Last Man Standing s04e09 Episode Script

"Last Man Standing" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Okay, now I'm mad.
Mike, let it go.
Restaurants have to impose some limits on an all-you-can-eat brunch.
Well, then it's not an all-you-can-eat brunch, and I know they had more smoked salmon in the back.
This is what I'm mad about.
Girls! Girls! All the lights are on, and nobody's home.
And this time, I'm not talking about Mandy.
It's noon, and these girls left every light on in this house.
This place is more lit than the Lohan family Christmas.
Or a Lohan family Tuesday.
We're losing these incandescents.
These are very valuable to me.
Oh, honey, you got a million of them in the basement.
That's right.
I stockpiled them before the government made them illegal.
Oh, yeah.
Here we go.
Your favorite subject government overreach.
Well, why is it their job to tell me what bulbs I can use? What's next? Michelle Obama's stopping by saying you can't eat ice cream.
Oh, let her try.
Honey, these new bulbs are much more efficient.
I would think you'd embrace that.
I have a 60-year-old truck and a 30-year-old marriage.
You should be happy that I am stuck in my ways.
I do love that truck.
Hey, any idea where my 75-watt bulbs went? I don't have an idea Because I would need a light bulb for that.
If you feel a joke like that coming on again, pinch yourself so we're not the only ones in pain.
Aren't there a ton of bulbs in the basement? Those are 60s and 100 watt.
I'm looking for that perfect not too bright, not too dim.
The 75-watt bulb is like the goldilocks of incandescents.
Speaking of goldilocks, I think somebody's sitting in my chair.
I wanted a front-row seat for this riveting light-bulb banter.
I gave a few to Carol Larabee, and I don't know what wattage they were, but she was over here and admired our bulbs.
So, you just give your bulbs to anybody who ogles them? Carol said Chuck hates the curlicue ones, so I let her take a few boxes.
I didn't even think you'd notice they were gone.
Notice they were gone? I'm not talking about our kids.
I'm talking about something that lights up our home.
Hey, listen up, everybody.
Okay, so, you know how I've been missing my morning classes 'cause I'm, like, always running late? Actually, no.
Well, it's become kind of a thing with my T.
A.
S and my professors and this angry guy named Dean.
Anyways, problem solved! I found an apartment closer to campus.
What? You're moving out? - Yeah.
- Yes! My own bathroom! Mandy, this is so sudden.
Yes.
Losing Mandy will be rough, but we'll have to work through it.
Listen, if you put a wheelbarrow under your bedroom window, I'll start chucking out shoes.
I know that this seems a little out of the blue, but I've thought a lot about it, and I would really appreciate your support.
Like first and last months' rent? That kind of support? Father, I don't need your money.
I have my own clothing business, remember? I'm talking emotional support here.
Oh, good.
That's your mom's area.
All right.
We uh, Mandy, honey, can we, uh Can we just talk about this for a minute? Look, I have to move fast.
Everybody wants this place.
An old lady died in there, so it comes with cats.
Wow.
Honey, it looks like we're losing daughter number two.
Just chronologically.
Her ranking is somewhat lower than that.
Maybe if I head over to the Larabees', I can get those 75-watt bulbs back.
Mm.
You know, I guess we should have seen this day coming.
You pushed it along.
What what did I do? You gave Carol Larabee all those light bulbs.
Oh, you're still on the Mandy thing? Right, right.
My bad.
I forgot there were two life-changing losses that hit us today.
Three if you count that smoked-salmon nightmare.
Now we know how many middle-aged white dudes it takes to steal a light bulb.
I need my other 75s back.
Vanessa gave us those bulbs.
It seems like your problem is with your wife.
If you only knew.
Chuck, third period is starting! Ed? Mikey.
What's going on here? Ebony and elderly? Ed wanted to come over and watch the hockey game.
Turns out he's a big avalanche fan.
Of course he is.
He's all white and everything's sliding down.
See, that's why we didn't invite you.
Go ahead.
Make yourself at home.
Still warm.
Listen, I can only stay until the first fight.
Then I'm leaving with the rest of my 75s.
You're not getting my light bulbs, Baxter.
Everybody hates these newfangled bulbs.
Makes even the coziest home look like county lockup.
I can't have those CFL lights in my house.
The bluish cast is unflattering to my complexion.
Those pants aren't doing you any favor, either.
You know what lighting you'd look good in right now? Whatever's on over at your place.
You know, I blame your buddy in the half-white house for this stuff.
His hope and change is, "I hope to change every bulb in America.
" It was actually your boy "W" who signed the light-bulb legislation.
I believe it was somewhere between "mission accomplished" and "misunderestimated.
" Okay.
If you two hens will just stop clucking for a moment here, I can hook you up with some old-school bulbs.
Yep.
I know a guy.
His name was Thomas Edison.
He used Ed's head as the model for the light bulb.
You want the address or not? Seriously? You You you know where we can score some contraband incandescents? Mm-hmm.
Name is Chuey.
Ask for ripe strawberries.
What if he gives us strawberries? That would be pretty strange, 'cause it's a hardware store.
There you go.
Whoa.
I love what you've done with the place.
Well, you have to use your imagination.
Actually, no.
Use my imagination.
I have way better taste.
Okay.
So, I'm thinking, like, a couch goes here, a floor lamp goes, like, there.
Kyle, go be the lamp, huh? Oh, um, a little to the left, actually.
A little to the left.
Why aren't you moving? I'm a lamp, silly.
Lamps can't move.
I shouldn't even be talking.
Ryan, go be the lamp.
Wow.
All right.
Cool.
I get to be Ryan.
All right.
I'm from Canada.
I hate meat.
My hair never moves.
Okay.
You know what, Kyle? Go run to the car and get the tape measure.
We have to figure out if your bed can fit through the door.
Right.
Uh, hold up.
- The lamp has a question.
- Yes.
Why is Kyle's bed moving in to your apartment? Because if he's paying half the rent, he deserves a place to sleep.
Now can I tell Ryan that you two are moving in together? Oh, my God.
You better so he can follow what we're talking about.
Yeah, no.
That's okay.
I've connected the incredibly close-together dots.
Thank you.
Anyway, uh, congrats.
I'm really happy for you guys.
Thank you.
And in a way, I think that, you know, - I deserve a little credit.
- Why is that? Well, it's hard to picture Mike being cool with you guys living together if, you know, I hadn't paved the way with Kristin.
Yeah, it would be hard to picture that.
Um You know, if he knew.
Wait.
Mike doesn't know? Now can I tell Ryan that dad doesn't know? Oh, my God.
This is huge.
A huge mistake, okay? I keep telling her there is no way she's gonna be able to fool mom and dad about this.
And guess who's suddenly not the worst Baxter boyfriend.
This lamp.
Oh, okay.
No.
No.
It It no.
It's not funny.
No.
Because it's actually hilarious.
Will you please, please let me tell Mike? No.
Wait.
He'll probably kill the messenger.
Just let me be in the room when you tell him.
No.
Wait.
He'll probably kill me still 'cause he can't kill you.
You know what? Just film it.
I plan to tell mom and dad after Kyle and I are all settled in.
Oh, I also might take in an orphan so they'll really look like jerks if they try to stop us.
The way that Kyle worships Mike, I can't believe he's going along with this.
Going along with what? Now can Kristin tell me that you haven't told Kyle that you haven't told Mike? He's sure got a lot to say for a lamp.
Oh, I don't see any of the good stuff.
They're not gonna have the fresh strawberries out in the open.
I figured a guy like you more street smart than that.
If I was, I wouldn't have moved onto your street.
Finding everything okay? Yeah, we're, um We're looking for, uh, incandescent bulbs, 75 watts.
Sir, incandescents between 40 and 100 watts are no longer legally sold on U.
S.
soil Unless you're looking for a three-way.
We're both married men.
We're just looking for light bulbs.
Ed Alzate sent us.
We're here to speak to Chuey about some, uh Ripe strawberries.
Wait here.
Honey? Vanessa? Vanessa, hey, hey.
Oh, hi, Chuck.
Hi.
- Hi, Vanessa.
- Hi.
How are you? What are you doing at the hardware store? I'm registered here! You could find a nice Christmas gift for me.
Yeah, nothing says "Happy Birthday, Jesus" like a box of nails.
Actually, I'm looking for paint.
When Mandy moves out, I figure we'd turn her room into my office.
I was thinking we should turn it into a weight room.
Come on, Mike.
One of us should get some use out of that room.
So, what, are you here for your precious bulbs? Don't say anything.
She's probably wearing a wire.
All right.
Well, try not to get arrested.
Yeah, but if you do, I hear they have a nice weight room in prison.
I thought you were getting Chuey.
I'm Chuey.
Ed says you two check out.
I can't be too careful.
You guys look like a pair of cops from an '80s movie.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm the loose cannon, 'cause I do things my own way.
He's "by the book.
" See, he's too old for this crap.
Speaking of getting too old, do you have the berries or not? The merchandise is in my van.
Meet me in the alley in half an hour.
Oh, come on.
I am getting too old for this crap.
I'm going to a lot of trouble to make you look pretty.
Crazy-ass world.
Marijuana is legal, and here we are waiting in an alley like criminals to buy a decent light bulb.
You expect me to believe this is the only time you've ever done business in an alley? Of course not.
You know, I do most of my shopping here.
It's where I get my pimp chalices and mustard-colored suits.
So, Vanessa said Mandy's moving out.
Looks that way.
What's a pimp chalice? About $40.
Is she staying in town? No, no.
Something close enough to campus and far enough away from us that she can move in with her boyfriend.
Oh.
I wish I could have seen your face when she told you that.
She didn't tell me that.
I figured it out myself.
I mean, Kyle's gonna be there 24/7.
She's smart enough to charge the guy rent.
So, well well, let's break this down.
You got one kid shacking up, another with a baby daddy, and a third playing football.
Your family's blacker than mine, Baxter.
Maybe I should borrow that pimp chalice.
So, how you doing with this whole Mandy business? Well, I'm waiting in an alley for a guy named Chuey, so I guess I'm still figuring it out.
I see.
So you went looking for some sage advice from your much smarter friend Chuck Larabee.
Well, I was hoping to get advice from the light-bulb guy, but he's just taking too long.
On the one hand, I could wreck this whole thing with Mandy and make Kyle's life a living hell.
And on the other hand? Oh, I'm still enjoying that first hand.
If I get in the middle of this, I end up losing Mandy and my weight room.
Kids grow up, man.
They do what they want.
Yeah.
You know, Brandon wants to go to Florida state next year.
Young black man walking around Florida? I don't think so.
Plus it's a lousy school.
Yeah.
Maybe he'll wise up.
Not at Florida state, he won't.
Life's changing way too fast for me, Baxter.
I hear you.
Well, there's an old van.
It's got to be him.
If we get busted, I don't know what I'm gonna tell my wife.
If we get busted, you're gonna be somebody else's wife.
Dad? Well, he's not here, so we can come back another time.
See? No.
Okay.
We're gonna wait for him.
I'm not comfortable going through with this until I know it's okay with Mr.
B.
Fine.
Okay.
I'm gonna go grab a sweater.
I liked you better as a lamp.
Well, well, well.
Oh, hi, Eve.
I heard a lot of nervous chitter-chat.
What's the mystery, shaggy? Uh, yeah, Mandy and I have something to talk to your dad about, but I really shouldn't say anything without her.
It's too bad, 'cause I was kind of hoping we could do this the easy way.
Take a seat.
We might be here a while.
Yeah.
Okay.
Uh, Mandy does take a long time to pick out a sweater.
Oh, hey.
What are you doing? I was just uh, just thinking of painting your room.
When you're gone, I thought this could either be my office or your dad's weight room.
So we'll compromise, and it'll be your dad's weight room.
Unless you've changed your mind about moving.
Sorry, mom.
It's time.
But don't worry.
This will always be my home.
I can't believe you just said that.
You know what? That's that's exactly what I said to my parents when I left for Ohio State.
Yeah, I-I told my mom that I'd be back, that, uh that our family home would always be my home, but, um You know what? I never lived there again.
Oh, I don't know.
You might go back, mom.
No.
It's a Pizza Hut now, so No.
Won't go back.
My little Mandy.
Gosh, my little Mandy moving out.
Remember when I bought you this? Mm-hmm.
Your first big-girl bed, huh? I also remember buying you that that fuzzy pink comforter that went with it.
Yeah.
I remember.
That's the first time you used the word "receipt.
" Mom, I'm sorry if I was a pain.
Mommy.
You are not a pain.
And you know what I love? What? I love how you have always known exactly what you want and you are not afraid to go get it.
Thanks.
But, um I have to admit, I am I am a little worried about you living out there alone.
Gosh, I'd almost feel better if you had a-a dog or a roommate or, um or even Kyle living there with you.
Kyle.
Yeah.
That's so crazy.
That's like a totally crazy, out-there idea.
Yeah.
What? But you know what? You've never been wrong before.
I, um oh, except regarding that comforter.
Yeah.
Oh, what am I saying? Oh, my God.
Your father would go ballistic.
Um, but he would probably get over it eventually, right? Oh, well, maybe, but Kyle would be dead by then, so I what's the point, right? Yeah.
Yeah.
Come on, Kyle.
You're not a sneaky, secret-keeping guy.
You'll feel better getting this off your chest.
You're right.
I-I don't like lying to people.
And it has been weighing on me.
Here it comes the sweet song of the canary.
Mandy and I are moving in together.
Whoa.
Now I need to sit down.
Yeah.
I'm a little nervous about telling Mr.
B.
I mean, he's got a super-high opinion of me.
Well, you should be worried.
I mean, my dad thinks you're the kind of guy who would buy the cow rather than try to get the milk for free.
Yeah.
I-I don't really want a cow, but I guess if one needed a home He's gonna be really disappointed in you.
He really thinks you're one of the good ones.
I am.
At least, I was.
All right, Kyle.
Let's go.
We can talk to my dad another time, like in a year.
Well, what's the hurry? Don't you want to share the good news? What's the good news? These two are planning to shack up.
Are you serious? You told her? Wait.
You and Kyle are living together? Yeah, it just sounded like such a good idea when you suggested it.
Two minutes ago? Yeah.
It was that good.
Actually, Mandy, can I talk to you for a second? Eve got me thinking, and I can't move in with you.
I'm sorry.
Wow.
That was a really rotten thing to do, Eve.
You got Kyle thinking.
So, long story short, Mandy had this sneaky plan, but then Eve made Kyle feel guilty and he bailed.
So I guess you won't be getting your weight room.
Well, since it didn't work out, you can now use the space for your office.
Ah.
You know, I hated to think of Mandy leaving.
Honey, she can't live here forever.
Although, when we saw her test scores from grade school, we thought maybe We can't fight change, babe.
Well, you did.
I mean, you got your incandescents.
This is just a matter of time.
Chuey says they're running out of incandescents.
Who's Chuey? A metaphor for everything that's wrong with America.
Well, ironically, Eve is the one who wanted Mandy gone, and she's the one who blew it up.
She really shot herself in the foot.
I don't think so.
She's a better shot than that.
So, sounds like you'll be sharing a bathroom again, huh? Yeah.
I was so looking forward to having a dry towel after I shower.
Now it's back to rolling around like a dog on the bathmat.
I, uh, share a bathroom with your mom.
On occasion, I've dried myself off with a q-tip.
You know what? It occurs to me, after hearing this story, that if you really wanted Mandy to leave, all you had to do was to keep quiet.
Well, what can I say? I screwed up.
Did you screw up, or do you really like having your sister here? Borrowing her sweaters, watching stupid TV shows, making fun of her for watching stupid TV shows.
That's not me.
You're talking about yourself, old man.
I don't borrow her sweaters, except that black cashmere which goes with everything.
Listen, honey, just like when Kris left, Mandy's gonna leave, and I think it's a good idea to appreciate people while they're still here.
Um I think you're the one who'd miss her, dad.
I think we'll both miss her.
I'm just the one that'll say it.
I cannot believe that you bailed on me just because you're afraid of my dad.
It is not because I'm afraid of your dad.
I just don't think it's the right thing to do.
When we move in together, I want everyone to be really happy for us, especially me.
And I'm also afraid of your dad.
Hang on, Kyle.
Yeah, what is it, snoop? Um I just wanted to say that I'm glad you're not moving out because I love you and I'd miss you.
Mandy? Hello? Are you okay? Um I'm okay, but I think Eve might be dying.