Dad's Army (1968) s04e09 Episode Script

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think we're on the run? We are the boys who will stop your little game We are the boys who will make you think again 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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21 But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? Platoon, stand at ease! Atten'shun! - Try and do it with the others, Jonesy.
- Sorry, Sergeant.
Thank you, Wilson.
Stand at ease! I know what's happening, sir.
You're that end of the line and your voice of command takes time to travel through the air.
- Yes, well, something like that.
- If you nod your head, sir, he'll catch on quicker.
Sir, if you nod your head, you'll not find me wanting.
Oh, no, we can't get involved in all that stuff.
- Now, pay attention - Hup! - What's the matter, Jones? - You nodded, so I sprung to it, sir.
We're not doing that now.
Now, I've been approached by some of the womenfolk Hup! - What is it now? - I was standing to attention, so I eased myself.
Some of the womenfolk want to join our fight against the common foe.
- Making the tea and cocoa.
- Buttons! - I beg your pardon? - Buttons, sir.
They could sew on buttons.
Precisely, Frazer.
Make a note of that, Wilson.
That's a very good point - Hup! - Jones! Yes, sir.
Oh, we're not doing the nodding, are we? Sorry, sir.
There will come a time when he'll have to go.
Yes.
The new girl at the sweet shop is ever so obliging.
Really? - That sounds like the sort of girl we want.
- Yes, comforts for the troops.
We don't want that sort of talk here.
Sir, there's a lassie works for the Gaslight and Coke Company.
She's a sonsie girl.
Big, strong thighs that Yeah, they're very strong when they got strong thighs.
Don't I know it, yes! Bring them along tomorrow night.
We only need a handful.
They'll release us, the fighting troops, to grapple with the enemy.
Jonesy and Frazer won't have much energy left after grappling with those strong thighs! All right, Walker, I shan't tell you again! Run, rabbit, run, rabbit, run, run, run Run, rabbit, run, rabbit - Hello, Wilson.
- Good evening, sir.
- How goes the recruiting? - The men have brought along quite a few.
- Right, let's bash on.
Bring 'em in.
- Yes, we'll find out who's first, sir.
Right, now Sergeant Wilson, this is Mrs Fox.
- Hello, Mrs Fox.
- How do you do? - Would you care to step this way? - Oh, ta ever so.
Come on in here.
What a very humid day it's been, hasn't it? - Oh, yes, it has.
- You look so wonderfully cool.
Yes, you do.
- Thank you.
- Yes, you really do.
- This is Mrs Fox, sir.
- How do you do, Mrs Fox? Nicely, thank you.
Mrs Fox is one of my most regular customers, sir.
I'm sure she'll give complete satisfaction, sir.
Yes.
Thank you very much, Jones.
How terribly rude of me.
Do sit down on this chair.
- Do make yourself comfortable.
- Thank you.
Is there anything I can do for you? Cup of tea? - I don't think so.
- Wilson, Wilson! - The kettle's on.
- Well, if you insist.
Wilson, Wilson, just a minute! I'd like a word with you outside.
Excuse us, Mrs Fox.
- Yes? - OK, Wilson - I know you fancy yourself as a ladies' man.
- What? Those women will have the same discipline as the men, so let's start as we mean to go on.
- At least we can be polite to them.
- I agree.
But we don't need all this Jack Buchanan stuff! - Let's stick to the matter in hand.
- As you say, sir.
Come on, let's get back.
Sorry about that, Mrs Fox.
- Now, the name was Fox.
- Yes.
- What's the Christian name? - Marcia.
- Marcia - What a pretty name! - Do you really think so? - Yes, it's one of my favourites.
I love that name.
- Wilson, Wilson! - Sorry, sir.
Mr Mainwaring, here's my address.
I've put my age on the bottom.
I was just telling Mr Mainwaring I've put my age on the bottom.
- Occupation? - Widow.
Is that an occupation? In Mrs Fox's case, I would say it was almost a calling.
Wilson! - Mrs Fox, would you like to join us? - I didn't know you'd come apart! That's awfully good.
Very funny, Mrs Fox.
Very funny.
Don't you think so? That was a very funny joke.
I'll take that as an affirmative answer.
Thank you, Mrs Fox.
- Thanks ever so much, Mr Mainwaring.
- Let me show you out, Mrs Fox.
Thank you.
- Mrs Fox has got a very dry wit, sir.
- Got a what? She's got a dry wit, the way she comes out with the jokes.
This is the young lady I was telling you about, sir.
Ivy Samways.
Oh, yes.
Ivy Samways.
She's the one, apparently, who is so awfully obliging.
Yes, thank you very much, Wilson.
Now Jones, you needn't stay.
Thank you, sir.
- Now, then, Miss Samways - (JONES CLICKS HEELS) You're a shop assistant, aren't you? Get out, Jones! You're a shop assistant, aren't you? - What's your address? - (QUIETLY) 27 Jutland Drive.
- I beg your pardon? - (QUIETLY) 27 Jutland Drive.
- I'm sorry, I still didn't quite catch that.
- (QUIETLY) 27 - Jutland Drive! - Oh, Jutland Drive! Yes.
What number? - (ALMOST INAUDIBLY) 27.
- Hmm? Now, then, Miss Samways, I wonder what sort of a task we can find for you.
Answering the telephone, do you think, sir? You're trying my patience rather far today, Wilson.
She might be awfully good at looking after the secret files, sir.
- That's all, thank you, Miss Samways.
- Thank you.
- A word, sir? - Yes.
The lassie from the Gaslight and Coke Company cannae be here tonight, sir.
But she's very keen to join.
She's just the sort we need, sir.
Fine, firm-bodied lassie.
Sonsie, you understand, wi' big, strong thighs.
Yes, all right, Frazer.
- Bring her along tomorrow.
- I'll do that, sir.
This is a friend of mine, Mr Mainwaring.
Edith Parish.
Miss Parish.
Have you an occupation, Miss Parish? Yes, I'm an usherette.
Down at the Tivoli cinema.
They're the ones with the torches.
- Then you must see a lot of pictures.
- Oh, yes.
I see a lot of other things an' all! Now, where do you live, Miss UsherererParish? - Erm, down Berwick Road.
35.
- Berwick Road.
I live with my dad.
He's six foot three, so don't you go getting any ideas! That will be all, Miss Parish.
She'll come round tomorrow.
You shouldn't have said that.
I don't think that's the class of girl we want here, Wilson.
No, sir.
Possibly not, sir, no.
- Any more? - No, I think that's it, sir.
Send the men home.
I'll see if I can sort some of this out.
All right, sir, very good.
Well, thank you very much indeed, ladies and gentlemen (KNOCK AT DOOR) Come in.
- Captain Mainwaring? - Yes.
I heard you were needing women helpers for the Home Guard.
Yes, that is correct.
Do take a seat, please.
Thank you.
I've been told all about this platoon from its very beginning.
I think you've done a wonderful job.
We try to do our best for old England in her hour of need.
I'd love to help, just to feel I was doing something.
Oh, good.
Your face is familiar.
Are you a member of the golf club? No, I've not been in Walmington long.
I brought my mother from London because of the bombing.
I'd love to have stayed, not that there was much I could have done, but just being there would have shown Hitler we're not going to give in! By Jove, that's the sort of talk I like to hear.
What name? - Gray.
- Gray.
- Christian name? - Fiona.
Fiona? What a pretty name.
- Do you think so? - Yes, it's always been one of my favourites.
Thank you.
Have you an occupation? Widow, if you can call that an occupation.
I think in your case, Mrs Gray, it's almost a c Widow.
And the address? - 31 Wilton Gardens.
- Oh, you're in Wilton Gardens, are you? - That's quite close to us.
- Yes, I see you go to the bank every morning.
How punctual you are! We thought you were three minutes late the other day.
- Was I? - No, the clock was wrong.
Well, I have to set an example to the youngsters.
Oh, I do agree.
All the old standards are declining so rapidly.
Oh, they are.
They are indeed.
Yes, well, I mustn't keep you.
Shall we say tomorrow night? We usually parade at seven o'clock.
I can't wait to start.
My life consists of coffee in Ann's Pantry and making the dahlias grow.
Oh! I love dahlias.
Do you really? Do you grow them, too? Unfortunately, no.
No, my wife says that they encourage the earwigs.
Oh, what a shame! She's quite right, of course.
Captain Mainwaring, may I ask you something awfully personal? - Yes.
- Do you always wear glasses? - Yes, I always have.
- Would you take them off for a moment? If you wish.
Oh, that's so much better! Do you know, I think spectacles Well, they take away the warmth in a person's eyes.
Just as a fireguard takes away so much of the heat.
Yes, I suppose they do.
I've never thought of it that way.
Hello, sir.
- Still here, I see? - Yes, this is a new recruit.
Mrs Fiona Gray.
Fiona? What a pretty name! Yes, I think I've got all your details.
- Shall we say tomorrow night, Mrs Gray? - I can't wait to start.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
- Now, there's a charming woman.
- Yes, I'm sure she is, sir.
That's exactly the sort of material we're looking for.
Yes, of course, you're always a pretty good judge of that sort of thing usually.
It will be most interesting to see how they all shape up, won't it? Oh, no, it isn't the spring It's love in bloom (WILSON) Mavis, go through the main entrance.
I'll be with you in a moment.
Here, sir Are you all right, sir? Have youlost or broken your glasses or something? No, certainly not.
I just took them off for a moment.
- Right Let's go and get on with it, shall we? - Right, sir.
Platoonatten'shun! - Welcome, ladies.
- (LADIES) Good evening, Mr Mainwaring.
I thought today I would just teach you the simple rudiments of foot drill, so we can all turn out as a disciplined body of menand women.
Now, first of all, the ''at ease'' position.
Now, to stand at ease properly, you have the feet comfortably apart, about 18 inches.
And you place the right hand over the left just over your botin the the small of the back there.
- Have you all got that? - Yes.
- Lot of red-tape nonsense! - No talking in the ranks, Mum.
Pike! No talking in the ranks! Now, to stand to attention from this position, you place the weight on the right foot.
Raise the left I'm doing this in slow motion, you understand.
Then bring it up to the - Are you all right, sir? - Yes, of course.
Bring it up to the right foot so.
Now, here comes the tricky bit.
At the same time, you put the hands down by the sides with the thumbs in line with the seams of the trousers.
- Permission to speak, sir? - Yes.
These ladies are not wearing trousers, sir.
'Cause they're ladies, you see.
They can put their thumbs down the side of their knickers.
Walker, fall out! Go and stand over there! - You'll take no further part in this parade! - I didn't say nothing.
Right, let's try that.
Give the order, Sergeant.
Right, sir.
Platoon, atten'shun! No, no, no.
No, that was very sloppy.
- Not you, Mrs Gray.
That was very good.
- Thank you.
Now, I want you to stand upright, stomach in, chest out.
Not you, Mrs Fox.
That's very good.
Stand at ease! Atten'shun! Captain Mainwaring, may I point out that Miss Ironside here is doing it very well? Her legs are coming together with a firm, strong action.
Just you listen, sir.
Thank you, Frazer.
I hadn't noticed that that girl's got very big thighs.
Had you? Well, no, sir.
They just look a little bit on the long side, I would say.
Yes.
All right, everybody stand to attention.
We come now to the left and right turn.
Now, to turn right, you swivel on the right heel and the left toe - thus.
Onetwo.
One, two, one (HUMS TUNE) Walker! Walker! Now, you brace the thigh of the rear leg as you go.
Brace them thighs.
I like to see them well braced! Frazer! And you lift the left leg and bring the foot into the right one thus.
Blimey, what a way to win a war! The Captain knows best.
Listen to what he says.
Godfrey! Look to your front.
Stop staring at the ladies! Quite right.
He's woman-mad, he is, woman-mad! Walker! If there's any more from you, you'll be sent home.
Right.
Now, everybody face the front.
Atten'shun! Very good, Mrs Gray.
Left turn! - There's some confusion as to which is which.
- Yes, I know, I know.
It's the same as in the American Civil War.
You know that war they had over in America, sir.
They had similar trouble because all the soldiers they got in it were rough country yokels.
Most of them didn't know their (CLEARS THROAT) .
.
from their elbow, sir.
They got a very ingenious idea.
They tied a bit of straw to one boot, sir, and a bit of hay to the other boot.
When the commanding man wanted to turn left, he shouted, ''Hay turn!'' Or alternatively, ''Straw turn,'' depending on whether the straw was on the left foot or the hay was on the other foot, but they had to get themselves organised, so all the men had either the straw on the left foot or Is that any use to you, sir? 'Ere, that's a good idea, sir.
You can say, ''Good evening, ladies.
What nice straw-ers you're wearing!'' That's it! - Get off home! - But I haven't said nothing.
I'm not arguing with you.
That's an order! There'll always be an England While there's a country lane (HUMS CHEERILY) - Oh, good morning, Captain Mainwaring.
- Good morning.
What a surprise! - Won't you join me? - Thank you.
I haven't seen you in here before.
I get in from time to time when I can get my nose away from the grindstone.
- Yes, please? - Oh, thank you.
No, I don't want any of that.
I beg your pardon.
No, thank you.
Just coffee for me.
What a good idea! Yes, just coffee, please.
- They used to do lovely Devonshire teas.
- With jam and cream? Oh, yes.
I remember just after the First World War another chap and I borrowed a flivver and took a spin out to Ann's Pantry just for the Devonshire teas.
I got the rough end of my governor's tongue when I got back.
He thought I'd toddled off with a bit of fluff.
- It was all harmless fun in those days.
- Yes, of course it was.
Mind you, we used to set the pace now and again, you know.
Do you know, your whole face lights up when you laugh.
I think you're reallya very jolly person at heart.
Oh! Yes, I suppose I am, really.
Not that a bank manager gets much time for joking and jesting.
- Ah! - Thank you.
- Separate bills? - Yes, please.
No, please, have this with me.
- Good morning, Captain Mainwaring.
- Hmm? Godfrey, is it? - I haven't seen you here before.
- I come in from time to time.
I'm just on my way to the clinic.
Have you mislaid your glasses? No, I'm just resting my eyes a little.
If you'll excuse me Charming man, that.
One of my most loyal soldiers.
I think they're a wonderful band of men.
Hello, Captain Mainwaring.
I haven't seen you here before.
I come in from time to time.
'Ere, listen, if you've bust your specs, I know a fellow with 500 frames, hardly used.
I haven't broken them.
You haven't seen me.
I'm delivering some sweet stuff.
- Some sugar? - Yeah, ssh! You haven't seen me! Oh, by the way, I haven't seen you either.
You know what I mean? Don't worry.
Heart of gold, that man.
Do anything to youfor you.
- Whereabouts in London do you live? - Just near Regent's Park.
It was hopeless for Mother.
They have the ack-ack guns there Oh, dear.
That was careless talk.
Don't worry.
Any secret is safe with me.
Good morning, Mr Mainwaring! - Don't often see you in here.
- I come in from time Oh, never mind.
I'll join you in a minute.
This is Mrs Prosser.
Captain Mainwaring.
- How do you do? This is Mrs Gray.
- How do you do? Mrs Prosser is a very good friend of mine, but there's nothing in it.
- I see.
- Don't tell Mrs Fox, though, will you? I give her pieces for her cat and, on her part, she keeps me company from time to time.
- Yes.
Thank you, Jones.
- Thank you.
I'm sorry, I had looked forward to a nice cup of coffee and a quiet chat.
So had I.
I must confess that I came in here deliberately on the off chance of seeing you.
Do you know, I rather hoped you would.
Pike, what do you want? Mr Wilson is sorry to spoil your tete-a-tete, but the bank inspectors are here and would you come at once? Yes.
Thank you, Pike.
I'm afraid I have to dash away.
Perhaps we can meet again very soon.
- I'd like that.
- See you on parade tonight.
I shall look forward to it.
Sorry I have to go.
Two coffees? That'll be eightpence, please.
It's love in bloom All I'm saying is Mainwaring is making a perfect fool of himself.
It's the only way of putting it.
Well, they come twice last week to see ''Forty Little Mothers'' with Eddie Cantor, then they come again last night to see ''Shipyard Sally'' with Gracie Fields.
- They have coffee every morning.
- I haven't seen them.
They go to the Dutch Oven now.
I have to fetch him if there's anything important at the bank.
Yeah, it's absolutely I tell you, he's making a He'll ruin himself! Somebody ought to tell him! Hello, Wilson.
It must be nearly time for parade, isn't it? What? Yes, it is.
Just in a few minutes' time, sir, yes.
Good.
I have an announcement to make to the ladies' section.
Yes, yes, the ladies' section.
I've been I've been meaning to have a word with you about that, sirfor some time.
Oh, yes? It's none of my business, but unless I say something, who will? Wilson, if you've got something to say, stop shuffling about and cough it up.
- Are you in some sort of trouble? - Oh, no! No, no, no.
No, sir, no.
Good Lord, no! It's just with the ladies' section, sir.
Do you think it's just possible that some of us might possibly be making tiny little fools of ourselves? Ah! I see.
- Well, thank you for your frankness, Wilson.
- Right, sir.
Can't have been easy to speak to me on so delicate a matter.
No, sir, no.
I thought I'd just better do it for the best, you know.
- I'm not insensitive to what people are saying.
- No, of course not, sir.
And I'm therefore going to disband the ladies' section with the exception of a few special helpers.
Oh, I see, sir.
Yes, yes, quite.
All right? Well, that should settle your problem.
And keep Mrs Pike out of your hair.
Come along, Wilson.
- Everybody here, Corporal? - All present and correct, except Mrs Gray.
Is Mrs Gray not here? How strange! Perhaps she's feeling a bit under the weather.
Favouritism.
Ivy says she's all right 'cause she saw her going to the station with two heavy suitcases.
- To the station? - About ten minutes ago.
You saw her go to the station with two suitcases ten minutes ago? There's only one train now, the 8.
40 to London.
- Take the parade, Wilson.
- What? Yeah Would you like me to make the announcement, sir? Oh, Lord! - Not too strong, please.
- Not much chance of that, dear.
Anything else? - No, thank you.
- Just tuppence, then.
(DOOR OPENS) What's this? What's happened? Nothing.
I'm just going back to London.
- For how long? - I don't know.
A month or two.
Perhaps for good.
But you never mentioned it or even hinted at it.
I just thought it would be for the best.
Butbut II don't want you to go.
I just live from one meeting to the next.
I know, and I'm just the same, but it's the only thing to do.
People are talking.
- Who cares about that? - But there's your wife.
Nobody will talk to HER.
She hasn't left the house since Munich.
Be sensible, George.
You can't afford scandal and tittle-tattle.
- I don't care! - There's the bank.
- Damn the bloody bank! - George! I'm sorry.
Look, don't get that train.
- George, I must.
- I implore you, don't get that train! We'll meet once a week.
You're making this very difficult, but I've made up my mind.
It's the only way.
- (PORTER) Victoria! Victoria train! - There's my train.
Fiona, I've never begged anybody in my life, but I'm begging you not to go.
- Finished with this chair? - Yes, take the damn thing! - I'm sorry, George.
- I'll take that, it's heavy.
Can't we talk about this? Go tomorrow.
Walmington-on-Sea! Walmington-on-Sea! Victoria train! Make way for this lady, will you? (PORTER) Hurry along, now.
Hurry along, please! - Here, I'll do that.
- Hurry up or you'll be coming to London, too.
- Where can I get in touch with you? - You won't be able to.
- You'll write, won't you? - After a little while, perhaps.
Stand clear, sir! - And pull those blinds down! - Promise you'll write! - Very well, I promise.
- (PORTER BLOWS WHISTLE) - Make it soon.
- Goodbye, George! Goodbye, Fiona.