Scrubs s04e09 Episode Script

Hey, J.
D.
Just prepping Mr Hovey for brain surgery.
Mr Hovey's having rotator cuff surgery.
What'd you do to my hair? - Nothing.
- Cool half-fro.
- What? - Uh-oh! Oh, thank God.
Good thing he couldn't go left.
Last thing you need is someone flyin' off the handle.
Shore it up.
Neena Broderick's in the building.
We're all going to die! As tactless as it was to yell that in a room full of very sick people Ted had a point.
Neena Broderick is the scariest malpractice attorney in the city.
She seemed to create problems where there were none.
Grandma was 102.
It was her time to go.
You killed her, and you're gonna pay for it! Shape this place up and for God's sakes, get Murphy outta here.
- Don't worry.
You're a good doctor.
- I know.
Hey, what did I do? Hurry! Hey, guys.
Guys? How long do I have to stay up here? Just until I finish pretending to read the newspaper.
Apparently there was some sort of election held recently.
Or we could just ask him to leave.
Come on, Doug.
Let's go get some coffee.
- Miss Broderick.
- Bob.
Oh, hi, Ted.
How's your wife doing? Oh, that's right.
I forgot.
You freeze up around me.
OK.
Well, I'll see you in court on the 18th.
Ted's possum-like defence mechanism was brilliant.
Hello, Neena.
We got divorced, actually.
I'll see you in court on the 18th! Everybody had the sense to stay under the radar when Neena Broderick was around.
Well, almost everybody.
I'm on a scavenger hunt and I need to find a black-haired, soulless bottom feeder.
- Oh.
Hi, Neena.
- How ironic.
What I need is a burned-out, permed-up doctor with a God complex and drinking problem.
Don't listen.
Most guys would kill for those curls.
Straighten up, Newbie.
I mean that in every sense of the word.
- This woman is pure molten evil.
- Got it.
How do you look at yourself in the mirror knowing you are ruining American medicine? Frivolous lawsuits scare prospective Don't you even feel the least bit If you want me to shed a tear about the status of our medical system I'll borrow a scalpel and dig it into my arm because here's a secret I don't care about anything you think.
J.
D.
, big news.
Guess what my new cell phone number spells.
Why'd you get a new number? Your old one spelled "kfnmpah.
" Well, this one's 9-1-6 "Call Turk.
" Now all you gotta do is call Turk.
How am I supposed to remember that? Stick with "kfnmpah.
" It's the best thing that's happened besides getting married.
- She's not here.
- The best thing that's happened! "Call Turk" is eight numbers.
Actually, it's just "call Tur.
" But I'm hoping people will dial the "k" anyway.
I'll always dial the "k" for you.
You're a good friend, and that's why I did this for you.
No, wait.
There's more.
Awesome.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's not over yet.
So you're the one.
Come here, you big brown bear.
Just like that, it turned into a great day.
- I'll take the lead on this one.
- He's all yours.
- Mr Steel, first name "man of.
" - You're done.
Mr Steel, you passed out.
We're gonna watch you closely for arrhythmia.
We don't foresee any big problems.
Hi, Daddy.
I gotta go.
If I'm around that sea hag for more than ten seconds my throat closes up.
Page me if you need me.
Need you? Perry, please, I got this one.
Are you Dr Dorian? She was all over me.
I have a few questions about my father.
Your father has syncopy in Per.
I'm back in.
You see, Neena the heart is like a big, inflatable house.
On the bottom floor are these two rooms or ventricles.
Now, these ventricles or "rooms " Syncopy in severe LV systolic dysfunction is a risk of arrhythmia.
Best action'd be an implantable defibrillator.
I'm a medical malpractice attorney, and I am much much smarter than you.
They're like rooms.
OK, missy, knowing damn sure that you'll sue us if the slightest thing should go wrong with this elective procedure we're gonna go ahead and elect not to do it.
- You can't do that.
- Really? Bob! Hospitals can refuse treatment on a non-emergency patient.
Here's a list of places we can refer you to.
Thanks for playing.
Give that a good look.
Like I said Rooms.
What kind of person would do something like this? That's a very unfortunate hand placement for you.
This is a very common hand size.
Gotta go.
Kelso wants me to keep hiding Doug until that attorney leaves.
Elliot, the man tried to electrocute me an hour ago.
All I care about is whether or not this twitch goes away.
You should take Doug to the morgue.
The worst he could do there is bring somebody back to life.
Carla, when I became chief resident, I wrote a pledge to myself.
And you know what it said? It said, "Dance like nobody is watching.
" Which I do, in my living room with the shades closed in case somebody is watching.
But it also said not to hide problems away.
I'm not gonna go and hide Doug down in the morgue.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to give this to someone or if I took this from someone, but I got a bag of blood.
So, Doug, this is the morgue.
That's cute, the little toe tag.
Like a present.
Mr Korman, a nurse said this was a full-on emergency.
I just came from the courts.
It's been six weeks since you did my shoulder surgery and my serve still has no pop.
No zip, I tell ya.
You have to understand that this is a healing process.
Who invited Nurse Twitchy? OK, Mr Korman, for the - How many visits is this? - Twenty-seven.
For the 27th time, I'm gonna ask you to do your therapy and just be patient.
I have a singles match against my mother on Monday.
I lose to her, I lose my pride.
I'm assuming these are complimentary.
Dr Dorian.
OK, just stay calm.
You can handle this.
She can't be that much of a ball-buster.
Oh, God! - Dr Dorian? - I'm wearing a cup.
Thanks for the crotch update.
Look.
I'm just worried about my dad.
That's when I saw her for what she really was: Just a patient's scared daughter.
Can somebody please talk to me? Elliot, I know everyone thinks I'm this huge screw-up.
But I just want you to know that I'm gonna turn it around.
Doug, this is a quarantined area! It's OK, Doug.
You probably just didn't see the signs.
Signs? Oh, man, I'm hopeless.
Come on, Doug.
Yeah.
Hey, sorry again, guys.
My bad.
Get outta here! Get out! Oh, my God! What an idiot! - Hey, calm down.
- You calm down.
Oh, yeah? I thought we could head over to my tennis club.
I'll show you what's going on with my serve.
Can you hop a tall fence? I'm behind on my dues.
A black guy breaking into a country club.
- Nothing bad could happen there.
- Yeah.
I'll go practise.
I'll tell you how it went.
Give me your cell number.
All right, that's it.
Look, Mr Korman I will see you whenever I have office hours.
I will not see you outside of this hospital and there's no way I'd ever give you my cell phone number no matter how awesome or perfect it may be.
Are we clear on that? Yes, doctor.
Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't put up with that.
I'm listening.
I tell ya, sittin' here watching you play with your food makes you seem much less horrifying.
Oh, I know how I come off.
You know, but I have to put that act on for my job.
It's kind of like how you act all nerdy and spastic to seem more accessible to your patients.
I'm glad you got that.
You're sweet.
My God, is she flirting with me? Oh, my God.
Am I flirting with you? Oh, my God.
Is she psychic? You must think I'm a mess.
I don't know how.
Come on, it's easy.
I'll tell you what.
Take some cupcake frosting and just lick it off your finger.
You mean Like this? I think that was mashed potatoes.
Wait, is she into me? Quick, make a bad joke and see if she laughs.
Hear the one about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party? He had no body to go with.
That's really funny.
Well, that's not a fair test.
That joke's hilarious.
Still, right then, I decided something.
I know you hate everything about Miss Broderick.
Her father's in need of medical care.
It's our moral obligation to treat him whether his daughter's a murderer, drug addict or terrorist.
- I know.
But a lawyer? - Even a lawyer.
That's what we do.
Who taught you this crap? It's nice to have the right answer to a tough question.
- You did.
- Oh.
It's definitely better than having no answer at all.
Elliot, do you think I should even be a doctor? Not at dinner.
Baby, if you call Turk, you get Turk.
You got Turk.
If you do answer, be prepared for the worst.
- Hi.
Do you have a sec? - Who gave you this number? He did.
I'm not gonna lie, Newbie.
You really impressed me by parroting my ethical speech.
What the hell got into you? As for me, I didn't have to say anything and he knew.
Oh, Priscilla, you are so busted.
Damn it.
He sees like a hawk.
So she just bats her eyes, and you change your tune? Who in the hell am I kidding? Of course you fell for her act.
You're the loneliest guy in this hospital.
Oh, no.
He's not the loneliest guy.
That's the loneliest guy.
Watch this.
Excuse me.
Neena played you like the proud owner of the world's longest dry streak.
Can I ask you a personal question? Exactly how long has it been since you've swiped the stuffed animals off your bed thrown your ankles up, and thanked whatever God you pray to you didn't have on your granny panties? For your information, there's a certain foxy nurse that requested my services at her apartment just last weekend.
Hold on.
I'm almost there.
OK, your new bed's all in.
What now? You leave.
I still don't understand why he couldn't do it.
Even if I am a little desperate, Neena was not playing me.
- I was playing you.
- You're saying that because he's here.
- No, I manipulated you.
- You're saying that because he's here.
We seem to be in a bit of a loop, so I'll step over and talk to this one.
Are you gonna do the procedure on my father or not? I'm gonna go ahead and leave this decision up to the lonely guy.
What are you doing here? Hiding from Doug.
He asked me a question I haven't answered yet.
You? Trying to make a dramatic exit.
Thought this was a patient's room.
Right.
What are they doing here? This is a hospital.
He should have his shirt on.
- Yeah.
- Dynamite areolas, though.
Hey, night school.
- Mr Korman followed us home last night.
- How'd you get my number? Once you've got somebody's driver's licence and urine sample, you can get about anything.
How do you flunk eighth grade gym? You'd better stop messing with my husband.
Tell him to stop messin' with my walls! You did this? Baby, you know you're my world.
I'm out.
I flunked gym, too.
Didn't like the shorts.
By the way, your number isn't "call Turk.
" It's "call Tur.
" It'd be easier if your name was Cal Turk.
There's nobody named Cal Turk.
Cal Turk here.
We don't sell insurance.
We sell peace of mind.
But only to white people.
Would you like some milk? Carla, have you seen Miss Broderick? Maybe you should ask Ted.
So she's nearby.
Your father's gonna be just fine.
The place is top-notch.
I practically live here.
- Are you a doctor? - Massive hypochondriac.
If you'll excuse me, I have to go harass a surgeon.
If you've come to tell me your decision about my father, say it and leave.
I've seen the real you.
You can't even flirt.
Really? - Why are you doing this? - I love my dad.
I'd do anything.
I think you're sweet.
- How can I believe that? - Can't.
I already lied to you.
The trust's broken, though I'd never lie again.
- Really? - Who knows? Do whatever you think is right, regardless of how I feel about you.
If it helps, I'm not the least bit interested.
Like that matters.
I'm not that lonely.
When faced with a decision, sometimes you need to be alone with your thoughts.
Of course, in a hospital, that's a problem.
See, around here, places to be alone are hard to come by.
How do I decide if we should do the procedure or not? How do I tell someone he shouldn't be a doctor? How do I get my patient to stop stalking me? How do I get these people to realise that just because I'm in a coma doesn't mean I can't hear them? I'm hungry.
You got two options.
You can go hard-core on Mr Korman slap a restraining order and switch him to another doctor.
The guy's a pain in the ass, but I can't do that to him.
Re-establish your boundaries and wean him off the home visits.
'Course you'll have to change your number.
Mr Korman, I've filed a restraining order which means if you come to my house, call my cell phone Excuse me.
I know what a restraining order is.
You act like I've never dated.
Good-bye, Mr Korman.
Turk's incredible selfishness in sacrificing a patient to keep his cell phone number motivated Elliot and I to do the right thing.
- Do the procedure.
- OK.
Even if the right thing is really hard.
Doug, I'm sorry, but I don't think you're cut out for being a doctor.
Wow.
I cannot figure out how this guy died.
I'm betting he took a paracentesis needle to the aorta.
Have you seen this before? Seen it? Upstairs, they call that a "Doug.
" You got any others you can't figure out? Doctor-prescribed overdosage of fentanyl.
Dissected left main during a cardiac catheterisation.
We look under Mr Pancreas, and there it is.
- He's the best I've ever seen.
- Mind if we steal him from you? - I can live with it.
Well My work here is done.
I'll get those.
So, my dad's gonna be OK? - He's great.
- Thank you.
I hope I didn't ruffle your feathers too much while I was here.
Sweetheart, I find it amusing that you think you're so much as a blip on my radar.
You ought to jot this down in your little lawyer notebook: Nothing you could possibly do could ever, ever get to me.
I should probably thank him, too.
Oh, my God.
I'm gagging and vomiting at the same time.
I'm I'm gavomiting.
You know, if you really want to piss him off we should follow him to his office and have sex right in front of him.
That would never work.
I couldn't perform.
It's a mentor thing.
OK.
Thank you.
OK, I'm confused.
I thought you weren't interested in me.
Maybe I just said that to make it easier for you.
Or maybe I said it 'cause I knew you'd do what I wanted you to.
I'm not sure yet.
As I stood there confused but enjoying Neena's very long kiss with just the right amount of tongue I thought about when you make tough decisions, good things can happen.
Like the confidence you gain from finding your true calling.
Nelson, got some of your handiwork down in the morgue today.
You operating with a blindfold on or what? When you make decisions for the wrong reasons, they can bite you in the ass.
Ten feet, Mr Korman! No problem.
I'm suing you.
Dude, Mr Korman is suing me and that ice princess is his attorney! When did he get a chance to meet her? What am I gonna do? Call Turk as soon as you get this.
Are you coming in or what? In the end, it's always best to rely on your principles to make decisions.
Hell, yeah.
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