Ed, Edd n Eddy (1999) s04e09 Episode Script

1
BRRRRRR, YEAH!
DOES YOUR LIFE
STINK LIKE THIS GUY'S?
[GROANING]
Eddy: NOT WITH
THIS THING-A-MA-JIG.
STUPEFYING, ISN'T IT?
BUT THAT AIN'T ALL THE
THING-A-MA-JIG CAN DO!
THERE'S MORE?
A LOT MORE.
AVERAGE JOE?
I HAVE NOWHERE TO SIT!
NO PROBLEMO, JOE.
THE THING-A-MA-JIG HERE IS THE
ONLY THING YOU'LL EVER NEED!
NO PROBLEMO!
LIFE.
ME SO FAST, MISTER!
WHAT'S THIS GONNA COS
US HARD-WORKING STIFFS?
YEAH. I BET IT COSTS A LOT!
A TECHNO-MARVEL LIKE THIS COULD
COST YOU UP TO A MILLION BUCKS,
BUT FOR THE NEXT 5 MINUTES,
YOU CAN HAVE IT FOR ONE
EASY PAYMENT OF 25 CENTS!
ROLF'S YAMS INFLATE WITH
GLEE AT THIS THING-A-MA-JIG!
Sarah: LET'S GO TRY IT, JIMMY.
GEE WHILLIKERS, SARAH, THIS
THING-A-MA-JIG ROCKS MY SOCKS!
HMM.
GENTLEMEN, I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER
ASSEMBLING ONLY ONE THING-A-MA-JIG.
HOW COULD WE SELL MORE THAN ONE
THING-A-MA-JIG WHEN ONLY ONE EXISTS?
EDDY, HOW COULD YOU?
YOU FALSELY SWINDLED
THOSE UNSUSPECTING CHILDREN
OUT OF THEIR ALLOWANCES!
OH, I KNOW THAT'S WHA
WE DO IN EVERY SHOW,
BUT NOT LIKE THIS.
DOUBLE-DIPPING WITHIN
ONE DECEPTION IS WRONG!
LET'S GO BUY SOME JAWBREAKERS.
ARE YOU GOING TO FINISH THAT?
[EDDY AND ED LAUGHING]
Ed: RUNNING!
[EDDY LAUGHING]
OH, LOOK UP IN THE SKY!
IS THAT A BIRD?
Ed: COULD BE A PLANE!
WHAT BIRD? DOES IT HAVE
A QUARTER IN ITS MOUTH?
'CAUSE IF I GET MY
HANDS ON IT, I'll
OH, MY ACHING
HOLY COW!
HEY, GET BACK
HERE WITH MY MONEY!
ACORNS?
Ed: DID YOU SEE THAT?
HE JUST SWOOPED IN AND POW!
RIGHT IN YOUR KISSER, EDDY!
I BET HE'S GOT, LIKE, MUTAN
POWER FEET OR SOMETHING!
HE STOLE MY CASH!
I WONDER WHO THIS
MYSTERIOUS MARAUDER COULD BE?
IT SEEMS ODD THAT HE'D
APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE
JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME.
OH, I KNOW WHO IT IS!
[OWL HOOTING]
OK, SO I DON'T KNOW.
Sarah: AWW! SARAH! SARAH!
MY BOX HAS NO THING-A-MA-JIG!
MINE WAS FULL OF BRICKS, JIMMY.
I'VE BEEN FOIST UPON, SARAH.
WAAH!
ROLF WILL TEACH THOSE RIFFRAFF
ED BOYS WITH HIS FOOT UP THEIR
Voice: YOUR MONEY
IS SAFE AND SOUND,
GOOD CITIZENS OF THE CUL-DE-SAC.
RIPOFFS ARE A THING OF THE PAST,
FOR I, CAPTAIN MELONHEAD,
AND SPLINTER THE
WONDERWOOD WILL PROTECT YOU!
IS THE CIRCUS IN TOWN?
THAT GUY SAVED OUR MONEY!
WHO WAS THAT MASKED MARVEL?
Edd: WHOMEVER IT WAS.
SEEMS TO HAVE A
COMPLEX PERSONALITY.
REALLY! ACORNS?
WE GOTTA FIND THIS
GUY AND GET MY MONEY!
Sarah: SUCKERS!
[KIDS LAUGHING]
Rolf: NO MORE THE
MR. SMART GUY, HUH, ED BOYS?
I BELIEVE THIS BELONGS TO YOU.
HEH HEH HEH!
FREE! WE'RE FREE AT LAST!
THAT GUY GAVE THEM
BACK THEIR MONEY!
Ed: OH, BOY!
HE MUST BE SOME
COMIC BOOK HERO GUY!
[GIGGLING]
COMIC BOOKS? REALLY, ED.
WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS A
CAREFREE, UPSTANDING YOUNG MAN
WHO'S SIMPLY TRYING
TO DO THE RIGHT THING.
WHY, I APPLAUD
HIS Eddy: OH, YEAH?
THIS PLACE AIN'T BIG
ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US.
I WILL HAVE MY DAY,
SCAM WRECKER-UPPER!
[CACKLING]
[BIRDS CAWING]
Edd: HOW EMBARRASSING.
OK, NOW, SAY IT. DO IT! COME ON!
AHEM. UM, I WOULD
LIKE TO PURCHASE
ONE OF YOUR BUTTS, IF I MAY.
PLEASE TAKE MY
HARD-EARNED MONEY.
YOU GOT IT, SUCKER
I MEAN, CUSTOMER.
HERE'S YOUR BRAND-NEW BUTT!
OH, HAPPY DAY!
THANK YOU, DISHONES
STORE CLERK.
I WILL GO AND USE MY BUTT NOW.
HEY, HOLD YOUR HORSES!
THIS BUTT'S BEEN USED!
HA HA! YOU'VE BEEN FOOLED.
I HAVE RIPPED OFF THE
INNOCENT YET AGAIN!
[WHISPERING]
Keep an eye out, Ed.
OH, BOY, OH, BOY, OH, BOY,
OH, BOY, OH, BOY HUH?
I SEE HIM, EDDY!
RIGHT ON TIME.
SHED A TEAR, 'CAUSE
CAPTAIN MELONHEAD IS HERE!
WAH HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
YOU'VE MET YOUR
MATCH, MELONHEAD.
PREPARE YOURSELF
FOR PROFESSOR SCAM!
HA HA HA!
THE EVILDOER HAS ARRIVED!
HE'S LOST IT, HONESTLY.
UNHAND THAT MONEY,
PROFESSOR SCAM!
NEVER. HI-YA!
I WILL NOW MAKE MY ESCAPE
IN MY BAD-TO-THE-BONE,
MEANER-THAN-A-JUNKYARD-DOG
PROFESSOR SCAM FLIER!
HA HA HA!
OOPS.
OOH! OOH!
[WHISTLING]
IT'S MELON TIME!
LOOK OUT FOR THOSE FEET, EDDY!
HA HA HA!
YAAAAHHHH!
OOF!
OH, NO. DOUBLE D!
PROFESSOR SCAM HAS
UNMASKED CAPTAIN MELONHEAD!
YOU'RE THROUGH, MELONHEAD.
REVEAL YOURSELF!
THERE'S TWO HALVES TO
EVERY MELON, PROFESSOR SCAM.
THAT WAS CLEVER.
OH, YEAH?
WELL, MY RAY OF RICHES
WILL CURL YOUR TOES!
THINK FAST, MELONHEAD.
THE RAY OF RICHES
WILL NEVER PENETRATE
THE FORCE PEEL OF MELON.
HAD ENOUGH, MELONHE UNH!
[LOUD RUMBLING]
AAH!
OH! HUH?
HI-YA!
FREEZE, MELONHEAD,
OR THE SIDEKICK SWELLS
UP LIKE A BALLOON.
Melonhead: SPLINTER!
THIS IS BETWEEN ME AND
YOU, PROFESSOR SCAM.
GIVE ME AN EXCUSE.
NO!
WAIT! TAKE ME! I'M
THE ONE YOU WANT.
I SURRENDER, PROFESSOR SCAM.
BUT, EDDY, NOT MY GRAVY!
SILENCE, HENCHMEN!
OH, COME ON, EDDY. HAVEN'
YOU MILKED THIS ENOUGH?
LOOK AT ME!
WILL YOU GUYS JUS
LAUGH LIKE EVIL HENCHMEN,
FOR PETE'S SAKE?
TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOUR
TOMB OF DOOM, MELONHEAD.
HA HA HA HA!
LOOK! OUR HERO DANGLES
LIKE VICTOR'S MILK SPOUTS!
VICTOR'S GOT MILK SPOUTS?
YOUR GRAVY GRAVE AWAITS!
HE'S DEAD!
MY GRAVY, DOUBLE D!
WHOA! OH!
HA HA HA HA!
Ed: RELEASE THE GRAVY!
'CAUSE I, AVERAGE JOE, SAYS SO!
ED!
LEAVE A MARK, MELON DUDE!
Eddy: I GIVE! I GIVE!
OUCH! OWW! OUCH!
MY GRAVY IS SAFE TO FERMEN
ANOTHER DAY, DOUBLE D.
THANK YOU FOR SHARING
THAT INFORMATION, ED.
[EDDY SCREAMING]
Eddy: OH, YEAH?
WELL, DON'T COUNT YOUR SEEDS
BEFORE THEY HATCH, MELONHEAD,
FOR LIKE A BEAN
BURRITO, I SHALL RETURN!
HENCHMEN, TO THE SCAM FORTRESS!
IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES TILL
SOMEONE GETS A SPLINTER.
[EDDY LAUGHING]
CITIZENS OF THE CUL-DE-SAC,
PROFESSOR SCAM WILL NO LONGER
THREATEN YOUR WEEKLY ALLOWANCES,
AS I, CAPTAIN MELONHEAD,
AND SPLINTER THE WONDERWOOD
WILL ALWAYS FIGH
FOR JUSTICE AND THE
GIVE IT A REST, JONNY.
Sarah: YEAH, WE
ALREADY HEARD IT.
TOODLE-OO, CAPTAIN MELONHEAD!
Rolf: WHAT A FINE HEAD
OF PRODUCE HE HAS, YES?
BACK TO THE MELONCAVE,
WONDERWOOD.
ANOTHER DAY OW!
AND ANOTHER
DOUGHNUT, HUH, BUDDY?
[LAUGHTER]
KEVIN LOOKS LIKE HE'S
READY TO BUST AN ARTERY.
HA HA HA!
HAVE A SODA, CURLY-LOCKS.
WE'RE CELEBRATING!
I DON'T WANT ANY PART OF THIS.
YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE, EDDY!
OLD SHOVELTON CAN'T DO NOTHIN'.
HE GOT GROUNDED TODAY. HA HA HA!
A TOAST TO SHOVELTON!
WITH LOTS OF BUTTER!
AHH!
A DAYTIME NAP CAN INVIGORATE,
BUT NOTHING IS MORE GRATIFYING
THAN A GOOD BOOK, JIMMY.
[MOANING]
Eddy: QUICK! DOUBLE D!
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA
BELIEVE THIS. KEVIN GOT
RECYCLED BOOKS, EDDY!
LOOK AT THIS PROFUSION
OF KNOWLEDGE!
THE LIBRARY WAS HAVING A
SALE. HOW COULD I RESIST?
LOOK AT THESE GEMS:
NOCTURNAL BURROWING
INSECTS COOL!
THE ENCHANTED
SPLEEN COMPELLING.
SCORES OF SPORES
I CAN RELATE.
101 LATIN PARTY JOKES.
Ed: DO TELL!
ARGH!
THE ENCYCLOPEDIA
OF OBSCURE DISEASES?
THIS LOOKS EDIFYING.
"THE LACKADAISY-CATHRO DISEASE."
LISTEN TO THIS, ED.
"SYMPTOMS INCLUDE THE RATIONALIZING
OF MUNDANE CIRCUMSTANCES,
HABITUAL CLEANLINESS, AND AN
ABNORMAL FIXATION TO HEADWEAR."
THAT SOUNDS RESEMBLING,
'CAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE, UH
IT SOUNDS LIKE
SOCKHEAD, BONEHEAD!
ME? REALLY?
WHY, THAT'S JUS
PLAIN SILLY. HA HA HA!
I'll GIVE YOU RATIONALIZING,
BUT HABITUAL OR
ABNORMAL FIXATION?
PLEASE.
DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?
KEVIN'S STUCK IN HIS ROOM.
GROUNDED, I TELL YA!
QUICK! HE'S HIDING!
HA HA HA!
[GROANS]
[WHISTLE]
[DOORBELL RINGING]
AH, AH, AH. YOU'RE NO
SUPPOSED TO BE OUTSIDE.
YOU'VE BEEN GROUNDED!
GRRRR!
[EDDY LAUGHING]
Ed's voice: HELLO, KEVIN.
WHY ARE YOU SUCH A SAD SACK?
'CAUSE HE HAS BEEN GROUNDED.
OH, PARDON ME.
[LAUGHING]
I SHOULD BE IN SHOW BUSINESS.
EDDY, DO I MUMBLE MY WORDS?
HUH? YOU SAY SOMETHING?
QUIT MUMBLING AND
PUT THAT BOOK AWAY.
[GASP]
"OTHER SYMPTOMS INCLUDE
WEAKNESS IN THE LOWER EXTREMITIES."
HUH?
EDDY, I THINK I HAVE
LACKADAISY-CATHRO DISEASE!
Eddy: GIVE IT UP, DOUBLE D.
YOU'RE ABOUT AS SICK AS ED IS.
Ed: HELLO, I'M STINKY
AND I'M CLEMMY!
HA HA HA HA!
BUT NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT,
YOU DO LOOK KIND OF
GREEN AROUND THE GILLS.
Ed: HE DOES? WHAT A PITY.
OH, I'M SO SICK.
[MOANING]
HEH HEH HEH! LE
ME SEE THIS THING.
YEP, THIS IS YOU
ALL OVER, DOUBLE D.
HA HA HA! HA HA HA!
Eddy: IT SAYS HERE.
THERE'S SOME TESTS TO
SEE HOW ADVANCED IT IS.
TESTS?
OF COURSE, TESTS!
MEDICAL SCIENCE WILL
PROVIDE THE ANSWER.
PAGING DR. ED. DR. ED.
ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.
I WILL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
I'M CONFUSED, EDDY.
HOW IS ED QUALIFIED IN
SAY IT AIN'T SO, DOUBLE D!
CONFUSED?
THAT'S A SYMPTOM OF THA
LACKADAISY-CATHRO DISEASE!
AAH!
I'll BE BACK.
NICE SHORTS, ROMEO.
PLEASE, REST YOUR BUTTOCKS.
HA HA HA!
Kevin: HEY!
HMM.
AN EGGBEATER, ED?
IS THAT PART OF THE
WHAT IS IT?
HMM.
WHAT IS IT, ED?
Ed: HMM.
HUH?
HMM. HOW LONG HAVE
YOU BEEN A SIZE 2?
SIZE 2?
BUT I'VE ALWAYS WORN
A SIZE 5 SHOE, DOCTOR.
SOUNDS LIKE ANOTHER
SYMPTOM TO ME.
DID DR. ED GIVE YOU THE
RUBBER GLOVE TREATMENT YET?
OH, EDDY, THIS LACKADAISY-CATHRO
DISEASE IS PROGRESSING RAPIDLY!
I'M SO UNWELL.
JEEZ LOUISE!
HAS ANYBODY TRIED
TO KICK YOU YET?
NO.
GOOD, 'CAUSE THAT'S
THE FINAL SYMPTOM.
YOU'RE IN THE CLEAR, BUDDY BOY.
WHY, I FEEL BETTER ALREADY.
THANK YOU, DR. ED.
OH, NO!
I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T HAVE
THAT LAST SYMPTOM, DOUBLE D.
YOU GOTTA FIGHT THIS, MAN!
DOCTOR, PLEASE, DO SOMETHING.
NEXT!
Edd: WAIT!
[GROANING]
TELL ME THE TRUTH, DOCTOR.
HOW LONG AM I FOR THIS WORLD?
HUH?
UM TILL LUNCH?
HERE. QUICK, WRITE.
HURRY, DOUBLE D!
A POEM ON THE BEAUTY
OF LIFE AS I KNOW IT?
NO, YOUR WILL.
LEAVE ME SOMETHING NICE.
Ed: OH! OH!
AND I WILL TAKE YOUR HAT,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OH, DOUBLE D, I KNEW THEE WELL.
[SOBBING]
HA HA HA! [CRYING]
POOR DOUBLE D.
DOUBLE D AIN'T REALLY
SICK, LUMMOX, REMEMBER?
THAT'S SOME GOOD TV RIGHT THERE.
NOW, BACK TO OUR CAGED RAT.
HEY, JUGHEAD! OVER HERE!
Ed: WHOA HO HO!
I AM TURNING INTO
A WEREWOLF, EDDY!
[LAUGHTER AND
INDISTINCT CHATTER]
MY BELOVED PEER GROUP.
EDD BOY, WHY DOES YOUR FACE SAG
LOWER THAN NANA'S INNER THIGHS?
COME! JOIN US FOR BEACH
MERRIMENT AND EGGPLANT ANTIPASTO.
DEAR ROLF, ALWAYS
GIVING, THOUGHTFUL
THAT'S WHY I WAN
YOU TO HAVE THIS.
A PEANUT SMASHER?
OH, ROLF, YOU'RE SO UNEDUCATED.
GLOOMY GUS IS RIGHT, BUDDY.
JONNY, IS THAT YOU?
I'D LIKE TO BEQUEATH TO
YOU MY REMOTE CONTROL.
FAR OUT!
DOUBLE D, ARE YOU,
LIKE, GOING SOMEWHERE?
NAZZ, NAZZ, NAZZ
SO MANY THINGS LEFT UNSAID.
REALLY?
LIKE WHAT, DOUBLE D?
[SOBBING]
WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?
THE SICKENING PANG OF
HOPE DEFERRED, SARAH.
HEH HEH HEH!
OH! HEE HEE HEE!
CURSE THIS DREADED
LACKADAISY-CATHRO DISEASE!
DUDE, LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S
PLAYING A JOKE ON YOU.
DON'T SWEAT IT, OK?
Sarah: WHAT AN IDIOT!
OH, THOSE THOSE
RAPSCALLIONS!
[WATER DRIPPING]
Kevin: OK, NOW I'M MAD.
[LAUGHING]
ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELVES?!
HANG ON THERE, HAMLET.
HA HA HA!
TOO RICH, HUH, DOUBLE D?
LISTEN TO ME!
HOW CAN WE NOT?
THIS WAS FOUND ON MY BODY!
YOU HAD ME BELIEVE
I WAS EXPIRING!
RAGE! AIN'T THAT A
SYMPTOM, DR. ED?
I GOT OUT EARLY
FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR.
KEVIN?!
HONEST, I TRIED TO STOP HIM
BUT ED INSISTED WE
BUST YOUR CHOPS.
HE DID!
SPONGE STAMPEDE!
GET BACK HERE!
Both: KEVIN CAN'T GE
US, KEVIN CAN'T GET US ♪
OH, NO, ED! I'M SO SCARED!
I'M SHAKING LIKE CHEESE!
[LAUGHING]
GRRRR!
Edd: AHEM.
OH, LOOK, EDDY'S
SPARE HOUSE KEY.
OOPS.
HOW CARELESS OF ME.
I SEEM TO HAVE MISPLACED IT.
Eddy: NO! NOT THE FACE, KEV!
KEVIN'S JUSTIFIED
PUMMEL DISORDER:
SYMPTOMS ARE BRUISING OF THE EYE
FOLLOWED BY A SORE REAR END
AND A RAPID RELEASE OF HOT AIR
FROM AN INFLATED EGO.
HA HA HA HA!
ED, EDD N EDDY BRRRRRR, YEAH!