Futurama s04e09 Episode Script
3ACV21 - Futurestock
Future Shock Good thing I noticed that.
Planet Express stockholders.
- I present Professor Hubert Farnsworth.
|- Oh! - There he is!|- Take it off! - Where am I?|- Move forward! Walk into the light! Oh, God! I'm dead! Well, no matter.
Thank you all for coming.
I don't recognize any of you,|nor can I recall why I am here.
Without further ado a film highlighting Planet|Express, Inc.
's latest fiscal year.
Planet Express is on the move! For this hip, young delivery company,|tomorroW is today and today is yesterday!|You heard me.
It Was a year of soaring profits|and significant one-time losses.
Watching myself work makes me hungry.
|Help me find food.
I'll not only find it,|I'll help you do more to it.
A Bot-Mitzvah!|Shalom, hunger.
Shalom, free food.
No shellfish! - That is so unfair.
|- Tell me about it.
So you guys don't believe|in Robot-Jesus? He was built and was well-programmed,|but he wasn't our messiah.
And so, our company flames onWards.
Planet Express: limitless potential,|boundless horizons! The unstoppable juggernaut|of the corporate universe! It's been a terrible year.
The company|is on the verge of bankruptcy.
- But the movie-|- A substantial loss for the company.
The blue pie slice represents|the money we earned.
The green slice represents|an $8 bank error in our favor.
What about our thousands|of shares of stock? - Worthless.
|- I'll kill you! I own one share of Planet kajiggers,|so I'm entitled to some answers.
Question: Why does no one|visit me in my home? Your apartment smells|like Polygrip and cat pee! This is perfect for me! Do you have to have been|cryogenically frozen to get the free-? You didn't let me finish!|I was going to say "free food"! - My name's Joe and I'm a defrostee.
|Hello, Joe! When I was frozen,|carrots ruled the earth.
But now they don't.
|It takes some getting used to.
In the 1980s,|I was the toast of Wall Street.
I had whiskey with Boesky,|cookies with Milken.
But then, I was diagnosed|with terminal bone-itis.
Bone-itis? That's a funny name|for a horrible disease.
There was no cure.
|One drug company was close but I arranged a hostile takeover|and sold its assets.
Made 100 mil.
I froze myself until a cure was found.
And now here I am, ready to sleaze|my way back to the top, '80s style! As a caveman frozen in a glacier,|I face many challenges.
The hardest thing was seeing my wife|on display in the British Museum.
Oh.
Yeah.
I'm from your time.
|Remember that song, "Safety Dance"? Sure do.
We can dance Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun|Dun-dun-dun-dun That dance wasn't that safe.
I tell you, two go-go '80s Reaganauts|like us could rule this world! - Right.
|- If only someone would give us a shot.
They're scared of us.
But if you want|a job, I could beg my company.
Awesome.
Awesome to the max! And finally, the post office meter|is for business mail only.
Come on! I've got a lot|of ransom notes to send! Enough talk! Time for action! I move that everyone comes over - to snuggle my cat!|- Second.
- I move your cat stinks and is ugly!|- Second.
I move that we vote on a new CEO|and oust this old creep! - And my cat smells good and is pretty.
|- Second.
- Very well.
I nominate the Professor!|Second! - I'm your man!|- I vote my shares for the Professor.
- The Professor!|- Me! I nominate that guy.
Because he knows about business|and stuff and has a tie.
Shares still count if|they were washed, right? If I know anything|about which number is bigger- Hold on! Scruffy votes|his 40,000 shares for the stranger.
You have four times as much stock|as the rest of us? Scruffy believes in this company.
It's a tie.
In the event of a tie, the|Professor, as current CEO, remains- I demand the floor! I may only have|one share, but I get to vote too! And I'm voting against the cat-hater!|Isn't that right, kitty? Hey! You ate my change! It's settled.
The new chief executive|officer of Planet Express is "That Guy"! Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun|Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun Please welcome our new|chief executive officer, That Guy! Yeah! Woo-woo-woo! There are two kinds of people:|sheep and sharks.
Anyone who's a sheep is fired.
|Who's a sheep? Excuse me,|which one do people like to hug? Gutsy question.
You're a shark.
|Sharks don't look back because they don't have necks.
|Necks are for sheep.
I'm proud to shepherd this herd|of sharks and I am gonna lead you to the top|in this industry of- - Package delivery.
|- Package delivery?! Oh, God! Fantastic! The first order of business,|blame everything on the guy before me.
- Professor?|- I'll ruin you like I did this company! Terrific.
Question number one:|What was your overall business plan? Business plan? Yes.
I keep it here,|right next to my heart.
This is no business plan,|it's an escape plan.
So long, suckers! Fry, as a fellow '80s dollar jockey,|I'm making you my new vice chairman.
I'm rolling up the corporate ramp! It's the end!|- We're ruined! What fevered dream is this that bids|to tear this company in twain? Thank you.
Come again.
That's what I call a hostile makeover.
|Hair gel? No, thanks.
I make my own.
We'll shoot straight to the top|and stay there, like Cindy Lauper! I ask you, who is the number one|delivery service on earth? - Is it Planet Express, master?|- Is this guy a shark or what? Seriously, we stink.
|Here's the big enchirito.
Mom's Friendly Delivery Company.
We can't compete! Her company is big|and evil.
We're small and neutral.
Switzerland is small and neutral.
We're|Germany, ambitious and misunderstood.
Everyone wants to be like Germany.
|Do we have the strength of will? I say we do! Will we let ourselves|get beaten by an old lady? Yes, my liege.
No! I speak for the entire board|when I issue this challenge to Mom! Look at my butt! Woo! Woo, woo, woo! You call that a pressed ham?|Walt, hit the retaliate button! - Let's see-|- Any button! They all retaliate! Yeah! Hit him, hit him, hit him! This is the high life!|Watching apes kill each other.
In my day, we had coke parties,|but the principle's the same.
Get your stinking trike off me,|you damn, dirty ape! Now that you're my protìgì it's time I cut you in on|the secret to success.
Any guesses? - Work really hard?|- No.
- Oh, thank God!|- It's all about appearances.
It's time to update|our company's image and give it the sleek,|dazzling veneer of the 1980s! This company's on the fast track|to the It List.
Kudos! We haven't made one delivery|since you two took over.
Delivery has nothing to do|with our business.
Image, people!|Scope out this new ad! We are all one.
One mind.
|One purpose.
One act.
Our enemy shall be eaten|by scorpions.
And We shall boW doWn|and Worship to ourselves.
- Ah!|- We shall prevail! Hey, We Were Watching that! Terrible!|People won't know what we do.
I don't know what we do.
Just kidding.
|What are we, a bus or something? - Did you approve that awful ad, Fry?|- I did and I'll tell you why.
|It grows the brand.
Oh, Lord.
This company's circling the drain!|I'd sell my stock for a sandwich.
Sold! A complete sandwich! You got fleeced.
I would have settled|for a hard roll with ketchup inside.
What is this moose drip? "The New Delivery Kings"? I'm sick|of hearing about those turtle squirts! - But they're kings, Mommy.
|- Jam a bastard in it, you crap! Ow! Our private dining room.
This is where|we serve our most successful chumps.
Tonight, that's us.
- What's overpriced?|- Everything.
- Bring me that.
|- Me too.
And a glass of water.
Okay, let's work on your execu-speak.
|I'm worried about "blank.
" Don't worry.
|Let me worry about "blank.
" Good.
I also would have accepted:|"Blank? Blank! You're not looking|at the big picture!" What a pleasant surprise.
Shut up, booger-blaster!|It's time we all talk.
I'll handle this, Fry.
You get back|to the farm, shift some paradigms.
I'm on it.
But if you need me,|you know where I'll be.
Call me a booger-blaster!|I'll blast a booger- - We're worried about Planet Express.
|- Don't.
Let me worry about "blank.
" That Guy is a con man, and you've|been hypnotized by his bologna! - You've changed, Fry.
|- What? I haven't changed.
- Suz, have I changed?|No, Mr.
Fry.
Thanks, doll.
I don't care.
That Guy's turning|this place into some kind of business.
This isn't a business!|I thought of it as a source of cheap labor.
|Like a family.
Right.
We're not a traditional family|like the Murphys or the lesbian coven, but we're|a family.
That Guy understands that.
Everyone's fired,|and We're out of business.
I'm selling Planet Express to Mom.
|She'll gut the company, eliminate us.
Don't let the door hit you|on the Way out.
I don't Want ass prints|on my neW door! Ms.
Johnson, please bring in|some more chair fuel.
I had no idea the company would be|sold! I was just an innocent suck-up! Leave us alone|and let us clear out our lockers.
Yeah.
Hee-hee-hee! It's so sad!|Where will I go? What will I do? You have Mrs.
Darlinghaven's cotillion|at 7, ma'am.
That'll be fun.
Ms.
Johnson, you've never lied to me.
|Am I a good person? I don't knoW.
|I'm a program in the intercom.
I've got to redeem myself!|Somehow, sometime for some reason,|I'll block this takeover! Mr.
Fry, your 2:00 magician is here.
I have more important things to do|today than laugh and clap my hands.
Reschedule.
Over here! Over here! Sell 100 soylent beans!|- Buy 3000 corn bellies! Attention.
The takeover of PlanEx|by Mom's Delivery Company will take place in 10 minutes.
I am Jorell, master of scheduling! Okay.
We've got the hot tub hot, the|wine coolers cool.
It's Hammer time! You suck! By regulation, both companies|must approve the takeover.
Planet Express shareholders,|please vote.
Great Bonda of Uganda!|We can vote against it! I'll vote it down like a raise|for school teachers! What the-?|Oh, no! The shares I bought from Dr.
Zoidberg|gave me majority control.
Zoidberg owned 51%%% of the company? The shares were worthless!|He asked for toilet paper! And now if MomCorp shareholders|will cast their ballots.
Um Ah The ballot was confusing! - How about a hand re-count?|- Okay.
Ow! The takeover of Planet Express|is approved! This stinks!|- Madame is outraged! Security! I want that bunch|of rowdies out of here! Wait a minute! Hold on! MomCorp will purchase all shares|of Planet Express at the current market price,|which is One hundred seven! - Ow! And also it hurt my feelings!|- What are you solids griping about? Your shares are worth $107 apiece.
I'm a millionaire! Suddenly I have an|opinion about the capital gains tax! - Yeah!|I'm even richer! I have no shares! Wait! My sandwich! Has it also|appreciated in value? Please! - You didn't refrigerate it, spineless!|- You had to drag spines into this! As vice chairman,|I'd like to say a feW Words.
A time comes for every man|that deserts his friends When he goes back hoW it Was.
|For me, that time is noW.
So I ask you, as a friend,|stop this deal.
I'm an '80s guy.
|Friendship means for $2 I beat you till you got detached|retinas.
The deal will go ahead as- - My bones!|- Oh! I was so busy being an '80s guy,|I forgot to cure it! My only regret is that I have bone-itis! He's dead! Feed him to the jackals!|Go on with the sale! I don't think so! As vice chairman,|I gain voting control of his shares.
- Don't be a fool!|- I'll be whatever I want to do! That Guy was the greatest|businessman ever.
Before his death,|he taught me everything he knew.
But some things I had to learn myself.
I learned money is fine,|but what counts is people.
You can't put a price on that.
So I'm giving control of the company|to a man of experience Professor Hubert Farnsworth! What? I'm awake! I'm awake! Stop doing the right thing, jerk! - Let Mom buy it! We want to be rich!|- Two out of three doesn't cut it.
You'd rather be rich|than work together? Hell, yeah! This company was the only place|I ever really felt at home.
- If being millionaires is more|- It is.
important, then I'll sell|Planet Express, for you.
Millionaires nothing! The stock's|only worth three kajiggers! Come on! It's worth less now|than when it was worthless! It is? We're poor no matter|what I do! The deal is off! Once again, the conservative|sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor! Oh, I'm ruined! Why? Why? So we're not millionaires.
|But we still get to work together.
Shut your fat mouth! See you guys Monday!
Planet Express stockholders.
- I present Professor Hubert Farnsworth.
|- Oh! - There he is!|- Take it off! - Where am I?|- Move forward! Walk into the light! Oh, God! I'm dead! Well, no matter.
Thank you all for coming.
I don't recognize any of you,|nor can I recall why I am here.
Without further ado a film highlighting Planet|Express, Inc.
's latest fiscal year.
Planet Express is on the move! For this hip, young delivery company,|tomorroW is today and today is yesterday!|You heard me.
It Was a year of soaring profits|and significant one-time losses.
Watching myself work makes me hungry.
|Help me find food.
I'll not only find it,|I'll help you do more to it.
A Bot-Mitzvah!|Shalom, hunger.
Shalom, free food.
No shellfish! - That is so unfair.
|- Tell me about it.
So you guys don't believe|in Robot-Jesus? He was built and was well-programmed,|but he wasn't our messiah.
And so, our company flames onWards.
Planet Express: limitless potential,|boundless horizons! The unstoppable juggernaut|of the corporate universe! It's been a terrible year.
The company|is on the verge of bankruptcy.
- But the movie-|- A substantial loss for the company.
The blue pie slice represents|the money we earned.
The green slice represents|an $8 bank error in our favor.
What about our thousands|of shares of stock? - Worthless.
|- I'll kill you! I own one share of Planet kajiggers,|so I'm entitled to some answers.
Question: Why does no one|visit me in my home? Your apartment smells|like Polygrip and cat pee! This is perfect for me! Do you have to have been|cryogenically frozen to get the free-? You didn't let me finish!|I was going to say "free food"! - My name's Joe and I'm a defrostee.
|Hello, Joe! When I was frozen,|carrots ruled the earth.
But now they don't.
|It takes some getting used to.
In the 1980s,|I was the toast of Wall Street.
I had whiskey with Boesky,|cookies with Milken.
But then, I was diagnosed|with terminal bone-itis.
Bone-itis? That's a funny name|for a horrible disease.
There was no cure.
|One drug company was close but I arranged a hostile takeover|and sold its assets.
Made 100 mil.
I froze myself until a cure was found.
And now here I am, ready to sleaze|my way back to the top, '80s style! As a caveman frozen in a glacier,|I face many challenges.
The hardest thing was seeing my wife|on display in the British Museum.
Oh.
Yeah.
I'm from your time.
|Remember that song, "Safety Dance"? Sure do.
We can dance Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun|Dun-dun-dun-dun That dance wasn't that safe.
I tell you, two go-go '80s Reaganauts|like us could rule this world! - Right.
|- If only someone would give us a shot.
They're scared of us.
But if you want|a job, I could beg my company.
Awesome.
Awesome to the max! And finally, the post office meter|is for business mail only.
Come on! I've got a lot|of ransom notes to send! Enough talk! Time for action! I move that everyone comes over - to snuggle my cat!|- Second.
- I move your cat stinks and is ugly!|- Second.
I move that we vote on a new CEO|and oust this old creep! - And my cat smells good and is pretty.
|- Second.
- Very well.
I nominate the Professor!|Second! - I'm your man!|- I vote my shares for the Professor.
- The Professor!|- Me! I nominate that guy.
Because he knows about business|and stuff and has a tie.
Shares still count if|they were washed, right? If I know anything|about which number is bigger- Hold on! Scruffy votes|his 40,000 shares for the stranger.
You have four times as much stock|as the rest of us? Scruffy believes in this company.
It's a tie.
In the event of a tie, the|Professor, as current CEO, remains- I demand the floor! I may only have|one share, but I get to vote too! And I'm voting against the cat-hater!|Isn't that right, kitty? Hey! You ate my change! It's settled.
The new chief executive|officer of Planet Express is "That Guy"! Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun|Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun Please welcome our new|chief executive officer, That Guy! Yeah! Woo-woo-woo! There are two kinds of people:|sheep and sharks.
Anyone who's a sheep is fired.
|Who's a sheep? Excuse me,|which one do people like to hug? Gutsy question.
You're a shark.
|Sharks don't look back because they don't have necks.
|Necks are for sheep.
I'm proud to shepherd this herd|of sharks and I am gonna lead you to the top|in this industry of- - Package delivery.
|- Package delivery?! Oh, God! Fantastic! The first order of business,|blame everything on the guy before me.
- Professor?|- I'll ruin you like I did this company! Terrific.
Question number one:|What was your overall business plan? Business plan? Yes.
I keep it here,|right next to my heart.
This is no business plan,|it's an escape plan.
So long, suckers! Fry, as a fellow '80s dollar jockey,|I'm making you my new vice chairman.
I'm rolling up the corporate ramp! It's the end!|- We're ruined! What fevered dream is this that bids|to tear this company in twain? Thank you.
Come again.
That's what I call a hostile makeover.
|Hair gel? No, thanks.
I make my own.
We'll shoot straight to the top|and stay there, like Cindy Lauper! I ask you, who is the number one|delivery service on earth? - Is it Planet Express, master?|- Is this guy a shark or what? Seriously, we stink.
|Here's the big enchirito.
Mom's Friendly Delivery Company.
We can't compete! Her company is big|and evil.
We're small and neutral.
Switzerland is small and neutral.
We're|Germany, ambitious and misunderstood.
Everyone wants to be like Germany.
|Do we have the strength of will? I say we do! Will we let ourselves|get beaten by an old lady? Yes, my liege.
No! I speak for the entire board|when I issue this challenge to Mom! Look at my butt! Woo! Woo, woo, woo! You call that a pressed ham?|Walt, hit the retaliate button! - Let's see-|- Any button! They all retaliate! Yeah! Hit him, hit him, hit him! This is the high life!|Watching apes kill each other.
In my day, we had coke parties,|but the principle's the same.
Get your stinking trike off me,|you damn, dirty ape! Now that you're my protìgì it's time I cut you in on|the secret to success.
Any guesses? - Work really hard?|- No.
- Oh, thank God!|- It's all about appearances.
It's time to update|our company's image and give it the sleek,|dazzling veneer of the 1980s! This company's on the fast track|to the It List.
Kudos! We haven't made one delivery|since you two took over.
Delivery has nothing to do|with our business.
Image, people!|Scope out this new ad! We are all one.
One mind.
|One purpose.
One act.
Our enemy shall be eaten|by scorpions.
And We shall boW doWn|and Worship to ourselves.
- Ah!|- We shall prevail! Hey, We Were Watching that! Terrible!|People won't know what we do.
I don't know what we do.
Just kidding.
|What are we, a bus or something? - Did you approve that awful ad, Fry?|- I did and I'll tell you why.
|It grows the brand.
Oh, Lord.
This company's circling the drain!|I'd sell my stock for a sandwich.
Sold! A complete sandwich! You got fleeced.
I would have settled|for a hard roll with ketchup inside.
What is this moose drip? "The New Delivery Kings"? I'm sick|of hearing about those turtle squirts! - But they're kings, Mommy.
|- Jam a bastard in it, you crap! Ow! Our private dining room.
This is where|we serve our most successful chumps.
Tonight, that's us.
- What's overpriced?|- Everything.
- Bring me that.
|- Me too.
And a glass of water.
Okay, let's work on your execu-speak.
|I'm worried about "blank.
" Don't worry.
|Let me worry about "blank.
" Good.
I also would have accepted:|"Blank? Blank! You're not looking|at the big picture!" What a pleasant surprise.
Shut up, booger-blaster!|It's time we all talk.
I'll handle this, Fry.
You get back|to the farm, shift some paradigms.
I'm on it.
But if you need me,|you know where I'll be.
Call me a booger-blaster!|I'll blast a booger- - We're worried about Planet Express.
|- Don't.
Let me worry about "blank.
" That Guy is a con man, and you've|been hypnotized by his bologna! - You've changed, Fry.
|- What? I haven't changed.
- Suz, have I changed?|No, Mr.
Fry.
Thanks, doll.
I don't care.
That Guy's turning|this place into some kind of business.
This isn't a business!|I thought of it as a source of cheap labor.
|Like a family.
Right.
We're not a traditional family|like the Murphys or the lesbian coven, but we're|a family.
That Guy understands that.
Everyone's fired,|and We're out of business.
I'm selling Planet Express to Mom.
|She'll gut the company, eliminate us.
Don't let the door hit you|on the Way out.
I don't Want ass prints|on my neW door! Ms.
Johnson, please bring in|some more chair fuel.
I had no idea the company would be|sold! I was just an innocent suck-up! Leave us alone|and let us clear out our lockers.
Yeah.
Hee-hee-hee! It's so sad!|Where will I go? What will I do? You have Mrs.
Darlinghaven's cotillion|at 7, ma'am.
That'll be fun.
Ms.
Johnson, you've never lied to me.
|Am I a good person? I don't knoW.
|I'm a program in the intercom.
I've got to redeem myself!|Somehow, sometime for some reason,|I'll block this takeover! Mr.
Fry, your 2:00 magician is here.
I have more important things to do|today than laugh and clap my hands.
Reschedule.
Over here! Over here! Sell 100 soylent beans!|- Buy 3000 corn bellies! Attention.
The takeover of PlanEx|by Mom's Delivery Company will take place in 10 minutes.
I am Jorell, master of scheduling! Okay.
We've got the hot tub hot, the|wine coolers cool.
It's Hammer time! You suck! By regulation, both companies|must approve the takeover.
Planet Express shareholders,|please vote.
Great Bonda of Uganda!|We can vote against it! I'll vote it down like a raise|for school teachers! What the-?|Oh, no! The shares I bought from Dr.
Zoidberg|gave me majority control.
Zoidberg owned 51%%% of the company? The shares were worthless!|He asked for toilet paper! And now if MomCorp shareholders|will cast their ballots.
Um Ah The ballot was confusing! - How about a hand re-count?|- Okay.
Ow! The takeover of Planet Express|is approved! This stinks!|- Madame is outraged! Security! I want that bunch|of rowdies out of here! Wait a minute! Hold on! MomCorp will purchase all shares|of Planet Express at the current market price,|which is One hundred seven! - Ow! And also it hurt my feelings!|- What are you solids griping about? Your shares are worth $107 apiece.
I'm a millionaire! Suddenly I have an|opinion about the capital gains tax! - Yeah!|I'm even richer! I have no shares! Wait! My sandwich! Has it also|appreciated in value? Please! - You didn't refrigerate it, spineless!|- You had to drag spines into this! As vice chairman,|I'd like to say a feW Words.
A time comes for every man|that deserts his friends When he goes back hoW it Was.
|For me, that time is noW.
So I ask you, as a friend,|stop this deal.
I'm an '80s guy.
|Friendship means for $2 I beat you till you got detached|retinas.
The deal will go ahead as- - My bones!|- Oh! I was so busy being an '80s guy,|I forgot to cure it! My only regret is that I have bone-itis! He's dead! Feed him to the jackals!|Go on with the sale! I don't think so! As vice chairman,|I gain voting control of his shares.
- Don't be a fool!|- I'll be whatever I want to do! That Guy was the greatest|businessman ever.
Before his death,|he taught me everything he knew.
But some things I had to learn myself.
I learned money is fine,|but what counts is people.
You can't put a price on that.
So I'm giving control of the company|to a man of experience Professor Hubert Farnsworth! What? I'm awake! I'm awake! Stop doing the right thing, jerk! - Let Mom buy it! We want to be rich!|- Two out of three doesn't cut it.
You'd rather be rich|than work together? Hell, yeah! This company was the only place|I ever really felt at home.
- If being millionaires is more|- It is.
important, then I'll sell|Planet Express, for you.
Millionaires nothing! The stock's|only worth three kajiggers! Come on! It's worth less now|than when it was worthless! It is? We're poor no matter|what I do! The deal is off! Once again, the conservative|sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor! Oh, I'm ruined! Why? Why? So we're not millionaires.
|But we still get to work together.
Shut your fat mouth! See you guys Monday!