm gonna head out.
- NATHANIEL: Yeah, me, too.
- Also, me.
(stammers) God, women are the future.
Wait, guys.
No, no, no.
No, no, Jason, Jason, don't go.
I can explain.
Guys.
Guys! What did you want to tell me? (exhales) Sorry, Becks.
I was trying to save you from the cats.
(door closes) Nostalgia I'm feeling nostalgia Such heartbreaking nostalgia For the last time I boned.
Did somebody say bone? I'm the Doggy Dog and I'm wagging my tail Okay, that's enough.
Sniffing some ass as I walk up VALENCIA: Okay, so, wait All of your exes showed up on your doorstep? Are they still into you? I don't know.
I'm so confused.
I mean, they all had something to say and they saw each other, and no one said what they wanted to say.
Oh, God, and I've tried to text Jason, like, "Jason, I'm so sorry about tonight," but he's not getting back to me, so that's done.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
After everything you've been through this week with your vagina.
I know, and I didn't do anything wrong.
No.
I was just trying to get laid.
Which now, apparently, will never happen.
God.
Men.
Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em.
Yeah.
We get to say that.
We do.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Wow.
I really liked that Jason guy.
You kidding me? Have you seen Josh? Meow.
Josh? Honey, Nathaniel.
That's where it's at.
Mmm, I'm more of a Greg girl myself.
I still can't stop thinking of Marco.
He flipped me like a pancake.
Ooh! (giggles) - Meow.
- That's nasty.
- What? And I was in a really low place, like, the lowest place I've ever been in my life.
I can't believe that happened.
Why did you do that? Bert is in charge, and that's that.
I'm enjoying it so much around here.
I've just made a few changes.
Maybe I can find you some good people.
- (phone chimes) - A match.
Check it out.
Oh, my God, that's Jason.
I've been on a date with this guy.
I still have this guy's number.
Maybe I'll text him back.
I am going to get you out of here.
Probably be able to do it before you do Cats.
(laughs) I would never do Cats.
- We should do Cats.
- Yeah.
- Let's do Cats.
Delightful.
Who cares if there's no plot? Meet Rebecca She's the coolest girl in the world, wait Wrong Rebecca It's this one over here She's spunky, she's sweet, a generous friend Oh, but there she looks kind of mean - Hmm.
- Okay, she's snarky Sarcastic and a What? You know, we're not really seeing a common theme Meet Rebecca She's too hard to summarize So let's go back to Other Rebecca.
I'm dating my uncle.
(laptop keys clicking) - There it is.
- "Woman Demands Three Simultaneous Partners, As Is Her Right.
" Classic SheSmash title.
(saxophone playing) I will see you all at the same time, in my chambers.
Do I have your consent? Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
She's gonna get it, from three men at the same time as is her right.
I sentence you to pleasure, with no chance of early release.
Oh, yeah.
Your Honor, it would be my honor to get you off for good behavior.
Let's review my penal code.
Motion to proceed with my motion.
Ooh, yeah.
Ooh, this is gonna be great.
You've broken up with me too many times.
I'm done.
I'm your ex-fiancé/roommate.
And you stalked me.
We could never be anything.
GREG: You slept with my dad.
There's no coming back from that.
Okay, too complicated to fantasize about these guys.
Should've clicked on lesbian sleepover instead.
- What? - (computer popping) - NEWS REPORTER: Tonight, on KPUX - (groans) feral cats are swarming the San Gabriel Valley.
They look cute, but can be lethal.
What you can do to protect your loved ones and domesticated animals from these ferocious felines, tonight at 10:00.
(groans) I hate cats.
Both the animal and the musical.
This was a bust.
(wind gusting) (cats meowing in distance) When day is night And night is not day That's when the cats come out to play Yes, we are the feral cats Roaming West Covina's streets Singing songs about ourselves Over early '80s Broadway beats (shouts, pants) I am the Hungry Cat I haven't eaten in months I'm roaming through the streets Looking for something to munch I'm filled with desire I need to be fed Don't be mad if you find crumbs 'Cause I like to eat in bed I'm a lonely little kitty Stroke my fur, it's soft as silk Then bring me what I really want A saucer of your milk It's nibble time, Mister We don't need to chase or chat My cavity needs filling 'Cause I'm the Hungry Cat.
(shouts, sighs) That was so weird.
What did that mean? (wind gusting) I think you know.
(shouts) Oh, I need to get laid.
Yeah.
GREG: Hey, thanks for letting me crash at your place while I figure things out.
It's a little awkward between me and my dad right now.
Mm, yeah.
Yeah, that makes sense.
He slept with your ex-girlfriend.
It's probably a little complicated.
- Yeah.
- Lt happens, I guess? No, it does not happen.
People's dads do not go to bars and take their son's ex-girlfriend to their 50-and-over retirement community Okay, no details, please.
I don't like thinking about it.
I'm trying hard to take the high road.
I mean, intellectually, I understand how it happened.
My dad and Rebecca were both at their lowest point.
I mean, she tried to commit suicide and he hasn't had a drink since, but I just can't get past it.
It's super gross and upsetting.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, at least you only have to get past it with him.
You and Rebecca, that ship has sailed and sunk, right? - Right, right, right.
Yeah, obviously.
- You know what? You should do what I always do if I'm feeling sad or happy or confused or tired - Work out? - Yeah.
How did you know that? Uh, cause you work out constantly, and when you stir your coffee, about 80 different muscles ripple.
Oh, thank you.
Feels amazing.
I can only imagine how good it looks.
You know what? You want to work out, I will hook you up.
I can get you a free one-month pass at my gym.
Hmm.
Not that generous an offer.
There's literally a stack of one-month passes on the bar.
You saw those.
REBECCA: You know, spinning is the most efficient way to get in shape.
It can burn up to a thousand calories per class.
That's why I'm taking two classes a day.
Two classes a day? That's a little extreme.
Even I don't do two classes a day and look at me.
I mean, look at me, I'm so good at spinning.
I'm trying to tone up to get naked in front of strangers.
- What? - I got to get laid by someone I haven't laid already.
I got to stop thinking about my exes, move on from those same three people.
Yeah, you need someone new.
But please don't sleep with my dad, Rebecca.
(laughs) Eh.
Seriously.
I need you to say it.
Okay, I won't sleep with Jorge.
Even though he does have kind eyes and a beautiful corazón.
I'm kidding.
God, I'm so sweaty.
Well, maybe that's because you work out in those cheap-ass heat-trapping synthetic leggings? Well, you know what? Spinning's expensive, and I've had a significant downgrade in income recently.
See: lawyer to pretzel maker.
- Mm.
- So I have to compromise.
I got these babies three for five dollars.
Anyway, back to sexy time.
So I have the perfect clean slate sex candidate in mind: You remember that guy Jason? - I talked about him in New York? - The one who canceled on you last minute? That "I'm sick" excuse was clearly a lie.
That's what I thought, too, but then, he's actually been texting me, - to try to prove he was sick.
Look at this picture.
- Ooh.
Is that a selfie of him barfing? Yes.
Yes, it is.
And also, he sent me this one.
Oh! That is several photos of him pooping in a public trash can.
He was trying to prove to me that he wasn't lying.
And when he sent me these pictures, he said "the proof is in the pudding.
" That's cute, right? We are such very, very different people.
(exhales): Oh Jason, you are nice, and single, and I know from our first date with him a couple years ago that he's not a murderer.
And that's what I'm looking for right now not my exes, not a murderer.
Okay.
Let's go.
You know what? Actually, I'm gonna stay for the next class.
You know, these thighs are not gonna un-jiggle themselves.
So watch out, Valencia.
Rebecca's getting her mojo back.
Meow.
- (chuckles) Bye.
- Bye.
(grunts) It's always hard to get the feet in right.
(laughs) Oh, hello.
(elevator chimes) Hey, all.
Guess who's back! Whoa.
Why is the conference table out here? What happened? What, did some millennial start-up take over? Where is everyone? (indistinct chatter) Oh, a party for me.
Oh, you guys are too much.
What a bunch of cuties.
Aww, you guys - Hey.
- Hey.
- How's the baby? - Welcome back.
- Oh, she's good.
Oh, look at all this.
This is so nice.
For me? - Well - Um, actually What's different about you? Why do you look weaker? Oh, I know, it's your 'stache.
It's gone.
Oh.
Huh.
(tongue clicks) Aww.
I'm growing it back.
I just had a little barbecue saucemergency.
Or is it a barbecue saucetastrophe? - You mean a saucepocalypse? - Mm-hmm.
- Shut your peach fuzz face, he's coming.
- Oh! - Who's coming? - Shh! ALL: Happy Bert-day! (laughter, applause) Wow! Oh, my God.
What? Bert-day? It's birthday.
No, it's Bert-day.
Why do you keep saying it like that? Are you a baby? No.
And Bert-day is a party to celebrate Bert's work-a-versary.
How nice for Bert.
(chuckles) Wow.
And look at that lustrous facial hair.
Where'd you get that idea? (laughs) From you, of course.
Darryl, we are so happy to see you.
I wish you would have told us that you were coming back today.
We would've planned something.
DARRYL: Oh, - that's so - Oh, you guys, before I forget, since we have the new conference table, the old conference room is now gonna be the ping-pong room.
- (all gasping) - What? You got us something on your day? The man just doesn't stop giving.
- Yeah, it's fun.
- PAULA: Well, happy Bert-day.
- Yeah, happy Bert-day.
- Bert Oh! Come on, you guys.
- Oh.
Sorry.
- BERT: This is so sweet of you.
(laughter) You have a good day back? I'm nice now.
I don't know if you heard that.
It's a bummer you came on Bert-day.
Yeah, I wish I had known.
Kind of disappointing.
But I'm okay.
All right.
Glad to hear it.
I'm sorry, I got to run.
I'm off to the gym.
Did we do it? Do I need to keep talking to you here? I'm still adjusting to this whole being interested in others thing.
- No, I'm fine.
- Okay.
- I'm fine.
- All right.
Okay.
Enjoy the rest of Bert-day.
Sorry.
Reflex.
WHITE JOSH: All right, man, all right.
- Here we go.
- Okay.
So I just pick these up and put them down and pick these up and put them down, and that's how it works? No sarcasm.
Greg.
It's a gym.
No one will understand what you're saying.
- (both chuckle) - Okay.
All right.
I'm glad you took me up on my offer.
The gym is a drama-free zone, so you're not gonna have to think about your dad or about Rebecca or your dad with Rebecca Quick question was the oxygen tank near the bed Don't answer that, don't know why I asked.
I'll see you at home.
Have fun, don't get hurt.
Okay, well, unless I find out you also slept with my dad, I'm fine.
Oh, no.
You heard? - Go away.
Get out of here.
- All right.
See you later.
(exhales) REBECCA: Wait, no way.
You like Space Jam? I loved Space Jam as a kid.
Oh, I love it, too.
MJ was my hero.
In elementary school, I wore a Bulls hat every single day.
He's the greatest player of all time.
Sorry, LeBron.
Yeah, I don't care about basketball, but I had such a crush on Marvin the Martian.
I mean, a man who wears a skirt? Ugh, so secure, such a turn-on.
(chuckles) You are such a weirdo.
I'm the weirdo, trash can pooper? Hey, I got applause.
There were a lot of people on the street that day.
(laughs) Are-are you okay? What's wrong? You thought you were done With our whispered cat verse But we're not done with you Now grab your purse.
I just got to grab my purse and go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
(moans) Oh, oh, no Oh, my God, what is wrong with me? Oh, you know what it is.
Miss, can you spare a paw? You wore those cheap suffocating workout pants and made a cozy cul-de-sac for some yeast.
Yeast? No, no, no, no.
Not tonight, not tonight.
Please.
If you haven't guessed, I'm the Itchy Cat Need aloe or some Monistat Otherwise I'll stay and Moni-scat Scabbadoo, babadoo, skeedlelee Scratchy, scratchy scatty scratch You wore those cheap, old shoddy pants Now I'm doing an experimental itchy dance I have to hide myself away This feline can't come out to play So get me some lotion potion stat To scratch this scratchy scatty cat This itchy scratchy scatty cat Get that dissolving egg that runs Down your leg so I can stop Being the Itchy Cat.
Go away, Itchy Cat.
Scram! Stop ruining my vagina like you ruined musicals! (hisses) Thank you.
Oh, but I want to have sex.
This sucks more than the song about what makes a Jellicle cat and then it just goes on to describe literally any cat.
(exhales) You need the 40s? Oh, no, I'm not gonna need those because I can't lift them 'cause they're too heavy.
(chuckles) You just getting back into it? Uh, yeah, I used to be way into gym, but only gym class, and only on badminton day.
Well, good on you for, uh, hitting the gym again.
You know what they say.
The road to fitness is one pound at a time.
Hmm.
But don't use the one-pound weights.
You'll embarrass yourself.
(chuckles) - I'm Nathaniel.
- Oh.
Greg.
- That's gross.
- Yeah, sweaty.
- Why did we do that? - I'm not sure.
All right.
Okay.
I'm so sorry.
While I was in there, I checked my calendar and I totally forgot that I have a business trip tomorrow and my flight leaves uh, super early.
Huh.
What kind of business trip do you have in the pretzel biz? I got to go see my salt man in Idaho.
Idaho.
Yeah, well, 'cause of the potatoes.
That's also where a lot of salt is centered.
Oh.
I get it.
Oh, no.
I know it seems like I'm lying.
- It does.
It really, really does.
- I'm really not, though.
Look, um three days.
Just, let's set another date in three days.
I'm sure that's all it'll take to clear up my my salty business.
Sound good? - Great.
It's a date.
- Great.
(sighs) Hey, Maya.
How you doin', girl? Oh, you know me, Just living.
(chuckles) What do you say we hit Spice Girls karaoke - this Saturday? - (gasps) I finally memorized the rap in "Wannabe.
" I just listened to it while I was sleeping.
Oh, D-Money, this Saturday? What, are you busy? BERT: Maya, I got that Rioja from "Ethpaña" you wanted for Wine with Whine dinner on Saturday.
- Oh! - Wine with what? Our Wine with Whine dinner.
It's a weekly thing where we get together, drink delicious vino and talk openly about our work frustrations in front of our super supportive superior, Bert.
I wanted to call it Sipping With Your Super Supportive Superior Saturday Soiree, but Paula punched me.
But Maya, if you do it every week, you could skip it once to hang with your good buddy Darryl.
Bert, you wouldn't mind, would you? Well, it's not up to me.
It's up to this young lady right here.
And I think she's old enough to choose who she wants to spend her weekends with.
Come on, M-Dog.
- What do you say? - No pressure.
Uh, - uh - Come on.
I don't want to disappoint either of you.
But I do love Spice Girls karaoke night, and I kill that Ginger Spice solo in "2 Become 1.
" But this week has been Maj, and I really need my Whine time.
I got to go with Bert and his Rioja.
I'm so sorry.
Oh.
Okay.
No, that's totally fine.
I get it.
I totally (laughs): I - Is it true? - Oh, it's fantastic.
It's a 2015 (groans) Ooh, it burns, it burns, burns Ah - (door opens) - JOSH: Got it! Oh, thank you for going to the drugstore for me.
I'm so uncomfortable, I can barely walk.
It's just chafe, chafe, burn, burn.
It's no problem.
I used to get this for Valencia.
She said it was hand cream, but I have two sisters, I know it's for foot fungus.
Yeah.
E-Exactly.
My feet are so gross right now.
That's why I'm, uh, wearing socks.
All right, "results in one to seven days"? No, no, no, no.
My date's in three days.
I need my piggies to be all healed up by then.
You know what I do when I get athlete's foot is I double down on the healing treatments so I can get back to karate.
I spray, I soak, I powder, I sun.
Well, the sun part's just because I like how my feet look tan.
(chuckles) Double down.
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
Can you go get me another box of this? - Sure.
- Great.
Oh, God, that tastes like chalky metal sand.
Thanks for buying it for me, I guess? Well, thanks for spotting me.
I mean, you did drop the bar on my chest a couple times, but you're-you're getting better.
Yeah, I got to say, this whole working out thing's actually making me feel a lot better.
About what? What's your damage, anyway? I mean, clearly you want to talk about it and I'm nice now, so what's the matter? It's actually it's a long story.
I-I had a weird thing happen with an ex.
You did? So did I.
I mean, I don't know if mine was weird as much as devastating.
Oh, no, mine was that, too.
(chuckles) God.
Women.
Can't say adages about them anymore.
No, you can't.
Yeah.
- All right.
See you.
- All right.
Take care.
Hey.
Look at you, a regular gym rat now.
Yeah, I don't even know how you could recognize me.
I'm so damn fit.
- (laughs) - Hey, I'm kind of digging this gym thing, and I think I actually met a new friend.
What? Come on.
See, gyms are great.
Although do wash your hands frequently and don't touch your face.
Someone died from a staph infection last year.
Danny, engage your core! You know what? What are you doing? Stop it, stop it.
- Oh - NATHANIEL: Did I leave my towel out here? Oh, yeah.
It's right here, bud.
Oh, no, Danny.
This is bad.
- All right, leg day tomorrow? - Yeah.
Ready to do it.
Well, we'll see you then.
I'm still sore from the other day.
See my new friend? Huh? What? No.
Nope.
Me, Greg, I made a new friend in town.
I haven't done that since kindergarten.
- Yeah.
- And it's all - because of you.
- (laughs) Awesome.
Oh, no.
What have I done? - (indistinct conversation) - Oh, God.
Look at them.
What is the big deal about this friendship? You haven't stopped talking about it for days.
You don't understand.
Nathaniel just became a nice person.
This could push him straight back to doucheville.
And Greg is sober now and is very fragile after the whole Rebecca with his dad thing.
It's so hard for both of them to make new guy friends.
(groans) Straight people are so tragic.
Babe, just introduce them.
They're adults, they'll understand.
I know I should, but I can't.
Look at them, they're so happy together.
Oh, God, they just think they're regular friends.
I can't, I can't do it.
I can't do anything.
All I can do is just stand here, watching two trains slowly collide.
Mm.
Looks nice in here.
Yeah.
Jason's picking me up, so I want the place to look nice and tidy.
Here you go, baby.
Got you some nice organic cotton leggings.
Try those next time.
- Thank you.
- You feeling any better down there? So much.
I was in such a hurry to get better, I kind of blitzkrieged the entire infection.
Mm-hmm.
So not only did double ointment, but I also did some home remedies like an apple cider vinegar bath, I took the strongest pro-biotic I could find, plus, I took an old antibiotic from a sinus infection - just in case.
- That's a lot.
Yeah, so the itch is now gone.
Oh, and I'm feeling so good.
I'm really excited to sleep with Jason - and stop thinking about my exes, you know? - Mm-hmm.
(quietly): See? I feel nothing.
("We Should Definitely Not Have Sex Right Now" playing) (grunts) Hey, V.
- (door closes) - Okay, I did feel a little twinge of something on that.
Oh, yeah, I felt it, too.
He's still Josh, but he fine.
Mm, you're right.
You're right.
Ugh, this underwear keeps messing up the line of my dress.
You know what? What are you doing? I'm not gonna be wearing the dress for that long.
Might as well, right? - Girl, no.
- What's wrong? You need to ask yourself that.
There is a terrible smell.
- And - (knocking) Put 'em back on, put the panties back on.
Now, now, now! Okay.
- Oh, no.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, I smell it, too.
- Yep.
Oh, that's Oh, that's bad.
It smells worse than the wedged-in plot device - of the Heaviside Layer.
- (knocking continues) Ju Uh, coming, Jason.
Oh.
I thought you said, - "Come in, Jason.
" - (both chuckling) - Maybe he won't notice.
- (exclaims) Wow, you look beautiful.
Oh, my God, thank you.
Oh.
I thought we were going out for dinner.
Did you make a tuna casserole? Maybe.
I-I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.
Valencia, will you please entertain my guest and maybe open some windows? Okay, thanks.
Oh! What is that smell? Seems like Something funky's going on Well, I'm the Funky Cat And I appear When something funky's Going on around here, yes Something funky's In the air More specifically, it's coming from Right there I know all the funkiest Party spots I may be cool But I'm burning hot Funky cat Is all the rage When something's off with your pH Yeah, I'm having fun I'm living large Just oozing sex And green discharge I dance now (grunts) Ha! Ha! (laughs) Well if you don't like The smell of me You better get to a doctor On the count of three One, two Three Funky Cat.
Hmm.
Did she pan-fry some trout? Is-is that what it is? No, it's not a river fish.
Can't put my finger on it.
Nor should you.
If everyone could just listen for a second.
It's my time to whine.
So, what people don't understand is, I have very sensitive finger skin.
- Oh.
- So, when I'm filing documents I'm very often filing documents It's a bloody mess.
But then, I'm told by Paula that wearing gloves to file is "weird.
" No, no, no.
I never said that.
I said it was "creepy.
" Then I asked if you were gonna murder the papers because you looked like a serial killer.
- You were just He No, he was spurting blood - Oh all over the briefs.
- Spurt? - George, if you'd like gloves, I'll provide them and Paula, you can pick - a color that you find festive and comforting.
- (gasps) Fuchsia gloves for George.
Hooray! Thank you, Bert.
- Cheers, everyone.
- Cheers.
Oh, hey, guys.
I know you're having an event.
I just came by with a little something for everyone.
Okay, here we go, rapid fire.
Maya, rainbow eye shadow palette.
Jim, electronic drum pad.
George, hot water bottle shaped like a '40s pinup.
Paula, lightweight merino shawl embroidered with butterflies.
- Oh! - And Bert I got you dirt.
It's like a pet rock, but it's dirt.
(chuckles) Get it? Wow, thank you, Darryl.
I was looking for a playmate for my pet sand.
- Oh.
- Great, Darryl.
Thanks.
But I've been sitting on my whine all night.
I don't like the sandwich guy.
(gasps) Bread is wet, everything has mayo, which is basically chicken embryo mucus mixed with oil.
I hear you, I understand, and aioli want to help.
- Oh! - Oh, good one, boss! (indistinct chatter) Ah, yeah, but what about the presents? - We know what's inside.
- No, we know what's in it.
Okay, okay.
Um, uh How about this? I'm taking everyone to Disneyland! (laughs) Right now.
Except for Bert, of course.
You can eat ice cream, you can stay up as late as you want, I'll buy you any toy you want.
No, a toy? Please.
We are not children.
- Although I would love a Moana, actually.
- DARRYL: Oh? She is gonna make such an amazing chief someday.
So, guys, come on.
Come with me.
- Darryl.
- Hmm? This is my event and we're not done.
Maybe you can wait until it's your time.
This is my time.
(chuckles weakly) Trigger alert.
I know what's going on here.
My parents are divorced and I was often a pawn in their conflict and it was (weak chuckle) sometimes kind of nice, because I got everything I ever wanted.
But nothing I needed.
- (mouthing) - BERT: He's right.
Let's not fight over these folks.
These are good people and they can care about both of us.
Let's not force them to make a choice.
Good point.
Him? Disneyland? - Well, it's an unfair one.
- Yeah, you know.
- Oh, come on.
Got to go see the mouse.
Will you get on the Impossibles coaster? MAYA: We need to go in one car, though.
- My car is waiting right outside.
- GEORGE: It's outside? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
JIM: Oh, I can't wait for some Mickey ears.
I'm sorry, B-Dog.
Call him a cute nickname again and no turkey legs for you.
Tonight I am alone.
(lisping): Esta noche estoy solo.
(sighs) REBECCA: Sorry, I'm not feeling well.
Valencia, can you show Jason out, please?! - All right, it's time to move on.
- Wait, uh Whoa.
- It's now that you're leaving.
- What? Bye! What about our date? (exhales) Oh, Valencia.
The cats are killing me.
Which cats? Funky! So what do you do? Well, I'm about to finish business school, but I'm, uh, I'm actually You know, I had this crazy idea Never even really told anyone But my dad used to have this restaurant out by the freeway and I'm thinking about re-opening it as my thesis project.
It was this great local Italian restaurant and it got overrun by all these chains, - so I think it'd be cool to revive it.
- NATHANIEL: Totally.
What are you doing? Oh, my God! (whoops) You scared me.
Snuck up on me there.
(whoops) Just keeping an eye out.
Still very casual, don't worry.
Oh, I'm not worried at all.
Except about you.
Be nice to have an Italian restaurant.
Yeah.
We still own the building, but we can never sell it or re-open it because of all these new zoning laws.
I don't even know where to start with addressing that.
Dude.
I could totally help you.
I'm real estate lawyer.
I eat local zoning restrictions for lunch.
Really? You would help me? I mean, how much do you cost, though? You seem expensive.
I am.
But lucky for you, I've recently become a nice person, so I'm easy.
Just buy me a beer.
Okay.
Oh, okay.
Okay, they're going into business together.
That's fine, that's fine.
That's fine.
Nothing bad can happen there.
Okay, I'm gonna tell 'em.
I'm gonna walk right up to 'em.
I'm gonna rip the Band-Aid off, I'm gonna tell 'em the truth.
We're all gonna laugh about this.
Gonna be hilarious, we're all we'll-we'll laugh.
Good, I'm glad.
Okay.
Where are they? Where did they go? Do you think they left together? REBECCA: (sighs) At least I have the right medicine now.
I think I scared away Jason forever, though.
Girl, you almost scared me away forever.
It's such a bummer.
Jason was so nice.
I really liked him.
Well, if you like him, then text him.
Tell him the truth.
He sent you a picture of himself pooping.
What's going on with you is not grosser than that.
I mean, for me, it's all gross and none of it should be talked about, but for you guys, it might be fine? Do it, girl.
Tell him.
So, Jason, what happened was And here's the truth I got a yeast infection and I kind of over-corrected a bit and gave myself bacterial vaginosis, but I'm on the right medicine now, and I'll be better in a week and if you're still down after reading this text message, I would like to hang out very much.
Respectfully yours, Rebecca Nora Bunch.
And send.
Was that good? Well, I might have phrased it a bit differently Again, we're very, very different people - But - (phone chimes) Oh, my God, it's Jason.
W-Well, what'd he say? He said, "That's cool, let's hang out tonight.
"My mom's a gyno, NBD.
"I'll bring over a room spray, put on some thick sweats.
" Hmm.
Also, son of a gyno? What a dream.
BERT: Paula, will you tell Darryl that the client from Azusa wishes to file a soil-assessment request with the wildlife management office? Nope, not gonna do that.
Also, he just heard you.
Jim, tell Bert that any idiot knows that ecological soil testing needs to be done on-site and he would know that if he wasn't a weirdo who used to live in a sewer.
Wait, start over.
I only got the first part of that.
BERT: You know what, I'm nice.
I'm very nice.
But I also have very thin emotional skin.
Like my finger skin.
Which is now protected.
Thank you so much, Bert.
Because of Darryl, I feel myself regressing into a more raw state.
I've had to go to group therapy every morning this week, which has interfered with my morning desert spelunking.
You have cost me the love and the cherishment of my loved ones.
Cherishment not a word.
My professional family! Oh You've ruined everything.
And you stole my upper lip style choice, - you son of a - PAULA: Oh! - Aah! Get away from me! - Aah! - What is your problem?! - Stop it! Stop it right now! - Stop it! Stop it! - (both grunting) That is enough! - I wasn't doing anything.
- Get off.
We can't go on like this.
We need to call in a professional.
Father Brah, it's so cool you do workplace meditations.
Yeah, in this economic climate, I can't afford - to not diversify.
- Hmm.
Father, I have a confession.
You're super cute.
Oh, uh, uh, please don't.
Okay, workplace conflict arises when we bring our emotional needs to a transactional environment.
It's Darryl's fault.
I think he's borderline and has BPD or maybe he has narcissism and has NPD.
Or is in the NYPD.
Or he's NPH.
I love when he hosts the Tonys.
By the way, he was so right this year.
Who was that weird lady backstage with the tiny top hat? Do not put this on me, Bert Buttenweiser.
Or shall I say Buttenweasel? - (gasps) - You knew exactly - what you were doing.
- GEORGE: No, no.
I cannot go through this again.
Saturdays with Dad, Sundays with Mom.
Holidays with who knows who Well, check the calendar, Georgie.
Where's my favorite windbreaker? You must have left it at your mother's place.
Well, then, why don't you ask her new boyfriend to buy you a new one since he's so much wealthier than me? BRAH: Bert, Darryl, I think you can see the toll this is taking on your employees.
Can you put aside your personal differences and your facial-hair resentments for a moment? Is this stupidity over? He's right, I've been terrible.
We're hurting people.
People we care about.
I'm sorry.
You can be the Dad.
- You be Dad.
I'll be Papa.
- Uh, again, I encourage you to see this work environment through a professional lens, if possible.
Okay, then.
It's settled.
- Daddy, Papa.
- So, no? And I will relinquish my glorious facial hair.
I guess, on some level, I grew the mustache because I wanted to compete with you.
You are so kind and beloved.
Aw.
BRAH: I think we did it.
Yeah, well done.
Good job, everyone.
Um, everything you said was super smart, and I just wanted to ask what are you doing later, and do you like oatmeal draft lattes? 'Cause I do.
I'm a priest.
I'm a Capricorn.
I think this could work.
I never thought I'd have a gym buddy, mostly because I never thought I'd have a gym.
Yeah, and I don't usually talk to people who are sweating.
Or just people in general.
- But I'm nice now, so - You know, you don't need to say it.
You could just be it, and people will think it.
Hmm.
Having said that, I am glad I met you.
It's really hard to make a new friend, - and it's been great to take my mind off my personal life.
- Oh, right, your ex.
Yeah, it's so stupid I'm even thinking about her at all after what she did.
- Pretty bad, huh? - As bad as it gets.
- Oof.
- And what's worse is I want to forgive her.
I-I just can't stop thinking about her.
I-I hear you, man.
I'm in the same boat with my ex.
I mean, she clearly dumped me, and I can't stop thinking about her either.
I mean, God, women, they are our equal in every way.
Well, maybe you should just tell her how you feel.
I've done that.
Like, four times.
It never works.
Yeah, but you just told me that you've changed.
Does she know that? Kinda.
I don't know.
(scoffs) How about this.
How about you tell your ex that you've changed, and I'll tell mine I can't stop thinking about her.
- When? - Now.
Yeah.
And this isn't just the lemonade talking.
- Really? Should we? - Yeah, come on.
Use your legs, weakling! Ah, that's a little too much, though.
Yeah, sorry.
It felt weird coming out.
No, you're right, we should.
Why don't you go first.
I'll pay the tab because, not only am I nice, I'm also rich.
I'll work on that.
- I'll work on that.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
All right, good luck.
You too.
WHITE JOSH: Oh, my God.
My friend from the wine bar just texted me.
Greg and Nathaniel had a drink together and they're both gonna see their exes.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- I have to go.
I have to go do something.
- What? - I don't know.
- What are you gonna do when you get there? I don't know, okay? I'm gonna think of something very eloquent to say on my way over there and then I am going to say it to them - when I get there.
- Okay.
REBECCA: I'm so glad you came over.
(music playing over TV) Hey.
I know it's still a little problematic for me down there, but there's other stuff we can do.
Oh.
Okay.
Are you sure? Yeah.
(music stops) Whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper This is Elated Cat Interpreting this happy moment In the language of dance.
REBECCA: You know, I'd like Cats way better if it were just a plot-free dance revue.
JASON: What? God, I'm nervous.
Why am I nervous? I didn't do anything wrong.
I didn't sleep with anyone's dad.
I've never even met Rebecca's dad.
- Greg? - Hey Oh, you came here for moral support? Thanks, bud, but I got it.
Wait, how'd you even know where I was? Oh, God.
You're that Greg.
Wait.
You're that jerk real estate dude she dated? Yep.
Yep, that's me.
- So that means that Rebecca had sex with your Yes.
Him and me and obviously, you.
(panting) Ah.
Uh-huh.
Greg, Nathaniel.
Nathaniel, Greg.
Oh, you did that already, huh? Oh, man, I I did not do a good job with this, huh? So I'm gonna I'll just see you guys at the, uh Nope, no.
Probably not.
Okay.
I'll see you guys.
("Sex with a Stranger" playing) (indistinct chatter in distance) What is that? Ugh, I think I have some of those feral cats on my patio.
I got to go get rid of them.
Okay.
Don't take too long.
I won't.
Keep yourself horny.
Stay in the mood.
I can't believe this.
Oh, I can.
When I get around Rebecca, this is the kind of thing that happens to me.
What are you guys doing here? I wanted to talk to you.
I also wanted to talk to you.
Okay.
About what? JASON: Is everything okay? Jason, it's-it's fine.
This is a long story.
- Just-just get back in, okay? - JOSH: Is it the feral cats? Don't get bitten! I will protect you Oh.
Hey, dudes.
What's going on? Rebecca, who are these guys? These are my ex-boyfriends.
- What is he doing here? - We live together.
Platonic platonically.
Yeah.
Those are not platonic panties.
You know what? I'm gonna head out.
- NATHANIEL: Yeah, me, too.
- Also, me.
(stammers) God, women are the future.
Wait, guys.
No, no, no.
No, no, Jason, Jason, don't go.
I can explain.
Guys.
Guys! What did you want to tell me? (exhales) Sorry, Becks.
I was trying to save you from the cats.
(door closes) Nostalgia I'm feeling nostalgia Such heartbreaking nostalgia For the last time I boned.
Did somebody say bone? I'm the Doggy Dog and I'm wagging my tail Okay, that's enough.
Sniffing some ass as I walk up VALENCIA: Okay, so, wait All of your exes showed up on your doorstep? Are they still into you? I don't know.
I'm so confused.
I mean, they all had something to say and they saw each other, and no one said what they wanted to say.
Oh, God, and I've tried to text Jason, like, "Jason, I'm so sorry about tonight," but he's not getting back to me, so that's done.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
After everything you've been through this week with your vagina.
I know, and I didn't do anything wrong.
No.
I was just trying to get laid.
Which now, apparently, will never happen.
God.
Men.
Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em.
Yeah.
We get to say that.
We do.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Wow.
I really liked that Jason guy.
You kidding me? Have you seen Josh? Meow.
Josh? Honey, Nathaniel.
That's where it's at.
Mmm, I'm more of a Greg girl myself.
I still can't stop thinking of Marco.
He flipped me like a pancake.
Ooh! (giggles) - Meow.
- That's nasty.