Portlandia (2011) s04e09 Episode Script

Church is an option.
Hi, I'm Father Timothy.
Organized religion is stuffy and dogmatic, right? What do you want? Disorganized? We can do that.
Nobody wants to pray anymore? Okay, we can do vision boards if you like - Cars, husbands.
- It's aspirational.
It's things I'd pray for anyway, and now I just call them visions.
- Whoa.
I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Did I get any of that on you? That looks so wrong.
I have the congregation nipping at my heels, so please consider it an option.
Keep this in mind on Sundays, any day.
We listen to you.
It's not only Sunday, Friday, Saturday.
Just call me.
I'll come down with whatever you want.
We'll move the husband to make room for your dream vacation.
He's making Sushi.
I love Sushi.
Ooh.
Sorry.
I got a little excited.
[Bell.]
Church is an option.
Organ music, kind of lame.
Hey, how about some rock and roll? [Music.]
Hey, hey, hey.
This seems pretty cool.
Looking for a sense of peace and tranquility, I can put a little needle in your back.
What do they call it? Acupuncture? Sure.
I really don't know what I'm doing.
Is that soothing? It is? Wow.
Beginner's luck.
That looks Danish modern, right? Not for me.
I get nothing out of it.
I'm just gonna help you out.
At what time do we offer acupuncture? It's normally at two, but we'll schedule for them.
We have we have all kinds of needles.
They're not special needles.
Just tell 'em we have I think they are special needles.
They don't have to be.
[Instrumental music.]
Ladies and gentlemen, the mayor.
[Clapping.]
Thank you.
There are those who think that Portland is quaint That we're not a serious city, and granted, we're not New York.
We don't have an empire state building or subway system, but from this day forth, Portland can look at itself in the mirror and say, you know what we do have? We do have a 3d printer.
[Clapping.]
Let the good times roll.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, man.
Now that we have a 3d printer, Portland's finally a first class city.
So excite mom, hi.
We're so proud of you.
Fantastic.
I want you to meet Fred and Carrie.
These are my parents.
- We showed up for your speech.
- Nice to meet you, too.
You must be so proud.
We are.
He's such a good boy, and he's so handsome.
It's hard to say no to him when he wants something.
What do you mean, hard to say no? Mr.
Mayor, did your parents buy the city a 3d printer? They helped a little.
They're buying everything for you? So, we gonna go to lunch or We bought the podium, the flags.
You bought those flags.
We bought him this bridge, for his birthday.
Who do you think pays for all this? You bought him the Hawthorne bridge? We take care of everything for him.
Mom, shh.
The city is like depending on them.
Yes.
Well, it's okay.
I'm retired, I don't have anything to do, and I wanna support my son and You're a trust fund kid, and Portland's a trust fund city.
Dad, you're embarrassing me in front of my friends.
You don't Don't be such a baby.
I'm not a baby, mom.
I'm the mayor, okay? Let's not forget that.
Mind your manners or maybe you don't want the hospital, that you've been talking about.
I don't want anything if you're gonna treat me like a baby.
How about if you're cut off? What are you cutting him off from? The whole city budget? I don't care.
And now you're having a tantrum.
I am not having a tantrum.
If that's it fine.
Cut off.
You are cut off.
LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA not listening.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.
No hospital wing.
No more bridges.
No more city of Portland.
I'm cut off.
Ha.
Really nice to meet you guys.
It's not to meet you Carolyn.
You, too.
Ted.
Carolyn, Tony very nice to meet you.
Sheesh.
Come on, Enid.
[Instrumental music.]
How you guys doing? Feel like making some art? Um, let's talk a little bit about statement art.
Since the 50's, one common target about making a statement has been McDonald's.
Ronald McDonald plus something violent and crazy like money equals shock.
Shock me.
Make people go Do it.
Betsy, want to come up? Betsy, would you do me a favor and just kind of crouch down.
There you go.
Mouth open.
Betsy there, isn't it? Nice job.
Ronald's there.
And I see that, and it's great, but if I walk into a gallery, I'm gonna go like this You want someone to stop in their tracks.
Hey, or even like oh, come on.
Just like my heart.
Hmm.
A jump and them a move away.
Is there a gas mask in the case, honey? If you got a gas mask, you know, you're there's a soldier stands.
Betsy, honey, why don't you.
.
Can you do a sort of strung out on heroin pose? Yeah, sort of nodding off into The villain is the puppeteer.
There you go.
You guys know each other? That's my wife.
Married a long time, 30 years32 years31 years.
How'd you guys meet? When was your hair long? Never.
Sorry.
Uh, we met at a McDonald's.
I always think of artists kind of doing more like a bread and cheese thing but There is bread and cheese in McDonald's.
The last supper, huh? She called it the last breakfast, but it ends at 11.
Ronald's fangs have got to come down over the bottom lip.
Look at me.
See that.
Yeah.
Ronald's a vampire.
Remember your sense of perspective and gravity.
You're not gonna want [Cat meow.]
Betsy, you got to see this.
What do you think, huh? Is that I'm still shocked.
Real just shocking, shocking, shock.
You have to watch your feet because the the length of them just gets right see you slapped the top of my foot.
Sorry [instrumental music.]
Hey dad, what do you think of this one? It's got Ronald McDonald on it.
Meditation.
Go ahead.
Carry on.
Yeah, I just thought of a book idea.
You want to pitch it to me? Do you want some feedback or It's a reclassification of the animals.
Great, and you came up with all this for meditating.
Okay? But just yeah, just a sort of sub new subsets of, you know, where the whales would go and fish and everything.
[Instrumental music.]
Awesome.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thanks.
I don't remember ordering any of this.
I never remember what I ordered.
- Yes oh that's nice.
- Calm down.
I ordered this last week.
I'm gonna try it now.
[Instrumental music.]
Umm, we got to talk about a little something.
I've come to the conclusion that Christmas is dead.
It's a very shocking thing to say, but because people can order things online, every day has become Christmas.
So you order a spatula, and it comes in a box, and that's a present? Yeah.
We have to fight back.
Okay, but how can a delivery truck pulling up to a door be as exciting as a bunch of reindeer landing on your roof? I have no look I can't read people's minds.
Well, I mean, I know some things.
I'll tell you something.
I walked into a house, thought I'd see, you know, milk and cookies sitting there.
A young girl's there.
She sorts of frowns at me and she says, oh, aren't I supposed to give you cookies or something, and I was like oh, that would be nice.
She's like, oh, that's what we did, yeah, I guess, and she just kind of giggled and walked away.
I don't need the milk and cookies.
I'm fine.
It's the sort of, oh, that's different now.
Well, just so you know, we've never gotten milk and cookies.
Like, we kind of do all the work back here, and then you go out and just get milk and cookies and notes.
Just so you know I mean.
Isn't your name Nutmeg? Yes.
So, it's not Santa Claus? No.
My friends call me Nut.
Right, but it's not Santa Claus.
You see my point.
Anyway, in order to compete with websites like Amazon where people just, you know, it's a click away and they get whatever they want spatula, but I think we've got to do something, and we're gonna be working year-round.
My worry off the bat is it just seems like 2-4-7, like a sort of number.
Sorry.
That supposed to look like me? The imagery they use for Santa I almost want to go to these places.
What the hell are you doing? When was I fat? Was I ever fat? That's the thing that gets me.
Of all the things, the sort of Did I once ever do this to you? Uh-huh.
What is that? Uh, any interest in flying a jet, being a pilot, co-pilot, from the whole slave thing or if you know how to drive a truck? Semi? Very funny.
[Instrumental music.]
Mr.
Mayor, as you and my esteemed colleagues are well aware, we are in the middle of a budget crisis I mean, even the popular horse patrol has had to resort to fund raising.
In my district, we have so many potholes and without your parents' money, I don't know how we're gonna pay to fix 'em.
Well, I mean, we do have a 3d printer.
We could probably just print a road.
You can't print a new road.
You know, in my district, we were gonna build a school.
We can build a school.
How? Print one.
Can you print teachers, curriculum, crossing guards? We can print a brick, right? We can print a brick.
We can print a brick.
That's part of a school.
Technically, that might work, but what happens when it comes to police? Wow.
Whoa.
Hot.
It's still warm.
Look at that.
That's a 3d brick.
That is ooh, it's light too, still warm.
That's a brick.
That's a 3Look at that that's a 3d brick.
At this rate, though, Mr.
mayor, one brick per time, how long would it take to build a school? I just am amazed by this technology.
I see that.
And you're willing to tie our whole fiscal future of this city and its citizens to the 3d printer? If we can print this, think of what we can do.
We can print a wheelchair.
We can print crutches.
We can Even pay raises.
We, uh, have the capability of printing pens and pencils, which we could use to write those documents.
You're penning the citizens in, Mr.
Mayor.
She's right.
I mean, we can't just print your way of out every problem.
Can we print a new attitude for you, Mr.
Mayor? Can we print a new mayor, Sam? Watch this.
It's a 3d printer.
Great.
Oh.
Is that what I look like, really? But everything works.
Look, seriously, it seems like the only choice we have is to patch things up with your parents.
No I don't care if you don't like it.
No.
We have to help him.
That's their fault.
Not my fault.
I actually have an idea.
Am I hearing a little bit of maybe, yeah? This is lame.
I'm out of here.
Pictures up.
We cue bubbles.
Whisperia perfume commercial.
Take one.
Okay.
Sound up.
Rolling and You want to call action? Yeah I want not yet.
We're rolling.
What do you want me the models to be doing? Are they gonna can they laugh? Can I get some laughter? You guys having a really good time.
The fragrance fragrances often make people laugh because of the name.
Can can we get the bubbles to talk? Can the bubbles do any speaking? No, bubbles don't talk, sir.
You gonna go out? You want to cut? I got this.
If you're in the shot.
We can't we can't get this done.
Yeah, but I'm saying is that He insists on being in the shot.
But but they, they Wait, you.
Why don't you come back and direct from here.
I'm not on.
You're on now.
Man, if he if we have him out here and then you're holding hands here.
It's unusable if you're on on screen, so come on out.
Can't see yourself you're You're in that.
We can't do that.
You're on you're on camera now.
We should film it on this.
We can't do that.
[Gasp.]
Sophia, my girlfriend, is coming in, and she's coming from via New York.
Flag on the play.
Short break.
I'm supposed to pick her up.
- Ok.
- She's at the airport, we have to go pick her up? She's she's normal, and we just do things together and she's beautiful.
That's great.
Um, let's get there.
You just find you look up the airline? I know where we're going.
Yeah, what airline is she on? Did she tell you? Give you a flight number? Name things.
Uh, American, United, Delta, uh, Virgin, um Will you say that word again? Virgin? That's it.
Okay, great.
Should we go to Virgin airport.
It's all part of Portland airport, but we'll Yeah, but I'll I'll drop you off at the where the Virgin terminal is, and you can go in and Then doesn't the car just drive off into like a wall? I don't want you to be in a car accident.
Why don't, um, I drive, and I'm going to drop you off? Hair and makeup, sound, wardrobe, everybody we're going to the airport.
She says she's at baggage claim.
Let's go.
That's always like dark and then She's gonna meet you there.
Let's go in here.
Yes.
This is great.
We're here.
We're on the move.
Have all the light coming in from here, and this is green.
Do we need that do we need this? We we can't get rid of that JW, it's part of the airport.
We can't do that.
Can you can I get flowers, but not the kind that are all colorful? Let's get last looks on JW.
And when that when should I rehearse? Hi, how was your trip? And um Tonya, she like loves me.
That's great.
Let's fall back.
First team on the move.
Fall back.
Let's fall back.
[Instrumental music.]
Hey.
These are for you.
You look beautiful.
Love you.
Come on.
Let's go home.
And we are clear.
That's a wrap everybody.
Good job nice work.
Good job.
Whisperia [Clapping.]
[Instrumental.]
Lance, I think there's something wrong with Leon.
I tried to poke him, get him to turn over, and then I tried to feed him.
I tried to feed him and then he wasn't moving, and I tried to poke him and then nothing happened.
He's dead.
What? He's dead, look at him he's dead.
No.
Oh no.
Little guy.
He died.
I thought he was just laying there, and he didn't want to move.
Lance? Are you crying? [Crying.]
My favorite little guy.
He understood me so so well, like no one else understood me.
There's nothing more you could've done for little guy, but you know something? Now it's your turn to cry.
We can't both be crying.
So just cry it out.
[Crying.]
You can cry all day long, okay? Here you go.
That's okay.
You got to let it out.
That's the important thing.
Hey, listen, Lance isn't gonna come into work today.
You know, you have to eat, okay? No.
Leon used to watch me play cards.
The second drawer near the microwave.
[Instrumental music.]
Lance, what [Crying.]
What are you watching? The Notebook.
Noah and Ali.
They were meant to be together.
You used to make fun of me for watching that.
I don't know why.
They're lying on the floor, and he says he needs more food if they're gonna keep making love.
Don't show it to me because I'll start crying.
One of the best movies ever made.
Hey, Dana, Lance around? He's inside crying.
I need to get it fixed, supposed to be done by tomorrow.
Lance said he'd take care of it.
[Instrumental music.]
[Grunt.]
Hey! Dana? You leave me crying by myself.
Were you cheating on me? No.
I just fixed Jim's bike.
I was gonna do that.
I was gonna fix it.
I got it.
Don't worry about it.
Want to take a ride? Oh yeah.
[Instrumental music.]
Oh, it's the mayor's mom and dad.
Well, it breaks my heart.
I'll tell ya that.
Well, I wish you'd reconsider.
Do you think this is gonna work? I mean, you're a great puppeteer.
You're a great puppeteer.
No.
I mean it, though.
You're like supreme.
When he starts acting like that, it's nothing you can do with him you know? Thank you.
Ready let's do this.
Okay.
At a certain point you just Dad.
Yeah.
Wow.
I had no idea.
I was walking through the restaurant.
Hello mom, of course you'd be here as well, but dad All I see No, mom.
Hold on.
I'm talking to dad.
This is man to man.
What are you doing? Why are you doing this? Why am I I'm apologizing.
Hello.
Thank you for voting for me.
Thank you everyone.
I really apologize from the bottom of my heart to the top of my head.
Don't cut me off, dad.
Don't cut me off at all.
I'm really, really, really sorry, dad, and mom, I love you So much.
Come on, guys.
Come on, come on, come on.
We see you back there.
What do you want? I'm I'm sorry.
That was good.
It's a good it's a good show.
Okay.
He's sorry.
He was just, you know, acting up, and he just had too much pride.
He doesn't mean it.
He doesn't want you to cut us off.
It's not like your son is spending the money on sports cars or self-tanning or anything ostentatious.
He's really spending it for the good of the city.
And we thank you by the way.
It's a really great thing you guys have done.
Yeah, well I love owning Portland.
I mean before I started buying up Portland for Mr.
Mayor, I was actually looking at Fresno.
I looked at a lot of cities.
We're glad that you're such good friends to him.
Can we buy you something special? We can buy you something nice? What would you like? A belt.
How about you? What do you want? Uh He's sorry, okay? We're speaking for him.
I know you are and I take it to heart, and he's forgiven, and we can, we'll put this back together.
Aw.
You're good friends.
You're good guys.
Well, you're good parents.
Thank you.
You're back.
We're back.
God knows I love you.
Dinner's on me, okay? I insist.
Pass the check.
Sure, my parents spoil me, but that's only because they can, and if I ever make a lot of money some day, I would buy them a house or maybe a trip, but for now all I can really say is thank you mom.
Thank you, dad.
Why don't you buy your friends some pizza? Really? Yeah.
[Clapping.]
All right.
Hey, we get to order pizza.
[Instrumental music.]
Wait a minute.
I never thought of that.
They're McDonald's they just thought that was the same thing the whole time.
What did I eat? What did I swallow? I can't regurgitate this.
You regurgitate for me on the canvas.