I Love Lucy (1951) s04e09 Episode Script
Ethel's Birthday
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) (both screaming) Ahh! Ethel, what's the matter with you? Are you crazy or something? Oh, I'm sorry.
Come sneaking in on somebody like that.
Well, I wanted to be sure Fred wasn't here before I came in.
Well, for heaven's sake, why? I want you to help me with something.
What? Well I don't know whether I mentioned it or not, BOTH: But I've got a birthday coming up this week.
Oh, did I mention it? Only about 18 times in the last three days.
Oh.
Well, Fred doesn't seem to have gotten my message.
Where has he been, underwater? Will you help me? Well, okay.
I just hope he gives you something nicer than he gave you last year.
Wasn't that awful? You know, I never did figure out what that was supposed to be.
Neither did I.
It was too long to be a stole and too short to be a volleyball net.
You know, on second thought, Ethel, maybe we'd better keep Fred from finding out it's your birthday.
No, I'd rather have a terrible present than no present at all.
You're right, it's not the gift that counts, it's the lack of thought behind it.
I'm glad you're gonna help me.
Hey, why don't you and Fred come over for dinner tonight.
We'll both work on him.
and I'll be real subtle, see? Oh, that ought to do it.
Thanks.
Okay.
I'll see you later.
All right.
Good.
You want some more cake, Fred? No, thanks.
Um, speaking of cake, did you all see the huge birthday cake that was in the window of the Speedy Cleaners? It was the Speedy Cleaners' 40th birthday.
LUCY: Mm-hmm.
Oh and I didn't send them anything.
Goldblatt's Delicatessen had a birthday last week.
It was their 50th.
It just seems like everybody in the neighborhood is having a birthday.
Let's see, who else do we know that has a birthday about this time? Can I have another cup of coffee, Lucy? Yeah.
You know, I have the strangest feeling that someone we all know and love has a birthday coming up very soon.
Someone's going to get clobbered if he doesn't remember.
Excuse me, please.
Want some sugar, Fred? No, thanks.
Cream? No, thanks.
Happy birthday, sweetheart! (laughing) You thought I'd forgotten, eh? My birthday is months from now.
Oh? She was talking about Ethel's birthday.
Oh, Fred, you knew it all the time.
Sure.
Why did you let us keep on talking? Yeah.
What's the matter with you.
, Fred? I just wanted to see how far you two clowns would go.
I'll put this away.
Just a minute.
How come you have this box of candy all ready to give to me? Well, uh And with a card that says "Happy Birthday"? Ricky? Well, uh if you must know this is my emergency present.
(laughing) Emergency present, huh? "Happy Anniversary.
" "Happy Mother's Day.
" "Happy Valentine's Day.
" "Merry Christmas.
" Oh, and here's a pip.
"I'm sorry, dear.
Can't we please be friends again?" (laughing) Well, I'll I'll put it away.
Why? I certainly won't be surprised next time.
You might be.
These chocolates are three years old.
That's great, Rick.
I'll have to remember that gag.
Honestly, these men.
What, uh, birthday is it, Ethel? Ethel, what birthday is it? Oh, it's mine.
I meant, how old are you gonna be? She know what you meant.
Ricky Ricardo, I'm surprised at you.
It's not nice to ask a woman's age.
Thanks, Lucy.
Besides, it's none of your business if Ethel is 53.
I am not! I'm only Oh, no, you don't.
Ha, ha! Darn it, it almost worked.
Ah, you think you're so smart.
I'll never tell you my age.
I'll tell you.
Fred Mertz, don't you dare.
Go ahead, tell us.
Fred! Nah, honeybunch, I'm not going to tell them your exact age.
Let's just say it's somewhere between the Speedy Cleaners and Goldblatt's Delicatessen.
(guffawing) Well, so long as you know I got a birthday coming up, where had you planned to take me to celebrate? Well, I loved what we did last year, honeybunch.
What was that, Fred? Well, we just had a cozy little dinner at home, just the two of us.
That's sounds very romantic.
Oh, it was.
I bought the groceries, I cooked the dinner, and by the time I finished washing the dishes, he was in front of the television set asleep.
(guffawing) Happy birthday to me.
I tell you what let's do this year.
Let's all go someplace for a fancy dinner and then go to the theater and see a play.
Oh, that'd be wonderful.
Would you like that? I'd love it.
I don't think that's a very good idea.
Fred, it'll be our present to Ethel.
It's on us.
Yeah.
Hey, that is a pretty good idea.
Oh, what a sport I married.
Okay, then that's all settled.
Come on, let's play cards.
That was quite a game.
Yeah.
Thanks for a wonderful dinner, Lucy.
You're welcome.
And, Ricky, thanks in advance for dinner and the theater on my birthday.
That's a wonderful present.
Well you're welcome.
Hey, Fred, you know a present you can give me sometime? What? You can fix that leaky faucet in the kitchen.
Oh, how long has that been leaking now? Four months now.
Ah, don't worry.
I'll get around to it in due time.
Oh, swell.
ETHEL: Come on.
Good night, Rick.
Good night, honey.
Good night, Rick.
Good night, honey.
Good night, Fred.
Good night.
Oh, honey, I'm real tired.
I think I'll go to bed, huh? Okay.
I'll be right in.
(sighing) (knock at door) Fred.
Now, where's that little old leaky faucet? At this hour? Well, it was on my mind.
This is just an excuse to get away from Ethel.
Oh, oh, oh.
Will you do me a favor? Sure, Fred.
I want you to buy Ethel's present for me.
Oh, sure, I can, but why don't you want to do it? Well, she doesn't seem to like the presents I buy.
What makes you say that? Well, I've been buying her presents for 26 years now, and after I give them to her, I never see them again.
Well Now, you buy her something real nice, will you? With this? Well, all right.
Okay, did she give you any hints about what she wanted? Well, she did say this morning she needed a new toaster.
Oh, Fred.
Women don't like practical gifts like toasters.
They like something that's feminine and fun.
You know, a gifty gift.
Well, I'll leave the whole thing to you.
Oh, all right.
I'll go shopping tomorrow.
I'll get her something real pretty, huh? Thank you, honey.
Good night.
Good night.
Forgot my wrench.
Hey, uh, as long as you're here, how about fixing the faucet? At this hour? Are you crazy? Psst, Fred, Fred.
Hi.
Shh.
Oh.
(whispers): There.
Well, hi, Fred.
Hi, Lucy.
Hey, Ricky got tickets for Over The Teacups.
I don't believe it.
He did; go on up and see him.
Here I go.
Ethel? Yeah.
Hi! I thought I heard your voice out here.
Guess what play Ricky got tickets for.
What? Over The Teacups.
Over The Teacups! Oh, that's the biggest hit in town.
How did he do that? Well, he said he had to pull a lot of strings, but nothing was too much trouble for your birthday.
Oh, he's a dear.
He's a real Cuban doll.
This is gonna be the best birthday of my whole life.
Dinner and a hit play.
Oh What's the matter now? I haven't got a thing to wear.
Oh, come now, Ethel.
Surely you must have something.
Well, I got a dress that would do, but my coat's so tacky.
What coat do you usually wear? Yours, but you're going.
What about that gold lame jacket of yours? You mean that green lame jacket of mine? Tarnished? It's tarnished.
Maybe you can get it dry-cleaned.
Or I could polish it.
Ha, ha! You wouldn't believe what that old coat looks like.
I'll show you.
You know how many years I've had it anyway.
Hey.
What's this? What's what? This.
Oh, it must be Fred's present to me.
How do you know? He always hides them in the closet.
Must be something to wear.
Uh, well, Ethel, uh aren't you going to peek inside and see what it is? No, I want to postpone the bad news as long as possible.
Well, uh, Ethel, may-maybe Fred got you something nice this time.
Let's look.
Well all right.
Maybe if I get the initial shock over with, I can act pleased when I open it in front of Fred.
Yeah.
Well, he's done it again.
What do you mean? Oh, these make his other presents look great.
Well, Ethel, I-I think they're kind of cute.
What are they? Well, they're hostess pants.
You wear them when you give smart dinner parties.
Oh, I was wondering what to wear at all those smart dinner parties I give.
Well, I-I saw them last month in Harper's Bazaar.
Well, they're certainly bizarre.
Well, now, wait a minute, Ethel.
Look.
You get yourself a little black, off-the-shoulder blouse and a big crushy belt and little ballet slippers and you're all set.
What for? Halloween? Well, I like them.
I think this time Fred made a very good choice.
Oh, don't try to defend him, Lucy.
Let's face it, all of his taste is in his mouth.
Ethel, I think you're being very ungrateful! Fred pro-probably put a lot of time and thought into picking these out.
He did not.
I know where they came from.
What I can't figure out is how they got them to fit in a box of Crackerjack.
(chuckling) (laughing out loud) You know, these are so ridiculous, they're funny.
(guffawing) Oh, brother.
I'd like to meet the idiot that talked him into these.
(guffawing) How do you do.
How do you do.
What do you mean? For your information, I am the idiot who talked him into those.
Oh, Lucy! Oh, Lucy, I don't believe it.
I should have known more than to get you something chic.
Chic? I got no use for those.
I wanted a toaster.
Well, Fred told me that, but I couldn't believe you could be that dull.
Listen, I'd look better wearing a toaster than I wear those checkerboard britches.
I should have known better than to get you anything at the young, modern department.
Well, you're so young and modern, you wear them.
Well, I would, but first, I'd have to take them in six inches in the seat! Oh! Well, honeybunch, you're going to the theater for your birthday.
Yes, sir, it was tough, but we got the tickets.
Well, you little Dickens, you've opened your present.
What did I give you? I mean, how do you like what I gave you? Oh, it's not use, Fred.
I know Lucy picked them out.
You should have stuck with your own taste.
You see, I told you we should have bought the toaster.
Is this what you bought for Ethel? You keep out of this! Well, this is a switch.
You open your present, find out you don't like it, and now you can exchange it before I even give it to you.
Yeah, this way, everything works out perfectly.
Yeah, but I'll bet you won't want to exchange these.
No, I won't because we're not going to accept them.
What? I refuse to go to the theater with anyone who thinks I'm a hippopotamus.
Did you call her that? No.
Ha! All I did was intimate that she was a little hippy.
But on second glance, she has got the biggest potamus I've ever seen.
Fred, give him back those tickets.
Are you crazy? They cost $6.
60 apiece.
I don't care if they cost $660.
We're not going.
Well, I am.
Well, take somebody else.
Hey, there's an idea.
Oh, no you don't.
There.
We offered you theater tickets and you're going to take them.
We're not going.
What?! I have no intentions of going to the theater with someone who thinks my taste is all in my mouth.
Pardon me.
Happy birthday, and I hope you live another 75 years.
Oh! Hi, Rick.
Hi, Fred.
There-- Ethel won't use these tickets.
Oh, that's too bad.
Did you ever see anybody as stubborn as that old mule of mine? Well, Lucy does pretty good.
She wasn't gonna go if Ethel was going.
Well, I'll let you know how the play turns out.
You won't have to.
Ethel's got this thing stuck in her craw.
She's got to go to this play on her birthday and I've got to buy some other tickets.
You can't buy any other tickets, Fred.
It's a sellout.
Hey, wait a minute.
I'll tell you what we'll do.
What? Here.
You pay me for these and you tell Ethel that you bought two tickets.
What about Lucy? I'll tell Lucy that you gave me your tickets back and I sold them.
That way, they'll both agree to go.
Mm-hmm, well, what are you gonna do about our two mules sitting next to each other? Put blinkers on them? You know how they are.
By tomorrow night, they'll be the best of friends.
They can't stay mad at each other.
You're right.
Sure.
I'll go and tell, uh, Francis I bought the tickets.
(guffawing) Okay, Fred.
See you later.
I guess it's right here.
Loge seats! Yeah.
Second and third in.
Pardon me.
Sorry.
Thanks.
Say, these seats aren't bad, considering how tough they were to get.
Wasn't that a break they had a cancellation just as you got to the box office? Yep, yep.
You didn't see Lucy at all today, huh? I saw her; I didn't speak to her.
Uh-huh.
I thought probably you'd made up.
You two are pretty good friends, you know? Eh.
Let me look around, huh? Oh, isn't this thrilling? People who come to the theater always look so intellectual and well-groomed.
Present company excepted.
I wonder who those two people are.
Oh, I hope they don't come in late and crawl all over us.
If there's anything I can't stand, it's people who come in late and crawl all over you.
Quiet.
Curtain's going up.
(doorbell ringing onstage) Pardon, please.
ACTOR: Good afternoon, Cynthia.
Lucy! ACTRESS: Good afternoon, sir.
What are you doing here? What are you doing here? Shh! Go in, go in, honey.
I thought you said you took those two tickets back.
I thought you got our tickets at the box office.
Shh! I thought you'd be friends by now.
Well, we're not.
Go in, honey.
No, I'm not going in.
MAN: Go on, lady.
I can't hold this all night.
Shut up.
Shh! Well, I'm going in.
I don't care.
MAN: Just sit down.
Sit down.
ACTRESS: Well, John, to what do I owe this visit? ACTOR: Oh, nothing.
ACTRESS: An important man like you (whispering): Let me see, Fred.
ACTRESS: One lump or two? ACTOR: Three.
WOMAN (chcukling): You're not fighting weight like most of us, I fear.
The cookies are delicious.
Ricky? Would you like I would.
(grumbling) Fred, can I look through your binoculars? (shouting): I don't care! (audience shushing) Why do you have to be so selfish? Just let me (binoculars breaking) ACTRESS: I never see you anymore.
ACTOR: I've been awfully busy.
ACTRESS: Nonsense.
Your problem is that you have too many friends.
ACTOR: Nobody ever has too many friends.
Friendship is a terribly important thing, Cynthia.
As a matter of fact, friends are about the most important thing in the world.
Ha! ACTOR: friendship, Cynthia.
Don't let a friend get away.
You'll be sorry.
That's a hot one.
I'd like to hear this play if you don't mind.
ACTOR: I'll tell you, Cynthia Who's stopping you? You are, by talking so much.
Shh! Shh! I've got just as much right to Oh, no, you haven't got just as much right Yes, I have Ouch! Would you please sit down and stop making so much noise? I told you you were talking too much.
I wasn't talking any more than you do.
(audience shushing) At least when I talk, I say something.
We're switching.
We're switching.
Oh, we are? Well, I'm glad.
Sit over here while I sit over here.
Sit there.
I lost my shoe.
What? My shoe.
Your shoe? There's your shoe.
I got it.
I got it.
(audience shushing) ACTRESS: That's right, I'll see you Monday.
Now, John, what were you saying? ACTOR: Well, it's about your friend, Marie Van Schlieg.
ACTRESS: She is no friend of mine.
What about her? What about her, John? ACTOR: We just got a cable from the Riviera where she's been vacationing.
ACTRESS: Yes, this country isn't good enough for her.
Well, what about her? ACTOR: She's dead.
ACTRESS: Dead? I I don't believe it.
(sobbing): Marie gone! ACTOR: Cynthia, Cynthia, you've got to get hold of yourself.
You don't understand.
Marie and I are friends.
Only now she'll never know it.
Oh, John, we had a little quarrel.
I said some terrible things, unforgivable things.
Oh, I'll never forgive myself.
We quarreled over some silly little thing.
I don't even remember what it was.
ACTOR: Don't blame yourself too much, Cynthia.
ACTRESS: I should have been bigger.
We were both too proud to say "I'm sorry.
" Oh, what wouldn't I give to see her one more time.
Just once more to tell her I'm sorry.
Oh, what a lesson I've learned, John.
If only the whole world could learn never to quarrel with a dear friend.
And if you do, don't let foolish pride keep you apart.
Hold her in your arms and tell her you're sorry.
Lucy! Ethel! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, it was all my fault.
No, it was my fault.
Will you two please sit down.
We're, we're very sorry.
Well, that's all right.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.
Come sneaking in on somebody like that.
Well, I wanted to be sure Fred wasn't here before I came in.
Well, for heaven's sake, why? I want you to help me with something.
What? Well I don't know whether I mentioned it or not, BOTH: But I've got a birthday coming up this week.
Oh, did I mention it? Only about 18 times in the last three days.
Oh.
Well, Fred doesn't seem to have gotten my message.
Where has he been, underwater? Will you help me? Well, okay.
I just hope he gives you something nicer than he gave you last year.
Wasn't that awful? You know, I never did figure out what that was supposed to be.
Neither did I.
It was too long to be a stole and too short to be a volleyball net.
You know, on second thought, Ethel, maybe we'd better keep Fred from finding out it's your birthday.
No, I'd rather have a terrible present than no present at all.
You're right, it's not the gift that counts, it's the lack of thought behind it.
I'm glad you're gonna help me.
Hey, why don't you and Fred come over for dinner tonight.
We'll both work on him.
and I'll be real subtle, see? Oh, that ought to do it.
Thanks.
Okay.
I'll see you later.
All right.
Good.
You want some more cake, Fred? No, thanks.
Um, speaking of cake, did you all see the huge birthday cake that was in the window of the Speedy Cleaners? It was the Speedy Cleaners' 40th birthday.
LUCY: Mm-hmm.
Oh and I didn't send them anything.
Goldblatt's Delicatessen had a birthday last week.
It was their 50th.
It just seems like everybody in the neighborhood is having a birthday.
Let's see, who else do we know that has a birthday about this time? Can I have another cup of coffee, Lucy? Yeah.
You know, I have the strangest feeling that someone we all know and love has a birthday coming up very soon.
Someone's going to get clobbered if he doesn't remember.
Excuse me, please.
Want some sugar, Fred? No, thanks.
Cream? No, thanks.
Happy birthday, sweetheart! (laughing) You thought I'd forgotten, eh? My birthday is months from now.
Oh? She was talking about Ethel's birthday.
Oh, Fred, you knew it all the time.
Sure.
Why did you let us keep on talking? Yeah.
What's the matter with you.
, Fred? I just wanted to see how far you two clowns would go.
I'll put this away.
Just a minute.
How come you have this box of candy all ready to give to me? Well, uh And with a card that says "Happy Birthday"? Ricky? Well, uh if you must know this is my emergency present.
(laughing) Emergency present, huh? "Happy Anniversary.
" "Happy Mother's Day.
" "Happy Valentine's Day.
" "Merry Christmas.
" Oh, and here's a pip.
"I'm sorry, dear.
Can't we please be friends again?" (laughing) Well, I'll I'll put it away.
Why? I certainly won't be surprised next time.
You might be.
These chocolates are three years old.
That's great, Rick.
I'll have to remember that gag.
Honestly, these men.
What, uh, birthday is it, Ethel? Ethel, what birthday is it? Oh, it's mine.
I meant, how old are you gonna be? She know what you meant.
Ricky Ricardo, I'm surprised at you.
It's not nice to ask a woman's age.
Thanks, Lucy.
Besides, it's none of your business if Ethel is 53.
I am not! I'm only Oh, no, you don't.
Ha, ha! Darn it, it almost worked.
Ah, you think you're so smart.
I'll never tell you my age.
I'll tell you.
Fred Mertz, don't you dare.
Go ahead, tell us.
Fred! Nah, honeybunch, I'm not going to tell them your exact age.
Let's just say it's somewhere between the Speedy Cleaners and Goldblatt's Delicatessen.
(guffawing) Well, so long as you know I got a birthday coming up, where had you planned to take me to celebrate? Well, I loved what we did last year, honeybunch.
What was that, Fred? Well, we just had a cozy little dinner at home, just the two of us.
That's sounds very romantic.
Oh, it was.
I bought the groceries, I cooked the dinner, and by the time I finished washing the dishes, he was in front of the television set asleep.
(guffawing) Happy birthday to me.
I tell you what let's do this year.
Let's all go someplace for a fancy dinner and then go to the theater and see a play.
Oh, that'd be wonderful.
Would you like that? I'd love it.
I don't think that's a very good idea.
Fred, it'll be our present to Ethel.
It's on us.
Yeah.
Hey, that is a pretty good idea.
Oh, what a sport I married.
Okay, then that's all settled.
Come on, let's play cards.
That was quite a game.
Yeah.
Thanks for a wonderful dinner, Lucy.
You're welcome.
And, Ricky, thanks in advance for dinner and the theater on my birthday.
That's a wonderful present.
Well you're welcome.
Hey, Fred, you know a present you can give me sometime? What? You can fix that leaky faucet in the kitchen.
Oh, how long has that been leaking now? Four months now.
Ah, don't worry.
I'll get around to it in due time.
Oh, swell.
ETHEL: Come on.
Good night, Rick.
Good night, honey.
Good night, Rick.
Good night, honey.
Good night, Fred.
Good night.
Oh, honey, I'm real tired.
I think I'll go to bed, huh? Okay.
I'll be right in.
(sighing) (knock at door) Fred.
Now, where's that little old leaky faucet? At this hour? Well, it was on my mind.
This is just an excuse to get away from Ethel.
Oh, oh, oh.
Will you do me a favor? Sure, Fred.
I want you to buy Ethel's present for me.
Oh, sure, I can, but why don't you want to do it? Well, she doesn't seem to like the presents I buy.
What makes you say that? Well, I've been buying her presents for 26 years now, and after I give them to her, I never see them again.
Well Now, you buy her something real nice, will you? With this? Well, all right.
Okay, did she give you any hints about what she wanted? Well, she did say this morning she needed a new toaster.
Oh, Fred.
Women don't like practical gifts like toasters.
They like something that's feminine and fun.
You know, a gifty gift.
Well, I'll leave the whole thing to you.
Oh, all right.
I'll go shopping tomorrow.
I'll get her something real pretty, huh? Thank you, honey.
Good night.
Good night.
Forgot my wrench.
Hey, uh, as long as you're here, how about fixing the faucet? At this hour? Are you crazy? Psst, Fred, Fred.
Hi.
Shh.
Oh.
(whispers): There.
Well, hi, Fred.
Hi, Lucy.
Hey, Ricky got tickets for Over The Teacups.
I don't believe it.
He did; go on up and see him.
Here I go.
Ethel? Yeah.
Hi! I thought I heard your voice out here.
Guess what play Ricky got tickets for.
What? Over The Teacups.
Over The Teacups! Oh, that's the biggest hit in town.
How did he do that? Well, he said he had to pull a lot of strings, but nothing was too much trouble for your birthday.
Oh, he's a dear.
He's a real Cuban doll.
This is gonna be the best birthday of my whole life.
Dinner and a hit play.
Oh What's the matter now? I haven't got a thing to wear.
Oh, come now, Ethel.
Surely you must have something.
Well, I got a dress that would do, but my coat's so tacky.
What coat do you usually wear? Yours, but you're going.
What about that gold lame jacket of yours? You mean that green lame jacket of mine? Tarnished? It's tarnished.
Maybe you can get it dry-cleaned.
Or I could polish it.
Ha, ha! You wouldn't believe what that old coat looks like.
I'll show you.
You know how many years I've had it anyway.
Hey.
What's this? What's what? This.
Oh, it must be Fred's present to me.
How do you know? He always hides them in the closet.
Must be something to wear.
Uh, well, Ethel, uh aren't you going to peek inside and see what it is? No, I want to postpone the bad news as long as possible.
Well, uh, Ethel, may-maybe Fred got you something nice this time.
Let's look.
Well all right.
Maybe if I get the initial shock over with, I can act pleased when I open it in front of Fred.
Yeah.
Well, he's done it again.
What do you mean? Oh, these make his other presents look great.
Well, Ethel, I-I think they're kind of cute.
What are they? Well, they're hostess pants.
You wear them when you give smart dinner parties.
Oh, I was wondering what to wear at all those smart dinner parties I give.
Well, I-I saw them last month in Harper's Bazaar.
Well, they're certainly bizarre.
Well, now, wait a minute, Ethel.
Look.
You get yourself a little black, off-the-shoulder blouse and a big crushy belt and little ballet slippers and you're all set.
What for? Halloween? Well, I like them.
I think this time Fred made a very good choice.
Oh, don't try to defend him, Lucy.
Let's face it, all of his taste is in his mouth.
Ethel, I think you're being very ungrateful! Fred pro-probably put a lot of time and thought into picking these out.
He did not.
I know where they came from.
What I can't figure out is how they got them to fit in a box of Crackerjack.
(chuckling) (laughing out loud) You know, these are so ridiculous, they're funny.
(guffawing) Oh, brother.
I'd like to meet the idiot that talked him into these.
(guffawing) How do you do.
How do you do.
What do you mean? For your information, I am the idiot who talked him into those.
Oh, Lucy! Oh, Lucy, I don't believe it.
I should have known more than to get you something chic.
Chic? I got no use for those.
I wanted a toaster.
Well, Fred told me that, but I couldn't believe you could be that dull.
Listen, I'd look better wearing a toaster than I wear those checkerboard britches.
I should have known better than to get you anything at the young, modern department.
Well, you're so young and modern, you wear them.
Well, I would, but first, I'd have to take them in six inches in the seat! Oh! Well, honeybunch, you're going to the theater for your birthday.
Yes, sir, it was tough, but we got the tickets.
Well, you little Dickens, you've opened your present.
What did I give you? I mean, how do you like what I gave you? Oh, it's not use, Fred.
I know Lucy picked them out.
You should have stuck with your own taste.
You see, I told you we should have bought the toaster.
Is this what you bought for Ethel? You keep out of this! Well, this is a switch.
You open your present, find out you don't like it, and now you can exchange it before I even give it to you.
Yeah, this way, everything works out perfectly.
Yeah, but I'll bet you won't want to exchange these.
No, I won't because we're not going to accept them.
What? I refuse to go to the theater with anyone who thinks I'm a hippopotamus.
Did you call her that? No.
Ha! All I did was intimate that she was a little hippy.
But on second glance, she has got the biggest potamus I've ever seen.
Fred, give him back those tickets.
Are you crazy? They cost $6.
60 apiece.
I don't care if they cost $660.
We're not going.
Well, I am.
Well, take somebody else.
Hey, there's an idea.
Oh, no you don't.
There.
We offered you theater tickets and you're going to take them.
We're not going.
What?! I have no intentions of going to the theater with someone who thinks my taste is all in my mouth.
Pardon me.
Happy birthday, and I hope you live another 75 years.
Oh! Hi, Rick.
Hi, Fred.
There-- Ethel won't use these tickets.
Oh, that's too bad.
Did you ever see anybody as stubborn as that old mule of mine? Well, Lucy does pretty good.
She wasn't gonna go if Ethel was going.
Well, I'll let you know how the play turns out.
You won't have to.
Ethel's got this thing stuck in her craw.
She's got to go to this play on her birthday and I've got to buy some other tickets.
You can't buy any other tickets, Fred.
It's a sellout.
Hey, wait a minute.
I'll tell you what we'll do.
What? Here.
You pay me for these and you tell Ethel that you bought two tickets.
What about Lucy? I'll tell Lucy that you gave me your tickets back and I sold them.
That way, they'll both agree to go.
Mm-hmm, well, what are you gonna do about our two mules sitting next to each other? Put blinkers on them? You know how they are.
By tomorrow night, they'll be the best of friends.
They can't stay mad at each other.
You're right.
Sure.
I'll go and tell, uh, Francis I bought the tickets.
(guffawing) Okay, Fred.
See you later.
I guess it's right here.
Loge seats! Yeah.
Second and third in.
Pardon me.
Sorry.
Thanks.
Say, these seats aren't bad, considering how tough they were to get.
Wasn't that a break they had a cancellation just as you got to the box office? Yep, yep.
You didn't see Lucy at all today, huh? I saw her; I didn't speak to her.
Uh-huh.
I thought probably you'd made up.
You two are pretty good friends, you know? Eh.
Let me look around, huh? Oh, isn't this thrilling? People who come to the theater always look so intellectual and well-groomed.
Present company excepted.
I wonder who those two people are.
Oh, I hope they don't come in late and crawl all over us.
If there's anything I can't stand, it's people who come in late and crawl all over you.
Quiet.
Curtain's going up.
(doorbell ringing onstage) Pardon, please.
ACTOR: Good afternoon, Cynthia.
Lucy! ACTRESS: Good afternoon, sir.
What are you doing here? What are you doing here? Shh! Go in, go in, honey.
I thought you said you took those two tickets back.
I thought you got our tickets at the box office.
Shh! I thought you'd be friends by now.
Well, we're not.
Go in, honey.
No, I'm not going in.
MAN: Go on, lady.
I can't hold this all night.
Shut up.
Shh! Well, I'm going in.
I don't care.
MAN: Just sit down.
Sit down.
ACTRESS: Well, John, to what do I owe this visit? ACTOR: Oh, nothing.
ACTRESS: An important man like you (whispering): Let me see, Fred.
ACTRESS: One lump or two? ACTOR: Three.
WOMAN (chcukling): You're not fighting weight like most of us, I fear.
The cookies are delicious.
Ricky? Would you like I would.
(grumbling) Fred, can I look through your binoculars? (shouting): I don't care! (audience shushing) Why do you have to be so selfish? Just let me (binoculars breaking) ACTRESS: I never see you anymore.
ACTOR: I've been awfully busy.
ACTRESS: Nonsense.
Your problem is that you have too many friends.
ACTOR: Nobody ever has too many friends.
Friendship is a terribly important thing, Cynthia.
As a matter of fact, friends are about the most important thing in the world.
Ha! ACTOR: friendship, Cynthia.
Don't let a friend get away.
You'll be sorry.
That's a hot one.
I'd like to hear this play if you don't mind.
ACTOR: I'll tell you, Cynthia Who's stopping you? You are, by talking so much.
Shh! Shh! I've got just as much right to Oh, no, you haven't got just as much right Yes, I have Ouch! Would you please sit down and stop making so much noise? I told you you were talking too much.
I wasn't talking any more than you do.
(audience shushing) At least when I talk, I say something.
We're switching.
We're switching.
Oh, we are? Well, I'm glad.
Sit over here while I sit over here.
Sit there.
I lost my shoe.
What? My shoe.
Your shoe? There's your shoe.
I got it.
I got it.
(audience shushing) ACTRESS: That's right, I'll see you Monday.
Now, John, what were you saying? ACTOR: Well, it's about your friend, Marie Van Schlieg.
ACTRESS: She is no friend of mine.
What about her? What about her, John? ACTOR: We just got a cable from the Riviera where she's been vacationing.
ACTRESS: Yes, this country isn't good enough for her.
Well, what about her? ACTOR: She's dead.
ACTRESS: Dead? I I don't believe it.
(sobbing): Marie gone! ACTOR: Cynthia, Cynthia, you've got to get hold of yourself.
You don't understand.
Marie and I are friends.
Only now she'll never know it.
Oh, John, we had a little quarrel.
I said some terrible things, unforgivable things.
Oh, I'll never forgive myself.
We quarreled over some silly little thing.
I don't even remember what it was.
ACTOR: Don't blame yourself too much, Cynthia.
ACTRESS: I should have been bigger.
We were both too proud to say "I'm sorry.
" Oh, what wouldn't I give to see her one more time.
Just once more to tell her I'm sorry.
Oh, what a lesson I've learned, John.
If only the whole world could learn never to quarrel with a dear friend.
And if you do, don't let foolish pride keep you apart.
Hold her in your arms and tell her you're sorry.
Lucy! Ethel! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, it was all my fault.
No, it was my fault.
Will you two please sit down.
We're, we're very sorry.
Well, that's all right.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.