Raising Hope s04e09 Episode Script

All the Nates down in Natesville liked Christmas a lot, From its oldest old person to its tiniest tot.
'Twas a time for good neighbors to sip spiked radish punch, to hang lights at high heights, and drink eggnog for lunch.
They ate kazoo cookies till their stomachs grew sore, then forgot why they stopped and ate a few more.
Yes, everyone's hearts brimmed over with holiday cheer.
Except for one, inside the man Who sits alone way up here.
Stupid Christmas.
You might be asking yourself, "What's with the sad surly man and his Santa-like dog? Who sapped Burt's spirits? Who de-yuled his log? And why is he up there? His family's way down below!" It all began on Thanksgiving, about four weeks ago.
Virginia, over here.
It's my fault we're late.
I couldn't find my turkey-ass sweatshirt.
Without the ass, mine's just a tacky sweatshirt.
Ooh, ooh, the mayor's float.
Hopefully, she sobered up this year.
Happy Thanksgiving! Happy Thanksgiving! Oh, that looks so fun.
I wish I had that job.
- Mayor? - No, mayor's husband.
He gets to execute the turkey every year.
Ooh, here we go.
Oh, she gets me all tingly.
Why are the drunk ones always married? Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Is that you, Virginia? And right there and then, in the crowd's full view, the mayor fell off the wagon in not one way but two.
Whoa! Drunk mayor down.
Mayor Hellman! Are you okay? Looks like the mayor's going back to rehab.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I wonder who we'll elect to be interim mayor this time.
If I were mayor, I'd turn the town seal into a shark, so it could eat the other towns' seals.
If I were mayor, I would forget I was the mayor.
If I were mayor, I'd get rid of the mandatory retirement age.
I think old people are more capable than we realize.
If I were mayor, I'd probably forget I was the mayor.
I think I'd want to be mayor so Virginia could be First Lady.
Then she could light the tree at the town's Christmas Celebration.
That would be the best gift ever.
I usually just give her batteries 'cause I know she'll use them.
Well, everyone needs batteries.
My two moms go through them like crazy.
She likes batteries, but it would be great to wow her.
She'd flip out if she could light the Natesville Christmas tree.
You know, Burt, you being mayor isn't the craziest idea.
I mean, why not Burt Chance? Why not Burt Chance? He made so many friends.
Hi, neighbor.
We're taking advantage of our stop sign to add a little friendliness to our community and say hi to folks.
He helped plants shed their excessive split ends.
What are you doing so far from home? And you're a mess.
Nah.
I'll have you pruned up in no time.
He kept even the smallest of creatures in mind.
I got him! Today, you live! No! Once helped out a pig who was helping the blind.
Good job, pig.
Yeah.
Why not? So Burt and Virginia, with their usual pluck, went out to campaign after pimping Burt's truck.
Burt for mayor! Why not Burt? You got anybody better? We didn't think so.
He spoke to vets.
Veterans are our greatest heroes.
And people with nets.
Butterfly collectors are our greatest heroes.
He even spoke to some people who dressed up like pets.
I don't understand what's going on here, but You seem like our greatest heroes.
And when they were done with their whistle-stop rants, all anyone could say was Why not Burt Chance? Why not Burt Chance? Why not Burt Chance? Why not Burt Chance? Why not? While Virginia and Burt campaigned very hard, Jimmy and Sabrina posed for this year's Christmas card.
Come on, Hope.
It's Santa.
You love Santa.
Hope's very first Christmas, her mom's reputation gave Hope a bad rap with the church congregation.
We just can't overlook the fact that she's a murderer's baby.
Try as they might to get Hope some salvation, her ill-equipped family caused more irritation.
Looks like we're not gonna be on the news.
And Hope's gonna still be known as the murderer's baby.
One year Jimmy got wasted, and being a dope, he wished for a world where he never had Hope.
I wish I had never picked up Lucy in my van.
That silly wish caused all kinds of strife, and we sort of ripped off It's a Wonderful Life.
Merry Christmas, dancin' dan! It's Christmas? Christmas 2012 gave Hope a good fright with Virginia so sure the Mayan Doomsday was right.
Sabrina, you shouldn't have! All in the family seemed ripe for a fight.
'Twas a horrible, deplorable, spit-orable night.
Ah, come on, Hope.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
Santa's our friend.
Here, watch.
I'll take my picture with him.
Okay, James, go on, flip the switch.
Ho, ho, ho.
- Help.
- Merry Christmas! Help! - Help.
- Ho, ho, ho.
Merry Chris Merry See? Ho, ho Welcome to interim mayor election results.
- Shh! It's on! - Ooh.
In a few minutes, this channel switches over to our nightly lotto results.
If I seem rushed, I apologize.
In third place, with one vote: Ralph Nader.
Every year I try.
In second place, Burt Chance.
- Oh.
- Well, you gave it your best, dad.
And first place is: More fresh veggies.
But I'm thinking that's because Howdy's collected These ballots in their old suggestion box.
So I guess Burt Chance is mayor.
Congratulations, Mr.
Ch Tonight's winning lottery numbers are Burt, you did it.
You won! Natesville chose me.
You're mayor.
You're First Lady.
I'm First Lady! Would Burt be the greatest mayor that his town's ever had? You'll only find out after watching this ad.
You just saw some commercials for home, health and hair, but while you were gone, Burt was sworn in as mayor.
Burt, this is amazing.
You are the interim mayor of Natesville.
Power, influence.
Plus, I think we get all new cabinets.
Those things are good, but the best part is, This year, for Christmas, I get to give you the gift of lighting the tree at the Christmas Festival.
Oh, it's been my dream since I was a little girl to light that tree.
And I deem it so.
Oh, could Hope stand in the front row of the Christmas choir so I could get a good picture? So let it be written, so let it be done.
Isn't that so great, Hope? Isn't that great? How about you, Jimmy? What's your Christmas wish? I sort of wish you'd resign as mayor.
And, like every other Christmas wish You've had since you were five, that's not gonna happen.
Well, you know, it's just, in the past, all the other interim mayors let the job go to their heads and became power-hungry dictators.
As interim mayor, let me start by saying thank you.
And let me end by saying, I just sold the church bells To a delicious national taco chain.
I am closing main street to vehicular traffic effective immediately.
Why did you do that?! No further questions! I'm ending school lunch programs.
- What? - You suck! Students' meals must now be homemade with groceries bought from local stores.
On a purely coincidental note, Brown bags and bologna are now half off at Howdy's.
Jimmy, I'm not like all those other mayors.
They took the job with a selfish agenda.
I just want to get some special treats for my family.
Yeah, Jimmy.
It's Christmas.
Stop trying to scrooge us out of something good.
Excuse me.
Mayor Chance? Yes, minion.
Wow.
What a spectacular inauguration party.
Yeah.
This is Theo.
Oh.
- The mayor's dog.
- Oh.
He's yours for the next 28 days.
Wow, that's a lot of responsibility.
This is what Mayor Hellman was working on before she slipped back into exhaustion.
"Confidential.
Mayor's eyes only.
" That means you probably shouldn't read the rest of it out loud.
Oh.
What the what? Once Burt figured out what the news that he'd seen meant, He went to the mayor who had snuck out of treatment.
Burt? Hi.
I got to make this fast.
Rumor is, a celebrity's coming in.
Please be a Baldwin! Please be a Baldwin! I want to thank you for agreeing to speak to me, Your Honor.
Look, we have a problem.
Uh, did you bring the moisturizing Dandruff shampoo - from my office shower? - Oh, sorry.
Yeah, attaboy.
Wow.
That shampoo smells a lot like tequila.
What's your problem, Burt? Is it true what it said in the file? You sold the pool to a fertilizer company.
Now we can't pay the rent.
Now they're gonna build a giant poop factory on top of it, And we'll lose the pool forever? I'm afraid so.
Rinse and repeat.
Why did we sell the pool in the first place? We sold the pool to get the money to fix the fire damage at the power plant, because the income from the power plant helps us fund the fire department, which we need because the power plant keeps catching on fire.
I'm gonna run this by Virginia.
She's the money guru in our house.
She'll think of something.
No, no, no.
You can't tell your wife or anyone how close we are to financial apocalypse.
We're like a poorly-knitted sweater, Burt.
Pull one thread, and you're standing in front of a whole town in nothing but your custom bra that makes your uneven boobs look normal.
Or whatever the male equivalent of that is.
I'm gonna miss that pool.
Yeah.
I never knew being mayor meant making such tough choices.
There is one city budget item you could cut that would probably save the pool.
But no mayor has ever had the stones to try it.
While Burt was told the mayor's pool-saving plan, Virginia saw trees with a tree-sawing man.
Ooh, Dick, this one's gonna look great in the town square.
No, wait.
This one.
No.
This one! Yes, 100%, Definitely, I promise.
Nope.
Changed my mind.
Hello.
I told you the power would go to his head! Listen! Once again, effective immediately, Natesville's Christmas Celebration has been canceled.
No further questions.
I'm the mayor, and my word is law.
You suck! Virginia thought Jimmy was playing a trick, but alas, it was true, Burt turned into a Dick, don't cut down that tree! A mob chased Burt home with hollers and hoots Oh, yeah? Well, I'm the mayor, and you're glue.
Whatever I say becomes law.
and pelted his door with cakes made of fruits.
You canceled the Christmas Festival?! That's the one thing in this town that every single person loves! Uh, pretty sure everyone loves that pool, too.
Well, sure, nothing beats the pool, But the pool's going to be around forever.
Please tell me there's a good reason for this.
There is.
There's a very good reason.
Thank god.
What is it? I took an oath.
I can't tell anyone.
Okay.
What if you don't tell me, but I guess? That could work.
Virginia knew all Burt's secrets, Even those in his toes.
Like how one twitched when he lied, like Pinocchio's nose.
Did you cancel the Christmas Festival because aliens will use brightly-colored trees as their landing beacons? No.
Okay.
Did you cancel it because the idea of reindeer, candy canes and trees has nothing to do with the actual meaning of the holiday? No.
All right, well.
Those were two most obvious ones.
This is a pretty big swing.
Is the city out of money? No.
Bingo! There's no money for the Christmas Festival.
I think my toes have said too much already.
So Virginia got a brilliant idea.
An awfully brilliant, resilient idea.
Grab everything Christmasy.
If Natesville can't afford a Christmas Festival, Then we're doing it ourselves.
So Maw Maw and Burt, with the help of his spouse, grabbed bows and a card from their pen pal in Laos.
They took every ornament and each candy cane, and also the pillow for Maw Maw's butt pain.
The family Chance snuck into Howdy's with stealth to snatch holiday trinkets and clear every shelf.
They even ripped off the security elf.
Oh, this is going to be such a great festival! It's too bad you can't be there.
Oh, I'm gonna be there.
No way I'm gonna miss your mother lighting that tree.
I got to see that look on her face.
But the whole town is mad at you.
You might get candy-caned Or shot.
They won't even know I'm there.
I'm going in disguise.
I'll give you a hint.
He wears a red furry suit and says "Ho, ho, ho.
" You're going as a pimp? Santa Claus.
I'll be going as Santa Claus, Jimmy.
There was a chance that the Chances might just save the day.
Sabrina was stacked.
Well, with wreaths, anyway.
One fresh from the womb, one close to the crypt.
They grabbed all the goodies their weak hands could grip.
While wreath after wreath after wreath was unclipped.
Since sugar plums, not brains, danced in their head, They thought one tiny dog could pull one giant sled.
But try as they might, that dog wouldn't mush, so Burt climbed down and started to push.
And in order to get all Natesvillians to meet, Sabrina sent out an emergency tweet.
The word of a party soon spread far and near, And Natesvillians came calling, all filled with great cheer.
Yes, everyone pitched in to make Christmas greater.
Of course, some made decisions they might regret later.
Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho! Santa, it's working.
This might be the best Christmas ever.
I know.
Look, even the Hoos are here.
Hello, Hoos! It was all going well.
They were feeling quite smug until one little Hoo tugged a curious tug.
Wait a minute.
Burt Chance is pretending to be Santa! Oh.
You can't cancel the festival, and then just show up and celebrate it! Even if you are the mayor! Since the littlest Hoo had spoiled the fun, Now Burt had to do what he knew must be done.
I'm sorry.
I'm leaving.
And as Burt took his lumps, Maybe more than his share Hey! The real mayor is back.
The town's mood was lifted by their now sober mayor.
And she's 12 steps hotter.
As the mayor swooped in to steal credit from Burt, There are only two words that our hurt Burt could blurt.
Stupid Christmas.
Hello, Natesvillians! Natesville! Oh, gosh, I would like to thank all of you For pulling together as neighbors, Especially Virginia Chance.
Without her, we wouldn't be about To enjoy the most meaningful Christmas Festival in our town's history! Where do I plug this in? Uh, Mrs.
Chance, the outlet's over there.
But just as she could taste a victory so sweet, She'd fallen short of her mark by 40 yards plus three feet.
Well, don't Don't look at me.
I mean, her husband's the one who canceled Christmas.
I didn't do it.
Since the lights were the thing that made Christmas feel real, without lights shining brightly, it lost its appeal.
With no lights and no sparkle, their Christmas felt bland, And Virginia just stood there, her cord in her hand.
Aw, Virginia You came so close.
- Merry Christmas, Burt.
- Aah! Ah.
What are you guys doing here? As former interim mayors, we know the deal, Burt.
We came to see what you saved by canceling the Christmas Festival.
The community pool.
Oh.
I saw my first boob at that pool.
Oh, that's a very special place.
Thanks, Burt.
And thank you, extra-springy diving board.
But I ruined Christmas.
It's not your fault.
Every time the mayor has a hard choice to make, She goes into rehab and leaves it to the interim mayors to take the bullet.
It's okay, Burt.
We all know how you feel.
After I canceled the school lunch program, nobody talked to me for a year.
They didn't know that I only did it to pay for new flu shots after the ones the drunk mayor bought turned out to be jell-o shots.
And I only sold the town church bell to pay the exterminator to drive the face-eating monkeys out of the town.
I never saw any face-eating monkeys.
You're welcome.
Don't worry, Burt.
Natesville is a very forgiving place.
This town will get over it.
Yeah, but I didn't get to give Virginia the gift of lighting the tree.
Now, I'll have to go back to giving her batteries.
Batteries.
Burt ran down the hill with all caution unheeded and gave to Virginia the exact gift she needed.
Virginia! Wait! Don't go! You have to open your Christmas present first.
Oh, Burt, can't we just do it at home? We have to return all these ornaments we stole.
Just open this first.
All right.
It's just what I wanted.
Ignoring the risk of electrical fire, Burt hooked up the gift he hoped would inspire.
Madam First Lady, Would you please fulfill your holiday duty? Doodie.
Oh! Her grandpa lighting those lights touched Hope's tiny heart, and a feeling for Christmas had started to start.
Christmas Christmas Hearing hope belt out her sweet Christmas sound, The grumpy Natesvillians turned right back around.
The holiday song from this sweet little shorty Reached up to the mayors, who were sharing a 40.
Christmas The spirit of Christmas erased every frown.
and the people of Natesville helped light up their town.
Christmas Christmas Yeah.
Hanukkah Oh.
Thank you.
Burt's battery plan brought lights back to the city, and the town soon forgave him for being so Snow! It's a climate change Christmas miracle.
Christmas was saved, and the lights brightly shone.
We should probably say here, don't try this at home.
Oh! Merry Christmas, mom.