The Cleveland Show s04e09 Episode Script

My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
You know, I just watched a Valentine's special on the OWN network-- you know, the network Oprah wasted $2 billion on? No, I assumed Oprah had died.
Mm-hmm.
So, Oprah was doing a show about renewing your wedding vows.
She said a renewal ceremony can strengthen a marriage.
Oprah, who's never been married, said that? Oh, Cleveland, it's not just Oprah.
All my friends have done this.
Mary, Sybil, Edith, Lavinia, O'Brien, Mrs.
Patmore, The Dowager Countess Those are aren't your friends, that's that cast of Downton Abbey! Aha! You did watch it.
Don't tell the guys.
Cleveland, we're doing this.
For Valentine's Day, I want us to have a vow renewing ceremony.
Oh, God! I divided our tasks.
I split up what we need to get done beforehand.
What?! Build a gazebo? Rent a tuzedo? And where, pray tell, do you think I'm going to find Please? After the ceremony, I'll let you do that thing I promised you could do on our wedding night that I lied about and didn't let you do that I'm probably still lying about now.
I'm in! My refrigerator, Perry! He's dead! Oh, why did I push Perry so hard? Poor appliance didn't stand a chance.
Here are details for the funeral.
I'll go get Roberta and a few other ancillary characters.
So, now, when someone prank calls me and asks if my refrigerator is running, I will sadly tell them, "Not anymore.
" Not anymore.
And because of Perry, the light inside us all shines a little brighter.
But only when the door of our hearts is open.
Amazing gra No, Junior.
Nobody should have to bury their fridge.
Last nail.
What do you say, Donna? How do you plan to get this outside? Hmm? And how are your vows coming? What vows? Cleveland, the whole point of a vow renewal ceremony is to offer personalized vows.
I assumed you understood that.
Ha! Dummy.
Now help me flip this thing on its side.
Wow.
Ooh, nice tuzedo.
And why are you bringing all those rainbow weeds in here? They're flowers, Lester.
They smell like our toilet spray.
Yeah, well, it's too hot in the car; they'd wilt.
And I still have to write my vows.
Dude, you're a little high-strung.
You want to take off your shirt and I'll give you a massage? Not gay if other dudes are watching.
All right, you heard him.
None of you may look away.
Get to work, Holt.
Mm.
Lester, will hand me my Cars 2 Trapper Keeper? All righty, let's see.
Vows.
"I, Cleveland"-- good start-- "being of sound mind" Probably need a verb here.
To run? "I, Cleveland, to run" Ran? Did the guy already do the run? Ah.
"I, Cleveland" Ah, screw it.
Writing's hard.
That's why only Aaron Sorkin and Fscott Fitzgerald can do it.
If you ask me, I think You know what, Holt? Enough.
Cleveland, you're approaching this from the wrong perspective.
Don't you get it? You can renegotiate your marital contract to your advantage.
I do that with Kendra every six months.
Last week, I finally got her to agree to close the garage door when she's dropping a grumpy.
Big win for me.
Big win for all of us.
You're right.
I can define the marriage on terms any man would want.
And Donna will appreciate it, too, because it'll be a relationship built on honesty.
And that's all women want: the truth.
And money.
Man, why did I pick the bedroom all the way at the end of the hall? If I knew then how fat I'd be now Perry has come back from the dead to exact his revenge! The prophecy is true! No, you dumb oaf, he wasn't dead.
The outlet you had him plugged into was dead.
So, I dug him up, cleaned him off, and he's good to go.
Thanks, Rallo.
I owe you one.
Whoa, where do you think you're taking Perry? He's my fridge now.
Nuh-uh, that's my property.
I filled out a warranty and everything! Did you send it in? I meant to send it in.
Be that as it may, Junior, it was abandoned property.
And as such, all ownership rights are extinguished.
I cite the precedence set by Finders Keepers v.
Losers Weepers.
I'm bigger than you.
I'm taking what's mine.
You could, but then, what of our society? I thought we were a country of laws, not men.
You're right.
I refuse to be an instrument of our social destruction.
Fine.
Perry is yours.
I won't even miss him.
Oh.
I look better than my mama.
Don't you Pippa me, bitch! This is my day.
Dearly beloved and pilfering catering staff, we are gathered here today for an unnecessary repetition of a once-in-a-lifetime event.
And to make matters worse, I'm told you've written your own vows.
Thank you, Reverend, for your beautiful words.
Cleveland will go first.
I, Cleveland, in the spirit of making our union greater and our love stronger, do solemnly vow the following: I vow not to interfere with your kitchen duties.
I'm not good at it and don't like it.
You, however, have proven how much you enjoy it, night after night, by cooking my meals and then washing the dishes.
On that note, let's make a promise to not just fill a bowl with water to, quote, "let it soak," but let's you wash that bowl to completion, dry it and put it away.
What? I vow to keep guys' night sacred, two-to-every nights a week.
And by doing so, I will come back a better husband, relaxed from alcohol, and ready to do you just right.
I vow for us never again to watch TV together.
You just jabber through the shows anyway, and you never understand what's happening.
If you would stop jabbering, you'd know.
You're my dream.
You always have been.
You have made a mockery of my emotions and our marriage! Well.
Well, Tim, I owe you one dollar.
She reacted exactly as you said.
Yay! Yoo-hoo! Hi! There you are.
Missed you at the reception.
You know who's a good dancer? Gus.
Nobody touched the crostinis that you insisted on.
And, Donna, if any part of this was my fault, I'm sorry.
Cleveland, a phoned-in apology is not going to be enough this time.
This is the 21st century-- it won't be phoned in, I'm faxing it.
Donna, you have a fax.
I mean it.
You humiliated me in front of our townspeople.
But more than that, that's how you see our marriage? A bunch of constant annoyances? That's a trick question.
If I say yes, you'll get mad.
If I say no, I'm lying.
Cleveland, this is a crisis.
We need marriage counseling.
Marriage counseling? How much is that going to cost? $80 a week.
$80?! Do you know how many inches of five-dollar foot-longs we could buy with that? See, what would you rather have? A happy marriage or lots of sandwich? Lots of sandwich! That'll be all, buddy.
Cleveland, we're going to marriage counseling, and that's final.
Fine, but I will do nothing but groan.
Like this.
And mutter like this.
Marriage counseling.
Perry! Rallo must've changed his mind! This is what I imagined was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction.
I see you notice the hotel-quality minibar.
I took the liberty of stocking it up for you.
Here's a list of prices for reference.
What?! You want me to pay eight dollars for a package of six peanut M&M's?! God, no.
I want you to pay eight dollars for a package of six peanut M&M's in your room.
I see what you're doing, but it won't work.
I'm going to go down to the store and stock up on treats for a tenth of the price.
You're right, Junior.
Enjoy your quarter-mile trip.
Quarter mile? No, I can make it.
It's got to be, what, Stay warm.
I'll be fine.
Cartoons! Cleveland, I'm sounding like a broken record here, but what Donna is saying is a reasonable request.
Oh, so you agree with Donna on that, too! So, that makes the score nine-to-nothing.
There's no score, Cleveland.
This isn't about winning.
She's right, Cleveland.
Ten-nothing.
Slaughter rule, I'm out of here.
I sense your frustration, Cleveland.
But Donna wasn't asking you to renew your vows so you could change the parameters of your marriage.
She was asking you to reaffirm your love and commitment to her.
Word for word, that's exactly what I told him.
I never heard Donna say anything close that that.
Cleveland, I believe that you never heard Donna say that.
Yeah! I finally get on the board.
Because you were not listening to Donna.
You've got a slappable face, you know that? I understand marriage counseling is stressful, Cleveland.
So, I'm going to write you a prescription.
Come on, Xanax.
Daddy needs some Xanax.
"800 milligrams of listening to Donna five times a day"? And I should warn you, side effects may include: a stronger marriage.
And who knows, you might even enjoy the things she likes to do.
Lingerie pillow fight! What an interesting name for a modern art piece.
It has a magnificent otherness.
Mm-hmm.
Magnificent.
Negative space.
Bryant Gumbel.
Get it? Black square.
Wasting my best stuff at a museum.
Come on, stomach, now you're being silly.
No chocolate covered almond is worth $16.
Even you have to admit that.
I'm sorry.
No, I want it, too.
Maybe just one.
You're welcome.
And next time, Cleveland, maybe instead of telling her not to cry because she's tired, you can try crying with her.
Oh, Doctor, you are an angel sent from heaven.
Can I use your crapper? Certainly.
Here's the key.
Cleveland, let me try an experiment here.
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.
Hmm.
Did you notice you didn't clap? Yeah, that's for one of two reasons: either you're happy and you don't know it, or you're not happy.
Or I suppose you may just not want to show it.
The test is flawed.
What I'm trying to say to you is: how'd you like to win? Why did your eyes narrow like that? I'm just saying, for the right price, I could start making things go your way.
Maybe for an extra $100 a week, hmm? You're asking me to bribe you to take my side in disputes with my wife?! Yes, you're right.
It was inappropriate to suggest Bah-bah-bah! I simply needed half a second to absorb the magnitude of your obscene proposal.
Do you know today's date? Ah.
You know, Donna, your abrupt departure facilitated-- which means "led to"-- a breakthrough with Cleveland.
I think giving him a little freedom might actually solidify your bond.
Are you sure? But I thought Do not argue with the man! He's a doctor, kinda! Thank you.
We'll see you in a week.
Wait two days before you cash that check.
Wait 20 minutes before you go into that bathroom.
Cleveland, you've been bouncing on that trampoline for three hours.
Donna, what has Dr.
Nerse been telling us the past few sessions? To support your inner child, because your father never did.
Right.
Jordan! Ah! Say it, say it.
Swish.
There it is! Morning, sir.
I assume everything has been to your satisfaction thus far? What are you doing in my room? Restocking.
But I only had one or two treats.
Your wastebasket disagrees, sir.
I have a problem! Well, here's another one.
$1,300.
89?! That's ridiculous! How am I going to pay for that?! No idea.
Of course, I'd stop eating if I were you.
Right, right, stop eating.
Oh, who am I kidding? I'm in the 'Blerone Zone.
But this is it.
I swear.
How are you doing that? Why can't I quit you? Dr.
Nerse, this is how he dressed for my niece's baptism yesterday.
Jesus is a Cowboys fan.
Jesus loves soccer! Donna, Cleveland is correct.
Jesus is a Cowboys fan.
Thank you, Dr.
Nerse.
Wait in the car, Donna.
The men need to talk.
Doc, you're a miracle worker.
Eh, I'm glad you're happy with the results, Cleveland.
But I'm afraid there's been a price increase.
Whatever it is, I'll pay it.
What'd it go up to? 101, 103? It's gone up to coming over Saturday night and sleeping with my wife.
I beg your you-got-to-be--me? My wife has always wanted to have sex with a black man.
And like most Jews, I only know one black person.
And that's you.
You know, Doc, I think my marriage is feeling all better now.
So, this will be all If you don't sleep with my wife, I'll have no choice but to tell Donna you bribed me.
I see.
Let me ask you, Cleveland, how would that make her feel, hmm? Happy or sad? Sad.
That's right.
So, you'll do what I say.
Okay.
Now, be careful, I got pancakes in there.
Absolutely, ma'am.
I'll bring them up to your room after you settle in.
I hope you're here to pay me.
I am.
But I'm not paying with money.
I'm paying with the law! It's says, "Not for resale.
" Rallo Tubbs, you're guilty of over 1,200 counts of reselling a food item that is not for resale.
You'll never get me! Please, Junior, I'll do anything.
Just don't turn me in, I can't go back.
Everything about me is much too pretty.
All right, but under one condition.
You name it.
Give me full custody of the fridge, erase all my debt, and shave one of those fake parts in your Afro like Arnold Drummond had.
Who? Gary Coleman! Wow.
All that sadness, and now forgotten.
Oh, my God, I can't my therapist's wife! But my therapist won't let me not my therapist's wife! What if you just lightly her? Not even that.
I made a vow never to cheat on Donna.
Although, what if I rewrote the vows? Been down that road.
Landed you in treatment.
Gabriel Byrne.
David Byrne.
Burning down the house.
Bringing Down the House.
Queen Latifah.
Queen.
Freddy Much better.
Look, the reason Donna took you to counseling was to save your marriage.
And now the only way to save your marriage is to sleep with this woman.
Cleveland, unlike the gays, you have no choice.
Lester! They did not give us this platform to spread ignorance.
But for Donna's sake, I will not spend the night or cuddle.
Oh, who am I kidding? I'm a cuddler.
Now, Cleveland, my wife isn't looking for anything kinky or weird.
Can I do it with my underwear and tube socks on? Yeah, however you guys do it.
You're late.
I like that.
It's authentic.
Thank you.
What am I doing?! I, Cleveland Brown, love my wife.
But even more than that, I respect her.
And I will not be unfaithful to her as long as we both shall live.
I will no longer lie to her, nor will I lie with you.
Nor be on my knees, nor assume any type of wheelbarrow position.
I am a happily married man.
And a pretty happy guy.
And that's therapy.
And those are the vows I wanted to hear.
Dr.
Nerse, Donna! What are you doing in this bedroom?! Are you sleeping with the therapist to save our marriage? Oh, Donna.
No, Cleveland, don't you see? This was all a scheme so that you'd realize your true feelings for Donna.
Well, how about that.
It took you longer than most patients.
Most men feel too guilty to pay a bribe to gain a tactical advantage in their marriage.
What? Not me.
I knew you would never betray me, Cleveland.
Does your wife want to have sex with a black woman? We had a lot of fun tonight, but there's nothing funny about marriage counseling.
It's a waste of everyone's money and they always side with the wife.
Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!