Get Smart (1965) s04e09 Episode Script
With Love and Twitches
( go-go music playing ) ( people clamoring ) Dr.
Madre? No.
Then why did you give me all those signals? I was going to ask you the same thing.
- Maxwell Smart? - Yes.
I'm Dr.
Madre.
Sit down.
I had to be careful of KAOS.
I understand, Doctor.
I've been working on an experiment alone, isolated for I don't know how long.
I've lost track of time.
Three-- it might even be four years.
I think that man at the bar is after me.
That's a woman.
Then it's been four years.
Listen, Dr.
Madre, haven't you been working for KAOS for the past five years? - KAOS and Ohrbach's.
- Ohrbach's? Well, during the Christmas rush I like to pick a little extra money.
I wrap well.
I took the liberty of ordering for you.
Would you like to see a dinner menu? That won't be necessary.
Just bring me a little plate of spaghetti.
One spaghetti dinner.
Now, Dr.
Madre, when you called me you told me you had something very important to give me.
- Something invaluable.
- Yes.
The map showing the exact location of the Melnick uranium mines.
The Melnick uranium mines? But KAOS has been after that map for the past five years.
I intercepted it before it got to KAOS.
- You have it? - You have it.
- I have it? - You just drank it.
Of course, I just drank the map.
I just drank the map? That's the experiment I've been working on.
I've developed a process which turns paper into a liquid solution.
I slipped that solution into your drink.
Stand up, Mr.
Smart.
If you don't mind, Doctor, I'd just as soon sit.
If you want that map to appear, stand up.
In 48 hours, a rash will break out on your chest.
That rash will be in the form of a map-- the map of the Melnick uranium mines.
Why, that's fantastic.
- Tell me-- - Don't sit! Don't sit! The body must remain vertical for the next 48 hours, or the change in circulation will prevent the map from appearing.
Eat your food so we don't look conspicuous.
You will encounter certain symptoms.
First, you will itch.
Uh, then the itch will turn into a twitch.
But whether you itch or twitch, never never scratch.
- Why not? - It doesn't look nice.
- "It doesn't look nice"? - Besides, it'll erase the map.
Wait a minute, Doctor, this is impossible.
I'm getting married tomorrow and I'm going on my honeymoon tomorrow night.
Well, you'll just have to postpone the wedding.
Yes, well, okay, I can postpone the wedding, but what about my honeymoon? Have your honeymoon in a place where you have to stand up.
- A museum.
- A museum? Now what kind of a girl would want to go on a honeymoon in a museum? Doesn't she like art? Yes, but not that much.
Dr.
Madre? Dr.
Madre? ( theme music playing ) Hello, Max.
How do you feel on the night before your wedding? - A little nervous? - Hi, Chief.
How are you, Admiral? Chief, I have to talk to you right away about a very important case.
I'm fine, thank you.
I'm very flattered you've chosen me to be best man at your wedding, Maxwell.
Here's a little check for your wedding gift.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh! Oh, as long as I'm up, I might as well be on my way.
- Come on, get up.
- There you are.
Well, got to run.
Thank you.
- Well, Max, what's on your mind? - ( door opens ) Well, Chief, I didn't want to say this in front of the admiral, but I'm going to have to postpone my wedding for 48 hours.
What? Why? Because by that time my rash will have cleared up.
Oh, I see.
Nerves.
Well, let's talk about it, Max.
Sit down.
I can't sit down, Chief.
It'll ruin my rash.
Now, Max, it's perfectly normal for a man to get cold feet and have second thoughts on the eve of his marriage.
Believe me, you're not making a mistake.
Look, Chief, all I want to do is postpone my wedding for 48 hours, and I'm asking you to tell 99 I'm on a very important mission.
Max, I can't lie to 99.
But I'm not asking you to lie to 99! I really am on an important mission! Well, that's impossible, Max.
I didn't send you on a mission! No, but Dr.
Madre did! Dr.
Madre? The KAOS scientist? Max, you're not making any sense.
All right, Chief, you want me to make sense? How's this for sense? The exact location of the Melnick uranium mines.
- How did you get it? - You just drank it.
- I drank it.
- You drank it? Yes, I drank the drug, Chief, but I thought it was wine.
Look, I know you're confused.
Let me try and explain it to you.
You see, in a little while I'm going to start to itch, and then I'm gonna start to twitch.
And in 48 hours I'm gonna break out in a map.
- Now do you understand? - Perfectly.
And now I'm going to tell you something that I hope you'll understand.
You're crazy! Crazy with fear about getting married.
Let me tell you something-- if you don't wanna go through with your marriage then have the decency to go to 99 and tell it to her face.
Max, if you don't want to marry me just say so, but don't expect me to believe a ridiculous story like that.
But, 99, I do want to marry you! What can I say to make you believe me? - ( doorbell rings ) - ( groans ) - Who is it? - Woman: It's me.
Oh.
Max, that's my mother! - I know it.
- Max! Is she moving in with us already? We're not even married yet.
Come on, Max, she's just coming to help me redecorate the apartment.
( sighs ) - Hi.
- Hi, Mom! I'm sorry I was so long.
I had to go through every bit of my luggage, but I knew I'd brought it with me.
- Oh! - Oh.
I'm sure we'll find someplace for it.
Yes.
How about Niagara Falls? Yeah.
Mother, would you like to make us some coffee? - The kitchen's right back there? - Certainly, darling.
- Oh.
- ( chuckles ) Oh, dear.
( sighs ) having your mother here in my apartment.
She's liable to activate by accident one of my protective devices.
- Max, that isn't-- - How am I going to explain it to her? After all, she thinks I'm in the greeting card business.
Max, you don't have to worry about it.
I rewired the devices myself.
( moans ) - Max, what is it? - It's a twitch.
A twitch! That map is coming out.
I told you but you wouldn't believe me! Oh, Max, you're just nervous about getting married tomorrow.
Come on, I'll make you a drink.
You can sit down and relax.
to sit down.
You don't have to worry about sitting down on the barstool.
That won't activate the net.
Now, it's only activated when you-- Lean on the bar.
Coffee will be ready in a min-- Well, don't you look nice.
Gonna do a little fishing on your honeymoon? until I find out something.
Did you fool around with the invisible wall? Oh, no.
That wasn't necessary.
It doesn't work.
What do you mean? It worked this morning.
I'll show you.
( electronic whirring ) ( knocking on wall ) - I don't understand that.
- I'm asking you.
I'm begging you.
I'm pleading you.
For the last time, please let me postpone the wedding for 48 hours! No, it is absolutely out of the question.
All the preparations have been made, and if we postpone it now what are people gonna to think? I don't care what people are going to think! No, if you don't go through with it tomorrow just forget the whole thing.
All right, 99, we'll go through with it tomorrow.
Ah.
Oh, Max, my mother.
I'll bet she's heard the whole thing.
- What's she gonna think? - She probably didn't hear anything.
You don't know my mother.
She has a way of listening at doors.
She wouldn't do that.
Your coffee's ready, bum.
Mother, I'm sorry we don't have time to drink it.
We weren't watching the time.
We've gotta go.
I'll get your coat.
( electronic whirring ) ( Max screams ) How did you do that? Do what? ( doorbell rings ) Coming! ( doorbell rings ) Dr.
Madre! I know you're surprised to see me, Smart.
Man: Get in there! They know about the map, Smart.
What could I do? They threatened me.
They tortured me.
They even shoved me around.
- What did you tell them? - You don't shove around a doctor.
We know all we need to know.
Jacoby, you fool, you tie his hands.
He cannot scratch the rash.
All right, gentlemen, there's just two questions I'd like to ask.
First, if you're so clever how come you walked into this trap? What trap? We are holding the guns.
That was my second question.
You are going to remain standing, Smart, for 48 hours until we get that map from your chest.
And to make sure you don't lie down Now wait a minute.
I can't hang here for 48 hours.
I'm getting married at 11:00 in the morning.
I'm afraid you're going to have to miss your wedding.
But you won't miss your funeral, Because once we get that map we're going to dispose of you.
And just how do you propose to do that? Simple.
You're going to write a suicide note, and then you're going to jump off the top of the Washington Monument.
- It'll never work.
- ( pistol hammers click ) But it's certainly worth a try.
What time is it now, doctor? It's, uh, 10:30.
in a half hour! I deserted her.
He's not gonna show up.
He doesn't want to marry me.
Don't say that.
He'll be here.
He must have stopped off for something on the way.
Of course, darling, he probably stopped off at a bar for a drink.
At 10:30 in the morning? Bums drink at any hour.
Chief: I just remembered-- Admiral Hargrade was supposed to stop by Max's apartment to pick him up.
We've got to get out of here.
( moans ) Another twitch? Another twitch, Kohlman, and they're starting to come 15 minutes apart.
He's not having a baby, he's having a map, you fool.
Come, let's see what's going on with the chest here.
Look look look, the map is starting to appear.
Here's a river and here's a lake! And here's a forest.
That's not a forest.
That's hair on my chest.
No, I think it's a forest.
And I'm telling you it's hair on my chest.
- ( groans ) - You're right.
But this is a mountain.
That's a mole.
Well, it looks like a mountain to me.
I said it's a mole.
Stop trying to make a mountain out of a mole! ( doorbell rings ) Who's that? It's probably my best man.
He's coming to pick me up for the wedding.
Admiral: It's me, Maxwell-- Admiral, uh - Oh, darn.
- You'd better let him in.
I know it as well as my own name.
- Admiral - Stand right there and don't move.
Oh, all right.
What will I do with him? - Watch him very closely.
- ( admiral snoring ) - Do you have a match here? - Matches.
Uh, let's see.
Oh! Here you go.
Lighter.
Mmm.
Thank you very much, Smart.
My pleasure.
All right, Jacoby, drop it! Drop it! - Both of you, move out of the way.
- ( admiral snoring ) All right, into the closet.
Just as I thought.
There's room for both of you.
Uh, would you mind handing me my wedding suit? It's the blue one with the blue shirt on top.
Thank you very much.
Madre: What's that? My car is being fixed so they gave me a loaner.
Wait a minute.
I'm not allowed to sit down.
- You'll have to drive, Doctor.
- I don't drive.
- Well, how about you, Admiral? - Of course! Just hand me the reins! ( admiral groans ) ( knocking at door ) Doctor, we're gonna have to turn to get out of here.
Do you know how to turn? Well, of course I know how to turn.
I've been doing it for years.
Not you, the car! I even turn the other way.
Will you get out of here? Put it in first! Shift, shift! Max: Use the clutch! He's not coming.
He's not coming.
( whimpers ) He's not coming.
Let's give him a few more minutes, 99.
I'm sure there must be some explanation for all of this.
Max: Watch it! Slow down! Faster, faster! Stop weaving, doctor! The guests are starting to ask questions.
- Have they all arrived? - Everyone except the bum.
Chief, you better go downstairs and tell them the wedding is off.
Let's give the bum another few minutes-- I mean Max.
Max: Keep your eyes on the road! Can't you drive any faster? Madre: I'm going as fast as I can.
- He's not coming.
- It's getting late.
We ought to start.
We can't, Your Honor.
The groom hasn't arrived yet.
Max: Not so sharp! He's not coming.
I hope he gets here soon.
I'm due in divorce court in an hour.
That's ironic.
You perform a wedding, and an hour later you're presiding over a divorce.
Who's presiding? I'm getting one.
Smart! - What? - Madre: How tall are you? - 5'11"! - 5'11"-- that's 100 yards from here.
And the speed is 60-- Smart? - Max: Huh? - Madre: You'd better duck! What? Madre: Never mind! How can he do a thing like this to a wonderful girl like my daughter? I guess he let the fear of getting married exaggerate to the point where he just couldn't go through with it.
- You really think that? - I know the feeling.
I had it once myself.
That's why I never married.
Well, I still say that-- Oh, you're not married? How nice.
( tires screeching ) There's no use delaying it.
I'd better inform the guests that the wedding's off.
- ( cars approaching ) - Oh, look! ( brakes squeal ) Oh, thank heavens, he made it! Come on, Admiral, we're gonna be late for the wedding! You can start now! ( wedding music playing ) Max, where have you been? What happened? I don't have time to explain now, Chief! - ( moans ) - Oh, hurry! The map is breaking out! We must get the ceremony under way! The map? You mean what he told me was true? Well, of course.
That's why we are late.
We were detained by KAOS.
Sit over there, Mother.
Uh, Admiral, you better come over here.
( organ playing discordantly ) Hold it! ( groans ) Well, are we ready to start now? I was just asking.
Hold my coat, Admiral.
All right.
Madre: No, no, Smart! The map! The map! You mustn't lie down! Madre: You tell him, Chief! He won't listen to me.
Don't, Herbert.
It's between his family and her family.
- But, honey-- - Shut up.
- I wanna help.
- If you wanna help, shut up.
( admiral snoring ) ( men clamoring ) If this is the ceremony, I ain't staying for the reception.
( organ playing discordantly ) ( wedding music playing ) We are gathered here to join this man and this woman in matrimony.
Into this estate these two persons come now to be joined.
- ( snoring ) - Do you take this man as your lawful wedded husband, to love, cherish and honor - so long as you both shall live? - I do.
And do you, Maxwell, take this woman as your lawful wedded wife, to love, honor and cherish so long as you both shall live? ( hoarsely ) I do.
Uh, I do! ( groans ) - Do you have the ring? - Huh? Oh, the ring.
Put it in your right hand, please, and place it on the bride's finger.
- ( whispers ) Max? - Hmm? Under and by virtue of the Judge of District Court of the District of Columbia I pronounce you man and wife.
( wedding march playing ) Oh, Max, I hope you forgive me for not believing you about the rash and the map.
Forget it, 99.
I guess it did sound pretty ridiculous at the time.
It's getting pretty late.
Huh? Oh, yes! lt-- You know, 99, you have the prettiest shoulders.
Oh.
You've seen them before, Max.
Yes, but never without a holster.
( chuckles ) Well, we really should be going to bed, Max.
( whimpers ) ( moans ) I'm sorry to have to do this to you on your wedding night, Max, but until that map on your chest appears, I've got to keep you under heavy guard.
- I'm sorry.
- You're sorry? Well, let's get some sleep.
Larrabee! Henderson! Put him up.
- Good night, Max.
- Good night, Larrabee.
Good night, Henderson.
Good night, Chief.
Max, good night.
( nasally ) Good night.
( theme music playing )
Madre? No.
Then why did you give me all those signals? I was going to ask you the same thing.
- Maxwell Smart? - Yes.
I'm Dr.
Madre.
Sit down.
I had to be careful of KAOS.
I understand, Doctor.
I've been working on an experiment alone, isolated for I don't know how long.
I've lost track of time.
Three-- it might even be four years.
I think that man at the bar is after me.
That's a woman.
Then it's been four years.
Listen, Dr.
Madre, haven't you been working for KAOS for the past five years? - KAOS and Ohrbach's.
- Ohrbach's? Well, during the Christmas rush I like to pick a little extra money.
I wrap well.
I took the liberty of ordering for you.
Would you like to see a dinner menu? That won't be necessary.
Just bring me a little plate of spaghetti.
One spaghetti dinner.
Now, Dr.
Madre, when you called me you told me you had something very important to give me.
- Something invaluable.
- Yes.
The map showing the exact location of the Melnick uranium mines.
The Melnick uranium mines? But KAOS has been after that map for the past five years.
I intercepted it before it got to KAOS.
- You have it? - You have it.
- I have it? - You just drank it.
Of course, I just drank the map.
I just drank the map? That's the experiment I've been working on.
I've developed a process which turns paper into a liquid solution.
I slipped that solution into your drink.
Stand up, Mr.
Smart.
If you don't mind, Doctor, I'd just as soon sit.
If you want that map to appear, stand up.
In 48 hours, a rash will break out on your chest.
That rash will be in the form of a map-- the map of the Melnick uranium mines.
Why, that's fantastic.
- Tell me-- - Don't sit! Don't sit! The body must remain vertical for the next 48 hours, or the change in circulation will prevent the map from appearing.
Eat your food so we don't look conspicuous.
You will encounter certain symptoms.
First, you will itch.
Uh, then the itch will turn into a twitch.
But whether you itch or twitch, never never scratch.
- Why not? - It doesn't look nice.
- "It doesn't look nice"? - Besides, it'll erase the map.
Wait a minute, Doctor, this is impossible.
I'm getting married tomorrow and I'm going on my honeymoon tomorrow night.
Well, you'll just have to postpone the wedding.
Yes, well, okay, I can postpone the wedding, but what about my honeymoon? Have your honeymoon in a place where you have to stand up.
- A museum.
- A museum? Now what kind of a girl would want to go on a honeymoon in a museum? Doesn't she like art? Yes, but not that much.
Dr.
Madre? Dr.
Madre? ( theme music playing ) Hello, Max.
How do you feel on the night before your wedding? - A little nervous? - Hi, Chief.
How are you, Admiral? Chief, I have to talk to you right away about a very important case.
I'm fine, thank you.
I'm very flattered you've chosen me to be best man at your wedding, Maxwell.
Here's a little check for your wedding gift.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh! Oh, as long as I'm up, I might as well be on my way.
- Come on, get up.
- There you are.
Well, got to run.
Thank you.
- Well, Max, what's on your mind? - ( door opens ) Well, Chief, I didn't want to say this in front of the admiral, but I'm going to have to postpone my wedding for 48 hours.
What? Why? Because by that time my rash will have cleared up.
Oh, I see.
Nerves.
Well, let's talk about it, Max.
Sit down.
I can't sit down, Chief.
It'll ruin my rash.
Now, Max, it's perfectly normal for a man to get cold feet and have second thoughts on the eve of his marriage.
Believe me, you're not making a mistake.
Look, Chief, all I want to do is postpone my wedding for 48 hours, and I'm asking you to tell 99 I'm on a very important mission.
Max, I can't lie to 99.
But I'm not asking you to lie to 99! I really am on an important mission! Well, that's impossible, Max.
I didn't send you on a mission! No, but Dr.
Madre did! Dr.
Madre? The KAOS scientist? Max, you're not making any sense.
All right, Chief, you want me to make sense? How's this for sense? The exact location of the Melnick uranium mines.
- How did you get it? - You just drank it.
- I drank it.
- You drank it? Yes, I drank the drug, Chief, but I thought it was wine.
Look, I know you're confused.
Let me try and explain it to you.
You see, in a little while I'm going to start to itch, and then I'm gonna start to twitch.
And in 48 hours I'm gonna break out in a map.
- Now do you understand? - Perfectly.
And now I'm going to tell you something that I hope you'll understand.
You're crazy! Crazy with fear about getting married.
Let me tell you something-- if you don't wanna go through with your marriage then have the decency to go to 99 and tell it to her face.
Max, if you don't want to marry me just say so, but don't expect me to believe a ridiculous story like that.
But, 99, I do want to marry you! What can I say to make you believe me? - ( doorbell rings ) - ( groans ) - Who is it? - Woman: It's me.
Oh.
Max, that's my mother! - I know it.
- Max! Is she moving in with us already? We're not even married yet.
Come on, Max, she's just coming to help me redecorate the apartment.
( sighs ) - Hi.
- Hi, Mom! I'm sorry I was so long.
I had to go through every bit of my luggage, but I knew I'd brought it with me.
- Oh! - Oh.
I'm sure we'll find someplace for it.
Yes.
How about Niagara Falls? Yeah.
Mother, would you like to make us some coffee? - The kitchen's right back there? - Certainly, darling.
- Oh.
- ( chuckles ) Oh, dear.
( sighs ) having your mother here in my apartment.
She's liable to activate by accident one of my protective devices.
- Max, that isn't-- - How am I going to explain it to her? After all, she thinks I'm in the greeting card business.
Max, you don't have to worry about it.
I rewired the devices myself.
( moans ) - Max, what is it? - It's a twitch.
A twitch! That map is coming out.
I told you but you wouldn't believe me! Oh, Max, you're just nervous about getting married tomorrow.
Come on, I'll make you a drink.
You can sit down and relax.
to sit down.
You don't have to worry about sitting down on the barstool.
That won't activate the net.
Now, it's only activated when you-- Lean on the bar.
Coffee will be ready in a min-- Well, don't you look nice.
Gonna do a little fishing on your honeymoon? until I find out something.
Did you fool around with the invisible wall? Oh, no.
That wasn't necessary.
It doesn't work.
What do you mean? It worked this morning.
I'll show you.
( electronic whirring ) ( knocking on wall ) - I don't understand that.
- I'm asking you.
I'm begging you.
I'm pleading you.
For the last time, please let me postpone the wedding for 48 hours! No, it is absolutely out of the question.
All the preparations have been made, and if we postpone it now what are people gonna to think? I don't care what people are going to think! No, if you don't go through with it tomorrow just forget the whole thing.
All right, 99, we'll go through with it tomorrow.
Ah.
Oh, Max, my mother.
I'll bet she's heard the whole thing.
- What's she gonna think? - She probably didn't hear anything.
You don't know my mother.
She has a way of listening at doors.
She wouldn't do that.
Your coffee's ready, bum.
Mother, I'm sorry we don't have time to drink it.
We weren't watching the time.
We've gotta go.
I'll get your coat.
( electronic whirring ) ( Max screams ) How did you do that? Do what? ( doorbell rings ) Coming! ( doorbell rings ) Dr.
Madre! I know you're surprised to see me, Smart.
Man: Get in there! They know about the map, Smart.
What could I do? They threatened me.
They tortured me.
They even shoved me around.
- What did you tell them? - You don't shove around a doctor.
We know all we need to know.
Jacoby, you fool, you tie his hands.
He cannot scratch the rash.
All right, gentlemen, there's just two questions I'd like to ask.
First, if you're so clever how come you walked into this trap? What trap? We are holding the guns.
That was my second question.
You are going to remain standing, Smart, for 48 hours until we get that map from your chest.
And to make sure you don't lie down Now wait a minute.
I can't hang here for 48 hours.
I'm getting married at 11:00 in the morning.
I'm afraid you're going to have to miss your wedding.
But you won't miss your funeral, Because once we get that map we're going to dispose of you.
And just how do you propose to do that? Simple.
You're going to write a suicide note, and then you're going to jump off the top of the Washington Monument.
- It'll never work.
- ( pistol hammers click ) But it's certainly worth a try.
What time is it now, doctor? It's, uh, 10:30.
in a half hour! I deserted her.
He's not gonna show up.
He doesn't want to marry me.
Don't say that.
He'll be here.
He must have stopped off for something on the way.
Of course, darling, he probably stopped off at a bar for a drink.
At 10:30 in the morning? Bums drink at any hour.
Chief: I just remembered-- Admiral Hargrade was supposed to stop by Max's apartment to pick him up.
We've got to get out of here.
( moans ) Another twitch? Another twitch, Kohlman, and they're starting to come 15 minutes apart.
He's not having a baby, he's having a map, you fool.
Come, let's see what's going on with the chest here.
Look look look, the map is starting to appear.
Here's a river and here's a lake! And here's a forest.
That's not a forest.
That's hair on my chest.
No, I think it's a forest.
And I'm telling you it's hair on my chest.
- ( groans ) - You're right.
But this is a mountain.
That's a mole.
Well, it looks like a mountain to me.
I said it's a mole.
Stop trying to make a mountain out of a mole! ( doorbell rings ) Who's that? It's probably my best man.
He's coming to pick me up for the wedding.
Admiral: It's me, Maxwell-- Admiral, uh - Oh, darn.
- You'd better let him in.
I know it as well as my own name.
- Admiral - Stand right there and don't move.
Oh, all right.
What will I do with him? - Watch him very closely.
- ( admiral snoring ) - Do you have a match here? - Matches.
Uh, let's see.
Oh! Here you go.
Lighter.
Mmm.
Thank you very much, Smart.
My pleasure.
All right, Jacoby, drop it! Drop it! - Both of you, move out of the way.
- ( admiral snoring ) All right, into the closet.
Just as I thought.
There's room for both of you.
Uh, would you mind handing me my wedding suit? It's the blue one with the blue shirt on top.
Thank you very much.
Madre: What's that? My car is being fixed so they gave me a loaner.
Wait a minute.
I'm not allowed to sit down.
- You'll have to drive, Doctor.
- I don't drive.
- Well, how about you, Admiral? - Of course! Just hand me the reins! ( admiral groans ) ( knocking at door ) Doctor, we're gonna have to turn to get out of here.
Do you know how to turn? Well, of course I know how to turn.
I've been doing it for years.
Not you, the car! I even turn the other way.
Will you get out of here? Put it in first! Shift, shift! Max: Use the clutch! He's not coming.
He's not coming.
( whimpers ) He's not coming.
Let's give him a few more minutes, 99.
I'm sure there must be some explanation for all of this.
Max: Watch it! Slow down! Faster, faster! Stop weaving, doctor! The guests are starting to ask questions.
- Have they all arrived? - Everyone except the bum.
Chief, you better go downstairs and tell them the wedding is off.
Let's give the bum another few minutes-- I mean Max.
Max: Keep your eyes on the road! Can't you drive any faster? Madre: I'm going as fast as I can.
- He's not coming.
- It's getting late.
We ought to start.
We can't, Your Honor.
The groom hasn't arrived yet.
Max: Not so sharp! He's not coming.
I hope he gets here soon.
I'm due in divorce court in an hour.
That's ironic.
You perform a wedding, and an hour later you're presiding over a divorce.
Who's presiding? I'm getting one.
Smart! - What? - Madre: How tall are you? - 5'11"! - 5'11"-- that's 100 yards from here.
And the speed is 60-- Smart? - Max: Huh? - Madre: You'd better duck! What? Madre: Never mind! How can he do a thing like this to a wonderful girl like my daughter? I guess he let the fear of getting married exaggerate to the point where he just couldn't go through with it.
- You really think that? - I know the feeling.
I had it once myself.
That's why I never married.
Well, I still say that-- Oh, you're not married? How nice.
( tires screeching ) There's no use delaying it.
I'd better inform the guests that the wedding's off.
- ( cars approaching ) - Oh, look! ( brakes squeal ) Oh, thank heavens, he made it! Come on, Admiral, we're gonna be late for the wedding! You can start now! ( wedding music playing ) Max, where have you been? What happened? I don't have time to explain now, Chief! - ( moans ) - Oh, hurry! The map is breaking out! We must get the ceremony under way! The map? You mean what he told me was true? Well, of course.
That's why we are late.
We were detained by KAOS.
Sit over there, Mother.
Uh, Admiral, you better come over here.
( organ playing discordantly ) Hold it! ( groans ) Well, are we ready to start now? I was just asking.
Hold my coat, Admiral.
All right.
Madre: No, no, Smart! The map! The map! You mustn't lie down! Madre: You tell him, Chief! He won't listen to me.
Don't, Herbert.
It's between his family and her family.
- But, honey-- - Shut up.
- I wanna help.
- If you wanna help, shut up.
( admiral snoring ) ( men clamoring ) If this is the ceremony, I ain't staying for the reception.
( organ playing discordantly ) ( wedding music playing ) We are gathered here to join this man and this woman in matrimony.
Into this estate these two persons come now to be joined.
- ( snoring ) - Do you take this man as your lawful wedded husband, to love, cherish and honor - so long as you both shall live? - I do.
And do you, Maxwell, take this woman as your lawful wedded wife, to love, honor and cherish so long as you both shall live? ( hoarsely ) I do.
Uh, I do! ( groans ) - Do you have the ring? - Huh? Oh, the ring.
Put it in your right hand, please, and place it on the bride's finger.
- ( whispers ) Max? - Hmm? Under and by virtue of the Judge of District Court of the District of Columbia I pronounce you man and wife.
( wedding march playing ) Oh, Max, I hope you forgive me for not believing you about the rash and the map.
Forget it, 99.
I guess it did sound pretty ridiculous at the time.
It's getting pretty late.
Huh? Oh, yes! lt-- You know, 99, you have the prettiest shoulders.
Oh.
You've seen them before, Max.
Yes, but never without a holster.
( chuckles ) Well, we really should be going to bed, Max.
( whimpers ) ( moans ) I'm sorry to have to do this to you on your wedding night, Max, but until that map on your chest appears, I've got to keep you under heavy guard.
- I'm sorry.
- You're sorry? Well, let's get some sleep.
Larrabee! Henderson! Put him up.
- Good night, Max.
- Good night, Larrabee.
Good night, Henderson.
Good night, Chief.
Max, good night.
( nasally ) Good night.
( theme music playing )