Offspring (2010) s04e09 Episode Script

Why in God's name did you choose such a hot counsellor? Are you insane? I can honestly say I've never had a single sexual thought about him.
It's alright.
Eloise is lesbotic, too.
Kim, are you a thoroughbred if you've never really slept with anybody? That just makes you a very pure thoroughbred.
This was always the plan, wasn't it, Phil? Buy the brand, ransack the staff.
Er, no, actually.
Ange can stay.
I am an almost middle-aged real estate failure and you are Justin Bieber of inner urban Melbourne.
It made me think how lucky I am to have what I have with you.
Should we buy a house together? Should be get joint bank accounts? Should we get married? Mmm.
Oh, God.
Mmm.
Mmm.
What? You? Surprised? Well Disappointed? No.
I should be.
Do you like that? Oh.
Kiss me.
No.
Oh.
Mmm.
Hey, Nina.
Pick me.
What? Mmm.
Are you awake? Mmm? Oh, hi, hi.
Hi.
How are you? I'm I'm good.
I was asleep and you started kissing me and I'm pretty sure you were asleep.
Yes, I was.
I was asleep.
Sex dream.
No, just a dream.
Where are you going? I just feel like having a walk around.
Hey, no, oh, no, no.
I was asleep and you started kissing me and now I'm in a place where I'd like you to keep kissing me.
Oh I've just got to have a shower.
Are you alright? Yeah, I'm fine.
You seem preoccupied.
You're, like, fidgety.
It's not because I brought up marriage, is it? What? Pardon? You've seemed skittish ever since I mentioned the word.
I'm I'm Oh.
It wasn't a proposal.
I just thought maybe we should talk about the future.
Is that it? Once mention of the word 'marriage' and - pow! - sex dreams about another man.
Seven months pregnant.
Fantastic.
Oh, hi.
Hello.
Billie wouldn't like me calling you but I'm going away for the night and she is in a bad way.
Bad, as in throwing things? She won't get out of bed.
It's been an ongoing issue but today's the first day of her new job and I was hoping Oh, well, when she was a teenager she used to spend most of the day in bed.
Well, what got her out of it? Nothing.
Right, so this call's been a waste of time? Sorry.
Oh, it's Billie.
Hello.
Mick just called you, didn't he? Ihave spoken with him.
Why can't he Butt out, OK? I just picked up the phone.
Sorry.
So, how's your first day? Go, girl! Please! Hey, you're up.
Hey, you're angry.
I'm just having a shower.
Come to Hotham.
I've got to work.
Come after.
Oh, it'll be all these 18-year-old festival bunnies.
OK.
Just bopping around driving me crazy.
You know, I think you might be depressed.
And that's your professional diagnosis? Chemical imbalance? I probably shouldn't have said that.
Look, I know you're having a shit time but you're talking it out on me, so Have a great gig tonight.
See? There he is.
The man from your dream.
And are you attracted to his warm, glowing smile or his eager, young, caring young This is starting to get weird for me.
That wasn't a dream.
It was a waking fantasy.
Coming to this session was a mistake.
How are the two of you? Fine.
You're fidgety again.
Again? She's been fidgety ever since I raised the subject of marriage.
I deny that.
Well, certainly since the sex dream.
I don't think Lawrence wants to hear about our sex dreams.
Do you? Whatever you two want to talk about is fine.
Well, I'd like to hear about it.
Dreams don't always make sense.
I have a feeling yours did.
In a vague fantastical kind of way.
Alright, well, if it's a fantasy, let's hear it.
You are under no pressure to reveal the contents Well, you tell me your sex dream, then.
I'm not the one having sex dreams.
You want to know mine so much, tell us one of yours.
You and I are in a crowded room, people all around, we run out of there to a fire escape and have sex.
Oh, but our first kiss was on a fire escape, so That was a really hot moment for me.
Your turn.
Patrick, Nina might not want to tell you about her fantasy Dream.
Dream, sorry.
She might be worried about your reaction.
No, I'm fine to talk about things.
What are you doing? I'm transparent.
Good.
So tell us.
Make it up.
My dream was about a New Year's Eve party.
New Year's Eve? Yes.
Yes.
I find New Year's Eve to be a night of turbocharged raunch.
Especially when everyone's gone home at the end of the night.
There are lots of empty glasses and chairs knocked over and paper lanterns, party poppers that have already been popped.
Oh.
That's a turn-on.
And music playing, and then you turn to me and you say, "Don't leave.
"Dance with me.
" And then we dance.
And then what? And then we have sex, obviously.
And that's what my dream was about.
At the risk of annoying you, you still seem to be a bit withdrawn.
To be honest, I didn't love talking about the dream.
Well, isn't that the whole idea of counselling, is to talk about things? Well, we can keep some things between us.
We don't have to go into the intimate details of our sex dreams.
Bingo.
Intimate details.
I'm right there.
Morning, Jimmy.
I heard "sex dreams".
Whose? Yours? No.
No, no, we're not talking about this.
I guess that all just depends on who is the fastest to the front door.
Oh! Now, this dream, is it the one where you're on a train and some guy sits down next to you and strikes up a conversation and then suddenly you're doing it right there in the carriage? Is that your sex dream? No, I just assumed it would be Nina's.
Which one of these? Oh, either one.
Oh That one.
You can spill it or we can keep guessing.
What was your dream? Alright, I had a sex dream about our couples counsellor, Lawrence.
That's right, none of you even knew we were in counselling, did you? Well, we are.
And our counsellor is hot.
And hot Lawrence asked me to pick him instead of Patrick, which I take to be something to do with marriage, which - there! - you didn't know we were talking about that either, did you? I'm seven months pregnant and I'm wasting my time having sex fantasies about other hot men.
Happy now?! Can we please just leave Nina alone? She obviously doesn't want to talk about it.
What are your sex dreams about, Phillip? Oh, I don't like to say.
No.
Good for you.
They're a natural, healthy part of life.
Some people just don't want I had a memorable one recently.
OK.
It was about Patrick.
It was very satisfying.
I'm not ashamed of it.
I hope that doesn't embarrass anyone.
Oh, get a grip.
It was just a dream.
Though, I will say this, you were very persuasive.
And supple! Oh, my word! Oh, Mum.
I'm so ready to move on from the whole sex dream conversation.
That was so confronting.
Can't wait to get to work do something important.
Work.
Hello.
Hi, it's me.
Just so you know, I've just spoken to Zara and she told me about your sex dream.
See you soon.
So, you just push this button here and the machine will give you your smart card.
Keep that card with you and when you've finished doing what you're doing I'm only going to be 20 minutes.
Great, OK.
So when you've finished doing that, you take the card, put it in the large machine over there and it will print you an exit voucher.
Yeah, yeah, I'm just going to be 20 minutes.
Well, the machine keeps track of how long you've been.
It'll just charge you for that.
OK? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No phone calls.
Oh, I'll just be a second.
No phone calls.
Are you serious? Hi.
You've reached Billie Proudman.
Leave me a message.
Hey, it's me.
I'm just hitting the road.
I hope you're having a good day at work.
If you change your mind, want to come to Hotham Anyway, I'll be back tomorrow.
Call me.
If you want me to tell her, I'll tell her.
If you don't want me to tell her, I won't.
It's up to you.
I don't mind.
Here she comes.
Morning.
You've got some surgeries today.
Thank you.
If you're about to start teasing me No! I know everyone thinks sex dreams are hilarious.
It's not that.
What's going on? So Actually, later.
Is that OK? Yeah, course.
What? Nothing.
Oh, you are kidding me.
Salamat! Something My friends, my friends, my friends.
Martin.
Oh, may I? Hello, in there.
Yes, well, I won't go on and on about my time in Borneo, except to say that the best part was living near and sometimes amongst a society of orangutans.
Although we won't miss the attentions of a particularly aggressive female.
I wasn't going to sleep with her, no matter how many times she urinated on me.
Are you finished with my belly? Yes.
Oh, I was hoping for a kick or a shrug or something.
Oh.
Anyway, never mind.
Welcome back.
Thank you.
Did Stella get my postcards? Mm y No.
Careful.
My tummy.
Tell me you didn't enjoy that.
I don't want you.
Not consciously.
I want Patrick.
Nina, stop resisting.
I'm committed to him.
Oh, yeah? How committed are you? Sex dreams? Waking fantasies? Full-blown commitment freak-out? Come on, Nina, get it together.
Marriage? What difference would being married even make? Er, Dr Clegg's called a weird meeting.
Weird? How? Everybody hold hands.
Hold hands.
When I was away, I saw my life anew.
This place, and what we do.
We're more than just colleagues.
We are a family and I I want to re-engage with you.
You want us to cough up some gossip.
Oh, yes.
OK.
Nina's been having sex dreams.
Ooh! Hey! No.
No.
Don't put up the prude barrier.
We all have sexual fantasies.
I've taken all of you for a sexual test drive in my head.
Zara was the best.
Thank you, Kim.
For me, Patrick was the best.
And I agree with your mother - supple.
Yes, yes, he would be.
But don't worry, I'm not after him.
Good.
If I was, I'm pretty sure I could've got him.
These sex dreams you're having, they're not about me, are they? No.
No, but when you do have them, are the images pleasurable? Can we please stop this? I'm a virgin.
Be brave.
I need help.
I want help to Oh, my God.
I'm on it.
Right, it's this.
Eloise wants her first sex and we're gonna help her get it.
There's a lesbian night tonight called Lickety Split.
Not Tough Muff? No, not Tough Muff.
Why not? 'Cause of you.
Well, why is everybody assuming that she's a lesbian? She is like a precious exotic flower just waiting to open, it has to be plucked with very particular fingers, like a Stop.
Yeah, that one was getting away from me.
You need to support Eloise.
I What? I do support Eloise.
Illuminating.
Hey.
Hey.
So I've made another appointment for us to see Lawrence again this week.
What? I think we should.
This morning's session was a write-off.
Oh, I don't think we need to go again.
In fact, I don't want to go to counselling anymore.
Are you serious? Why? 'Cause I don't think it's doing us any good.
You don't think we should finish what we've started? Yes, but I just I can't think about counselling today.
I'll cancel the session.
Hey, you should come to the festival.
Billie can't make it.
I wish I could, mate.
I know you'll have a great time.
I'm sorry I can't come.
Ah, it was a long shot.
Thought maybe you'd be up for a spontaneous adventure.
Yeah, well, my spontaneous adventures require a bit more planning these days.
Yeah.
Let's not drift apart, yeah? What? Piss off.
No, I mean it.
You know, now that you're a rock star and I'm a brilliantly successful taco dad, I can feel you slipping away.
Yeah, I'm going now.
Did you get the photos I emailed? Doesn't Nina look beautiful? Jimmy's quite the young entrepreneur these days.
Oh, that? Well, to be honest, I'm not quite sure how that's going.
No, no, no, I don't expect any sympathy from you, Darcy.
Phillip is ostentatiously considerate, to the point of suffocation.
He never leaves! I try to be patient.
He asks me which tea towel to use.
I want to scream, "Just pick any one! It's a tea towel.
" He fusses and he follows me.
He bumps into doorways when he walks through them.
Frankly, it's exhausting.
Yes, I'd better go, too.
Phillip will no doubt be here soon for lunch.
Yeah, give my love to Cherie.
OK, bye.
Bye.
Ah.
Here for lunch, are you? Yep.
It's the sort of thing people joke about, and I understand why.
I'm very sorry that that just happened.
I'm gonna go back to work.
Thanks.
So, I cancelled our counselling session.
I think the thought of marriage spooked you.
Are you having doubts about us? Well, I'm having a baby.
It's a bit late for doubts.
Ouch.
I didn't mean it like that.
You wanted to quit counselling and you seem a bit edgy, but you're shutting me out.
No, I'm not.
Can you just, right now, can you not question my faith because I'm just today I'm a bit OK.
Well, that was good, wasn't it? No? No opinion? Are you in a bad mood, too? Or just asleep? I was hoping for a kick or a shrug or something.
It's easy to miss movements when you're on your feet.
I barely sat down all day.
The last time the baby moved was yesterday.
No, you're being silly.
Stop it.
Just stop it.
Neens? Just give me a second, I'm just putting my earpiece in.
Oh What is it? How's your first day? What do you want? Just calling.
Um, I need you to talk sense to me.
I'm at work.
Yeah, I don't know how to say this.
Well, just say it.
Hey! I don't think the baby's moving.
Talk on your own time.
Hello.
I'm talking to someone.
Huh? You're taking my phone? You can have it back at the end of the day.
Prick.
Probably imagining it.
The baby's most likely asleep.
Wake up, little one.
That's it.
Don't panic.
OK, Nina, we're not going into a tailspin.
You could so easily be wrong.
We've got surgery.
What? Yes, good.
So, er, you take your smart card, and when you finish doing what you're doing, like buying bags of poo for the garden or having your bush waxed Sorry? Oh, sorry, I got your attention.
So, um, you take your smart card and when you come back I don't like your tone.
When you come back, you take the smart card, that one there I can figure it out because I'm not an idiot.
OK, well, then, in that case, you can take the smart card and shove it up your smart arse.
Fuck you and fuck this.
No.
Still no movement.
Billie.
Neens, I just walked out of my job.
And before you get all judgy, it was a shit job so now I'm gonna get trashed.
And you'd be invited, too, if you weren't pregnant.
So, this Lickety Split night, are you coming? Er, I'd like to.
Good.
I'd feel safer being there with someone I trust.
The thing is, I just I'm just waiting on something, some information, so I might not be able to.
Sure.
Be smart, Nina.
What advice would you give to a woman in this situation? You'd say, "Get yourself along to the hospital "and have it checked out.
" Yep, that's what you'd say.
Kim.
Mmm? Can you come with me, please? Yeah.
What is it? Are you spotting? I can't I can't feel the baby.
It's no movement.
You've been on your feet all day.
Yeah, I know.
Is it that? I know, I'm so busy.
When was the last time you felt the baby moving? Last night.
Have you had some chocolate? Eat this.
It's OK.
We're just gonna see if the sugar wakes the baby up.
Don't say anything.
Of course not.
You just sit there.
Alright, to confirm, Lickety Split.
Yep.
What? What's going on? Rack off.
Rack off yourself.
What am I gonna wear? What are you gonna wear? Rack off.
Tell me I'm not being stupid.
No, if you haven't felt the baby move since yesterday, you're not being stupid.
Patrick's first child was stillborn.
We're gonna get you to the ultrasound suite.
Alright? Nina Dr Proudman's phone.
Yeah, I'm with her.
Yep.
OK.
Baby.
Come on, Chelsea, one more push.
No.
Come on.
I can't.
Yes, you can.
Yes, you can.
What do you think, Jonah? Can she do it? Come on, baby, you can do this.
Come on.
Come on, you can do it That's the way.
That's the way.
Here we go, here's your beautiful girl.
Yes.
Hello, baby.
Oh, I love you.
I love you, too.
Hello, baby.
Love you.
A little girl.
And I said, "No, madam, I can't do that.
"That would be breaking the law.
" Phil D'Arabont.
Hello? Anybody there? Phil D'Arabont.
I can hear breathing.
Billie! Is that you? Billie? Hi! What are you doing? Are you coming in to say hello? Ooh! Oh Are you OK? Alright.
Where are you, my little friend? Ah, there you are.
Thank God.
I like what I'm seeing here.
As you can see, your baby has moved into a position that has made its movements more difficult to discern.
But I assure you all is well.
Thanks, Martin.
Come on, dick nose.
It's not just that I can only get a shit job it's like I couldn't even do a shit job.
And why was she such a cow about me crashing into her car? I'm the one that loses the no-claim bonus.
I'm gonna stop you there, OK? And not because I'm bored, alright? It's just the more you keep talking about everything, the more it looks like you're getting ready to jump off a cliff.
Well, cheer me up.
Yeah.
Tell me how shit it is working for D'Arabont.
Oh, well, he's not as much fun as you.
What, that's the worst thing you can say about him? No.
Hell no.
There's a million things.
Er, he's so efficient and and professional.
Like, eugh.
Oh, no, no.
I mean, I loved the weird fun chaos when you ran PRE.
PRE? Yeah.
Proudman Real Estate.
I'm sorry, that's how we're saying it now 'cause 'PRE - a Phil D'Arabont Enterprise'.
Come on, let's go somewhere else.
I want to get so slammed I can't think or speak.
OK.
Yep.
Are you coming home? Yes.
Almost ready.
Oh, Eloise.
Er, I'm meant to be going to this thingy with Eloise and Kim and Zara.
That's fine.
I said I'd see.
I'll cancel.
No, the baby's safe.
You can't spend every minute sitting still waiting for the baby to move.
Go out and have fun.
You sure? Yeah.
Cutie.
OK, um, there's two more wines Hey.
Hi.
Thank you for coming.
OK, it's alright.
This is just a look-see.
You don't have to do anything.
Ha.
I wouldn't know how.
Hi, Kim.
Hey.
Renee here? Nup.
She couldn't make it.
Well, that leaves you to get your dirty flirt on.
What are you doing here? We thought we'd take the opportunity for a night out.
Mum's with Alfie.
Is that not Mum right there? I suppose you're wondering why I'm here.
Yes.
Well, I like to come here sometimes to get away from Phillip.
It's the last place he'd think to look.
I don't go home with them.
I do quite like it when women hit on me, though.
Mother dear.
Child of my loins.
Funny you mention loin children.
I left my loin child with you so I could have a nice night out at this luau.
Explain yourself.
But Alfie's fine.
He's with Phillip.
I'm glad you're having fun.
Is the alcohol working for you? I'm drunker Mmm.
But nothing's actually improving.
I've never had any luck with men.
What? When I come to a place like this, I'm never the one the guys look at, you know? You know, we we could try chemical assistance.
Now I'm trying to tell if you're for real.
Well, it's an option.
I did not think that was your style.
You should've known me a few years ago.
II used to know a guy Oh, God! Yep, I've still got his number.
Ugly Pete.
Ugly Pete? Well, Pete, that's his name.
Pete's his name.
And he's ugly? No, he's gorgeous.
That's why he gets called ugly.
Are you being sarcastic? No, he's gorgeous.
You would love him.
In fact, you might.
And then at least one of us could have a happy ending tonight.
Cool.
It's ringing.
Are you OK? Mmm.
I feel the baby moving.
Oh.
Go and dance! Go on! Aha! You wait until Pete gets here.
Hey! Ugly! Billie Proudman, eh? Mwah! This is Ange.
Hey.
What's up? Yeah, good.
I mean, I should've said 'sup just then.
I'm drunk.
And I'm flustered in a way that I hope you enjoy.
Drinks? Sure.
Whatever's going.
Good.
I'll get it.
Wow, eh? You've, er you've scrubbed yourself up.
So have you! Yeah, I suppose.
Nice blouse.
What? So, er, what happened to you? What, you work in a call centre or what? Well, I was working in a car park.
I quit today.
That's more like the Billie P.
I know.
And I'm guessing you want pharmaceuticals.
Was gonna work my way up to asking.
I'm not connected anymore, Billie.
You know Danno's lab got done? Show's over.
So now I'm working in a drycleaner's.
C'est la vie.
La vie.
Here we go.
Whoa.
Whoo.
Cheers.
Fun, huh? Yeah.
Hey, if you see any women you want to pash, go for it.
What would you do if I did? Want to pash women? Or men? Er I don't think being parents means we have to stop being who we are.
Yeah, I agree.
Hey, Kim, what gives? You're usually the dance floor queen.
Resisting the temptation to flirt.
All good? Yep.
I'm just texting Patrick to let him know the baby's moving.
See? That is what I'm talking about.
Are you OK? Yeah.
I'm going home to my wife.
Slam it.
See? That's the way.
This girl, we used to call her Oh.
You don't want to know.
I'm gonna go.
What? No.
Why? We just got here.
Pete, nice to meet you.
See you, Ange.
I'll see you out.
Excuse me.
Ange! Oh.
Don't go.
Don't go.
No, no, you guys are catching up.
He's not into me.
No, no, he could be.
He's so not.
And I am about 10 seconds away from turning into the drunk crying girl, which I don't want to cry now.
Well, I'll come with you.
No, no, no.
Stay.
Have fun.
OK, I'm getting Alright.
You're great.
Very good.
Have fun.
I love you.
You're fun.
I am fun.
You're fun.
Whoo! Slam! Whoooooo! Let's go, Billie.
You OK? Yep.
Ow.
Phillip.
Yes.
Here.
He's asleep.
Oh, good.
Thank you for looking after him.
My pleasure.
We've been at a lesbian bar.
I think Mum's hot and bothered.
I am and I don't care who knows it.
I'm going to head off.
Well, you could stay.
Or I could go.
Goodnight.
Night.
Night.
Are you going home? Is this a little game? I overheard you complaining about me to Darcy.
Maybe you were just venting.
I was.
But then maybe again you were speaking the truth.
I'm crowding you.
Not all the time.
It's always been uneven - me wanting more of you than you want of me.
Phillip I'm too old to be walking on eggshells.
I choose not to.
So, goodnight.
I forgot my man bag.
Hey, Billie! Hey! Hello.
Hey, I'm back.
I came back as soon as we finished so I am here at the house.
Where are you? What are you doing out here? I'm waiting for you.
There's something I want to show you.
Wow.
God.
Everyone's gone home.
This wasn't a real fantasy.
I made it up.
I know, but I thought after everything that happened today, it might make you smile.
Do you like it? I like it.
I like you.
My sex dream was about Lawrence.
That's why you wanted to quit counselling.
It's funny.
Dance with me.
I don't want to get married.
My life is bound to yours in the most profound way already.
Let's not.
But I want you to know that I choose you.
I choose you.
I choose you, too.