Harley Quinn (2019) s04e09 Episode Script

[POISON IVY] Lex started the apocalypse
with his phony "Save the Ozone" plan.
- Look, just breathe, okay? And if we learned
- [CAT MEOWS]
anything from our future
warlord traitor daughter,
it's that we are better
together. We can do this.
Yeah, easy.
Stop toxic masculinity
and bring back the sun.
[SIGHS AND EXHALES]
Did someone perfectly
stack our coffee table books
- by weight and theme?
- [CAT MEOWS]
- [YELPS]
- [GASPS]
- [LAUGHS]
- Okay, I was actually feeling good,
yet my stress hallucinations are back.
Uh Who is that?
Oh, you see her, too? Oh, yes.
Thank God, I'm not crazy.
But I am very scared.
Hi, Harley Quinn. Truly a pleasure.
- Uh [GRUNTS]
- Okay, got some crimes to stop, bye.
Hey! Where the fuck do
you think you're going?
I'm sorry. Did someone
just, like, clone you?
Listen, babe, just go ahead and
start on the fixing the world thing,
and let's regroup later.
[PARTYGOERS CHEER]
- [DOG BARKING]
- [BOTTLE CLANGS]
[DOUBLE] Wrong bin, asshole.
[MAN GRUNTS]
- [WHIMPERS AND YELPS]
- [BOTTLE CLANGS]
All right, poser, the game is over.
Ow! Calm down, girlie.
Okay. Which of my many powerful
enemies or psychotic admirers made you?
I'll explain.
God, Harley sheds like
a Golden Retriever.
[GORDON] Eh, time to eat
your vegetables, Gordo.
Come to pa Whoa.
My God, it's still cold and
there's a hair on it, yuck.
Oh, that's okay.
Just because one potato is
gone doesn't mean you're
all alone.
- [MICROWAVE BEEPS]
- What What the
[CHUCKLES] Okay.
Terra, you pranked me.
Come on out, Volcana. Teffe?
- You expect me to believe a sad man
- [BIRD SCREECHING]
accidentally made you in a
microwave slash cloning machine?
Yeah, I'm 5% potato and 95% you.
Oh, gosh, I should've sent you an email
before you saw me, so
you could process this.
Mmm. [GASPS]
- Melted butter. It all tracks.
- [DOG BARKS]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Ivy.
So you thickened the ozone
just to weaken Superman?
Can we schedule a lunch?
You're interrupting
my UV light treatment.
You see, for plants, the sun is food.
- It's called photosynthesis.
- Yeah, I know.
And now what? You're just
destroying life on Earth
to, like, punch him?
Even if I did what you're
accusing me of, which I didn't,
everyone who matters
can relocate to my moon.
For a fee.
[GRUNTING]
[GIGGLES]
Please don't make me laugh.
- My butthole is way too relaxed.
- Ah, motherfucker.
I was going to protect
you, but you overstepped.
I'm the boss, baby.
And don't misquote me on that.
I said, "Boss, comma, baby."
I will stop you.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
- I'm the most
powerful businessman in the universe.
I'm keeping the ozone thick,
and Superman, you,
- and whoever else needs the sun
- Everyone needs the sun.
weak forever.
Now, if you'll excuse
me, it's time for my
- chlorophyll infusion.
- [BEEPS]
Huh?
Chlorophyll is what absorbs life.
I understand photosynthesis,
you shitprick!
[MAN] Ooh! Whoo!
I didn't want Batgirl to
miss you while you were gone,
you know, so I stepped in.
And we have been so busy bringing
hella criminals to justice,
finding lost dogs and then finding them
homes with more responsible pet owners.
Look at you swinging that
big detective energy around.
Oh, and me and Batgirl
did a CPR training class.
Oh, Flash came, too.
[LAUGHING] Oh, he is hilarious.
- [ALL PANTING]
- [FLASH HUMMING]
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
- Hey, check this out.
Huh. Guess you had to be there.
I'm telling you, Flash
has jokes. I mean
[GROWLING]
- Hold on one teeny second.
- [BOTH GRUNTING]
[HANDCUFF CLICKS]
But, you know, we'll get back
on the same page about everything
once we spend more time together.
Think about all the good you can do now.
Double the justice,
double the fun. [LAUGHS]
- [GASPS] I'm gonna teach you everything I know.
- [CELL PHONE BEEPS]
First hero lesson. Saving Ivy's
adorable green apple bottoms.
So, hey, are we gonna, like, kidnap Lex
and force him to turn the sun back on?
Honey, I'm just I'm too weak.
He must have a switch that
just turns off the laser.
We just have to get inside.
Oh, you look so hot when you rappel.
Sorry. Remind me why she's here again.
Well, you sent the Natural
Disasters into hiding,
so we need the extra support.
Plus, we are on a roll.
Yeah, we are, girlfriend.
Good God, you guys have so
much energy. It's very annoying.
Oh, the boardroom.
We can access his office
through here. [GROANS]
Ugh, a wet bar? Lex is so tacky.
She's actually really starting to
sound like you. It's freaking me out.
Ooh, I can smash like Harley, too. Ha!
[BOTH GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]
The fuck are these made of?
Oh, shit.
[ALL SCREAMING]
- [POISON IVY GRUNTS]
- [DOUBLE YELPS]
[ALL SCREAMING]
[WHIRRING]
[ALL CONTINUES SCREAMING]
[HARLEY AND DOUBLE GRUNT]
[GRUNTS] I don't have my powers.
I can't defeat Lex.
This is This is humiliating.
Don't you have a seat on the
LexCorp board? Vote him out.
Use your business powers and go
all Logan on Lex's Kendall-ass.
Oh, my God, you're a
goddamn genius, peanut.
[MOANS]
I thought you didn't watch Succession
- because you hate satire.
- She hates satire.
- Harley!
- She thought I was you.
Okay, boo. Go win over
some board members.
Now, 70% of the budget is
going to his ozone machine.
After overhead, there's only
1% left for other projects,
and I know how important men's
reproductive rights are to you.
If you can't get a tan,
how will people even know
you honeymooned in Tulum?
Hey, did you know that Lex was
shtupping Ilene's granddaughter,
and that's what broke up her marriage?
- And now she's dating an uncircumcised boy?
- [GASPS]
It is time to remove Lex
as CEO of LexCorp.
Can I count
on your vote?
[GRUNTS] I still need one more vote.
She-EO to She-EO. What do I do?
Step your pussy up, Ivy.
Everything you need
is at your fingertips.
Regenerative cream from Lazarus Spa,
electrolytes and Clegg.
Clegg? That's a person?
[SIGHS] I thought it was
like a dumb brand name
to avoid legal issues.
Oh, Clegg's real.
That recluse makes his
annual public appearance
at the Gotham Celebrity Golf Pro-Am.
His vote would secure
a majority for you.
And be incredibly erotic for me.
Golf goes against
everything I stand for.
Privatizing green space
so old men with shrimp cocktail breath
can hit their tiny white
balls with long hammers.
But
Nora, get me the longest
hammer you can find.
First, an hour in the tanning bed.
- You are so not serving Polo Chic
- Ah.
with this whole sunken-eye look.
We busted a human trafficking ring
and still had time
to get our nails done?
Ah, pretty great afternoon, huh?
These little babies
always come in handy.
- You know, I was thinking.
- [CAT MEOWS]
You're naturally good at
this by-the-book hero stuff.
But maybe you can take the Bat
Fam reins for me for a while?
[GASPS] Anything I can do to help.
You should get on the
Nightwing murder thing.
Ugh, Batgirl's still so upset over it
and I'm just out of ideas.
Oh, right, I know who killed him.
Plus, she's probably getting
loads of press requests
after embarrassing Mayor
Joker on Psycho's pod
Wait, back up.
Why you just mentioning this now?
Who's the fucking murderer?
Oh, it's you, girlfriend. Boop!
No, no, no. I do not believe you.
You did it while you were sleepwalking.
I was there.
You made Nightwing put on
your friendship bracelet.
Then you killed him.
And before that, you partied
with the cold villains,
ate three slices of quiche,
and turned your underwear inside out
because you forgot to
bring a second pair.
All that could have been
in the police report.
There, there. I
understand this is a lot,
- so I will give you some time
- [GRUNTS]
Dry grass, sunless sky and
an overall feeling of bleh.
Will humanity survive?
That's a question for another day
as we kick off the 69th annual
Gotham Celebrity Golf Pro-Am,
sponsored by Cleggbucks.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[GRUNTS]
Clegg, Poison Ivy.
Don't believe we've met before.
- Mmm.
- Love the polo.
Looks so expensive in
that way that makes me go,
why? I mean, wow.
- Big C.
- [POISON IVY GRUNTS]
Try this old brassie.
The handcrafted shaft is made from ash,
and the head is a sexy little
Persimmon wood cushion.
Ooh, good eye.
We better watch our balls,
right, boys? [CHUCKLES]
Don't wanna hit 'em into the litter box.
You mean cat box? Easy mistake.
It's just nice to see a
lady taking to the green.
My wife hates golf.
She's hung up on the whole
"it's a waste of water" thing.
God love that idiot.
Maybe you can teach this silly
little lady a thing or two.
Mmm, back off.
I know all about your hapless coup.
And I know you need Clegg's vote to win.
And you're not going to get it.
Ivy, what's your handicap?
Gosh, social anxiety, I guess? Guilty.
Oh, you meant in golf?
Uh I don't know.
- I guess you're just gonna have to teach me.
- [LEX GRUNTS]
- [CHUCKLES]
- Clegg, my dude.
You mind if I join?
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[SIGHS] This is the last place
in the world I want to be.
But I am ready to make
good on my promise.
I'll do the pod.
A full three-hour livestream,
uncut, raw, no topic off-limit?
Yeah, but first, I need a favor.
No, no, no. I did that favor.
You're just paying what
you owe me for that trip
- into Bruce Wayne's mind, remember?
- I'll wear latex.
Okay. My little Psychos
might be into that.
I need you to use your annoyingly
specific brain diving powers
to help me recover a very important
and very intimate memory.
Ooh, yummy.
[ZAPS]
[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTS]
Camping? Aw, shit! You tricked me.
There better be a snow
orgy in here or I'm out.
Shut it!
[GOBBLES]
Nightwing, ha-ha. Beat you!
[IN SING-SONG VOICE] I rescued Batgirl.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Here, I made
you another friendship bracelet.
Put it on.
Oh, cut the crap, Harley.
You kidnapped Babs.
You may have fooled some
more gullible heroes,
but I always knew you were
plotting to take us down.
Oh, need help putting on
your friendship bracelet?
[SCOFFS] More like a
lies and deceit bracelet.
You're not a hero.
You're a vapid, carb-obsessed killer.
You'll always be a villain.
I'm a good guy.
- [GRUNTS] I am a good guy.
- [NIGHTWING STRUGGLING]
I'm a good guy.
- I'm a good guy.
- [NIGHTWING CHOKING]
I'm a good guy.
I'm a good guy.
- I'm a good guy.
- [GASPS]
[NIGHTWING GRUNTS]
Oh, look. It looks so cute on you.
[CACKLING]
I killed Nightwing.
[DR. PSYCHO] And you didn't know!
My God, that is some
hella repressed shit!
Get me out of here.
Oh, my God. Nightwing was right.
I'm a villain at my core.
Ooh, breaking the exclusive scoop
that hero Harley Quinn
killed Gotham's hottest heinie
is gonna beat my
Joker-getting-owned-by-Batgirl episode.
- [GRUNTS]
- [DR. PSYCHO ON SOUNDBOARD] DJ Psycho.
[HORN BLOWS ON SOUNDBOARD]
[CLEGG] Remember, chest
out, caress the club,
swizzle your hips and swing.
[BALL CLATTERS]
- [LAUGHS]
- [CROWD CHEERING]
I'm a kingmaker.
Looks like someone just won Clegg's vote
and that someone is sh Me.
Usurper! [GRUNTS]
Uh, I think you meant, "You super."
Heyo!
Hey, Lex. I think I smell
an "in your fuckin'
face" coming. [GRUNTS]
[CLEGG GRUNTS]
Ho, oh!
- [CROWD SCREAMING]
- [BANE GRUNTS]
[GAGS AND RETCHES]
Well, that's a real kick in the cooter.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES AND BEEPS]
[HARLEY OVER PHONE] Hey, Ive.
I figured out who killed Nightwing.
It was me. Case closed.
Whoa. Are you okay?
Hmm As an investigator,
it is nice to finally
nice to know whodunnit.
But as a good guy,
it's pretty fucking bad.
Ugh, yikes.
But also, crazy coinkidink.
I just accidentally
killed Clegg, the linchpin
- to my dramatic boardroom takeover plan.
- [CROWD CRYING]
Oh, we are such twin flames.
My shit's fucked, too.
Okay. Now I just gotta figure
out how to keep Psycho quiet.
Oh, I'm totally down to kill
Psycho, honey, 'cause I'm on a roll.
Ha! Jokes.
Wait. That gives me an idea.
- Keep you posted. Bye.
- [CELL PHONE BEEPS]
- [LINE RINGING]
- How long would it take you
- to get to Psycho's recording studio?
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
What up, pigtails?
I wanna prank my former
associate, Dr. Psycho.
Of course, I immediately thought of you,
you know, since you
are the lord of hijinks.
You know, you never respond to my GIFs.
So I was worried you
didn't think I was funny.
I need to work on my self-confidence.
Ugh, that's a very male take.
So, what are we doing?
Prank call? Rubber snake?
Generic brand plastic
wrap on the toilet seat?
Or what if you turned
back time five minutes?
Psycho hates doing ads, and
if we go back five minutes,
he'll have to do them all over again.
[LAUGHING]
I'm in.
[MACHINE BEEPS]
[FLASH GRUNTS]
Looks like someone just won Clegg's vote
and that someone is sh Me.
Usurper! [GRUNTS]
Uh, I think you meant, "You super."
Heyo!
Hey, Lex. I think I smell
an "in your fucking
face" coming. [GRUNTS]
[CLEGG GRUNTS]
- [WOMAN SCREAMING]
- Oh, f
Wow. Two holes in one.
[LEX CHUCKLES]
Oh, God. Who invited the virgin?
You selling candy for
your rec league, son?
[LAUGHING]
Ah, you're right! This is hilarious.
All right. Thank you. Time to go.
[LAUGHS] Why?
Can't we just hang and bask in
these righteous friendship LOLs
- [GRUNTS]
- Get outta here!
Right in the kid Flashes!
All right. Ready to see
that salacious memory?
Oh, yeah. You know, I just
remembered the thing I forgot.
And it was no biggie. Peace out.
So, do you believe me now?
Yeah. I guess I was so messed up.
I didn't know what I was doing.
But I really wanna make this right.
That's what doubles are for.
I'm here to help.
The fuck are you doing?
Making this right like you said.
Now the Bat Fam gets
the Harley they deserve
and you won't keep 86ing your coworkers.
Coworker. Singular.
[TAWNY] Shockwave to the leaderboard.
Poison Ivy kills Clegg.
We haven't seen a
disaster like this since
Blake Lively's British accent.
[BANE GROANS] Oh, woe!
We hardly knew ye.
- [SCREAMS] Oh.
- [CELL PHONE VIBRATES]
[BANE GROANS]
Ivy, can we get a comment?
Um Yeah. I mean, you see,
low visibility because Lex
blocked out the fucking sun.
- [BOTH GRUNTING]
- [POISON IVY] Oh, fuck.
Forgive me. I was repaying a debt.
Whoever said golf was boring Ha!
[LEX] Jealous.
I wish I thought to kill Clegg.
Now the board will be locked into a tie,
securing my position.
Suddenly, I understand what
it feels like to snatch a wig.
In you go, original sin.
Gah. Who the fuck are they?
Criminals like you.
It was ketamine therapy,
And you tried to get reimbursed
by insurance, which is fraud.
What did the nun do?
I torrented Keeping
Up with the Kardashians
because I didn't want
to add to their empire.
First, it's piracy.
Then a few clicks later, it's murder.
You know this better than anyone.
Okay, listen, I'd never punish anyone
for this jaywalking-level crap.
I started hero-ing because
I wanted to help people.
There is no redemption,
only justice. Kick!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
But I'm supposed to be the upgrade.
Put in a good word for me
with the dude upstairs, Sister.
And finally, there's a motion
on the docket to oust me.
Yeah, because CEOs should be leaders,
not petty, sun-blocking,
uh, dumb dum-dums.
All in favor of me maintaining
my position, say "aye".
- Aye.
- [MAN] Nay.
- Aye.
- [WOMAN] Nay.
- [MAN 1] Aye.
- [MAN 2] Nay.
- [MAN 3] Aye.
- [MAN 4] Aye.
- Nay.
- [LEX] 6-6.
[CHUCKLES] I remain CEO of LexCorp.
You can't take what's mine.
- I take what's yours.
- [GRUNTS]
Hmm, what is this? [SLURPS]
- B12. Delicious.
- [HEELS CLACKING]
What about Clegg's vote?
Hi, who are you?
Devora Macklewaithe,
Clegg's wife. Well, I was
until you impaled his
butthole with this golf club.
- [CLUB CLANGS]
- So, say "aye,"
as was his dying wish.
Ivy, I don't know you,
and I hate your shoes.
But your girlfriend avenged my
clavicle when no one else would.
Especially Clegg.
So, the least I can do is vote
with you on whatever this is.
Nay.
Nay? [CHUCKLING] Nay? It's a nay.
Whose balls are in
the cat box now, bitch?
Batgirl, I've been
looking everywhere for you.
I brought coffees.
Very detective-y, huh?
I'm never gonna find Nightwing's killer.
Ugh, you'll get the next one.
I fucked up a million times.
And you never gave up on me.
Even when I killed Professor
Pyg or doxed that mailman.
I mean, we all mess up.
The world is not black and white.
I mean, now it actually kind of is.
But, like, normally.
Okay, are you gonna say something,
or am I just standing out here
with my emotional dick out
for everyone to laugh at?
Back away from that
imposter, girlfriend.
I'm the real Harley.
- [GASPS] You sneaky little skank.
- [COFFEE SPILLS]
How did you get out?
[LAUGHING]
Damn it, I'm good.
What's happening? Is
Is this a Flash prank?
I don't always get his humor,
but it's easier just to laugh.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
- Stop that!
- [BOTH GRUNTING]
Oh, yeah. [GRUNTS]
You wanna dance, baby?
Let's fucking dance.
[GRUNTS]
[YELPS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Batgirl, help. Ugh!
This ghoul's trying
to take over my life.
Well, you aren't doing anything with it.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
I'm the better Bat Harley.
[STRUGGLING]
Wait. Which one of you is Harley?
- [BOTH] Me!
- Oh, my God, we sound nothing alike.
Her voice is so grating. I hate it!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
[GRUNTS]
The world isn't black and white.
Of course, it is. [GRUNTING]
- [GRUNTS]
- [YELPS]
Mwah.
I knew I was a good kisser.
- Wait!
- [DOUBLE SCREAMS]
[SPLATTERS]
[MAN] Hey, they're giving
away free mashed taters.
Kids, get your spoons.
Harley, why'd you do that?
- She killed Nightwing.
- [GASPS] That fricking B!
All right. We are
deactivating the EarthSaver.
So Are you gonna push it?
Yeah. I was just waiting
for Is, uh Where's Lex?
I gotta go. I start to get hives
being around this many notties.
Okay, fine, now. It's
fine, it's fine, I'll
Boom!
[CHUCKLES]
My walnuts are back to being royal blue.
[GLASSES CLINKS]
Whoo! One step closer to dismantling
the patriarchy, am I right?
Who wants margaritas?
This doesn't feel like a victory.
[BATGIRL] I can't believe I
was working with an impostor.
Although it does explain
how amped you were
to persecute trademark infringements.
And I've increased my body count.
She was a murderer and a potato.
So this doesn't technically
count as killing?
Yeah, it was basically cooking.
But listen, I don't wanna keep
getting off on technicalities.
I came to tell you I'm
quitting the Bat Family.
What? Harley, why?
I'm tired of fighting who I am.
Your Double was totally by the book,
but I choose you.
And I'd always choose you.
You just need to work
on your hero instincts.
Trying to live up to your rules
fucked up my relationship with Ivy
and messed with my brain.
Even when I thought I was doing
great, I still killed someone.
Who tried to take over your life.
Yes. Okay. My Double was intensely
annoying and uptight and bossy as shit.
But neither he nor that
great ass deserved to die.
- You mean she?
- Yep. Anyway, I'm sorry.
But I'm finally ready
to admit I can't do this.
But you can't quit the Bat Family.
But I am.
The more I force it, the more bad stuff
- keeps happening and I
- [GUNSHOT]
- [BOTH GASP]
- [BATGIRL GRUNTS]
- [EXHALES]
- No, no, no.
- No, no, no.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
[JOKER LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
[GROWLS]
[SCREAMING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]