In Living Color (1990) s04e09 Episode Script

- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, go - Hey, Grandma, you need help with somethin'? - Oh, no, thank you, baby.
- I got all the help I need here in old Mr.
Brooks.
- Oh, that's right.
Me and Mrs.
Brooks have been making Thanksgiving for the family.
.
.
going well nigh on 50 years now.
[Both.]
And we're still doin' it together.
Yeah, we're gonna go to the store and get some pumpkin pie for dessert.
- Okay, baby.
Bye, babies! - Y'all.
.
.
Y'all be careful now.
Mm-hmm.
Yes, indeed.
You know, Mrs.
Brooks.
.
.
Iooking at your big old flabby Jell-O pudding jiggling behind.
.
.
made me a mite depressed.
Would you mind getting me some eggnog and rum? Oh, sure, Mr.
Brooks.
It's an honor to serve a man whose hemorrhoids are so big.
.
.
he's taller sittin' down than standin' up.
- And while we're doin' each other favors.
.
.
- Mm-hmm? Do you mind stuffing the turkey for me? Well, not at all, Mrs.
Brooks.
Not at all.
Thanks to you, I'm an expert at sticking my hand up cold, ugly birds.
- [Snapping Sound.]
- Ooh! Oh! Ow! Oh! You know, Mrs.
Brooks.
.
.
I ain't felt pain like that since the night we got intimate.
.
.
and your dentures locked up on my nipple.
Would you mind getting me a Band-Aid from out of the cabinet? Why, sure, Mr.
Brooks.
I wouldn't talk if I was you, Mr.
Brooks.
You the only man I know who got a label on his drawers that says.
.
.
"Contents may cause drowsiness.
" And as far as a Band-Aid is concerned.
.
.
I believe there's one right there over in the closet.
Well, you one to talk about a person's body, now, Mrs.
Brooks.
You're one to talk.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
Shoot.
Between all that meaty thighs you've got.
.
.
the cheese under your neck and them rolls of fat on your belly.
.
.
you a walking delicatessen.
- Oh, you ready to take your trip now, Mrs.
Brooks? - Oh, I'm not going anywhere.
- The hell you ain't.
- [Squeals.]
Now, either my eyes are playing tricks on me, Mrs.
Brooks.
.
.
or you starting to look just like your mama.
I wouldn't talk about mamas if I was you, Mr.
Brooks.
Your mama's butt is so blubbery, last time she bent over.
.
.
a toilet bowl and two stools fell out.
Oh, watch out.
That's my mama.
Watch out.
Oh, my goodness.
Do you see that fly in the punch bowl? Where? Where, where, where? Here! Oh, no.
Where'd she go? Now, that was stupid.
That was plain stupid, Mrs.
Brooks.
Oh, you're not one to talk about stupid, Mr.
Brooks.
Your daddy's so stupid, he thought a condom had two bedrooms and a Jacuzzi.
Yeah? Well, at least my daddy had common sense.
Oh, he the one told me.
.
.
He said, " Son, you don't marry hos.
You rent 'em.
" You gone done it now, old man! Prepare to meet your pacemaker! En garde, Mrs.
Brooks.
I'm about to chop you up like Negro sushi.
[Ferocious Shouting.]
Oh, you done angered me now.
Prepare to enter the dragon.
Only thing I see draggin' around here is them sagging breasts of yours.
Ha-ha! Yeah.
I see your master done trained you well, grasshopper.
But the smell of death is in the air.
Oh, that's not the smell of death, Mr.
Brooks.
That's your upper lip.
[Grunting.]
- Grandma! Grandpa! - On the table? [Both.]
We still together.
[Man.]
Welcome to Candy Cane's Puppet-Time Theatre.
- Lookie yonder.
- Hi, kids! I'm Candy Cane, and welcome to the show.
Boy, oh, boy, are we gonna have fun today.
.
.
because every day's fun in Candy Cane Land.
Except for Saturday night, when you sit home alone being stood up again.
.
.
because men are lying scum who never call back.
Oh, but that's not your problem.
.
.
yet.
Hey, there, Candy.
How ya doin'? Land O'Goshen.
Well, look, kids.
It's Farmer Smiley.
- Sure enough here.
- I haven't seen him in a while.
How you doin', kids? I'm here to tell you about the letter of the day.
- Lookie yonder.
- [Gasps.]
And what letter is that, Farmer Smiley? Well, the letter is, Candy.
.
.
is "C.
" - Lookie there.
- That's a great letter! Mmm.
What words start with the letter "C"? - Uh.
.
.
Cow.
- Cat.
- Car.
- Cruel.
- Cookie.
- Creep.
- Cake.
- Commitment.
- Shoot, dog.
- Okay, now let's put them all together.
.
.
and make the sentence of the day.
- I've got one.
- Oh, Lord.
Farmer Smiley is a cruel cat who can't commit to Candy Cane.
.
.
'cause he'd rather be with his wife, who's a cow.
Can you think of any other words that start.
.
.
with the letter "C," Farmer Smiley? Yeah, I can think of some words that start with "C.
" I'm sorry.
Come back.
[Giggling.]
Call me! - [Chimes Ringing.]
- Uh-oh! You know what that means? It's Fun Fitness Time.
.
.
and to help Candy Cane today are my two very best friends.
.
.
Anorexic Rabbit.
.
.
and Bulimic Beaver.
Okay.
Let's begin.
Bend and stretch and reach for the stars I'm wasting my life in single bars Again! You're still gaining weight but what can you do When you're a used-up bar slut Who's been a pin cushion for every Tom, Dick and Farmer Smiley in town! I can't even rhyme! [Screams.]
[Screaming, Sobbing.]
[Horns: Fanfare.]
[Laughing.]
Oh, kids.
Did you hear that? It's time for Fairy Tale Castle.
Today we're going to tell you the story about the beautiful maiden.
.
.
and the handsome prince.
Once upon a time in a faraway land lived a fair maiden.
.
.
with a little bit of cellulite, but you could barely see it.
And one day she met a handsome prince.
Hello, fair maiden.
I have never seen such a beauty in all the lands.
Would you like to see my castle? [Sinister Laughing.]
The fair maiden didn't want to seem so cheap and desperate.
.
.
but she had never done it in a castle before.
Well, you've made the right decision, fair maiden.
Just open up your drawbridge and let my Trojan horse inside.
Ha! Ha! Ha! [High-pitched Voice.]
Isn't there something you're forgetting? Oh, uh, uh.
.
.
I, uh, uh.
.
.
Hmm.
- I love you? - Bingo! The fair maiden was in love.
Let's do this froggy style.
Baby, come on! Ha-ha! Give me some bam, bam! Yeah! Bam! Two times! - Bam! Come on.
Come on.
Baby! Ha-ha! - Oh! Ouch! - Oh, yeah.
- But then the prince showed his true colors.
.
.
- by saying.
.
.
- I'm tired.
Go catch a cab.
So the fair maiden turned to him and said.
.
.
"Burn in hell, you creep user pig!" [Screaming.]
Crazy bitch! Then the fair maiden pulled out a gun and blasted off the prince's crown jewels! Come on, baby.
It's not like that.
It was a joke, see? And the fair maiden lived happily ever after.
.
.
in a world without filthy, evil, stinking men! Bye-bye, kids.
[Man Singing: Hip-hop.]
[Man Rapping.]
[Fades.]
- [Woman Singing: Disco.]
- [Announcer.]
Cable Access Channel 96 presents.
.
.
Men On Cooking.
Hello.
I'm Blayne Edwards.
And I'm Antoine Merrywether.
- And welcome to Mens On Cooking.
- Mens On Cooking.
This is the show that look at cooking from a male point of view.
Mm-hmm.
Today's show is brought to you by a brand-new sponsor.
.
.
Dairy Queen.
I scream, you scream, we all scream down at the Dairy Queen.
[Screams.]
Now, today.
.
.
today we're gonna make a very special dinner only for the mens.
Mm-hmm.
We're gonna start with special cocktail weenies for hors d'oeuvres.
- Why do they call 'em "ho d'oeuvres" anyway? - 'Cause a ho gotta eat too.
Ooh! Well, I just love these scrumptious little piggies in a blanket.
All hot and steamy.
Nestled up in between two soft buns.
Just plumpin' when you cook 'em.
Mmm.
And they're bite-sized too.
Yummy! Now it's time for us to decide on our main dish.
I was watching one of them other little shows on TV, and they was cookin' up red snapper.
[Both.]
Hated it! That's why we always decided on poultry.
'Cause nobody love a little chicken more than we do.
So anyways.
.
.
Oh, boy! Ooh, I gota sudden yen for some beef.
- Hi.
You must be the new boy.
- Yeah.
- What's your name? - Richard.
I bet they call you "Dick" for short.
Now here's our poor, unsuspecting little turkey.
He's nubile and young, just sittin' there waiting to be dressed.
Don't he look precious, all naked and helpless and alone? That remind me of my first time.
We're gonna start by gently massaging oils into the turkey.
[Whimpers.]
- Don't hurt him.
- I'm in love, child.
I ain't gonna hurt this bird.
- I think someone's done this before.
- I think so.
See, now we need to loosen this turkey up by moving his legs around a bit.
Work those turkey legs, little Miss Thing.
Work it.
Work it.
In and out.
- What's that do? - Nothin' for the turkey, but it gets me woozy.
You're crazy.
[Gasps.]
Oh, my.
Look like somebody already stuffed the turkey.
Excuse me, boy.
Could you put that in my car, please? Now the luscious bird is ready to be heated up.
And while you're browning your Butterball, you can prepare your vegetable side dish.
You know, other shows would suggest.
.
.
the traditional tossed salad topped with cherry tomatoes.
[Both.]
Hated it.
- I hate everything but the cherry.
- I know.
Personally, I prefer a stuffed zucchini.
- Now, remember when you're selecting your zucchini.
.
.
- [Gasps.]
You got to squeeze it.
Use all your strength.
Make sure it's ripe.
- Then gently take a knife.
.
.
- [Screams.]
No! No! Do not touch this zucchini, child.
This is so beautiful in its natural state.
Boy.
Would you put this in my car, please? Now it's time to select a volunteer from the audience.
Let me see.
Fish, fish, him.
How can I help? Um.
.
.
could you pick that up for me, please? Thank you very much.
How 'bout some applause? Yea! Another perfect way to please your palate.
.
.
is with dessert.
- Ladyfingers? Hated it.
- Hated it.
- Apple Brown Betty? Hated it.
- Hated it.
Ooh.
What about nice, fresh bananas? [Both.]
Yummy! And what's whole bananas without somethin' on top of them? - No fun.
- That's why fresh whipped cream is mandatory.
- Mm-hmm.
- And we like to whip it ourselves.
- [Whirring.]
- [Squealing.]
Oh! Now, this item is a must-have.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, boy! Could you put this in my car? Oh, uh-uh, uh-uh! That goes in my car.
You jealous little bitch.
Now we have to say good night.
.
.
and it's time to give this meal a very special.
.
.
Chef Boyardee snap.
[Both.]
Two snaps, and wipe your mouth.
Join us next week when we show you how to tenderize your rump roast.
.
.
or jerk your chicken.
- I thought we was cookin'.
- Don't we always? - Until then, ciao, chow, ciao! - Ciao, chow, ciao! [Woman Singing: Disco.]
Tonight we got a very special guest they call the queen of hip-hop soul.
Please welcome Uptown recording artist MaryJ.
Blige.
[Vocalizing.]
[Singing.]
[Women Singing.]
[Vocalizing.]
[Man Rapping.]
[Singing Continues.]
[Vocalizing.]
[Man Rapping.]
- [Man Rapping.]
- [Singing Continues.]
[Rapping Continues.]
[Singing Continues.]
[Vocalizing.]
[Continues, Fades.]