Hot In Cleveland s04e09 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
- To you.
- And you.
I'd give you a standing "o," but we already did that in the shower.
Emmett, I know you're in there.
- Oh, no.
- Who is it? Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
She has bat-like hearing.
I heard that.
Emmett, we need to talk.
Excuse me, but who are you to barge into my trailer? I'm his wife.
Who the hell are you? But you can't be his wife.
Five years ago, you two were on the cover of People magazine with a big tear down the middle.
It doesn't get more divorce than that.
We are divorced, in every sense of the word.
Except legally.
What? We never got around to signing the papers.
Nikki, if you're here, you must want something.
I do.
You know how I've been trying to get on a reality show? Well, I got a call from the producers of True Housewives of Tampa/St.
Pete.
Ooh.
Oh, I love T.
H.
O.
T.
S.
P.
I mean, what does that mindless trash have to do with us? They want me on the show as Emmett's ex-wife.
But technically, you're not his ex-wife.
Is she always this literal? That must get old.
Anyway, they'll only cast me if you agree to do two appearances and an angry phone call that interrupts me helping Stacy through her breast implant explosion.
Absolutely not.
You know I'll wear you down.
That may have worked when we were married, but not any longer.
Technically, you are still married.
Oh, jeez.
This one, like a broken record.
It's just such a shock.
I told Emmett it didn't bother me, but I'm dying inside.
- You should have said that.
- Then I'd have to say why.
I'm upset because I thought there was a future for us, and I thought that he felt the same.
Then how could he feel the same if he's known all along that he was married? Then talk to him.
People say that communication is the key to any relationship.
People don't say that.
Women say that.
Lonely women whose boyfriends have left them because they always want to talk about the relationship.
Oh, and besides, it's too soon to have that conversation.
We've only known each other a few months.
Did he say why he hasn't signed the divorce papers? He said it slipped his mind.
Please.
Who forgets to sign their divorce papers? You and Joy.
Aren't you two still fake-gay-Canadian married? Oh, God, she's right.
Wait.
Maybe this is good.
This way I can bring up the subject as something we have in common: The need to rid ourselves of the hideous women we married.
No offense, Joy.
I don't have time to take offense.
I have a biology final to get to, and I've got just enough time for one last tutoring session - with Dr.
Lloyd.
- Who's that? Oh, he's this young resident I've been paying to help me study.
I didn't tell you because I wanted you to think I was smart all on my own.
Oh, Joy.
We would never think that.
Oh, it's the Zappos delivery guy.
You mean the mailman? I don't know what the technical term is.
Just leave it on the porch.
Victoria, one of the reasons we moved to Cleveland was to get to know people.
It's okay to interact.
I'm an actor, Melanie, not an "interactor.
" Hi.
Oh, thank you so much.
How are you doing today? If you must know, I've never been sadder in my life.
Oh, dear.
Why? My wife of 30 years left me today.
My heart is breaking.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Well, is there anything we can do? "We"? - Maybe a glass of water.
- Of course, come on in.
Just have a seat.
I'll get your water.
- A little ice maybe.
- Of course.
And if you have some lemon peel, curlicue like the tail of the pig? Oh, I-I don't know how to do that.
How about a wedge? The curlicue is better.
Starting to understand why his wife left him.
You've got to get him out of here.
Elka, his wife just left him.
Helping him out is the nice thing to do, the Cleveland thing to do.
Well, even in Cleveland, there's a line.
It's not like Dayton where anything goes.
I'll give him his glass of water, and then he'll leave.
You're too much of a mush.
I'll handle it.
What's going on? He's staying for the weekend.
What happened to the line? Welcome to Dayton.
Lloyd, I think I aced my test.
One question: The nucleotide in RNA but not DNA-- it's uracil, right? - It is so uracil.
You are the best tutor ever! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Bathroom's free.
Whose robe is that? You know, sometimes you order a robe from Eddie Bauer, and it doesn't come? Yeah.
It always comes.
- Listen, Ye'arj.
- It's Ye'arj.
- Ye'arj.
- Ye'arj.
- Ye'arj.
- Ye'arj.
Ye'arj.
You're not listening, Melney.
- Melanie.
- That's what I said.
So just like you, I too am still legally married, albeit in Canada.
And as soon as the divorce papers get here from-- I want to say up north, I am gonna be signing them right away.
Good for you, Victoria.
Oh, it's sure gonna feel good to sign those papers.
Bet it will.
Victoria, I'm not in love with this scene we're shooting today.
I mean, do people in real life just burst into a room and announce their plans? Emmett, I'm gonna blackmail you.
What are you talking about, Nikki? You know that famous lovemaking scene with Emmett and Susan Sarandon? Oh, of course.
So raw, so brave.
So fake.
He used a body double.
And if you don't agree to be on my show, I will tell everyone that the famously truthful sir Emmett Lawson is a fraud.
You know I had no choice.
I had to gain 50 pounds for a previous role, and my backside was still a little doughy.
And now I have my proof.
I recorded this conversation.
Damn it.
My phone is dead.
Stupid boyfriend.
Brad! Hey, what's up? Were you playing Angry Birds again? No,Fruit Ninja.
Brad used to be our live-in tennis instructor.
I also cleaned the pools and walked the dog.
I'm kind of a Renaissance man.
How about the Catena Malbec? - Mmm, sounds lovely.
- Great.
You'll have to order it.
Sorry? I can't legally since I'm under 21.
How under 21 are you? - 17.
- 17? Oh, wrong, wrong.
Sorry, not 17.
I turned 18, like, a week ago.
I keep forgetting.
You're only 18? I graduated high school at 11, med school at 16.
So you're some sort of Doogie Howser? Who? You know, the TV show from the early '90s.
Before you were born.
Joy, age doesn't matter to me.
What matters is that we have a real connection.
So smooth and unlined.
How did I miss that? I finally went through my growth spurt last summer.
Before that, I was all baby fat, no body hair.
Oh, God.
Joy, I think we have something really special.
And I'm not just saying that because you were my first.
First? First what? Please say "English woman.
" Nope.
Lloyd, this was a huge mistake.
My huge mistake.
I had no idea you were so young.
But now that I do, this can never happen again.
After all, I'm almost twice your age.
It's just wrong.
You're a genius.
I'm sure you understand.
I love you.
I love you so much.
Even though he's clearly annoyed by her and kicked her and her deadbeat boyfriend out of my trailer, he still wouldn't take the hint and sign his divorce papers.
And obviously, it's too soon in relationship to have to the conversation.
Thank you.
Maybe deadbeat boyfriend feels the same as you.
- Try getting him on your side.
- Of course.
If he wants a future with her, maybe we can form an alliance.
- That is a really good idea.
- Thank you.
Who are you? So, Brad, obviously it would benefit us both if we could get them to sign their divorce papers.
Whoa.
Hold up.
I don't want them to get divorced.
Thanks to Emmett's money, I'm living in a castle and driving a sweet-ass Jag.
She signs the papers, I gotta say adios to all that.
But don't you want to be with Nikki? Dude, I am with Nikki.
Plus, if I convince her to get divorced, then the marriage conversation is in the air.
And who wants that conversation? Not Brad.
So anyway, now Lloyd is obsessed with me.
Oh, why do I have to be such a great lover? - He's 18.
- So? You saw American Pie.
You're just pie.
Well, I'm down to two options with Emmett.
Either I have the conversation I don't want to have, or I figure out some way to bribe Nikki to get her out of the picture for good.
So Brad was no help? No, he's afraid if they're officially divorced, then he'll have to marry Nikki.
That's it.
I've been playing this thing with Lloyd all wrong.
Nothing sends a man running faster than demanding a commitment.
Lloyd is the teenager whose virginity Joy took.
He's also a brilliant doctor.
If you think that's going to take the creep off it, Joy, you're sadly mistaken.
Lloyd, you're 18.
You've got wild oats to sow.
Whereas my oats are sown, my fields are fallow.
Look, I'm at a stage in life where I want to settle down.
And let's be honest, you're not.
Marry me, Joy.
What? Who cares if your fields are fallow? We can always adopt.
I can't marry you, Lloyd, because I'm already married.
To Victoria Chase, the actress.
The one who played Amanda Bynes's mom in Switcheroo Summer? Maybe.
Sure.
I don't know.
We can fix this.
You can get a quick divorce.
My little brother's an attorney.
Then we can get married-- Shouldn't you get that? It could be an emergency.
You know how sometimes you page your doctor, - and he's not available? - Yeah.
He's always available.
So if I sign the divorce papers, you'll help me convince Emmett to appear on my reality show? - Exactly.
- Done.
Oh, fantastic.
So how soon can your lawyers send them? No, no.
I'm mean, done-done.
I signed them years ago.
It's Emmett that hasn't signed them.
What? So it's Emmett who doesn't want the divorce? Look, Sir God's gift to women has a pattern.
He becomes infatuated with a woman, makes passionate, actor-y love to her.
And the moment she starts hinting around for a commitment, he drops the bomb that he's still married.
I'm his get-out-of-love free card.
Hmm.
I don't believe you.
If I weren't his safety net, why on earth would he keep me around? Oh, God.
You're right.
On the upside, when he dumps someone, there's always a Cartier box with a gorgeous diamond watch or an anklet inside.
What, so I give him my heart, and he gives me an anklet? Look, maybe I'm wrong this time.
I mean, he does seem to genuinely care for you more than any of the others.
- Really? - Yeah.
You'll probably rate at least a necklace.
Anyway, you'll still talk Emmett into coming on my show, right? 'Cause if you don't, I will cut you like bad bangs, bitch.
Aren't I perfect for True Housewives? His grandmother's favorite movie was Say Anything I'm depressed enough.
Do we have to listen to that song over and over? Joy, go talk to your 12-year-old boyfriend.
He's not 12.
He was six years ago.
Fine, I'll go talk to him.
Oh, I wish I could talk to Emmett.
Victoria, you have to.
You have to have the conversation.
She's right.
It's the not knowing that's killing you.
Well said, little mother.
I would give anything to talk to my wife again.
Oh, I forgot.
Anyone taping The Voice? I know you think that what you're feeling now you'll feel forever, but believe me, you won't.
You think it's destiny, but it's just biology.
And once the sex endorphins wear off, you'll come to your senses.
Do you understand me, Lloyd? I love you.
I love you so much.
Look, Emmett, the last thing I wanted was to have this conversation, but the truth is, I don't want you to be married because I don't want that position to be filled.
Now that I'm looking for anything right now.
It's just I want that to at least be a possibility.
Well, I'd be a bit of an idiot if I hadn't seen this conversation coming.
Victoria, I have something for you.
Jewelry.
Darling, you look so sad.
Yeah, because I am sad.
I'm devastated.
You said you loved me.
When did I say that? In Venice when I hiding in-- never mind.
When you were hiding in the room service cart in my hotel room.
- You knew? - I smelled your perfume.
I didn't say anything because I didn't want to embarrass you.
I know you, Victoria.
Yeah, well, then you should know that I don't want this.
Just open it.
The last page of my divorce papers, signed.
Oh, Emmett.
Oh, what made you change your mind? Having Nikki around reminded me how different things are with you.
And I realized that on some level, I'm using this technicality to get out of things with women I didn't really care about.
But you, Victoria, you have changed everything.
And Nikki? Oh, I have agreed to call at the precise moment that Stacy's implant explodes.
Whoa.
Oh, that's gonna be a good one.
I mean, you know, for the people who watch those shows.
Oh, Emmett, thank you.
Nothing in the world is more valuable than this gift.
There's something else in there.
So many diamonds.
Oh, Emmett.
Like I said, Victoria, I know you.
Yat.
Yee.
Yan.
I win again! You are terrible at poker.
We're playing poker? I thought he was doing a magic trick.
Oh, it's my wife.
She's come to pick me up.
Your wife? She came back? Yes, she's back.
Hey, Fado.
Everybody, this is my wife Fado.
Oh, please come in, Fado.
- Fado.
- Fado.
- Fado.
- Fado.
It's okay.
A lot of Americans have trouble.
We're so happy you came back to him.
Of course I came back.
I was just away for a girls' weekend with my daughter.
You told us your wife left you.
She did.
I was so lonely.
I know what it's like to be lonely.
Take me back, Joy.
Oh, Lloyd.
Joy, allow me.
There is a famous story in my country about a young, handsome prince that falls in love with an old crone.
I beg your pardon.
Yeesha, be quiet.
Sorry, Yeesha is the name of the old crone.
So the old crone cast a spell that is only broken when the prince meets an age-appropriate princess.
Make the longer story short, this is the picture of my daughter, Madison.
She's very beautiful.
- Ye'arj, he's a stranger.
- He's a doctor.
Come to dinner at our house.
We'll introduce you.
Good call.
He's practically a virgin.
He's only been with Yeesha.
Joy.
Goodbye, Lloyd, and good luck.
Well, thank you for your hospitality.
Oh, here.
Take this wine.
Oh, but it's addressed to the Thompsons.
Oh, you know how sometimes you forget to tip the mailman, and you think it doesn't matter? Yeah.
It always matters.