Spin City s04e09 Episode Script

Wait a minute.
It's 10:00 and there's 9 doughnuts left.
Where the hell is Paul? Ever since he won the million dollars, he's having trouble sleeping.
That's because it's stuffed in his mattress.
Good morning! Morning, Paul.
You're late again.
Am I late, Mike? Or am I Right on time? No, you're late.
And, uh, thanks for the free beta rental.
What's it like to be rich? You know, it's funny.
On the way in, I was asked the same thing by my chauffeur.
They're called "bus drivers," Paul.
[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS.]
Okay, first of all, congratulations are in order to James, who's the only New York city hall employee to finish the marathon.
What was your time? I'd like to remind everyone the mayor's expecting you to join him on Thursday at his Connecticut estate for Thanksgiving dinner.
And, Stuart, this year, no giggling at the words breast meat, stuffing wishbone, candied yam, and for some reason, gravy boat.
[GIGGLING.]
Stop it.
And to make this fun, we'll all bring a different dish.
I'll bring my famous Turkey! Then I'll bring my famous stomach pump! When Nikki and I were dating, she used to cook great meals for me all the time.
I got some of that tuna casserole you love in the fridge.
Anyway Gravy boat.
[GIGGLES.]
So, Paul, I saw you on "millionaire.
" Spend any of your winnings yet? As a matter of fact, I have.
Oh.
New suit? No, but I've had it professionally dry-cleaned.
Nice.
Thank you.
We'll see you all Thursday.
Thursday, it is.
All right.
You all saw.
She smells the money.
She wants a piece of Paulie pie.
Paul, you're married! I can't help it.
She's undressing me with her eyes.
Well, she sure left in a hurry.
She must've got to the underwear.
[GRUNTS.]
[SIGHS.]
Sir, I wanted to talk to you about whoa! Mike.
Mike, come over here.
Look at this paper.
[STRAINED.]
Yeah, I can see that from here, sir.
Senator grady is retiring.
I'm running for his office.
He still hasn't given me his endorsement.
Here, look.
Uh Yeah, sir.
That's just an outrage.
You know what you should do? You should put your shoes and socks back on, go down to his office, and demand an endorsement.
We could really use it.
I can't talk to that man, Mike.
How about just putting your shoes back on? I'm a man of principle, and what grady did was unforgivable.
It embodies everything that is wrong with our political system.
Sir, he stole your chair.
We were at the white house at some dinner.
I went to the bar, and when I came back, grady was in my chair, sitting, talking to Bob dole.
And the next thing you know, he's senator and my political career is down the crapper! Sir, you're the mayor of New York.
Don't remind me.
My whole career, this man has been upstaging me.
I build a road, he builds a highway.
I take up jogging, he wins the nobel peace prize.
You know what they say, sir life gives you lemons Put your shoes back on.
Uh, excuse me.
I was told senator grady was here tonight.
Mike What are you doing here? I run the campaign.
I'll handle the grady endorsement.
No, I'm not here for that.
No, I just came here to pick up sailors.
Look, this guy is old school, okay? He's not gonna respond well to a woman.
Just let me handle it.
No! All right, Caitlin.
I didn't want to have to play this card, but there's a very good reason that I need to speak to senator grady alone.
Why? He's my biological father.
Mike! He's carrying a bomb.
I'm gonna talk to him, and have his endorsement in 30 seconds.
Senator grady? Could you send this back? Oh, I'm not a waitress.
I work for Randall Winston.
How about that.
It just needs a couple more minutes.
Oh.
I can't eat meat this red either.
Like I always say, "rare is for coins.
" I'll take this back to the kitchen.
Mike, I could use a little help here.
I'd say about three more minutes on an open flame.
Watch and learn.
Excuse me, senator grady.
Leave me alone.
You don't understand.
I'm Mike Flaherty.
Oh.
Well, in that case, leave me alone, Mike Flaherty.
No, I you see, Caitlin and I work together down at city hall.
You know, back in the '70s, my wife, rose, and I worked together down in city hall.
Oh, I heard about your wife's passing.
Me too.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorrier.
Look at you two squabbling, just like rose and me.
It warms my heart to see young people in love.
Uh! We're not in love.
Oh.
You're not? No We're crazy in love.
I can't help it.
I am just nuts about this Little woman.
I feel the same way.
Whoa! Nails, nails, nails! Thanks for last night.
Thanks for this morning.
Thanks for the elevator.
Thanks for the hallway.
Thanks for the janitor's closet.
Thank the janitor, 'cause I peeled off at the bathroom.
Oops.
[LAUGHING.]
[SIGHS.]
Heh heh.
How can you date that woman? She's a sex-crazed idiot.
Asked And answered.
What do you talk about when you're not having sex? It hasn't really come up.
Stuart forgot his lunch.
Uh-oh.
I'm gonna miss "Jerry springer.
" That man is a genius.
I'm just curious.
Is there anyone who you find dim? Whom.
Excuse me? You improperly used the pronoun "who" instead of "whom," which makes you a person whom I find dim.
Ironic, n'est-ce pas? Caitlin, listen, about Thanksgiving, I think I should bring the Turkey.
My grandmother taught me everything she knows.
But Nikki had her heart set on bringing it.
I thought of a way of breaking it to her where she's not gonna be insulted.
Hey, Nik, have you gained weight? What? Oh.
I'm sorry.
Maybe your new haircut makes you look a little fat.
What?! I'm bringing the Turkey, not you.
Whatever, jerk! Mike Hi, honey.
How was your day? That's not funny.
We never laugh anymore.
What happened to us? I had everything under control last night.
Yeah, word around the kitchen is you're up for head waiter.
Senator grady obviously sees you and me as a younger version of rose and him.
So we're gonna get the endorsement.
We only have to pretend we like each other for one meal.
One meal.
I don't think I can do it.
So I broke down and I called grady.
He's gonna be joining us for our Thanksgiving weekend.
We're all gonna be shacking up together in the country.
An entire weekend? Your mother will look after the kids.
I'll tell you one thing, this is one situation where that man is not going to be able to one-up me.
I have an exciting senate campaign to talk about.
What's happened to him lately? Ha! Actually, sir, his wife just died.
I cannot catch a break! Oh, Caitlin, Michael.
Did you have trouble finding the place? No, sir.
Your directions were right on the money.
It somewhere in Connecticut.
So, is the guest of honor here yet? You mean senator spotlight-grabbing, chair-stealing bastard? You know, he prefers Joe.
Well, if it isn't the happy couple.
It isn't.
We will be as soon as the senator gets here.
Don't touch me.
Sounds like a couple.
And remember, don't anybody tell Paul about this, okay? He's got a big mouth.
Who has a big mouth? Tell me.
I want to know.
I want to tell other people.
Paul, where's Claudia? Ah, she's with her mother.
Why? Why do you ask, Caitlin? I was curious.
I'll bet you were.
Hey, janelle Give you 5 bucks if you go to the bus stop and get my bag.
I'll give you 10 if you go and bring it in yourself between your bony knees.
It's a deal! Ah, there's my favorite couple.
Senator grady, glad you could make it.
Here, have a seat.
He took my chair again.
Let it go, sir.
Remember, he just lost his wife of 30 years.
That helps a little.
So, how are you, senator grady? It's my first Thanksgiving without rose.
Hundreds of seemingly insignificant things trigger waves of grief that stab at my blackened heart like daggers.
So, like, medium? Sorry we're late.
We stopped at an antique shop to copulate.
That means "have sex.
" I know what it means.
And unlike you, I didn't learn about it from my word-a-day vibrator.
He's just upset because I'm smarter than he is.
No, you are not.
Care to prove that with a friendly game of strip chess? Uh, honey, we have a house full of rooms to christen, and we were gonna play dirty clue.
I have a feeling the culprit is gonna be major Johnson in the library with the handcuffs.
[LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
Whoo! I have nothing to prove here.
If it makes you feel better, by all means, believe you're smarter than me.
Smarter than i.
I'll see you on the chessboard.
James, what's that? The Turkey.
It's farm-fresh.
James, it's farm breathing.
He's adorable.
I named him sparky.
Come on.
Let's wring that sexy neck.
Wait! How can you do that? The key is to get a firm grip on the beak.
You can really work up some torque.
Come on! Michael, Caitlin was just telling me how you two met.
Oh, right.
Well, I'll never forget that.
Rose and I could never agree on how we met.
I bet you have two completely different stories, too.
Come on, Mike.
Tell me yours.
Oh, well, uh, uh yeah, well, we met, uh, in, uh Cassis, France.
No help.
It was.
It was in cassis, as unnecessarily hard to believe as that may sound.
Uh, I was vacationing.
She said you were there for your grandmother's funeral.
Yeah, it was a package deal, you know? Six days Seven nights One funeral.
So, there I was.
I'm on the beach, and I'm in my black speedo, out of respect for Nana, when Caitlin goes goes parasailing by.
She said you met in an emergency room.
Yeah, see, that's where we went after she slammed into the hotel.
Hard to believe, two years later, here we are.
She said you met six weeks ago.
See? Well, there you go.
Two completely different stories.
Still playing strip chess? Where you been? The pantry.
And that's the last room I do alone.
You walked right into my trap.
Your pawn is now mine.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Finally.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Start with a shoe.
Foot fetish.
I like it.
Where were we? Oh, that's right.
Checkmate.
Oh, my God! Nude up, dum-dum.
You may be smarter than me But I'm bigger.
Come on! [TURKEY GOBBLING.]
You wanna bring it on?! I'm gonna like this.
Okay, run, run! Be free! Be free! Carpe diem, you stupid bird.
Oh, he's not stupid.
He just knows he'll freeze to death out there.
What we need to do is we need to find him a hiding place and just keep him there until Spring.
Oh, my God.
He's coming.
He's coming.
Uh, uh, okay! Sparky, this way! Come on, sparky! You guys know where sparky is? Haven't seen him.
Me either.
Hello.
If you do see him, be careful.
When turkeys get cornered, they freak out.
They start pecking at anything that moves.
Sorry, sparks, you're on your own.
Oh, senator, here, have a seat.
Thank you, Randall.
He took my chair again.
Sir, you gotta ask yourself what's more important being a senator for six years or sitting in that chair for one hour.
You're right, Mike.
Okay, Buster [WHISTLES.]
scoot.
Paul, you have some crumbs on your sleeve.
Thank you.
Help me out.
She's all over me.
I'm startin' to weaken.
Paul, just think of your wife.
I am, but she doesn't look anything like that! JAMES: Chow time! NIKKI: Ohh! I watched sparky run and play.
I don't think I can bear to see him on that serving dish.
Actually, I have a little confession to make.
Growing up on a farm slaughtering animals never bothered me before, but maybe it was something you said, Nikki, maybe it was the glint in sparky's eyes.
Anyway, the bottom line is we're having tuna casserole for dinner, okay? James, that is so sweet.
I'm kidding! Dig in! I just want to make sure our stories are consistent.
You never know what he's gonna ask.
What? Like, uh, what first attracted you to me? Can we start with an easier one? Like when do we plan to get married? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We've been in this fake relationship a few days.
You're already fake smothering me.
Fine.
Then when did we first have sex? First date.
We did not! I wait until the third date.
Not with me, you didn't.
Here he comes! We're on.
You know, Caitlin, this pie is the same color as that sweater you got for your birthday last August 4th from your aunt Ida, age 62.
You are right, Michael Patrick Flaherty.
And didn't I wear it to your favorite movie, "Chinatown"? Bet your size 6 1/2 shoes.
That was our first date.
We had sex that night.
Yes, Mike, who could forget those three fantastic minutes? You guys are just too cute.
And we're deeply, deeply in love.
So, how about that endorsement? Who could say no to such an adorable couple? Couple? They're not a couple.
Paul, they're puttin' the pies out.
She's just cozyin' up to Mike to make me jealous.
Uh, Paul, we really a a couple.
Caitlin I'm flattered But I'm also married.
We can never be an us.
No, no, no.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Don't betray the moment with words.
Shh.
Shh.
What does he mean you aren't a couple? Are you two faking? Faking? Of course not.
How could you fake passion like this? Whoa, was that an earthquake? Cait cait oh, there you are.
Listen, we can still turn this thing around.
Mike, he's in the room next door packing.
It's over.
No.
No.
It's not over.
There must be something we can do.
[SQUEAKING.]
We can have sex.
How's that gonna help? Wait a minute.
Let me rephrase the question.
Yeah.
No, I mean, fake sex.
He's in the room next door, so all we have to do is make it [SQUEAKING.]
sound real.
He'll believe us, we'll get the endorsement.
That's good thinking.
He's gonna leave.
Now, come on.
[UNENTHUSIASTICALLY.]
Oh, Mike.
Oh, Mike.
I'm better than that.
Oh, Mike! Oh, Mike! There you go.
Oh, Caitlin.
Oh, Caitlin! Oh, Mike.
Oh, Mike.
It feels so good.
Yeah, you like that, huh?! Yes! Yes! Don't stop! Oh, I won't, officer! What? Nothin'.
Oh, Caitlin! Oh, Caitlin! Oh, Mike! Oh, Mike! Who's your deputy mayor? Yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! [SIGHS.]
So, you two aren't a couple.
No, and we feel terrible.
Please accept our apologies.
Why did you come in here anyway, senator? Well, rose and I used to Swing.
This may not have turned out the way we wanted, but, uh, you gotta admit, it was pretty amazing.
Mike, I was faking.
Sure you were.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
[DOOR SLAMS.]
He-e-e-e-e-re's jamesy.
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(BARKING)