Maron (2013) s04e09 Episode Script

1 Ah, the only thing that could make this moment better would be a blow job.
Yeah, I'm not doing that.
["The Poisoned Well" plays.]
Dave: [Chuckles.]
All right, that's a good joke.
Why does Gareth have that? I'm gonna take that.
How did I screw up my life this bad? I have the setup and the punch line.
The first time I got hooked, I was a kid.
I mean, what's my excuse now? I'm like over a half a century old.
You know, I look at the dailies, and Gareth is never funny.
I should just fire him.
Hey! I'm having a crisis here, asshole.
What do you want me to do about it? I don't know.
You seem to have pulled it off.
You used to be the one guy the one guy more miserable than me.
Yeah.
It's all Nina.
She changed everything.
Yeah? Yeah.
I didn't even realize it until the third date.
We, uh We went to Carousel, and, uh and she's getting snippy with the waiter.
And then, you know, I was like, "What, are you on the rag?" And, uh, she just looks at me, and she punches me right in the nose.
Wait, she what? It was this searing pain, and I had blood all over my shirt.
And And everyone in the restaurant started staring at me.
It was humiliating and, uh [chuckles.]
exciting.
That's very weird.
Yeah, you know what's weirder? I came in my pants.
I had this big spot of blood on my shirt and a big spot of jizz right where wherever jizz comes out.
Mm-hmm.
So, wait So your advice for me is to find an anti-Semitic brain surgeon who will hit me so hard that I will blow my load in the jeans I never wash.
Yeah, good luck with that, man.
- Yeah.
- It took me like a lifetime to find that.
Uh-huh.
[Indistinct conversations.]
[Loudly.]
On the way out, stack your chairs.
The church will take away our meeting space if you don't stack your chairs.
I don't know, man.
I'm in a dark place.
Utter despair.
It's like a like a pit or a tunnel.
Maybe they're connected, and I I just don't see me getting out.
[Chuckles.]
I hear you, man.
You're stuck.
That's it? That's all you got? You're my sponsor.
I'm in pain.
You should see a therapist.
No, I'm not doing that.
All right, fine.
You don't want to help yourself, then help someone else.
Be of service.
Okay, I'll do therapy.
I don't even have insurance, though.
Oh, not a problem.
They have a program where they hook you up with a counselor who's getting their accreditation.
Sliding scale.
You pay what you can.
Wait, so a student? I don't want a student.
He's got to be better than me, right? I'm right there.
Why am I the only one doing this? So, it was like I woke up with this giant beard, like Rip Van Winkle.
And I'd lost an entire year of my life and everything I'd worked for.
Do you comprehend the horror of that? I do.
Do you? 'Cause you're like 12.
I mean, you know, I'm I'm I'm just laying a lot of heavy shit on you, and I-I-I don't know if you have the life experience to really relate.
Obviously, I'm young [chuckles.]
but I'm trained to understand a lot of stuff.
Do you Are you trained to use the word "stuff"? Or is there is there a synonym maybe you could use to make me feel confident in your abilities? We don't need to get into my training.
I think we do.
Because I'm I'm I'm screwed up as it is.
You know, I don't need you to screw me up more just 'cause you need practice.
Let's get back to what you said about your parents.
You know what, let's talk about your parents.
You still living with them? I mean, I-I-I don't mean that as a slam 'cause you're a good guy, but I bet you have a lot of debt, right? You don't need to worry about my debt.
Because you Millennials got a lot of debt.
My debt is under control.
It's okay, all right? It's It's fine.
Hmm I think we hit a nerve.
Okay, same time next week? I don't know, man.
I don't know if this is a good fit.
Maybe Maybe there's something I could just read.
Do you have any textbooks you haven't finished? You know, something 101-ish? Okay, you know what, this is getting abusive! - I can get my hours some other way.
- Uh-huh.
Marc.
Steph?! Oh, my God! Holy shit.
What are you doing here? I'm sorry.
I don't mean to pry, but I No, it's okay.
I-I work here.
Yeah.
I'm a psychologist now.
In fact, I'm I'm Glenn's adviser.
Wow.
That's amazing.
I mean, I can't You always wanted to do that.
That's You look great.
[Chuckles.]
I mean, how long has it been? Like 15 years? Yeah, just about.
Yeah.
- I like the, uh I like the mustache.
- Mm.
How do you guys know each other? Steph is my ex-wife.
Oh! Like, my first ex-wife.
Yeah, not the one he was in love with.
The other one.
Oh.
Okay.
Nice digs.
Yeah, this is where I work.
It's cozier than a garage.
Yeah, well, the garage was a while ago.
I'm kind of a gypsy now.
Yeah, I heard.
Are things getting better? I'm working on it, Steph.
That's why I'm seeing that kid down the hall.
Do you have kids? Yeah, these are mine.
This is Cooper and Landon.
Oh, beautiful.
Are they girls, guys? They're boys, Marc.
Why are you saying it like that? Look at that.
How do you How would I know? - Give it to me.
They're four years old.
- Yeah.
I've been married for 10 years, and this is Alex, my husband.
He's a lawyer.
Yeah.
I-I got to say I'm very happy for you that you have all this.
Thank you.
Because, you know, I was a little worried, you know, when I dumped you that that I ruined your life.
[Chuckling.]
No.
You made it better.
But there was probably a couple years there that were pretty brutal and you suffered a lot.
No.
A couple months were probably bad, though, right? No.
Could you just throw me a bone, all right? [Laughs.]
How's your dad? Did he find a way to make you feel even worse about your relapse? Well, actually, he could not do that because I didn't have an address for a while.
You know what? I'm staying at, uh, Dave's now.
- Dave Anthony? - Yep.
Wow, I-I-I always thought there was something incredibly - creepy about him.
- Mm.
No, he h-he's one of the reasons I became a psychologist.
That guy had so many diagnosable disorders.
What do you mean, "had"? - Oh! - Give me a list.
- Give me a list.
- Oh, come on.
I mean, you start with the obvious, right? I mean, he's borderline.
He's a sociopath.
He He definitely has intermittent explosive disorder.
Hold on, hold on.
Let me Hold on.
Let me Let me get my phone.
I want to make notes.
I want to make notes.
Hold on.
Okay.
All right, what what was it intermittent - Explosive disorder.
- Ooh.
[Soft music plays.]
So, Steph, huh? It's been a while.
How's her face holding up? What? She looks good.
What about her ass? David! Was it, like, normal down to the waist and then just a couple of saddlebags? No.
She looks really good.
It was great seeing her.
You know, thinking back on it, I think she was really, like, the only one that got me, you know? I get you, David.
And I get you, my love.
But, like, really got me, you know? Like, deep down.
I don't regret cheating on her 'cause Michelle was so hot.
But Steph is a great person.
You think Steph still remembers me? She definitely does, David.
She thinks you're amazing.
So, my treasure, how was work today? The usual.
Got some notes, did some punch-up.
That must have been heaven 'cause we all know how much you like getting punched up, right? You told him? Why would you say that? I don't know.
You abused my trust, David.
I know.
Okay, I-I think I'm gonna call it a night.
[Clears throat.]
How are you gonna fix this, David? Oh, I've been very bad.
Oh, yeah, I'm going to bed.
Okay.
[Sighs.]
[Water running.]
[Indistinct talking.]
[Moaning.]
- Nina: Tell me you like it dry.
- Dave: I like it dry.
- Yeah.
- [Moaning.]
- Ooh, you like that? - Ohh, yeah.
- Take it, baby.
- Yeah.
- Take it.
- I'm taking it.
Dave: [Moaning.]
Nina: How do you like that, you little bitch? Oh, no.
No, I think it's in too far.
I'll tell you when it's in too far.
Ohh, no! No, seriously.
It's It's too deep.
- Huh? - Mommy! Okay.
Oh, now it's nice.
Mommy's here for you.
I-I guess the best analogy that I can give is that I'm stuck in the bottom of a well.
You know, like, that one in that "Batman" movie with that Bane guy, and it's cold and dark and it's like a mile deep.
And every once in a while, I get the energy to try to climb out and I climb up a few feet and the wall's too wet and I slide back down and I just sit in this awful place.
And And my worry is that, you know, I'm just getting too comfortable there, you know? I mean, aside from Dave, who's a husk, I have no real connection you know, people, not my family, not my brother.
You know, technically, I have a kid out there somewhere in the world who's never even gonna know that I existed.
I don't know.
It It For me, it's not really about using anymore.
It's like how do I pass the time until I die? Yeah.
Hey, Ger.
Hey, man.
Good share.
Very uplifting.
Thanks.
Felt good.
Hey, you want to get something to eat or something? Yeah, thanks.
I'm not hungry.
Wait, you're not hungry? I already told you, man, I'm over the whole pity-party thing.
G-Go help someone.
Hey, Fernando, you need help with those chairs? No.
No, come on.
Let me just help you.
No, I got it.
I got it.
My issue isn't even about using anymore.
It's really about how am I gonna pass the time until I die? I see.
Are you crying, dude? No, it's just You're so depressed.
But we're going to work through this.
That's my job.
That's what I do.
That's what I want to do.
You don't sound that confident.
So, do you think you want to make this your usual time? Because last time I got the feeling, like, you weren't interested.
No, no, buddy.
You're doing fine.
Don't beat yourself up.
What gives you the impression I was beating myself up? What's up, doc? Bet you get that a lot.
Marc.
Hey.
Hey.
I just had a, uh, session down the hall with the boy wonder there.
Yeah, I don't know about that guy.
You know, I mean, he's earnest, but I'm not really a starter-level patient, you know? I'm more of a master class.
Give it time.
I don't know, I'm just I just I just have this, uh, this this feeling, you know? Like, um like I'm at the bottom of a well.
That's something you really, really should talk to Glenn about.
And given our history, I really don't think that it's right place - to have the conversation.
- All All right, all right, yeah, no, no, no, no, no.
You're right.
You're right.
You're right.
I-It's just that you know me so well.
I did know you well, Marc, a long time ago.
All right, well, just answer this.
Do people get better? Yeah, absolutely.
They do.
What What about me? W-Will I get better? I don't even know how to answer that question, Marc.
It's It's It's I just You know, j-just spare me the bullshit, Steph! All right, you see people.
All right, some get better.
Some don't.
I mean, I'm sure there are patterns.
You know everything about me.
Can someone like me, with my set of problems, learn to be happy? It doesn't matter how well I know you, Marc.
- It's not my place - All right, just answer the question, Steph! - Can I be happy?! - No! All right?! No! Is that what you want me to say? Wow.
Really, Marc, there's manic depression in your family.
You were raised by wolves.
You're a drug addict.
People who fit that profile generally do not change.
Okay.
So this is it for me.
Thank you.
All right, well, I'm just gonna, uh, yeah Uh Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Hey, Marc.
Oh, hey.
Dave's not home yet.
Yeah, he's shooting some scene tonight.
Apparently he's friends with Ray Romano in an episode.
It sounds stupid.
Yeah, it does sound stupid.
Are you okay? You look terrible.
Ahh I I just I just don't think there's any hope for me.
Aw.
Pathetic.
Yeah, pretty pathetic.
Say it.
Say you're pathetic.
I-I think I kind of just did.
Say it, you worthless piece of shit.
You want to feel better? Say you're pathetic.
I'm pathetic.
I do feel better.
That's pretty good.
Now lick my shoe.
What? Clean it.
Clean it with your filthy tongue.
I-I don't see how that's gonna help.
Lick it, you Jewish piece of shit! You make me sick.
Now do the heel, you vile, little man.
Huh? [Moans.]
Yeah, lick it.
[Garbled.]
I was hoping I wouldn't like this.
You know, since I've been working on my show, I haven't had, like, a cookie or cake, any kind of dessert.
When this thing is over, they're gonna find me face-down in, like, a platter of cookies, ice cream all over my face.
I got to get something off my chest, man.
What? Um, I was depressed, and, uh, I had a bad therapy session.
And I think your wife was trying to help me, - but I don't I don't know - What happened? I licked her shoe.
What? A lot.
I licked her shoe a lot.
Why would you do that? What the hell is wrong with you? I was way out of line, man.
I'm sorry.
Jesus Christ! It was Nothing else happened, man.
I swear.
Nothing else happened?! I would rather you put your dick in her vagina than lick her shoe! - Really?! - That's my job! My shoe! All right, well, I-I can't apologize enough, man.
I mean, I'll move out if you want me to move out.
I got nowhere to go, but I'll move out.
I've never been this humiliated ever.
[Scoffs.]
Oh she's good.
So, uh, okay? [Sighs.]
I'm so hard right now.
All right.
You licked her shoe? I don't know what happened.
It was It was weird.
What would compel you to do that? That's what you're supposed to tell me, isn't it? It must be really low self-esteem? Really low.
You know, this was a mistake.
Maybe I got to find somebody else to talk to.
Good luck.
Geez.
Don't seem so relieved.
[Sighs.]
What a puss.
Oh, Marc, Marc, hold up.
- Oh.
- Wait, please.
Look, I'm sorry, Steph, all right? I'm not gonna bother you anymore.
All right? Just have a good life, okay? Listen, no I know you're upset, and I just want to talk.
- Can we talk, please? - All right.
- Listen, I - No, no, no, wait.
Just wait.
I treated you so badly back then, and and you didn't deserve it.
Thank you.
I You know what, I know you feel really bad about it.
It It was just It was just that Michelle had this thing, you know? Like, like, physically, she was she was stunning.
And And she was a writer, and that was pretty cool, - and - Okay, I-I-I-I get it.
And she said no one could make her laugh like I did.
Would you just stop? Really, it's enough.
You're right.
You're right.
I'm an asshole.
- I-I don't know what I was thinking.
- Ohh, look, I-I am I am really not proud of what I said yesterday.
It was wrong.
It was wrong professionally.
It was wrong personally.
It was just wrong all around.
What? I just I was lashing out, Marc, okay? I-I still have feelings of resentment over over how our marriage ended.
Hmm.
So I'm gonna be all right? Yeah, just just keep doing your work.
- You're gonna be fine.
- [Sighs.]
Okay.
All right, I'm I'm just trying to figure this out.
So So when I left, you were kind of devastated? Ohh! Yes! Okay?! Yes! It was painful.
It was horrible.
I-I have no idea why this is so important to you.
I-I don't know.
I-I-I guess I just I just want to know that I mattered.
Ohh, you're such a goddamn narcissist.
You know that? Michelle used to say that about me.
Okay.
Goodbye, Marc.
So I'm gonna get better? Well, you can't get any worse.
Okay.
I'm gonna get better.
Yeah, we'll see.
Ohh, whoops.
I'm sorry.
I'm just I didn't know you guys were doing your thing.
Grab a sponge and help this pig.
No, no, we don't need help.
Hey, did I say "talk," fat ass?! No.
Keep scrubbing.
Okay.
You psychopaths enjoy each other.
I'm going to my room.
[Screaming.]
Uhh!