The Boondocks s04e09 Episode Script

__ Open 20.
[Machine hisses.]
Mr.
Stinkmeaner, do you understand what I've just told you? I'm a clone! Yes, created at this secret and highly illegal underground human cloning facility.
Why am I so old?! Eh, what? If you cloned me when you say you did, shouldn't I still be a little kid?! The man who you are a clone of is Colonel H.
Stinkmeaner.
He answered our volunteer recruitment ad on Blackpeoplemeet.
A few days later, he died in a street fight.
Fuck him! He dead! I'm alive! Motherfucker! He left you those clothes, that cane, and the glasses.
He asked that if the cloning was successful, we relay this message.
"Dear me, please go fuck with Robert J.
Freeman.
Warm regards, nigga.
O.
G.
Stinkmeaner.
" By the way, you're not exactly the same as the original.
There were some enhancements.
Hey, kids, welcome to the nigga moment reboot! This is where we're gonna do some shit we already did and just pretend you didn't see that shit the first time! [Laughter.]
That's right, nigga! We don't respect your intelligence! [Laughter.]
Hey, and welcome to "Cooking with Stink!" - [Cheers and applause.]
- We're whipping up a nigga moment today, and here's what you'll need to make one at home! First, you'll need two black men, age 5 to 122.
You can find these pretty much everywhere! I've got two right here! - [Cheers and applause.]
- Then add one minor incident.
Could be an errant look, incidental contact.
I prefer the classic shoe step myself.
[Audience shouts.]
After that you just need The movie "Scarface," which teaches irrational thinking.
Don't forget to stir in the crack! [Laughter.]
And mwah! Voil? Delicioso! - [Cheers and applause.]
- The best thing about nigga moments is, they never stop! Every day for niggas is like "groundhog day"! - Granddad: [Gasps.]
- Yeah, nigga! I hit your car just 'cause I wanted to! [Laughs evilly.]
I didn't even want to park in that space! I just wanted to fuck your car up and then wait here to tell you I did it! - What you gonna do?! - Granddad: No! - Two old dudes about to fight! - Granddad: It can't be! [Spectators ooh.]
- Stinkmeaner?! - Close, nigga! It's the clone of Stinkmeaner, nigga, and I've been waiting here to tell you, you's a bitch-ass, faggot-ass, punk-ass, pussy-ass, bitch-ass nigga! [Spectators murmur.]
Granddad: You know what? I'm sick of this shit.
You came back to life again? Fine, I'll kill your punk ass one more time! Well, let's go, nigga! Come see what this blind, old man got for your ass! Granddad: [Grunts.]
[Spectators murmuring.]
Ohh! Unh! Oh, yeah! You wasn't expecting all that was you, nigga?! It's a black nigga samurai! Ha! Granddad: [Grunts.]
[Shouting indistinctly.]
Granddad: Agh! - [Both grunting.]
- [Laughs evilly.]
- Granddad: Agh! - [Laughs evilly.]
Yeah! [Shouting indistinctly.]
Granddad: What's wrong with y'all?! Somebody help me! [Siren wailing, tires screech.]
The police! Thank God for the police! [Footsteps approaching.]
The good news for you is, he's not pressing any charges.
Granddad: He's not pressing charges?! He attacked me! I want to press charges! There were at least 53 recordings of the incident, Mr.
Freeman.
In all of them, you attack him first.
Granddad: But I had to! He's a psychopath! - I killed him, and - Go on.
Granddad: I mean, not him, but it's hard to explain.
That man is going to attack me again! I don't mean to offend you or make you uncomfortable, but, oh, - do you know what a nigga moment is? - Of course.
Thank God for them, or I wouldn't have a job.
But an n-word moment, as you put it, does not excuse you from obeying the law.
So if this is an n-word moment, Mr.
Freeman, my advice is, do not be an n-word.
Granddad: Oh, hi, guys.
What are you doing up? I, uh, got into a little fender bender.
I'm okay just a little, uh Riley: [Laughs.]
Granddad, you got your ass beat again! I mean, anybody can lose once or twice, but granddad stay losing! Granddad: What?! You know what happened?! Riley: Do we know what happened?! Everybody knows what happened! I caught the last half of it on the live stream! Granddad: Oh, no! Why me?! Why?! Huey: I don't understand.
How does he keep coming back? Granddad: He said he was a clone.
Huey: A clone?! Granddad: I know! When did they start cloning people?! I watch the news! Brian Williams never said nothing about no human cloning! Riley: Man, one of your fights got a total of seven million views so far! Ooh, we should start a business of just letting you get your ass beat, granddad.
I mean, niggas get beat up all the time, but people really get off seeing you get your ass beat! - Granddad: [Growls.]
- [Doorbell rings.]
Ruckus: Robert Freeman, you're the only person I know can get his ass whupped by a nigga he already killed a dozen times before! I mean, by nature, niggas lose.
They losers.
They natural-born losers, but you like some kind of heptathlete of losing.
Granddad: Not now, Ruckus! Not now! Ruckus: Well, I'd actually lower my voice, seeing as how you just got your ass whupped! [Laughs.]
Completely embarrassing! Oh, I can't see how a man could achieve a quality erection after getting beaten that bad.
Granddad: Then there's only one thing I can do.
I have to train.
I have to become a master warrior so I can defeat my enemy in a rematch, preferably on video so I can post it online and salvage my dignity! Riley: Ooh, that sounds like an awesome plan that can't go wrong, granddad! Millions of people would tune in just to see you die! Huey: Granddad, isn't that exactly what we did the first time this happened? Granddad: Yeah.
Huey: And you ended up killing him.
Granddad: Yeah.
See? The plan worked.
I did it once.
I can do it again because I believe in myself.
- Huey: No, granddad, my point is - Granddad: Less talk, more training! Let's go! Huey: The more you fight, the more he fights.
It's your ego, granddad.
You're the problem.
Granddad: I'm rising to the challenge, redeeming my honor! Huey: That's a nice way to say you want payback.
What's the opposite of a nigga? - Granddad: I don't know.
- Huey: Think about it.
- Granddad: Mr.
Rogers? - Huey: Perfect.
Can you imagine Mr.
Rogers in a nigga moment? [Both laughing.]
Granddad: Of course not! Huey: So to end a nigga moment, you have to be Mr.
Rogers, and what would Mr.
Rogers do? He would follow normal white-people rules.
So if Stinkmeaner confronted Mr.
Rogers in a parking lot Granddad: Oh, yeah, he wouldn't fight.
He would walk away and call the police.
Huey: And if he keeps coming back? Granddad: File a complaint, get a restraining order.
Eventually, they would put Stinkmeaner in jail.
Riley: But then he has to snitch, and then I got to live with that shame! Granddad: Yes, dumb idea, Huey.
Stinkmeaner get away with beating me in front of everyone! I never get redemption! Huey: But it ends.
Granddad: You're saying that I should just let him get away with beating me in front of the whole world?! Huey: If you want this to finally end, yes.
Granddad: No, I can't do that.
I got pride.
I'm strong.
No woman wants a man who files a restraining order in the face of danger.
I want an erection! Huey: How many times in life do you get a second chance, granddad? A chance to fix your biggest mistake? Granddad: Fine! I'll find someone else to make me a master swordsman.
Riley, look up "master swordsman.
" Private lessons.
You know I don't like a lot of people around me when I'm sweating, oh, and not too expensive.
Uh, we're broke.
[Ringtone playing.]
Oh, somebody's calling me on Skype! Nobody ever calls me on Skype! [Laughs evilly.]
What's good, nigga?! Bet you weren't expecting this face! I'm surprised you can still see after what I did to ya, you bitch-ass, faggot ass, bitch-ass faggot! Granddad: Damn it, how'd you figure out how to call me on Skype?! I don't even know how to use this shit.
Hey, nigga, I just wanted to let you know that if you not too much of a pussy-ass nigga, you can meet me tomorrow in the parking lot for a rematch! Oh, and I put the word out to the whole world, so if you don't show, well, you know what that means.
[Laughs.]
You's a bitch-ass nigga! Bitch-ass.
You's a bitch-ass nigga! Yeah, rock with me, Robert! Come on! Granddad: Something's wrong.
That cave I feel cold.
That place it is strong with the dark side.
Mm, a domain of evil, it is.
In you must go.
Granddad: What's in there? Only what you take with you.
Your weapons you will not need them.
Granddad: Yeah, whatever.
[Creatures chirping.]
[Grunts.]
- [Breathing heavily.]
- Granddad: [Gasps.]
[Lightsaber whirs.]
[Breathing heavily continues.]
What's good, Robert?! What's really good?! - [Shouting indistinctl.]
- Granddad: [Grunts.]
[Sighs.]
Aah! That's right, Robert! I'm you! [Laughing evilly.]
Granddad: Aah! [Screaming.]
[Breathing heavily.]
[Indistinct talking.]
Riley: I can't believe you going out like this, granddad.
- Granddad: Nigga, hush! - [Telephone ringing.]
Uh, yes, I-I just want to make sure that the sergeant know it's Robert Freeman.
I'm at the mall, and I'm gonna be attacked by this crazy nigga at any time.
Okay? So they're on their way? Okay, just making sure.
Riley: Granddad, you do this, you really gonna be a bitch-ass nigga.
I mean, I shouldn't be surprised 'cause if I Google "bitch nigga," I'll find you, but damn! Ow! I'm afraid to show my face! Hey, look who's coming.
[Indistinct shouting.]
[Spectators booing.]
Go home, old man! You're a loser! [Booing continues.]
- [Cheers and applause - Well, well, well! You ready for one more ass-whupping?! You're going down! Granddad: I will not fight you, Stinkmeaner.
Say what, nigga?! You not gonna fight?! [Spectators booing.]
Then why'd you come?! Nigga, you could've told me you's a bitch over the phone! Granddad: I came because I'm not afraid of you! But I'm tired of acting like a nigga! I'm an old man.
I'm dignified.
I watch PBS.
All y'all should be ashamed! This has gone too far! Now, I've already called the police, so everyone should just go home! - [Spectators booing.]
- Come on, fight, old man! Fight! [Siren wailing.]
Aw, hey! [Guns cock.]
[Cane clatters.]
- Ruined everything! - [Indistinct shouting.]
This ain't over, Robert! We got your back, Stinkmeaner! Granddad: [Hums.]
It worked.
[Humming.]
It worked.
[Humming.]
[Doorbell rings.]
Hey! Ed Wuncler, my favorite billionaire! What can I do for you? Well, I heard about your little incident, and I wanted to see if you were okay.
Granddad: Oh, I'm fine.
That's good because I brought a friend over.
[Laughs evilly.]
What's good, nigga?! You thought you got rid of me?! Granddad: [Gasps.]
Still here.
And you's still a bitch [Laughs.]
I love this guy so entertaining! Granddad: But he's supposed to be in jail! I know, yes.
I took it upon myself to bail him out, as well as bribe the district attorney to drop the case.
You really should stop snitching, Robert.
What happened to this country when two grown men can't settle their differences in a bloody street fight? I thought maybe we could come in and have a chat.
Granddad: No, absolutely not! That monster is not stepping one foot in my house! Well, technically speaking, it's my house, remember? The one that's underwater, the one you and your children live in out of the little warmth in my cold, hard heart! [Slurps.]
What the fuck kind of lemonade is this bullshit? So, as you know, we're still not where we need to be with this house.
You owe me a lot of money, and I started thinking this hilarious thing you guys do together could be the answer! Granddad: This man is a psychopathic stalker, and we don't do anything funny together! The people feel differently, Robert It would be good business to do one more.
Granddad: No, absolutely not! Out of the question! Just one more.
Everything will be legal.
If one of you accidently gets killed, no problem.
We can do pay per view, a little mini doc to go with it, maybe even go to different cities.
Think of it like the WWE.
Except it'll really be me kicking yo bitch ass every night, you punk-ass faggot-ass bitch! What you guys do together is like watching the Harlem Globetrotters beat the Washington Generals, except it's an old, black man kicking another old, black man's ass! Granddad: [Sighs.]
I don't want to do this! Why do I have to keep fighting this man? I killed him already! Riley: Granddad, you got to take all that anger you've been feeling and hold onto it real tight! Focus on it, and so on fight night in two weeks, that's how you're gonna find the strength to beat this nigga in front of the whole world! Granddad: Yeah.
Riley: He made you look like a punk in front of everybody! Now he living it up, getting money.
He's on TV.
I seen him on TMZ.
Got some bad bitches, too Bad ones.
- Granddad: [Shouts.]
- [Laughing evilly.]
[Laughing evilly continues.]
Granddad: [Growls.]
[Grunting.]
[Grunts.]
[Sighs.]
We'd like to thank tonight's sponsors chicken and sugar water! Riley: Man, is that that new Stinkmeaner sketch comedy show on TBS? That nigga's everywhere! Take that rage, put it in your fists, granddad.
Huey: Riley, you notice anything different about granddad? Riley: Hell yeah! I'm noticing a lot different about granddad! He ain't never gonna get his ass beat again, and it's all because of me! I told him to take all that hate, hold onto it! Granddad: Stupid politicians are stupid.
Everybody's fucking stupid, God damn it.
What what what is this shit here? What is this a fucking cooking show? [Grunts.]
Huey: He keeps bumping into things.
When he's not working out, this is all he does.
Granddad: Fuck, it's all a bunch of bullshit anyway.
Oh, they're a bunch of fucking liars.
The president is a liar.
Tom: I think there may be a problem.
Granddad: Only problem is you motherfucker think I can't hear you! Tom: [Whimpers.]
Hi, Mr.
Freeman.
Unh! Hey! Granddad: Damn it, watch where you're going, bitch! What the fuck is wrong with you?! Shit I ought to whup your big ass! Now get the fuck out of my way! - Riley: Slow down, granddad! - Huey: Granddad, watch out for that curb! Riley: Ow! I can't find my seat belt! [Car horns honking.]
Huey: Whoa, hey, granddad, I think we should talk about your eyesight and whether it's safe to drive.
Granddad: I've been driving my whole life! I don't need to know how to see to drive! Shut up! [Tires screeching.]
Now, what the fuck is this?! I hate when people do that.
I hate it! I hate it! I fucking Hate it! That was supposed to be our space! You know what? You know what?! Fuck That! That's our space, God damn it! [Tires squealing.]
Huey: Granddad, what are you doing?! Stop the car! Riley: I don't want to die! There! Now stick that up your ass! My car! You hit my car! Granddad: Your fault for parking like a fucking asshole! Huey: Granddad, wait! Let's get out.
Oh! Man! Riley: We can't get out! [Grunts.]
Granddad: Yes, I said it! Hey, little girl.
Your daddy parked like a fucking asshole.
[Cackles.]
Now, won't you be my neighbor motherfucker.
Huey: He's trying to start a nigga moment! Granddad: I'm from a town called Whup Mr Aah! [Grunts.]
- Huey: Run! - Granddad: [Grunts.]
Huey: We're sorry! We'll pay for the damage! Just run! Granddad: [Grunts.]
We will not! You little niggas, get off of me! Come on, honey, let's walk the other way and call the police.
Granddad: [Grunting.]
- Riley: Stay down! Stay down, please! - Granddad: Get off me! - Riley: Please stay down! - Granddad: [Grunting.]
I'm kicking that motherfucker's ass tomorrow! Riley: What do you think Too much hate maybe? [Bag pounding.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Yeah, Stinkmeaner! [Chanting.]
Stinkmeaner! Stinkmeaner! Stinkmeaner! - Kill them! Yeah! - We love you! We love you! [Indistinct shouting.]
[Cheers and applause.]
[Bell rings.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Oh, fight! You ready for this, you bitch-ass aah! Oh, I see now! Did you take some karate classes? Whoa! [Both grunting.]
Ohh! - Granddad: [Shouts.]
- Aah! [Sighs.]
Goddamn, nigga, that shit hurt! Aah! You you missed me, nigga! [Laughs.]
- Granddad: [Grunts.]
- [Both grunts.]
Granddad: [Shouts.]
- Agh! - [All gasp.]
Huey: We have to stop it! Riley: No, we don't.
Agh! Shit! Fuck, fuck, agh! Ohh! Agh! Agh! Agh! [Bleep.]
What kind of fuck are you[Moans.]
agh! Uh, all right, Robert.
- Granddad: [Grunts.]
[Grunts.]
- [Screaming.]
[Moaning.]
[Sighs.]
Granddad: [Shouts.]
Huey: Hey, stop this! Granddad, stop! Listen to me! We don't have to make the same mistakes! We can learn! We're not niggas, granddad! [Cane clatters.]
[Coughs.]
[Moaning.]
[Sighs.]
Granddad: If I let you live, you are going to leave me alone, and if I see you again, I'm gonna I'm gonna call the police and file for a restraining order! But what about the fight tour?! Yeah, you know, this didn't really go as expected.
When you were the one getting beaten, Robert, it was fun! Deal's off! Granddad: Will you please go fuck with somebody else?! Sure, Robert.
All you had to was ask.
I don't even know you.
I'm just the clone.
Granddad: That's it.
I think it's finally over.
Let's go home.
Hey, hey! One of you niggas call me an ambulance! [Cicadas chirping.]
Hey, Robert! What y'all eating, Robert?! How come you never invite ya boy Stinkmeaner over for dinner, Robert?! That's fucked up, you selfish-ass, hungry-ass nigga! Riley: Yo, so, you mean, like, Stinkmeaner just gonna be around from, like, now on? Are you ignoring me?! Granddad: This is what I get for doing the right thing?! Robert! Granddad: You got to be kidding me! Come on out here, nigga! Granddad: Nigga, what's wrong with you?! Stop all that yelling, and get off my yard! I'm not on your yard, Robert! Look, I'm on the sidewalk, nigga! I'm on public property, nigga! That's fucked up! You can't just tell me what you're eating for dinner! Granddad: Stop coming around here! Knew I should've killed your ass again.
Come on, Robert! I'm a nigga clone! Annoying you is all I know how to do! [Cackling maniacally.]
Stinkmeaner forever, Stinkmeaner forever, stink Meaner, Stinkmeaner Stinkmeaner foreve, forever, nigga, yea Stinkmeaner forever Stink, stink, stink, stink, stink S-T-I-N-K-meaner Stinkmeaner forever, Stinkmeaner Stinkmeaner, yeah, yeah Stinkmeaner forever, unh, unh, unh Hey, hey, hey, yeah