Ghosts (2021) s04e09 Episode Script

1
What happened? How am
I outside of my body?
Am I dead?
I don't know, Jay.
I-I wouldn't say dead.
But it is an interesting
question, philosophically.
You're Isaac. And you're Alberta.
I recognize you from Todd's back tattoo.
Oh, Creepy Todd?
That's what you're leading with?
- [GIGGLES]
- JAY: Oh, my God.
You must be Hetty.
Although we've kind of already
met 'cause you possessed me.
It is very nice to properly meet you.
I customarily ask any new ghost
if they're holding cocaine,
but I know your only vice is Sonic.
It's so weird not being able
to see the other ghosts.
Are they talking during
these long silences?
Man, Jay lives a lonely existence.
J-Dog. T-Money.
While I have you, can I
give you my elevator pitch
on your restaurant?
Sam keeps not passing it along.
Two words: upscale breastaurant.
Like Hooters but even classier.
Hey, guys, merry Christmas Oh, God!
Should have knocked, sorry!
Also, really?
It is the middle of the afternoon,
and Mom and Dad are downstairs.
Oh, hey, it's Jay's sister.
What? What's happening?
Are you two doing drugs?
Are there any left?
No. Okay, shh.
- Listen.
- This is a lot to explain.
Jay and I we both got
possessed by ghosts.
I got mine out,
but because Pete has
a special power where
he can leave the property,
we had to do an exorcism,
but instead of Pete's soul
being ejected from Jay's body,
Jay's soul got ejected from Jay's body.
And here we are.
That was actually well-summarized.
Sorry to be a bother, but could
someone please untie me?
It's been 40 years, so I'm not sure,
but I think I need to pee.
Wait, so that's Pete?
In the flesh. Get it?
- And where's Jay?
- I'm right here.
She can't hear me.
This is so frustrating!
Oh, really? We hadn't noticed.
Jay's right there.
He's next to you.
He's kind of like a ghost.
But he's not dead. We don't think.
Hmm, interesting you went
for a clove hitch knot
on these bad boys.
Those are usually used to moor a boat.
ISAAC: I just had a brilliant thought.
An exorcism is meant
to evict an evil spirit.
Well, perhaps, in the absence
of a truly evil spirit,
it just ejects the less pure soul.
In this case, Jay.
ALBERTA: Hmm, interesting.
The ghosts think Pete's soul is so pure
that the exorcism spit out Jay.
Not because he's bad but because
he's not Pete.
Feels like a little bit of a dig.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
this pure baby soul's
got to use the bathroom.
Nice to meet you, Bela.
This is so weird.
Tell Jay I won't look.
- Ow!
- [ALL GROAN]
Watch my nose, Pete.
Those solid doors.
So, what are we gonna do?
Well, the first thing we're gonna do is
get you back in your body.
I'm talking to Jay. We can use
the possession sconce in the living room
to electrocute the body
and get Jay's soul back inside.
And what about getting
Pete out of my body?
I don't know, one thing at a time.
Bela, I need you to get
your parents out of the house
while we zap Jay back into his body.
On it. Um,
by the way, is Trevor in here, or?
You have a boyfriend.
Out of the country, bro. Doesn't count.
♪
[TOILET FLUSHING]
Oh, man, Jay drinks a lot of water.
What?
Uh I mean, I drink a lot of water.
Look, Bela wants to go
shopping with me and Dad.
Come with us.
Ooh, I don't think
that's such a good idea.
I've come all the way up here.
Spend some time with your poor mother.
I never get to see you.
[WEAK CHUCKLE] Okay.
I don't know about this.
You sure I should drive?
Bela's car is full
of empty water bottles.
We could have taken the Audi
if your wife hadn't wrapped it
around a stone column.
It's just that I haven't
done this in a while.
[CHUCKLES] I think I push this
button right here and
- [ENGINE STARTS]
- Holy moly, it worked!
Okay, I'm ready.
Wait, what is Jay doing here?
I'm driving. Ten and two, and
whee!
See, I told you. There's a new ghost.
And he looks just like that guy
who's always hanging out with Sam.
Whoa!
Small man now small ghost!
Thorfinn? Bring it in, big guy.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Ooh! That wolf urine.
Was used to ward off bears.
You know what doesn't ward off bears?
Patchouli.
That's looking sufficiently dangerous.
Now we just need Pete.
He can't still be in the bathroom.
Although Jay's body is due for its
- mid-afternoon evacuation.
- That's true.
Why do you people know this?
Sasappis! [CHUCKLES] Hello.
How you doing, best friend?
Can someone please tell Thor
that I'm still not talking to him?
Wait, what's Jay doing here?
I swear I just saw him
driving off the property.
- [GASPS]
- Seriously?
Peter's absconded with Jay's body.
Pete accidentally possessed me,
and then-then we did an exorcism,
but then I got expelled, and
it's been a day.
CHAMPA: So, Jay,
you're going to cook us
Christmas Eve dinner tonight?
Yes, uh, to sample the menu
for you and Mahesh. Who I call Dad.
Jay, do you remember your
friend Ravi from middle school
who was trying to become a tennis pro?
Well, he recently gave up on that dream
and went to engineering school.
What is the point of this, Dad?
Just an inspiring tale of
someone making a smart choice.
- [PHONE BUZZES]
- Oh.
It's the old ball and chain.
Hey, honey, it's me, your husband Jay.
SAMANTHA: Where the hell are you?
I swear to God, if you don't
come back right now,
I will never let you
smell anything ever again.
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]
You're on speaker, Sam.
Uh, we're with our parents.
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Just a little inside joke.
See you when you're back, sweetie.
Hopefully really soon.
She's so controlling.
I think she's just a little
concerned that I left with the body.
Ha! Jay and I are gonna,
um, go look around.
We will meet you out
front in a few minutes.
Okay.
Get it together, Pete.
You're supposed to be Jay, remember?
Ah, come on, I thought
I was pulling it off okay.
You drove ten miles an
hour the whole way here
and then you hugged the greeter outside.
I drove cautiously because
I haven't driven in 40 years,
and Nathan was very appreciative.
Ooh, Jay's still following the girl
from the community theater group.
He's gonna get in trouble for that.
Pete, we need to get you back home
and get Jay back in your body.
His body. Whatever.
Wait. My daughter Laura
just posted something.
"Our last Christmas in Philly."
- Oh, my God.
- What is it?
They're moving.
She got a job in Australia.
They leave tomorrow.
- Okay
- I can't travel that far.
I'd I'd disappear
before I ever made it back.
I have to go.
What? No. No, you don't.
Tell Sam and Jay I said sorry.
I mean, I'm Jay. I'm sorry.
I'm really not looking
forward to the turnpike.
It's scary.
[EXHALES]
Did he just leave us here?
I think so?
I bet this is Samantha's fault.
[LAUGHS AIRILY]
Okay. This is objectively
a bad situation,
but that door thing is cool as hell.
- Yes, it's very neat.
- Yeah, get it out of your system.
I just talked to Bela upstairs,
and apparently Pete ran off.
- What?
- He took our car and Jay's body,
and he's driving toward Philly
right now to see his daughter.
How could he do this?
That's-that's my body.
Geez, you think you know a guy.
Apparently, Pete's daughter's
moving to Australia.
And with the fact that Pete disappears
if he's gone from Woodstone
for too long,
he's worried that this is
the last chance he'll
ever have to see her.
And Little Pete.
That adorable little bastard.
Technically true he
was born out of wedlock.
Take it up with the bastard's parents.
Look, I feel for Pete,
but, again, it's my body.
What if he gets in a car wreck?
What if he stays too long
and disappears?
He might not even notice
he's disappearing
because he's inside a body.
- What would happen to my body then?
- I don't know.
Maybe it dies. Or maybe
it's just a zombie.
That would be a fascinating
entry in your ghost notes.
I don't want to be a zombie.
Nobody wants to be a zombie.
But it's just something that may happen.
Jay, I can see where our car is.
He must be driving very slowly
because he's only like 30 miles away.
Wait, you can track the car now?
[CHUCKLING]: Now Jay's
realizing all the Sonic runs
- he's been busted for.
- I can hear you now!
Oh, damn it, this is really confusing.
SAMANTHA: Jay, I'm gonna go get Pete,
and then we are gonna get
you back inside your body,
and then you'll make a great dinner,
and it'll be a great Christmas,
and your mom will love me,
and I will finally be
added to the group thread.
And more importantly, you
won't die or become a zombie.
Go save the day, babe.
I'll be back. I'm taking Bela's car.
Hey, Jay,
your parents are up in
their room talking about you.
What? Why are you spying on my folks?
HETTY: In Trevor's defense,
spying on people is 98% of what we do.
I guess it is kind
of a cool opportunity.
The sooner you take the moral low road,
- the more you'll get to hear.
- Either way, we're going.
Okay, I'll meet you up there.
I'm gonna go through
the door again, though.
MAHESH: It's just, I wish
he had gone for something like medicine.
That's why we came here.
So they could have
opportunities that we didn't.
Mahesh.
He was cooking even as a small child.
It is his passion.
It's not that I don't
think he's talented.
I never said this to
him because I don't want
to encourage that
restaurant nonsense, but
he's the best cook I've ever seen.
Really?
What is that supposed to mean?
And she made it about her.
Nicely played. I like this woman.
He learned it from you, of course.
I'm just saying, he has a gift.
But even with a gift, that
business there's no guarantee.
I just don't want to see him struggle.
Hey, guys, do you want to
go grab some food in town?
We'll have to Uber because
I think Sam stole my car.
That sounds about right.
Well, that must have
felt good to hear, Jay.
I know what I need to tell my dad now
to make him understand why
I'm opening the restaurant.
I just hope Pete's back with my
body soon so I get the chance.
It was a rather rash
move for Peter to run off,
but you have to consider
it from his perspective.
This is a once-in-an-afterlife
opportunity.
In your body he'll actually be
able to talk to his daughter.
And she'll be able to hear him.
Poor Peter has missed the
last 40 Christmases with Laura.
And he's never had one with his
little illegitimate grandson.
Guess I didn't think about it like that.
I would do anything to spend
another Christmas with my family.
- Yes.
- Mm.
No Pants, I think we got to send a text.
To the iPad.
T-Money to the rescue.
[FAKE CHUCKLE] He really
says that all the time?
- You have no idea.
- [CHUCKLING]: Yeah. Yeah.
[SIGHS]
Hello, Pete.
[SCREAMS]
Oh, cheese and crackers.
I tracked the car to this rest stop.
Darn it, I had to pee again.
You know, you forget how much
time you buy back as a ghost
not having to worry about
all these bodily functions.
We're going home, Pete.
But what about Laura and Little Pete?
It's too risky.
What if something happens to Jay's body
or you start to disappear?
Also, it's not my call to make.
Oh, gosh. [CLICKS TONGUE]
- [PHONE CHIMES, BUZZES]
- I guess you're right.
Hmm. It's from the kitchen iPad.
"I get it now. Pete needs to
see his family on Christmas.
I can wait a few extra hours."
Wow.
Your husband is a wonderful man.
A wonderful man with
a walnut-sized bladder.
Quick thought: Isn't Laura gonna
think it's weird when we just show up?
You mean because we're
her casual acquaintances
who just happen to own the property
on which both of her
parents met their demise?
Yeah, that's what I mean.
That's what the gift is for.
Cool.
Well, let me drive because I
want to get there before Tuesday.
Listen, I wanted to talk to you
about the whole Thor thing.
And I wanted to let
you know from the outset
that that's what I wanted to talk about.
In case I veer off topic,
you can guide me back.
That sounds like a good system.
Please don't be mad at Thor.
I pressured him into
telling me your secret.
Now, if I'd had any idea
that it was going to be
such a bummer of a secret,
I would never have done that.
Look, it's not even about the secret.
I mean, sure, it's a
little embarrassing.
You are so brave.
It's more about the
fact that he told you.
- Mm.
- Thor and I have been
best friends for 500 years.
I can still remember the day we met.
I had just recently died
and hadn't seen another ghost yet.
[LAUGHS]
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
The big guy learned Lenape
from watching us all those years.
Aw, that is so sweet.
I'm happy for you guys,
but him telling you my secret
is kind of like him
choosing you over me.
And that's not your
fault, but it hurt.
You know, a threesome would
solve a lot of the problems
on the table right now. I'm just saying.
[CHUCKLES]
No, thank you. I'm good.
But how? How are you good?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- Hey.
- Sam. Jay.
- Laura.
- What are you doing here?
We were just in the area.
We wanted a Christmas cheesesteak,
it's this weird tradition we have.
Anyway, we thought we'd stop
by and give you something.
Okay. It's a little weird,
but would you like to come
in for a couple minutes?
You look amazing, sweetie.
Thank you, husband.
He's talking to me.
We won't stay long.
[GASPS]
This is wonderful.
I can't believe I'm talking to you.
Mommy, who is it?
It's Sam and Jay from Woodstone.
You met them.
The people who killed Grandma?
LAURA: It was an accident.
JAY: Little Pete. Hi.
Jay, why don't you give her the gift?
Oh, yeah. Of course.
Uh, here you go, Laura.
A Trenton rest stop snow globe?
I heard you were moving,
and I thought it'd be nice
for you to have something
to always remember home.
It's funny,
my dad used to always
get me snow globes.
Lucky guess.
Sounds like he was a very sweet man.
The sweetest.
I miss him every day.
Well, I bet if he were here,
he'd tell you how proud of you he is,
and the beautiful family you've created.
You done good.
Thank you.
♪
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
[GROANS]
Is he okay?
Yeah. He, uh, took some
cold medicine earlier.
[GROANS]
I guess it's kicking in now.
Oof, Zombie Jay.
Little Pete's gonna have nightmares.
[GROANS]
And I don't think I'm
gonna sleep well either.
Come on, babe. Merry Christmas.
[JAY GROANS]
And then, when Jay's body
pulled out of the hug,
Pete's soul stayed behind,
still hugging Laura.
Incredible.
Huey Lewis was right.
The power of love.
- [GROANS]
- Mm-mm.
Really don't like this look on me.
Okay, my parents are
upstairs in their room.
We're all clear.
Great, let's get you back in there.
How are you going to
convey to this beast
that it should touch the light?
That's what this is for.
We stopped for fries at Sonic.
- Come get it, Zombie Jay.
- [GROANS]
JAY: Okay, well, I
guess this is goodbye.
Thank you for everything.
The honor was ours, sir.
It was wonderful knowing you.
[GROANS]
I hope it is many years
until we meet again,
but when that sad day does arrive,
please ensure your pockets
are stuffed to the brim
with high-quality cocaine.
We'll be here, bro.
[GROANING]
Jay, hurry, get behind you.
Okay, I'm ready.
Oh, he's going for the Sonic.
- [GROANS]
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
- [GASPS]
- Jay!
Are you okay? Jay?
Jay?
Brains!
ALBERTA: Oh, no.
Nah, I'm Just kidding. It's me.
I'm back, baby.
[LAUGHTER] Ooh, got us.
Oh, I hate zombies.
Sasappis, we need to speak.
Thor know that since
start dating Flower,
Thor get very wrapped
up in relationship,
but Thor sorry if he neglect you.
Did Flower put you up to this?
Yes, but only because Flower know
how important Sass is to Thor.
You still Thor's best friend,
and Thor promise to make
time just for Sass and Thor.
That's nice of you to say, but
In fact, Thor have idea
of what we can do now.
You still know Lenape?
Thor never forget,
just choose to speak English to you
because Thor more better at that.
- Makes sense.
- Just to be clear,
there is no moose carcass.
Was just doing gesture.
Yeah, I got that.
There is flattened bird in road.
Pretty cool.
I could check it out.
[LAUGHS]
Hoo!
Did not miss that wolf urine.
Is good having you back, virgin.
This one's for Sam.
It's from my mom.
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
A robot vacuum. Thank you.
Just seemed like you
needed help keeping up.
She's not wrong.
Okay, that looks like all the gifts.
Actually, Dad, I have one more,
but it's not here.
Come with me.
Oh, hey, um, where's my car?
Uh, it's at a rest stop in New Jersey.
Cool.
This is my restaurant, Dad.
And mine, despite
your consistent refusal
to put horse pie on the menu.
Oh, that's disgusting, Isaac.
It's just a more muscly cow.
It looks nice, Jay,
but we know about this.
And you know my thoughts.
But there's something you don't know,
which is why I'm
starting this restaurant.
Bring it home, Jay.
I know it's a risky endeavor,
but that's kind of what
the whole ethos of the menu
and the restaurant is.
It's celebrating the risks
that make life exciting.
Like you and Mom.
You left India,
you went halfway around the world.
You didn't know anyone,
you didn't have any money.
You just wanted to make a
better life for your family.
For us.
This restaurant might not work.
There's no guarantee,
but I owe it to the legacy of the man
after whom it's named
to see if it can succeed.
Welcome to Mahesh.
You named the restaurant after me?
It wouldn't be here if
it wasn't for you, Dad.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you, son.
CHAMPA: Aw, Jay looks so happy.
You know, Mom, it was Sam's idea
to have Jay open a
restaurant in the barn.
Hmm.
Nice work, Samantha.
Thank you.
I wanted to call it Champa's.
It's just too much.
We need to get Nancy back up in there.
[PHONE CHIMES]
"Sam is so thirsty,
and not just for chai"?
Really, Mom?
On the family thread on Christmas?
"And not just for chai"?
You added me to the Core Four?
I'm one of the six of the Core Four?
Yes, but be cool.
She will not be cool.
This is so cool, Mom.
I know.
I used to love those
when I was your age.
This is just how I pictured it.
Oh, boy.
I think it might be time to go.
Yep, that's my cue to leave.
Merry Christmas, everyone.