Grounded For Life (2001) s04e09 Episode Script

Eww, what are you doing? Umnothing.
Were you checking out your underarms? Maybe.
Oh, that's disgusting.
Hey, you're just jealous you're not the only one with hairy armpits.
Okay, one time I forgot to shave before we went to the beach.
One time.
Hey, have you seen Jimmy's new armpit hair? Unfortunately.
Now you're just like Lily.
I forgot to pack a razor! Leave me alone! Oh, pshew.
I know.
This house smells like a locker room.
I think it's Jimmy.
He's getting to be that age.
Where's Brad? We're gonna be late.
I haven't seen him.
Forget it.
I'm leaving without him.
Otherwise, I'll be following Jimmy's B.
O.
cloud to school.
I just came from Jimmy's room.
Have you noticed how much he-- Stinks? Yes.
And you know it's bad if I notice it.
Yep.
It's getting to be that time.
Yes.
Puberty, you nasty bitch.
You've reared your ugly head in our house once again.
Maybe that explains why he's been acting so strange lately.
Yeah.
He's been really withdrawn.
I mean, puberty does that.
It makes you stinky, moody, horny.
Yeah.
So when's yours gonna be over? I'm not moody.
Never.
Let's have a little talk with him.
Oh, baby, no, no, no, no, no.
This is about bodily smells and hair and testosterone.
This is no place for a woman.
This is Dad territory.
Oh.
All right.
Well, if he has any questions about cramps or cooking, just send him my way.
Brad! Get out! Claudia, I'm sorry! I-- Get out! I really am sorry.
Brad! Relax.
Leave! You happen to know where Lila is? Brad! Ohh! ** [theme.]
What are you doing? I'm making labels for all the videotapes.
Why? 'Cause he's done labeling all the canned goods, the furniture, and the man who sleeps in front of the post office.
Ha ha ha ha! Hi, Mrs.
Finnerty.
Hi, Brad.
I'll see ya.
What? Nothing.
I was just thinking about something I saw this morning.
Well, what was it? You--You probably wouldn't like it.
No, no, no.
Come on, tell me.
Uh It was a dead cat.
I laugh because I have difficulty expressing sadness.
Ha ha.
Weirdo.
Whoa.
Red Snake.
Can I have some? Do you know how much caffeine this has? Yeah.
All right.
Whoa! Whoa, Eddie! No, no, no, no, no.
We don't let Henry drink this stuff.
Dad! Why don't you give him 'Cause that would be ridiculous.
I'm right in shape, baby! Henry.
So what else you got in that bag for my kids, crank? No.
Well, what is it? Why do you care? Because you won't tell me.
It's not for you, so don't worry.
Well, who's it for? What is it? Okay, it's crank.
No, it's not.
Come on.
It's for Jimmy, okay? Leave it at that.
Deodorant? Kid don't smell good, Sean.
You think I don't know that? I'm gonna talk to him when he gets home.
Don't talk to him.
Oh, come on.
The only thing you've raised is weed.
I'm not gonna ask you for parenting advice.
Just slip him the deodorant.
Don't make a big deal out of it.
Yee-haah! Mind if I grab a snack? Go for it.
Hey, Mrs.
Finnerty.
Brad.
Uh, I'm gonna go into the kitchen to get--to get a snack.
I just wanted to let you know, so now you know where I'm gonna be, so I don't want to surprise anybody, if you know-- I'm in the kitchen now! He is being really weird.
Yeah, well, I think I know why.
This morning, I was getting ready for school, and he walked in on me.
He walked in on you? Naked.
What? You're kidding.
Nope.
So you were just parading around naked? Yes, yes.
I was marching through the house naked, doing cartwheels.
I was in the shower! Was this during the initial wet-down, or had you achieved lather? Ed! It was nothing.
It was a stupid mistake.
This is unbelievable.
That kid's seen my daughter, my wife.
I'd better fix that lock before I'm the third person he sees naked.
Unfortunately, you'd be number 4.
Oh, my God.
So that's why he's been all giggly and weird.
Yes.
Look, if you want him to stop giggling, you have to desensitize him to your body, so I suggest you spend as much time as possible walking around the house naked.
I can't believe this.
He didn't see a dead cat at all.
Honey, I'm sure he didn't want to say anything.
It was really awkward.
Uh, yeah, it's awkward because he's obsessed with you.
I thought he'd gotten over this, but obviously not.
Lily, it is not a big deal.
No, not for you.
You're just prancing through life naked.
I was taking a shower! Yep, naked! Uh, hey, Jimmy.
Hey.
How's it going? Good, good.
The kid is ripe.
I know, I know.
If only they had a product that could give him some relief.
Oh, look.
Oh, good.
Sean, you want to go give it to him? I'm not just gonna throw deodorant at him and hope that that's the best solution.
I mean, this is an important father-son time here.
I'm gonna--I'm gonna go have a real father-son talk with him.
Sean, nobody ever talked to us.
That was better than having to hear Dad use the word insertion.
I disagree.
Hey, Mom.
I got my football off the O'Keefes' roof.
What was it doing-- Hey, I'm gonna watch football.
Okay.
Hey, I'm gonna go make an omelet.
I don't know if that's a-- I saw surgery at the hospital.
Henry-- Watch my fingers dance.
Hey, the garbage man's coming.
Wait! I'm gonna eat that! What is wrong with him? I don't know.
But you know what might calm him down? I'm not walking around naked.
So how's your sandwich? Mm, it's good.
Yeah? Seen any good movies recently? Not really.
Hmm.
Any TV shows? No.
Any ass? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I know, Brad.
I know that you saw my mom naked! Lily, it was an accident.
Then how come you didn't tell me? I don't know.
I thought you'd be mad, obviously.
Why would I be mad if it was an accident? Because I thought-- Because you enjoyed it? I did not enjoy it.
Then why do you keep smiling, huh? Do I? Brad, I know that my mom's attractive, okay? It's--It's cool.
I-- I just want you to be honest with me.
Okay.
All right.
So yeah.
I liked it a little.
How could you say that? You told me to be honest.
I didn't think you really thought that.
Then why do I keep smiling? I thought you'd, like, you'd gotten over your whole pathetic junior high fixation, but no, you're still obsessed with her.
Lily, no, I am not, okay? I mean, if this would have happened a year ago, before you and me were together, would have this been the greatest moment of my life? Absolutely, but not anymore.
Oh, that really helps, Brad.
Lily, no.
You are incredibly hot, okay? If I'm obsessed with anyone, it's you.
Hey, guys.
Ha ho! Look who's here! [knock on door.]
Jim, you got a minute? Sure, Dad.
I was thinking I was just thinking that, uh, you know, you're growing up.
You're a teenager now, and I couldn't help but notice you've been going through a lot of changes.
Yeah, I guess, but it's cool.
Yeah, it sure is.
It's cool.
I just want to make sure you understand what's happening, because, I mean, you look different, and you sound different, you smell different.
I mean, everything's just different.
Okay, Dad.
Thanks.
No.
Just-- I've been there, man.
You know? I just want to let you know, I--I-- Whoo.
I'll never forget the first time I got a little bit of, uh, man hair, you know.
Okay, Dad.
Seriously, I got it.
No, I'm just saying I know what you're going through, you know? Hanging out in the locker room with the guys, and you're standing there, and you're feeling pretty mature, and, you know, you're checking people out, and they're checking you out, and some of the other guys, well, they're just a bit more, uh developed, you know? And you're wondering, "God, come on.
Am I ever gonna get in the game?" I got to go.
No, it's just-- Jim, it's just you're in puberty.
It's such a difficult time.
I want you to understand-- Dad, enough talking.
But we're not finished.
Jimmy, come on! Want me to go hit Dad up for some pamphlets? What are you doing? Trying to figure out Henry's system.
This is the tape of your Aunt Marie getting married on the beach.
Henry labeled it "Seagull Eating Diaper.
" Hmm.
So, Mom, um, Brad's on his way over.
Oh.
Okay.
You think you could put on some clothes? What, am I showing too much wrist? [door opens.]
Hey, Brad.
Ha ha! Welcome to the real Cancun.
Hi, Brad.
Mrs.
Finnerty.
Brad, what are you doing? Looking at you and only you.
Okay, Brad.
She's not naked.
It's okay.
All right.
Take your word for it.
Brad, you not looking at her just makes me think you're dying to look at her.
Okay, fine.
If it'll make you happy, I'll totally look at her.
Brad! She's not a piece of meat.
What do you want? You know what? I'm gonna go study in the kitchen.
W-What did I do? Everything but stuff a dollar down her pants.
Okay, okay.
You're still obviously upset, but I got something that will make you feel better.
What am I looking at? Eww! That is your dad naked! Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Uh, how did you get that? It's not important how.
What, is that your backyard? No, he's behind the skating rink.
Eww, did you take that picture? No.
He took it himself with a timer.
But what's important is we're both even, okay? We've both seen each other's parents naked.
We are not even.
My mom is hot, and your dad is nasty.
He is handsome, okay? He's-- It's just bad lighting.
Aah! [Sean.]
Jimmy, come on, please.
Jimmy.
Jimmy, please, look, I know it seems like a big deal, but trust me, tomorrow at school, everyone will have forgotten about this.
What? What happened? Are you okay? Yeah.
Fantastic.
Oh, it's--He's upset.
There was a-- There was a fight at school, and A fight? Jimmy got in a fight? No.
Well, it wasn't really like a fight.
It was more like a misunderstanding.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! That's enough! Break it up! Stop it! Boys, stop it now! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! It's old guys.
That's my dad and my uncle.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! [priest.]
Stop this now, boys! Stop it! [whistle blows.]
You have got to be kidding me.
Sometimes these things happen, all right? It's a guy thing.
I wouldn't expect you to understand.
Why don't you help me? Well, look, I-- Okay, I was bummed out about the way my talk went with Jimmy yesterday, so I figured I'd pick him up from school today and spend a little quality father-son time with him.
I just didn't think I'd have to compete for it.
Hey, Ed.
What's up? I'm just picking up Jimmy.
Uh, wait.
I'm here to pick up Jimmy.
I got this one.
Wait a minute.
I'm his dad.
I'm picking him up, okay? I got this one.
Hey, Dad, it's okay.
I'm his dad, and I'm picking him up.
I'm trying to help the kid with a little problem.
I help him out with his problems.
But I got this one.
Will you stop saying "I got this one"? You can help him out with the next problem.
I got this problem, okay? I'm his dad.
Just give me his book bag.
Take it.
I will take it.
If you want it so bad.
I can take the bag.
What's the matter? Why don't you just take it? Go ahead and take the bag.
I will take it.
Let go of it.
I can take it.
Oh, look, now you broke it.
That's great.
You wouldn't let go of it.
That's messed up.
You broke it.
You broke it.
I bought it.
You owe me 20 bucks.
Eddie's got to learn, baby.
Learn what? If he tries to help your children, you punch him? Oh, come on.
Like you've never been in a fight at that school before.
Yeah.
In 1986.
You do realize we don't still go there, right? Yeah, but we still pay three tuitions there, and if I want to fight there, baby, I'm gonna fight there! I'm not gonna fight there.
Dad, you shouldn't be so hard on Uncle Eddie.
He was just trying to help.
Look, I love it when he helps, but he's got no right to show up at your school like that.
Dad, I called him.
What? Why? I got in a little trouble.
Wait.
You called Uncle Eddie instead of me? Come on, you know I'd be there for you.
We can talk about anything, Jim.
No.
See, that's what I was hoping to avoid.
Remember our talk last night? About our bodies and the way they change? Yeah.
That one.
That's the one.
Well, I was in the locker room today.
and all I could think about was your stupid man hair lecture.
That was some fine crab walking, boys.
Hit the showers! Can you believe Mr.
Cursi today with his pop quiz? Oh, lame, man.
Tell you what wasn't lame: Courtney Sanders stretching from volleyball.
She is way into me.
Oh, yeah, like she's really gonna date an eighth grader.
[laughter.]
Finnerty! What are you, made of sugar? Hit the shower! Right.
Just-- Finnerty! It was humiliating.
Look, Jim, it's not uncommon during puberty for-- Stop.
What? I'm just saying-- Yeah, yeah, I know what you're saying.
Just stop, all right? This is why I call Uncle Eddie, you know? He doesn't want to talk about everything.
Once, he took me to get a haircut, dinner, and to a movie.
He didn't say a word the entire time.
It was great.
Look, you know, puberty's the kind of time when you-- Okay.
Dad, just please, don't ever say the word puberty to me again.
Okay? Well, it didn't sound like it went very well.
No, no.
It was great.
No, we reached an understanding.
Ill never talk to him again.
In return, he's fine with that.
You know what the worst thing is? The worst thing is Eddie was right.
I got to learn to keep my big mouth shut.
Come on, baby.
We both know that's not possible.
You know, I was talking and talking and talking.
What am I left with? The kid's still embarrassed and angry, and he still smells like the inside of a cab.
You're gonna go talk to him again, aren't you? Just one last time.
It's so weird, you know? I mean, here I am, a guy who's been to 16 national parks, all right? And once got picked by my class to ask a question to an astronaut-- in space, all right? And when it comes to women, I just don't understand them at all.
That is cold, H-bomb.
[Lily.]
Brad! Lily? Brad, I've been thinking, and I've come up with a little idea that'll make you forget about my mom forever.
Oh, really? Mm-hmm.
You want to come on in? I'll show you.
Oh, this is the best week ever.
Oh, is this gonna be dirty? Ha ha! Well, it might be a little graphic.
Yes.
[Sean.]
Oh, come on, push, baby, push! [grunting.]
W-W-What is this? Well, I'm just showing you another side of my mom.
There you go, Dad.
Camera down.
Tilt the camera down.
There you go.
[Claudia screaming.]
[Sean.]
Here comes the head! Aah! What is this? That's you, Henry.
Sweet! What's that coming out of me? No, no, no, no, no.
That's Mom.
You're the bloody, mucosy thing.
Awesome.
[gruff voice.]
I'm alive! I'm gonna go now.
No, no, no, no, no, Bradley.
You are going to sit here until that image is burned into your head.
[Sean.]
Okay, here comes the placenta! Aah! [knock on door.]
Yeah.
Jimmy.
Here's some deodorant.
You stink.
Oh, God.
Thank you, Dad.
You got it, buddy.
[baby coos.]
So are you enjoying the movie? Yeah.
Wait.
What is this? Henry sucking down his first meal.
Brad! What? Breast-feeding is a natural, beautiful thing.
Lily, have you seen-- What are you watching? Hmm.
Brad's favorite new movie.
She put it on.
You know what? I am sick and tired of my body being Topic Number 1 around here.
Brad, you saw me naked.
Get over it.
Lily, Brad saw me naked.
Get over it.
I'm taking this tape, and I'm putting it where no one will find it.
Wait, Mom.
I made a label for it.
Hmm.
Cute.
"Escape From Mom.
" Oh, Ed, just the man I wanted to see.
I was about to call you.
I wanted to come over to apologize.
You know, I butted in where I didn't belong.
They're your kids.
I was out of line.
No, no, no, no, no.
I was out of line.
I mean, come on.
You were trying to help out, and I shouldn't have got so bent out of shape, and I certainly shouldn't have kicked your ass, you know.
I could have been more forthcoming, and I think, uh, three nuns and 40 kids would agree that I kicked your ass.
Yeah, well they'd be wrong, you know? And, uh, I shouldn't have just been so territorial about Jimmy.
You're his uncle, and he really looks up to you.
Yeah, he does.
He looks up to me.
He's a good kid, and I was on top of you when they pulled us apart.
But that's--that's water under the bridge, you know what I'm saying? Let's just--We'll just watch the game.
Let's let your ribs heal, you know? I'm feeling fine.
Dad, I'm gonna go over to Ryan's house.
And, uh, thanks again, Uncle Eddie.
Anytime.
The Rangers are up already.
Yeah.
So what was that, uh, that whole "thank you" thing about? Ah, that was nothing.
You know.
Right, yeah.
Well, if it's nothing, then I guess it's no big deal to tell me.
It's no big deal.
So why don't you tell me? I don't want to betray the kid's trust.
Look, I probably know already.
There's nothing that that kid hides from me.
Not a lot, but that's all right.
Tell me.
Can't do that.
I'm sorry.
Tell me! Hey! Closed-Captioned By J.
R.
Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA