Preacher (2016) s04e09 Episode Script
Overture
1 GOD: Bring him home, and you'll get your looks back.
And boom.
- [GRUNTING.]
- Target acquired.
At long last, the apocalypse has an air date! GOD: Jesse, live.
I didn't forsake you.
You wanted to.
See you at the Apocalypse.
- Bring your friends.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey Cass [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[CLATTERING, SCREAMING IN DISTANCE.]
Do you think we should tell him? [CLATTERING, SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
No.
Okay.
He'll understand.
After everything he's been through, you know? [SCREAMING, CLATTERING CONTINUES.]
Mum's the word.
Here he is.
Captain Morgan.
Okay, so, we slept together.
Not his fault, not mine.
You were gone, so we can't feel bad about it.
So [CLAPS.]
you can lose your shit if you want and Word us into toads.
But just do it now and get it over with.
Thanks for telling me.
You're welcome.
Turn you into what? Toads.
We understand if you hate us.
No.
I love you both very much.
No matter what.
Is that it? Anything else? Well we're gonna go and get Humperdoo, destroy the Grail, and maybe save the world from a fiery apocalypse.
- Huh.
- Only if you're up for it.
Humperdoo.
Where is he? [MOZART'S "REQUIEM IN D MINOR" PLAYS.]
[CHOIR SINGING IN LATIN.]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
[CHEERING CONTINUES.]
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Hey! [LAUGHS.]
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[WOMAN SINGING IN LATIN.]
[WHOOSHING.]
Bless me, Messiah.
Ah! Aah! Ohh! [CHOIR SINGING IN LATIN.]
- [LAUGHING.]
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Pink banana! [LAUGHS.]
Ah.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BABBLES.]
[GRUNTING.]
My child.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Would you? No, I-I-I meant Oh, you wa Sure.
Yeah, get in there.
[GRUNTING.]
[LAUGHS.]
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- [SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
WOMAN: And the ballerina is out.
[MAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY.]
Haka dancers in 10.
MAN: Get ready! Cue the mimes.
Cue the mimes.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[SAXOPHONE PLAYS.]
Where are my mimes? [INDISTINCT TALKING, SHOUTING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Hi, kid.
[CHUCKLES.]
JESSE: [ECHOING.]
Let's go! [NORMAL VOICE.]
Now you don't show? [ECHOING.]
Come on! [CLATTERING, SCREAMING IN DISTANCE.]
[SIGHS.]
This may be a bit weird, but, uh, all things considered, and I don't wanna jinx it but I got a really good feeling about where things are headed.
You know? [CLATTERING, SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
So, we good? One good thing about going to Hell and back, Cass You get perspective.
No, she was right.
I was gone.
But now I'm back.
[CLATTERING, SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
[SIGHS.]
[DISTANT THUD.]
[CLATTERING IN DISTANCE.]
Just to be clear: when you guys say "get Humperdoo," you mean Rescue.
Hump never hurt a fly.
This is a rescue mission.
- Ow! - Nissa.
Mr.
Cassidy.
So sorry.
Pardon the mess.
[STRAINING.]
- That's our ride? - [WHISTLES.]
Oh, you ready? - [LAUGHS.]
- Uh-oh.
Sounds like Tony's "bacon" us crazy again.
- [GUNSHOT.]
- Oh! - Aah! - [GUNSHOT, SCREAMING.]
Man, these morning shows.
CRAIG: I tried to tell you! The whole planet's gone off the rails! - Anything for ratings.
- Nobody would list [UPBEAT THEME MUSIC PLAYS.]
What the What is this? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE, MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
- Whoo! - We love you! Starr.
WOMAN: Yay! - Whoo! - We love you, Allfather! Today is the day, ladies and gentlemen, believers, and apostates.
MAN: We love you! Today's the day, at long last, when this grotesque and orderless world comes to an end.
MAN: Praise you! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- MAN #2: Praise you, Allfather! For those of you watching at home, here's how it goes.
First: a few opening acts singers, jugglers, ethnic musicians, a female comedian, and then, when the clock hits zero [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
the Messiah will dance! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[CROWD CHANTING "MESSIAH".]
And so signal The Apocalypse.
Clamor, chaos, fire from above, et cetera and et cetera.
The righteous will be spared, of course.
But the sinners [AUDIENCE BOOING LOUDLY.]
That's right, the sinners [BOOING CONTINUES.]
The feminists [BOOING CONTINUES.]
degenerates [BOOING CONTINUES.]
and desperados! [BOOING CONTINUES.]
today's the day they! Get! Theirs! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
My son? [WHOOSHING.]
Be careful with our child.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
I see everything.
Understand? I know everything.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- But Abel.
[CHUCKLES.]
He just wouldn't believe me, poor schmuck.
He'd keep saying to me, "No, no, Cain's not just my big brother, he's my best friend.
" Are you kidding me?! [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Sorry to disturb you, sir, but Hey, Dad.
Hello, Jesus.
Hey, I, uh You know, I know today's a big day for you, so I, uh, just wanted to wish you good luck.
Um, both of you.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you, Jesus.
Anything else? Um, like you say, it's a It's a busy day, and, uh, He needs to focus, so Yeah, of course.
Uh, of course.
Ach, n-nein! I believe in you! Schnell! Uh, Dad.
Just one more thing.
- Here we go! - Tricky" is the title It's tricky to rock a rhyme To rock a rhyme that's right on time It's tricky It's tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky It's tricky to rock a rhyme To rock a rhyme that's right on time It's tricky Tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky - Huh! - [MUSIC STOPS.]
Good.
[PANTING.]
So, anyway.
Cain and Abel Ow! Ow! Aah! Oh, hush now! That didn't hurt.
- [SCREAMS.]
- [GASPS.]
Wha That did.
[WHIMPERS.]
Ohh, I know.
I know.
Scary.
But we don't want anyone hurting you.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Go tell it on the mountain Over the hills and everywhere Go tell it on the mountain That Jesus Christ is born Go tell it on the mountain That Jesus Christ Is Where's Cass? Born Cass?! Over here.
Check this out.
Remember, this is not a rescue mission.
No matter what he says.
You know what needs to be done, right? Where is everybody? [WIND RUSHING, CHIMES TINKLING LIGHTLY.]
Up there.
[MUSIC PLAYING, AUDIENCE CHEERING IN DISTANCE.]
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS.]
[MUSIC ENDS, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Alright, let's go.
Oh, not again.
Cass?! Cass! [GUITAR PLAYS SOFTLY.]
Attention, all murderers.
Please don't murder in jail.
I hear they're letting you out.
So what do you want? I've been wondering the same thing.
What's His plan for someone like you? Comic relief? Cautionary tale? Appetite suppressant? [SIGHS.]
Or maybe He just doesn't wanna think about it anymore.
A mistakes-were-made-best- forgotten-kinda thing.
Or maybe, in the end, when it comes to someone like you? There is no plan.
[DRUM CADENCE PLAYS.]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
Cass! Cassidy? What do you want to do? Forget him.
GOD: Picture a mountain.
A mile wide and soaring high, made entirely of pure flaked Peruvian heroin.
Picture the girl.
Tulip.
All to yourself.
Picture Ireland.
Ah, that's right.
Your deepest desires [TRADITIONAL IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY.]
[LOON CALLS.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
Billy? Come on then, what're ya waitin' for? A victory parade? [DOOR OPENS.]
[LAUGHS.]
BILLY: Careful now, don't crush him! That'd be poor thanks for the man who saved me life.
Ah! Out of the way, ya gombeens! [CRYING.]
You came back to us.
I knew you would.
Ohh, my boy.
[LOON CALLS.]
GOD: A second chance, Proinsias.
The life you could've had, the man you should've been, and if it weren't for that Jesse Custer, that smug sonofabitch the girl you would've had.
And all you have to do is one, little thing.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
It's gonna be okay, Jesse.
Alright? Cass can look after himself.
The amount of shit he's gotten up and walked away from? Yeah.
A lotta shit.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
Hey.
Jesse, listen to me, okay? It's gonna be okay, I promise.
- [RUMBLING.]
- Shit.
That's God.
Now, you listen to me, Jesse Custer.
I sw The whole time I was with Him in the desert, the whole time I was with Him, when he showed me who He was: arrogant, hateful even when His teeth were ripping into my flesh, I never thought to stop Him.
I never thought to use my power to stop God.
I just never dared.
I read the letter, you know? And? What's "perpetuity" mean? It means forever.
Hm.
Well, I knew that.
I was just checking if you knew.
Now I really wish I hadn't burnt it.
What'd you do that for? Well, I sorta burnt a church down.
Aw.
Well, I ain't proud of it.
Well, this is officially bullshit.
Get me up there so I can open it from the outside.
Alright.
[GRUNTING.]
Hey.
Be careful.
I ain't scared of Him.
You should be.
I know, right? MAN: The ninth wonder of the musical world STARR: Good house.
Very respectful.
No candy wrappers, no texting.
Went crazy for Paula Poundstone.
Hm.
She's funny.
[WOMAN SINGING "AVE MARIA" IN DISTANCE.]
Something the matter, Flufferman? I'm sorry, sir.
It's just this is it.
Yes.
Tonight is it.
Yes! It's everything we've worked for.
God is on security tonight.
You should enjoy it, take a break.
Well, thank you, sir.
We've made a good team.
We've made a great team.
[LAUGHS.]
Hmm.
Hmm.
["THE LOVIN' SPOONFUL'S "DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC" PLAYS.]
Do you believe in magic - Hmm.
- In a young girl's heart? How the music can free her whenever it starts You're a handsome woman.
if the music is groovy And I am a very handsome man.
And the music's in me, yeah You're just mental.
You make dogs die when they eat chocolate.
You know, Don Jr.
? Testicles? That's terrible design.
You know, you've had some bad ideas in the past, but this is just the worst.
We both would hate to see anything happen to him.
Don't give me that.
You You You just want me to look after Hump 'til he dances, and then the whole bleedin' world blows up.
- So what? - 3 billion people is what.
Seven billion, six hundred ninety-two million and change.
I just can't believe Honestly, I-I-I had hoped that the secret to the universe was something a bit more complex than just "God's a frizzy-haired, homicidal lunatic.
" Who are you defending?! People?! Over a hundred years and all they've done is torment you.
And, besides, they're all gonna die sooner or later.
That's one of humanity's best features, don't you think? Well Well, they've done good stuff, too.
Alright? - Yeah, like what? - Like Italian food's good, isn't it? - Uh, Paul Newman.
- Yeah.
- Season Two of "The Love Boat.
" - Okay.
Alright.
- Brilliant.
- Alright.
Be honest with me: Did you really think, at the end of the day, that she could ever love something like you without a little Divine Intervention? You just think I'm weak.
- [SIGHS.]
- Yeah, you do.
Yeah, You d You think I'm just a selfish bum who can't come through in the pinch.
No, Proinsias.
I think you're a tired little boy who wants to go home.
[CRYING SOFTLY.]
[SCREAMS.]
[MEN CHANTING IN MAORI.]
[CHANTING CONTINUES.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
We enjoyed that, didn't we? You were certainly ready, sir.
Mm.
Years since I tapped into my wanton carnality.
Lots of lost time to make up for.
We could probably fit in another session before The Holy Child dances.
Hmm.
Aren't you the greedy little Gus? I meant after the show.
Oh.
If only, sir.
What's that supposed to mean? I just meant that, after the show, we'll be in Heaven.
We won't be able to do this again.
You're confused.
The old plan was for total annihilation, the new plan is limited.
Limited, sir? Yes.
A few bombs here and there to take out the Danes, the teacher unions, the hippies.
New plans were drawn up.
Sent out to our undercover field operatives.
Were there? Yes, I gave them to Hoover Two [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
Shit.
But, sir, what's the point of limiting an apocalypse? The point is to kill and not get killed.
Obviously.
But I thought that was the plan.
To die and ascend gloriously into Heaven.
Please, you're starting to sound like one of those religious kooks.
Now, clean yourself up, but don't touch my bidet.
I don't want any of your unsightly Anyway, I need to go fix this.
FEATHERSTONE: Herr Starr.
I have to know.
Wh-Why join The Grail in the first place? What What was all this for? Violence power dirty sex.
Why else? I mean, you've certainly had your fill, Flufferman.
Just look at yourself.
You going to Heaven? Please.
[WHIMPERS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[WOMAN SINGING INDISTINCTLY IN DISTANCE.]
[GRUNTING.]
[WIND RUSHING.]
Come on! Or don't.
Up to you.
So embarrassing.
Ach.
Do you think I was "embarrassed" after Stalingrad? Nein, I just kept going, never quit.
He doesn't want me.
I don't know what else to do.
[SIGHS.]
Don't you? Oh, I appreciate your support, Hitler.
Believing in me the whole time but no.
I'm not a murderer.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Of course, of course.
I know.
[SIGHS.]
I am.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
JESSE: Hey.
Hey! [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
ACCOUNTANT: [SOBBING.]
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYS.]
[GASPS.]
I-I'm sorry.
I I know I should be up with the others enjoying the apocalypse, but, forgive me, I-I don't wanna die.
Aah! [THUD.]
This'll do.
Have a seat.
Screw you.
You ever see the inside of a passenger elevator after its cable snaps? Looks like chili con carne.
Sit.
- Well, that was easy.
- What? Told you to do something, and you just did it? You threatened to pulverize my boyfriend.
Yeah, but I was hoping for a bit more fight.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Don't you have some other dumbass shit you should be doing? Like blowing up the world or something? Soon.
Mm.
What do you want? I just told you.
I want a fight.
Tulip? Tulip! [ECHOING.]
Help! Help! [CROWS CAWING.]
A punch in the face, a kick in the balls.
I deserve it, don't I? All the terrible things I've done? Oh, yeah, for sure.
So come on.
Take a shot.
You know what? Maybe before I woulda been interested, but now? [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
I'm good.
Oh, you think so? - Um-hm.
- Uh-huh.
You're, uh You're good, huh? Yeah, I see.
I see.
You think you've changed.
[CHUCKLES.]
No.
No, people like you, you don't change.
Not really.
You wanna know what I think? I think the days of me caring about what you think are done.
Well, I bet I can make you care.
60 seconds.
I bet I can make you lose that famous temper of yours and hit me.
And if I'm wrong, you win.
I'll leave you and your friends alone.
I'll even call off the apocalypse.
[SCOFFS, CHUCKLES.]
Hold on.
No, hold on.
Just sit here and not hit you for one minute? Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
What's the catch? The catch? [CHUCKLES.]
The catch is the same as always, O'Hare: You're gonna screw it up.
[TIMER CLICKING.]
Murderer.
Mm.
Whore.
Liar.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Mm Cheat.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're doing very well.
Let's see, um How about Dallas? You remember Dallas? Losing the baby.
Losing your daughter.
In fact, you want to know what I was thinking there? The cosmic, sweeping reason for her death? [SIGHS.]
O'Hare, wouldn't you finally like to know why? [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
[SIGHS.]
I can't remember.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[TIMER RINGING.]
I win.
And next we [FLESH RENDING.]
[MACHINERY POWERING ON.]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
[CASSIDY GROANING IN DISTANCE.]
Cass? [GROANING CONTINUES.]
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Cass.
Jesse.
I said no.
He He He tried to tempt me.
He said He could send me home.
I said no.
Good man.
Good man.
- I'll get some blood.
- No, no, no, no, no.
There's no time.
You have to get Humperdoo.
You're gonna kill him, aren't you? God won't let us take him, Cass.
- I'm sorry.
- [CRYING.]
I'm sorry, too.
I'm sorry I'm so weak.
No, you're not.
Look at you.
You're a survivor.
Yeah.
I'm so sick of it.
What are you talking about? He said He could send me home, Jesse.
But you were strong.
You turned Him down.
You turned Him down.
I said no.
Over and over, I said no until I said yes.
[GRUNTS.]
[COUGHS, SOBS.]
Well done, Proinsias.
I did it for Hump.
I didn't do it for you.
Oh, whatever you want to tell yourself, vampire.
Still you must be thirsty.
[GURGLING.]
[SIGHS.]
[CONTAINER THUDS.]
Back to work! [HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS, CROWD CHEERING.]
[MUSIC, CHEERING STOPS.]
Closing time [ENGINE REVVING.]
Ohh! - MAN: Oh, my God.
- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
GOD: The world is ending, the theater is full, and the church is empty.
I rest my case.
[CHUCKLES.]
Now you quit?! If ever there was an occasion.
What more do you want? My mom, my dad, my eye, my friends.
You've taken everything.
I want what was taken from me.
Genesis.
It was never meant to be.
It's a stain.
On both Heaven and Hell.
A blasphemous stain.
A power to rival your own.
Well, maybe so.
That'd solve everything for you, wouldn't it? If Genesis worked on me? Try it.
Look at me.
Hey.
[ECHOING.]
Look at me.
[BREATHES SHARPLY.]
Aah! Aah! [GROANS.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Come on, Preacher.
Here's your chance.
[ECHOING.]
Command me! [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
You fear me.
[ECHOING.]
As you should! - [SCREAMS.]
- [GLASS SHATTERS.]
[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS IN DISTANCE.]
[DOOR RATTLING.]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING IN DISTANCE.]
[DOOR RATTLES.]
[DOOR RATTLES.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Why are you doing this? You're from Hell.
What do you care who the Messiah is? [SCOFFS LIGHTLY.]
Because I want to win, of course.
Humperdoo is divine.
That much is clear.
He would be a formidable opponent.
Whereas you [SCOFFS.]
I said no.
Murder is wrong.
What? Will you stop me with the power of love? Maybe I will.
Get off me, you loser! Whoa! [SIGHS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
STARR: "Function," "start," "send.
" - [FAX MACHINE BEEPS.]
- Nothing's happening.
MAN: Are you sure you pressed the right buttons? I'm telling you, it's not sending.
And have you tried turning off and unplugging? Adnan, listen to me very carefully.
If I don't get those override orders out, you, your family, your entire tech support department, and everyone else on planet Earth will be consumed in a nuclear firestorm, understand? Well, uh, please hit "function," "start," and "send.
" "Function," "start," "send.
" "Function," "start," "send.
" Come on, come [GRUNTS.]
[SCOFFS.]
[UP-TEMPO PIANO MUSIC PLAYS, SHOES TAPPING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Humperdoo! [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, buddy.
Can't wait.
Our time is almost done.
Time to release Genesis.
Let it go.
But why do I have it? Why'd it find me in the first place? God only knows.
[GRUNTS.]
Now give it to me.
Well, go ahead.
Just take it.
[ECHOING.]
Give it to me! God All-mighty, my ass.
You want it so bad, why don't you reach in and take it, you son of a bitch.
[GROANS.]
[RUMBLING.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[RUMBLING STOPS.]
What did you do? Hmm.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOORS CREAKING.]
[SPURS JINGLE.]
You.
That's right.
The Saint of Killers.
Yes.
We know each other.
We actually go way back.
[FLIES BUZZING, CROW CAWING.]
Isn't that right, William, my old friend? [SPURS JINGLING.]
[GUN COCKS.]
Way back.
He's all yours.
Do it.
What are you waiting for? Shoot him.
Do it.
Shoot him.
[WOMAN SINGING SOFTLY IN NATIVE LANGUAGE.]
[SINGING CONTINUES.]
[CROWS CAWING.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
He's not here for me, Preacher.
He's here for you.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[SPURS JINGLING.]
And boom.
- [GRUNTING.]
- Target acquired.
At long last, the apocalypse has an air date! GOD: Jesse, live.
I didn't forsake you.
You wanted to.
See you at the Apocalypse.
- Bring your friends.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey Cass [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[CLATTERING, SCREAMING IN DISTANCE.]
Do you think we should tell him? [CLATTERING, SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
No.
Okay.
He'll understand.
After everything he's been through, you know? [SCREAMING, CLATTERING CONTINUES.]
Mum's the word.
Here he is.
Captain Morgan.
Okay, so, we slept together.
Not his fault, not mine.
You were gone, so we can't feel bad about it.
So [CLAPS.]
you can lose your shit if you want and Word us into toads.
But just do it now and get it over with.
Thanks for telling me.
You're welcome.
Turn you into what? Toads.
We understand if you hate us.
No.
I love you both very much.
No matter what.
Is that it? Anything else? Well we're gonna go and get Humperdoo, destroy the Grail, and maybe save the world from a fiery apocalypse.
- Huh.
- Only if you're up for it.
Humperdoo.
Where is he? [MOZART'S "REQUIEM IN D MINOR" PLAYS.]
[CHOIR SINGING IN LATIN.]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
[CHEERING CONTINUES.]
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Hey! [LAUGHS.]
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[WOMAN SINGING IN LATIN.]
[WHOOSHING.]
Bless me, Messiah.
Ah! Aah! Ohh! [CHOIR SINGING IN LATIN.]
- [LAUGHING.]
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Pink banana! [LAUGHS.]
Ah.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BABBLES.]
[GRUNTING.]
My child.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Would you? No, I-I-I meant Oh, you wa Sure.
Yeah, get in there.
[GRUNTING.]
[LAUGHS.]
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- [SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
WOMAN: And the ballerina is out.
[MAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY.]
Haka dancers in 10.
MAN: Get ready! Cue the mimes.
Cue the mimes.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[SAXOPHONE PLAYS.]
Where are my mimes? [INDISTINCT TALKING, SHOUTING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Hi, kid.
[CHUCKLES.]
JESSE: [ECHOING.]
Let's go! [NORMAL VOICE.]
Now you don't show? [ECHOING.]
Come on! [CLATTERING, SCREAMING IN DISTANCE.]
[SIGHS.]
This may be a bit weird, but, uh, all things considered, and I don't wanna jinx it but I got a really good feeling about where things are headed.
You know? [CLATTERING, SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
So, we good? One good thing about going to Hell and back, Cass You get perspective.
No, she was right.
I was gone.
But now I'm back.
[CLATTERING, SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
[SIGHS.]
[DISTANT THUD.]
[CLATTERING IN DISTANCE.]
Just to be clear: when you guys say "get Humperdoo," you mean Rescue.
Hump never hurt a fly.
This is a rescue mission.
- Ow! - Nissa.
Mr.
Cassidy.
So sorry.
Pardon the mess.
[STRAINING.]
- That's our ride? - [WHISTLES.]
Oh, you ready? - [LAUGHS.]
- Uh-oh.
Sounds like Tony's "bacon" us crazy again.
- [GUNSHOT.]
- Oh! - Aah! - [GUNSHOT, SCREAMING.]
Man, these morning shows.
CRAIG: I tried to tell you! The whole planet's gone off the rails! - Anything for ratings.
- Nobody would list [UPBEAT THEME MUSIC PLAYS.]
What the What is this? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE, MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
- Whoo! - We love you! Starr.
WOMAN: Yay! - Whoo! - We love you, Allfather! Today is the day, ladies and gentlemen, believers, and apostates.
MAN: We love you! Today's the day, at long last, when this grotesque and orderless world comes to an end.
MAN: Praise you! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- MAN #2: Praise you, Allfather! For those of you watching at home, here's how it goes.
First: a few opening acts singers, jugglers, ethnic musicians, a female comedian, and then, when the clock hits zero [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
the Messiah will dance! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[CROWD CHANTING "MESSIAH".]
And so signal The Apocalypse.
Clamor, chaos, fire from above, et cetera and et cetera.
The righteous will be spared, of course.
But the sinners [AUDIENCE BOOING LOUDLY.]
That's right, the sinners [BOOING CONTINUES.]
The feminists [BOOING CONTINUES.]
degenerates [BOOING CONTINUES.]
and desperados! [BOOING CONTINUES.]
today's the day they! Get! Theirs! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
My son? [WHOOSHING.]
Be careful with our child.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
I see everything.
Understand? I know everything.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- But Abel.
[CHUCKLES.]
He just wouldn't believe me, poor schmuck.
He'd keep saying to me, "No, no, Cain's not just my big brother, he's my best friend.
" Are you kidding me?! [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Sorry to disturb you, sir, but Hey, Dad.
Hello, Jesus.
Hey, I, uh You know, I know today's a big day for you, so I, uh, just wanted to wish you good luck.
Um, both of you.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you, Jesus.
Anything else? Um, like you say, it's a It's a busy day, and, uh, He needs to focus, so Yeah, of course.
Uh, of course.
Ach, n-nein! I believe in you! Schnell! Uh, Dad.
Just one more thing.
- Here we go! - Tricky" is the title It's tricky to rock a rhyme To rock a rhyme that's right on time It's tricky It's tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky It's tricky to rock a rhyme To rock a rhyme that's right on time It's tricky Tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky - Huh! - [MUSIC STOPS.]
Good.
[PANTING.]
So, anyway.
Cain and Abel Ow! Ow! Aah! Oh, hush now! That didn't hurt.
- [SCREAMS.]
- [GASPS.]
Wha That did.
[WHIMPERS.]
Ohh, I know.
I know.
Scary.
But we don't want anyone hurting you.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Go tell it on the mountain Over the hills and everywhere Go tell it on the mountain That Jesus Christ is born Go tell it on the mountain That Jesus Christ Is Where's Cass? Born Cass?! Over here.
Check this out.
Remember, this is not a rescue mission.
No matter what he says.
You know what needs to be done, right? Where is everybody? [WIND RUSHING, CHIMES TINKLING LIGHTLY.]
Up there.
[MUSIC PLAYING, AUDIENCE CHEERING IN DISTANCE.]
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS.]
[MUSIC ENDS, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Alright, let's go.
Oh, not again.
Cass?! Cass! [GUITAR PLAYS SOFTLY.]
Attention, all murderers.
Please don't murder in jail.
I hear they're letting you out.
So what do you want? I've been wondering the same thing.
What's His plan for someone like you? Comic relief? Cautionary tale? Appetite suppressant? [SIGHS.]
Or maybe He just doesn't wanna think about it anymore.
A mistakes-were-made-best- forgotten-kinda thing.
Or maybe, in the end, when it comes to someone like you? There is no plan.
[DRUM CADENCE PLAYS.]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
Cass! Cassidy? What do you want to do? Forget him.
GOD: Picture a mountain.
A mile wide and soaring high, made entirely of pure flaked Peruvian heroin.
Picture the girl.
Tulip.
All to yourself.
Picture Ireland.
Ah, that's right.
Your deepest desires [TRADITIONAL IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY.]
[LOON CALLS.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
Billy? Come on then, what're ya waitin' for? A victory parade? [DOOR OPENS.]
[LAUGHS.]
BILLY: Careful now, don't crush him! That'd be poor thanks for the man who saved me life.
Ah! Out of the way, ya gombeens! [CRYING.]
You came back to us.
I knew you would.
Ohh, my boy.
[LOON CALLS.]
GOD: A second chance, Proinsias.
The life you could've had, the man you should've been, and if it weren't for that Jesse Custer, that smug sonofabitch the girl you would've had.
And all you have to do is one, little thing.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
It's gonna be okay, Jesse.
Alright? Cass can look after himself.
The amount of shit he's gotten up and walked away from? Yeah.
A lotta shit.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
Hey.
Jesse, listen to me, okay? It's gonna be okay, I promise.
- [RUMBLING.]
- Shit.
That's God.
Now, you listen to me, Jesse Custer.
I sw The whole time I was with Him in the desert, the whole time I was with Him, when he showed me who He was: arrogant, hateful even when His teeth were ripping into my flesh, I never thought to stop Him.
I never thought to use my power to stop God.
I just never dared.
I read the letter, you know? And? What's "perpetuity" mean? It means forever.
Hm.
Well, I knew that.
I was just checking if you knew.
Now I really wish I hadn't burnt it.
What'd you do that for? Well, I sorta burnt a church down.
Aw.
Well, I ain't proud of it.
Well, this is officially bullshit.
Get me up there so I can open it from the outside.
Alright.
[GRUNTING.]
Hey.
Be careful.
I ain't scared of Him.
You should be.
I know, right? MAN: The ninth wonder of the musical world STARR: Good house.
Very respectful.
No candy wrappers, no texting.
Went crazy for Paula Poundstone.
Hm.
She's funny.
[WOMAN SINGING "AVE MARIA" IN DISTANCE.]
Something the matter, Flufferman? I'm sorry, sir.
It's just this is it.
Yes.
Tonight is it.
Yes! It's everything we've worked for.
God is on security tonight.
You should enjoy it, take a break.
Well, thank you, sir.
We've made a good team.
We've made a great team.
[LAUGHS.]
Hmm.
Hmm.
["THE LOVIN' SPOONFUL'S "DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC" PLAYS.]
Do you believe in magic - Hmm.
- In a young girl's heart? How the music can free her whenever it starts You're a handsome woman.
if the music is groovy And I am a very handsome man.
And the music's in me, yeah You're just mental.
You make dogs die when they eat chocolate.
You know, Don Jr.
? Testicles? That's terrible design.
You know, you've had some bad ideas in the past, but this is just the worst.
We both would hate to see anything happen to him.
Don't give me that.
You You You just want me to look after Hump 'til he dances, and then the whole bleedin' world blows up.
- So what? - 3 billion people is what.
Seven billion, six hundred ninety-two million and change.
I just can't believe Honestly, I-I-I had hoped that the secret to the universe was something a bit more complex than just "God's a frizzy-haired, homicidal lunatic.
" Who are you defending?! People?! Over a hundred years and all they've done is torment you.
And, besides, they're all gonna die sooner or later.
That's one of humanity's best features, don't you think? Well Well, they've done good stuff, too.
Alright? - Yeah, like what? - Like Italian food's good, isn't it? - Uh, Paul Newman.
- Yeah.
- Season Two of "The Love Boat.
" - Okay.
Alright.
- Brilliant.
- Alright.
Be honest with me: Did you really think, at the end of the day, that she could ever love something like you without a little Divine Intervention? You just think I'm weak.
- [SIGHS.]
- Yeah, you do.
Yeah, You d You think I'm just a selfish bum who can't come through in the pinch.
No, Proinsias.
I think you're a tired little boy who wants to go home.
[CRYING SOFTLY.]
[SCREAMS.]
[MEN CHANTING IN MAORI.]
[CHANTING CONTINUES.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
We enjoyed that, didn't we? You were certainly ready, sir.
Mm.
Years since I tapped into my wanton carnality.
Lots of lost time to make up for.
We could probably fit in another session before The Holy Child dances.
Hmm.
Aren't you the greedy little Gus? I meant after the show.
Oh.
If only, sir.
What's that supposed to mean? I just meant that, after the show, we'll be in Heaven.
We won't be able to do this again.
You're confused.
The old plan was for total annihilation, the new plan is limited.
Limited, sir? Yes.
A few bombs here and there to take out the Danes, the teacher unions, the hippies.
New plans were drawn up.
Sent out to our undercover field operatives.
Were there? Yes, I gave them to Hoover Two [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
Shit.
But, sir, what's the point of limiting an apocalypse? The point is to kill and not get killed.
Obviously.
But I thought that was the plan.
To die and ascend gloriously into Heaven.
Please, you're starting to sound like one of those religious kooks.
Now, clean yourself up, but don't touch my bidet.
I don't want any of your unsightly Anyway, I need to go fix this.
FEATHERSTONE: Herr Starr.
I have to know.
Wh-Why join The Grail in the first place? What What was all this for? Violence power dirty sex.
Why else? I mean, you've certainly had your fill, Flufferman.
Just look at yourself.
You going to Heaven? Please.
[WHIMPERS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[WOMAN SINGING INDISTINCTLY IN DISTANCE.]
[GRUNTING.]
[WIND RUSHING.]
Come on! Or don't.
Up to you.
So embarrassing.
Ach.
Do you think I was "embarrassed" after Stalingrad? Nein, I just kept going, never quit.
He doesn't want me.
I don't know what else to do.
[SIGHS.]
Don't you? Oh, I appreciate your support, Hitler.
Believing in me the whole time but no.
I'm not a murderer.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Of course, of course.
I know.
[SIGHS.]
I am.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
JESSE: Hey.
Hey! [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
ACCOUNTANT: [SOBBING.]
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYS.]
[GASPS.]
I-I'm sorry.
I I know I should be up with the others enjoying the apocalypse, but, forgive me, I-I don't wanna die.
Aah! [THUD.]
This'll do.
Have a seat.
Screw you.
You ever see the inside of a passenger elevator after its cable snaps? Looks like chili con carne.
Sit.
- Well, that was easy.
- What? Told you to do something, and you just did it? You threatened to pulverize my boyfriend.
Yeah, but I was hoping for a bit more fight.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Don't you have some other dumbass shit you should be doing? Like blowing up the world or something? Soon.
Mm.
What do you want? I just told you.
I want a fight.
Tulip? Tulip! [ECHOING.]
Help! Help! [CROWS CAWING.]
A punch in the face, a kick in the balls.
I deserve it, don't I? All the terrible things I've done? Oh, yeah, for sure.
So come on.
Take a shot.
You know what? Maybe before I woulda been interested, but now? [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
I'm good.
Oh, you think so? - Um-hm.
- Uh-huh.
You're, uh You're good, huh? Yeah, I see.
I see.
You think you've changed.
[CHUCKLES.]
No.
No, people like you, you don't change.
Not really.
You wanna know what I think? I think the days of me caring about what you think are done.
Well, I bet I can make you care.
60 seconds.
I bet I can make you lose that famous temper of yours and hit me.
And if I'm wrong, you win.
I'll leave you and your friends alone.
I'll even call off the apocalypse.
[SCOFFS, CHUCKLES.]
Hold on.
No, hold on.
Just sit here and not hit you for one minute? Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
What's the catch? The catch? [CHUCKLES.]
The catch is the same as always, O'Hare: You're gonna screw it up.
[TIMER CLICKING.]
Murderer.
Mm.
Whore.
Liar.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Mm Cheat.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're doing very well.
Let's see, um How about Dallas? You remember Dallas? Losing the baby.
Losing your daughter.
In fact, you want to know what I was thinking there? The cosmic, sweeping reason for her death? [SIGHS.]
O'Hare, wouldn't you finally like to know why? [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
[SIGHS.]
I can't remember.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[TIMER RINGING.]
I win.
And next we [FLESH RENDING.]
[MACHINERY POWERING ON.]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
[CASSIDY GROANING IN DISTANCE.]
Cass? [GROANING CONTINUES.]
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Cass.
Jesse.
I said no.
He He He tried to tempt me.
He said He could send me home.
I said no.
Good man.
Good man.
- I'll get some blood.
- No, no, no, no, no.
There's no time.
You have to get Humperdoo.
You're gonna kill him, aren't you? God won't let us take him, Cass.
- I'm sorry.
- [CRYING.]
I'm sorry, too.
I'm sorry I'm so weak.
No, you're not.
Look at you.
You're a survivor.
Yeah.
I'm so sick of it.
What are you talking about? He said He could send me home, Jesse.
But you were strong.
You turned Him down.
You turned Him down.
I said no.
Over and over, I said no until I said yes.
[GRUNTS.]
[COUGHS, SOBS.]
Well done, Proinsias.
I did it for Hump.
I didn't do it for you.
Oh, whatever you want to tell yourself, vampire.
Still you must be thirsty.
[GURGLING.]
[SIGHS.]
[CONTAINER THUDS.]
Back to work! [HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS, CROWD CHEERING.]
[MUSIC, CHEERING STOPS.]
Closing time [ENGINE REVVING.]
Ohh! - MAN: Oh, my God.
- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
GOD: The world is ending, the theater is full, and the church is empty.
I rest my case.
[CHUCKLES.]
Now you quit?! If ever there was an occasion.
What more do you want? My mom, my dad, my eye, my friends.
You've taken everything.
I want what was taken from me.
Genesis.
It was never meant to be.
It's a stain.
On both Heaven and Hell.
A blasphemous stain.
A power to rival your own.
Well, maybe so.
That'd solve everything for you, wouldn't it? If Genesis worked on me? Try it.
Look at me.
Hey.
[ECHOING.]
Look at me.
[BREATHES SHARPLY.]
Aah! Aah! [GROANS.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Come on, Preacher.
Here's your chance.
[ECHOING.]
Command me! [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
You fear me.
[ECHOING.]
As you should! - [SCREAMS.]
- [GLASS SHATTERS.]
[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS IN DISTANCE.]
[DOOR RATTLING.]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING IN DISTANCE.]
[DOOR RATTLES.]
[DOOR RATTLES.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Why are you doing this? You're from Hell.
What do you care who the Messiah is? [SCOFFS LIGHTLY.]
Because I want to win, of course.
Humperdoo is divine.
That much is clear.
He would be a formidable opponent.
Whereas you [SCOFFS.]
I said no.
Murder is wrong.
What? Will you stop me with the power of love? Maybe I will.
Get off me, you loser! Whoa! [SIGHS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
STARR: "Function," "start," "send.
" - [FAX MACHINE BEEPS.]
- Nothing's happening.
MAN: Are you sure you pressed the right buttons? I'm telling you, it's not sending.
And have you tried turning off and unplugging? Adnan, listen to me very carefully.
If I don't get those override orders out, you, your family, your entire tech support department, and everyone else on planet Earth will be consumed in a nuclear firestorm, understand? Well, uh, please hit "function," "start," and "send.
" "Function," "start," "send.
" "Function," "start," "send.
" Come on, come [GRUNTS.]
[SCOFFS.]
[UP-TEMPO PIANO MUSIC PLAYS, SHOES TAPPING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Humperdoo! [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, buddy.
Can't wait.
Our time is almost done.
Time to release Genesis.
Let it go.
But why do I have it? Why'd it find me in the first place? God only knows.
[GRUNTS.]
Now give it to me.
Well, go ahead.
Just take it.
[ECHOING.]
Give it to me! God All-mighty, my ass.
You want it so bad, why don't you reach in and take it, you son of a bitch.
[GROANS.]
[RUMBLING.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[RUMBLING STOPS.]
What did you do? Hmm.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOORS CREAKING.]
[SPURS JINGLE.]
You.
That's right.
The Saint of Killers.
Yes.
We know each other.
We actually go way back.
[FLIES BUZZING, CROW CAWING.]
Isn't that right, William, my old friend? [SPURS JINGLING.]
[GUN COCKS.]
Way back.
He's all yours.
Do it.
What are you waiting for? Shoot him.
Do it.
Shoot him.
[WOMAN SINGING SOFTLY IN NATIVE LANGUAGE.]
[SINGING CONTINUES.]
[CROWS CAWING.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
He's not here for me, Preacher.
He's here for you.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[SPURS JINGLING.]