Gilmore Girls s04e09 Episode Script

Twenty-three is old.
It's almost 25,|which is, like, almost mid-20s.
- She did not say that.
|- She did say that.
It seems wrong that Jessica Simpson|is alive and well and Roy got eaten by his tiger.
Survival of the fittest, baby.
Man, this place is packed.
Damn that Zagat Guide.
Only the loser mini-table's open.
- What do we do?|- Time to hover.
You take the old couple,|I'll hit the cybergeek.
Got it.
Hello.
Hello.
That was the best hovering|I've ever seen you do.
- I was taught by the best.
|- But the focus.
You never blinked.
And the sneeze, so tiny, so dainty,|so terrifying to the old.
Luke's gonna be mad.
He hates it when we commandeer|two tables during rush hour.
He only hated it that one time.
- What time?|- The time when we did it and he was mad.
- He's hated it every time.
|- No.
- Yes.
|- Only the one time.
- What time?|- The time we did it.
- You're gonna do this to Luke?|- Till he's so dizzy he throws up.
Nice.
- Calendars?|- Let's do it.
So your finals-induced hibernation period|is setting in - Monday.
|- Okay.
So how about Sunday, we have|a major Sephora fix, maybe a movie sort of a "see-you" day|before you go "bye-bye"? - Throw in a pedicure, and you got a deal.
|- Done.
Coffee's gonna be ready in a sec.
|You know what you want? We need napkins to cover this big,|wide, expansive table.
- Okay.
Are you in the mood for pancakes?|- Pancakes, sure.
I guess we have enough space|for pancakes.
'Cause I'm making pumpkin pancakes and it comes with homemade|cinnamon butter.
- You made cinnamon butter?|- This morning.
I bet the people who'd love a table|but can't 'cause they're all taken would love pumpkin pancakes|with homemade cinnamon butter.
- I'll get your coffee.
|- Hold on.
- What?|- We're sitting at two tables.
- Yeah?|- You hate that.
That makes you mad.
Only that one time.
- Why are you so sunny this morning?|- Actually, I finally hired some help.
- Good for you.
|- I figured I needed the help.
Got a kid in here to pick up the slack.
I kind of feel like a weight's been lifted.
- Sounds very sensible.
|- Let me get your food going.
Okay, so, talk to me.
- Talk to you about what?|- Talk to me about Jason.
- There's nothing to talk about.
|- Oh, come on.
I'm in a serious romantic dry spell.
I need to live vicariously|through somebody.
- He has called.
|- Okay.
- He has sent things.
|- Pipe bombs? - Flowers, candy.
|- Even better.
But he's my father's partner.
|I've known him forever.
Can you imagine if I actually went out|with someone from my 'hood? Do you like him? He's completely not my type,|but he does have a thing and the smarts, and he does keep up.
Maybe you should go out with him|and see what happens.
Dad would flip, and Mom hates him,|so she would see it as a personal attack.
I'm just getting her off me|for spilling wine.
- When did you do that?|- Ninth grade.
Things are quiet now.
|I just wanna keep them quiet.
Hey, Brennon, pick up.
- Oh, my God.
|- What? He hired Brennon Lewis.
- You know him?|- I went to junior high with him.
- And?|- Ew! He doesn't look that bad.
He's the boy who dissected a frog,|did not wash his hands - and then ate a sandwich.
|- Ew! He's like the lost Farrelly brother.
|He's so stupid.
He watched "The Breakfast Club " and decided to tape|his own butt cheeks together.
Okay.
So, Mensa's not sending him|a T-shirt yet but Luke has hired him,|so we have to give him a chance.
- You have the pancakes?|- We sure do.
- Hi, Brennon.
|- Hey.
Rory Gilmore.
We went to school together.
- Yeah?|- You don't remember? Biology? The frog? There've been a lot of frogs, man.
- Okay.
Thanks for the food.
|- Yup.
Your kids will be gorgeous.
This roommate of mine, sophomore year,|we absolutely hated him.
He was, in addition to being|a complete nincompoop rather a chubby lad.
So, one night,|we tied him in between two mattresses - and threw him out the window.
|- What? I'm writing that one down.
- Was he okay?|- Oh, he was fine.
He went to sleep.
He woke up in the morning|and picked up right where he left off.
We threw him out the window|every night for a month.
Then he transferred.
You think tossing him regularly out the|window had something to do with that? It crossed our minds, yes.
However, we were young and full|of energy.
Every day was an adventure.
No challenge was too great.
|We wanted to change the world.
This is so great.
I wanna thank you for inviting me to lunch.
You're very welcome, Paris.
How often does a man like me get the chance to entertain|two such lovely and intelligent ladies? You are a honey-tongued devil, aren't you? So, tell me,|what are your plans for the game? - The what?|- The game.
The Harvard-Yale game.
I already have my ticket.
|I bought it a month ago.
- You did?|- It's the game, Rory.
It's a college memory.
I intend on having|as many college memories as possible.
Your grandmother and I have attended|all these games for the past 32 years.
We always buy a block of seats,|and we got one for you.
- So how about it? We'd love to take you.
|- And I would love to go.
- Good.
It'll be a wonderful day.
|- It will be a day to remember.
- Richard?|- Asher! Look at you! - Good to see you.
|- Good to see you.
Your grandfather knows Asher Fleming?|That's amazing.
I read his latest book four times.
He was on "Charlie Rose" last week|and almost kept me awake.
I didn't know he knew him.
I wonder if I can interview him|for the paper.
- What if I want an interview with him?|- What? - He's my grandfather.
|- You're stealing my interview.
- No, I'm just making you crazy.
|- Like that's hard.
Feel proud.
Girls, I'd like to introduce you to a former|classmate of mine, Asher Fleming.
Asher, my granddaughter, Rory.
- Hello.
|- Pleasure to meet you.
- And her friend, Paris Geller.
|- Paris.
I saw you on "Charlie Rose.
" You were good.
Thank you.
Not too self-important,|you made your point and managed to look interested|when Charlie babbled on about nothing.
- Charlie Rose is a good friend of mine.
|- Whatever.
Professor, I'd love to do a profile on you|for the paper.
Nothing puffy.
|Straight up, hard-hitting, uncensored.
Your views, no slant.
- Tomorrow work for you?|- Well, I'll have to check my schedule.
- I do teach, you know.
|- Sure, you gotta pay the bills.
Richard, terrific to see you again.
- Let's have lunch next week.
|- Consider it a date.
- Splendid.
|- Right.
Goodbye, ladies.
I'm a fan! - I could've opened with that, couldn't I?|- Then you wouldn't be you.
Okay, see, a better man, a smarter man,|a different man, would take into account that flowers, candy, numerous phone calls|have gone unnoticed by you.
Those men would get a clue, have|some pride, grow a pair, and move on.
Oh, well, Lorelai Gilmore,|daughter of Richard and Emily mother of Rory, and friend to all would you join me for dinner|on Saturday night? Please call me back because I will someday find|my pathetic threshold and stop trying.
This is Jason.
This is Lorelai.
- You're kidding.
|- No, I'm not.
- You're really calling me back?|- Yes, I am.
Anyone there who could document this?|A photographer, or a really fast painter? You get the girl to call you back,|and give her a hard time.
You're right.
I apologize.
So, how are you? I'm fine.
And you? I don't know.
I've suspect you called to tell me|you're not available for dinner and that's gonna bum me out.
- Look, Jason-|- Okay before you continue, let me say|I got us reservations at the China Garden.
- You're kidding.
|- Very hot ticket in town.
Good food, great bar, quite a scene.
How did you do that? Pulled a few strings,|greased a few palms sold myself to a "sous-chef.
"|A very tender man, I might add.
I just want you to be happy.
So, long story short: table for two at 8:30.
|You need a little, black dress.
I am so incredibly tempted.
- But?|- But you work with my father.
|You're hated by my mother.
- You come from my world.
|- You find me repulsive.
No, I don't.
I wish I did.
Okay, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna keep the reservation|and go by myself.
I've been reading about it for months and personally, I'd like to see|what the fuss is about.
Do you understand at all|where I'm coming from? Nope, but that's okay.
I'm sorry, Jason.
Me, too.
I bet you look good|in one of those black dresses.
Yes, I do.
Goodbye, Lorelai.
Bye, Jason.
It's 10:00 at night,|an suddenly I hear this terrible racket.
So I go outside,|and there is May Richmond sneaking a six-foot Rudolph|into her garage.
That woman is working my last nerve.
- So what?|- So what? - Don't you know what this means?|- I'm racking my brain.
They're going to put a giant|plastic reindeer on their roof.
Right next to our roof.
You scared they'll keep you up all night|playing reindeer games? They can't light them up.
The Homeowners' Association|has very strict rules about the amount of lights|that you can display in front of your house.
They already have lawn twinklers.
They could give up their lawn twinklers|and focus solely on the reindeer.
They were awfully proud of their twinklers|last year.
It was all they talked about.
Take a step back,|examine the conversation you're having and spend some time apart.
May I have some more roast,|please, Grandma? Of course you may.
- It's really good tonight, Mom.
|- Thank you, Lorelai.
By the way, Rory, we will pick you up|in front of your residence hall - tomorrow morning, 9:00 sharp.
|- Okay.
- What's happening tomorrow?|- Tomorrow's the game.
- The game?|- The game, the Harvard-Yale game.
- Right.
Football?|- Lorelai.
- Why does the question get a "Lorelai"?|- Yes, it's football.
The most important football game|of the entire year.
- All of Yale will be there.
|- Cool.
Can I go? - You want to go to a football game?|- If it's such a big deal, absolutely.
But you don't like football.
No, I'm not the die-hard fan that, say,|you are, Mom, but it's Rory's school.
- You won't get bored?|- Yes, I'll get bored but that's when the "South Park"|impressions kick in.
We have invited friends.
Important people.
I'm kidding, Mom.
I can only do Cartman.
- So, you want to go?|- Yup.
- You sure about this?|- Absolutely positive.
Well, I guess we could uninvite someone.
- Cecil, perhaps.
|- Or Donlon.
- Donlon just had his colon removed.
|- Cecil, then.
I guess I should call him now,|give him time to get another ticket.
- I'll call his wife.
|- Thanks! What is wrong with you? Why didn't you get me|a ticket to the game? - I was saving you, dummy.
|- Saving me from what? - You hate football.
|- So do you.
I know I hate football,|but I couldn't get out of it.
You could.
So, I have to go watch a football game.
|I get to hang with you before finals.
- You sure?|- Of course.
What's a football game last?|Hour, hour and a half? Longer than an hour and a half?|Are you kidding me? Damn it.
Emily, Cecil's the one|who had his colon removed.
I'm calling Donlon.
- I hate football.
|- I tried to get you out of it.
- You should have tried harder.
|- Next time.
Where's Luke? Probably in bed, where the rest|of the world is on a Saturday.
- Did I put on underwear?|- What? I think I forgot to put on underwear.
|Can you check? Did I just ask you to check|if I put on underwear? - Yes.
|- I hate football.
You just need coffee.
- Oh, no!|- What? - Froggy.
|- Brennon? - I hate that kid.
|- I thought we were giving him a chance.
Chance ended when he dumped|a chili-bean omelet on me.
What do we do? He's coming over here.
- What can I do for you "chicas?"|- We'd just like to order, please.
- Go ahead.
|- I'll have the cheese omelet extra cheddar, no jack, sourdough toast,|two bacons, two sausages.
- You're not writing this down.
|- Don't need to.
Continue.
Two bacons, two sausages, one pancake.
|I'd really like you to write this down.
Trust me, it's all stored.
- What would you like?|- Rye toast.
- You want that toasted?|- Sure, why not? - Got it.
|- Rye toast? My odds are way better than yours.
- Brennon!|- Nice volume.
- This is a box of doughnuts.
|- Yeah? - It's supposed to be a box of bagels.
|- They both have holes in them, right? We've already had this conversation.
Get me the bagels.
Go! Now! Bye! - Excuse me, can I get a napkin?|- Yeah, sure.
Excuse me, can I get a napkin|to put my napkin on? This is so completely unfair.
I didn't even know Luke was looking|for someone.
I'd love to work here.
- Your mother would've let you?|- Luke is a man.
With man-parts, we think.
Luke's is one of the few|Mrs.
Kim-approved places.
No alcohol,|walking distance to the church and you can see my house from here.
I totally need the money.
Instead, I get to|return a box of doughnuts once a day.
- Rye toast.
|- Told you.
You wanted something, right? Excuse me just a second, won't you? - Sure.
|- Thanks.
- Luke?|- What are you doing here? We're going to the Harvard-Yale game.
You're going to the Harvard-Yale game?|You know what they do there? - They make babies?|- They play football.
And you're supposed|to watch them play football.
Enough about me.
Let's talk about you.
- I'm worried.
|- Why? Ever since you hired that Brennon,|the little spark has gone out of your eyes.
- It has?|- Yes, it has.
And I am here to tell you that it is hell|watching you go through this.
So I think for your own sake,|you should fire Froggy.
- Froggy?|- Brennon.
- You want me to fire Brennon.
Why?|- Remember the spark? - Why do you want me to fire Brennon?|- Come back, little spark! He doesn't write the orders down,|never brings you food that's hot, or yours.
He can't distinguish bagels|from doughnuts, hands out butt-napkins and he's worn that Foreigner T-shirt|every day since he started working and he doesn't know who they are.
|I asked him.
What are butt-napkins? Kirk needed a napkin,|and he pulled one out of his back pocket.
- Hey, Bren?|- Yeah, Boss.
Did you give Kirk a napkin|out of your back pocket? - Yeah.
|- Don't.
Okay.
That's it? What about all the other stuff? You're just used to me.
Give him time.
Have you heard about the frog,|the hands, and the sandwich? No, but I've heard about the rabbi,|the priest, and the duck.
You're not taking me seriously.
Bren, get Ms.
Gilmore a cup of hot coffee,|will you? Give the kid a chance.
|He's helping me out Decaf.
And I have faith in him.
|All he needs is a little more time Black top.
to learn the ropes, and he'll be fine.
- Where did he go?|- I don't know.
Where are they all going? It's|Saturday morning.
They should be in bed.
They're excited about life.
|It's a college thing.
- How come you're not excited about life?|- I find nothing exciting before 11:00.
Yoo-hoo, girls! Over here! God, who's yoo-hooing? Oh, my God.
- Lorelai, Rory.
|- It's a fine day for football.
And funny hats.
If you're going to stay on the ground,|you should get a saxophone and a tip cup.
- Sorry.
Up!|- Right.
- Lorelai, what are you wearing?|- You're horrified by what I'm wearing? - You're wearing crimson.
|- I'm not wearing crimson.
- She can't go like that.
|- Crimson is Harvard's color.
That's a very dangerous choice|to make today, Lorelai.
I'm not wearing crimson.
I'm wearing red.
- Same thing.
|- Very different.
Look at Rory.
|Rory is dressed in Yale colors.
- Why can't you be like Rory?|- Rory looks perfect.
Rory got dressed just before you|got here, and she's wearing my sweater.
- I could have been the one dressed right.
|- You can wear my jacket.
You have a samurai sword|under those pompoms? 'Cause you'll have to "Kill Bill" me|to get me into that.
- Arm.
|- Yes, ma'am.
- What have you got there, Rory?|- Fig Newtons.
- Fig Newtons?|- A little dessert for later.
- What's so funny?|- We got the jumbo pack.
We're not cheap.
I'm sorry, Rory,|we didn't mean to laugh at you.
- We love your Fig Newtons.
|- We'll honor them and eat them proudly.
They're just Fig Newtons.
|Don't get all freaky on us.
Let's get going.
- What time does the game start?|00.
Then why the hell|did we have to meet you at 9:00? Is it absolutely necessary for you|to talk like Sharon Osbourne? You're the one with the dirty button.
There's much more to the big game day|than the game.
There are all kinds of rituals and traditions|we Gilmores take part in.
- First off, a visit to Dan.
|- A visit to Dan.
- Who's Dan?|- Come along, ladies.
- Who's Dan?|- Button your coat.
Who's Dan? Girls, I'd like you to meet Dan.
The original Handsome Dan.
- The very first Yale mascot.
|- Oh, my.
Just look at him, will you? Strong,|determined, the very essence of dignity.
Got cotton stuffed in his butt.
|How dignified is that? You will not sully the name of Dan.
This dog has been the inspiration|for many a young man.
And young woman.
- We salute you, Dan.
|- Time for a toast.
Seriously? It's a tradition.
Here we go.
The Rory flask.
And the fun flask.
Thank you.
- Lorelai?|- Fun flask, please.
All right.
Give our boys the strength to do battle yet again|for the honor of Yale and help us send the Harvard boys home|in a body bag.
- Dan, we salute you.
|- To Dan.
- To Dan.
|- To Dan.
I like football.
I must admit, throughout the years I've often hoped to be able to share|this day with my granddaughter.
It's selfish, I know,|but I am thrilled to be here with you, Rory.
To Rory.
Two more of these|and I'll start to understand your outfit.
What is he doing? They're joining him.
Apparently, everyone out here|has a fun flask.
- You know, Cole Porter wrote that song.
|- Was it before he learned to write songs? All right, everyone.
Time to move on.
We have a lot of things to get to.
I hear there's a squirrel|encased in concrete next door.
We have to burn incense, dance|around his tail with nuts in our mouths.
- What can I possibly do to stop you?|- More of the fun flask might do the trick.
- That's all until we eat.
|- Where are we going to eat? - It's a tailgate party.
|- I'm sorry, a what? Don't look so shocked, Lorelai.
|Tailgating was invented at Yale.
Tailgating, like tailgating? Like a beer|and a hot dog in the parking lot? Walk a little faster, please.
- Did they just say tailgating?|- I think so.
Just wanted to make sure|it wasn't the fun flask talking.
Girls? - So, this is tailgating.
|- It smells so good.
How are you? Go, Yale.
- Hi, I'm Lorelai.
|- I'm Bennie.
Great to meet you, Bennie.
|Tell me about this barbecue sauce.
Please don't harass people.
|Your daughter goes to this school.
Mom, meet Bennie.
|This is my mother, Emily.
We were thinking a summer wedding.
It's nice to meet you.
We're over there.
I don't care where you are.
|I have found my place in life.
- It's here, right next to the-|- Oh, my God.
- What?|- Look.
Richard, make sure he doesn't burn those.
See you, Bennie.
Okay, let's tailgate.
I really like football.
- How's that?|- That's fine if we were in Utah.
Message received.
Don't keep drinking that, Richard.
|I'm making my bloody marys.
You have been working on your|bloody marys for an hour now.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
Taste that, Lorelai.
- Too strong?|- Just a tad.
Yeah, I'm sitting across from it|and I'm looking for a lampshade to wear.
- All right, all right.
|- Rory, come with me.
I wanna introduce you|to some good friends of mine.
Sure.
- He is so proud of that girl.
|- I know.
- Sometimes that's all he can talk about.
|- Yeah, it's a pretty good subject.
Gentlemen, I want to introduce you|to my granddaughter, Rory Class of 2007.
So, any word from that little|ex-hoodlum of hers? No.
Jess seems to be gone for good.
- How is she?|- She's Rory.
She's stoic.
She's lot like Dad.
She is, isn't she? And what about you?|Any men sniffing around? - Just on trash day.
|- There must be someone.
No, no one.
All right.
Any weaker,|and it would simply be tomato juice.
- Very nice.
|- Yes? Perfect.
- Hi.
|- Hi, Paris.
- Is Rory here?|- She's over there.
She'll be right back.
- Mom, do you know Paris?|- She came to Rory's 16th birthday party.
Nice to see you again.
|Would you like some lemonade? No, thank you.
I won't be here long.
Rory.
Good.
- Here.
|- What's this? - I want you to take a win-lose photo.
|- A what? A photo as if we won,|and a photo as if we lost.
That way, I have it|to remember the day by.
Why don't you wait until we win or lose? I'm so bored out of my mind I'm thinking of transferring to Princeton|just for the hell of it.
There's no way I'll make it to the game.
|Take the picture so I can go home.
Okay.
We won! We lost.
- We're done.
|- I'm out of here.
- Hello, Paris.
Join us for some food?|- No, thanks, Richard.
By the way, thanks again|for introducing me to Asher Fleming.
- Did you get your interview?|- Not yet, but I'm working on it.
- I pity him if he tries to resist too long.
|- So do I.
- Bye.
|- Bye, Paris.
She's an odd little duck, that one.
- Don't I get one of those?|- Well, of course you do.
- Richard, Emily, hello.
|- Pennilyn.
Nice to see you.
- How are things?|- Perfect.
You? - Lovely.
How's work?|- Just fine.
- How's Stephen?|- Oh, you know.
Our daughter, Lorelai.
|Our granddaughter, Rory.
- Hello.
|- It's been so long.
We must catch up.
- You'll call?|- Of course.
Wait, are you Pennilyn Lott,|my dad's college sweetheart? - Yes.
|- You're my almost-mommy.
I suppose you could put it that way.
I'm so glad to finally meet you.
|Let me ask you something: Would you have let me get a pony? - I'll call you, Pennilyn.
|- Yes, I look forward to it.
Bye! Lorelai! Does anything work above your neck?|What were you thinking? - I'm sorry.
I was just trying to talk to her.
|- We do not talk to Pennilyn Lott.
We run into her once a year.
|We say "hello," "goodbye," and that is it.
We do not have conversations,|we do not talk about our lives.
- But, Mom-|- We do not joke with Pennilyn Lott.
We do not refer to Pennilyn Lott|as anything but Pennilyn Lott.
I would appreciate you remembering that.
Okay.
Seriously, time for the fun flask.
- Hey, Patty.
|- Hi, sweetie.
- Gypsy.
|- Hey, Luke.
- Rev.
Skinner.
|- Afternoon, son.
Kirk, I got that cheese in you like.
- The Pepper Jack.
|- Pepper Jack.
Yes, anyway, it's in|if you're coming by today.
- Okay.
|- Are you? - Am I coming by today?|- Yes.
No, not today.
Kirk, listen, I got that cheese just for you.
Do not leave me with three pounds|of Pepper Jack on my hands.
I won't.
- What are you doing here, anyway?|- Standing in line.
- Why are you standing in line?|- Because I'm a follower.
- Patty?|- Yes, Luke? Why are all these people|standing in line? It seemed like such a nice day for pie.
- What's going on here?|- I'm sticking to the pie story.
- Why do you need a pie story, Kirk?|- Ask Gypsy.
Don't pawn this off on me.
Will somebody tell me|what the hell is going on here? - Luke-|- Sorry, Reverend.
No, I was gonna tell you what's going on.
- Good.
Go ahead.
|- We're all here for lunch.
- Since when does Weston's serve lunch?|- We're sorry, Luke.
We really are.
- Sorry about what?|- About not eating at your diner anymore.
You're not eating|at my diner anymore? Why? - We hate the kid.
|- Brennon? Brennon, Satan, whatever.
Don't you think|you're overreacting a little? - He's just a kid.
|- A really weird kid.
He'll be looking directly at you|and start laughing.
No one knows why.
|He's just there, laughing.
He laughs? That's why you hate him?|The kid laughs? - You'd have to hear it.
|- I don't believe you people.
You've been coming to my diner for years,|and now, all of a sudden because I give a local kid a break,|try to teach him a skill give him a chance to get|a little extra cash, a little independence you all just up and leave? So he's not the most popular kid in town.
If I remember correctly, I wasn't exactly|the most popular kid in town, either.
Yeah.
But you didn't do|that laughing thing.
Whatever I did, I grew up,|I got responsible.
This town gave me a chance,|and I proved them right.
Now, you're gonna stand there|and tell me that's it that you've given out|all the passes that you had and you're not coming to my diner|anymore, because you don't like Brennon? Well, fine.
Fine! Do not come to my diner.
From now on,|every day is a nice day for pie.
Just give me 10 minutes.
I think I have officially eaten|a third of a cow.
- This steak is incredible.
|- I'm glad you're all enjoying it.
Lorelai, how's your steak? Why do you ask? That's it.
Hand over the flask.
I don't know what you're talking about.
|There's no flask here.
What's going on over there? - Richard, it's Dan.
|- Dan? It's Dan! - I thought we already saw Dan.
|- This is the current Dan.
- Emily, get his bone.
|- Got it.
Here you go, Dan.
Enjoy it now.
|I just saw your future, and it ain't good.
Rory, hey.
Did you see Dan? You can't help it.
He's everywhere today|in one form or another.
I want you to meet my mom.
I'll distract them,|and you make a run for it.
Dan, are you listening to me? Stop eating.
|Your freedom's at stake here! - Mom?|- I was just petting him.
- I want you to meet Marty.
|- Naked guy! You told your mother about me.
I included some anecdotes|where you were actually clothed, too.
I appreciate that.
And who is this young man? This is Marty.
|He lives in my residence hall.
It's very nice to meet you, Marty.
Why did my daughter|just call you "naked guy"? I now owe you money.
I had an unfortunate experience|with a keg and a party and a need to take my clothes off|and fall asleep in a hallway.
- My goodness.
|- Please, that's nothing.
I was naked an entire month|my sophomore year.
- What?|- Welcome to tonight's episode of "Things I never needed|to know about my father.
" I and a group of like-minded young men|decided to protest the new dress code by wearing silk ties and nothing else.
We were written up|by the Dean of Admissions and threatened with expulsion.
We were also suddenly very popular|with the ladies.
This is exactly the kind of conversation|I had hoped we would have with our granddaughter and her friend.
One night in the hallway|does not a true naked guy make.
- Would you like to eat with us, Marty?|- I would love to.
It looks amazing.
But I have to go.
There's a party going on|over on the lawn and I actually came by to see|if Rory wanted to stop by for a little while.
I can't.
Nonsense.
Of course you can go.
|Go visit your friends.
I insist.
Are you sure? We've got plenty of time|before the kickoff.
- Go.
|- Okay.
- Take this with you.
|- Thanks.
It was nice meeting you.
- I like that boy.
|- Prove it.
Drop your pants.
- All right, come on.
|- Come on where? - It's time to go to the ladies' room.
|- It is? Was there a memo? It's an hour before kickoff.
The lines|won't be long.
You'll thank me later.
I'll meet you right outside.
Coffee, please.
- Here you go.
|- Thanks.
Sure.
Of course there's a line.
|Why wouldn't there be? You kind of want|to hang out here anyhow.
Why is that? Some woman took|her 40-year-old son in there.
- No!|- He might not be 40 but the images he's gathering up|will last him until he gets there.
- Why do women do that?|- I don't know.
When I was growing up,|there was a thing called modesty.
I suppose that's not in fashion now.
No.
Modesty went punk.
- So, I hear you're opening an inn.
|- Well, trying to.
- That sounds very exciting.
|- It is.
Pennilyn, we're just running into you|all over the place.
- Yes, you are.
|- It's a nice treat.
Enjoy the game.
- Same to you.
|- The line's moving.
- I'll see you later.
|- Yes.
Let's go, Lorelai.
Did you see the woman|with the 40-year-old kid? Oh, Emily.
Good.
I can't remember whether|it's two shakes of Tabasco or four.
I'll do it.
I did, however, remember|how much vodka goes in there.
- You'll have to move if I'm to make them.
|- But I don't want to move.
I want to stand right here,|dangerously close to my wife.
Whiffenpoofs! There's no celery.
Sandy, I told you to cut enough celery|for the entire day.
- He's gonna be in so much pain tomorrow.
|- What is this? - Sandy, what is this?|- It's the cookies.
It's the cookies|my granddaughter brought.
I told you to place them on a doily,|not just dump them on a plate.
- I'm sorry.
|- Take them, fix them.
And where's the celery? - I can get you celery, Mom.
|- I didn't hire you to get me celery.
- I know, but I'm happy to help.
|- Sandy, I don't want to ask you again.
- Is something wrong, Mom?|- No.
Nothing's wrong.
These are the best bloody marys|I have ever tasted.
Emily, let's give these boys|some refreshments.
We can't give them any|because we don't have any celery even though I've been asking for it|for the last 10 minutes.
We can drink them without celery.
How does Pennilyn Lott know|that Lorelai's opening an inn? - Excuse me?|- She knows that Lorelai's opening an inn.
- How did she know?|- Well- I didn't tell her.
|I don't think Lorelai told her.
I can't remember the last time|Rory and Pennilyn had a hen party.
Once a year.
That's when we talk to her,|right here at the game.
We ask about her health, her children.
|If Stephen's not here, we ask about him.
- How did she know?|- I told her.
Run.
When? About six months ago.
We had lunch.
- Where?|- At a restaurant.
- What restaurant?|- You don't know it.
- Why don't I know it?|- Because you've never been there.
How do you know?|You don't know everything about me.
I didn't know you were having lunch|with Pennilyn Lott.
We obviously don't know|everything about each other.
- What restaurant?|- Adele's.
I've never been there.
We just had lunch and talked.
|Two old friends.
How nice.
So, after all of these years|of not having lunch and not talking you two decide to get together|and catch up.
Whose idea was it? Emily, could we discuss this in the trailer? We will discuss this right here.
- Whose idea was it?|- I don't know.
We've been having lunch once a year|for many years.
- It's just a little tradition.
|- Every year since when? Every year since we got married.
Emily, please don't make this|more dramatic than it has to be.
No, I certainly wouldn't want to do that! Pennilyn and I are just friends.
We just wanted|to keep track of each other.
That was it.
So you've lied to me for the last 39 years.
- She didn't tell Stephen.
It was only lunch.
|- Only lunch, yes.
I think you should go for a walk, Richard.
I'll be back before the game.
Mom, I know it was wrong but I'm sure Dad|just didn't want to get you upset.
Then perhaps he shouldn't have lied to me|for the last 39 years.
- That's a surefire way not to get me upset.
|- True, but it was just lunch.
It was lunch with Pennilyn Lott, Lorelai the woman you insisted on talking to,|even though I told you not to.
- I didn't-|- Your stubbornness is astounding to me.
I asked you over and over|to refrain from talking to her.
You asked me once- But no, you had to push it.
Now look|what's happened.
Are you happy? - Are you seriously blaming me for this?|- You had to talk to her.
- I didn't have lunch with her.
Dad did.
|- I wouldn't have known.
If you hadn't talked to her,|I wouldn't have known and everything would've been fine.
- You'd rather be in denial about things?|- Everything would have been fine.
Dad still would have been|having lunch with this woman once a year.
You weren't even supposed to come.
It was supposed to be your father|and me and Rory.
- You weren't supposed to come.
|- Okay! This is Jason Stiles.
You still have those reservations? Should I No.
Gonna let it go.
- I'll pick you up at 8:00.
|- Okay.
- And wear something completely evil.
|- Horns, tail, and a Wolfowitz T-shirt? - Perfect.
|- Bye.
Bye.
Man, this place is crazy.
You know they flew in the top prostitutes|from Hong Kong to work that coat check.
God, I hope that's true.
Okay.
Is there a star? We need a star.
- Bingo!|- What? Ted Koppel's here.
- Where?|- Right there.
Oh, dear, so he really does look like that.
The name is Stiles, for two.
I love that Ted Koppel's here! Follow me.
Look how she seats us right away.
- You like that?|- I do like that.
If she seats us next to Ted we have to make sure|to become his best friends so he invites us to all those|famous newscaster parties.
That sounds fabulous.
- Miss?|- Yes? Oh, me? Sorry.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Your waiter will be here in a moment.
- Nice, huh?|- Yes, very nice.
Quiet.
You could hear a pin drop.
So, how are you feeling tonight?|Red, white or gin-soaked? - Red's good.
|- Red it is.
I'm sorry, is this where we're going to eat? - That's right.
|- Oh, okay.
- Did they run out of tables or something?|- I requested this room.
- You requested it?|- Yes.
- You asked for it on purpose?|- It's hard to get this room.
Everybody wants it, and now we've got it.
Yes, we do.
We have it.
Lucky us.
It's just that everything's|kind of going on out there.
So? Don't you wanna be out there,|with everybody else? - Why?|- Because it's fun.
All the people, the noise,|you can't even hear yourself think.
But that's the point|of coming to a place like this.
I thought the point would be|to enjoy the food and the atmosphere.
Yes, but all of the atmosphere is out there.
- You don't like the room.
|- No, it's It is weird, you know.
I mean, the two of us|sitting all alone in here I feel like we're quarantined.
|It's like the Ebola Room or something.
Okay, I don't know what to do.
Why don't we ask for a table out there? - The place is booked solid.
|- We can eat at the bar.
- I don't eat at the bar.
|- Why not? I don't like stools.
Your feet hang.
This is a fancy place.
|Someone will hold them.
- Maybe we should just go.
|- Oh, Jason.
No, you're uncomfortable.
|It's fine.
Let's go.
Ted would.
We could go someplace else.
|You must be starving.
You know, I'm not.
Had a lot of food today.
Right, you tailgated.
Okay.
So, home? Okay, yeah.
Home's fine.
- We could try this again some other time.
|- Absolutely.
- My God, I'm starving.
|- You just said you weren't.
- I lied.
|- Good, 'cause I'm starving, too.
- You should have said something.
|- Our date was dinner.
It was implied.
- Okay, next exit.
|- What? - Get off at the next exit.
Do it!|- Okay, doing it.
This place, hands-down best tacos|on the East Coast.
- You're gonna be very happy.
|- Good to know.
Welcome to Taco Barn.
|May I take your order? Two tacos, an order of taquitos,|a beef burrito with no onions and don't bother bagging it,|that'll just slow us down.
Go ahead.
Nothing for me.
- What?|- No, nothing.
Thanks.
- You said you were starving.
|- Yeah, I'm just not big on Mexican food.
Trust me, the stuff bears|no resemblance to Mexican food.
- It's okay.
I'm good.
|- Okay.
- I'm not gonna eat if you're not gonna eat.
|- What is this, junior high? No, I don't want to sit in a car|and eat by myself.
- Why?|- Because it's not fun.
- Does everything have to be fun for you?|- When I'm on a date, yeah.
- Please, just get the food.
|- No, let's go.
- No, the tacos.
You love the tacos.
|- I'm not hungry.
- You are, too, hungry.
|- Forget it.
Let's go.
Okay, I'm going.
Hello? - I told you to get the tacos.
|- Let's not do this again, okay? - I just need to eat something.
|- This is a supermarket.
- I'm gonna throw my purse at you.
|- You have to cook anything you buy here.
- Jason, come on.
|- "Come on" what? There are a million things here.
There's cheese, and fruit, and chips,|and a whole prepared-food section.
Grab this basket and look.
|Do you want to start with the salad? - Okay.
|- Okay.
- What did you just do?|- I need razors.
- No, this is an errand.
|- So? So? We're looking for food,|and you're running errands.
I'm a busy man.
|I don't have time to do these things.
- We're on a date!|- We're in a store! - Now I don't have to go tomorrow.
|- But a date isn't about convenience.
You're not supposed to be thinking|about the things you need.
- Shoot, I'm out of toothpaste.
|- Grab it.
- Where are you going?|- I need hand soap.
All right.
I'll grab paper towels|meet you in the prepared-food section.
- Fine.
Which way is detergent?|- That way.
You need peas?|'Cause there's two for one.
No, I'm good.
- I'm getting you a couple anyhow.
|- Where are you? Let's see, there's Jell-O|and tiny cocktail wieners.
- I'm one aisle over.
|- I know.
I'll be right there.
Boy, I gotta tell you, the advice about|not shopping hungry couldn't be truer.
- Good lord, that's a lot of food.
|- It's not all just food.
You won't eat fast food,|but Snowballs are okay? - I've never eaten them.
I was curious.
|- Pink-marshmallow-coconut balls.
You wouldn't be curious about them?|Who makes these? How did the decision|to dye the coconut pink occur? Why are they shaped like a chest? Is there any dessert on the planet - that could stimulate this much debate?|- I don't know.
What are you looking for? They usually have the mini size|of these chips.
Get the big one.
I grab them as I'm leaving the house.
|This won't fit in my purse.
They must have them.
Hold on a second.
- Where are you going?|- Just watch my Snowballs, please.
Not on the first date, mister.
Let's go.
- Where?|- Hurry.
Number four, red line.
Ten minutes.
That's all we need.
- What are we doing here?|- We're looking for your chips.
- Seriously?|- This is where they keep the goods.
How did you get the guy|to let us in the back room? Talking people into doing things|happens to be my specialty.
Look, a time clock.
Let's clock in.
|Do you wanna be Lucy or Jamal? - Either one.
What were the chips you like?|- Sour cream and onion.
Got them.
- It's just like heaven!|- Here.
Wanna do the honors? I feel so powerful.
You're holding a knife.
|Being armed does that to people.
Cap'n Crunch.
|I lived on Cap'n Crunch in college.
- Cut him.
|- Cut Cap'n Crunch? That seems a bit severe.
Trust me, he's got it coming.
Okay, I just hope Jamal|doesn't get busted for this.
- Mac and cheese?|- Yeah, please, it's delicious.
I must say, this is a pretty nice spread|we put together here.
A little ingenuity.
It's too bad they stop selling alcohol|after 9:30.
I mean, not that I need to be drunk|to have dinner with you.
- The fun flask!|- Excuse me? I swiped the fun flask.
- So, tell me something.
|- Yes? - Why'd you change your mind?|- No reason.
- You seemed to be pretty determined.
|- Yes, I did.
And you had some pretty good logic|backing you up.
I always do.
So, between the phone call|where you said "no" and eight hours ago, what happened? I went to the Harvard-Yale game|with Rory and my parents.
Yeah.
That's how I get all of my girls.
And there was this thing with my mother.
And it just Well, she was just I thought - So here we are.
|- So, here we are.
Listen.
Whatever it is your mother did today do you think she might do it again|tomorrow night? I think there's an excellent possibility.
I'm gonna go for the giant egg rolls.
|Do you want one? Yes, please.
|And don't forget the hot mustard.
- Hello?|- How was it? - It's still going on.
|- Really? How dirty! We're at the market,|drinking booze out of paper cups.
Really? How pathetic.
He made sure I got my potato chips.
Really? How confusing.
I'll explain later.
|How are the grandparents? - Not speaking.
|- Must have been one hell of a game.
- I read.
|- Sorry I bailed.
You owe me nothing but the gory details.
I might like him.
Just remember, you're sleeping with|every person he's ever slept with.
Thank you for that.
- Call me tomorrow.
|- You got it.
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