Mork and Mindy (1978) s04e09 Episode Script

Na-no, na-no.
All right, you've seen what we did to him.
Now, tell me where the others are hiding.
Somehow that makes me so excited.
Hold on.
There we go.
And the crowning touch.
Finished at last.
More than one way to make a child eat healthy food.
Today a vegetable snowman, tomorrow a liver collie.
Oh, Mearth, Mearth, look what Daddy made especially for you.
Yes! Oh, sweetheart, stop crying, it's all right.
No, it isn't all right.
It isn't.
I don't have any friends.
None at all.
Nobody will play with me.
I feel just like George Steinbrenner.
Son, wait! Wait, you haven't even seen what happens when I add the gravy.
Poor little guy.
He was having such a good time in the park on the sled hill - and then he tried to get on toboggan - Wait a minute.
You went to the sled hill and you didn't take me? Will you let me finish please? He tried to get on the toboggan, and when he did, the parents pulled all their kids off.
They thought he was a man.
Oh, Mork, you should've seen the look on his face.
He's starting to realize he's different.
You're right, Mind.
I guess he doesn't buy our story about being just big-boned, huh? Well, it's time to tell him that he's half-Orkan - and half an Earthling.
- Wait a minute.
He still might be too young to accept it, Mork.
Let's just wait till he's older or younger.
Or Whatever.
Oh, come on now, Mind, he can accept it.
He's half a superior being.
I mean look at me, I'm an alien and I have made a remarkable adjustment.
You see Do I smell salad burning? Probably.
Oh, I forgot to baste it.
It's not a pretty picture, but, you know, it's homemade.
I should never cook on medication.
Oh, Mork.
Let's just try to protect him for a while longer.
He's just a child.
Daddy, could I borrow one of your new razor blades? The reason I ask is mine are all dull from trying to sharpen my crayons.
Oh, surely, son.
See, I wanna get this real clean, so that I can play with the kids, or they in turn will play with me.
You know, solitaire is a game, but it's not a way of life.
- Maybe now is the time to tell him.
- You're right, Mind.
This is a very delicate situation.
We have to choose the words very carefully.
What's that? Well, the title is Rejection Descending a Staircase.
It's my blue period.
Oh, don't feel that way, sweetheart.
You have Mommy and Daddy.
Not just Mommy and Daddy, it's Mommy and Daddy and Señor Goodnews.
Señor Goodnews has something he wants to tell you, doesn't he, Daddy? He sure does, Mind.
What about that, Señor Goodnews? Why should I? He's your child.
Take responsibility.
Oh-ho-ho.
- One of you tell him.
- All right.
Tell you what, let's take a vote.
What do you vote for? I vote for the shiksa queen.
Me too.
It's unanimous.
Are you chickening out? You got it, sweet shorts.
Mearth, sweetheart, have you ever noticed that you aren't exactly like all the other kids? Of course.
For instance, the other day in the market, I was the only kid that couldn't get in the wire basket.
Mearth, sweetheart, the reason is, you see The reason is, son, me.
You see, I'm not exactly a hometown boy.
I'm not even in the ballpark, as they say.
I'm from another planet.
No! Stop that, Daddy.
Stop it, you mustn't You mustn't kid around like that with me, especially when I'm your only child.
Sweetheart, Daddy isn't kidding.
Maybe Mommy can explain it better.
Look over here, Mearth.
See, Mommy's using visual aids.
She's telling the story really well.
That's the letter O.
This is the planet Earth.
You were born here and so was I.
And way over here, millions and millions of miles away, - is the planet Ork.
- Yes, you see.
Ork, the "Show Me" planet.
I flew all the way from Ork back here to Earth.
I don't know.
I just don't like the tone of this conversation.
Son, you see, I was sent here to observe.
- Si? - Yes, si, observe.
And I met your mother and she couldn't keep her hands off me, and the rest is history.
And that means that you're half-Orkan and half-Earthling.
Is that why I'm different from the rest of the kids? Well, just for a little while.
But pretty soon you'll look like them because you see, the Orkan part of you is aging backwards so you're getting smaller.
And the older you get, the younger you'll look, just like Lena Horne.
See how unique you are, sweetheart? I'm not unique.
I'm a freak.
Kids call me Butchie, the dog-faced boy.
Oh, sweetheart, don't you ever think that.
You know, on Ork, all the kids look just like you.
And someday Daddy's gonna take us there.
Well, why can't he take us there now? Well, we can't go there now, sweetheart, because you live here with us and Grandma and Grandpa.
And me with these little, stupid balls on my head.
Why me? Why do I have to be different? Well, being different isn't bad.
Come on now, son, look.
Look at the good side.
You'll never have to do jury duty, you'll never have a vaccination mark.
And you can do wonderful neato things like this.
Watch.
- No, no.
Stop it.
Stop it.
No.
- Mork, you're scaring him.
Mearth, sweetheart, I know it's hard for you to understand now, but later you'll see that you're very unique and there's no one else like you in the whole universe.
Yeah.
We love you, little half-and-half pint.
I don't know.
This has all gotten terribly heavy for me all of a sudden.
I have to be alone, that's all.
I have to be alone.
Okay, well, we'll be downstairs if you need us, all right? Okay.
Poor Mearth.
Probably harder for him to understand than an episode of Hill Street Blues.
Don't.
Mind, I love it when you wear just the hat.
Animal.
Oh.
Mearth, breakfast time! Come and get it, come on now.
- Mind! Mind, he's not there.
- What? What? He's gone.
This was on his bed.
Oh, no.
Mork, I knew we shouldn't tell him he's an alien.
- Mearth's run away.
- Let's be calm now.
I'll go out and look for him and you stay here in case he comes back.
- How you gonna know where to look? - Be brave, little "pooter.
" We Orkans have an incredible way of communicating with each other.
Don't you worry about a thing.
Mearth! Mearth! Where the hell are you? No one's ever gonna be able to fill my kid's shoes.
If they had these on the Titanic, four more people would have lived.
Oh, Mork, we've looked everywhere.
We just can't find him.
- We're gonna have to call the police.
- Oh, no way, Mind.
If they find out he's our child, they'll lock us up.
And I'm not that eager to see a Johnny Cash concert.
Did you find him? - Yes and no.
- What do you mean? The airport, I saw him at the airport.
If he wandered in the coffee shop, he's probably still waiting for service.
- Come on, Mind, let's go.
- No, no, no.
He's with those cult people in the black robes.
The Utopians? Yes, they wouldn't let me speak to him.
A cop told me Mearth was a grown man and could do whatever he wanted to.
Next thing I knew, they were driving him away in a van.
Mind, come on, let's put the pedal to the metal, hop in the Jeep and go find Mearth.
Mork, it's not gonna be that easy.
Remember when I did that piece on the Utopians? Yes, and they'll brainwash people until they'll give up everything.
Even their identities.
Oh, sounds like a cult we had on Ork called the Rosorryians.
They try, but they can't get the stains out of your dry cleaning.
Well, if we can't call the police, what are we gonna do? We're gonna take action because nothing's gonna stop me from finding my child, except for one thing, I don't know where he is.
The Utopians have a retreat up in the mountains not too far from here.
But it's protected like a fortress with barbed wire and guard dogs.
Sounds like it'd be easier to get James Watt into the Sierra Club.
The only thing we can do is to try and break him out ourselves.
Mindy, that sounds dangerous and I'm gonna go with you.
No, Dad, you'd really be better if you'd stay here by the phone.
He might call.
And if we're not back by midnight, turn off the Crock-Pot.
All right, Mind, haul tush, haul tush.
Utopians, welcome our new brother.
Baba Swell has taken his first steps to a life of eternal devotion, which reminds me, our love is strong, but candle sales, they're slipping.
Now I want everyone to go their separate ways and meditate on the color green.
You know something, Baba Hope, you talk pretty.
Now, Baba Swell, it is time for you to rid yourself of all your worldy possessions.
Jewelry, money, second-trust deeds? I really don't have any of those things, but I have Bonzo.
He's thin.
That's because I stepped on him about a half a dozen times.
- Is that all? - Not quite.
I have a half a yo-yo.
It's a yo.
Never mind.
You go, continue training with your love broom.
Eventually you'll get your full heart and graduate to busboy on steak night.
I don't believe I caught your name.
My name is Baba Gentle.
I knew it.
Baba Gentle.
Bye-bye, Bonzo.
Bye-bye, yo.
Some outsider tried to interfere with us taking him at the airport.
To avoid any trouble, we're shipping him out tonight to our Oregon retreat.
We have a worker convert and we're keeping him.
Mork, come on.
I'm in.
I can't, Mind, I've got my hem caught in a sprinkler head.
Ow! Why couldn't we have gotten those designer robes with the slit up the side? Shh! Let's just find Mearth and get out of here.
You check up the stairs and I'll look through here.
Mind, Mind.
I've got a better idea.
You check down here and I'll hide under your robe.
I'm just as scared as you are, but we gotta think about Mearth.
- Right.
Who? - Somebody's coming.
Shh.
So that's what happened to our old anchorman.
Let's get these robes back or there's gonna be one judge looking real casual.
You sweep up in here.
I will go feed the love attack dogs.
Goody, goody, Baba Gentle.
And say hello to Baba Bow-wow for me, will you? Mearth, don't scream, it's us.
Mommy and Daddy, I'm not Mearth anymore.
No, I'm Baba Swell.
Everybody here loves me.
I went out to the airport, you see, to try to get some flights to Ork.
There were no flights.
Who came along but the Babas to save me.
They were good to me.
This place is like Utopia, you understand, except the food.
Ugh.
All right, sweetheart, Mommy knows all about this place and it's not what you think.
Come on, we're taking you home.
I can't, I can't.
I can't go.
I can't.
You see, I'm Baba's love child.
Oh, no, Mork.
They've gotten to him.
What will we do? It's all right, Mind.
I can deprogramme him.
So Baba Love loves you, huh? Well, where was Baba Love when you had that cold, huh? Hmm? Did Baba Love take you to the park and teach you how to eat string cheese and, enh, like that? - No.
- Shh.
Come on, it's time to go now.
I can't.
I want you meet my friends.
Wait, wait, I want you to meet my friends.
- No, we can't.
- Mearth, Mearth! - What's going on here? - Anybody order a Zen pizza? He was trying to take me home and I just Outsiders.
Seize them! Easy, easy, please, be gentle with them, be gentle.
- Let go! - Ow! Is this the way you treat emissaries of Baba Love? If you're emissaries, why are your robes different from ours? Well, these are our away uniforms.
This is an outrage! We bring you a special message from Baba Love.
Yes, yes, ditto.
Children, perhaps this is the dental plan we've all been chanting for.
- What is it? - What is it? Yes.
Tell them what it is, Baba Loo.
Thank you, thank you, Baba Pooter.
Baba Love sends his love and so does his brother Bubba, who plays for the Green Bay Packers.
You know, Baba Love not only sends his love because Baba Love is love.
Score now, love-love.
I want to talk about love just for a moment.
We know that love is a wonderful thing.
It is a powerful thing.
And sometimes it is misspelled by girls dancing at Grateful Dead concerts, going "Love, look it love.
" We know We know that this can be a meaningful experience.
But love is no substitute for recreation.
What Baba Love wants to plan for the 80s is a new concept: Play! Yes, let's put the fun back in fundamentalism.
You know what I'm saying? Because now, we're going to have the first annual Baba Love Scavenger Hunt! They're lying! Utopians don't go on scavenger hunts.
You dare doubt the word of Baba Love? Oh, make two lines now.
Let's put together a little human car wash.
Okay, ladies, there we are.
We must decide what we are going to look for on our scavenger hunt.
Okay? Here's a list of things we'll all be looking for.
Number one, one burning or badly-charred bush.
One Also, one partially hidden truth, some new or used karma, anything else you can find, one copy of The Prophet autographed by Shaun Cassidy, uh, one pair of Naugahyde women's panties.
Now, first couple back wins a dinner for two at Baba Love's House of Prayer and Ribs.
So good luck, happy hunting and be here now, if not, get there later.
Don't move! Whoa.
You're really generating some negative energy here.
I think what you need is a sign from Baba Love.
Whoa! Heh.
You got it.
All you Baba's, A through M, follow me.
The rest are on your own.
- Wait a minute, Mearth.
- I'm going on a scavenger hunt.
Bup-bup-bup.
Mearth, we just wanna talk to you for a minute.
But I wanna catch up with them.
I don't wanna be left behind.
Mearth, Mearth, why did you run away? Well, because I was an alien.
The kids wouldn't play with me and I finally I finally found a place where everybody was the same.
So you wanna be just like everybody else, huh? Well, Mearth, that's an easy thing to do.
That's very safe.
But being different, well, that takes a lot of courage.
All right, you can stay here and never have to think, or make a decision for yourself.
Or you can go out and go to the real world and have joyous confrontations with hypocrisy, violence, nuclear holocaust, and over-bearing sales people.
Yes, Daddy's right.
There are a lot of bad things, but mostly there's good in the world.
Oh, please come home, Mearth.
No one could ever love you as much as us.
We love you for who you are.
- That's right.
- Yes, but who am I? You're Mearth McConnell, our son.
You want me to come home? For sure? - Yes.
- Okay, can I keep the robe? - Yes.
- Can I go on the scavenger hunt? - No.
- No.
Just testing.
Bye-bye, broom.
Boy, it's sure good to be back in my little warm egg again.
Good night, sweetheart.
And remember, if you ever have problems, you can come to us.
You don't have to run away.
We're your family.
Thank you, Mommy.
Good night, son.
Oh.
Oh.
- Go to sleep.
- I will.
Oh, Mork, it's so nice to have him back.
And it's great to be a family again.
Oh, Mind, it's so nice now that he knows he's an alien too.
Think of all the wonderful things I can teach him.
I mean, teach him to sit on his face, drink with his finger, the old Orkan songs.
Mommy hates to be a killjoy, but it's too late for Orkan stereo.
Good night, Mearth.
Big kiss.
Why'd you cut us off, Mind? There was a part for you in the musical.
Mork calling Orson, come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson, come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson, come in, O Pudgy Potentate.
Mork, is that who I think it is? Oh, yes, sir, it's the universe's one and only Mearth McConnell.
Sir, it's been a very difficult week for Mearth because Mindy and I had to try and explain the truth about his heritage.
He must have been devastated to find out he was half-Earthling.
Oh, no, sir, au contraire, it's the other way around, you see.
Finally he learned to accept his birthright and his heritage and the fact he can't order off the children's menu.
- Very commendable, Mork.
- Thank you, sir.
Now, let me say na-no to the little fellow.
Oh, certainement, sir.
Mearth, come down here and say hello to your godfather, the big O.
Na-no, sir.
It's an honor to meet you, sir.
Na-no, Mearth.
I see you make up in manners what your father lacks.
You better believe it, Fatso.
What? Pardon me, sir.
It's nap time.
We'd better be running along.
Until next week, Thunder Thighs, Mork and Mearth signing off.
Na-no.
Na-no.
- Fatso? - I called that guy