Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s04e09 Episode Script
Do the Right Thing ... If You Can Figure out What I
This is going to make a great coffee table.
Tell me again.
Give me her words exactly.
Vinnie, for the hundredth time, I said, "Janine, it's good to hear from you.
" She said, "I want to see your new loft" and talk to Vinnie.
" She was irritated? The irritation I added.
Why are you getting so worked up? I'm not worked up.
I'm totally blase.
I always knew she'd come crawling back.
Is that why you just ate a wax grape? O.
K.
, so I'm a little tense.
I'm not sure how I feel about this.
I'm not the callow youth Janine remembers.
I'm older and more experienced.
A whole eight months.
Eight months is a lifetime.
I've seen other women, including several stolen from you.
A real man wouldn't need to keep reminding me.
That's her.
She may not even recognize me.
I'm a little taller I think.
Yeah? Maybe you should wear one of those "hello.
My name is Vinnie.
Guess how tall I am" tags.
Do you want me to disappear? No.
I need you here in case her groveling gets out of hand.
Hi, guys.
Hi Um Janine.
Janine.
Doogie, what a great loft.
Don't you hate it when people leave their junk behind? I'll bet some jerk actually used that for a coffee table.
Pathetic.
So How's it going? Great.
I just got a promotion at work.
I'm an assistant buyer, youngest assistant buyer in rendell's history.
That's terrific.
How are you, Vinnie? I'm o.
K.
Don't I look o.
K.
? I heard about your parents splitting up.
I thought you might be hurting.
Oh, that.
Nah, I'm fine.
Are you sure? Well, um, a man can be only so brave.
Naturally, I feel some pain.
Oh, you poor thing.
There's an ache in the pit of my heart.
I was wrong to deny it.
I see that now.
That's why I wanted to see you.
Oh, so this is an errand of mercy? No.
I kind of missed you, too.
Well, you're only human, Janine.
I have to get to work, but I wanted you to have my card.
That's my extension Embossed.
It cost plenty.
I thought maybe you could call me sometime.
Maybe.
Well, I'll just See myself out.
O.
K.
What's that smell? It's Calvin klein's obsession.
She used it on our first date.
It's our odor.
What's the latest in Paulette's saga? We transplanted her two months ago.
Now she's disappeared.
She misses appointments.
You can't contact her.
She has no phone.
She'll surface when she runs out of cyclosporine.
Let's think twice before accepting somebody for transplant who doesn't have a phone and won't get one.
That's a bit extreme.
Giving a heart to one patient means denying it to another.
The patient has to at least match our commitment to life.
Who's waiting for hearts in-house? Jack fogle Advanced cardiomyopathy with decreasing renal function.
Dr.
howser put in a vascular shunt yesterday.
The procedure was successful, but his cardiac status is worsening.
Mr.
fogle is 45, German descent, married, one teenage daughter, he has strong family support, a good mental attitude.
His smoking? He said he hasn't smoked in 18 months.
That's the kind of commitment we need to see.
He's a good candidate.
I'm sure of it.
Is that it? Then we are agreed.
Mr.
klein moves to the top of the a-b list for the first available a-b heart.
On the "o" list, I'd like to move Mr.
Fogle to the top.
And that puts Barbara Charles on deck.
And we're done.
Very tricky.
I'm on to you, fogle.
Is that you, howser? The queen's gambit didn't work for fischer in yugoslavia, and it certainly won't work You were smoking.
Don't look so tragic, doc.
One cigarette isn't going to kill me, right? You were told to quit for a reason, Jack.
One or two butts in a crisis.
I won't do it anymore.
Look, I'll prove it to you.
We can keep this quiet, can't we? My old lady will have my hide.
Now, quit dodging the real issue The bishop or your queen? One of them has to fall.
I've got to go.
I have rounds.
Nurse, will you get Dr.
Swenson on the phone? Dr.
howser? Yes? My dad said his doctor was my age, but you look lots older.
You must be at least 16.
I'm flattered.
You must be Amy.
Thanks.
I have Dr.
swenson on the phone.
Will you find my dad a new heart? We're trying very hard.
Please, 'cause I really don't want him to die.
Me either, Amy.
I i got to go.
He's waiting for me.
Dr.
howser.
Tell Dr.
swenson I'll, uh I'll get back to him.
O.
K.
Talk about your horns of a dilemma.
I'm truly on the horniest of horns here, if you get my meaning.
I don't get why you aren't happy.
Janine dumped you, right? And now sorry now she comes crawling back, to use your elegant phrasing.
Isn't that every guy's fantasy? Of course I'm glad Janine's back.
It presents a host of potential predicaments.
I know I'm going to regret this, but how? Look, Janine is not a girl I can be nonexclusive with.
We're not together now, but when we are, the old contract comes back in force.
What contract? The standard true love contract.
The party of the first part shall not partake of any other party's parts unless he wants Janine to take him apart.
Doesn't this contract ever expire? No.
Doog, doog, it is a sacred oath.
You know? Sealed each time we kissed, pledged with these same lips, sealed with our very spit.
Hmm? No, thanks.
I'm not thirsty anymore.
With Janine you've got this Saliva deal, but with other girls, you can play the field.
Precisely.
Even though your heart is telling you to do one thing, your Your head's telling you to do another.
Now you're catching on.
Sure, you've got a choice, but no matter what choice you make, somebody's going to feel bad, and something's got to be sacrificed.
Howser, I'm impressed.
Have I taught you that well? You know, what the hell.
Chances are I'll start aggravating Janine, she'll start calling me "you little Italian worm," she'll dump me again.
In the meantime, we'll have a few laughs and spend her money.
If I report the smoking, he'll drop on the list and possibly die.
If I don't report it, I'm betraying the donors and every other candidate on that list.
Why aren't you saying anything? You already know the right thing to do.
You're here because you want my permission to change your mind.
I hate when you know so much.
When I was in Vietnam, a soldier was brought into my m*a*s*h unit.
He'd stepped on a mine.
Both legs were gone and an arm, massive internal injuries, blind.
My colleagues agreed the kindest thing was to let him die.
But as I looked at his face, all I could see were how smooth his cheeks were, like they'd never been shaved.
And he lived.
But a day doesn't pass that I don't wonder about that boy.
Did he end up the last 25 years in some v.
A.
Hospital wishing he were dead? So are you saying you regret saving him? No.
I regret being in that position in the first place.
Now, the point is, son, doing the right thing is the easy part.
Sometimes the hard part is living with it.
Is doogie here? No.
He lent me the place for tonight.
Oh, what a sweetheart.
Don't thank doogie.
Thank montezuma.
He took his revenge on the hospital staff.
Doog's working a double shift.
Now, no no looking.
O.
K.
? Really.
No peeking, now.
When can I look? O.
K.
Go ahead.
Oh, Vinnie.
That is so sweet.
Yeah? You think I went overboard on the green icing? Tell me the truth.
No.
It's perfect.
So blow out your candles.
What should I wish for? Whatever you want.
I know what I want.
Help me make it come true, Vinnie? You got a great set of lungs, Janine.
Thanks.
I used to worry about what would happen if you got successful before me.
Really? Yeah, but, uh Now I look at you, you know, doing great at work, making lots of money.
I feel nothing but pride.
That's for being a true friend.
D-did I mention respect? I also have a great deal of respect for you.
And let's not forget admiration.
Professional esteem.
I missed you, Vinnie.
I've been thinking a lot about the things we used to do together and the thing we didn't.
I beg your pardon? I love you, Vinnie.
I made a mistake leaving you, and I want to be with you now.
You're not teasing me, are you? 'Cause talk like this can kill a man.
Make love to me, Vinnie.
Oh Holy cannoli.
Oh, Vinnie Vinnie Vinnie Vinnie You didn't eat your cake, baby.
I don't need food.
I don't need water.
I don't need air.
All I need is to make love to you.
O.
K.
If I eat? Do anything you want, my steed.
Did everyone see the fireworks, or was it just me? It was just you, doll face.
Oh, Vinnie, I want to laugh.
I want to cry.
I want to dance.
I want to sing.
I want to shout it from the rooftops.
Vinnie delpino! Vinnie delpino! O.
K.
, Janine, that's very nice.
Thank you.
No.
It's not enough.
I love Vinnie! He's all man and all mine! Technically not all hers! For tonight, certainly, but there will be others! I'm in the book! No, Vinnie.
It's just us now.
You're all I need, and I'm all you need.
I need a minute.
It's too late for thought.
We've burned our Bridges and watched the flames lick the sky.
I think making love has affected your speech patterns.
I'm making enough money to get us a place.
You can move in, and in a few years, we can make it permanent.
What's the matter? Just just now, you said you love me.
Yes.
And and That's why you want to badabing-badaboom with me? Yes.
Well, that That's the problem.
You mean You don't love me? No, I do! You're starting to bug me.
After we broke up, I wished I had you back.
Now, out on my own, I've learned a lot about myself.
But I got a ways to go.
Janine, I love you too much to lie to you.
Even though I want this more than anything, anything, if what you want is an exclusive relationship, then You better go.
Of course, if what you want is a night of epic, life-altering passion I better go.
Oh, this is horrible.
This is horrible.
I hate being good.
I've hurt your feelings now, haven't I? Yes, you did.
Well, it would've hurt worse tomorrow.
Don't I get credit for doing the right thing? Janine, please talk to me.
I don't want to talk.
I just want to find a friend and cry on their shoulder.
Just 'cause we're not lovers doesn't mean we're not friends.
Hey, I happen to know this shoulder fits very nicely under that chin.
Ahh They're on the roof.
Good.
The heart's in the building.
Let's go on bypass.
Start it.
Respiration? Wash it and trim the vessels.
Dr.
howser, come above me, please, and give me some suction.
You made the right choice, Dr.
howser.
Ready, Jack? Doc, don't you know these meetings only make things worse? Quitting's easy till you have to listen to 25 nicotine addicts swearing what they'd do for just one hot lungful.
How bad did I screw up? You're not as close to a new heart as before, but I'm confident.
Together we'll get you off cigarettes.
Vinnie, stop staring at the bed like it's an accident scene.
I can't.
What a horrible paradox.
I loved her too much to make love to her.
If this is true for all mankind, how will we ever procreate as a species? If this decency movement spreads, it could be the end of life on earth.
I thought when you did the right thing, you're supposed to feel good.
I think you do.
I think you're proud of yourself.
Somewhere deep in the recesses of your conniving little horn-dog heart, there's a tiny voice, and it's saying "Sucker!" I'm not taking any more of this so-called sympathy.
You did the right thing.
Never again.
Tell me again.
Give me her words exactly.
Vinnie, for the hundredth time, I said, "Janine, it's good to hear from you.
" She said, "I want to see your new loft" and talk to Vinnie.
" She was irritated? The irritation I added.
Why are you getting so worked up? I'm not worked up.
I'm totally blase.
I always knew she'd come crawling back.
Is that why you just ate a wax grape? O.
K.
, so I'm a little tense.
I'm not sure how I feel about this.
I'm not the callow youth Janine remembers.
I'm older and more experienced.
A whole eight months.
Eight months is a lifetime.
I've seen other women, including several stolen from you.
A real man wouldn't need to keep reminding me.
That's her.
She may not even recognize me.
I'm a little taller I think.
Yeah? Maybe you should wear one of those "hello.
My name is Vinnie.
Guess how tall I am" tags.
Do you want me to disappear? No.
I need you here in case her groveling gets out of hand.
Hi, guys.
Hi Um Janine.
Janine.
Doogie, what a great loft.
Don't you hate it when people leave their junk behind? I'll bet some jerk actually used that for a coffee table.
Pathetic.
So How's it going? Great.
I just got a promotion at work.
I'm an assistant buyer, youngest assistant buyer in rendell's history.
That's terrific.
How are you, Vinnie? I'm o.
K.
Don't I look o.
K.
? I heard about your parents splitting up.
I thought you might be hurting.
Oh, that.
Nah, I'm fine.
Are you sure? Well, um, a man can be only so brave.
Naturally, I feel some pain.
Oh, you poor thing.
There's an ache in the pit of my heart.
I was wrong to deny it.
I see that now.
That's why I wanted to see you.
Oh, so this is an errand of mercy? No.
I kind of missed you, too.
Well, you're only human, Janine.
I have to get to work, but I wanted you to have my card.
That's my extension Embossed.
It cost plenty.
I thought maybe you could call me sometime.
Maybe.
Well, I'll just See myself out.
O.
K.
What's that smell? It's Calvin klein's obsession.
She used it on our first date.
It's our odor.
What's the latest in Paulette's saga? We transplanted her two months ago.
Now she's disappeared.
She misses appointments.
You can't contact her.
She has no phone.
She'll surface when she runs out of cyclosporine.
Let's think twice before accepting somebody for transplant who doesn't have a phone and won't get one.
That's a bit extreme.
Giving a heart to one patient means denying it to another.
The patient has to at least match our commitment to life.
Who's waiting for hearts in-house? Jack fogle Advanced cardiomyopathy with decreasing renal function.
Dr.
howser put in a vascular shunt yesterday.
The procedure was successful, but his cardiac status is worsening.
Mr.
fogle is 45, German descent, married, one teenage daughter, he has strong family support, a good mental attitude.
His smoking? He said he hasn't smoked in 18 months.
That's the kind of commitment we need to see.
He's a good candidate.
I'm sure of it.
Is that it? Then we are agreed.
Mr.
klein moves to the top of the a-b list for the first available a-b heart.
On the "o" list, I'd like to move Mr.
Fogle to the top.
And that puts Barbara Charles on deck.
And we're done.
Very tricky.
I'm on to you, fogle.
Is that you, howser? The queen's gambit didn't work for fischer in yugoslavia, and it certainly won't work You were smoking.
Don't look so tragic, doc.
One cigarette isn't going to kill me, right? You were told to quit for a reason, Jack.
One or two butts in a crisis.
I won't do it anymore.
Look, I'll prove it to you.
We can keep this quiet, can't we? My old lady will have my hide.
Now, quit dodging the real issue The bishop or your queen? One of them has to fall.
I've got to go.
I have rounds.
Nurse, will you get Dr.
Swenson on the phone? Dr.
howser? Yes? My dad said his doctor was my age, but you look lots older.
You must be at least 16.
I'm flattered.
You must be Amy.
Thanks.
I have Dr.
swenson on the phone.
Will you find my dad a new heart? We're trying very hard.
Please, 'cause I really don't want him to die.
Me either, Amy.
I i got to go.
He's waiting for me.
Dr.
howser.
Tell Dr.
swenson I'll, uh I'll get back to him.
O.
K.
Talk about your horns of a dilemma.
I'm truly on the horniest of horns here, if you get my meaning.
I don't get why you aren't happy.
Janine dumped you, right? And now sorry now she comes crawling back, to use your elegant phrasing.
Isn't that every guy's fantasy? Of course I'm glad Janine's back.
It presents a host of potential predicaments.
I know I'm going to regret this, but how? Look, Janine is not a girl I can be nonexclusive with.
We're not together now, but when we are, the old contract comes back in force.
What contract? The standard true love contract.
The party of the first part shall not partake of any other party's parts unless he wants Janine to take him apart.
Doesn't this contract ever expire? No.
Doog, doog, it is a sacred oath.
You know? Sealed each time we kissed, pledged with these same lips, sealed with our very spit.
Hmm? No, thanks.
I'm not thirsty anymore.
With Janine you've got this Saliva deal, but with other girls, you can play the field.
Precisely.
Even though your heart is telling you to do one thing, your Your head's telling you to do another.
Now you're catching on.
Sure, you've got a choice, but no matter what choice you make, somebody's going to feel bad, and something's got to be sacrificed.
Howser, I'm impressed.
Have I taught you that well? You know, what the hell.
Chances are I'll start aggravating Janine, she'll start calling me "you little Italian worm," she'll dump me again.
In the meantime, we'll have a few laughs and spend her money.
If I report the smoking, he'll drop on the list and possibly die.
If I don't report it, I'm betraying the donors and every other candidate on that list.
Why aren't you saying anything? You already know the right thing to do.
You're here because you want my permission to change your mind.
I hate when you know so much.
When I was in Vietnam, a soldier was brought into my m*a*s*h unit.
He'd stepped on a mine.
Both legs were gone and an arm, massive internal injuries, blind.
My colleagues agreed the kindest thing was to let him die.
But as I looked at his face, all I could see were how smooth his cheeks were, like they'd never been shaved.
And he lived.
But a day doesn't pass that I don't wonder about that boy.
Did he end up the last 25 years in some v.
A.
Hospital wishing he were dead? So are you saying you regret saving him? No.
I regret being in that position in the first place.
Now, the point is, son, doing the right thing is the easy part.
Sometimes the hard part is living with it.
Is doogie here? No.
He lent me the place for tonight.
Oh, what a sweetheart.
Don't thank doogie.
Thank montezuma.
He took his revenge on the hospital staff.
Doog's working a double shift.
Now, no no looking.
O.
K.
? Really.
No peeking, now.
When can I look? O.
K.
Go ahead.
Oh, Vinnie.
That is so sweet.
Yeah? You think I went overboard on the green icing? Tell me the truth.
No.
It's perfect.
So blow out your candles.
What should I wish for? Whatever you want.
I know what I want.
Help me make it come true, Vinnie? You got a great set of lungs, Janine.
Thanks.
I used to worry about what would happen if you got successful before me.
Really? Yeah, but, uh Now I look at you, you know, doing great at work, making lots of money.
I feel nothing but pride.
That's for being a true friend.
D-did I mention respect? I also have a great deal of respect for you.
And let's not forget admiration.
Professional esteem.
I missed you, Vinnie.
I've been thinking a lot about the things we used to do together and the thing we didn't.
I beg your pardon? I love you, Vinnie.
I made a mistake leaving you, and I want to be with you now.
You're not teasing me, are you? 'Cause talk like this can kill a man.
Make love to me, Vinnie.
Oh Holy cannoli.
Oh, Vinnie Vinnie Vinnie Vinnie You didn't eat your cake, baby.
I don't need food.
I don't need water.
I don't need air.
All I need is to make love to you.
O.
K.
If I eat? Do anything you want, my steed.
Did everyone see the fireworks, or was it just me? It was just you, doll face.
Oh, Vinnie, I want to laugh.
I want to cry.
I want to dance.
I want to sing.
I want to shout it from the rooftops.
Vinnie delpino! Vinnie delpino! O.
K.
, Janine, that's very nice.
Thank you.
No.
It's not enough.
I love Vinnie! He's all man and all mine! Technically not all hers! For tonight, certainly, but there will be others! I'm in the book! No, Vinnie.
It's just us now.
You're all I need, and I'm all you need.
I need a minute.
It's too late for thought.
We've burned our Bridges and watched the flames lick the sky.
I think making love has affected your speech patterns.
I'm making enough money to get us a place.
You can move in, and in a few years, we can make it permanent.
What's the matter? Just just now, you said you love me.
Yes.
And and That's why you want to badabing-badaboom with me? Yes.
Well, that That's the problem.
You mean You don't love me? No, I do! You're starting to bug me.
After we broke up, I wished I had you back.
Now, out on my own, I've learned a lot about myself.
But I got a ways to go.
Janine, I love you too much to lie to you.
Even though I want this more than anything, anything, if what you want is an exclusive relationship, then You better go.
Of course, if what you want is a night of epic, life-altering passion I better go.
Oh, this is horrible.
This is horrible.
I hate being good.
I've hurt your feelings now, haven't I? Yes, you did.
Well, it would've hurt worse tomorrow.
Don't I get credit for doing the right thing? Janine, please talk to me.
I don't want to talk.
I just want to find a friend and cry on their shoulder.
Just 'cause we're not lovers doesn't mean we're not friends.
Hey, I happen to know this shoulder fits very nicely under that chin.
Ahh They're on the roof.
Good.
The heart's in the building.
Let's go on bypass.
Start it.
Respiration? Wash it and trim the vessels.
Dr.
howser, come above me, please, and give me some suction.
You made the right choice, Dr.
howser.
Ready, Jack? Doc, don't you know these meetings only make things worse? Quitting's easy till you have to listen to 25 nicotine addicts swearing what they'd do for just one hot lungful.
How bad did I screw up? You're not as close to a new heart as before, but I'm confident.
Together we'll get you off cigarettes.
Vinnie, stop staring at the bed like it's an accident scene.
I can't.
What a horrible paradox.
I loved her too much to make love to her.
If this is true for all mankind, how will we ever procreate as a species? If this decency movement spreads, it could be the end of life on earth.
I thought when you did the right thing, you're supposed to feel good.
I think you do.
I think you're proud of yourself.
Somewhere deep in the recesses of your conniving little horn-dog heart, there's a tiny voice, and it's saying "Sucker!" I'm not taking any more of this so-called sympathy.
You did the right thing.
Never again.