Rick and Morty (2013) s04e09 Episode Script

1
What kind of parents
drag their kids away
for the entire week of spring break?
I'm missing Mike Triscuit's drug party.
Look at this. He's already watching
"Euphoria" to pregame.
Pregame. Game. Video game.
Yes, yes, drugs and video
games. Poor babies.
What you need is to level up
with a bong rip of nature.
Trust me, this is good for you.
Can someone just kill me?
Grandpa Rick, you can kill anything.
No, he can't, Summer. We're roughing it.
And that means no sci-fi bull-[BLEEP].
- Isn't that right, Rick?
- Uh-huh.
Rick, was that a sci-fi phone call?
Shut up, Jerry.
Damn it, I didn't think
she had this number.
Why are you building a Faraday
box to block out the signal?
Oh, my God, Grandpa's ghosting someone.
I'm not ghosting. Hey!
Give it back, Summer!
"Rick. Please answer me. I'm pregnant"?!
Oh, my God, Grandpa, you [BLEEP] boi.
I'm not a [BLEEP] boi, Summer!
- There's no way those kids are mine.
- Wow.
At least we know why Rick
actually came on the trip
- to avoid his [BLEEP]-guy problems.
- Why would this person lie?
I don't know, honey. She's
addicted to what the Rick did.
You know, it's
it's it's a tale as old
as my huge dynamite penis.
Can we turn the radio on?
I am not letting you abandon those kids
- like you abandoned me.
- Oh, my God!
We're going to see this
baby mama right now!
What, like, literally now?
Yes, now! That's an order.
Aah!
No!
This is exactly what
I was talking about!
Rick, I hope you realize
the tubing permit
was non-refundable!
Relax, Jerry, we'll be
in and out in a minute,
and then you can get right
back to your dumb vacation
with a family that doesn't need you.
Kind of expected someone to defend me,
but, sure, okay.
Hello, Gaia. Hold on.
Let me just adjust my
Seismic-to-English translator.
Rick. You came.
- W-Where is she?
- You're looking at her.
I-I-I-I don't understand.
Isn't it obvious, Morty?
I [BLEEP] a planet.
So, what, you just go around
knocking up planets now?
I-I-Is that what you
do when I'm at school?
I'm a scientist, Morty. I try things.
Sex with a living planet?
Big step for mankind.
Yeah, we finally broke
the deadbeat dad barrier.
- Ah, where the magic happened.
- Gross.
Hey, uh, Gaia, baby,
Big Daddy Rick is here.
What's the problem?
Children. Birth cycle. Now.
Okay, gettin' right into it.
- I am! I am!
- Jesus Christ!
- I am!
- I am!
I am!
Dad, do something! Make it stop!
You think I know how to stop this?
I thought she was gonna shit an egg.
Cool vacation, guys.
So happy I got to see the human geyser
instead of micro-dosing with my friends.
More coming. Kids. Need father.
Yeah, um, Baby Quakes,
how big is your orbit again?
I mean, not to say you
get around, but, um
Are you kidding me? Look at them!
They look just like you.
Yeah, and snakes look like dildos, Beth.
- What's your point?
- They do?
The fact is even if they were mine,
which they're not,
the best parent is evolution.
They'll probably develop harder skin
or maybe even webbed arms.
Man, that'd be cool, huh?
Flying squirrel people?
Yeah, Dad, that approach
worked out great for me.
Beth, I know it looks bad, but trust me.
This is life in the galaxy, okay?
It's totally normal.
Fine. You won't do something, I will.
Welp, there goes the surprise!
I was gonna have us
jump on the trampoline
- after we caught our first fish.
- I am!
What? You're stupid.
- I am!
- I am! I am!
- Beth, that's not gonna help.
- Uh, I hate to agree with Rick,
but shouldn't we just let this be?
We're supposed to be on vacation.
You're unemployed, Jerry!
Every day is a vacation for you.
- Okay, ouch.
- You guys do whatever you want.
I'm staying here and fixing this.
- I am!
- I am!
Goddamn it, Beth, if you're gonna do it,
at least do it right.
Gaia, baby, gonna need a
little raw iron and steam.
Whatever you need, baby.
- So much for camping.
- Nope.
We are going camping.
There's trees over there.
- We're on solid ground.
- Mom!
Summer, Morty, go camp with your father.
- Ohh, son of a bitch.
- Son of a bitch.
- I am!
- I am!
- I am!
- Welp, welcome to lack of abandonment.
Dad, can we please go back
and hang out with Grandpa's clay people?
Why? Because they might
have a Sega Dreamcast?
Why is it so hard for you
two to let nature in?
Because this sucks ass.
Camping is just being homeless
without the change.
Well, that attitude is exactly
why we're out here.
You guys wouldn't last
two seconds on your own.
You're only happy when you're penned in
and drugged up like some kind
of chicken or lemur. Hey!
I told you kids no phones!
There's not even any service.
Just Just let us be
happy for a minute.
You know, maybe if you
two stopped whining
and let your old man take the reins,
you might actually learn something.
Here. Take a bite of this tasty treat.
Oh, you think this s'more
makes you special?
What? Because someone said,
"good job," to you once
when you were 10?
That's actually really sad,
Dad. Let's be real.
You've been high-roading us non-stop,
forcing us to do nothing
in the middle of [BLEEP] nowhere
because it's the only way
you're gonna level the
playing field, isn't it?
Because if you move the bar so low,
you might actually seem like
you're worth a [BLEEP].
Huh.
I'm gonna go take a walk.
Jesus Christ, you really need
to stop hanging out with Rick.
Okay, so, if we divert
the Lawyer Pipeline here,
they should avoid the Ethics Tube
and come out spineless
enough to do their job.
Right. Wait, why are the athletes
going through the introvert sector?
Obviously so they can
bully the mathematicians
- and give us astronomers.
- God, you are such a space nerd.
I'm not a nerd. We're raising
a society here, Beth.
If we want them to be self-sufficient,
they need to get out into space.
Birth cycle. Coming.
We got you, Gai-Gai! Shoot
'em hard and up the middle!
We got an oversupply of teachers
putting a strain on the literary drive.
Activating playwright converter!
Aah!
Nice work, honey. Okay, the
therapists are getting bored.
We need to increase their
supply of incest porn.
20% wasn't enough?
What the hell is that?
The unproductives. Goddamn it!
- How are there so many of them?
- Unproductives?
Yeah, deejays, foodies, influencers.
I just re-circulate
them through until
[BLEEP] they blew a hole in the
human resources department!
- You're fired!
- Downsizing already?
I'm putting this in your file!
We gotta fix this, Dad.
We can't keep recycling them through.
I could add an online
college workaround.
Or just push them out
through a pipe in the back.
- Same thing.
- Same thing.
These kids may not be mine,
but you definitely are.
Look at you. My little
steampunk overlord.
Eeee!
I don't think he's coming back.
You know, you you really
messed him up, Summer.
Yeah, well, he called me a lemur.
Let's just go find Grandpa.
Maybe he can portal
us home or something.
- Should we leave a note?
- Dad is fine.
He's probably sucking off a tree
and having the time
of his life right now.
Guess you don't want to learn
how to skip rocks, either.
Aah!
Aaah!
Whoa! Whoa! Aah!
Aaaaaah!
Ohh!
Aaaaaah!
Gah!
Ohhhh! Aaah!
Aah!
Aah!
Aaah!
Ow! Hey!
Aah!
Aaaaah!
Aaaaaaaah!
Ohh!
Who are you guys?
We are unproductives.
Ahh, I get it.
Bunch of bull-[BLEEP].
What is that?
This? This is camping.
Camping? Ooh!
Camping!
Camping! Camping! Camping!
Good work there, TickTock.
Keep whittling. Incredible.
You've almost got smoke
over there, Florflock.
There you go, guys!
Pump those cheeks.
That's the camping spirit.
What the Squeeb!
This is not a tent.
It is a new kind of tent,
with special gutters to
funnel the rain, and a door.
It's a house!
No houses! No doors!
Once you have doors, you have indoors.
Once you have indoors,
you won't want to camp anymore.
Then why do they not camp?
Because they're bad.
Bad. Bad. Bad.
Bad. Bad. Bad.
Oh, my God. Maybe Dad was right.
Maybe we have no life skills.
I've definitely drank more
pee than I care to remember.
I'm just gonna sit down.
If I die, don't eat my ass.
That'd be weird.
Uh, Summer?
Damn, you think they got infected
by a mind slug or something?
Probably drove through a nebula
that made them see their own fears.
Whoa!
These controls.
It's just like my video
game controllers.
I just wish I could read these symbols.
This looks just like Tricia's bong.
Morty, I think these tubes might contain
all of their collective knowledge.
- Mm!
- Well?
I think we got this, bro.
Beth, you wanna do the honors?
What? Really? Wow. Okay.
-
- Here we go.
If you told me six days
ago I'd be christening
a generation ship for
my half-rock children,
I would've called you crazy.
But I guess that's the lesson
crazy things happen
when you put in the work. Salud!
[BLEEP] Doopnar! Sing something!
- Great toast, Dad.
- Thanks, sweetie.
Damn, listen to those pipes.
You sure these kids are yours?
What, you've never
heard me sing karaoke?
I'm I'm pretty good when
someone's in my register,
like the guy that sings
"Circle of Life."
Can't remember his name.
Dresses up weird.
Look at this. Everyone's happy.
They're about to go into space.
I know things haven't
always been great with us,
but we do make a pretty good team.
Uh, Rick? Can we talk?
Kinda in the middle of a
breakthrough with my daughter.
Go ahead, Dad.
Gaia deserves some time, too.
- They're your kids.
- Yes, about that.
Pam! It's good to see you, baby!
Um, Gaia? You know this guy?
Ha! You call her Gaia? So lame.
Is that God?
Rick. The kids. I messed up.
- You're not their father.
- Little ones!
Daddy's here!
I'm sending some fog down.
- Feel my presence through the fog!
- Ooh!
Beth! What the [BLEEP]. Don't touch it!
You gotta be kidding me.
God is the father?
No hard feelings, okay?
We thought they were yours, you know,
because they're so small.
Oh, wow. No hard feelings.
Y-You hear that, Beth?
Guy swoops in after we raised
his whole civilization
and tells us he forgives us.
What a [BLEEP] mooch!
Don't push me, asshole!
Rick, I think you should go.
Seriously? You really
want this pile of dry ice
to raise your kids?
Stop acting like you did a good job.
You made my kids soft and empty inside.
This city is a monument to nothing!
Where is their faith?
Reggie is right.
The children are not ready to leave.
He can give them more.
I mean, maybe we should just bail, Dad.
At least this guy is immortal
and can stick around.
Bull-[BLEEP]. They're
my kids! We're staying!
Bad! Bad!
See? Now, this is the kind
of shit I'm talking about.
- Bad! Bad!
- Jerry! Oh, my God! Is that you?
- What the hell are you doing?
- Camping.
Oh, look, Jerry finally
found his people.
All it took was a deep enough drip pan.
You labeled these
creatures "unproductive,"
but I have given them
more purpose than ever.
Oh, yeah? They filing
your unemployment forms?
His tongue is sharp,
but it cannot whittle.
The Great Roughing of It is at hand.
You will now join the One Family
on its Eternal Getaway.
Or join the embers over
which we hold marshmallows
at just the right distance.
Six inches! Until it gets golden brown!
Don't let it start on fire!
The carbon is bad for you!
What's happening?
My children, I give you my power.
Use it to take what is yours.
Oh, this mother-[BLEEP].
Raise the walls!
Walls can't stop us, Rick.
We are chosen.
Sha-boom-boom!
Sorry! Sorry!
Just trying to get the
hang of this thing.
Nice choice of chosen people, G-diddles.
I guess you'll be playing
the "mysterious ways" card
- on that one.
- You wanna go, bro?
I'll kick your ass myself.
Oh, dude, don't tempt me.
When I'm done with you,
you'll need a staff
to un-part your [BLEEP] face.
Guys. Please. Not in front of the kids.
Did you for real just try to smite me?
Siri, triangulate source of power.
Got you now, you son of a bitch.
Sweetie, you handle the hippies.
I'll handle the off-brand Yahweh.
- Kick his ass, Dad!
- Bear witness.
Now you see my true form.
The clouds were simply a shape
more appealing to Gaia's mind.
No shit. Any form is more
appealing than this.
You look like Kid Rock [BLEEP] Zeus.
Oh, seriously, you expect
me to fight you like this?
You're the size of four
Empire State Buildings.
All right, mother-[BLEEP]. Let's go.
Aaah! Aah!
Ha-ha! You like that?
- Ohh!
- Here comes some pain!
Ohh!
Ow!
Ow!
And that last one should be
the start button.
Perfect. I guess we're ready.
Let's show Mom and Dad what video games
and partying are all about.
Jesus Christ, was that the wings?
This is not like a video game!
- It's not like a video game at all!
- Oh, my God, make it stop! Make it stop!
- How do I make it stop?!
- I don't know. I'm [BLEEP] high!
Aah!
Oh, God, now I'm high, too!
- Jerry, that's enough.
- Oh, hey, babe.
You like these plagues I'm
unleashing on your asses?
No, they're lame. It's not a great sign
that your army's on the
same side as disease.
Sorry we aren't modern enough
to sort people by value
and shit the losers
through a mean butt tube!
Just admit this is about you
wanting to feel needed!
Says the woman who sold out her family
for an ounce of approval
from her drunk father!
Well, maybe he drinks
because it isn't easy
to be more powerful than God.
Well, if it's god power
that gets you going, light some candles
and put on the Billy Ocean
because Moses is home
and he's ready to burn some bush!
Sha-boom-boom!
Ohh! [BLEEP]
Ow! All right, all right, stop.
- Come on, bitch!
- Look, you win, okay?
Ju I don't care about the kids.
Smite them, raise them to [BLEEP] sheep.
Just keep the city, okay?
My daughter and I built that thing.
- It's important to her.
- No, bro. I'm a Zeus.
I can literally do anything.
Think I'm gonna hang
around and raise kids?
The only lesson they need
is right here fear.
And it looks like school's out, bitch.
I-I think you mean school's in.
What are What are you talking about?
I-If you're teaching fear,
then choking me school would be in.
Fine. School's in, bitch.
Oh.
What the [BLEEP].
Ohh! Are we dead? D-Did we die?
I don't ever want to be high again.
I-I got scared straight.
Oh, my God, I got scared straight.
[BLEEP] Dad was right.
We We think we know everything,
but maybe we're the ones who suck.
You kids are my [BLEEP] heroes!
You saved Grandpa's life!
I [BLEEP] love you so much!
- Papa!
- Papa!
We played video games and
got high! We did wrong!
- We did wrong!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, little boopas.
Come on, now. You kids,
you did real good here.
You did good.
Getting high and playing
video games is the best,
I swear to [BLEEP] God.
But Mom and Dad are gonna be mad.
No, hey, hey, look, no.
[BLEEP] your mom and dad.
Your parents are a bag of dicks.
Getting high and playing
video games is the best,
and I will never sell you out, ever.
Now, we got to get out of here
before this guy falls out of the sky.
He's generating an ionic cloud
from his own belief system.
Holy [BLEEP]. Summer,
were you smoking this?
You were basically inhaling
brake fluid. Jesus!
Mm, yeah.
It's over, Beth. Tell your
people to lower the gates
and pack their moisture-wicking shirts.
Incoming!
Jerry!
Beth! Just hold on!
I'm losing my grip!
- Jerry.
- Squeeb?
Use the s'more, Jerry.
- Ow! You stabbed my hand!
- Sorry! Sorry!
Should Should we make love?
Jerry, I love you,
but I can literally smell
your balls from here.
Oh, wow.
Ask God for a flood next time.
It'll come with a shower.
Noted.
Aw, geez, that that poor guy.
Can you maybe not tell Mom and Dad?
Relax, it's just a Zeus.
If this was the real God, it
it'd be a completely different story.
Rick! What did you do?!
I mean, gravity did most of it.
- So, you, technically.
- I told you to leave!
Yeah, well, you also asked
me to raise your kids.
Uh, not sure if you heard the
phrase, "pick a lane," but
You killed their father!
Father or not, he was a
lying piece of [BLEEP].
I don't care who else
stuffed your crust,
but I'm the guy that showed up.
But I mean, if you want,
I can still power-wash his guts
off the tower and maybe
Get oooout!
Okay, yeah, she's pissed.
I mean, you killed her
slam piece, Grandpa.
I don't blame her.
See? You put the fire stick
to the wood, and, voilà!
Campfire.
You have known about
this the whole time?
I'm not gonna waste my
time building you an ark,
but if your mom gets clingy,
you can use this to get some space.
Is that all you want to say to
your children before you leave?
Oh, yeah, uh, don't ask me for money.
I mean, Gaia's not
gonna raise those guys
to hunt us down, right?
Oh, most definitely.
I put a tracker on their ship.
I'll blow it up if they
come anywhere near me.
Well, kids, never thought I'd say this,
- but, Summer, you were right.
- Wait, what?
I thought I wanted to teach
you guys about tents,
but really, I just wanted
to feel important.
I guess sometimes teenagers do know
what they're talking
about, even if it's mean.
Right, but didn't you, like, go
into god-mode and fight Mom?
Love is the only power
that matters, Morty.
No, you had actual power,
and you did jack shit.
That was a divine staff.
You could've cured cancer
or raised the dead.
- Instead you made bugs.
- Well, I was impressed, Dad.
He saved my life, no thanks to you.
Your kids got high on alien mist
and drove the ship into
that Zeus guy's head.
- Basically murdered him.
- Grandpa!
- What the hell?!
- Come on!
What? You did. I mean,
not to cast the first stone,
but, Beth and Jerry, pretty
terrible parenting on your part.
Did you know Summer
huffed a K-Zax Array?
She basically smoked "The Ring."
Most pilots die after three days.
And Morty, the [BLEEP] moron,
he thought the ship worked
like a game controller.
What in the Disney
Channel [BLEEP] is that?
Maybe help him with homework next time.
He's clearly crying for help.
Planets Only. Planets
Only. Planets Only.
Entire systems of steamy, lush globes
and barely habitable celestial objects
are drifting through
the void just for you.
- Planets Only.
- Let's terraform.
- Or colonize me as I am.
- Planets Only.
Oops, there's a hole in my ozone.
I didn't put it there. Did you?
I can't fill it by myself.
I'm not smart enough.
Young, dumb, and orbiting the sun.
The greenhouse is in full
effect at Planets Only.
Oh, I want you to split my
Pangea into distinct continents.
I don't have hydrostatic
equilibrium yet.
Is that something you can learn?
You get the idea.
Phew!
I was watching over your
shoulder for a full minute.
So? I was watching because it's funny.
It's It's They
They They're planets,
but they're sexy.
It's a comedic premise.
- Yeah.
- Planets Only.
Planets Only.