Only Murders in the Building (2021) s04e09 Episode Script
Escape from Planet Klongo
1
[CHARLES-HADEN SAVAGE]
Sazz was my friend.
We're trying to solve her murder.
Right. For your podcast.
- [CRASHING]
- [SHOUTING]
[GRUNTS]
- Ben Glenroy?
- [GLEN STUBBINS] Ben's dead!
I'm Glen Stubbins, Ben's stunt double.
Can ya help me get a job on your film?
You lost your stunt double.
I lost my acting double.
- We could make each other whole again.
- [GUNSHOT]
[HOWARD MORRIS] Oh
God, they've been shot!
- [CREW SCREAMING]
- It's Glen! He's still alive!
[DETECTIVE DONNA WILLIAMS]
Stubbins is stable, but unconscious.
The bullet struck the plate in his
head and deflected to Gali-fine-akis.
I sign on to your crazy for a lifetime.
[OLIVER PUTNAM] You're
giving me a doll's bracelet?
I'm proposing to you,
Oliver. I wanna marry you.
[OLIVER] We're getting married
this weekend! [CHUCKLES]
Sazz figured this all out. Maybe
that's what she wanted to tell me.
I wanted to tell you something
about your friend, Sazz.
She was on the ham radio,
asking about all these huge plot
holes you had in your podcast.
You're how Sazz knew about all
the West Tower stuff in her notes.
She talked about a stuntman on a
movie called Project Ronkonkoma.
She said, "He's gonna
be the death of me."
- [PHONE CLICKS]
- What's Project Ronkonkoma?
Here we go! Project Ronkonkoma.
Who's the stunt person? Is
it someone we can talk to?
- [MABEL MORA] Not exactly.
- [EQUIPMENT BEEPING, HISSING]
[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHARLES] For those
of us in film and TV,
the people you work with are everything.
Until it's time to move
on to the next show,
and then it's easy to lose touch.
Talk to Pataki.
Hey hey, Spanko! How's it goin', man?
No, no, you're good.
I'm just leavin' set.
Project Ronkonkoma!
Of course, I can wrestle up a team!
[CHARLES] But sometimes,
you meet a person
you don't want to let go of.
And sometimes, they can change your life
in ways you never saw coming.
Ha, ha!
[STARTS CAR]
- [PERSON SCREAMS]
- [TIRES SCREECH]
- [PERSON YELPS]
- [PAPERS RUSTLE]
Geez!
- [PERSON GROANS]
- That was some flip!
I teach that in my Advanced
Somersault Intensive,
which is in the winter.
[PERSON PANTING]
You ever stunted before?
[QUIET HOSPITAL CHATTER]
[MABEL] There he is.
[IN IRISH ACCENT] Excuse
me, you can't go in there.
Oh, uh, we have to.
Uh, we're his family.
[IN IRISH ACCENT] Uh, that's right.
We're the Stubbinses, you know.
I'm Oliver. Th-This cailín is Mabel,
and of course, you've
met cousin Charles.
[IN IRISH ACCENT] And it
sure is good to know ya!
Well, the accent's new.
[NORMAL] Well, it's in and out.
Okay, fine, we're here
investigating a murder,
and we need to see Glen.
Glen is in a fragile state.
He can't be subjected to
an interrogation right now.
No need to worry, darlin'.
These are mild questions.
Like, uh, "We heard Sazz was
beefin' with her protégé.
Might that be you, Glen Stubbins?"
[IN IRISH ACCENT] And sure, whatever
happened on Project Ronkonkoma
on the Erin's green isle?
Um, and you know,
"Did you murder our friend?"
You're not goin' in. That's final.
Also, what's with the beer?
- [NORMAL] Oh, uh, we were going to
- No, please.
l-lure him out of his coma.
Ya thought the smell
of beer would rouse him?
Why? 'Cause he's Irish?
Did ya bring some corned beef, too?
- No
- [OLIVER GROWLS SOFTLY]
We also brought smellin' salts.
Good luck accusin' that
of being in bad taste.
I don't even know if they work. [SNIFFS]
[SNORTS, GAGS]
They work. They work.
[GASPS] We also brought a witchy board
on the off-chance he could
control it with his mind.
So?
[MABEL] Well, the nurse said
that she'd call if Glen wakes up.
- [OLIVER] Oh.
- [CHARLES] So, what do we do now?
What do I do with all this beer?
Sazz gave them to me the night she died,
but I'm never gonna drink
them 'cause, as you know,
beer is a peasant's drink.
Oliver, I'll take your peasant's beer
because I'm such a good friend.
You know, I've been thinking.
You're getting married in a few
days, and what if I took you out
and bought you a non-beer
drink to, uh, celebrate?
Charles, are you offering
to throw me a bachelor party?
I don't care what people say.
You're not an ice prince.
[GROWLS] Good people.
Guys, it's the bartender
from Concussions.
Ah!
The three jackasses who
promised to solve Sazz's murder.
We're still doing that.
- Hm, racked up a coma along the way.
- [OLIVER STARTS RECORDING]
Hey, uh, you're in the stunt world.
We heard Sazz's protégé
on Project Ronkonkoma
was giving her a hard time,
and Glen Stubbins ended up
with credit on the movie.
No.
Glen was brought in to
replace Sazz's protégé.
The guy fucked up so bad,
Sazz had to blackball him.
So, Sazz ended her protégé's career,
and then Glen replaced him.
That's motive to kill both of 'em.
So, Glen was never our
shooter. He was another victim.
Who was this protégé?
- And what happened on Project Ronkonkoma?
- [BARTENDER] I didn't know the guy.
The only ones who know what went
down are Sazz, Glen, and the director.
So, all we have to do is track
down the director of that movie,
who was
Ron Howard.
- [LIVELY THEME SONG PLAYING]
- [OLIVER GASPS]
Finally, a celebrity this season!
[VOCALIZING]
[THEME SONG FADES OUT]
- [CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- [SEAGULLS CAWING]
- [INDISTINCT PRODUCTION SET CHATTER]
- [CART RATTLING]
[SAZZ PATAKI] Oh! Your first
professional fire stunt.
- Oh! Alright.
- [CLAPS]
Now I know we've been
over this a million times.
We're gonna make it a
million and one. Ready?
- [PROTÉGÉ] Mm-hmm.
- [SAZZ] Step one,
grab your fireproof jock from
the deep freeze. Strap it on.
Step two, slather up your
tender bits with this stuff.
Wrists, neck, ankles.
Anything not covered by [SIGHS]
this flame-retardant vest,
AKA step three.
Yeah, it's a bit tattered,
it's a bit old school,
but it's a gift from my old man, and
it's kept me safe all these years.
Here, for you. Try it on.
Lather yourself up,
and we're gonna torch you.
Ooh! I'm so psyched for you.
Frank! You good?
♪
Well, took us long enough, but
we finally are on the right track.
Only question is how the
hell do we get to Ron Howard?
Well, I've been waiting to tell
you this for maximum impact, but
Ron-Ron and I are
close personal friends.
And you know it's true
because he called him Ron-Ron.
I'll have you know our headshots
are hung right next to each other
at my favorite Chinese restaurant.
Well, next to each other in
an across-and-down sort of way.
My face is covered by a plant,
but my pompadour is pompin'.
Great. Your pictures know each
other. That's incredibly helpful.
Devastating that you know me so well
and yet you could think
that was the end of my story.
The year!
1988. [SNIFFLES]
I was 10 dumplings deep,
but who should enter?
Hollywood's own, Ron Howard.
[EXCITED SNICKERING]
Next thing you know, we're
sharing an off-menu soup
that is so spicy, we
sweat through our shirts.
We talked into the wee hours,
topless, and, I don't know,
maybe we danced on top of the table.
I'm not sure. The end of
the evening is a bit fuzzy.
Not unlike Ron-Ron's
chest, which I do remember.
You saw Ron Howard's nipples?
- [SOFTLY] Oh, my God!
- Like two little cardinals in a bush.
Okay, let's just say that story is true.
Why don't you give, uh, your good
friend a call and get us some info?
[OLIVER] Well, this was
before cell phones, Mabel.
- [MABEL] Mm.
- I only have the number
to his car fax machine,
but if we stake out the
restaurant, we'll find him.
You know what? I'm just gonna call
Tommy Hanks and just get his number.
I mean, he's one of my close
personal friends, you know,
because, one time, I watched
The Polar Express.
[OLIVER LAUGHING]
That is fu Although,
speaking of Tom Hanks,
we should invite him.
Invite him to what?
My bachelor party.
I've literally spent the entire
time with you since the hospital.
- When would I have ever done that?
- I I'm sorry. Yes, okay.
B-But, the invites should
go out soon, Charles.
Yeah, Charles. I mean,
you have, like, 50 hours,
which means you're looking at Evites.
[GRUMBLES] Evites. Yeah,
that's not the classiest,
but that is the hand we have been dealt.
Alright, I'll keep it simple.
I just want three little things
for my bachelor party.
Whiskey,
A-list celebrities,
and someone who does something naughty,
and we all have to keep it a
secret for the rest of our lives.
I'll give you an acronym
to help you remember.
W-A-N-S, WANS.
[MOUTHING]
Whiskey, A-list
celebrities, naughty secret.
Got it.
H-E-L-P.
[SIGHS] This seems like a
really good time for me to exit.
So, I am gonna go visit someone
who can actually help
us find Ron Howard.
♪
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Come in.
- [GASPS] Mabel!
- Hey.
You look so pretty!
Wait, did we have something
on the books for today?
[MOUTHING] Hold.
- Skylar?
- [SKYLAR] [ON PHONE] Hi.
Hi, did we have something on
the books with Mabel today?
[SKYLAR] Maybe. I-I don't remember.
- I-It's fine if you
forgot. - [MOUTHING]
[SKYLAR] I keep forgetting!
You're in a safe space, don't worry.
[SKYLAR CHATTERING]
No, please don't take another
mental health day. Please, no.
- Okay, good. Bye.
- [SKYLAR CONTINUES FRANTICALLY CHATTERING]
- [HANGS UP]
- [WHISPERS] Can't take it anymore.
Uh [NERVOUS LAUGH] Sorry, there
was nothing on the books today.
I, um, I just I
wanted to ask you about
About the movie?
Ugh, let me tell you.
The movie is addicted
to being a piece of shit.
I hate the costumes. They're awful.
Eva Longoria is constantly unavailable
because of some TED Talk
or billionaire's birthday.
The Brothers Sisters are
draining every last drop of me.
[SIGHS] But, they do keep
asking for more Mabel scenes,
which is interesting.
Something about your
"erotic non-sexuality."
Yeah, it's the sweaters.
And every draft that Marshall
turns in is worse than the last.
It's like I can't even remember
the script that I fell in love with.
And I don't know if it's
the two coffee enemas
that I took this morning,
but I'm starting to think
that the Brothers Sisters
aren't actually identical.
[LOUD BLENDING]
[MOUTHING]
[BLENDER STOPS]
Well, uh, I just I came by
because I'm trying to
track down Ron Howard.
Uh, do you, by chance, know where he is?
Of course, I know where that fucker is.
- Wait, you do?
- [BEV MELON] Oh yes, Mabel.
You're nobody in this town if
you ain't keeping track of
[EXAGGERATED] Ron Howard.
[NORMAL] He's actually in New
York right now shooting a movie.
No one knows what it's
about or who's in it,
but I did hear that it's
very autobiographical
and very personal and very small,
and the budget is $200 million.
- [BEV SIGHS]
- [MABEL] Uh
Can I ask you a question?
When you talk, do you say "bro"?
Bro? No, I hang out with 70-year-olds.
Right. That's what I thought.
[SIGHS]
These pages are a big fat suck-fest.
You know what? I have an idea.
What if I give you Ron Howard's address,
and you do something for me,
and that would be taking
a pass on these scenes,
but you have to make sure it sounds
like the real Mabel. What do you think?
If, uh, if this lead pans out,
maybe, uh, I can help
you when I come back.
Yes! Here you go.
Thank you.
- Uh, goodbye.
- [BEV] Bye.
[CREW CHATTERING]
[CREW MEMBER] Everyone, we need all
Escape From Planet Klongo NDAs
signed before entering.
Oh.
Okay, okay, let me take the lead.
If I drop my name,
Ron Howard will swing
that velvet rope wide open.
I think I should. Security
guards love Brazzos.
I'm kinda their Princess Diana.
I think I should, mostly
because I'm neither of you.
Hold up. You got badges?
Oh yeah, I got a badge. Huh?
From Brazzos? TV show?
Your dad probably watched?
- Emmy nomination for sound?
- [MABEL] Um,
sorry, we just, we need to talk
to Mr. Howard about an investigation.
We're professional podcasters.
Only Murders in the Building.
We're the most listened
to murder podcast
on the Upper West Side that's
sponsored by a deli chain.
Yeah, you're not gettin' in here.
W-Well, i-if you could just tell
Ron-Ron that Ollie Putnam is here.
No, no. Tell him "off-menu soup."
[IMITATING SLURPING, BURNING MOUTH]
Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!
[SLURPING, GASPING]
Ah! Ah! Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!
- [LAUGHS] He'll know what that means.
- [GUARD] Look.
I'ma be real with you.
I don't really watch TV,
and congrats on the podcast.
I mean, that's, that's
huge, and it's so amazing
that you have an inside
joke with Ron Howard,
but if I let you in,
then I'll lose my job, and
then I won't have enough money
to go to Disneyland with my cousins,
and we've been planning
this trip for years.
So, just in case my boss is listening,
get outta here!
Okay. [PANTING]
Ugh, that was a very charming rejection.
[ASSISTANT DIRECTOR] Background actors?
- [JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
- Yes?
You were supposed to arrive
10 minutes ago. Move it!
Oh! [SCOFFS, MUMBLES] Time.
Background.
Have fun with your cousins.
- Get your badge.
- Yes.
Thank you.
♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
I'm not gonna have to
do any acting, right?
Are you nervous? You know your
hobby is chasing murderers?
Oh yeah, that's somehow less scary.
Well, good news. As
soon as we step on set,
Ron-Ron will recognize me,
and we'll get pulled away.
And don't worry. Background actors
don't really have to do much.
You just be natural.
You know, I hadn't thought of it before,
but I guess it's time for me to
change my emergency contact to Loretta.
A whole new life.
- Gives me chills. [SNORTS]
- [ASSISTANT DIRECTOR] Okay, listen up!
I need everyone to line up and
deliver your best terrified reaction.
Best 10 stay, the rest go home.
You said background actors
don't have to do much.
Well, honey, they do now, so buckle up.
Okay, let's go, guys.
Alright, line up over here.
I don't know whether to
go big, do I go small,
or communicate the unspeakable
horror using only my teeth?
[WHEEZING CHOMPS]
- Not that.
- [ASSISTANT DIRECTOR] You first.
[SCREAMING]
- [ASSISTANT DIRECTOR] You're in.
- Oh.
- [WHISPERING] What do I do?
- I think big. I think we go big.
I was hoping for big.
[SCREAMS]
- You're out.
- Damn.
[CHARLES] Final answer,
small. We're going small.
Small is sophisticated. Small
is for the silver screen.
- Really keeping us on our toes here.
- You.
[SHRIEKING]
[GROANING]
- Thought we said small.
- That was my small.
- You're in.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, my God, Brazzos?
Ah. So nice to meet a fan.
I'm sure Ron'll want to say hello.
You're doing background now?
That's so sad. You can be in the movie.
You're still in the game. You're in.
- This way.
- No! I don't think I can do this.
You.
Wow, great. You're in.
Head on over to wardrobe and makeup.
[CREW CHATTERING]
- [EKG BEEPING]
- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[COMPUTER MOUSE CLICKING, TYPING]
[GLEN SIGHING]
[ECHOING CLICKS]
Are
Are ye an angel?
Oh. Relax.
You're in the hospital.
- You've been shot in the head.
- Nay.
The heart.
Ya had some friends come here earlier,
a couple o' married old
men and their caretaker.
They wanted to ask you about the
stunt guy on Project Ronkonkoma?
Yes. Right. No, I-I need
to talk to 'em right away.
- I'll let them know you're up.
- Right away.
Oh, also, um
would ya do me the honor of bein'
Mrs. Glen Stubbins?
Also, I'm Glen Stubbins.
Oh. Yeah, I'll get your doctor.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
Can I-I get a room without the rats?
♪
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- [PRODUCTION SET CHATTER]
[SAZZ] Alright.
Don't forget to take a deep
breath before they light you up.
Last thing you wanna do is
inhale flames into your lungs.
And when the director
yells "cut," you stop, drop,
and let 'em hose you down. And
then, you take a good 30 seconds
before you do anything
else in case you re-spark.
You ready?
Yeah, of course, you are.
Now, go make my papa proud.
Doing this for Sazz,
doing this for Sazz.
How is Ron-Ron going
to recognize me now?
That night in the Chinese restaurant,
my aesthetic was distinctively not
life-size Sour Patch Kid.
And why do we have to wear
spandex, and Mabel only gets makeup?
[MABEL] Well, because
you guys are a bunch of
"Klongos," and I'm just a girl.
Right, Klongos. I mean, I'm
sorry, but what is this movie?
Are we witnessing the end
of Ron Howard's career?
No, no, no. What I
learned about Ron over soup
is you've gotta just trust
him. I told him, I said,
- "Ron-Ron, you're the beautiful mind."
- [TEXT CHIMES]
And he loved that, and he just
plunked down the credit card
and paid for the whole soup.
Oh, my God, guys.
I have to get out of here
and get to the hospital.
Glen Stubbins is awake.
Also, I'm gonna see if they can remove
the part of my brain that stores
the image of you in spandex.
[CHARLES] Well
Oh, yeah
Oh, by the way, I've been
thinking about your bachelor party,
and I think I got a winner.
Finally. Yes, let's hear it.
I hope the spandex and
the balls inspired you.
Okay, remember that hot
dog restaurant we went to?
- Yeah.
- And, uh, there was a phone booth outside,
but it wasn't really a phone
booth, it was a door to a speakeasy?
I was thinking we could
do something like that.
Get some dogs with my dawg!
I feel like I've taken crazy pills.
Do we remember W-A-N-S?!
Whiskey, A-listers,
- naughty secret? Oh, you do remember?
- Naughty secret. Yeah.
'Cause I thought your plan lacked my
simple parameters due to forgetfulness.
But instead, the culprit
is willful negligence!
Alright. Just forget it!
- And you're not wearing this either!
- Ah!
[ASSISTANT DIRECTOR]
Background, you're up on set.
- [EKG BEEPING]
- [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOOR OPENS]
Ah, you're back, sweetheart.
What? It's you?
- [MUSIC BUILDING]
- What are
- [BEEPING GETS FASTER]
- What you No.
- [MUFFLED] No, no. No, don't! No!
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- Don't! Stop, no!
- [BEEPING GETS FASTER]
[FLATLINING]
[ASSISTANT DIRECTOR]
Alright, everybody in?
Let's go!
- [SET CHATTER]
- [CREW MEMBER] Places!
Ron-Ron? Are you there?
It's me!
[IMITATES SLURPING, BURNING MOUTH]
Hey, you're not talking to Ron.
Listen up, everybody. On my cue,
you're gonna look up at the monster,
you're gonna look scared,
and you're gonna run off that way. Yeah?
Great.
I know our bold acting
choice. Follow my lead.
- [ASSISTANT DIRECTOR] Background!
- [OLIVER SNARLS]
[RON HOWARD] And action!
[ACTORS SCREAMING]
Run! Run, fellow Klongos!
I shall buy you time!
Don't let my death be in vain!
- Monster, no!
- [RON] What the hell's with him?
No Charles, a little effort, please!
Or is this gonna be my
bachelor party all over again?
Oh?
Your bachelor party? Oh, you're
right, yes. I should pitch in.
How about a
a sunset cigar cruise
up the Gowanus Canal?
Or maybe a dining and spa experience,
where we get fish
pedicures, and afterwards,
we eat the fish
omakase-style?! Oh, wait!
Ice luges poured by
professional ice lugers.
Is this getting good enough for you?
Oh wait. Oh, maybe, a
members-only aerialist strip club!
And an elephant! But,
not just any elephant!
An A-list elephant.
Babar, Dumbo, or maybe the viral one
who sat on the zookeeper's head.
Because it really doesn't matter
because no one is gonna show up!
Because you!
Are insufferable.
[RON] And cut?
Who hired the idiots?
Get 'em out and get a
picture for my ban list.
[ASSISTANT DIRECTOR] The director
has asked that you go home.
Now.
Sorry, Brazzos.
Now, if you'd line up, Ron
Howard would like to say hi
and thank each of you for your
work today before we start rolling.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
Where is he?
I'm so sorry.
- He's dead. My Glen.
- [MABEL] W
- What happened?
- I don't know!
He seemed fine. He was making me laugh.
I called his people to let them
know he was awake, did my rounds,
and when I returned, he [SNIFFLES]
[NEWSCASTER] [ON TV] Breaking
news. Nicky "The Neck" Caccimelio,
the Dry Cleaning King of Brooklyn,
has been reported missing.
Though he has ties to
the Caputo crime family,
officials say they do not
suspect foul play at this time.
Uh, who else did you call
and tell that Glen was awake?
Just you and his emergency contact.
- Sazz Pataki.
- You called Sazz?
Did a man answer?
[CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- Did I do somethin' wrong?
- Uh
- [CREW MEMBER] Rolling.
- [RON] And action!
[TIRES SCREECH]
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- [VAN DOORS OPEN, SLAM]
[ACTOR 1] Get out here, you rat!
- [ACTORS GRUNTING]
- [PROTÉGÉ STRUGGLING]
- On the ground!
- [PROTÉGÉ GRUNTS]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES]
[ACTOR 2] This is for Don Antonio.
[LIGHTER CLICKS]
[FLAME ROARS]
[PROTÉGÉ GROANS]
- Good, good.
- [PROTÉGÉ SCREAMS]
[SCREAMING]
[EXCITED GROWL]
[PROTÉGÉ SCREAMING]
[RON] Okay, cut! Fire out!
- [FIRE EXTINGUISHERS HISS]
- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- [CREW CHEERING]
- [CREW MEMBER] Clear!
Told you. Yes, yes, yes, yes!
I told you. I told
you we'd do it in one!
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
- [RON] Geez whiz!
- [EXTINGUISHER WHOOSHING]
- [CREW YELLING]
- Oh! Oh no!
[QUIET SET CHATTER]
[CREW MEMBER] Go ahead and strike that!
[SET CHATTER CONTINUES]
- You need a hand?
- [OLIVER] No, no.
- I don't need your help.
- 'Cause I can if
Oh no, no, I've already asked too much.
I don't wanna be "insufferable."
[BAG CRINKLING]
You're my emergency contact.
What?
Well, when I fill out
forms, I put your name.
And I know you used to put
mine, but now it's Loretta's.
- [SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
- You know,
I always knew Mabel would one day
spread her wings and leave, but
you and me, I thought we'd,
you know, grow old er,
and die together. [SLIGHT CHUCKLE] Uh
And don't get me wrong,
I like Loretta. I really like Loretta.
But now, I'm kinda the awkward guy,
third-wheeling it on your dates.
You know, saying, "Hey, let's
split a dessert three ways."
You know,
I never wanted, really, to
throw you a bachelor party.
I just wanted to
celebrate our friendship.
♪
[INHALES]
Y-You know, I'm hungry, if you
wanted to grab a bite to eat.
- We could go to that Chinese place.
- Yeah.
- Can you give me a hand? Yeah.
- Yeah, I can do that.
[RESTAURANT CHATTER]
You know we're gonna
be friends till the end.
Oh God.
I'm fine. You don't have
to say anything nice to me.
Especially not while making eye contact.
What if we went behind our menus?
That-That-That c
That could work, yeah.
I didn't have a bachelor party
first time I got married,
and I didn't have a best man.
And it's okay if I don't have
a bachelor party this time, too.
But I do want you to be my best man.
[CHARLES] Hmm.
Noodles look good.
[OLIVER] And if it would
make you feel better,
you can be my Life Alert
contact in case I fall.
And we can get colonoscopies together.
[CHARLES] Yeah, yeah. Uh,
maybe the dumplings?
[WAITRESS] Can I get
you something to drink?
- Oh, uh, two Johnnie Walkers.
- Of course.
Where are you going?
W-A-N-S.
- W-A-N-S?
- [WAITRESS] Here you are.
Ah, the whiskey.
And
our naughty secret.
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
[FRAME PLUNKING]
[OLIVER LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHING]
- [QUIET CLAP]
Very good.
I know this is
not the bachelor party
you dreamed of, but
still
Charles, it's perfect.
[GLASSES CLINK]
Although, we are missing
the A-lister. Just saying
[GULPS] You?
[LAUGHS] Oh. Okay, Charles. Uh
let me hide behind my menu
until the awkwardness
of this moment clears.
- [DOOR BELL JINGLES]
- [OLIVER GRUNTS]
[RON] Hi. I don't have a reservation,
but, uh, you know, table for one.
You gotta be kidding me.
- [SHUTS MENU]
- What?
[OLIVER GASPS]
The A-lister! You did it!
Oh, my God!
It's you! Ollie!
- It's Ron-Ron!
- Ron-Ron!
[BOTH SLURPING]
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
- [BACK-PATTING]
I loved it in Mayberry when
you'd go down by the fishin' hole!
Don't ever mention the fishin' hole.
[CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- Okay, let it go. Come on. Shake it off.
- Don't.
[OLIVER SHUSHING]
Oh, Mabel, thank God!
Bev said you agreed to
help with the new pages.
Fuck. Look, Marshall, I'm not
in the mood for this right now.
Please, i-it'll be quick.
D-Do you think Mabel would say,
- "The name's Mora, Mabel Mora."
- [LOCK CODE BEEPING]
- Or, "I'm Mabel Fucking Mora!"
- [DOOR UNLOCKS]
I'm thinking number two.
- I wouldn't say either one of those.
- [MARSHALL P. POPE] Oh God.
It-It's-It's awful. I-I'm awful.
Please. Bev is threatening to
fire me if I don't get these right.
I-I'll do anything.
I-I'm stuck. I just
I can't capture your voice.
Yeah, well, I don't think my
voice needs to be captured.
Another person is dead,
and had I solved the case
or figured out the
stuntman angle sooner,
he'd still be alive. But, he's not.
Wow. That
is some Mabel dialogue.
- D do you mind if I just I'm gonna
- [DOOR SLAMS]
[RON] So then, Hanks leans over to me,
and he says,
"I don't actually like ranch dressing."
- [SOFT LAUGHTER]
- [OLIVER] Oh! That's good.
Hey, uh, Ron. Uh,
speaking of funny stories,
we heard there was quite the
snafu on Project Ronkonkoma.
Gonna need another whiskey for that one.
We never even finished it. I
remember everything about it though.
[SIGHS] You know,
it's always tense on sets,
days when there's gonna be a big stunt,
and doubly so when fire is involved.
Set and action!
But, everything went smooth.
- [TIRES SCREECH]
- The van screeched to a halt.
A stuntman was thrown
out onto the ground,
doused with gasoline, lit on
fire. It was exactly right.
Bitchin'!
So, I yelled "cut."
Okay, cut! Fire out!
- [EXTINGUISHER HISSING]
- They put the guy out.
Okay, uh, let's go to the Steadicam.
Except the guy didn't wait to
make sure he was completely out.
Next thing I know,
he's walking toward me.
Hey, great job.
Saying he had something
he wanted to show me.
- And and suddenly, he reignites!
- [FLAME WHOOSHES]
[SCREAMS] Oh! Ah!
Geez whiz!
Burned my eyebrows off!
[OLIVER SNORTS]
[MABEL] Okay, I know
that I say fuck a lot,
- but not that fucking much.
- [TYPING]
Yeah, maybe you're right.
I should have more faith in myself.
I mean, it worked for you.
- You want a beer?
- [MARSHALL] Hit me.
- You finally got one of your scripts made.
- That's right. I did.
[MARSHALL TYPING]
- [MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- [MABEL] What is ?
- Ron, Ron, Ron-Ron
- Ron-Ron.
uh, we need to find that stuntman.
Well, if you do, get my
shoes back for me, will ya?
He stole 'em right outta my trailer.
I had to buy another pair.
I can't work without these.
They've got extra
cushioning in the heels.
[SHUTTER SNAPS]
- Same as on the radiator.
- That's our guy.
D-Do you remember his name?
Oh, I'll never forget him.
Rex Bailey.
I have a photo of him, if that helps.
I always keep, uh, pictures
of people I ban from my sets.
Uh
Oh, okay, here he is.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDING]
Huh?
That kinda looks like
Yeah, but imagine with a beard.
And add some glasses.
And a dark bowl cut!
♪
Oh, my God.
- [PERSON SCREAMS]
- [TIRES SCREECH]
Whoa!
- [PAPERS RUSTLING]
- [EXHALES]
That was some flip!
You ever stunted before?
I'm trying to be a writer,
but I wouldn't say no to getting on set.
Your first professional
fire stunt. Ah! Ready?
- [RON] Fire out!
- [EXTINGUISHER HISSING]
Okay, let's go to the
Steadicam, and I know I said
Mr. Howard? Mr. Howard!
Hey, great job.
Would you read my screenplay?
Ah, when'd you grow the beard, lassie?
- [EKG BEEPING]
- What? It's you?
- [BEEPING GETTING FASTER]
- What are
- [MUFFLED YELLING]
- [BEEPING FASTER]
[GASPING]
[FLATLINING]
[EKG FADING OUT]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES]
- Marshall?
- Hm?
Why does this script say it
was written by Sazz Pataki?
[TEXT CHIMES]
- [HAUNTING PIANO NOTE REPEATING]
- [RAGGED BREATHING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[MUSIC ENDS]
[FANFARE PLAYING]
[CHARLES-HADEN SAVAGE]
Sazz was my friend.
We're trying to solve her murder.
Right. For your podcast.
- [CRASHING]
- [SHOUTING]
[GRUNTS]
- Ben Glenroy?
- [GLEN STUBBINS] Ben's dead!
I'm Glen Stubbins, Ben's stunt double.
Can ya help me get a job on your film?
You lost your stunt double.
I lost my acting double.
- We could make each other whole again.
- [GUNSHOT]
[HOWARD MORRIS] Oh
God, they've been shot!
- [CREW SCREAMING]
- It's Glen! He's still alive!
[DETECTIVE DONNA WILLIAMS]
Stubbins is stable, but unconscious.
The bullet struck the plate in his
head and deflected to Gali-fine-akis.
I sign on to your crazy for a lifetime.
[OLIVER PUTNAM] You're
giving me a doll's bracelet?
I'm proposing to you,
Oliver. I wanna marry you.
[OLIVER] We're getting married
this weekend! [CHUCKLES]
Sazz figured this all out. Maybe
that's what she wanted to tell me.
I wanted to tell you something
about your friend, Sazz.
She was on the ham radio,
asking about all these huge plot
holes you had in your podcast.
You're how Sazz knew about all
the West Tower stuff in her notes.
She talked about a stuntman on a
movie called Project Ronkonkoma.
She said, "He's gonna
be the death of me."
- [PHONE CLICKS]
- What's Project Ronkonkoma?
Here we go! Project Ronkonkoma.
Who's the stunt person? Is
it someone we can talk to?
- [MABEL MORA] Not exactly.
- [EQUIPMENT BEEPING, HISSING]
[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHARLES] For those
of us in film and TV,
the people you work with are everything.
Until it's time to move
on to the next show,
and then it's easy to lose touch.
Talk to Pataki.
Hey hey, Spanko! How's it goin', man?
No, no, you're good.
I'm just leavin' set.
Project Ronkonkoma!
Of course, I can wrestle up a team!
[CHARLES] But sometimes,
you meet a person
you don't want to let go of.
And sometimes, they can change your life
in ways you never saw coming.
Ha, ha!
[STARTS CAR]
- [PERSON SCREAMS]
- [TIRES SCREECH]
- [PERSON YELPS]
- [PAPERS RUSTLE]
Geez!
- [PERSON GROANS]
- That was some flip!
I teach that in my Advanced
Somersault Intensive,
which is in the winter.
[PERSON PANTING]
You ever stunted before?
[QUIET HOSPITAL CHATTER]
[MABEL] There he is.
[IN IRISH ACCENT] Excuse
me, you can't go in there.
Oh, uh, we have to.
Uh, we're his family.
[IN IRISH ACCENT] Uh, that's right.
We're the Stubbinses, you know.
I'm Oliver. Th-This cailín is Mabel,
and of course, you've
met cousin Charles.
[IN IRISH ACCENT] And it
sure is good to know ya!
Well, the accent's new.
[NORMAL] Well, it's in and out.
Okay, fine, we're here
investigating a murder,
and we need to see Glen.
Glen is in a fragile state.
He can't be subjected to
an interrogation right now.
No need to worry, darlin'.
These are mild questions.
Like, uh, "We heard Sazz was
beefin' with her protégé.
Might that be you, Glen Stubbins?"
[IN IRISH ACCENT] And sure, whatever
happened on Project Ronkonkoma
on the Erin's green isle?
Um, and you know,
"Did you murder our friend?"
You're not goin' in. That's final.
Also, what's with the beer?
- [NORMAL] Oh, uh, we were going to
- No, please.
l-lure him out of his coma.
Ya thought the smell
of beer would rouse him?
Why? 'Cause he's Irish?
Did ya bring some corned beef, too?
- No
- [OLIVER GROWLS SOFTLY]
We also brought smellin' salts.
Good luck accusin' that
of being in bad taste.
I don't even know if they work. [SNIFFS]
[SNORTS, GAGS]
They work. They work.
[GASPS] We also brought a witchy board
on the off-chance he could
control it with his mind.
So?
[MABEL] Well, the nurse said
that she'd call if Glen wakes up.
- [OLIVER] Oh.
- [CHARLES] So, what do we do now?
What do I do with all this beer?
Sazz gave them to me the night she died,
but I'm never gonna drink
them 'cause, as you know,
beer is a peasant's drink.
Oliver, I'll take your peasant's beer
because I'm such a good friend.
You know, I've been thinking.
You're getting married in a few
days, and what if I took you out
and bought you a non-beer
drink to, uh, celebrate?
Charles, are you offering
to throw me a bachelor party?
I don't care what people say.
You're not an ice prince.
[GROWLS] Good people.
Guys, it's the bartender
from Concussions.
Ah!
The three jackasses who
promised to solve Sazz's murder.
We're still doing that.
- Hm, racked up a coma along the way.
- [OLIVER STARTS RECORDING]
Hey, uh, you're in the stunt world.
We heard Sazz's protégé
on Project Ronkonkoma
was giving her a hard time,
and Glen Stubbins ended up
with credit on the movie.
No.
Glen was brought in to
replace Sazz's protégé.
The guy fucked up so bad,
Sazz had to blackball him.
So, Sazz ended her protégé's career,
and then Glen replaced him.
That's motive to kill both of 'em.
So, Glen was never our
shooter. He was another victim.
Who was this protégé?
- And what happened on Project Ronkonkoma?
- [BARTENDER] I didn't know the guy.
The only ones who know what went
down are Sazz, Glen, and the director.
So, all we have to do is track
down the director of that movie,
who was
Ron Howard.
- [LIVELY THEME SONG PLAYING]
- [OLIVER GASPS]
Finally, a celebrity this season!
[VOCALIZING]
[THEME SONG FADES OUT]
- [CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- [SEAGULLS CAWING]
- [INDISTINCT PRODUCTION SET CHATTER]
- [CART RATTLING]
[SAZZ PATAKI] Oh! Your first
professional fire stunt.
- Oh! Alright.
- [CLAPS]
Now I know we've been
over this a million times.
We're gonna make it a
million and one. Ready?
- [PROTÉGÉ] Mm-hmm.
- [SAZZ] Step one,
grab your fireproof jock from
the deep freeze. Strap it on.
Step two, slather up your
tender bits with this stuff.
Wrists, neck, ankles.
Anything not covered by [SIGHS]
this flame-retardant vest,
AKA step three.
Yeah, it's a bit tattered,
it's a bit old school,
but it's a gift from my old man, and
it's kept me safe all these years.
Here, for you. Try it on.
Lather yourself up,
and we're gonna torch you.
Ooh! I'm so psyched for you.
Frank! You good?
♪
Well, took us long enough, but
we finally are on the right track.
Only question is how the
hell do we get to Ron Howard?
Well, I've been waiting to tell
you this for maximum impact, but
Ron-Ron and I are
close personal friends.
And you know it's true
because he called him Ron-Ron.
I'll have you know our headshots
are hung right next to each other
at my favorite Chinese restaurant.
Well, next to each other in
an across-and-down sort of way.
My face is covered by a plant,
but my pompadour is pompin'.
Great. Your pictures know each
other. That's incredibly helpful.
Devastating that you know me so well
and yet you could think
that was the end of my story.
The year!
1988. [SNIFFLES]
I was 10 dumplings deep,
but who should enter?
Hollywood's own, Ron Howard.
[EXCITED SNICKERING]
Next thing you know, we're
sharing an off-menu soup
that is so spicy, we
sweat through our shirts.
We talked into the wee hours,
topless, and, I don't know,
maybe we danced on top of the table.
I'm not sure. The end of
the evening is a bit fuzzy.
Not unlike Ron-Ron's
chest, which I do remember.
You saw Ron Howard's nipples?
- [SOFTLY] Oh, my God!
- Like two little cardinals in a bush.
Okay, let's just say that story is true.
Why don't you give, uh, your good
friend a call and get us some info?
[OLIVER] Well, this was
before cell phones, Mabel.
- [MABEL] Mm.
- I only have the number
to his car fax machine,
but if we stake out the
restaurant, we'll find him.
You know what? I'm just gonna call
Tommy Hanks and just get his number.
I mean, he's one of my close
personal friends, you know,
because, one time, I watched
The Polar Express.
[OLIVER LAUGHING]
That is fu Although,
speaking of Tom Hanks,
we should invite him.
Invite him to what?
My bachelor party.
I've literally spent the entire
time with you since the hospital.
- When would I have ever done that?
- I I'm sorry. Yes, okay.
B-But, the invites should
go out soon, Charles.
Yeah, Charles. I mean,
you have, like, 50 hours,
which means you're looking at Evites.
[GRUMBLES] Evites. Yeah,
that's not the classiest,
but that is the hand we have been dealt.
Alright, I'll keep it simple.
I just want three little things
for my bachelor party.
Whiskey,
A-list celebrities,
and someone who does something naughty,
and we all have to keep it a
secret for the rest of our lives.
I'll give you an acronym
to help you remember.
W-A-N-S, WANS.
[MOUTHING]
Whiskey, A-list
celebrities, naughty secret.
Got it.
H-E-L-P.
[SIGHS] This seems like a
really good time for me to exit.
So, I am gonna go visit someone
who can actually help
us find Ron Howard.
♪
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Come in.
- [GASPS] Mabel!
- Hey.
You look so pretty!
Wait, did we have something
on the books for today?
[MOUTHING] Hold.
- Skylar?
- [SKYLAR] [ON PHONE] Hi.
Hi, did we have something on
the books with Mabel today?
[SKYLAR] Maybe. I-I don't remember.
- I-It's fine if you
forgot. - [MOUTHING]
[SKYLAR] I keep forgetting!
You're in a safe space, don't worry.
[SKYLAR CHATTERING]
No, please don't take another
mental health day. Please, no.
- Okay, good. Bye.
- [SKYLAR CONTINUES FRANTICALLY CHATTERING]
- [HANGS UP]
- [WHISPERS] Can't take it anymore.
Uh [NERVOUS LAUGH] Sorry, there
was nothing on the books today.
I, um, I just I
wanted to ask you about
About the movie?
Ugh, let me tell you.
The movie is addicted
to being a piece of shit.
I hate the costumes. They're awful.
Eva Longoria is constantly unavailable
because of some TED Talk
or billionaire's birthday.
The Brothers Sisters are
draining every last drop of me.
[SIGHS] But, they do keep
asking for more Mabel scenes,
which is interesting.
Something about your
"erotic non-sexuality."
Yeah, it's the sweaters.
And every draft that Marshall
turns in is worse than the last.
It's like I can't even remember
the script that I fell in love with.
And I don't know if it's
the two coffee enemas
that I took this morning,
but I'm starting to think
that the Brothers Sisters
aren't actually identical.
[LOUD BLENDING]
[MOUTHING]
[BLENDER STOPS]
Well, uh, I just I came by
because I'm trying to
track down Ron Howard.
Uh, do you, by chance, know where he is?
Of course, I know where that fucker is.
- Wait, you do?
- [BEV MELON] Oh yes, Mabel.
You're nobody in this town if
you ain't keeping track of
[EXAGGERATED] Ron Howard.
[NORMAL] He's actually in New
York right now shooting a movie.
No one knows what it's
about or who's in it,
but I did hear that it's
very autobiographical
and very personal and very small,
and the budget is $200 million.
- [BEV SIGHS]
- [MABEL] Uh
Can I ask you a question?
When you talk, do you say "bro"?
Bro? No, I hang out with 70-year-olds.
Right. That's what I thought.
[SIGHS]
These pages are a big fat suck-fest.
You know what? I have an idea.
What if I give you Ron Howard's address,
and you do something for me,
and that would be taking
a pass on these scenes,
but you have to make sure it sounds
like the real Mabel. What do you think?
If, uh, if this lead pans out,
maybe, uh, I can help
you when I come back.
Yes! Here you go.
Thank you.
- Uh, goodbye.
- [BEV] Bye.
[CREW CHATTERING]
[CREW MEMBER] Everyone, we need all
Escape From Planet Klongo NDAs
signed before entering.
Oh.
Okay, okay, let me take the lead.
If I drop my name,
Ron Howard will swing
that velvet rope wide open.
I think I should. Security
guards love Brazzos.
I'm kinda their Princess Diana.
I think I should, mostly
because I'm neither of you.
Hold up. You got badges?
Oh yeah, I got a badge. Huh?
From Brazzos? TV show?
Your dad probably watched?
- Emmy nomination for sound?
- [MABEL] Um,
sorry, we just, we need to talk
to Mr. Howard about an investigation.
We're professional podcasters.
Only Murders in the Building.
We're the most listened
to murder podcast
on the Upper West Side that's
sponsored by a deli chain.
Yeah, you're not gettin' in here.
W-Well, i-if you could just tell
Ron-Ron that Ollie Putnam is here.
No, no. Tell him "off-menu soup."
[IMITATING SLURPING, BURNING MOUTH]
Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!
[SLURPING, GASPING]
Ah! Ah! Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!
- [LAUGHS] He'll know what that means.
- [GUARD] Look.
I'ma be real with you.
I don't really watch TV,
and congrats on the podcast.
I mean, that's, that's
huge, and it's so amazing
that you have an inside
joke with Ron Howard,
but if I let you in,
then I'll lose my job, and
then I won't have enough money
to go to Disneyland with my cousins,
and we've been planning
this trip for years.
So, just in case my boss is listening,
get outta here!
Okay. [PANTING]
Ugh, that was a very charming rejection.
[ASSISTANT DIRECTOR] Background actors?
- [JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
- Yes?
You were supposed to arrive
10 minutes ago. Move it!
Oh! [SCOFFS, MUMBLES] Time.
Background.
Have fun with your cousins.
- Get your badge.
- Yes.
Thank you.
♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
I'm not gonna have to
do any acting, right?
Are you nervous? You know your
hobby is chasing murderers?
Oh yeah, that's somehow less scary.
Well, good news. As
soon as we step on set,
Ron-Ron will recognize me,
and we'll get pulled away.
And don't worry. Background actors
don't really have to do much.
You just be natural.
You know, I hadn't thought of it before,
but I guess it's time for me to
change my emergency contact to Loretta.
A whole new life.
- Gives me chills. [SNORTS]
- [ASSISTANT DIRECTOR] Okay, listen up!
I need everyone to line up and
deliver your best terrified reaction.
Best 10 stay, the rest go home.
You said background actors
don't have to do much.
Well, honey, they do now, so buckle up.
Okay, let's go, guys.
Alright, line up over here.
I don't know whether to
go big, do I go small,
or communicate the unspeakable
horror using only my teeth?
[WHEEZING CHOMPS]
- Not that.
- [ASSISTANT DIRECTOR] You first.
[SCREAMING]
- [ASSISTANT DIRECTOR] You're in.
- Oh.
- [WHISPERING] What do I do?
- I think big. I think we go big.
I was hoping for big.
[SCREAMS]
- You're out.
- Damn.
[CHARLES] Final answer,
small. We're going small.
Small is sophisticated. Small
is for the silver screen.
- Really keeping us on our toes here.
- You.
[SHRIEKING]
[GROANING]
- Thought we said small.
- That was my small.
- You're in.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, my God, Brazzos?
Ah. So nice to meet a fan.
I'm sure Ron'll want to say hello.
You're doing background now?
That's so sad. You can be in the movie.
You're still in the game. You're in.
- This way.
- No! I don't think I can do this.
You.
Wow, great. You're in.
Head on over to wardrobe and makeup.
[CREW CHATTERING]
- [EKG BEEPING]
- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[COMPUTER MOUSE CLICKING, TYPING]
[GLEN SIGHING]
[ECHOING CLICKS]
Are
Are ye an angel?
Oh. Relax.
You're in the hospital.
- You've been shot in the head.
- Nay.
The heart.
Ya had some friends come here earlier,
a couple o' married old
men and their caretaker.
They wanted to ask you about the
stunt guy on Project Ronkonkoma?
Yes. Right. No, I-I need
to talk to 'em right away.
- I'll let them know you're up.
- Right away.
Oh, also, um
would ya do me the honor of bein'
Mrs. Glen Stubbins?
Also, I'm Glen Stubbins.
Oh. Yeah, I'll get your doctor.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
Can I-I get a room without the rats?
♪
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- [PRODUCTION SET CHATTER]
[SAZZ] Alright.
Don't forget to take a deep
breath before they light you up.
Last thing you wanna do is
inhale flames into your lungs.
And when the director
yells "cut," you stop, drop,
and let 'em hose you down. And
then, you take a good 30 seconds
before you do anything
else in case you re-spark.
You ready?
Yeah, of course, you are.
Now, go make my papa proud.
Doing this for Sazz,
doing this for Sazz.
How is Ron-Ron going
to recognize me now?
That night in the Chinese restaurant,
my aesthetic was distinctively not
life-size Sour Patch Kid.
And why do we have to wear
spandex, and Mabel only gets makeup?
[MABEL] Well, because
you guys are a bunch of
"Klongos," and I'm just a girl.
Right, Klongos. I mean, I'm
sorry, but what is this movie?
Are we witnessing the end
of Ron Howard's career?
No, no, no. What I
learned about Ron over soup
is you've gotta just trust
him. I told him, I said,
- "Ron-Ron, you're the beautiful mind."
- [TEXT CHIMES]
And he loved that, and he just
plunked down the credit card
and paid for the whole soup.
Oh, my God, guys.
I have to get out of here
and get to the hospital.
Glen Stubbins is awake.
Also, I'm gonna see if they can remove
the part of my brain that stores
the image of you in spandex.
[CHARLES] Well
Oh, yeah
Oh, by the way, I've been
thinking about your bachelor party,
and I think I got a winner.
Finally. Yes, let's hear it.
I hope the spandex and
the balls inspired you.
Okay, remember that hot
dog restaurant we went to?
- Yeah.
- And, uh, there was a phone booth outside,
but it wasn't really a phone
booth, it was a door to a speakeasy?
I was thinking we could
do something like that.
Get some dogs with my dawg!
I feel like I've taken crazy pills.
Do we remember W-A-N-S?!
Whiskey, A-listers,
- naughty secret? Oh, you do remember?
- Naughty secret. Yeah.
'Cause I thought your plan lacked my
simple parameters due to forgetfulness.
But instead, the culprit
is willful negligence!
Alright. Just forget it!
- And you're not wearing this either!
- Ah!
[ASSISTANT DIRECTOR]
Background, you're up on set.
- [EKG BEEPING]
- [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOOR OPENS]
Ah, you're back, sweetheart.
What? It's you?
- [MUSIC BUILDING]
- What are
- [BEEPING GETS FASTER]
- What you No.
- [MUFFLED] No, no. No, don't! No!
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- Don't! Stop, no!
- [BEEPING GETS FASTER]
[FLATLINING]
[ASSISTANT DIRECTOR]
Alright, everybody in?
Let's go!
- [SET CHATTER]
- [CREW MEMBER] Places!
Ron-Ron? Are you there?
It's me!
[IMITATES SLURPING, BURNING MOUTH]
Hey, you're not talking to Ron.
Listen up, everybody. On my cue,
you're gonna look up at the monster,
you're gonna look scared,
and you're gonna run off that way. Yeah?
Great.
I know our bold acting
choice. Follow my lead.
- [ASSISTANT DIRECTOR] Background!
- [OLIVER SNARLS]
[RON HOWARD] And action!
[ACTORS SCREAMING]
Run! Run, fellow Klongos!
I shall buy you time!
Don't let my death be in vain!
- Monster, no!
- [RON] What the hell's with him?
No Charles, a little effort, please!
Or is this gonna be my
bachelor party all over again?
Oh?
Your bachelor party? Oh, you're
right, yes. I should pitch in.
How about a
a sunset cigar cruise
up the Gowanus Canal?
Or maybe a dining and spa experience,
where we get fish
pedicures, and afterwards,
we eat the fish
omakase-style?! Oh, wait!
Ice luges poured by
professional ice lugers.
Is this getting good enough for you?
Oh wait. Oh, maybe, a
members-only aerialist strip club!
And an elephant! But,
not just any elephant!
An A-list elephant.
Babar, Dumbo, or maybe the viral one
who sat on the zookeeper's head.
Because it really doesn't matter
because no one is gonna show up!
Because you!
Are insufferable.
[RON] And cut?
Who hired the idiots?
Get 'em out and get a
picture for my ban list.
[ASSISTANT DIRECTOR] The director
has asked that you go home.
Now.
Sorry, Brazzos.
Now, if you'd line up, Ron
Howard would like to say hi
and thank each of you for your
work today before we start rolling.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
Where is he?
I'm so sorry.
- He's dead. My Glen.
- [MABEL] W
- What happened?
- I don't know!
He seemed fine. He was making me laugh.
I called his people to let them
know he was awake, did my rounds,
and when I returned, he [SNIFFLES]
[NEWSCASTER] [ON TV] Breaking
news. Nicky "The Neck" Caccimelio,
the Dry Cleaning King of Brooklyn,
has been reported missing.
Though he has ties to
the Caputo crime family,
officials say they do not
suspect foul play at this time.
Uh, who else did you call
and tell that Glen was awake?
Just you and his emergency contact.
- Sazz Pataki.
- You called Sazz?
Did a man answer?
[CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- Did I do somethin' wrong?
- Uh
- [CREW MEMBER] Rolling.
- [RON] And action!
[TIRES SCREECH]
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- [VAN DOORS OPEN, SLAM]
[ACTOR 1] Get out here, you rat!
- [ACTORS GRUNTING]
- [PROTÉGÉ STRUGGLING]
- On the ground!
- [PROTÉGÉ GRUNTS]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES]
[ACTOR 2] This is for Don Antonio.
[LIGHTER CLICKS]
[FLAME ROARS]
[PROTÉGÉ GROANS]
- Good, good.
- [PROTÉGÉ SCREAMS]
[SCREAMING]
[EXCITED GROWL]
[PROTÉGÉ SCREAMING]
[RON] Okay, cut! Fire out!
- [FIRE EXTINGUISHERS HISS]
- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- [CREW CHEERING]
- [CREW MEMBER] Clear!
Told you. Yes, yes, yes, yes!
I told you. I told
you we'd do it in one!
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
- [RON] Geez whiz!
- [EXTINGUISHER WHOOSHING]
- [CREW YELLING]
- Oh! Oh no!
[QUIET SET CHATTER]
[CREW MEMBER] Go ahead and strike that!
[SET CHATTER CONTINUES]
- You need a hand?
- [OLIVER] No, no.
- I don't need your help.
- 'Cause I can if
Oh no, no, I've already asked too much.
I don't wanna be "insufferable."
[BAG CRINKLING]
You're my emergency contact.
What?
Well, when I fill out
forms, I put your name.
And I know you used to put
mine, but now it's Loretta's.
- [SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
- You know,
I always knew Mabel would one day
spread her wings and leave, but
you and me, I thought we'd,
you know, grow old er,
and die together. [SLIGHT CHUCKLE] Uh
And don't get me wrong,
I like Loretta. I really like Loretta.
But now, I'm kinda the awkward guy,
third-wheeling it on your dates.
You know, saying, "Hey, let's
split a dessert three ways."
You know,
I never wanted, really, to
throw you a bachelor party.
I just wanted to
celebrate our friendship.
♪
[INHALES]
Y-You know, I'm hungry, if you
wanted to grab a bite to eat.
- We could go to that Chinese place.
- Yeah.
- Can you give me a hand? Yeah.
- Yeah, I can do that.
[RESTAURANT CHATTER]
You know we're gonna
be friends till the end.
Oh God.
I'm fine. You don't have
to say anything nice to me.
Especially not while making eye contact.
What if we went behind our menus?
That-That-That c
That could work, yeah.
I didn't have a bachelor party
first time I got married,
and I didn't have a best man.
And it's okay if I don't have
a bachelor party this time, too.
But I do want you to be my best man.
[CHARLES] Hmm.
Noodles look good.
[OLIVER] And if it would
make you feel better,
you can be my Life Alert
contact in case I fall.
And we can get colonoscopies together.
[CHARLES] Yeah, yeah. Uh,
maybe the dumplings?
[WAITRESS] Can I get
you something to drink?
- Oh, uh, two Johnnie Walkers.
- Of course.
Where are you going?
W-A-N-S.
- W-A-N-S?
- [WAITRESS] Here you are.
Ah, the whiskey.
And
our naughty secret.
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
[FRAME PLUNKING]
[OLIVER LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHING]
- [QUIET CLAP]
Very good.
I know this is
not the bachelor party
you dreamed of, but
still
Charles, it's perfect.
[GLASSES CLINK]
Although, we are missing
the A-lister. Just saying
[GULPS] You?
[LAUGHS] Oh. Okay, Charles. Uh
let me hide behind my menu
until the awkwardness
of this moment clears.
- [DOOR BELL JINGLES]
- [OLIVER GRUNTS]
[RON] Hi. I don't have a reservation,
but, uh, you know, table for one.
You gotta be kidding me.
- [SHUTS MENU]
- What?
[OLIVER GASPS]
The A-lister! You did it!
Oh, my God!
It's you! Ollie!
- It's Ron-Ron!
- Ron-Ron!
[BOTH SLURPING]
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
- [BACK-PATTING]
I loved it in Mayberry when
you'd go down by the fishin' hole!
Don't ever mention the fishin' hole.
[CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- Okay, let it go. Come on. Shake it off.
- Don't.
[OLIVER SHUSHING]
Oh, Mabel, thank God!
Bev said you agreed to
help with the new pages.
Fuck. Look, Marshall, I'm not
in the mood for this right now.
Please, i-it'll be quick.
D-Do you think Mabel would say,
- "The name's Mora, Mabel Mora."
- [LOCK CODE BEEPING]
- Or, "I'm Mabel Fucking Mora!"
- [DOOR UNLOCKS]
I'm thinking number two.
- I wouldn't say either one of those.
- [MARSHALL P. POPE] Oh God.
It-It's-It's awful. I-I'm awful.
Please. Bev is threatening to
fire me if I don't get these right.
I-I'll do anything.
I-I'm stuck. I just
I can't capture your voice.
Yeah, well, I don't think my
voice needs to be captured.
Another person is dead,
and had I solved the case
or figured out the
stuntman angle sooner,
he'd still be alive. But, he's not.
Wow. That
is some Mabel dialogue.
- D do you mind if I just I'm gonna
- [DOOR SLAMS]
[RON] So then, Hanks leans over to me,
and he says,
"I don't actually like ranch dressing."
- [SOFT LAUGHTER]
- [OLIVER] Oh! That's good.
Hey, uh, Ron. Uh,
speaking of funny stories,
we heard there was quite the
snafu on Project Ronkonkoma.
Gonna need another whiskey for that one.
We never even finished it. I
remember everything about it though.
[SIGHS] You know,
it's always tense on sets,
days when there's gonna be a big stunt,
and doubly so when fire is involved.
Set and action!
But, everything went smooth.
- [TIRES SCREECH]
- The van screeched to a halt.
A stuntman was thrown
out onto the ground,
doused with gasoline, lit on
fire. It was exactly right.
Bitchin'!
So, I yelled "cut."
Okay, cut! Fire out!
- [EXTINGUISHER HISSING]
- They put the guy out.
Okay, uh, let's go to the Steadicam.
Except the guy didn't wait to
make sure he was completely out.
Next thing I know,
he's walking toward me.
Hey, great job.
Saying he had something
he wanted to show me.
- And and suddenly, he reignites!
- [FLAME WHOOSHES]
[SCREAMS] Oh! Ah!
Geez whiz!
Burned my eyebrows off!
[OLIVER SNORTS]
[MABEL] Okay, I know
that I say fuck a lot,
- but not that fucking much.
- [TYPING]
Yeah, maybe you're right.
I should have more faith in myself.
I mean, it worked for you.
- You want a beer?
- [MARSHALL] Hit me.
- You finally got one of your scripts made.
- That's right. I did.
[MARSHALL TYPING]
- [MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- [MABEL] What is ?
- Ron, Ron, Ron-Ron
- Ron-Ron.
uh, we need to find that stuntman.
Well, if you do, get my
shoes back for me, will ya?
He stole 'em right outta my trailer.
I had to buy another pair.
I can't work without these.
They've got extra
cushioning in the heels.
[SHUTTER SNAPS]
- Same as on the radiator.
- That's our guy.
D-Do you remember his name?
Oh, I'll never forget him.
Rex Bailey.
I have a photo of him, if that helps.
I always keep, uh, pictures
of people I ban from my sets.
Uh
Oh, okay, here he is.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDING]
Huh?
That kinda looks like
Yeah, but imagine with a beard.
And add some glasses.
And a dark bowl cut!
♪
Oh, my God.
- [PERSON SCREAMS]
- [TIRES SCREECH]
Whoa!
- [PAPERS RUSTLING]
- [EXHALES]
That was some flip!
You ever stunted before?
I'm trying to be a writer,
but I wouldn't say no to getting on set.
Your first professional
fire stunt. Ah! Ready?
- [RON] Fire out!
- [EXTINGUISHER HISSING]
Okay, let's go to the
Steadicam, and I know I said
Mr. Howard? Mr. Howard!
Hey, great job.
Would you read my screenplay?
Ah, when'd you grow the beard, lassie?
- [EKG BEEPING]
- What? It's you?
- [BEEPING GETTING FASTER]
- What are
- [MUFFLED YELLING]
- [BEEPING FASTER]
[GASPING]
[FLATLINING]
[EKG FADING OUT]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES]
- Marshall?
- Hm?
Why does this script say it
was written by Sazz Pataki?
[TEXT CHIMES]
- [HAUNTING PIANO NOTE REPEATING]
- [RAGGED BREATHING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[MUSIC ENDS]
[FANFARE PLAYING]