F is For Family (2015) s04e09 Episode Script
Land Ho!
1
[woman] This is the final boarding call
for Mohican Airways flight 38,
hopefully flying nonstop to Cleveland.
Thanks for taking me on this trip, Bob.
I promise, after these training sessions,
there won't be any more problems
with that X-ray doohickey.
That's splendid, Red.
I just hope that teacher knows
the difference
between giving lessons and giving orders,
'cause I don't like being pushed around.
Don't like it one bit.
Oh, Christ, are you gonna talk
the whole flight?
Only until the quaaludes kick in.
This trip is gonna be great.
Just you and me, the two musketeers.
Thanks for letting me come along, Bob.
Things at home are a fucking nightmare.
Aw, shit, Frank's coming?
Yes, he is.
Now move your crap off my seat.
-You're not the boss of me!
-Yes, I am! That's all I am!
-Hold the plane for Rosie!
-Him too?
Ooh, boy. This trip came
at the right time.
Now I can clear my head and figure out
how I can stop that shifty-ass mayor
from ruining my neighborhood.
And I'm giving my wife four days
to realize
that when she married me,
she struck fucking gold.
And I'm gonna patch things up with my son!
Ah, shit. Maybe next year.
["Come and Get Your Love" playing]
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[grunts] Ah!
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[boom]
[man] This Sunday, celebrate
the mellow West Coast sounds
of the new Kweeze 109.5
at the sunniest, breeziest blowout
of the fall:
KweezeToberfest.
Get your citrus on,
try something called an avocado,
and kick back to tranquil, easy vibes
from La Cienega Sunset,
La Cienega Sunrise,
Pomona Freeway, Mild Salsa Alert,
and others!
Did you hear that? He's talking about you!
"And others!"
Oh, my God! This is our big break!
How much pussy can you get
when you're "and others"?
I don't know, but I think you're gonna
leave that washing machine behind.
Y'all mind if I put a load in her?
Hey, hey, let's focus on the music now.
If all you want to do is get some stank
on your hang-down,
start cleaning chimneys.
I thought we were here
to bring this band into the big time.
Yeah, we are. Listen to Vic, guys.
He's been in the music business forever.
[chuckles]
-Well, not forever, Kevin.
-Well, longer than I've been alive.
Hey, man, I only got 15 years on you!
Let me tell you something,
it goes like that!
Now we got a lot of work ahead of us
before Sunday.
We're gonna change your look,
change your names,
work on your sound
until it's breezy as shit.
No pressure, but if this doesn't work out,
I'm gonna kill myself. [chuckles]
Now let's get fucking mellow!
[man] Uh, this is your captain speaking.
We are now beginning our descent
into Cleveland.
[passengers coughing]
This bed's for me and Frank.
[flatulence]
I've been holding that in
since Steubenville.
Jesus Christ, I'll take the other bed.
[groans] I'll sleep on the chair
and the luggage rack.
Better call the missus first.
Oh, there's so much to see
in this glorious city. [gasps]
James Garfield's birthplace [gasps]
Eliot Ness's deathplace.
Oh, my God, Frank, this one's
gonna get your ding-dong ringing!
The Bowling Ball Museum!
They have Hitler's personal ball.
-He only had the one, you know.
-Hey, Bob, don't forget why we're here.
We got to get certified
to run that fucking X-ray machine
so this airline can stay in the sky.
Okay, take it easy, Frank.
You know what they say,
all work and no nougat
-Bob, are you allowed to eat that stuff?
-It was a long flight.
Taffy helps unclog the ears. [grunts]
I'm fine, baby. We're all in the one room,
but it should be okay.
[blabbering]
I'm motorboating myself.
Yeah, I still regret saving his life.
See you soon now. Love you.
Hey, you want to call home, Frank?
Sure. I'll break the bad news to Sue
that my plane landed safely.
[dial tone]
Hey, you know what?
When I left this morning,
she told me not to call.
So fine, I won't.
And besides, I don't want to hear
any more shit from her about my dad.
So fuck it.
[Bob] Good for you.
Thanks, Bob.
I'm glad somebody supports me.
No, I was just reading the name
of this candy bar.
Fucking ingrate.
Sucker punches me in the kisser.
His old man who put clothes on his back.
The thankless fuck.
The guys in the kitchen
just loved your story
about tricking those immigrants
into painting your house. Pie's on us.
Well, that sweet smile
is the sugar in my coffee.
Aw, now aren't you the most darling man
who ever lived?
Attaboy.
One. Two. Three. Door.
Bruce again!
It's always Bruce.
Every space has a door on it.
Bruce again!
-This game sucks! [grunts]
-Ah!
[garbled] Bruce again!
You jerk! You're worse than Dad.
-Nobody's worse than that piece of shit.
-Watch your mouth!
And don't talk
about your father like that.
Oh, so we're not allowed to hate him,
but you are?
-I don't hate him.
-Oh, I guess I got confused this morning
when I heard you tell Dad, "I hate you."
It's just something married people say
to each other sometimes.
Do they also say, "I knew it was a mistake
when I was walking down the aisle"?
[groans] Why do you kids always hear
what you're not supposed to hear?
You have no idea what I've heard.
And seen.
Catamarans go cruising by ♪
That's why they call me
Mr. Chilled-Out Guy ♪
That's perfect! Still too funky.
So take the funk out, take the rock out,
put a little blues in there,
take that out,
take out all the excitement
and put me to sleep. Let's go again.
-[buzzer sounds]
-[crowd clamoring]
-Fuck you, Rustvale!
-Oh, yeah?
Well, you've got a titty bar
in your downtown!
Full nude, you fucking animals!
All right, let's put these fairies
to sleep,
and we're in the champeen-ship game!
[whistle blows]
[grunts]
[clamoring]
Time to put the birdie in the birdhouse!
-[buzzer sounds]
-[cheering]
Hey, hey! That was my son you hurt,
you freckled piece of shit!
You're next, old man!
Attaboy, Bill! That's my Rat.
Dad, I scored the winning goal.
Don't be so needy.
[whimpers]
Enjoy that hatred, son. You've earned it.
[clamoring]
But that's my coach-janitor-dad.
Welcome to Invasive Industries.
You are here to get FAA-certified
to operate the C-Thru-U 2000
X-Ray Luggage Scanner.
My name is Cliff Haskins,
and over the next few days,
I'm really gonna see what you're made of!
[laughs]
[clears throat]
All right. One of those groups.
Let's meet your classmates.
-Uh say hello to Mohican Airways.
-How's it going, fellas?
-Wisconsin Dairy Air.
-Hey, dere!
Florida Panhandle Airlines.
-Jimmie Johnson!
-Okeechobee!
And Alaquippa Airlines.
-Hello, everybody.
-Morning.
Now, I know Mohican and Alaquippa
are adversaries on the tarmac,
but here, we are all flying
in the same direction.
If you flew in a different direction
on that flight to Wichita,
that college volleyball team
would still be alive.
-Oh, right.
-[all chuckling]
[makes crashing noises]
Gator meat!
[all laughing]
Okay, okay, enough fun.
Hey, hey, this is important stuff.
I left my pregnant wife at home
to do this, okay? So pay attention.
Really? That's, uh
That's kind of messed up there,
don't you think there, buddy?
-Who the fuck are you?
-You know, Frank,
lashing out is the first sign of denial.
Ah, fuck you, Ed! Talk about X-rays!
[Cliff] Okay, open your books
to chapter one.
"What is a gun
and what does it look like?"
Let's go again. Relax me, you fuckers!
[groans]
[guitar playing]
I'm at sea, I'm at sea ♪
Not sure where this breeze
Is taking me ♪
My catamaran is unanchored
And I'm free ♪
So why do I feel so at sea? ♪
Three more times.
-[carnival music playing]
-[indistinct chatter]
All right, Skeeter, this is your chance.
You're finally running the Tilt-A-Whirl.
This next moment will define your legacy.
[fanfare playing]
-[whirring]
-[laughing]
It's times like this
when I wish I could read.
Hey, all right, today we celebrate
the birth of The Kweeze!
[cheering]
Now, let's give a nice soft-rock hand
to Laurel Canyon Boulevard
with their hit single "Valley Shortcuts."
Valley shortcuts ♪
Alice! Over here!
It's me, Kevin!
I almost didn't recognize you.
You look like you're in a rum commercial.
Oh, thanks, yeah!
Vic said this is the hot look
the industry wants, so [chuckles]
Oh, sorry I wasn't in school yesterday.
Vic's been rehearsing us since Tuesday.
I haven't eaten anything
except iguana chow the last few days,
but I feel great. [chuckles]
Kevin, I don't know about this Vic guy.
He's changing everything about you.
Are you really okay with all this?
-Why are you coming down on me?
-I'm not.
Yes, you are! You're, like,
being all negative about my dreams.
You're just like my dad,
except you smell great!
-It's because I care about you.
-Well, Vic hasn't changed me one bit.
And mark my words, Kevin Murphy's gonna
be famous, or my name isn't Maui Mike.
Oh, yeah, Vic told me
my new stage name is Maui Mike.
Well, Mike, if you see Kevin,
tell him I miss him and his music.
[Samantha] That's all for today.
Excellent work, everyone, especially Sue,
who very bravely self-leuraged.
Good job, Sue.
Sue, what's wrong?
You were doing a lot of cursing
during the serenity exercise.
I'm fine.
[whimpers] Frank's being such a jerk.
He left on a work trip
and hasn't called once.
And it's up to him to call
because he's in the wrong.
Aw, Sue. I'm glad you've learned
the most valuable lesson
a woman can learn:
we do not need men.
Well, I guess it feels that way sometimes.
No, Sue. We don't need them.
-Men are a biological design flaw.
-Oh.
And when new technologies
provide us with synthetic semen
and robots to open fussy pickle jars,
what will men have to offer us?
Nothing. They will be obsolete.
Obsolete?
Wait, no.
No, Frank and I are just in a fight.
You're in a war!
Jesus Christ! I just want Frank to call.
He's my husband. I love him.
Sue, you sound insane right now!
"And that is why it is important
that you always wear a lead apron
over your uniform
when dealing with X-rays."
Jesus Christ, is that true?
I see now that, in future sessions,
that should be in the first chapter.
[all gasp]
Okay, we got to do better
on this final test tomorrow morning
than those alligator fuckers from Florida.
The one guy kept showing
everybody his goiter.
"Kill Authority"? Now we're talking.
Frank, I'll catch up with you in a minute.
-We got to study for that test!
-Yeah, yeah, I know all that shit!
Guns are bad. Ball aprons are good.
[rock music playing]
Aw, Christ.
If we come back without
that certification, the airline's fucked.
We will study,
but not on an empty stomach.
-I thought you were on a strict diet.
-Clams are the salad of the sea, Frank.
There they are! Good Vibe Harbor!
You're going on next,
right before Government Breeze.
-Vic, uh are you sure we look cool?
-I get where you're at.
You're worried you're about to get
so much poon you'll get sick of it
and fantasize about fucking goats
or something. I've been there, buddy.
No, it's
This song and, like, these outfits
Uh
all of a sudden, they don't feel right.
[chuckles]
You're fucking doing this.
Vic, I'm just saying
that this stuff doesn't feel like me.
Shh. Shh.
[whispers]
Shut your little fucking mouth, okay?
You want me to cut you?
Because I'll cut your fucking throat.
This is show business, you little cunt.
No one gives a shit how you feel.
This is my last shot,
and I won't let you fuck it up.
You're gonna go out there,
and you're gonna relax
the fuck out of that crowd,
proving once and for all
that 30 is the last year of your 20s.
[Frank] We're gonna be tested
on 179 pages of material tomorrow.
So what if we take it
one section at a time?
What if you take it easy
and let me order some brain food?
What is this here? "Clam-ageddon"?
If you eat a hundred clams in ten minutes,
you go on our Bottom Feeder Wall of Fame.
[Bob] Oh, to be memorialized
with all these amazing athletes.
-Challenge accepted.
-Bob, we have to get ready for tomorrow.
Today's the three-month anniversary
of my heart attack!
I deserve to live a little!
Now bring those hundred clams.
And two orders of cheesecake.
Aw, Christ.
Rosie, can you help me out here?
Do you have anything in your neighborhood
that bothers you?
You mean like the police?
No, I'm saying, do you feel
like your elected representative
is meeting all your needs?
Mister, are you coming on to me?
[stutters] Mother what?
Hey, Rosie, about the test.
Not now, Frank. I'm on
a fact-finding mission for my district.
Here's a fact: where are my clams?
[clears throat]
Please report to the security tent
if you are either a doctor
or a qualified Tilt-A-Whirl operator.
[Phillip] Somebody make it stop!
Okay, now I'm told
this next band's gonna bring the sunshine!
Taking the stage is Good Vibe Harbor!
[cheering]
Every artist has a choice to make:
whether to follow their heart
or listen to that desperate voice
that says,
"Sacrifice your integrity by playing songs
that mean nothing to you."
Well, to that voice, I say
You can do it, Kevin.
[groans]
Oh, man.
I'm Maui Mike,
and we are Good Vibe Harbor.
I'm Mr. Chilled-Out Guy ♪
Easy breezy sailing guy ♪
Catamarans go cruising by ♪
That's why they call me
Mr. Chilled-Out Guy ♪
This is neither easy nor breezy.
[man] Sure not the Sweatermen!
Pick up your ax!
Vic, what the fuck is this horse shit?
-You like it, right?
-No! They're depressing as all fuck.
And why are they dressed
like retired admirals?
It's like I'm at a fucking Navy funeral.
But I was just giving you what you said
you wanted: ocean, boats, Malibus.
It's not about boats.
It's about music that teenagers
think they want to hear.
It's a state of mind we put them in
so we can sell those kids
zit cream and cigarettes.
No one's gonna buy this shit.
Okay. They can sing
about anything you want.
What about a dragon on a surfboard?
Hey, is that cool?
Jesus Christ, man,
how out of touch can you be?
How out of touch do you want me to be?
[Phillip] It's not so much the tilting.
It's the whirling!
Shut up
I don't want to hear it ♪
Fuck your authority
I don't want to hear it ♪
You make a good point!
Fuck your authority
I don't want to hear it ♪
[crowd] 53, 54, 55, 56
Now I am become death, destroyer of clams.
Bob, for fuck's sake,
we have a test tomorrow.
-Let's go. We got to cram!
-That's exactly what I'm doing!
Fuck this.
Hey, I want to pay for the one beer I had.
The rest goes on the tab
of Moby Dickhead over there.
[crowd] 71, 74
Aw, my Sue.
[crowd] 80, 83
[phone ringing]
[robotic voice]
Leave a message at the tone.
[beep]
[Frank] Sue, uh it's me.
[clears throat]
Long time, no talk. [sighs]
Listen, I just I just wanted to say
that I need to hear your voice.
-Okay? You always make me feel better.
-[sniffles]
Okay? I'm tore up about my dad.
I hate that the kids are mad at me.
And I miss you.
-Bad. And I--
-[phone clicks]
-[Sue] Frank.
-Sue.
Hi.
Um
-How's home?
-Everybody's fine.
The bed feels empty without you.
I miss you too.
I I-- I don't like being away from you.
The day I met you
-was the best day of my life.
-[banging]
[Red] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!
-Red!
-[Red] Hey, Frank, this is Alexa!
I met her at the rock show!
She's staying in the room next to ours!
[Alexa] I hope you're calling your wife!
[moans]
Is that a girl's voice?
Are you having a party?
No! I'm just trying to say
that I am so lucky
that I get to start every day
with you next to me.
-[Alexa] Give it to me, cowboy!
-[Red] Don't you tell me what to do!
Hey! Knock it off!
Frank, what the hell is going on there?
Nothing, nothing. I'm-- I'm just trying
to say that I never want us
-to have another night--
-Make way for the champ!
Sweet merciful Christ!
The dam is about to burst!
Pogo, will you keep it down?
[Bob] Warn the folks in the next town,
and tell Dolores I love her!
-Goddamn you, Bob!
-[flatulence]
[Bob groaning]
Sue, are you still there?
I am. Are you?
Honey, I'm so sorry.
This has to happen the moment I call you.
Yeah, well, you had plenty of time
to call me sooner.
The other morning, you specifically said,
"I am perfectly capable
of spending three days on my own
without you calling."
I am. But it doesn't feel good
having a husband who doesn't call
to check in on his wife
who's nine months pregnant.
Well, then why did you
tell me not to call?
I don't want you to call me
because I asked you to call me.
I want you to call me because you want to.
-I was thinking about it.
-Oh, you thought about it!
And then you thought not to.
I guess you were too busy
having fun with your work buddies.
I'm not having fun. I'm in hell, Sue!
[Bob] Why is there smoke?
I mean, do you think I would miss you
if I was out here having fun?
You are such a fucking asshole.
I am not.
-You're just like your father!
-You take that back!
[Sue] You are exactly like him!
Things got bad here, and you ran off!
And you never admit when you're wrong!
All right, I admit I was wrong
to ever fucking call tonight!
I didn't want you to call!
You were just fucking yelling at me
because I didn't call sooner, you lunatic!
I need a fucking decoder ring
to talk to you!
I'll tell you one thing about work.
There's no mixed messages.
They tell me what to do, I do it,
they give me money. You do the opposite!
Well, here's the opposite of something.
I love you! I can't wait for you
to come home!
[groans]
Attaboy, Frank.
Just keep digging that hole deeper.
[Bob] Frank, could I trouble you
to ask for more towels?
Maybe not white ones this time.
[Western movie music playing]
Miss Ellie, you're the prettiest gal
in this whole Apache massacre.
You're just saying that because I lived.
[sniffles]
-It's only a movie, Mom.
-[gasps] Kevin!
It's late.
[sighs] I can't sleep either.
Were you at a costume party?
Kind of. Why were you crying?
Your father and I saw this movie
when we were dating.
I'll love you forever, Dusty Wagonwheel.
Long ago.
Ah, feeling old, huh? [exhales]
Yeah, it's pretty scary. I get it.
Um I don't think Alice
wants to see me anymore.
Oh, honey, I hope that's not the case.
What did she say?
Well she didn't say anything.
She just walked away.
She hung up on me in person.
Well, you can't leave it like that
without talking to her.
When you care about somebody, you need
to make an effort to work things out.
Yeah, you're right. That's good advice.
Yeah, I guess it is.
So where's Dad in all this?
That is a very good question.
No, I mean, really, where is he? I've been
at Vic's house for the last four days.
[snoring]
[Ed] Frank. Frank.
Alaquippa Ed?
It's me, Ed, from Alaquippa.
I'm the ground chief--
I know who you are. I literally just said
your fucking name. You're up late.
Actually early. It's 7:30.
Ah, shit.
Time for my grapefruit juice.
It helps the blood clot better.
Ed, no offense, but could you fuck off?
Okay, I mean, Christ,
my whole family hates me.
I have a fourth kid on the way.
You want to take a bet how long it takes
that little guy to turn on me?
Gee, Frank, with all that going on,
I'm surprised you even came to Cleveland.
It's refreshing to see a man show
so much enthusiasm for his employer.
-Damn right.
-Especially one on her dying days.
Dying days?
The hell are you talking about?
You know. Mrs. Dunbarton is going
to sell Mohican to Alaquippa.
-She what?
-Oh, my goodness, you didn't know?
Well, sometimes my mouth
moves faster than my
brain.
That son of a bitch.
You fucking son of a bitch!
They said they'd fix the toilet
this morning!
I don't know what you want me to do!
She's selling Mohican to Alaquippa?
Did you know about this?
Oh, you found out.
Oh, I'm so relieved.
Burdened with this terrible secret,
I've been guilt-eating this whole trip.
Now I don't have to.
I deserve an honesty squirt.
Tell me. Tell me right now.
Am I gonna have a job after the sale?
There may be a few redundancies,
so we really don't know yet.
What about Rosie, Red, Carl?
The weird grounds crew guy
and the other weird grounds crew guy?
Are they redundant?
Jesus Christ, I dedicate myself
to this airline,
you can't even guarantee my job?
You know what? Take
your fucking X-ray test yourself, Bob!
Just give me a second to explain. [gasps]
In ten or 15 minutes.
-Oh!
-[flatulence]
I think I just passed a pearl!
Goddamn flapping-skin fucking asshole.
Nobody cares about me.
You give and you give and you give.
This is what I get back?
You know something? Fuck you all.
I'm doing something for Frank Murphy.
What the fuck are you looking at?
How do I get to this Bowling Ball Museum?
The number 14 bus stop's right outside.
Thanks.
I'm sorry, ma'am, none of the four men
in the honeymoon suite
are answering the phone.
May I take a message?
Can you tell him his wife called?
And, um, tell him I don't like
how we ended things last night.
I'm angry, but
"Still love him. Want to talk this out."
Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
"Oh, God. You think
your water just broke."
Uh-huh. How do you spell "mucus plug"?
M-U-C-U
Hmm. No "K," huh?
Hmm. "Please stop interrupting me
and just give him the goddamn message.
I am going to hang up now
so I can go give birth."
I can't spell that,
so I'll just write, "Bloodcurdling scream.
Water sounds on--"
[whirring]
[gunshot]
[woman] This is the final boarding call
for Mohican Airways flight 38,
hopefully flying nonstop to Cleveland.
Thanks for taking me on this trip, Bob.
I promise, after these training sessions,
there won't be any more problems
with that X-ray doohickey.
That's splendid, Red.
I just hope that teacher knows
the difference
between giving lessons and giving orders,
'cause I don't like being pushed around.
Don't like it one bit.
Oh, Christ, are you gonna talk
the whole flight?
Only until the quaaludes kick in.
This trip is gonna be great.
Just you and me, the two musketeers.
Thanks for letting me come along, Bob.
Things at home are a fucking nightmare.
Aw, shit, Frank's coming?
Yes, he is.
Now move your crap off my seat.
-You're not the boss of me!
-Yes, I am! That's all I am!
-Hold the plane for Rosie!
-Him too?
Ooh, boy. This trip came
at the right time.
Now I can clear my head and figure out
how I can stop that shifty-ass mayor
from ruining my neighborhood.
And I'm giving my wife four days
to realize
that when she married me,
she struck fucking gold.
And I'm gonna patch things up with my son!
Ah, shit. Maybe next year.
["Come and Get Your Love" playing]
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[grunts] Ah!
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[boom]
[man] This Sunday, celebrate
the mellow West Coast sounds
of the new Kweeze 109.5
at the sunniest, breeziest blowout
of the fall:
KweezeToberfest.
Get your citrus on,
try something called an avocado,
and kick back to tranquil, easy vibes
from La Cienega Sunset,
La Cienega Sunrise,
Pomona Freeway, Mild Salsa Alert,
and others!
Did you hear that? He's talking about you!
"And others!"
Oh, my God! This is our big break!
How much pussy can you get
when you're "and others"?
I don't know, but I think you're gonna
leave that washing machine behind.
Y'all mind if I put a load in her?
Hey, hey, let's focus on the music now.
If all you want to do is get some stank
on your hang-down,
start cleaning chimneys.
I thought we were here
to bring this band into the big time.
Yeah, we are. Listen to Vic, guys.
He's been in the music business forever.
[chuckles]
-Well, not forever, Kevin.
-Well, longer than I've been alive.
Hey, man, I only got 15 years on you!
Let me tell you something,
it goes like that!
Now we got a lot of work ahead of us
before Sunday.
We're gonna change your look,
change your names,
work on your sound
until it's breezy as shit.
No pressure, but if this doesn't work out,
I'm gonna kill myself. [chuckles]
Now let's get fucking mellow!
[man] Uh, this is your captain speaking.
We are now beginning our descent
into Cleveland.
[passengers coughing]
This bed's for me and Frank.
[flatulence]
I've been holding that in
since Steubenville.
Jesus Christ, I'll take the other bed.
[groans] I'll sleep on the chair
and the luggage rack.
Better call the missus first.
Oh, there's so much to see
in this glorious city. [gasps]
James Garfield's birthplace [gasps]
Eliot Ness's deathplace.
Oh, my God, Frank, this one's
gonna get your ding-dong ringing!
The Bowling Ball Museum!
They have Hitler's personal ball.
-He only had the one, you know.
-Hey, Bob, don't forget why we're here.
We got to get certified
to run that fucking X-ray machine
so this airline can stay in the sky.
Okay, take it easy, Frank.
You know what they say,
all work and no nougat
-Bob, are you allowed to eat that stuff?
-It was a long flight.
Taffy helps unclog the ears. [grunts]
I'm fine, baby. We're all in the one room,
but it should be okay.
[blabbering]
I'm motorboating myself.
Yeah, I still regret saving his life.
See you soon now. Love you.
Hey, you want to call home, Frank?
Sure. I'll break the bad news to Sue
that my plane landed safely.
[dial tone]
Hey, you know what?
When I left this morning,
she told me not to call.
So fine, I won't.
And besides, I don't want to hear
any more shit from her about my dad.
So fuck it.
[Bob] Good for you.
Thanks, Bob.
I'm glad somebody supports me.
No, I was just reading the name
of this candy bar.
Fucking ingrate.
Sucker punches me in the kisser.
His old man who put clothes on his back.
The thankless fuck.
The guys in the kitchen
just loved your story
about tricking those immigrants
into painting your house. Pie's on us.
Well, that sweet smile
is the sugar in my coffee.
Aw, now aren't you the most darling man
who ever lived?
Attaboy.
One. Two. Three. Door.
Bruce again!
It's always Bruce.
Every space has a door on it.
Bruce again!
-This game sucks! [grunts]
-Ah!
[garbled] Bruce again!
You jerk! You're worse than Dad.
-Nobody's worse than that piece of shit.
-Watch your mouth!
And don't talk
about your father like that.
Oh, so we're not allowed to hate him,
but you are?
-I don't hate him.
-Oh, I guess I got confused this morning
when I heard you tell Dad, "I hate you."
It's just something married people say
to each other sometimes.
Do they also say, "I knew it was a mistake
when I was walking down the aisle"?
[groans] Why do you kids always hear
what you're not supposed to hear?
You have no idea what I've heard.
And seen.
Catamarans go cruising by ♪
That's why they call me
Mr. Chilled-Out Guy ♪
That's perfect! Still too funky.
So take the funk out, take the rock out,
put a little blues in there,
take that out,
take out all the excitement
and put me to sleep. Let's go again.
-[buzzer sounds]
-[crowd clamoring]
-Fuck you, Rustvale!
-Oh, yeah?
Well, you've got a titty bar
in your downtown!
Full nude, you fucking animals!
All right, let's put these fairies
to sleep,
and we're in the champeen-ship game!
[whistle blows]
[grunts]
[clamoring]
Time to put the birdie in the birdhouse!
-[buzzer sounds]
-[cheering]
Hey, hey! That was my son you hurt,
you freckled piece of shit!
You're next, old man!
Attaboy, Bill! That's my Rat.
Dad, I scored the winning goal.
Don't be so needy.
[whimpers]
Enjoy that hatred, son. You've earned it.
[clamoring]
But that's my coach-janitor-dad.
Welcome to Invasive Industries.
You are here to get FAA-certified
to operate the C-Thru-U 2000
X-Ray Luggage Scanner.
My name is Cliff Haskins,
and over the next few days,
I'm really gonna see what you're made of!
[laughs]
[clears throat]
All right. One of those groups.
Let's meet your classmates.
-Uh say hello to Mohican Airways.
-How's it going, fellas?
-Wisconsin Dairy Air.
-Hey, dere!
Florida Panhandle Airlines.
-Jimmie Johnson!
-Okeechobee!
And Alaquippa Airlines.
-Hello, everybody.
-Morning.
Now, I know Mohican and Alaquippa
are adversaries on the tarmac,
but here, we are all flying
in the same direction.
If you flew in a different direction
on that flight to Wichita,
that college volleyball team
would still be alive.
-Oh, right.
-[all chuckling]
[makes crashing noises]
Gator meat!
[all laughing]
Okay, okay, enough fun.
Hey, hey, this is important stuff.
I left my pregnant wife at home
to do this, okay? So pay attention.
Really? That's, uh
That's kind of messed up there,
don't you think there, buddy?
-Who the fuck are you?
-You know, Frank,
lashing out is the first sign of denial.
Ah, fuck you, Ed! Talk about X-rays!
[Cliff] Okay, open your books
to chapter one.
"What is a gun
and what does it look like?"
Let's go again. Relax me, you fuckers!
[groans]
[guitar playing]
I'm at sea, I'm at sea ♪
Not sure where this breeze
Is taking me ♪
My catamaran is unanchored
And I'm free ♪
So why do I feel so at sea? ♪
Three more times.
-[carnival music playing]
-[indistinct chatter]
All right, Skeeter, this is your chance.
You're finally running the Tilt-A-Whirl.
This next moment will define your legacy.
[fanfare playing]
-[whirring]
-[laughing]
It's times like this
when I wish I could read.
Hey, all right, today we celebrate
the birth of The Kweeze!
[cheering]
Now, let's give a nice soft-rock hand
to Laurel Canyon Boulevard
with their hit single "Valley Shortcuts."
Valley shortcuts ♪
Alice! Over here!
It's me, Kevin!
I almost didn't recognize you.
You look like you're in a rum commercial.
Oh, thanks, yeah!
Vic said this is the hot look
the industry wants, so [chuckles]
Oh, sorry I wasn't in school yesterday.
Vic's been rehearsing us since Tuesday.
I haven't eaten anything
except iguana chow the last few days,
but I feel great. [chuckles]
Kevin, I don't know about this Vic guy.
He's changing everything about you.
Are you really okay with all this?
-Why are you coming down on me?
-I'm not.
Yes, you are! You're, like,
being all negative about my dreams.
You're just like my dad,
except you smell great!
-It's because I care about you.
-Well, Vic hasn't changed me one bit.
And mark my words, Kevin Murphy's gonna
be famous, or my name isn't Maui Mike.
Oh, yeah, Vic told me
my new stage name is Maui Mike.
Well, Mike, if you see Kevin,
tell him I miss him and his music.
[Samantha] That's all for today.
Excellent work, everyone, especially Sue,
who very bravely self-leuraged.
Good job, Sue.
Sue, what's wrong?
You were doing a lot of cursing
during the serenity exercise.
I'm fine.
[whimpers] Frank's being such a jerk.
He left on a work trip
and hasn't called once.
And it's up to him to call
because he's in the wrong.
Aw, Sue. I'm glad you've learned
the most valuable lesson
a woman can learn:
we do not need men.
Well, I guess it feels that way sometimes.
No, Sue. We don't need them.
-Men are a biological design flaw.
-Oh.
And when new technologies
provide us with synthetic semen
and robots to open fussy pickle jars,
what will men have to offer us?
Nothing. They will be obsolete.
Obsolete?
Wait, no.
No, Frank and I are just in a fight.
You're in a war!
Jesus Christ! I just want Frank to call.
He's my husband. I love him.
Sue, you sound insane right now!
"And that is why it is important
that you always wear a lead apron
over your uniform
when dealing with X-rays."
Jesus Christ, is that true?
I see now that, in future sessions,
that should be in the first chapter.
[all gasp]
Okay, we got to do better
on this final test tomorrow morning
than those alligator fuckers from Florida.
The one guy kept showing
everybody his goiter.
"Kill Authority"? Now we're talking.
Frank, I'll catch up with you in a minute.
-We got to study for that test!
-Yeah, yeah, I know all that shit!
Guns are bad. Ball aprons are good.
[rock music playing]
Aw, Christ.
If we come back without
that certification, the airline's fucked.
We will study,
but not on an empty stomach.
-I thought you were on a strict diet.
-Clams are the salad of the sea, Frank.
There they are! Good Vibe Harbor!
You're going on next,
right before Government Breeze.
-Vic, uh are you sure we look cool?
-I get where you're at.
You're worried you're about to get
so much poon you'll get sick of it
and fantasize about fucking goats
or something. I've been there, buddy.
No, it's
This song and, like, these outfits
Uh
all of a sudden, they don't feel right.
[chuckles]
You're fucking doing this.
Vic, I'm just saying
that this stuff doesn't feel like me.
Shh. Shh.
[whispers]
Shut your little fucking mouth, okay?
You want me to cut you?
Because I'll cut your fucking throat.
This is show business, you little cunt.
No one gives a shit how you feel.
This is my last shot,
and I won't let you fuck it up.
You're gonna go out there,
and you're gonna relax
the fuck out of that crowd,
proving once and for all
that 30 is the last year of your 20s.
[Frank] We're gonna be tested
on 179 pages of material tomorrow.
So what if we take it
one section at a time?
What if you take it easy
and let me order some brain food?
What is this here? "Clam-ageddon"?
If you eat a hundred clams in ten minutes,
you go on our Bottom Feeder Wall of Fame.
[Bob] Oh, to be memorialized
with all these amazing athletes.
-Challenge accepted.
-Bob, we have to get ready for tomorrow.
Today's the three-month anniversary
of my heart attack!
I deserve to live a little!
Now bring those hundred clams.
And two orders of cheesecake.
Aw, Christ.
Rosie, can you help me out here?
Do you have anything in your neighborhood
that bothers you?
You mean like the police?
No, I'm saying, do you feel
like your elected representative
is meeting all your needs?
Mister, are you coming on to me?
[stutters] Mother what?
Hey, Rosie, about the test.
Not now, Frank. I'm on
a fact-finding mission for my district.
Here's a fact: where are my clams?
[clears throat]
Please report to the security tent
if you are either a doctor
or a qualified Tilt-A-Whirl operator.
[Phillip] Somebody make it stop!
Okay, now I'm told
this next band's gonna bring the sunshine!
Taking the stage is Good Vibe Harbor!
[cheering]
Every artist has a choice to make:
whether to follow their heart
or listen to that desperate voice
that says,
"Sacrifice your integrity by playing songs
that mean nothing to you."
Well, to that voice, I say
You can do it, Kevin.
[groans]
Oh, man.
I'm Maui Mike,
and we are Good Vibe Harbor.
I'm Mr. Chilled-Out Guy ♪
Easy breezy sailing guy ♪
Catamarans go cruising by ♪
That's why they call me
Mr. Chilled-Out Guy ♪
This is neither easy nor breezy.
[man] Sure not the Sweatermen!
Pick up your ax!
Vic, what the fuck is this horse shit?
-You like it, right?
-No! They're depressing as all fuck.
And why are they dressed
like retired admirals?
It's like I'm at a fucking Navy funeral.
But I was just giving you what you said
you wanted: ocean, boats, Malibus.
It's not about boats.
It's about music that teenagers
think they want to hear.
It's a state of mind we put them in
so we can sell those kids
zit cream and cigarettes.
No one's gonna buy this shit.
Okay. They can sing
about anything you want.
What about a dragon on a surfboard?
Hey, is that cool?
Jesus Christ, man,
how out of touch can you be?
How out of touch do you want me to be?
[Phillip] It's not so much the tilting.
It's the whirling!
Shut up
I don't want to hear it ♪
Fuck your authority
I don't want to hear it ♪
You make a good point!
Fuck your authority
I don't want to hear it ♪
[crowd] 53, 54, 55, 56
Now I am become death, destroyer of clams.
Bob, for fuck's sake,
we have a test tomorrow.
-Let's go. We got to cram!
-That's exactly what I'm doing!
Fuck this.
Hey, I want to pay for the one beer I had.
The rest goes on the tab
of Moby Dickhead over there.
[crowd] 71, 74
Aw, my Sue.
[crowd] 80, 83
[phone ringing]
[robotic voice]
Leave a message at the tone.
[beep]
[Frank] Sue, uh it's me.
[clears throat]
Long time, no talk. [sighs]
Listen, I just I just wanted to say
that I need to hear your voice.
-Okay? You always make me feel better.
-[sniffles]
Okay? I'm tore up about my dad.
I hate that the kids are mad at me.
And I miss you.
-Bad. And I--
-[phone clicks]
-[Sue] Frank.
-Sue.
Hi.
Um
-How's home?
-Everybody's fine.
The bed feels empty without you.
I miss you too.
I I-- I don't like being away from you.
The day I met you
-was the best day of my life.
-[banging]
[Red] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!
-Red!
-[Red] Hey, Frank, this is Alexa!
I met her at the rock show!
She's staying in the room next to ours!
[Alexa] I hope you're calling your wife!
[moans]
Is that a girl's voice?
Are you having a party?
No! I'm just trying to say
that I am so lucky
that I get to start every day
with you next to me.
-[Alexa] Give it to me, cowboy!
-[Red] Don't you tell me what to do!
Hey! Knock it off!
Frank, what the hell is going on there?
Nothing, nothing. I'm-- I'm just trying
to say that I never want us
-to have another night--
-Make way for the champ!
Sweet merciful Christ!
The dam is about to burst!
Pogo, will you keep it down?
[Bob] Warn the folks in the next town,
and tell Dolores I love her!
-Goddamn you, Bob!
-[flatulence]
[Bob groaning]
Sue, are you still there?
I am. Are you?
Honey, I'm so sorry.
This has to happen the moment I call you.
Yeah, well, you had plenty of time
to call me sooner.
The other morning, you specifically said,
"I am perfectly capable
of spending three days on my own
without you calling."
I am. But it doesn't feel good
having a husband who doesn't call
to check in on his wife
who's nine months pregnant.
Well, then why did you
tell me not to call?
I don't want you to call me
because I asked you to call me.
I want you to call me because you want to.
-I was thinking about it.
-Oh, you thought about it!
And then you thought not to.
I guess you were too busy
having fun with your work buddies.
I'm not having fun. I'm in hell, Sue!
[Bob] Why is there smoke?
I mean, do you think I would miss you
if I was out here having fun?
You are such a fucking asshole.
I am not.
-You're just like your father!
-You take that back!
[Sue] You are exactly like him!
Things got bad here, and you ran off!
And you never admit when you're wrong!
All right, I admit I was wrong
to ever fucking call tonight!
I didn't want you to call!
You were just fucking yelling at me
because I didn't call sooner, you lunatic!
I need a fucking decoder ring
to talk to you!
I'll tell you one thing about work.
There's no mixed messages.
They tell me what to do, I do it,
they give me money. You do the opposite!
Well, here's the opposite of something.
I love you! I can't wait for you
to come home!
[groans]
Attaboy, Frank.
Just keep digging that hole deeper.
[Bob] Frank, could I trouble you
to ask for more towels?
Maybe not white ones this time.
[Western movie music playing]
Miss Ellie, you're the prettiest gal
in this whole Apache massacre.
You're just saying that because I lived.
[sniffles]
-It's only a movie, Mom.
-[gasps] Kevin!
It's late.
[sighs] I can't sleep either.
Were you at a costume party?
Kind of. Why were you crying?
Your father and I saw this movie
when we were dating.
I'll love you forever, Dusty Wagonwheel.
Long ago.
Ah, feeling old, huh? [exhales]
Yeah, it's pretty scary. I get it.
Um I don't think Alice
wants to see me anymore.
Oh, honey, I hope that's not the case.
What did she say?
Well she didn't say anything.
She just walked away.
She hung up on me in person.
Well, you can't leave it like that
without talking to her.
When you care about somebody, you need
to make an effort to work things out.
Yeah, you're right. That's good advice.
Yeah, I guess it is.
So where's Dad in all this?
That is a very good question.
No, I mean, really, where is he? I've been
at Vic's house for the last four days.
[snoring]
[Ed] Frank. Frank.
Alaquippa Ed?
It's me, Ed, from Alaquippa.
I'm the ground chief--
I know who you are. I literally just said
your fucking name. You're up late.
Actually early. It's 7:30.
Ah, shit.
Time for my grapefruit juice.
It helps the blood clot better.
Ed, no offense, but could you fuck off?
Okay, I mean, Christ,
my whole family hates me.
I have a fourth kid on the way.
You want to take a bet how long it takes
that little guy to turn on me?
Gee, Frank, with all that going on,
I'm surprised you even came to Cleveland.
It's refreshing to see a man show
so much enthusiasm for his employer.
-Damn right.
-Especially one on her dying days.
Dying days?
The hell are you talking about?
You know. Mrs. Dunbarton is going
to sell Mohican to Alaquippa.
-She what?
-Oh, my goodness, you didn't know?
Well, sometimes my mouth
moves faster than my
brain.
That son of a bitch.
You fucking son of a bitch!
They said they'd fix the toilet
this morning!
I don't know what you want me to do!
She's selling Mohican to Alaquippa?
Did you know about this?
Oh, you found out.
Oh, I'm so relieved.
Burdened with this terrible secret,
I've been guilt-eating this whole trip.
Now I don't have to.
I deserve an honesty squirt.
Tell me. Tell me right now.
Am I gonna have a job after the sale?
There may be a few redundancies,
so we really don't know yet.
What about Rosie, Red, Carl?
The weird grounds crew guy
and the other weird grounds crew guy?
Are they redundant?
Jesus Christ, I dedicate myself
to this airline,
you can't even guarantee my job?
You know what? Take
your fucking X-ray test yourself, Bob!
Just give me a second to explain. [gasps]
In ten or 15 minutes.
-Oh!
-[flatulence]
I think I just passed a pearl!
Goddamn flapping-skin fucking asshole.
Nobody cares about me.
You give and you give and you give.
This is what I get back?
You know something? Fuck you all.
I'm doing something for Frank Murphy.
What the fuck are you looking at?
How do I get to this Bowling Ball Museum?
The number 14 bus stop's right outside.
Thanks.
I'm sorry, ma'am, none of the four men
in the honeymoon suite
are answering the phone.
May I take a message?
Can you tell him his wife called?
And, um, tell him I don't like
how we ended things last night.
I'm angry, but
"Still love him. Want to talk this out."
Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
"Oh, God. You think
your water just broke."
Uh-huh. How do you spell "mucus plug"?
M-U-C-U
Hmm. No "K," huh?
Hmm. "Please stop interrupting me
and just give him the goddamn message.
I am going to hang up now
so I can go give birth."
I can't spell that,
so I'll just write, "Bloodcurdling scream.
Water sounds on--"
[whirring]
[gunshot]