Kickin' It (2011) s04e09 Episode Script

(Straining) (Grunts, breathes heavily) Oh! (Pants) (Grunts) Man, he's really struggling with that thing.
Looks pretty heavy.
I can't sit here and watch this.
I'm gonna go give him some help.
Lift with your legs! (Snaps fingers) Aww, you're a good friend.
That's what I do.
Yo, so what's in the trunk? I'll give you a hint.
You wouldn't be standing here today without it.
You locked my mother in the trunk! (Gasps, speaks Spanish) Okay okay okay.
Your mother's not in the trunk.
Hey, dude, um, what're you doing with a bunch of old clothes? These are artifacts from the battle of Seaford Hill.
The President of the historical society handselected me to be the director of the reenactment.
Wait, aren't you the president? I said "handselected.
" Dude, I hate when they do the reenactment.
It reminds everyone I'm related to cook Martinez, the traitor.
Oh, come on, Jerry.
That was 200 years ago.
I'm sure nobody remembers that cook Martinez got all the troops sick and almost cost Seaford the battle.
Watch this.
Crowd: Oh! (Jeering) Yeah, I'm gonna say they still remember.
Anyone want an egg? Got one left.
For the reenactment tomorrow, I got Bobby Wasabi to play the French general Lapew.
Now I just need someone to play general Douglas.
Oh oh oh oh.
(Whining) Pick me! Pick me! You guys know I'm 1/64th Douglas, right? Both: Yes, you keep telling us.
Come on, Milton.
Look at me.
I would make the perfect general Douglas.
A lot of people say I have very similar qualities to him, like courage, vision and a quiet understated grace.
Yeah, he was also known for his chronic battle with lice.
(Screams) Can you see any?! Pick 'em out! Pick 'em out! Rudy, relax.
It's a 200-year-old wig.
If there were any lice, I'm sure they're all dead.
Heh, maybe not all of them.
Look, Milton, I really want to play general Douglas.
I'll give you anything you want.
I want to be sensei.
Milton, relax.
Rudy's not gonna make you sen Aah! Bow to your new sensei.
- No! - General Douglas says bow! Okay.
- (Rock music playing) - Don't you get all tough with me I'm saying won't you come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall - that's just how we do - Come on and no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you here we go, let's start the party chop it up like it's karate everybody won't you come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall - hey - That's just how we do - come on - And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.
My play is an accurate portrayal of the way the battle was won.
Now, I've gone to great detail to make sure everything is 100% authentic.
Excuse me, soldier, why is your shirt pink? Just because I'm a soldier, doesn't mean I can't have flare.
No soldier ever fought in a shirt that color.
Well, I think it makes the soldier's eyes pop.
- (Affirmative mutters) - Yep, it really does.
Thank you.
Look, Milton, as a movie star, I have a vision for my character Lapew.
I'm going to storm in, declare victory in front of the whole town and then ride off on a white horse with a beautiful maiden.
That's not what happened.
You surrendered in a blubbering heap of embarrassment.
Oh, well, I'll cancel the horse, but I'm keeping the maiden.
All right, Rudy, let's rehearse general Sherman's entrance.
And action.
Oh, good people of Seaford.
It is I, your humble, yet bemedaled leader, Sherman Douglas.
Rudy, where'd you get all those medals? Oh, this one's for skee ball and this one's for selling cookies.
Whoa, and this one's from Chad's steakhouse for eating a 40 ounce rump roast.
All right.
Where's the actual jacket that was worn by Douglas? It was in the trunk.
I left that old thing at the dojo.
Now, if anyone needs me, I will be in my dressing room.
(Gags) You would not believe what Bobby's doing in my dressing room.
It's my dressing room now.
Crowd: Boo! (Jeering continues) (Laughs) You kids got to get up pretty early if you want to egg Jerry Martinez.
You got up pretty early, didn't you, kid? It was worth it.
That's it.
- (Grunts) - (Screaming) (Screaming continues) (Muffled squeak) (Silent) (Grunts) (Sputters) (Scoffs) Ugh! Stupid general Sherman's coat.
This is all your fault.
Ugh! Oh, that's it! (Grunts) (Grunting) Huh? "Property of cook Martinez"? (Trumpets) Wow, that thing was really clogged.
And as the clock struck four bells, general Lapew surrendered to general Douglas, who sealed it with his glove.
(Patriotic Singing) And general Lapew sealed it right back! Not feeling that the surrender was sealed entirely, Sherman sealed it again! (Grunts) Feeling a glove was no longer sufficient to seal it, general Lapew grabbed a nearby musket! I think we're all sealed up, thank you.
And it was that treaty which ensured that general Douglas would go down in history.
(Applause) And that is why today we honor the biggest liar is Seaford's history! (Crowd gasps, murmurs) Bobby, pass me the musket.
Jerry, what are you talking about? This.
This diary holds cook Martinez's secret.
(Snickers) The secret should be that the dude wrote in a diary.
(Laughs) Am I right? Here's what really happened at the battle of Seaford.
"The year is 1814.
" (Flute plays patriotic tune) Jerry: We've been at war for 13 months and our supplies are running out.
In order to keep the soldiers fed, I had to get creative in the kitchen Cook Martinez.
The men are complaining about the stew.
They say it tastes like an old boot.
Why would they say that? 'Cause I made it out of an old boot.
Well, the pea soup isn't bad.
Oh, great, I'll go make some more.
Uh, I wouldn't eat that.
- Why not? - We never had any peas.
This just isn't right.
What little supplies we have left, the general is keeping for himself.
It's because he's a mean, selfish leader who doesn't care about his men.
What did you say, soldier?! Uh, I said we should bring clean shellfish to the leader who does his hair for his men.
You got that right.
I'm a four-star general rocking a five-star coif.
Sir, the men haven't eaten in three days.
And we're about to go into battle against Lapew.
You think I don't know that? That's why I bought this meat.
(Flies buzzing) Sir, the men aren't gonna eat this.
No, check that.
Some of them seem to be sick.
In fact, they're dropping like well, you know Flies.
You know, I'm not sure this meat is even dead.
- (Growls) - (Screams) I can't believe we have to serve this slop to our men.
Our goat wouldn't eat this.
I know, I tried giving it to her and she pulled a rifle on me.
Uh, why aren't we eating the goat? I just told you.
She pulled a rifle on me.
(Coughing, hacking) (Groaning) (Coughing continues) Hey, the men don't look good.
Oh, come on, they may not be the most handsome bunch, but if I were a lonely frontier woman, I could find a husband here.
For instance, look at Davis over there.
In the right light, his cheekbones no no no no no.
The soldiers look sick.
They're turning blue.
Men, Lapew's army is advancing.
But rest assured as you're out there facing certain death, I will be right beside my toasty fire Where I will be writing a letter of condolence to officer Nate's hot wife Annabelle.
Nate's not dead.
You just sent him on a scouting mission.
Good news from the front.
The enemy has surrendered, sir?! No, Nate's been captured.
General, these men are sick.
You don't have an army and the enemy are about to attack.
You need a plan.
You don't think I have a plan? (Scoffs) Oh, I have a plan.
Have the pony express come pick me up.
(Plays tune) - (Fiddle plays) - Rudy: Whoa whoa whoa.
Who are you? How did you get in my trunk? And do you know "camptown races"? (Fiddle plays "camptown races") Guys, we're the only ones who didn't eat the meat.
It's up to us to save Seaford.
We're just cooks.
We don't know anything about being soldiers or winning battles, or firing rifles.
- (Goat bleats) - (Gunshot) (Bullet clinking) If that goat can figure it out, so can we.
Yo, where'd you get the mustache? Oh, man, I don't know.
Once I started ripping things off, I couldn't stop.
Okay, we got into the enemy camp, but are you sure your plan to defeat them is gonna work? I know the plan's gonna work, okay? If this meat wiped out our army.
It'll wipe out theirs.
Oh, here comes general Lapew.
Quick, act French.
- Oh, ho, ho! - Oui, oui! - Oh ho, bonjour.
- Viva la France! - Oh, oui, oui.
- Fromage.
(Clears throat) (In French accent) Tonight, I will claim Seaford for France.
(Cheering) We will show the world that my army cannot be stopped! (Men cheer) And once they are defeated, I will sunbathe on their golden beaches in my teeny, weenie victory bikini! (Men gagging, hacking) - What? - (Hacking continues) So maybe I'm a little pasty, but, I mean, come on, guys! They're not puking 'cause they're thinking of you sunbathing.
(Hacks, groans) I was.
I tricked your men into eating bad meat.
Ah! (Gasps) You are Americans! But when you were, "Bonjour, oui, oui, Viva la France," I totally believed you.
You got no army left, Lapew.
Surrender.
Ho, ho, ho.
You are forgetting about my elite group of soldiers who did not eat your meat.
Prepare to battle the vegetarians.
What? (Clears throat) The vege-tariens! I'm sorry, one more time.
They don't eat meat.
Oh, you mean vegetarians.
- You could have just said that.
- Ah! I so said that.
(Chuckles) Oh.
Your cookware is no match for our Powerful muskets.
(Chuckles) But first, we have to load them, so quick time-out! (Lapew humming a tune) La-da-Dee, la-da-daa.
So, how 'bout this weather we're having huh? It really is nice.
The days are just delightful.
And at night, you only need a light jacket.
Oh, yeah, so nice.
- Milton: Yeah.
- What are we gonna do? They just called time-out.
I got this.
Time in! (Gasps) I did not see that coming.
Aah! - Aah! - (Grunts) Oh, ho, ho, ho.
(Both grunt) Aah! Oh! Oh! That's it, Lapew.
It's over.
It's time to surrender.
I will never surrender.
My men and I will fight (men groan) Okay, I surrender.
You did it.
Your plan worked.
- We won.
- That's it.
- Wh oh.
- It's over.
Something's coming over me.
This victory's gotten me so excited, I think I think I want to make a noise.
Whoo! What was that? I'll tell you what that was.
That was the sound of victory.
It was the sound of liberty.
That was the "Whoo" heard 'round the world.
Jerry: Whoo! (Echoing) Australian man: Crikey, who's "whooing" at this hour? (Echoing continues) Italian man: Mamma Mia, that's a big "Whoo.
" (Echoing continues) Space alien: I think I just heard a "Whoo" come from earth.
Let's not destroy it.
Rudy: Lapew? If that's you, I just want you to know I'm really French.
(In French accent) I swear.
I am just sitting here wearing my beret, sharing a crepe with my French poodle.
Arf arf! Down, fifi! General, we did it.
We defeated the enemy.
What?! - Yeah.
- We got a letter of surrender.
We got their troops sick with the bad meat.
I wrote everything down in my secret diary.
(Scoffs) Uh, the secret should be that you're a dude with a diary.
(Laughing) Am I right? So no one has seen this diary or this letter? - Negative.
- Good.
This surrender will mean a medal of valor, a badge of honor and a red sash.
And do you know what follows that? Sash bash! Oh! I love putting on a sash and dancing the night away.
But not for you.
For me.
Arrest these traitors! - Wait, what? - What are you talking about? - But we're heroes.
- No one will ever know that but me.
Because without this, everyone will believe that I single-handedly won the war.
- Take them away.
- Are you kidding me? - Why would you?! - What?! Nate? Thank goodness you've escaped.
I'm sure your hot wife Annabelle can't wait to see you.
Guards, we have another traitor! Wow, so history got it wrong.
General Lapew was the real hero.
That's not what I said at all.
Oh.
Well, to be honest, I missed most of your story.
So cook Martinez and his men were the real heroes? That's right.
And general Douglas had them jailed so he could steal their glory.
Crowd: Boo! (Outraged murmurs) What? I'm like 1/64th related to the dude.
I mean, Milton's probably more related to Douglas than I am.
Let's get him! Jack and Milton: Rudy! As President of the historical society, I would like the record to show that we recognize general Douglas for what he was: - A traitor - (Whimpers) - a coward - (Whimpers) - and a liar.
- Uh, no no no.
I may be related to a traitor and a coward, but I earned that medal.
You know how? By eating a 40-ounce rump.
So, Milton, what are we gonna do to honor cook Martinez? I think I have an idea.
From this day forward, let the good people of Seaford know that cook Martinez was the real hero of our town.
(Cheers, applause) It's beautiful, Milton.
Your family deserves this.
It's long overdo.
And on behalf of the entire town, thanks for making this chili.
Oh, yeah, it was fun.
I just followed one of the recipes that I found in my ancestor's diary.
Oh.
This chili is great.
What's your secret? Oh, I mixed in that leftover bag of beef jerky - I found at the dojo.
- What? I found that bag of gnarly meat at the bottom of that trunk.
Dude, you just fed the entire town 200-year-old rancid meat.
- What?! - Uh Everybody, calm down.
If there was anything wrong with that meat, - we'd all be very si - (Stomachs gurgle) (Groaning) I got the first port-a-potty! I got the second port-a-potty! Lucky for me, I only had one bite.
I think I'll be okay as long as I stand - very very still.
- (Stomach gurgles) Oh! Sweet mother Moses! Help me! I'm running for the river! (Water splashes) Kickin' it with you! Annabelle, sweet Annabelle, it burdens me to tell you that your beloved husband Nate is gone.
- (Slight gasp) - The last we saw, he was taken by a large grizzly bear.
And as the general, it falls upon me to comfort you.
This is the part of the job that I hate.
Nate?! Uh ha.
Thank goodness you survived the "being wrapped in rabbit meat and thrown in a bear cave" mission.
You have earned the medal of valor.
It's waiting for you in my tent.
(Goat bleats) - (Gunshot) - (Bullet ricochets) (Nate groans) Now, where were we, Annabelle? (Theme music playing)