Curb Your Enthusiasm s04e09 Episode Script

I don't know why I ever married this man.
What a schmuck.
Shlomo, what is taking you so long?! My God! What the hell are you doing?! Get out here! You are such schmuck! Can't you do anything right? Is it so hard to keep this with that? Putz.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about that.
Have a good day.
Larry, hmm? How are you, Anna? Oh, I'm just never been better.
So what could I do for you, my friend? Well, got a little suit here needs a cleaning.
My wife and I are renewing our vows.
- 10 years we've been married.
- Oy.
Wow.
I bet you make her very happy.
No, she's the most miserable woman in the world, believe me.
You're pretty fit, Larry.
How you stay so fit? What do you do? I run away from hoodlums it keeps you in shape.
So what do you think, you can get this get this done for me for oh, I need it by oh no, I got that dinner party tomorrow? You could have whatever you like, Larry.
So do I need a ticket or anything? I know you, Larry.
You don't need no ticket.
Okay.
Larry.
- Rabbi.
- We got a cantor already.
It's okay.
Huh, you got can I be the new cantor? - I think I can do it.
- Can you do it? I think I could.
So you ready for the big day? I'm all ready for Saturday.
I want to thank you for doing this.
- It's a pleasure.
It's a pleasure.
- Yes.
- It should be painless.
I promise.
- Okay.
Looking forward to it.
Is that you? That's, uh that's Eddie Silverman.
He's my brother-in-law.
He, uh he died on September 11th.
Oh my gosh.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
Terrible.
He was in the building? No no, he was uptown on 57th Street.
He got hit by a bike messenger.
- It's awful.
- Uptown? Yeah.
Yeah.
It was bike messenger hit him.
- What a shame.
- Yeah yeah.
Well, that's, uh - Hey, Rabbi? - Yeah? Um, can I discuss a private matter with you? Please.
Anything.
I'm a rabbi.
Anything you want to say.
before we got married my wife told me that if we stayed together for 10 years, that for our as a present to me, she would let me have relations with another woman just one time.
And this is like this is a gift to you? - It's like I have total permission.
- Yeah? She's almost kind of challenging me in a way, in a kind of demeaning way, she doesn't think I'm suave enough.
- Oh really? - And I want to.
It's the only opportunity I'll have for the rest of my life.
I've never cheated on her, I never would cheat.
This is all on the up and up.
- So you're conflicted about it? - Yes, yet I kind of I'll be honest, it would be nice.
You know what comes to my mind, Larry? What comes to my mind is the story of Abraham and Sarah.
Sarah could not conceive and said to Abraham, "Go in to your handmaiden Hagar, and have relations with her.
" Abraham's wife said that to him? - Yeah, absolutely.
- Get the hell outta here! It's right there in Genesis.
I think that you can look at that as a very real precedent.
This woman's never gonna replace your wife.
- She's not gonna mean anything.
- Of course not.
- So I mean there's no danger of that? - No! It's not an act of love anyway.
- It's lust.
- So so you know "Love"I don't know what that has to do with sex? - Yeah, well it has a lot to do, but - Yeah, for sure.
I would say that she's giving you something out of generosity and I think you should probably accept it in that same sense of generosity.
And I'm not a bad person if I do it? No no, you're not a bad person if you I'm a bad person anyway, but I'm not am I an extra bad person? No, it does not make you an extra bad person.
I've got to start coming to temple more often.
I'm glad I could be helpful with this.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You're very welcome.
You're very welcome.
I'll see you tomorrow night for dinner? Yes, I'm looking forward to that.
Oh listen, Larry, I was talking to a friend of mine, and, uh he's a survivor, and he would love to meet you.
Would it be possible for me to bring him to dinner? - Of course! - I don't want to impose or anything.
There's no imposition at all.
Bring him over.
That's fine.
- That's wonderful.
- It's just going to be my family.
- He'll be thrilled.
- It's not a big deal.
- Okay.
- All right.
Go, enjoy.
Rabbi, thank you.
Okay.
Yes, Your Honor, I do admit for the last 20 years I've been a lying, double-crossing, two-faced - Just stop it! I can't stand it! - Call a truce.
All right? All Summer.
- How's it going? - It's not going well.
I'm trying to memorize this stuff, they're making a racket.
- I've got two weeks.
- You're doing great.
I'm gonna be humiliated.
Oh, the rabbi said he's bringing a survivor tomorrow.
Should I have my father bring his friend Solly, who's also a survivor - the guy with the glass eye? - Oh, right.
- Remember him? - Yeah.
You think that's a good idea? Do survivors like seeing each other? Do they like to talk about old times or does the sight of another survivor depress them? I think you should invite him.
- Invite him.
- I guess if I was a survivor, - I'd want to see somebody - Somebody you have a shared experience.
Yeah, talk about see that's the thing.
Do they want to I don't know.
How are your vows coming along? I just haven't had that much time - to really work on it yet.
- This is important to me.
The whole thing's gonna be embarrassing.
You didn't tell me this was gonna be part of the whole thing that I'd have - to say this in front of people.
- Okay, I'm giving you a good gift.
Okay, so this is what I have so far.
"May I always have the wisdom to look past your shortcomings and appreciate all of the goodness you possess.
We promise to continue loving each other unconditionally, not only throughout this lifetime, but after death through all eternity.
- We stand before you" - Huh? Wait a second.
- What? - What was that about eternity? Um "We'll love each other throughout this lifetime, but after death, through all eternity.
" You mean this is this is continuing into the afterlife? Yeah, that's the idea.
- Do you have a problem with that? - Well, l I thought this was over at death.
I didn't know we went into eternity together.
l isn't that what it said in "till death do us part," I thought it was - You have a problem with eternity?! - Well We finally found each other, Larry, and we're celebrating this for all eternity.
I just I guess I had a different plan for eternity.
I thought I thought I'd be single, I guess.
I'm sorry.
I'm interrupting your single life in eternity? No, I just didn't realize that this relationship carried over after death.
Well, it does! It carries over! - I guess I just took that for granted.
- Okay do you not want to renew our vows? Because No, I want to renew our vows until you know I didn't can we take out the eternity part? No.
Okay.
It's nice meeting you.
This is a treat.
This is really a treat.
- The treat is ours.
- Hi.
Look at you.
You look great.
- You happy? - Yeah, I'm very happy.
Do I really need to wear a suit for this? Yes, look at everybody who's dressed up.
So what have we got going on? Oh yeah, you should say hello to the rabbi, and, you know, mix and mingle with people.
- Larry.
- Hello, Rabbi.
- Hello.
- Hello.
This is Colby.
Hi, Larry.
Nice to meet you.
- Where's this survivor? - What? He's the survivor.
From the from the television show.
- "Survivor.
" - I was over in Australia.
- I'm a huge fan of "Seinfeld.
" - He really is.
How is Jerry? - He's good.
- Yeah? Is he still doing standup? I just thought you two should meet, you know, - fellow celebrities, I thought - Uh-huh.
- Thanks again for having me over.
- No problem.
Okay, I'm gonna, uh, say hello to my dad.
- Okay.
- Thanks again.
- Great sense of humor.
- He looked thrilled to meet you.
- Stunned.
- It was neat.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- You're the "Survivor" guy? - Hello, Solly.
Hello.
How are you? - Good to see you.
- You too.
You have a beautiful house.
Oh thank you.
Thank you.
- There's gonna be a dinner? - Oh, there'll be a dinner.
A delicious dinner.
I like it, I like it.
Hey, Solly, Cheryl and I are renewing our vows on Saturday.
Why don't you come keep my father company? Oh, thank you, thank you very much.
Listen, where is the other survivor? He's that, uh, tall guy over there.
He's He's from the television show.
"Survivor"? Huh, what? So here we are in a region of Australia, where out of the world's - Snakes.
- nine of them inhabit this region.
It was harrowing.
You come across a taipan on the trail, you get bit, you're dead I'll tell you that's a very interesting story.
Let me tell you, I was in a concentration camp.
You never even suffered one minute in your life compared to what I went through.
Look, I'm saying we spent 42 days trying to survive.
We had very little rations, no snacks.
Snacks? What are you talking snacks? We didn't eat, sometimes for a week.
- For a month, we ate nothing! - Don't.
- I went from - All right.
I couldn't even work out.
They didn't have a gym.
- A what?! - I wore my sneakers out.
Next thing you know I've got flip-flops.
- Flip-flops! - We slept on the ground, on the dirt.
with 98% humidity.
- 45° below zero! - Did you guys have a bathroom? - A bathroom?! - We didn't have one.
We had 12 people at a time would go and shit - Well I'm sure you had toilet paper.
- We had newspaper.
- We had mosquitoes.
- Mosquito?! You see this glass eye?! - Have you even seen the show? - Did you ever see our show? It was called the Holocaust! All I know is I was damned close to that million dollars.
And the whole time, everyone's backstabbing me and undermining me, - trying to get me kicked off the show.
- Don't aggravate yourself.
You know nothing about survival! I'm a survivor! - I'm a survivor! - I'm a survivor! - I'm a survivor! - I'm a surv Somebody get a sponge.
I don't understand.
Why don't you get a sponge? What? I just told her to get a sponge, that's all.
Are you getting dressed, Larry? The rabbi wants to start the ceremony by noon.
My suit's not in the drycleaning.
I can't find it.
- What are you talking about? - It's not there.
The guy gave me everything that we had in there.
- She wasn't there? - No, the husband was working.
Oh, okay.
No wonder why.
She doesn't give me a ticket.
She doesn't give you a ticket? You know, she knows me.
I go in there a lot.
I go in there a lot.
She gives me a ticket.
Well then, just wear your black suit, okay? I got this new suit just for this occasion.
You shouldn't have made me wear it to the dinner party.
Oh my God.
I don't know what to tell you.
If they're closed, they're closed.
You know what? I always see their van on Ocampo.
I'll bet it's parked in front of their house.
- Maybe they'll open the store for me.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's worth a shot.
- Okay, if that's what you're gonna do, you need to go now, all right? And if not, I'll wear the black one.
You'll wear the black one.
Larry.
- What are you doing here? - Well, um actually I, uh I kind of need a bit of a favor.
I'm so sorry for disturbing you.
You would never disturb me, even if you tried.
That's very sweet of you.
Anyway How did you know where I live, Larry? I had seen your van parked outside before.
You've been stalking me, haven't you, Larry? - No, not really.
I saw the van there.
- Oh, Larry.
Anyway, I'm so sorry to bother you on the Sabbath.
I was kind of wondering if it would possible if there was any way that you could go open the store so I can get my suit? Well, you know it is the Sabbath.
I cannot drive.
Well, we can walk over there.
It's I can take you piggyback.
Oh, now you're talking, Larry.
You know, Shlomo is at shul.
Oh.
Do you want to come in for a drink? Hmm? Actually, I really don't have that much time.
We're renewing our vows, and I kind of got to get going.
Your vows with your wife.
Yes yes.
- 10 years? - Yes yes, 10 years.
- Yeah yeah.
- I too have been married for 10 years.
Yeah.
I'll go get the keys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What are you doing here? You should be getting ready.
- I had to go pick up my suit - Oh.
from the drycleaners.
I had to go to her house.
- The Hasidim one? - The one I was telling you about.
She invited me in for a drink, then we went to the store - we set something up.
- You're kidding me! I told her about the 10th anniversary present.
One time.
It's on.
Wow! Great! - And guess what? - What? - I've got the rabbi's blessing.
- You talked to the rabbi? I spoke to the rabbi.
I have his blessing.
- So you gotta go get a sheet now, huh? - What are you talking about? The Hassids, they have sex through a sheet.
That's not come on, that's a myth.
Better show up with a sheet or you'll be in big trouble.
- Really? - Yes.
- Hey, Susie.
- You forgot the cantaloupes.
- Where are the cantaloupes? - Forget the cantaloupe.
Come here for one second.
Come here, come here.
- How do the Hassids make love? - What do you mean? When Hasidim make love, how do they do it? - With the sheet you're talking about? - Yeah.
They put in a hole in a sheet and there's through that.
- You're kidding.
- You didn't know that? - I thought it was a myth.
- Everybody knows that.
It's not a myth.
They cut a hole, the man puts the penis in they can't touch each other.
It's a religious thing that they do.
What do you talk about, how Hasidim have sex? No, it just came the subject came up! Help me with the bags, all right? - Wow.
- Yeah.
How do you like that? I gotta get a sheet.
Know what you should do? You should spring for a satin sheet.
Really? I don't think that would be good.
You'd be sliding all over.
- Well.
- Cut it beforehand, you think? Beforehand! Show up with the hole beforehand.
You gotta do that.
I would think it might be kind of fun cutting the hole with her, sharing it, you know? Jeff, will you bring in the groceries?! - I'm coming! - I'll see you later.
All right, bye.
Larry? Look, aren't you glad I picked it up? My mother is very upset right now, and she says she's not coming to the ceremony.
- What? Why? - Because of your sponge comment.
- You want me to go talk to her? - Yes, I do! She was just trying to help out.
Then she should've got the sponge.
Why does she want somebody else - to get the sponge? - Oh my God.
If she's trying to help, then get the sponge.
Mom.
Mom, I just want to apologize about the you know, the whole "sponge" thing.
What happened that night because of the whole the survivor confrontation it just brought up a lot of stuff about the Holocaust, and it's kind of in my DNA and I was very flummoxed by it.
Very flummoxed.
You wouldn't understand, but if you were in my religion, what happened to my people things came out that shouldn't have been said.
and I certainly apologize for that.
- Thank you.
- And even though, you know, you were kind of right by the kitchen you were the closest one there, I thought.
- You don't respect me.
- Oh, that's not true.
- I don't think you like me.
- I like everybody.
- I have - I'm a people person, I like everybody.
I love people.
You know what? Let's just put this behind us, come on.
- Come on.
- What is this? Let's go, let's go! Let's go.
Let's go to ceremony.
Come on, this is crazy.
It's so silly, come on.
A sponge.
Yes, come on.
Next time you're by the kitchen - Oh, get out! I'll get my dress.
you'll get a sponge.
You're standing two feet from the kitchen.
You get the sponge next time, so what? - Oh my gosh.
- All present and accounted for.
I've never seen such a car in my life.
It's a beautiful car.
My beautiful Cheryl, Larry, congratulations.
Thank you.
Thanks, everybody.
It's so nice to be here.
What a pleasure this is here.
Glad you're here, Solly.
Listen, wait till you see these two getting married.
You've got a big affair yet.
What is he doing? He's mimicking me.
Why are you mimicking me? No no no, the light from your glass eye, it's reflecting on me.
You-you were making fun of me! - No no no! - I don't like this here! I don't want to be here! No more! Hold it, stop the car! No, Solly.
Wait, Solly.
Please, don't get out.
Somebody get a sponge.
Right, so then I'll do the blessing the last blessing.
Just a little bit of Hebrew, and then I will put the glass on the floor and you'll step on it and that'll be it.
That's when everybody yells a "matza toff"? No no, it's mazel tov.
It means good luck.
- Could we say yippee or something? - Or good luck? - Hallelujah would be good.
- Can you just say mazel tov? - Anything else? - Um, just that the Hebrew, I mean, are we gonna know what you're saying? I'll translate it.
It's very basic.
Want me to translate? "We love God.
Thank you, God.
Thanks, God.
God, you're great.
Oh, God, you're wonderful.
You're amazing, God.
It's all God.
" It's a little overdone, but Well, it's a blessing.
It's more about you than God.
Larry, I'm sorry.
You know, I don't want to change the subject, but isn't there something you can do about that stain? I mean, it's horrifying.
Yeah, I know.
It's a it's a go-home stain, but I didn't go home.
I mean, I just it's kind of disrespectful.
Just in terms of standing in front of the ark and - Mm-hm.
- Excuse me, does anybody have a mint? I got a mint.
It's in my pocket.
Do you want me to hand it to you? It's loose.
It's not in a package.
Or do you want to put your hand in my pocket and get it yourself? You got three options.
You can do one of those two things or you can refuse it.
- There you go.
- Cheryl, honey, would you Reach into Larry's pocket for an unwrapped mint? Sure.
- This is fine.
Here.
- Thank you, darling.
Great.
A loose mint.
You got your mint.
Great.
- Okay? - Everybody ready? - Yeah.
- Let's roll.
What? "Let's roll"? What did you say? What? You knew that my brother-in-law died on September 11th.
How dare you say something like that! With all due respect, wasn't that just a coincidence? - Poor choice of words.
- What the hell kind of a - All right - Oh, you know, I don't want to do this! Forget it, forget it! I didn't know, that if you - Larry.
- that if you died uptown on 9-11 that it was part of it of the tragedy, l Do I have to listen to this? Do I have to go on and on and on about this? I didn't know that an uptown death on West 57th Street was part of the tragedy.
I-I don't think I want to do this.
I-I really don't.
You look like a slob.
- I don't think you're serious.
- What? No.
- You could've gone home with - Rabbi, you're going very far.
We came all the way from Florida for this, and we like to get it over with if you don't mind.
- He doesn't know what he's doing.
- He really doesn't.
What do they say in the Bible? - "He knows not whereof" - Don't try to quote the Bible.
Just don't don't try.
- Let's quit.
- Cheryl, I'll do it.
- Rabbi, thank you.
- I'll do it for you.
- I really appreciate it.
- "He knows not whereof" I'm sorry about your loss.
- Larry, you be quiet.
- Thank you, thank you.
Come on.
All right, let's vamoose.
Let's vamoose! Okay.
And may we continue to love each other unconditionally, not only throughout this lifetime, but after death through all eternity.
- That's very moving, Cheryl.
- Thank you.
Okay, Larry.
Uh I'm drawing a blank here, Rabbi.
I don't have the paper.
You know what? Just speak from your heart.
Just speak to Cheryl, look into her eyes, and it'll come the words will come.
Things have been good.
It's a very good relationship It's pretty good.
It's pretty pretty pretty pretty good.
And I am your devoted servant well I don't know about servant, but I'm not a servant, but I'll certainly help you if you ever need help with anything, you know that.
I'm in the house a lot.
You want to open a bridge table? Whatever you need.
I'm not a great handyman, and I'm not good at making plans.
That I don't do very well I have to admit.
She makes the plans.
She makes good plans.
We always have stuff to do.
And I will love you for the rest of my life.
Until the day I die.
I'll love you until death.
That's a pretty good thing.
Not that many women have that.
Right now till the day I die, there will never be any other woman till death.
And we don't, you know after death who knows what happens? - Even you you don't know.
- No.
I promise to love you through all eternity.
All right, eternity.
Okay, okay.
Uh before I pronounce you man and wife, it's time to break the glass.
Here we go.
I'm just gonna Oh God, my hand! Oh, it's bleeding! Jesus! Somebody get a sponge.
Hey.
It's about fucking time, Larry.
My God, I've been waiting all day.
Come on in.
- What is that? - My suit.
I got it stained at the ceremony.
I figured as long as I'm here, I'd drop it off with you.
- Drop it off with me? - Yeah.
- Here? - I figured you'd save me a trip.
Why didn't you take it to the cleaners? Well, I'm here.
You're a cleaner.
I'm not going to schlep your dirty clothes all the way there.
Why should I? What's the big deal? Put it in your trunk.
- You're going over there.
- Throw it in your trunk.
You take it in your fucking car, and you go over to the cleaners.
Not a big deal.
You do it all the time.
I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone.
I am not going to schlep your dirty fucking clothes over to the cleaners, Larry.
My God! - How do you deal with wine stains? - We get them out.
- What about blood? - Of course.
We get everything.
We're very good we're the best cleaners around.
- Wine and blood? - Wine and blood! You got your work cut out for you with this one.
- What is wrong with you? - Don't get so riled up about it.
- I'm not so riled up.
- You're going to the store anyway.
You come here to fuck or you come here to talk about your dirty suit? Hmm? Fuck or suit? - Okay, the first one.
- Well there you go.
Let's go.
I don't got all day.
- So you're not gonna take the suit? - Jesus Christ! All right.
- Where'd you get the sheet? - Linen store.
Who brings a sheet to a hotel? And what's it there's a hole there.
Yeah 'cause your Hasidic.
What, do you believe that stupid shit? What kind of fucking idiot are you? Oh my God.
Oh shit! It's an earthquake! Wait, Larry! Oh, Jeez! Larry! Hey, we survived.