Northern Exposure s04e09 Episode Script
Do the Right Thing
This is Chris in the Morning, with the weather and time.
yesterday, and cold.
Mr.
Minnifield.
Uh-huh.
Viktor Bobrov.
But, please, just call me Vic.
And by the way, what a charming town you have here.
Well, thank you.
What can I do for you? Well, we've met once before, as a matter of fact at a reception at the Swiss Embassy in Helsinki.
There was you, Grissom, Shepard.
My goodness, that was 25 years ago, so I doubt that you'd remember.
No, I'm sorry, I don't.
Please, sit down.
There's no way that you could know this, of course but I've devoted my professional life to you and to the other fellows.
And believe me when I say I have the greatest admiration for all of you.
I appreciate it.
What's your point, Bobrov? Well, I used to be with Soviet State Security, the Fourth Directorate.
That's Aerospace Intelligence and Analysis.
Soviet State? KGB? That's right.
You're a Russian spy.
Well, not so much anymore.
Times change, and there's no policy to speak of.
Mister, I think you better get the hell out of my office.
Please, Mr.
Minnifield.
Just take a look at what I have to show you.
I can guarantee that all my other clients have been very satisfied and I am prepared to be flexible on price.
Are you trying to sell me something? I think you'll find me a very reasonable man to deal with.
What could you possibly have that I'd wanna buy? History, Mr.
Minnifield.
Your dossier.
I just got a call from Snow Goose.
Howard was supposed to fly in case of light bulbs.
He didn't show.
Can you believe that? You know, I never should have let him take that run.
Maggie.
What's the matter with him? He's got a mind like a sieve.
You don't write everything down twice, he forgets.
Maggie- I bet he didn't even pick up those bulbs, right? His plane went down.
Went down? He was landing in Old Dime Box to refuel and they say a wind shear hit him.
Is he all right? Howard's dead, Maggie.
Dead? Mmm-hmm.
Says I attended a meeting at Langley, August 3rd, 1960.
"Discussed the MA-1 fiasco.
"Minnifield argued forcefully against scrapping Mercury in favor of X-20.
" What the hell? Well, it's true, isn't it? That was a secret meeting at CIA headquarters.
How the hell would you people know what I said? I can't reveal sources.
My people rely on my discretion.
Do you think I might have a drink? Help yourself.
Baccarat.
Very nice.
Of course, we only had access to Czech crystal.
It says there's a picture of me in here with Angie Dickinson.
It isn't there? No.
It's the chaps in the file room.
They have a weakness for movie stars.
Partagas.
May I? Yeah, go ahead.
Well, you've got the goods here.
Normally, I wouldn't give you a dime for this illegally obtained material.
I am working on my memoirs and this firsthand narrative might come in handy.
I'll give you $2,000.
Mr.
Minnifield, just think of the effort that went into compiling that.
Not to mention my own time and my travel expenses.
All right.
How much? I wouldn't feel comfortable in letting it go for less than $20,000.
$8,000.
And that's carved in stone.
Done.
Hey, O'Connell.
Hi, O'Connell.
Howard's dead.
Howard? This morning he was alive.
He was standing right in front of me, you know? He had a cup of coffee and he had this little place on his chin where he missed shaving.
He told me he was thinking about buying a band saw and now he's dead.
Well, who's Howard? The thing is, I was supposed to make that delivery.
If he hadn't asked to make that run, it would have been me.
I mean, it was supposed to be me.
Well, yeah, but I mean you can't be so hard on yourself.
Hard on myself? Well, yeah.
I mean, look it's not your fault that you're alive, and Howard's dead whoever the hell Howard is.
What's that got to do with anything? Well Oh, Fleischman, you always miss the point.
Let me repeat it again, okay? It would have been me.
I would have been dead.
Dead.
Me.
Dead.
Do you ever stop to think about dead? Well, yes, I mean, I'm a doctor, O'Connell of course I think about death.
Not death.
Dead.
Gone.
Nothing.
That spark of human consciousness just snuffed out.
No more you, no more anything.
Dead.
Yeah, I do.
I do think about that sometimes.
Oh, sure, I bet.
What's that supposed to mean? Look at you, Fleischman.
You press your pants, you wear a tie.
I bet you even floss regularly, right? So what? That's not the way somebody acts, Fleischman who spends any amount of time thinking about dead.
You knew Oswald? Yes, yes.
Oswald who? Lee Harvey.
Oh.
Well, I kept an eye on him after he defected.
We were always a little suspicious of people who chose to live in the Soviet Union.
They used to come over at weekends to my dacha.
We'd sit in the sauna and throw a little sturgeon on the grill.
Wow.
Want another one? Well, that's very nice of you, Ed.
Thank you.
Dave! I got it.
He used to like to play whist, Lee.
What's that? A card game.
Oh.
He wasn't very good.
Didn't have very much upstairs.
Thank you very much.
Oh, I don't know, perhaps I shouldn't.
Not on an empty stomach and all.
Boy, it's growling, too.
You want something to eat? Well, my current circumstances are a little strained.
No money.
That's cool.
On the house.
Well, that's very nice of you.
Thank you.
I'll have a steak.
Porterhouse.
Okay.
Well done, and potatoes au gratin.
Sure thing.
Okay, let me ask you.
In JFK, Oliver Stone would have us believe that Oswald was a patsy for the CIA and a conspiracy of right-wing fanatics.
Is that right? Well, the trouble with Ollie, he has too many axes to grind.
The truth was staring him in the face.
He just closed his eyes, that's all.
So who was behind it? Nasser.
Nasser? Gamal.
Well, he always was a loose cannon.
There you go, Jamie.
State of Alaska, health inspector.
Yes, sir.
You know, my dad used to have a place a lot like this.
We've never had a health inspector around here before.
Mr.
Vincoeur, I'm sorry, but I'm almost positive you have.
Yeah, August 6, 1959.
Maybe you weren't the owner at that time.
No.
Problem is, there's not a whole lot of us and we have to cover over We try hard, but it still takes a while to make the rounds.
Well, I can tell you right now everything is just fine.
Oh, I'm sure it is, Mr.
Vincoeur, but I do have to make my report.
Holling, you should hear this Russkie guy.
He's got all the skinny on Jackie and Marilyn Monroe.
Gosh.
I've never seen a girl like that.
She's beautiful.
Can I get you something to eat? Maybe a drink? Oh, no, sir.
I'm not allowed.
It could be misconstrued.
But thank you.
I've got a sandwich in the van.
See you in the morning.
Excuse me.
One little thing.
In the men's room there should be a sign instructing employees to wash their hands.
I figure they already know that.
Oh.
There should be a sign.
Fleischman! Yeah, hold on, please.
Fleischman? I'm coming, I'm coming.
Evening, Fleischman.
O'Connell, what's going on? Well, I'm sorry about this afternoon.
You're sorry? That's right.
I said some things I'm sure I didn't mean.
Wait a minute, I'm sorry.
You're apologizing? You to me? Mmm-hmm.
Now, which faucet is it? What? The one that's leaking.
Which faucet is it, the bathroom or the kitchen? Wait a second.
You came here to fix the faucet? Just tell me which one it is.
Well, it happens to be this one but, I mean, I've only been complaining incessantly for the last three months.
Well, let's take a look.
What's going on? What do you mean? Come on, O'Connell.
Look, you come here at 11:00 at night to apologize and fix the faucet? I mean, what gives? I'm gonna die some day, okay, Fleischman? Yeah, yeah, okay.
It could be tomorrow, it could be in 40 years, but it doesn't matter.
Look, normally in a situation like this, I would get really mad at you for being so inept and lazy you couldn't even fix a simple washer but I'm not gonna do that anymore.
You know why? Because anger is a negative, destructive feeling, and life is too short for negative, destructive feelings.
Spare me.
I know what you're going to say.
You always take refuge in cheap cynicism.
But I really mean this.
I'm gonna concentrate on what's important in life.
I'm gonna strive every day to be a kind and generous and loving person.
And I'm gonna keep death right here so that any time I even think about getting angry at you or anybody else I'll see death, and I'll remember.
So why don't you go ahead and go to bed, Fleischman, and I'll let myself out.
Order up! I don't see a designated non-smoking area.
Beg your pardon? Any public establishment with a capacity of over 50 must have a designated non-smoking area.
What do you say we take a look at the kitchen? Oh.
Hiya.
Shelly, this is Jason.
Jason, Shelly.
Pleased to meet you.
Yeah.
She seems like a really nice person.
Okay.
The cutting board looks like spruce.
Uh-huh.
It really should be hard maple.
Non-absorbent.
Oh, boy, look at this great old Johnson.
Good stove.
My dad had one just like it.
Good grill.
Even heat.
Got to clean these screens a little more often.
My dad used to make the best pepper steak.
Lots of grilled onions.
Whereabouts was your old man's place? Yukon River.
Little town called Snook.
I've heard of it.
They used to have a big sausage plant up there.
Right! Yeah, after work everybody'd hang out at my dad's.
Well.
I felt real bad about closing him down.
You closed him down? Your father? Yeah, had to.
No backflow devices on the potable water system.
It was a hazardous situation.
Uh-oh.
Holy cow.
Know what this is? Hair.
Fur.
Marmot.
It's 160 over 85.
Now it's a little high, but it's not too bad.
Do you smoke, Mr.
Bobrov? Pack a day.
When the coup failed, my blood pressure shot up to 200 over 110.
Well, if you're worried about it, you should quit smoking.
You should also get on a salt-free diet and lose some weight, maybe.
Avoid stress.
Avoid stress? I've devoted my life to a profession which is now obsolete.
Just at the time in a man's life when he should be secure I'm forced to start over.
What about medication? Vasotec? Yeah, it's a pretty good anti-hypertensive but kind of expensive.
Maybe you have some samples.
Well, let me see.
You know, Dr.
Fleischman, I forgot to mention that I suffer occasionally from angina.
Well, the same things apply.
You should quit smoking and lose some weight.
Well, maybe you have some nitroglycerin.
Well, I'll look.
We're experiencing a shortage of antibiotics in Russia.
Penicillin.
Tetracycline.
Ceclor.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Here's your nitroglycerine.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Oh, um about your fee.
It's a standard rate for a first time visit.
I was thinking I may have a more meaningful way to compensate you.
Well, I once did a security clearance for an engineer called Yevgeny Fleischman.
Not altogether a common name.
Well, the two of you could be related.
Distant cousins.
I think that's highly unlikely.
Perhaps, Dr.
Fleischman.
But just take a look at the dossier and then whatever you decide.
Think about it.
Hey! Got your mail! Okay.
What are you doing delivering my mail? Well, I just thought I'd save you a trip to Ruth-Anne's store.
Well, thanks.
Mmm-hmm.
You're very welcome.
So, Chris.
Mmm? Do you remember that John Coltrane album? The one with the bright blue cover and he was playing the soprano sax.
Yeah.
My Favorite Things.
Yeah.
That album had an inscription on it.
It said, "Dig it! Your bro, Tooley.
" Yeah.
I loved that album.
I used to I'd crank it up, and just drift off, you know? Somebody ripped it off.
It was me.
What? I'm the one who stole it.
You stole it? Yeah.
See, you were in Maurice's office and I came in and I was delivering your new stylus and it was just lying there on the console and I don't know how to explain it.
It just spoke to me.
You know what I mean? You know? It just spoke to me.
I mean, I've never stolen anything in my life.
Let me get this straight.
You came in here and stole my John Coltrane album? I was gonna give it back, I swear.
I got home, and I said to myself, "What have you done?" I was really embarrassed.
But then my house burned down, and it was in the closet so all I can do now is offer my sincerest, my deepest apology.
That album was a gift from my closest friend.
Yeah, I know how this must make you feel.
But listen, I want you to stop and think about something.
I'm gonna die someday, okay? I'm gonna die.
That's just really made me stop and think.
We're all gonna die! So we should do good things, you know? Positive healing things.
Get out of here.
Well, all right.
But I just think it's good to make peace with our past, admit our faults.
Yeah, I don't wanna see you for a while.
Can you handle that? Well, okay.
Chris, I just really have to tell you, I feel so much better for having got this off my chest.
I really, really do.
Good.
With the mittens, that will be $65.
85.
I have something of historical significance which I think will interest you.
I'm sure you remember this.
It's Khrushchev's shoe.
The one he banged in the UN.
Really? Mmm-hmm.
Bulgarian manufacture.
European size 40.
Nikita Sergeyevich had small feet.
Delicate.
I'm sure with the current market for historical memorabilia that that's worth a great deal more than $65.
Do you have any documentation on this? Well, I'm giving you my word.
If it's all the same to you, I'll take the cash.
Hey, Bobrov.
I wanna talk to you.
In here.
Come here.
Hey, hey, hey.
I've been told to watch my blood pressure.
Who cooks this up? Cooks up? Yes, fabricates.
Manufactures.
Makes up.
Oh, come on now, Minnifield.
We agreed upon a price.
We have a deal.
I'm not talking about money here.
I'm talking about my reputation.
Listen to this.
"Saturday, November 3rd, 1959.
"After sexual intercourse "Minnifield bragged to Agent Furtseva "that the Atlas booster, a military rocket modified for a one-man capsule "was capable of Furtseva, eh? This never happened.
What, you mean you never had sex with her? I had sex with a woman by the name of Linda who purported to be the desk clerk at the Coconut Palm Inn in Key Biscayne, Florida.
Well.
Look, Bobrov I'm a military man, born and bred.
I know the meaning of classified.
I did not spill the beans here.
If you say so.
Look, you don't understand the magnitude of this thing.
People will read this tripe and believe at best, I'm a fool, and at worst, a traitor.
You didn't compromise anything.
We already knew the thrust capabilities of the Atlas booster.
That's not the point.
Look, I'm a bona fide American hero.
I'm in books.
I'm in museum displays.
People look up to me.
Anybody reading this tripe would believe it.
Maurice- I will not have the American people believing that I sang to some chippy in a Florida motel room.
It's ancient history, Maurice.
It's water over the dam.
You go on home.
Finish your memoirs.
Chicken-fried steak.
Oh.
Oh, no.
What? Something wrong? Well, I did order a grilled steak.
Oh, no problemo.
No, wait.
It's okay.
Really.
Dave will fix you another one.
No, maybe it was my fault.
You know, maybe I wasn't clear.
Besides, I'm sure it's delicious, and I'm sure I'll love it.
Okay.
Want some A1? Nope.
I bet it's perfect just the way it is.
Thanks, Bill.
Ow.
What? Well, it's weird.
I just got this little pain.
Ow.
You okay? Yes.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Hey, Shelly, how about some more fries? Coming.
How you doing? Fine.
Thanks.
You sure I can't get you something? Huh? Oh, no.
Thanks.
Well, maybe a glass of water.
Sure thing.
Hey, babe Last Boy Scout starts tomorrow.
Wanna catch the matinee? Well, I can't, Shelly.
I got a bulk run to do.
Dave, would you give me a glass of water? Sure.
Well, why don't you ask Jason? You mean the kid? Uh-huh.
You want me to go to the movies with the health inspector? Well, he seems kind of lonely.
He's always on the road alone.
Okay, hon.
Sure.
I'm gonna take off, Maurice.
So early? It's 2:00 a.
m.
It is? Oh, yeah.
Everything okay? Yesterday, the words were flowing.
Today, nothing.
Hmm Chris can I rely on your confidentiality? Absolutely.
Thirty years ago I betrayed my country.
No kidding? Yeah.
What'd you do? Well, the details aren't important.
Suffice it to say that in a moment of braggadocio I said some things that I probably shouldn't have.
Fortunately, there were no repercussions and after a time I put it out of my mind.
But today something happened that brought back to mind that terrible lapse.
Well, I know what you're feeling.
You do? The feeling you're feeling is guilt.
Guilt? I've never felt that in my life.
Really? Yes, really.
That surprises me, Maurice, you know, considering your history, and all.
You wanna stick to the subject here? Okay.
Here you are, a national figure, a hero.
You're rich, you're famous.
But behind it all, there's this kind of a deep, dark secret.
So in your gut, you feel you don't deserve it.
The success, the fame, the wealth.
That's ridiculous.
Maybe.
See you tomorrow.
All right, how often do you feel the pain? Two, three times a day.
After meals? No.
By the way, I wanna thank you for seeing me on such short notice.
All right.
Why don't you lie down? Tell me exactly where it hurts.
Right around here.
It's probably nothing.
I shouldn't even be bothering you.
Does that hurt? Mmm.
I'm sorry if I wasted your time.
All right, sit up.
Is there anything that you do that makes you feel better? Well, you know, I do seem to feel better after I eat something.
Uh-huh.
By the way, Fleischman, you know, I really never get to say this but it really is a comfort being under the care of such a knowledgeable physician as yourself.
Good.
Your symptoms are consistent with someone who is developing a peptic ulcer.
Ulcer? An ulcer.
An ulcer? That's right.
Fleischman, I can't possibly be getting an ulcer.
Oh? Why not? Because, I never have stomach problems.
Never, ever.
I mean, I can eat anything.
Jalapeno, curry, horseradish, you name it.
Well, you under any stress? Stress? Yeah.
No.
Not a bit.
Well, what about this quest of yours? The "I'm gonna be a better person" thing? Well, no, that's been great, actually.
That's been fabulous.
I mean, that's been why I've been so incredibly good.
Okay.
Hop down.
Look, I want you to eat regularly, okay? Avoid spicy foods, cut out the booze.
Look, Fleischman, I'm sure it's just a sour stomach.
All right.
Well, pick up some Mylanta or Maalox.
If that doesn't work, I'll put you on Tagamet.
Well, Fleischman, I thank you for your understanding.
You're a caring, absolutely first-rate doctor, but I do not have an ulcer.
But thank you very much.
Bye, Marilyn.
That was so cool.
I loved it when that dude kept boppin' Bruce Willis in the face with a gun and then Bruce got really ticked off and smashed the guy's nose up into his brain.
What? You didn't like it? Oh, it was a good movie.
I just worry about the message it sends to the public.
What do you mean? Shelly, you can't sustain those kinds of blunt instrument head traumas and just get up and walk away.
Oh.
Don't get me wrong, this was a lot of fun.
I don't get to see many movies.
Most towns I visit aren't large enough to sustain a movie theater.
Bummer.
Oh I'm not gonna be on the road forever.
My goal is to make supervisor by the time I'm 30.
And if that doesn't work out I can always get my independent contractor's license.
That's cool.
Well this is where I live.
Bitchin'.
Yeah, I'd invite you in, but that's Probably wouldn't be right.
I mean, I wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea.
About you and me.
Oh.
So.
Thanks again.
Sure.
See you.
See you.
I see a definite resemblance.
Yes.
He doesn't look anything like me.
No, no, no, look.
It's here in the eyes.
A certain quality.
I'm trained to notice these things.
Marilyn, does he look anything like me? Uh-huh.
Get out of here.
He's white.
You have to remember, too, that photographs don't fax very well.
He's not my relative.
Wait a minute.
What's this? What, you denied him security clearance? Well, I had to.
Yevgeny was involved with Jewish dissident groups.
He was a refusenik.
Well, it looks like he just wanted to study Hebrew.
Well, our policy was very clearly spelled out.
My hands were tied.
Well, you know my family used to talk about stuff like this.
Every Passover.
You know what Passover is? Fleischman.
Well, every Passover at my Aunt Freda's we would sit around the table eating latkes and we would take a moment to remember the Russian Jews.
The ones that didn't get out.
Family, must be nice.
I have a wife, but we're separated.
I have a boy by a previous marriage, but we barely speak.
See, the point is, this is exactly what we were talking about.
A man like this, like Yevgeny Fleischman.
My son was up on the tank with Yeltsin.
He says to me, "Dad, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
" I'll take it.
I'm sorry? The dossier, I'll take it.
Your bill is settled, Mr.
Bobrov.
So, did you enjoy the picture show? Yes, sir.
Okay, why don't you look the report over? Make sure everything is clear.
With pleasure.
I'm afraid I don't understand.
What does this mean, "violations"? Those are the conditions that need to be remedied.
Remedied? "The operator of an establishment shall insure that all studs, joists "and rafters are not exposed in food preparation areas.
" They're a potential source of contamination.
You know, actually you did pretty well.
We use 100 point scale, and you got a 78.
Most of the problems were in food equipment and utensils.
If you'd please just initial the boxes and sign at the bottom.
Who do you think you are? I beg your pardon? You come in here and tell me what's wrong with my bar.
Mr.
Vincoeur - You try to tell me how to run my business? Your business is a public establishment.
My job is to guarantee the public a clean, safe meal.
Well, let me tell you where you can stick your clean, safe meal.
Mr.
Vincoeur, are you going to sign the report? I am not.
Refuses to sign.
You have 14 days to comply.
Yeah? And if I don't? I'll have to close you down.
Maurice.
Haven't seen you around in a while.
What are you burning? Memoirs.
How come? Who was I to think I could hold myself up as an example to people? The Early Years: Honor and Glory.
Hey, Maurice, you know I'm all for rash behavior, you know? We both know that.
Don't you think you're overreacting just a bit with this? You hit the nail on the head, Chris.
I'm a fake and a fraud.
No, you're not.
That's a very subjective term.
Not in this Marine's book, it's not.
Look, why don't you and I, we go over to Holling's we have a couple of pops, you know.
I'll buy.
Come on.
You want a drink? I got a bottle right here.
Mescal? Save me the worm.
Hello, Dr.
Fleischman.
Sorry.
You like me to knock.
It's okay, Ed.
Well, I wanted to tape Das Boot, but the tracking on my VCR's out.
So I was wondering if I could borrow yours.
Yeah.
This is incredible.
I mean, listen to this.
"At age nine, Yevgeny joined the Young Pioneers.
"At 14, the Komsomol.
"At 18, he matriculated into the Kiev Polytechnical Institute.
" Polytechnical, huh? Expelled from the Komsomol for Zionist activities.
Zionist activities? Probably made matzoh or lit a menorah, right? The fact is Yevgeny was kicked out of the Komsomol for the simple reason that he evinced some pride in being a Jew.
Oh.
I mean, it's the same story, Ed, over and over no matter where you look throughout history.
Look what they did to Dreyfus.
Richard Dreyfuss? No.
Jacques, Andre.
I don't know.
The thing is, he was framed.
He was taken away in chains to Devil's Island.
Why? Why? Because he was a Jew.
Wow.
A Jew, Ed.
I mean, that's what I am.
This could just as easily have been my life.
Yours? Yeah.
I mean, if my grandfather hadn't bribed some muzhik 50 rubles to smuggle him across the Russian frontier in the back of a haywagon I could have been Yevgeny Fleischman.
I would have been Yevgeny Fleischman.
Oh.
Don't worry, Ed, it's not the end of the story.
You know where he is now? Israel.
He made it.
Oh.
I mean, you see what it means for a Jew to have his own country? After 2,000 years of wandering, he can finally go home.
He can always go to Israel.
What? Well, you can't go anywhere, Dr.
Fleischman.
You're stuck here.
Good night, Dr.
Fleischman.
Get the lead out, babe.
We gotta open up.
Listen here, Shelly.
"Toilet tissue must be provided in a wall-hung or protected container.
" I mean, plain old TP isn't enough.
After breakfast, you and Dave can go to Sleetmute.
Snag all the stuff you need for repairs.
"Ventilation devices must prevent grease or condensation "from collecting on walls and ceilings.
" Holling, you hear me? I am not gonna go to Sleetmute after breakfast.
I am not gonna make these repairs.
What do you mean? I'm not gonna give that little milk-toothed snoop the satisfaction.
Holling, if you don't fix those things, he's gonna close us down.
Yeah? We'll see about that.
Wait a sec.
Are you just PO'd because your little scam didn't work? What scam? You know let Jason take Shelly to the movies, so he doesn't bag on you.
That's got nothing to do with it.
No? This is a slap in the face.
It's an insult, Shelly.
Holling, he just wants the hair out of the soup.
Oh, no.
No, he's judging us.
He's coming in here with this 100 point scale, and he is judging us.
You call this being judged? Obviously you have never been in a beauty pageant.
What has that got to do with anything? Holling, being judged is standing in stiletto heels on a hot stage with only inches of spandex between you and your birthday suit.
And these horny businessmen and their dried up old sosh-types with their scorecards are eyeballing you, just dying to find things wrong.
And when they do it's not something lame, like a stovetop or a leaky faucet.
Uh-uh.
It's your nips or your butt or your ankles.
And let me tell you something else.
When a chick goes in for her repairs she doesn't just go out and buy some PVC or two-by-fours.
Uh-uh.
She goes under the knife.
The knife? We're talking silicone and tummy tucks.
Beauty contestants don't complain because they know if they want that crown they got to play the game.
Hurry up.
Hey, Maurice.
You know, Maurice, I was trying to come up with a historical figure for you, you know somebody you got a reverential thing for like George Patton or J.
Edgar Hoover.
And I thought that big picture in the library that you got of MacArthur.
Sacking him was the stupidest thing Truman ever did.
The man was a true warrior-statesman.
Should have been president.
What about him? I want you to take a look at this, okay? I bought if from Viktor.
Viktor? Mmm-hmm.
I'm not interested.
I'll read it.
"Top Secret.
Immediate.
"October 4th, 1936.
"Our efforts vis-à-vis General MacArthur have finally been rewarded.
"As usual, we allowed him to win at the Wednesday evening poker game.
" What the hell? "Pleased with his success at the gaming table, the General drank heavily "fell asleep, and we were able to photograph the contents of his briefcase.
" I don't believe a word of it.
"Included were contingency plans for a Soviet attack "on the Baltic states and Finland.
Expense account to follow.
" That never happened.
Maybe not.
MacArthur retired from the army the following year and it was only after Pearl Harbor that they asked him back.
Is that a coincidence? He offered me some juicy stuff on John Foster Dulles but I didn't have the cash.
J.
Edgar Hoover and Tolson, too.
See you later, okay? Hey, O'Connell.
How you feeling? Better, thank you.
Much better.
What's that? What? What, you forget to shave? No, no, no, no.
It's just a little coffee.
What's behind your back? Nothing.
Come on, O'Connell.
Well, okay, so it's a little Maalox.
But really, I don't feel any pain.
It's just a little twinge.
It's no big deal.
I hardly notice it.
Look, I have this theory about what's going on with you.
Oh, well, that's nice, Fleischman, but I'm really not interested.
All right, well, just follow me if you can.
I think that this gastrointestinal episode of yours is related to this attempt to be a nicer person.
Oh, really? Yeah.
See it's inherently flawed.
It's ill-conceived.
I mean, call it what you like, okay? We could say human nature, the devil, whatever.
People are simply incapable of prolonged, sustained goodness.
So this mission of yours, it's unachievable and to tell you the truth, it's medically ill-advised.
Medically ill-advised? Well, in your case, yes.
I mean, the cornerstone of your psyche is this unfocused, searing rage.
Yeah? Yeah.
I don't think I know of a more negative, reproachful individual.
You're going completely against your grain.
You are seriously jeopardizing your health.
So by trying to be good, I'm making myself ill? Every good deed, every kind gesture, every generous impulse you are putting another nail in your coffin.
Clean.
Good non-slip surface.
Non-absorbent shelf liners.
Very nice.
Hard maple cutting board.
Glassware stored in the proper inverted position.
You could use another couple of foot-candles of light in the kitchen but I can let that slide.
Way to go.
Keep up the good work, Mr.
Vincoeur.
I'll be back.
Thanks, Jason.
I'd like to stay longer, but there are a lot of towns out there.
A lot of food service establishments.
So long.
Take care.
Oh, Holling, I'm proud of you, babe.
My Rose Garden reception took place the second week in May.
The First Lady was resplendent in a matching azure blue skirt and jacket.
The President wore a gray chalk-striped suit and a red foulard tie.
I was surprised by Kennedy's stature.
I expected a taller man.
Minnifield.
I'm taking off today.
I was wondering, I have an old LA address for Carpenter and I understand that he'd moved back to Colorado.
I thought you might happen to know - No, I wouldn't.
Well, I'm sorry.
I would've just thought- And that garbage about MacArthur don't you ever sell that to anyone again.
Don't be all day with that.
Okay.
What garbage about MacArthur? Beats me.
Excuse me! Yeah, excuse me! Hey! Listen, I haven't been feeling very well lately, and I was trying to take a nap! What I'm trying to say here is would you mind stopping that for a while? What's that? That.
Please, could you stop that? I'll be done in a minute! Look, you inconsiderate clod, turn the thing off now or I'm gonna get my gun and turn it into scraps! Look at yourself.
You pollute the air with your noise and fumes.
You have no respect for your neighbors, the environment.
It's idiots like you, you know, who are choking the environment to death! You're a blight! You're a menace! You ought to be locked up.
Yes! Allo? Uh, hi.
Is your daddy there? Yevgeny Fleischman? Hello? Hello? Yevgeny? Yevgeny Fleischman? Da.
Hi.
Hello.
Did you speak English? English, nyet.
Oh, Hebrew? No.
Not at all.
Look, you're probably not gonna get any of this but my name is Fleischman, too.
It's Joel Fleischman.
Fleischman? We're not related.
Actually, it's a long story but I read your dossier and I kind of - I feel like I know you, like we could be family.
I mean, I know we're not, but I don't know.
I just wanted to give you a call and hear the sound of your voice.
Just to see if it sounded familiar.
Joel? Joel.
Yeah, Joel Fleischman.
Fleischman? Yevgeny.
Joel.
Yevgeny.
How are things in Israel, Yevgeny?
yesterday, and cold.
Mr.
Minnifield.
Uh-huh.
Viktor Bobrov.
But, please, just call me Vic.
And by the way, what a charming town you have here.
Well, thank you.
What can I do for you? Well, we've met once before, as a matter of fact at a reception at the Swiss Embassy in Helsinki.
There was you, Grissom, Shepard.
My goodness, that was 25 years ago, so I doubt that you'd remember.
No, I'm sorry, I don't.
Please, sit down.
There's no way that you could know this, of course but I've devoted my professional life to you and to the other fellows.
And believe me when I say I have the greatest admiration for all of you.
I appreciate it.
What's your point, Bobrov? Well, I used to be with Soviet State Security, the Fourth Directorate.
That's Aerospace Intelligence and Analysis.
Soviet State? KGB? That's right.
You're a Russian spy.
Well, not so much anymore.
Times change, and there's no policy to speak of.
Mister, I think you better get the hell out of my office.
Please, Mr.
Minnifield.
Just take a look at what I have to show you.
I can guarantee that all my other clients have been very satisfied and I am prepared to be flexible on price.
Are you trying to sell me something? I think you'll find me a very reasonable man to deal with.
What could you possibly have that I'd wanna buy? History, Mr.
Minnifield.
Your dossier.
I just got a call from Snow Goose.
Howard was supposed to fly in case of light bulbs.
He didn't show.
Can you believe that? You know, I never should have let him take that run.
Maggie.
What's the matter with him? He's got a mind like a sieve.
You don't write everything down twice, he forgets.
Maggie- I bet he didn't even pick up those bulbs, right? His plane went down.
Went down? He was landing in Old Dime Box to refuel and they say a wind shear hit him.
Is he all right? Howard's dead, Maggie.
Dead? Mmm-hmm.
Says I attended a meeting at Langley, August 3rd, 1960.
"Discussed the MA-1 fiasco.
"Minnifield argued forcefully against scrapping Mercury in favor of X-20.
" What the hell? Well, it's true, isn't it? That was a secret meeting at CIA headquarters.
How the hell would you people know what I said? I can't reveal sources.
My people rely on my discretion.
Do you think I might have a drink? Help yourself.
Baccarat.
Very nice.
Of course, we only had access to Czech crystal.
It says there's a picture of me in here with Angie Dickinson.
It isn't there? No.
It's the chaps in the file room.
They have a weakness for movie stars.
Partagas.
May I? Yeah, go ahead.
Well, you've got the goods here.
Normally, I wouldn't give you a dime for this illegally obtained material.
I am working on my memoirs and this firsthand narrative might come in handy.
I'll give you $2,000.
Mr.
Minnifield, just think of the effort that went into compiling that.
Not to mention my own time and my travel expenses.
All right.
How much? I wouldn't feel comfortable in letting it go for less than $20,000.
$8,000.
And that's carved in stone.
Done.
Hey, O'Connell.
Hi, O'Connell.
Howard's dead.
Howard? This morning he was alive.
He was standing right in front of me, you know? He had a cup of coffee and he had this little place on his chin where he missed shaving.
He told me he was thinking about buying a band saw and now he's dead.
Well, who's Howard? The thing is, I was supposed to make that delivery.
If he hadn't asked to make that run, it would have been me.
I mean, it was supposed to be me.
Well, yeah, but I mean you can't be so hard on yourself.
Hard on myself? Well, yeah.
I mean, look it's not your fault that you're alive, and Howard's dead whoever the hell Howard is.
What's that got to do with anything? Well Oh, Fleischman, you always miss the point.
Let me repeat it again, okay? It would have been me.
I would have been dead.
Dead.
Me.
Dead.
Do you ever stop to think about dead? Well, yes, I mean, I'm a doctor, O'Connell of course I think about death.
Not death.
Dead.
Gone.
Nothing.
That spark of human consciousness just snuffed out.
No more you, no more anything.
Dead.
Yeah, I do.
I do think about that sometimes.
Oh, sure, I bet.
What's that supposed to mean? Look at you, Fleischman.
You press your pants, you wear a tie.
I bet you even floss regularly, right? So what? That's not the way somebody acts, Fleischman who spends any amount of time thinking about dead.
You knew Oswald? Yes, yes.
Oswald who? Lee Harvey.
Oh.
Well, I kept an eye on him after he defected.
We were always a little suspicious of people who chose to live in the Soviet Union.
They used to come over at weekends to my dacha.
We'd sit in the sauna and throw a little sturgeon on the grill.
Wow.
Want another one? Well, that's very nice of you, Ed.
Thank you.
Dave! I got it.
He used to like to play whist, Lee.
What's that? A card game.
Oh.
He wasn't very good.
Didn't have very much upstairs.
Thank you very much.
Oh, I don't know, perhaps I shouldn't.
Not on an empty stomach and all.
Boy, it's growling, too.
You want something to eat? Well, my current circumstances are a little strained.
No money.
That's cool.
On the house.
Well, that's very nice of you.
Thank you.
I'll have a steak.
Porterhouse.
Okay.
Well done, and potatoes au gratin.
Sure thing.
Okay, let me ask you.
In JFK, Oliver Stone would have us believe that Oswald was a patsy for the CIA and a conspiracy of right-wing fanatics.
Is that right? Well, the trouble with Ollie, he has too many axes to grind.
The truth was staring him in the face.
He just closed his eyes, that's all.
So who was behind it? Nasser.
Nasser? Gamal.
Well, he always was a loose cannon.
There you go, Jamie.
State of Alaska, health inspector.
Yes, sir.
You know, my dad used to have a place a lot like this.
We've never had a health inspector around here before.
Mr.
Vincoeur, I'm sorry, but I'm almost positive you have.
Yeah, August 6, 1959.
Maybe you weren't the owner at that time.
No.
Problem is, there's not a whole lot of us and we have to cover over We try hard, but it still takes a while to make the rounds.
Well, I can tell you right now everything is just fine.
Oh, I'm sure it is, Mr.
Vincoeur, but I do have to make my report.
Holling, you should hear this Russkie guy.
He's got all the skinny on Jackie and Marilyn Monroe.
Gosh.
I've never seen a girl like that.
She's beautiful.
Can I get you something to eat? Maybe a drink? Oh, no, sir.
I'm not allowed.
It could be misconstrued.
But thank you.
I've got a sandwich in the van.
See you in the morning.
Excuse me.
One little thing.
In the men's room there should be a sign instructing employees to wash their hands.
I figure they already know that.
Oh.
There should be a sign.
Fleischman! Yeah, hold on, please.
Fleischman? I'm coming, I'm coming.
Evening, Fleischman.
O'Connell, what's going on? Well, I'm sorry about this afternoon.
You're sorry? That's right.
I said some things I'm sure I didn't mean.
Wait a minute, I'm sorry.
You're apologizing? You to me? Mmm-hmm.
Now, which faucet is it? What? The one that's leaking.
Which faucet is it, the bathroom or the kitchen? Wait a second.
You came here to fix the faucet? Just tell me which one it is.
Well, it happens to be this one but, I mean, I've only been complaining incessantly for the last three months.
Well, let's take a look.
What's going on? What do you mean? Come on, O'Connell.
Look, you come here at 11:00 at night to apologize and fix the faucet? I mean, what gives? I'm gonna die some day, okay, Fleischman? Yeah, yeah, okay.
It could be tomorrow, it could be in 40 years, but it doesn't matter.
Look, normally in a situation like this, I would get really mad at you for being so inept and lazy you couldn't even fix a simple washer but I'm not gonna do that anymore.
You know why? Because anger is a negative, destructive feeling, and life is too short for negative, destructive feelings.
Spare me.
I know what you're going to say.
You always take refuge in cheap cynicism.
But I really mean this.
I'm gonna concentrate on what's important in life.
I'm gonna strive every day to be a kind and generous and loving person.
And I'm gonna keep death right here so that any time I even think about getting angry at you or anybody else I'll see death, and I'll remember.
So why don't you go ahead and go to bed, Fleischman, and I'll let myself out.
Order up! I don't see a designated non-smoking area.
Beg your pardon? Any public establishment with a capacity of over 50 must have a designated non-smoking area.
What do you say we take a look at the kitchen? Oh.
Hiya.
Shelly, this is Jason.
Jason, Shelly.
Pleased to meet you.
Yeah.
She seems like a really nice person.
Okay.
The cutting board looks like spruce.
Uh-huh.
It really should be hard maple.
Non-absorbent.
Oh, boy, look at this great old Johnson.
Good stove.
My dad had one just like it.
Good grill.
Even heat.
Got to clean these screens a little more often.
My dad used to make the best pepper steak.
Lots of grilled onions.
Whereabouts was your old man's place? Yukon River.
Little town called Snook.
I've heard of it.
They used to have a big sausage plant up there.
Right! Yeah, after work everybody'd hang out at my dad's.
Well.
I felt real bad about closing him down.
You closed him down? Your father? Yeah, had to.
No backflow devices on the potable water system.
It was a hazardous situation.
Uh-oh.
Holy cow.
Know what this is? Hair.
Fur.
Marmot.
It's 160 over 85.
Now it's a little high, but it's not too bad.
Do you smoke, Mr.
Bobrov? Pack a day.
When the coup failed, my blood pressure shot up to 200 over 110.
Well, if you're worried about it, you should quit smoking.
You should also get on a salt-free diet and lose some weight, maybe.
Avoid stress.
Avoid stress? I've devoted my life to a profession which is now obsolete.
Just at the time in a man's life when he should be secure I'm forced to start over.
What about medication? Vasotec? Yeah, it's a pretty good anti-hypertensive but kind of expensive.
Maybe you have some samples.
Well, let me see.
You know, Dr.
Fleischman, I forgot to mention that I suffer occasionally from angina.
Well, the same things apply.
You should quit smoking and lose some weight.
Well, maybe you have some nitroglycerin.
Well, I'll look.
We're experiencing a shortage of antibiotics in Russia.
Penicillin.
Tetracycline.
Ceclor.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Here's your nitroglycerine.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Oh, um about your fee.
It's a standard rate for a first time visit.
I was thinking I may have a more meaningful way to compensate you.
Well, I once did a security clearance for an engineer called Yevgeny Fleischman.
Not altogether a common name.
Well, the two of you could be related.
Distant cousins.
I think that's highly unlikely.
Perhaps, Dr.
Fleischman.
But just take a look at the dossier and then whatever you decide.
Think about it.
Hey! Got your mail! Okay.
What are you doing delivering my mail? Well, I just thought I'd save you a trip to Ruth-Anne's store.
Well, thanks.
Mmm-hmm.
You're very welcome.
So, Chris.
Mmm? Do you remember that John Coltrane album? The one with the bright blue cover and he was playing the soprano sax.
Yeah.
My Favorite Things.
Yeah.
That album had an inscription on it.
It said, "Dig it! Your bro, Tooley.
" Yeah.
I loved that album.
I used to I'd crank it up, and just drift off, you know? Somebody ripped it off.
It was me.
What? I'm the one who stole it.
You stole it? Yeah.
See, you were in Maurice's office and I came in and I was delivering your new stylus and it was just lying there on the console and I don't know how to explain it.
It just spoke to me.
You know what I mean? You know? It just spoke to me.
I mean, I've never stolen anything in my life.
Let me get this straight.
You came in here and stole my John Coltrane album? I was gonna give it back, I swear.
I got home, and I said to myself, "What have you done?" I was really embarrassed.
But then my house burned down, and it was in the closet so all I can do now is offer my sincerest, my deepest apology.
That album was a gift from my closest friend.
Yeah, I know how this must make you feel.
But listen, I want you to stop and think about something.
I'm gonna die someday, okay? I'm gonna die.
That's just really made me stop and think.
We're all gonna die! So we should do good things, you know? Positive healing things.
Get out of here.
Well, all right.
But I just think it's good to make peace with our past, admit our faults.
Yeah, I don't wanna see you for a while.
Can you handle that? Well, okay.
Chris, I just really have to tell you, I feel so much better for having got this off my chest.
I really, really do.
Good.
With the mittens, that will be $65.
85.
I have something of historical significance which I think will interest you.
I'm sure you remember this.
It's Khrushchev's shoe.
The one he banged in the UN.
Really? Mmm-hmm.
Bulgarian manufacture.
European size 40.
Nikita Sergeyevich had small feet.
Delicate.
I'm sure with the current market for historical memorabilia that that's worth a great deal more than $65.
Do you have any documentation on this? Well, I'm giving you my word.
If it's all the same to you, I'll take the cash.
Hey, Bobrov.
I wanna talk to you.
In here.
Come here.
Hey, hey, hey.
I've been told to watch my blood pressure.
Who cooks this up? Cooks up? Yes, fabricates.
Manufactures.
Makes up.
Oh, come on now, Minnifield.
We agreed upon a price.
We have a deal.
I'm not talking about money here.
I'm talking about my reputation.
Listen to this.
"Saturday, November 3rd, 1959.
"After sexual intercourse "Minnifield bragged to Agent Furtseva "that the Atlas booster, a military rocket modified for a one-man capsule "was capable of Furtseva, eh? This never happened.
What, you mean you never had sex with her? I had sex with a woman by the name of Linda who purported to be the desk clerk at the Coconut Palm Inn in Key Biscayne, Florida.
Well.
Look, Bobrov I'm a military man, born and bred.
I know the meaning of classified.
I did not spill the beans here.
If you say so.
Look, you don't understand the magnitude of this thing.
People will read this tripe and believe at best, I'm a fool, and at worst, a traitor.
You didn't compromise anything.
We already knew the thrust capabilities of the Atlas booster.
That's not the point.
Look, I'm a bona fide American hero.
I'm in books.
I'm in museum displays.
People look up to me.
Anybody reading this tripe would believe it.
Maurice- I will not have the American people believing that I sang to some chippy in a Florida motel room.
It's ancient history, Maurice.
It's water over the dam.
You go on home.
Finish your memoirs.
Chicken-fried steak.
Oh.
Oh, no.
What? Something wrong? Well, I did order a grilled steak.
Oh, no problemo.
No, wait.
It's okay.
Really.
Dave will fix you another one.
No, maybe it was my fault.
You know, maybe I wasn't clear.
Besides, I'm sure it's delicious, and I'm sure I'll love it.
Okay.
Want some A1? Nope.
I bet it's perfect just the way it is.
Thanks, Bill.
Ow.
What? Well, it's weird.
I just got this little pain.
Ow.
You okay? Yes.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Hey, Shelly, how about some more fries? Coming.
How you doing? Fine.
Thanks.
You sure I can't get you something? Huh? Oh, no.
Thanks.
Well, maybe a glass of water.
Sure thing.
Hey, babe Last Boy Scout starts tomorrow.
Wanna catch the matinee? Well, I can't, Shelly.
I got a bulk run to do.
Dave, would you give me a glass of water? Sure.
Well, why don't you ask Jason? You mean the kid? Uh-huh.
You want me to go to the movies with the health inspector? Well, he seems kind of lonely.
He's always on the road alone.
Okay, hon.
Sure.
I'm gonna take off, Maurice.
So early? It's 2:00 a.
m.
It is? Oh, yeah.
Everything okay? Yesterday, the words were flowing.
Today, nothing.
Hmm Chris can I rely on your confidentiality? Absolutely.
Thirty years ago I betrayed my country.
No kidding? Yeah.
What'd you do? Well, the details aren't important.
Suffice it to say that in a moment of braggadocio I said some things that I probably shouldn't have.
Fortunately, there were no repercussions and after a time I put it out of my mind.
But today something happened that brought back to mind that terrible lapse.
Well, I know what you're feeling.
You do? The feeling you're feeling is guilt.
Guilt? I've never felt that in my life.
Really? Yes, really.
That surprises me, Maurice, you know, considering your history, and all.
You wanna stick to the subject here? Okay.
Here you are, a national figure, a hero.
You're rich, you're famous.
But behind it all, there's this kind of a deep, dark secret.
So in your gut, you feel you don't deserve it.
The success, the fame, the wealth.
That's ridiculous.
Maybe.
See you tomorrow.
All right, how often do you feel the pain? Two, three times a day.
After meals? No.
By the way, I wanna thank you for seeing me on such short notice.
All right.
Why don't you lie down? Tell me exactly where it hurts.
Right around here.
It's probably nothing.
I shouldn't even be bothering you.
Does that hurt? Mmm.
I'm sorry if I wasted your time.
All right, sit up.
Is there anything that you do that makes you feel better? Well, you know, I do seem to feel better after I eat something.
Uh-huh.
By the way, Fleischman, you know, I really never get to say this but it really is a comfort being under the care of such a knowledgeable physician as yourself.
Good.
Your symptoms are consistent with someone who is developing a peptic ulcer.
Ulcer? An ulcer.
An ulcer? That's right.
Fleischman, I can't possibly be getting an ulcer.
Oh? Why not? Because, I never have stomach problems.
Never, ever.
I mean, I can eat anything.
Jalapeno, curry, horseradish, you name it.
Well, you under any stress? Stress? Yeah.
No.
Not a bit.
Well, what about this quest of yours? The "I'm gonna be a better person" thing? Well, no, that's been great, actually.
That's been fabulous.
I mean, that's been why I've been so incredibly good.
Okay.
Hop down.
Look, I want you to eat regularly, okay? Avoid spicy foods, cut out the booze.
Look, Fleischman, I'm sure it's just a sour stomach.
All right.
Well, pick up some Mylanta or Maalox.
If that doesn't work, I'll put you on Tagamet.
Well, Fleischman, I thank you for your understanding.
You're a caring, absolutely first-rate doctor, but I do not have an ulcer.
But thank you very much.
Bye, Marilyn.
That was so cool.
I loved it when that dude kept boppin' Bruce Willis in the face with a gun and then Bruce got really ticked off and smashed the guy's nose up into his brain.
What? You didn't like it? Oh, it was a good movie.
I just worry about the message it sends to the public.
What do you mean? Shelly, you can't sustain those kinds of blunt instrument head traumas and just get up and walk away.
Oh.
Don't get me wrong, this was a lot of fun.
I don't get to see many movies.
Most towns I visit aren't large enough to sustain a movie theater.
Bummer.
Oh I'm not gonna be on the road forever.
My goal is to make supervisor by the time I'm 30.
And if that doesn't work out I can always get my independent contractor's license.
That's cool.
Well this is where I live.
Bitchin'.
Yeah, I'd invite you in, but that's Probably wouldn't be right.
I mean, I wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea.
About you and me.
Oh.
So.
Thanks again.
Sure.
See you.
See you.
I see a definite resemblance.
Yes.
He doesn't look anything like me.
No, no, no, look.
It's here in the eyes.
A certain quality.
I'm trained to notice these things.
Marilyn, does he look anything like me? Uh-huh.
Get out of here.
He's white.
You have to remember, too, that photographs don't fax very well.
He's not my relative.
Wait a minute.
What's this? What, you denied him security clearance? Well, I had to.
Yevgeny was involved with Jewish dissident groups.
He was a refusenik.
Well, it looks like he just wanted to study Hebrew.
Well, our policy was very clearly spelled out.
My hands were tied.
Well, you know my family used to talk about stuff like this.
Every Passover.
You know what Passover is? Fleischman.
Well, every Passover at my Aunt Freda's we would sit around the table eating latkes and we would take a moment to remember the Russian Jews.
The ones that didn't get out.
Family, must be nice.
I have a wife, but we're separated.
I have a boy by a previous marriage, but we barely speak.
See, the point is, this is exactly what we were talking about.
A man like this, like Yevgeny Fleischman.
My son was up on the tank with Yeltsin.
He says to me, "Dad, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
" I'll take it.
I'm sorry? The dossier, I'll take it.
Your bill is settled, Mr.
Bobrov.
So, did you enjoy the picture show? Yes, sir.
Okay, why don't you look the report over? Make sure everything is clear.
With pleasure.
I'm afraid I don't understand.
What does this mean, "violations"? Those are the conditions that need to be remedied.
Remedied? "The operator of an establishment shall insure that all studs, joists "and rafters are not exposed in food preparation areas.
" They're a potential source of contamination.
You know, actually you did pretty well.
We use 100 point scale, and you got a 78.
Most of the problems were in food equipment and utensils.
If you'd please just initial the boxes and sign at the bottom.
Who do you think you are? I beg your pardon? You come in here and tell me what's wrong with my bar.
Mr.
Vincoeur - You try to tell me how to run my business? Your business is a public establishment.
My job is to guarantee the public a clean, safe meal.
Well, let me tell you where you can stick your clean, safe meal.
Mr.
Vincoeur, are you going to sign the report? I am not.
Refuses to sign.
You have 14 days to comply.
Yeah? And if I don't? I'll have to close you down.
Maurice.
Haven't seen you around in a while.
What are you burning? Memoirs.
How come? Who was I to think I could hold myself up as an example to people? The Early Years: Honor and Glory.
Hey, Maurice, you know I'm all for rash behavior, you know? We both know that.
Don't you think you're overreacting just a bit with this? You hit the nail on the head, Chris.
I'm a fake and a fraud.
No, you're not.
That's a very subjective term.
Not in this Marine's book, it's not.
Look, why don't you and I, we go over to Holling's we have a couple of pops, you know.
I'll buy.
Come on.
You want a drink? I got a bottle right here.
Mescal? Save me the worm.
Hello, Dr.
Fleischman.
Sorry.
You like me to knock.
It's okay, Ed.
Well, I wanted to tape Das Boot, but the tracking on my VCR's out.
So I was wondering if I could borrow yours.
Yeah.
This is incredible.
I mean, listen to this.
"At age nine, Yevgeny joined the Young Pioneers.
"At 14, the Komsomol.
"At 18, he matriculated into the Kiev Polytechnical Institute.
" Polytechnical, huh? Expelled from the Komsomol for Zionist activities.
Zionist activities? Probably made matzoh or lit a menorah, right? The fact is Yevgeny was kicked out of the Komsomol for the simple reason that he evinced some pride in being a Jew.
Oh.
I mean, it's the same story, Ed, over and over no matter where you look throughout history.
Look what they did to Dreyfus.
Richard Dreyfuss? No.
Jacques, Andre.
I don't know.
The thing is, he was framed.
He was taken away in chains to Devil's Island.
Why? Why? Because he was a Jew.
Wow.
A Jew, Ed.
I mean, that's what I am.
This could just as easily have been my life.
Yours? Yeah.
I mean, if my grandfather hadn't bribed some muzhik 50 rubles to smuggle him across the Russian frontier in the back of a haywagon I could have been Yevgeny Fleischman.
I would have been Yevgeny Fleischman.
Oh.
Don't worry, Ed, it's not the end of the story.
You know where he is now? Israel.
He made it.
Oh.
I mean, you see what it means for a Jew to have his own country? After 2,000 years of wandering, he can finally go home.
He can always go to Israel.
What? Well, you can't go anywhere, Dr.
Fleischman.
You're stuck here.
Good night, Dr.
Fleischman.
Get the lead out, babe.
We gotta open up.
Listen here, Shelly.
"Toilet tissue must be provided in a wall-hung or protected container.
" I mean, plain old TP isn't enough.
After breakfast, you and Dave can go to Sleetmute.
Snag all the stuff you need for repairs.
"Ventilation devices must prevent grease or condensation "from collecting on walls and ceilings.
" Holling, you hear me? I am not gonna go to Sleetmute after breakfast.
I am not gonna make these repairs.
What do you mean? I'm not gonna give that little milk-toothed snoop the satisfaction.
Holling, if you don't fix those things, he's gonna close us down.
Yeah? We'll see about that.
Wait a sec.
Are you just PO'd because your little scam didn't work? What scam? You know let Jason take Shelly to the movies, so he doesn't bag on you.
That's got nothing to do with it.
No? This is a slap in the face.
It's an insult, Shelly.
Holling, he just wants the hair out of the soup.
Oh, no.
No, he's judging us.
He's coming in here with this 100 point scale, and he is judging us.
You call this being judged? Obviously you have never been in a beauty pageant.
What has that got to do with anything? Holling, being judged is standing in stiletto heels on a hot stage with only inches of spandex between you and your birthday suit.
And these horny businessmen and their dried up old sosh-types with their scorecards are eyeballing you, just dying to find things wrong.
And when they do it's not something lame, like a stovetop or a leaky faucet.
Uh-uh.
It's your nips or your butt or your ankles.
And let me tell you something else.
When a chick goes in for her repairs she doesn't just go out and buy some PVC or two-by-fours.
Uh-uh.
She goes under the knife.
The knife? We're talking silicone and tummy tucks.
Beauty contestants don't complain because they know if they want that crown they got to play the game.
Hurry up.
Hey, Maurice.
You know, Maurice, I was trying to come up with a historical figure for you, you know somebody you got a reverential thing for like George Patton or J.
Edgar Hoover.
And I thought that big picture in the library that you got of MacArthur.
Sacking him was the stupidest thing Truman ever did.
The man was a true warrior-statesman.
Should have been president.
What about him? I want you to take a look at this, okay? I bought if from Viktor.
Viktor? Mmm-hmm.
I'm not interested.
I'll read it.
"Top Secret.
Immediate.
"October 4th, 1936.
"Our efforts vis-à-vis General MacArthur have finally been rewarded.
"As usual, we allowed him to win at the Wednesday evening poker game.
" What the hell? "Pleased with his success at the gaming table, the General drank heavily "fell asleep, and we were able to photograph the contents of his briefcase.
" I don't believe a word of it.
"Included were contingency plans for a Soviet attack "on the Baltic states and Finland.
Expense account to follow.
" That never happened.
Maybe not.
MacArthur retired from the army the following year and it was only after Pearl Harbor that they asked him back.
Is that a coincidence? He offered me some juicy stuff on John Foster Dulles but I didn't have the cash.
J.
Edgar Hoover and Tolson, too.
See you later, okay? Hey, O'Connell.
How you feeling? Better, thank you.
Much better.
What's that? What? What, you forget to shave? No, no, no, no.
It's just a little coffee.
What's behind your back? Nothing.
Come on, O'Connell.
Well, okay, so it's a little Maalox.
But really, I don't feel any pain.
It's just a little twinge.
It's no big deal.
I hardly notice it.
Look, I have this theory about what's going on with you.
Oh, well, that's nice, Fleischman, but I'm really not interested.
All right, well, just follow me if you can.
I think that this gastrointestinal episode of yours is related to this attempt to be a nicer person.
Oh, really? Yeah.
See it's inherently flawed.
It's ill-conceived.
I mean, call it what you like, okay? We could say human nature, the devil, whatever.
People are simply incapable of prolonged, sustained goodness.
So this mission of yours, it's unachievable and to tell you the truth, it's medically ill-advised.
Medically ill-advised? Well, in your case, yes.
I mean, the cornerstone of your psyche is this unfocused, searing rage.
Yeah? Yeah.
I don't think I know of a more negative, reproachful individual.
You're going completely against your grain.
You are seriously jeopardizing your health.
So by trying to be good, I'm making myself ill? Every good deed, every kind gesture, every generous impulse you are putting another nail in your coffin.
Clean.
Good non-slip surface.
Non-absorbent shelf liners.
Very nice.
Hard maple cutting board.
Glassware stored in the proper inverted position.
You could use another couple of foot-candles of light in the kitchen but I can let that slide.
Way to go.
Keep up the good work, Mr.
Vincoeur.
I'll be back.
Thanks, Jason.
I'd like to stay longer, but there are a lot of towns out there.
A lot of food service establishments.
So long.
Take care.
Oh, Holling, I'm proud of you, babe.
My Rose Garden reception took place the second week in May.
The First Lady was resplendent in a matching azure blue skirt and jacket.
The President wore a gray chalk-striped suit and a red foulard tie.
I was surprised by Kennedy's stature.
I expected a taller man.
Minnifield.
I'm taking off today.
I was wondering, I have an old LA address for Carpenter and I understand that he'd moved back to Colorado.
I thought you might happen to know - No, I wouldn't.
Well, I'm sorry.
I would've just thought- And that garbage about MacArthur don't you ever sell that to anyone again.
Don't be all day with that.
Okay.
What garbage about MacArthur? Beats me.
Excuse me! Yeah, excuse me! Hey! Listen, I haven't been feeling very well lately, and I was trying to take a nap! What I'm trying to say here is would you mind stopping that for a while? What's that? That.
Please, could you stop that? I'll be done in a minute! Look, you inconsiderate clod, turn the thing off now or I'm gonna get my gun and turn it into scraps! Look at yourself.
You pollute the air with your noise and fumes.
You have no respect for your neighbors, the environment.
It's idiots like you, you know, who are choking the environment to death! You're a blight! You're a menace! You ought to be locked up.
Yes! Allo? Uh, hi.
Is your daddy there? Yevgeny Fleischman? Hello? Hello? Yevgeny? Yevgeny Fleischman? Da.
Hi.
Hello.
Did you speak English? English, nyet.
Oh, Hebrew? No.
Not at all.
Look, you're probably not gonna get any of this but my name is Fleischman, too.
It's Joel Fleischman.
Fleischman? We're not related.
Actually, it's a long story but I read your dossier and I kind of - I feel like I know you, like we could be family.
I mean, I know we're not, but I don't know.
I just wanted to give you a call and hear the sound of your voice.
Just to see if it sounded familiar.
Joel? Joel.
Yeah, Joel Fleischman.
Fleischman? Yevgeny.
Joel.
Yevgeny.
How are things in Israel, Yevgeny?