Schitt's Creek (2015) s04e09 Episode Script

1 (Dot matrix printer whirs) Johnny: And, there she is! Hot off the presses! Alexis Rose.
Why is there a line through it? Oh, toner must be low.
This certificate reminds me of the one you were awarded for getting your braces off.
Now that was a grand day.
Yes, except my orthodontist had a slightly better printer.
I'm sorry, did David spend four months earning a degree? Alexis, we're equally proud of you, dear.
Let's see what this says, Alexis? Elmdale College, Alexis Rose, - majoring in Marketing and - (David gasps) Looks like a bit of a typo.
- Pubic relations.
- What? - No.
- Oh my god, give me that! No, honey, obviously it's a bit a of a misprint.
- Is it though, do you think? - (Alexis grunts) David, do not diminish your sister's accomplishments.
- She didn't do anything to your - (starts laughing) I wanted to frame this! - Hmm.
- (Moira laughs) - It looks good! - (David laughs) - (Frustrated grunt) (Moira laughs) Oh no (Dog barks) So you're wearing a leather sweater, in the dead of summer.
You look good.
- Thank you.
You look ready.
I am.
You know what you're gonna say? I'm gonna walk in, and I am gonna tell him that I am, ready to get back together.
Well, that's what you said you were gonna say to him two days ago, and yet, here we are.
Okay, I just wanted to make sure that I was ready, ready.
You know, for-for both of our sakes? Mm hmm.
That's a nice bracelet.
- Did you get that from Patrick? - I might have.
So you waiting a full week to forgive him has nothing to do with the fact that he showered you with gifts and attention every day.
That is purely coincidental! I was just working up the strength, to be able to put our differences aside, for the future of our relationship.
Well, I know I lot of people who are gonna be very excited that you guys have worked things out.
Well, that is very touching.
I'm glad that we have everyone's support.
Yeah, I think it's that, uh, and I think it's the fact that you've been a smidge needy this past week? - Hmm.
- Maybe needy's the wrong word.
- Hmm.
- Clingy? I see.
Well I'm glad everyone's gonna be able to sleep soundly tonight, because I am going to do this.
Good luck.
(Sighs) Thank you.
And I have missed him a lot.
And I am very excited to not, not be with him anymore.
I know.
You sure you don't wanna wait another day, though? I mean you never know what could show up on your doorstep.
I don't like what you're insinuating.
That said, if a package does arrive, please keep it safe.
Hey, can I talk to you for a sec? Oh, always.
Just not now.
Council is about to decide which bid will be awarded the first-ever district-wide Arts and Culture Grant.
I know.
Which is why I wanted to give you this.
And what, pray tell, might this collection of words be? As of today, feel free to refer to me as Alexis Rose, Founder and CEO of Alexis Rose Communications.
Alexis, that's wonderful! This is my first business proposal.
I'm throwing my hat in the ring for the Arts and Culture Grant.
Wow! Now, don't get me wrong, there is no High-Street beret that I would rather have thrown in my ring, but, I have a funny feeling Council already has its favourite.
Okay, well I wish I knew it was rigged before I worked so hard on it.
Oh, very well, Alexis, let's hear your elevator pitch.
But bear in mind, I have to get off on the next floor.
Okay, um, it's a singles night at the café.
And the goal is, um, to get people from nearby communities together, for like romance and nibblies.
And hire some staff, and dating experts, and make a whole night of it.
Darling, I realize the pickings are slim in this rural spanandry, but you can't ask Council to misuse public funds just so that you can find yourself a new boy toy.
Excuse me, this has nothing to do with the fact that I'm single.
The singles market is very lucrative.
Did you know, that there's a small town in Ireland that hosts a singles week every year, and it's become so popular, that they're able to subsidize their entirely yearly budget, just on profits? It's a valiant first effort, Alexis, it is.
But darling, do keep those wheels turning! As the Irish like to say, it's a cinch to mash the Murphy where there's love.
(Door opens and closes) Ugh! Morning.
Uh oh, looks like something showed up for you this morning.
O-Kay? Who's it from? Well, there might be a hint in the card.
(Paper rustles) Congratulations, Employee of the Month? Since when has this been a thing? Well, this is the second month.
I won it last month, took myself out for lunch.
I'm kidding.
It's a little incentive for a job well done.
Oh, I mean, wouldn't wanna be ungrateful.
(Paper rustles) Uh this seems like some makeup? It's like a briefcase full of makeup.
Yeah, only the best.
And you thought of this for me because? Because you deserve it.
I see.
Well, I'm gonna save this for a special occasion.
No, no, no, it's for everyday use.
It's what the woman in the store told me.
Thanks.
Stevie? Aren't you forgetting something? Uh, I just just don't know how to thank you.
Oh, that smile on your face is all I need.
(Jazz music plays) (Door opens, bell jingles) Hi.
Hi.
(Sighs) So, after some time alone, I just wanted to come here, and tell you, that I David, I need to apologize to you.
I was going to sleep last night and I realized I have not been respectful of your space.
All of the texts, and the gifts.
Uh, I was upset, and it was reactionary, and I thought I was doing the right thing, but really all I was doing was smothering you, when you had asked for space, and that's not right.
Okay, well smothering's a bit intense.
It was self-serving, and it was desperate, and, and I'm I'm embarrassed.
Okay, there's no need to feel embarrassed.
Well, I am.
I've just been trying to deal with everything here at the store, and I think you're right.
It's probably better if we just focus on the business, and, and not try to push anything.
I'm not sure I said that.
You didn't have to.
In fact, by saying nothing at all, you you spoke volumes.
Okay, s so you would like to focus on the store, then? I think that's probably a good idea.
But hey, it's good to have you back.
Oh.
Hmm.
Okay.
Mm hmm.
So uh Roland: Well, I'm gonna go ahead and file Ray's Ham and Clam Bake in the t'won't happen pile.
Hmm.
After a glud of unasinous ideas put forth today, the room is suddenly bombilating with anticipation.
Can we feel that? It's almost as though we're building towards some sort of inevitable climax.
All right, well, we have one here called Untitled Moira Rose Project.
I'd like us all to close our eyes, and picture 3 to 5 hundred acres of carefully-manicured lawn.
Accessorized with sculptures from some of the world's most-significant cultural contributors.
On your left, a whimsical gestalt by David Von Schlegell.
On your right, a playful abstract by Isamu Noguchi.
Dead ahead, your senses have just been affronted by a Magdalena Abakanowicz.
Now, imagine an even more splendacious art park, in your very own backyard! Council, I humbly present Rosewood.
Uh yeah, I gotta say, you're not gonna find a bigger Noguchi-head than me, but I think I speak for everyone here when I say, good luck on getting your mitts on a Von Schlegell! (Laughs) (Coughs) Am I right, guys? I think we need to be more realistic about what we can pull off.
And who's to say what we can pull off? I recently heard of a small town in Scotland, no bigger than a thimble, that is making millions from a week-long singles fest.
Now, if an idea as simple as that can work for a people as infamously disorganized as the Scotch, surely we can aspire to something of equal scale.
Now there's an idea.
Thank you! Ronnie's on board with Rosewood.
No, I'm not! I like the singles fest.
No, no, that was merely an example of how Rosewood would similarly put us on the map.
Moira, let's stuff Rosewood in a drawer for right now.
I like this singles idea.
- No.
- Single people is what this town needs! Loose wallets, loose inhibitions, everything's just really loose.
I vote for singles week.
All in favour of singles week? Aye! - Okay.
- (Bangs gavel) - (Dot matrix printer whirs) - (Door opens) (Slams) By all means, feel free to use the printer - whenever you like.
- Thank you.
Just um, receipt for business cards that I ordered.
Hmm.
And a few pages of temporary letterhead.
And um, a list of Buzzfeed's most motivational quotes for girl bosses under 30.
I'm gonna do something uncharacteristic, and ask your advice.
Is there something off about the way that I look? Did someone mention the posture thing? - What? - What is the utility shirts? No.
No, okay, um, well you should probably just go ahead and tell me what you meant then.
Yeah.
Um, so your Dad got me a suitcase of makeup.
No, no.
Hmm.
And he suggested that I wear it every day.
So, I'm having a really hard time not taking that personally.
Here's the thing you should know about my Dad, sweetest little guy, gives the worst gifts.
Okay, well that makes me feel a little better.
Like he built David a basketball court for his Bar Mitzvah.
- Oh boy, okay.
- Mm hmm.
And unfortunately, the only way to like, train it out of him, is to show him just how wrong the gift is.
Like, David forced us to watch him shoot at a basket for 10 minutes, until the ball hit the rim, and then bounced back in his face.
But it actually worked out perfectly, because all David really wanted for his Bar Mitzvah, was a nose job.
They took the court down the next day.
Huh.
Oh, and also, he gave me a diamond tennis bracelet for my Sweet 16.
- That's bad.
- I know.
(Jazz music plays) (David sighs) You know what, I'm probably good to finish this up, - Okay.
- if you wanna go for lunch.
- What? - I don't know, you tell me.
I just did.
I'm happy to finish doing the creams, I I don't think it's a two-person job.
Okay, so you're just gonna stay here and not have lunch then, or are we going in shifts? I don't know, David, I'm just trying to be professional here, okay? Think this is gonna take a minute to get used to.
I don't want to get used to this! I don't wanna pretend like we're co-workers.
We are co-workers.
Okay, I just liked it better when we were more than that.
David, I'm just trying to go off of what you wanted.
You wouldn't let me finish telling you what I wanted! I was ready to get back together days ago! - What? - Yes.
Then why didn't we? I've never been in this situation before.
Where someone's been so nice to me.
And generous.
I'm sorry, were you holding back on talking to me because you were getting gifts? I was very upset, and confused.
So upset, that I barely finished the chocolates.
David, this wasn't meant to be some Advent calendar of apologies, it was like an olive branch to get you to talk to me.
I just, I guess, didn't know, how many olive branches you were planning on extending.
- Ideally, one! - Okay, well now I know.
Yeah, and now I know, that while I was torturing myself, you were sitting at home, just opening gifts.
- I see you like the bracelet.
- Love the bracelet, thank you.
Um, does this mean that we are back ? You know what, I feel like now maybe I deserve an olive branch, or two? Okay, I understand that.
What if I gave you back some of the olive branches that you gave to me? I was lying about the chocolates, I ate them all.
But I'm sure there are some flowers that are still alive.
- You know what I'm gonna do? - Mmhmm? I'm gonna go to lunch, and you're gonna sit here, and think about what you've done.
Okay.
Okay.
(Receding footsteps thud) Um, while you're at lunch, can you get me some lunch? - Unbelievable.
- (Door closes) - Johnny: Stevie? - (Door closes) Where's my Employee of the Month? What's up? Wow! Look at you! Yeah, used some of that makeup you gave me.
- Oh, is that what it is? - Mmhmm.
Ah, I thought it was the shoes.
You know, something about this feels really right.
Hmm.
I can't believe that I didn't think to buy all this for myself! So, I'm happy to man the desk for you this afternoon, if you've got stuff to do.
Oh, no, no, I I can keep working here.
No, Mr.
Rose, I insist.
I feel like I'm long overdue for some quality, like, face time with the guests.
Oh, okay, well if that's what you feel.
You know what the great thing about this is? Right after work, I can do go a quick shift over at Bazonga's Gentleman's Lounge.
All right, I'm getting the hint.
Hint? What hint? Look, Stevie, I'm not necessarily known for my gift-giving skills, but Arlene down at the store said this is what all the young locals are buying, and I No, I really appreciate the gift, but let's just agree that going forward, we don't need gifts to express our mutual appreciation.
Understood.
Well, if you don't mind, I'm gonna step outside.
I'm getting flashbacks of David attempting a 3-pointer.
- Ooh.
- (Door opens) Moira: Alexis? Oh, there you are! (gasps) What a delightful little home office you've created for yourself.
Thank you.
Succulents, and all! You might be interested to know that Council has made a decision.
So they chose your idea, then? I wouldn't let them have it.
Not until they accepted my demand, which was to employ the services of the CEO and Founder of Alexis Rose - whatever you called it- as part of my advisory team.
- What? - Hmm.
Really? Okay, I'm shocked.
Thank you! No, Alexis, thank you! Okay, so what's the project? Hmm, well we landed on a one-of-a-kind event to celebrate and congregate those who happen to be unattached, uh, in the hopes of facilitating interpersonal connections.
Sorry, so like, a singles event, then? That word is now considered derogatory.
I believe they prefer to be called independents.
So you stole my idea, took it to Council, and claimed it as your own? Alexis, now is not the time for pettifogging! Ugh! Singles Week just happened to be the idea that received a lot of traction.
Singles Week? I was pitching a Singles Night.
No.
No, no, no, you specifically referenced a small shire in Scotland Ireland! that had a very lucrative week-long singles event.
No, that is where I got the idea for singles night.
I was proposing like, a matchmaking event at the café.
Well then, I took your little germ of an idea, and I fertilized it to fruition.
Okay, okay, I literally started my company today.
Do you know how much work this is gonna be? Okay, we will be Co-Chairs, and I will be charging Council my full fee.
Starting to get keyed up about this prospect of a mother-daughter power team.
Modern day Judy and Lorna.
I don't know who that is.
Oh my god.
(Crickets chirping) (Lock clicks) Okay, David, well I'm gonna go to dinner, and if you wanted to join me, and pay for it, that could be a start.
Yeah, maybe I could do that.
Uh, I just think I have something to do first, so What is this? Consider this my olive branch.
(Tina Turner's "Simply the Best" plays) I call you when I need you, my heart's on fire You come to me, come to me wild and wired Oh, you come to me Give me everything I need Give me a life time of promises And a world of dreams You speak the language of love Like you know what it means Mm, and it can't be wrong Take my heart and make it strong, baby You know people can see you, right? You're simply the best Better than all the rest Better than anyone Anyone I ever met Ooh I'm stuck on your heart I hang on every word you say Oh, tear us apart, no, no, no Baby, I would rather be dead Each time you leave me I start losing control You're walking away with my heart and my soul I can feel you even when I'm alone Oh, baby, don't let go