My Family (2000) s04e09 Episode Script

One for you.
And one for you.
One for you.
- And one for you.
- Oh, look.
Here's a postcard from Bill and Joyce.
They're having a lovely time in Lowestoft.
The weather's a bit changeable, oh, and you'll love this.
They tried to visit the local museum but the sign on the door said, "Closed for the summer.
" Who are Bill and Joyce? I've no idea.
It's addressed to Mr and Mrs Preston across the road.
Susan, do you mind? I've read this paragraph three times.
- There's a letter from Janey.
- Hmm.
- I wonder why she didn't just call.
- Cos then she'd have to talk to you.
Look, please, this is the only chance I've got to read the paper.
She says she's got a part-time job.
To supplement her student loan.
Look.
Student loan.
Susan, have you seen what job this is? Don't worry.
She says it's very artistic and the customers aren't allowed to touch them.
- Dad? - What? I got an A in my geography project.
Good.
It's on subsistence farming in West Africa.
Do you want to read it? Sure.
Yeah.
Just leave it on the coffee table.
It's been on the coffee table for three weeks.
Mum's read it.
She can give me edited highlights tonight in bed.
- Nick's read it.
- I won't spoil the twist at the end.
Abi's read it.
Everybody's read it.
The man who came to clean the carpet read it! - Where are you going? - To my club.
- So are you going to read it? - I can't even read the bloody paper! Another for you, and another for you.
- What are you doing? - I've got this problem, Mum.
I'm going out with two girls at the same time.
Why don't you give one girl the flowers and the other the chocolates? I look at it this way.
Give them half the box of chocolates upfront and the other half when they deliver.
Nick, you really do have the morals of a convent-educated dingo.
- Thanks, Dad.
- Seeing two girls! It's just not It's not fair.
- Don't worry about him.
He's jealous.
- I'm not jealous.
- Listen, when I was his age, I was - Repressed? Ye No.
I had a lot of respect for women, OK? I wouldn't have seen two girls at the same time.
I'm not.
I'm seeing Karen from six till nine and Lisa from nine till 12:15.
How come Lisa gets an extra 15 minutes? Use your imagination, Dad.
I think you were happier reading the paper.
- I think you're right.
- Nick.
Someone called Monique rang for you.
She said 7:30 is great for her.
One for you, one for you.
And one for you.
It must be very galling for you, I mean, the way he carries on.
I mean, three girlfriends.
Having your pick from a trio of farm-fresh lovelies.
We're getting a little sidetracked here.
- You're right.
The real issue is Michael.
- Michael? Yes.
How about you two doing some father and son stuff? We are doing father and son stuff.
I'm avoiding him and he resents me.
Haven't you noticed he's getting a little strange, just like Nick did? Only this time it will be worse.
He'll be working from Nick's notes.
(Knocking) Enter.
- Hi, Mikey.
- Hello, Dad.
You know, Mikey, I think it's about time we had a little chat.
You know, man to man, heart to heart.
You know.
Let each other know how we really feel.
Yeah? OK.
Me first.
You're detached.
You're selfish.
You suck the joy out of everything.
You undermine your children's self-esteem so each of us has found our own way to escape.
Nick has rejected adulthood and all responsibility.
Janey moved 200 miles away and got herself pregnant.
Whereas I, since that route is denied me, have resorted to lowering a shutter on my emotions so at times I may seem cold, even cruel and insulting, to my parents.
The irony being that although you have caused all this, you're the only one who cannot see it.
Now, what did you want to say? I was going to ask if you wanted to go ice-skating.
I think I might have a bit of jazz, maybe Steely Dan, or the theme song from Titanic.
- What the hell are you talking about? - Just planning my funeral.
Seems the only thing to look forward to.
I don't know.
Holby City's on tomorrow night.
Maybe Michael's right.
Maybe I do suck the joy out of everything.
Perhaps suck is too strong a word.
More like gently siphon off.
Why is it no one in this family wants to be with me? I want to be with you.
You're my wife.
You've no choice.
Michael says these things because he doesn't know you like I do.
When he does, he'll Maybe that's a bad example.
- Michael doesn't want to know me.
- It pays to be persistent.
You had to ask me 14 times before I'd sleep with you.
I thought we slept together 14 times before I had to ask.
Keep talking to him.
Find out what his favourite hobby is.
Susan, he's 16! All right, his second-favourite hobby.
Blow.
One for you.
One for you.
And one for you.
Oi, Abi.
Abi, Abi.
I have found the perfect present for my three girlfriends.
- Affordable, attractive and tasty.
- I thought it's Lisa, Karen and Monique.
No.
No, this, this.
Look.
One stick for each of them.
And one for me.
- A Kit Kat? - Yup.
Yesterday it was flowers and a box of chocolates.
Yeah, but we're an item now.
I don't need to try so hard.
- Yes, I'm home.
- Oh, Dad.
Have you got any ideas for a present I can give my three girlfriends? How about health, accident and fire insurance? - He's just jealous.
- Jealous? Ha! I'm not jealous How was your day, dear? I'm touched that you persist in asking the question considering that, as ever, the buses are up the creek, my patients are from a David Lynch film, and the sandwich bar's run out of prawn mayonnaise.
- Never mind.
I wasn't listening anyway.
- And you weren't listening anyway.
So it's probably for the best.
Why should two of us suffer when? OK.
What's Nick been up to now? Not Nick, Janey.
She's left the baby with us while she goes out to dinner with schoolfriends.
- Really? Why wasn't I told about this? - It was in the letter you didn't read.
Just like you didn't read Michael's geography project.
- I have read it.
- All right, what's the capital of Mali? Erm, I will read it just as soon as I finish my Tom Clancy.
You've been reading that book for three years.
OK, sometimes slower is better.
As you well know.
Hello, sweetie.
Coochie, coochie, coochie.
- OK, I'm all babied out.
- You won't have to do a thing.
- The baby's my department.
- Happy, are you? Got another victim? He's not a victim, he's a prizewinner.
Trouble is, he keeps sleeping.
How can I be his grandmother if he's always asleep? What's this? A list of instructions from Janey for the baby.
- This is for you.
- I don't need a list.
A good mother trusts her instincts.
- Good luck, baby.
- He has a name, you know.
- A stupid name.
Kenzo.
- Count yourself lucky.
Her first choice was Prada Handbag.
(Cheering on TV) Hi, Mikey.
- What's that? - Robot Wars.
- Robot Wars! Oh, I love this show.
- You don't have to do this, you know.
Amazing, isn't it? What they can build.
Out of junk metal and lawn mower engines.
You could just read the geography project.
Look at that.
It's great, isn't it? Fathers and sons working together.
Building things.
That's so good.
It'd be great, wouldn't it, if you and I did something like that, built something? Yes Cop a load of this, Michael.
An Austin K2 Second World War Red Cross truck.
Oh Wow! Thanks.
Did you keep the receipt? - Don't you like it? - No, no, no, it's smashing.
World War II Red Cross truck - Don't know why I bother sometimes.
- And neither do we.
But you did, so well done.
Thanks.
OK, you're gonna have to help me out here.
What are you interested in? - You'll laugh.
- No, I won't.
UFOs.
- You mean flying saucers? - You said you wouldn't laugh.
I'm not, I'm just happy.
Flying saucers.
Why? I've always thought it perfectly possible we could be visited from other worlds.
Such as Mars or Venus.
Mars or Venus? Are you joking? OK, Venus has a surface temperature of 350 degrees.
Mars's night-time temperature at the equator can drop to -70.
I hardly think either of those is capable of supporting life.
Unless you mean single-cell organisms.
Yeah, yeah, I might've been Hm.
Well, If you're really interested, I have a ton of research material you can read.
Sure.
Great.
I'll leave it on top of my geography project.
Who's having a good old sleep, then? I expect you'll wake up soon and be wanting your cool grandma.
Kenzo.
Kenzo.
Let me heat you up some milk for when you wake up.
Oops! Clumsy me.
Some people believe the abductions are part of a genetic experiment, which, of course, would explain the cattle mutilations.
Of course.
This is so great, Dad.
I had no idea you were into all this stuff.
Listen, I'm on UFO watch this evening in my bedroom.
UFO watch? Wow! Why don't you join me? lt'll only be two or three hours.
- (Clattering) - What the hell? Hello.
- What have you been doing? - Reading a magazine, dear.
- Is it illegal? - You've been trying to wake the baby.
- No, I haven't.
- Don't lie to me, Susan.
Your fingerprints are all over these.
All right, I was trying to wake him.
He needs his feed.
Susan, the baby will wake up when he's good and ready.
Ben, that is so old-fashioned.
Haven't you read any of the latest babycare books? - Have you? - I don't need to.
I've raised three children.
And you.
Susan, this isn't a competition about the best parent, OK? If the baby wants to sleep, you should let him sleep.
- You idiot! You've woken him up.
- Well, didn't you want him awake? Yes, I did, but naturally.
Yes, with nature's very own pots and pans.
You pick up the baby.
I'll get the bottle.
Right.
Come on, baby.
There's a good boy.
Come to your granddad.
Oochy-coochy-bubba-de-bub, doo-doo! - I know - Dear, dear, dear.
Now, give him to me.
Come on, Kenzo.
- There we go.
- (Kenzo screams) - I think the baby's crying louder.
- It sometimes takes a moment.
- Mm-hm.
- Yes.
- Where's Janey's list of instructions? - I don't need a list.
No? Well, perhaps you should tell him that.
(Kenzo screams) - # Give the dog a bone - # When the wind blows # Hi, guys.
Dad, can I borrow your brown leather belt? - What? - Can I borrow your brown leather - (# Singing) - (Kenzo crying) Hold on.
- Aah.
- (Baby stops crying) That's better.
Now, can I borrow your brown leather belt? It's for my date.
There's no way you're going out tonight, Nick.
Hi, Lisa.
It's about tonight.
Well, not just tonight.
I've been doing a bit of thinking and Oh, someone on the other line.
Won't be a sec.
Hello? Ah, Karen, hi.
No, I was just thinking about you.
In fact, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
I'm not sure things are working out.
I think it would be better if we (Mobile phone) Hold that thought.
Someone on my mobile.
Hi, Monique.
I was just about to call you.
Won't be a sec.
You still there, Lisa? Oh, it's you, Karen.
Don't you go away, now.
Hi, Lisa.
Right.
Now, where were we? Oh, yeah, I've been doing a bit of thinking.
And I think we both need some space.
So, Karen, I think we both need some room to breathe.
Monique, yeah, do you get the feeling we're crowding each other? It's not you, it's me.
It's not you, it's me.
It's not you, it's me.
Oh, don't cry, Lisa.
We can still be friends.
Oh, don't cry, Karen.
We can still be friends.
Oh, don't Hang on, why aren't you crying? You want to dump me? Well, I like that! Are you still there, Lisa? Yeah, yeah, no, I know.
I know, I know.
Listen, let me give you Karen's number.
She might be able to help.
Yeah, she's just split up with her boyfriend.
Nothing as of yet.
- Look, Michael - Hey, Dad, isn't this great? - Yeah.
- I'm glad you could make it.
I do this every Friday.
And it's it's been so lonely.
Was that something? No.
False alarm.
Amazing, though, isn't it, when you think about it? All those billions of stars out there.
Different worlds circling different suns.
You know, Dad, if the universe is infinite, it's a logical certainty that somewhere out there is another Ben Harper living on another earth, exactly the same.
I wonder what he's doing now.
Probably watching telly.
- Right, is that it, are we finished now? - No, toilet break.
You're in charge.
I'll leave you the notebook.
Great.
I only wanted to go ice-skating.
Oh, my God.
Hello, Dad.
- Nick - What the hell am I doing? Just having a stroll.
And a smoke.
On the roof? What do you think of the old headgear? Designed it myself.
Leaves the hands free for smoking.
And climbing.
You do realise, Nick, I'm going to have to write this down? All right, all right, I'm going, I'm going.
I'm going.
People to do, things to see.
Hey, look, it's Spike and Wiggy.
Hey, guys, guys! - God, they're having a barbecue.
- What, on my roof? No, no, next door's.
See you.
Geronimo! (Crash) See anything? Er I'd rather not talk about it.
Yeah.
It's often like that.
(Crying) Come on, Kenzo.
I've fed you.
I've changed your nappy.
What's the matter? Oh, damn.
Waste not, want not.
I'm not saying anything.
get back, now! - About time.
Where the hell's Janey? Don't get me started.
I've just spoken to her friend Caroline.
Our daughter fell asleep during her spaghetti carbonara.
I told her, I don't care how tired she is, you make sure she gets home now.
We can't let them wake her.
It'll be her first decent sleep for weeks.
- What about us? - I don't need sleep.
- All right, what about me? - Oh, this is going to be fun.
You get to sleep with cool Grandma and grumpy Grandpa.
No, Nick can handle this.
He'll have to sleep in Nick's room.
Are you mad? The baby hasn't had his jabs yet.
- Ben.
- What? - I know you're awake.
- Yes, so do I! We agreed half-hour shifts, I've still got five minutes.
- That clock's slow.
- Since when? Don't think I didn't see you move the hands back.
What difference does it make? He cries if I hold him or if you do.
Neither of us is getting any sleep.
I think - No! - It's the only solution, Susan.
- That would just be desperate.
- These are desperate times.
- Hmm.
- Well? Agreed? - If we must.
- Fine.
- Nick.
- What took you so long? Yo, dude.
(Baby stops crying) So, where do I sleep? - Well, I suppose you'll - Thanks, Mum.
- What? - These are desperate times, Susan.
As long as it doesn't set a precedent.
Ah! So What do you usually do now? Mum.
Mum.
- What time is it? - Go to sleep.
- I can't.
I'm too worried.
- You? It's always like this with the first, isn't it? Is he all right? Is the room too hot? Is he feeding OK? - Nick, it's not your baby.
- I know, but can't we keep him? - What? - We can give Janey Michael.
You never know.
She might be pleased.
Michael doesn't need changing quite so often.
Oh, whatever.
Dad.
Dad.
Hmm? Oh, my God.
It really did happen.
- Are you awake? - I've got to be at work in three hours.
On a Saturday? It just seems to me that ever since this baby's come you've been avoiding me.
Before that, even.
- Dad.
- What? Now I've lost my figure, you wouldn't run off with another son, would you? I know Michael is younger and more attractive than me, but I am the uncle of your grandchild.
Nick, I don't know whether you are genuinely insane or just winding me up.
I'm tired, I'm stressed and I'm fighting for one third of the duvet.
I've got three things to say to you.
Shut up, shut up, shut up! All right.
I think we should have another one.
(Crying) - There's a good boy.
- He cries a lot, doesn't he? He's not crying.
He's just Oh, belt up.
- Do you want me to take him? - No, no, you've had your go.
Morning, all.
(Baby grizzles) (Baby stops crying) What? Looks like you're the only one who can't stop him crying.
Face it, Mum.
He just doesn't like you.
It's not as simple as that.
How did you do that? Nick gave me a couple of pointers in bed last night.
You wanted me to bond with my two sons.
I'm bonding with my grandson.
This isn't fair.
Right, everybody out.
- It's all right.
She's just jealous.
- This is between me and Kenzo.
(Baby grizzles) Out! Karen, I have made a terrible mistake.
Lisa, I've made a terrible mistake.
Monique, you've made a terrible mistake.
- Hello, Dad.
- Hi, Mikey.
- What have you got there? - It's my geography project.
- Which you still haven't read.
- I know, I know.
I'm a little busy at the moment, what with the baby, and everything.
You're not going to read it, are you? You know that UFO watch last night.
Wasn't that great, eh? You were bored.
You were humouring me.
When have I ever humoured anyone in this house? Well, I don't think you believe in UFOs at all.
Michael.
They're all around us.
You say that to me but I bet you wouldn't say it to anyone else.
I would.
Do it, then.
There you are, you see.
Nice, contented baby.
You don't need rules, instructions, directions from Nick.
When you're a mother, things just come naturally.
Oh, Kenzo, broken your spirit, has she? Welcome to the club.
Dad.
- I, er Susan.
- What? Don't you think it's amazing, when you consider the emptiness and vastness of the universe, that, you know, homo sapiens are not the only intelligent life force.
- I'm sorry? - Dad, you're not being very explicit.
Susan.
I think flying saucers are visiting this planet.
- Really? - Yeah.
- I understand.
- Thank God.
When do you return to the mother ship? And the second prize goes to Simon Dimpton for talking his grandparents into becoming vegetarian.
But the first prize, and I think you'll agree it's an outstanding coup de maitre, goes to Michael Harper for getting his father to tell his mother he believed in flying saucers.