Key and Peele (2012) s04e09 Episode Script

All right, so we have to remember H5.
Okay.
Uh, oh.
I got it.
High five.
Oh, I see.
Oh, that's good.
I see what you're trying to do there.
You're trying to figure out a mnemonic device.
- Yeah, trying.
- Okay.
High fives came out in the '70s.
That's when they were invented, that's a 7.
Yeah.
- There's two of us.
- So why are you-- So if you subtract 2 from 7, that's 5.
Okay, great.
So you got it.
So um And then, um, there's five major food groups.
Why are you going on? Oh, no.
You're gonna love this.
This is fun for me 'cause it's a puzzle.
No puzzle.
Five major food groups.
There is meat, vegetables, grain, dairy, and fruit.
Oh.
My God.
Okay.
My favorite fruit is pineapple.
But you know that we got it already, so - Pineapple comes from Hawaii.
- Okay.
And oh, oh, My favorite current show is Hawaii Five-0.
Hawaii Five-0.
Okay, so that's it.
Done.
- We're done.
Hawaii Five-0.
- Yeah.
Ooh, ooh, and Scott Caan is the star of Hawaii Five-0.
Scott Caan? We're really talking about Scott Caan now? And his father is James Caan, who's one of the five major stars of the-- What's wrong with you? One of the five major huge stars, "h," right? Of The Godfather movies.
So it's Caan, Pacino, Brando, Duvall, and um I don't even know why you're doing this.
- Oh - Diane Keaton.
Diane Keaton, yes.
Thank you.
And it's easy to remember her name 'cause her name is the same last name as Buster Keaton and Michael Keaton.
But-- No-- Okay.
We're just going through this now.
Both comedians, and when you laugh, - you say "ha.
" - Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
- "Ha-Ha.
" - Stop.
Stop.
Stop! Stop! You see what you're doing? You're overcomplicating the whole thing.
We already had it.
You're just making it more difficult, Just like you do everything.
I left my phone in the car.
Which is Wait, hold up.
A dap No, it was handshake No, I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
Ha.
Buster Keaton and Michael Keaton have the same last name as Diane Keaton who's one of the five huge stars on The Godfather movies No.
No--no--no.
But I got it.
It's Keaton, Brando, Duvall, Pacino, - and James Caan - Oh, okay.
who's the father of Scott Caan, who's the star of Hawaii Five-0.
Hawaii, pineapple, - pineapple's my favorite fruit - No-- No-- No-- No-- No-- No.
- Five major food groups - No, you can't-- There's two of us.
- 5 plus 2 is 7 - Wait, wait So That's the '70s when high fives were invented, H5.
High five! High five! I had it! Damn! Explain to me your current health care regiment.
I mean, your current physical-- I do-- Here's what it is.
Aerobics is like slow steady-state cardio and what I do is, like, interval cardio.
So you're doing it all day? - Oh.
- Like, 20 minutes a day.
You could do it.
What you do mean when you say, "You could do it,"? Like, you dropped "You.
" I did-- Okay.
Why would you emphasize "you" like that? I'm just saying - Of course I could do it.
- Of course you could it.
I mean, it'd take a little while for you get into it.
But you could do it.
I'm an athletic, spry young man.
Of course I could do it.
I played soccer, bro.
Live from the Nestlé Arena, Welcome to the finals of 1987 Jazz Fit Championships.
Representing the Body Shop from Hollywood, California, Flash.
And from the Skin Shop in Detroit, Michigan, Lightning.
You son of a bitch! You motherfucker! You crazy sick fuck! Let me at him! I'm gonna kill you.
Let me at-- you motherfucker! If you and I were in just a tag team fight and there was a couple of your average street riffraff.
Some rapscallions? Well, how do you think we'd do? Now, when you say tag team, you're not talking about one of us scrapping with three dudes and tagging out.
You're talking about if we were just together-- Blip, blip.
If we just together blippin' it, slippin' it, crashin' it, slappin' it.
Yeah.
Street rules.
Kick 'em in the crotch.
If-- Do we get a good-- Do we get a weapon? Let's say no.
- Average sized guys.
- So bigger than us.
Dude, I think if we went hog wild on them, we'd be okay.
Like, if we just went crazy and lost our minds.
I mean, if I was beating a dude and pissing myself at the same time, that's okay as long as I'm making contact.
It turns out it wasn't a ghost at all.
It was my little sister hiding in the basement! And she was goin' "Boo" and making the noises the whole time, so Oh, shoot.
I forgot his juice boxes.
- Oh.
- I will be right back.
You'll be all right with Zachary? - I think so.
- Okay.
So, Zachary You know I'm, uh, gonna be marrying you mother and, uh, I'm gonna be moving in soon and I just I'm so excited to spend more time with you.
You know, I know that you had a hard time with your father and he spanked you and, you know, I just want you to know that's not gonna happen with me.
Okay? And I promise I will never spank you.
Okay.
That's Okay.
Um I know why you did that.
But I will never spank you because I know that you still-- Oh! That's-- Ow.
I don't know that there's anything I did to deserve that-- Okay.
This You Okay.
Mm.
I'ma be real with you.
You can't go hittin' people.
All ri-- Oh! Oh! Oh! I ain't coming back for that fourth one.
All right.
So we done? We got that out of our system? 'Cause I know that this this isn't you.
Oh! I told you-- Uh! Oh! Oh! Come on! This Oh! Oh! Oh! This You Ugh! Ugh! Why! - Fast.
- Oh what? Ooh! Ugh! Oh! That's unbelievable.
Why-- What did I do? I'm the good guy.
I'm-- I'm the good guy, man.
Look.
I'm never gonna spank you.
I'm not gonna be like your father.
I'm gonna be your friend.
You need to respect me! You understand? You little shit! I will respect you, Charles.
If you play your role.
Now, listen up I'm a bad, bad boy, Charles.
I don't need a fucking friend.
So go ahead.
Marry my mommy.
Move in.
Fuck her as hard as you want.
Just leave me the fuck alone.
You do that, 11 years from now, I'll be out of the house and we won't have any problems.
You don't and I will break you.
Okay, Charles? How are we doing? I love him! So the other thing I'm thinking is maybe with the plasma bolts, instead of going the traditional way and having them actually emanating from his hands, What if they came from his aura? - They just came-- - Uh, he's here.
Oh, God.
Thank you.
Guys, this is so exciting.
Marvel legend Stan Lee calls me on the phone a couple of weeks ago and says, "I'd like to stop by.
" So I just thought that'd be a great treat so he's-- Excelsior! - Hey! Mr.
Lee! - All right.
All right.
Sit down, sit down.
Let's get going.
Oh, you're here to pitch us some characters? You bet your bottom dollar I have.
All right, let's see here.
We got to Easel work's a little bit rusty.
Don't touch that.
Okay.
Introducing Heyday.
He lives perpetually in his best year: 1982.
His nemesis is the evil writer's block.
He'll live forever as long as he continues to come up with great, interesting, and relevant ideas.
Well, that got nothing.
Mr.
Lee, I just-- I just feel, you know, we're really busy this morning, you-- Uh-uh-uh-uh, this ain't my first rodeo, sonny boy.
I got a million of 'em.
All right.
Dr.
Balance.
He's an aging robotics scientist who never slips and falls in the shower.
It's where am I, man? No matter how late at night he gets up to go number one, He always knows exactly where he is.
Thermostatro.
He has the power to control any thermostat, which means he never has to be tormented by any suddenly cold spots.
Techno.
He understands how to control any technological device.
Things like the computer or the little hand computer.
Road Rage.
He gets behind innocent drivers on the thoroughfare on their way home from the doctor's office and he leans on his radioactive horn And they say "Hey! Come on, get off of my bumper, hot rod! We're goin' as fast as we can!" Where'd you guys come from? Oh, yeah.
Here's the Gray Chaser.
Her special powers are she's 40, has no kids, and she's got a rockin' hot bod.
She's only into older dudes with ponytails and liver spots.
Homestead.
He's got the mutant ability to force any of his busy adult children to come visit for a change.
I mean, would it kill you to pick up a phone? How 'bout an evil villain, huh? The Overweight Jamaican Maid.
Also known as Jamila! She steals things.
Mr.
Lee, I'm-- I'm-- I'm so sorry.
Just, with all due respect, I-I don't think that, uh I don't think that we could use any of these characters.
Oh.
So say the room? - Yes.
- Yeah.
Oh.
No, I-I-I understand.
Don't mind me.
Sometimes you're just shooting blanks.
I know when I'm not wanted.
Just toss the rest of 'em in the, uh, trash compactor or whatever ya got these days.
It was a real honor, sir, to have you.
Ah.
Eureka.
I've just been inspired.
Now, this is a superhero team, A ragtag group of multiethnics known as The Fired Bunch.
They possess the testicular fortitude to bite the very hand that feeds them and are cursed to walk the streets for an eternity unemployed.
What do you think? We love it! - Excelsior! - Excelsior! So what's the worst job you ever had? Worst job I ever had Man.
It sucked working for that coffee shop.
Oh, that barista situation.
Talkin' 'bout barista.
People be coming in for coffee in the morning.
Let me tell you something.
They're not happy.
- They haven't had their - coffee yet.
Right, right, right.
People are just talkin' 'bout Being a barista, it was, like, it was a meeting of worlds 'cause you had Clarence, my man was one of them baristas who was from, - like the South Side.
- Yeah, yeah.
And then you had, like, Sarah was, like, you know, she was like, the m-- the manager.
The m-middle manager and she was like, "You guys, "We really-- We really need to put the whipped cream can-- canisters "back where we got them.
" And just, - I mean, middle managers.
- Yeah.
They are killing me.
Like, they are holding some status over you that you desperately want their job.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, you want to be, "Like-- Round up, you guys.
" Not the round up.
- Please, not the - round up.
"Let's-- Let's take a knee, you guys.
"Good job.
Good morning, "but we're really falling behind with cleanliness.
" And you see these are the motherfuckers that are just always be havin'-- smokin' cigarettes outside the back.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
"You want another break? "You want another break?" - What are you doin'? - Okay, okay.
What flavor you got? Vanilla.
Flavor do you got? Lemon zinger.
Lemon zinger like that tea? - Oh.
- What? Oh, no.
No-no.
I got that brain freeze.
Oh, man.
The fuck you do.
- You ain't no brain freeze.
- Oh.
Man, dude.
Relax, man.
That shit pass, man.
- Calm down.
- It ain't passing.
Ooh.
It's intensifying.
What do you mean not passin'? What do you mean, man? That can't be intensifyin', dog.
Whoo.
Come on, man.
You say you from the hood, dog.
You actin' weak right now with this brain freeze.
- Ahh! Ow! - Come on.
Ain't no brain freeze gonna make you yell like that, man.
Get over--don't be hittin' your head with the brain freeze.
Come on.
Hey.
Yo, you goin' silver balls on that? Silver balls on a string, kinetic energy.
Please shut your-- What's wrong with you? Come on.
Okay, Exorcist.
What are you doin' now? What, you doin' some kung fu? Get over it, man.
Listen.
It can't be doin' this much to you.
Listen, man.
Don't be a punk ass bitch, man.
Get over the-- What, are you afraid now? You seein' things? You just scared? Brain freeze making you scared? Who are you? Oh-- What do you mean, "Who am I?" You ain't got no Alzheimer's.
- What's wrong with you.
- Help.
You a punk ass bitch.
What is this? You goin' Three Stooges on this mong.
This is some crazy ass-- Oh, you even did the hand block.
You know what, man? You're weak, man.
You a weak ass motherfucker.
That's the problem.
'cause you're-- - Mmm! - Oh, whoa.
Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
Hold up now.
Hold up now.
Hold up now.
Hold up now.
Hold up, man.
You gonna continue to eat the froyo eatin' on top of the brain freeze? What are you doin', dog? Hey, now I'm really startin' to respect you now, man.
If you gonna eat the thing that's causing you the pain? This is great.
Oh, oh, now it's goin' faster.
Now you're speedin' up.
He's steerin' into the brain freeze.
This shit is straight crazy right here, dog.
Hey.
Real talk, though? Real talk, though? Real talk, though? I mean, this crazier than the time, man, that I strangled Benny with my bare hands 'cause he didn't have my money.
All right.
We got 'em.
Got who? What? What? You 5-0? Stand up slowly.
What? I can't believe this.
Man, I known you since the 6th grade.
You under arrest for the murder of Benny Tacktheritrix.
Get him out of here.
Hey, man, you a punk ass brain freeze motherfucker.
And you goin' to jail for a long time.
I'm in too deep.
Ahh.
I got the brain freeze.
Got caught with the brain freeze.
Yeah, you got that brain freeze! Get him out of here.
Do you remember when Catherine Zeta-Jones was in Entrapment? Do I remember? This bitch, she doing a back bend but she upside down and she on the floor.
Going through the laser-- Going through the laser storm like this? Going through the lasers.
Going through the lasers.
I'm gonna watch it, dude.
- Say, "Hey, sweetie.
" - Say what? "Maybe we should go to the movies this weekend.
- You got, uh" - Say, "Who is this?" "Catherine Zeta-Jones.
" You know what I mean? You know what I'm sayin'? She was-- She Oh.
Do you remember, um, Career Opportunities when Jennifer Connelly was on that horse? - All like - Ooh.
You talkin' about things I can't forget now.
Talkin' about that-- you were like-- That was-- that shit was my awakening.
I'm gonna do my one line here.
Oh, yeah.