The Conners (2018) s04e09 Episode Script

Aw, geez, there's already a line for the washer? Yeah, I got stuff in there, and she's next.
What's the hurry? Well, Neville and I haven't really been alone since Logan's been staying with him, and he's coming over to my place tonight, and I'm gonna surprise him with a sexy night.
I made some calls.
Keep your creepy sex stuff to yourself.
I don't have anything to whisper about, but while we're on the subject, tonight's the night I'm gonna be sleeping with Nick for the first time.
Here's what I got going on.
Beat that.
Oh.
Okay.
Funny, right? Unless he only has to stay a couple inches away, and then the joke's on me.
It's interesting what you think is sexy.
That's the kind of outfit I'd wear to haul an old rug to the dump.
I'm just trying to lower expectations.
This is the first guy I've slept with since Ben, and, you know, first times are almost always a disaster, right? - Not really.
- Not in my experience.
Well, I guess we know where the problem lies.
04x09 - Three Exes, Role Playing and a Waterbed It's open.
Enter the pleasure-dome.
I knew that you would like the blindfolds, and I paid them extra not to speak.
What kind of weird-ass crap is going on here? Logan.
I didn't know that you were coming.
Yeah, I caught him getting into my beer as I was leaving the house and had to bring him.
I sent you a text.
My phone is in my pants.
Where's your bathroom? You don't steal beer.
You just rent it, am I right? Yeah.
- I am so sorry.
- This keeps happening.
- I know.
- We can't have one romantic night alone.
If it's not Logan, it's something else.
Things are about to get better.
Logan's mom is sober now, and she's moving back to Lanford.
She asked me for a job, and if I hire her, she can get an apartment and Logan can move back in with her.
Oh, fantastic! That solves our problem.
I'm so sorry! I'm being so rude.
Neville, this is Johan and Gerta.
Oh, hi.
You can't see, but I'm waving.
But with Helen being newly sober, do you think it's kind of risky to hire her? No, it's not like she's a wild woman.
She's actually kind of a plain, sad-sack type.
Okay, well, then you hire her right away.
Ah, you are so lucky to live above the shop.
It's always a dream of mine to have a bookstore, as long as no customers came in and touched my precious books.
Oh, this looks great.
Yeah.
Just my way of saying how fun last night was.
And I-I love the fact that you didn't dress up.
Oh, was that a shot, or were you trying to be sincere? Hey, I prefer clothes that are easy to get off.
I once got lost in a wrap-around dress, and by the time I found my way out of it, the woman was gone.
Oh, dammit.
- Oh, what happened? - Oh, it's the fuse again.
This happens once every couple weeks 'cause the building is so old.
And, uh, yep, must've used the last one.
Oh, well, my dad works at Olinsky's Hardware.
They should be open in about a half-hour.
Okay, Olinsky's, yeah.
Oh, did Uh, didn't you say your ex owns that store? Oh, yeah, yeah, but today's his day off.
Funny how you know your ex's schedule.
You guys still close? Oh, my God, no.
I-I can't stand him.
He's always trying to look like such a nice guy, like, "Oh, I'll give your dad a job.
I'll I'll watch movies with your son.
I'll give up my dream of being a father just to be with you.
" Like, what kind of sick son of a bitch works that hard to be a good person? Yeah, he's clearly a monster.
Don't pay.
Send a check but don't sign it.
Sign the check but don't send it.
Put back in mailbox marked "not at this address.
" And pay.
Next week.
Hey.
Harris, since you moved out, a bunch of bills have piled up for you.
Where? I don't see them.
Damn post office.
You can't depend on them anymore.
How am I supposed to pay them if I don't get them? Man.
Sometimes you don't think you're leaving anything behind for your grandchildren.
And then you see something like this, and then Don't look at me.
I'm gonna get emotional.
This bedroom furniture looks great.
Not a bad price.
This might be the stuff.
Louise would hate this.
This is the most traditional, depressing furniture I have ever seen.
People with this furniture are sleeping on rubber sheets and being turned over by strangers.
I'll help you pick out some stuff that Louise will like.
I appreciate the offer, honey, but you've got way too much on your plate already.
Hey, take the help, Grandpa, and then I'll help you decorate the rest of the house.
You get the gas, I got the match.
Yes, I'm busy, but this is important.
You need stuff that's young and fun.
Louise is a rock 'n' roll girl.
Hey! I want the bedroom to be fun, too.
There's enough stuff in there that's old and worn out.
Including you.
I was talking about the rug and the drapes.
She's on tour with a bunch of young rock 'n' roll musicians right now.
Have you seen some of these guys? - Let me see.
- Boop! You're so easy.
Since we're here so early, my dad will probably figure out that we spent the night together.
Does that really bother him? Oh, no, he'll be excited.
It means there's a chance I might move out.
Your dad's not working today.
But I'll be sure to tell him that, uh, you are sleeping with somebody.
Hi.
Ben.
Nick.
Awkward to meet you.
Yeah.
I am so sorry.
I thought it was your day off.
- We-We'll come back later.
- No, no, come on.
Don't worry about it.
You didn't know.
Your dad and I swapped days 'cause I'm moving into my new place tomorrow.
Oh, wow.
You got a place? Yeah.
Big day for surprises, huh? I mean, you didn't expect me to live in the back of the store forever, did ya? Guess you have a type guys who live in stores.
How long were you back there? Six months.
Mm-hmm.
I only did it 'cause Darlene and I were going through some stuff, and I wasn't sure if we were gonna be living together or not.
Well, obviously "not" 'cause we're estranged.
I mean, I didn't even know he was getting a place.
I don't even know where it is.
Don't tell me.
You're no longer part of my life.
Okay.
So, uh, we're really just here for one of these.
Oh, yeah.
Hey! Dick Butkus from the Bears.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, man.
I really miss watching the Bears' games at the bars.
At least the ones I can remember.
I used to drink pretty hard when the Bears won.
Or lost.
Or tied.
Or didn't play 'cause it was baseball season.
Well, how do you feel about watching one with her ex? I'm going to the Lunch Box tomorrow night.
Think it'd be okay.
I mean, you are estranged.
Great! All right, well, just get rid of the old ball and chain and come by.
You sell bolt cutters so I can get away? Yeah, yeah, just 'cause he does the joke doesn't mean you need to.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, honey.
How was class? Good.
My psychology professor was going on and on about how easily people are distracted nowadays.
And I remembered you needed a bedroom set, so I made this.
It's a design board for your new bedroom.
See, it has furniture samples for scale and tone and brighter accessories for fun.
Thanks, honey.
I can't believe you found the time to do that.
Now throw that out and come take a gander at what I did.
- Hi, Mommy.
- What do you think? Honey, why don't you go play your goldfish game in the living room? And Mommy will be right in.
- Okay.
- Okay.
You said cool and fun.
Nothing is cooler and funner than an old-school, full-wave waterbed.
Wow.
I didn't realize anybody was still making this stuff.
And why isn't anybody stopping them? There are still artisans out there who march to the beat of their own LSD-fueled drummer.
Lay down.
You sure? What if I become too groovy? Huh? How cool is that? Ah, you hate it, right? No, it's nice.
I didn't realize how long it's been since I just laid down to relax.
Mommy, the game isn't working.
What happened? It was dirty, so I washed it in the toilet.
Well, I got a whole 30 seconds to myself.
That was restful.
Think I'm gonna do it again next year.
- Yes! - Yeah! Hi.
Are you Jackie? Yeah.
How can I help you? - I'm Helen.
- Helen? Logan's mom? You're Logan's mom, Helen? Are you sure? Unless my C-section was recreational, then yeah.
Um, I just wanted to bring you something to say thanks for helping with Logan.
When I was moving to Lanford, I found bottles I hid from myself when I was drinking, and now they make great gifts.
Well, it's a shame you weren't a gambler and hid money.
Um, and thank you for encouraging Neville to hire me.
I don't think I would've been that cool with my boyfriend hiring someone he was engaged to in college.
Well, some people might've said I was an idiot, but I like to rely on my reputation as a person who turns truly dangerous when someone I've helped betrays me.
Well, I should get going.
Starting work tomorrow.
Big day.
I'm sure we'll be seeing each other.
Oh, yeah, we will.
I drop by the vet clinic unannounced all the time.
You think I'm not there, and then all of a sudden, I'm there! Who was that? Logan's mom, Helen.
- That's a Helen? - That's a Helen?! Right? That's not a Helen! A Helen has arm flaps and one stray whisker long enough to reach one of the arm flaps.
Neville totally downplayed her.
You know why? They were engaged in college.
Okay, but that was forever ago.
What do you think's gonna happen? Come on! They're working elbow-to-elbow, saving lives.
Passions could reignite.
In a vet clinic? They're gonna be elbow-to-elbow separating a goat from its testicles.
And then the goat flatlines and they lose him, and they have to find comfort in each other's arms! Yes, clearly I didn't think it through.
Well, so, how'd you guys meet? Oh, she came into the bookstore where I work, and she was asking questions, looking for help on her spiritual journey.
You're on a spiritual journey? Yeah, I thought I could use a little introspection to change my attitude and help me with my relationships.
Oh.
Introspection, huh? Wow.
You sure you want to see what's growing in that cave? - Hey, Nick.
- Oh, hey! Uh, you made it.
Um, Darlene, Ben, this is Heather.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I thought I'd invite her 'cause I-I thought you guys would really get along.
Well, Nick knows I just went through a bad breakup - and was sitting home alone.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I've been going through the same thing.
Hmm.
I'm not sure what your ex-boyfriend put you through, but my ex was brutal.
Oh, that'd be me.
He's just having a little fun.
I'm actually a very nice person that just wanted to get married.
Yeah, and and Ben's a great guy.
As long as you're not looking for somebody who takes marriage and commitment seriously.
Yeah, you know, I don't ask much from a relationship.
It's like, be nice, you know, have a sense of humor, uh, don't take any dudes to Hawaii behind my back.
Uh, yeah, it was platonic.
I didn't take the guy.
I just invited him.
Some people can't move on.
Oh! You hear that, Heather? It's all my fault now.
Yeah.
Hey, look at that.
Finally he's taking a little responsibility.
But don't bring Heather into it.
She's lonely and just wants to have a good time.
Right.
And you know what'd help that? Beer.
Hey, now there's a pretty woman next to Ben.
That can only help.
Pitcher of beer, please.
And a straw.
You know what? Why don't we get another table - and let these two get to know each other? - Love it.
Why? Does this make you feel uncomfortable, Darlene? I mean, you've moved on.
Why can't Heather and I? Oh, you absolutely can.
What do you say, Heather? You wanna waste three years of your life? Feels like I just did.
- Sorry.
- Bye.
Gotta work on your game, buddy.
Just for the record, I didn't waste your life.
You wasted mine.
Oh, let's unpack that.
Hey, can we talk for a minute alone? Uh, yeah.
Gimme a second.
I just gotta prove him wrong.
Yeah, you can do that right after we talk.
Oh, sure.
Don't you go anywhere.
You mean like Hawaii? Can you believe this guy? I mean, you see it, right? I do.
But I don't think it's what you see.
This might be the O'Doul's talking, but I'm pretty sure you and Ben still have feelings for each other.
Oh, God.
Where is that coming from? I don't know, just every word you two said to each other.
What? Look, Darlene, I really like you.
But we're just starting, and already there's signs that you and Ben aren't over.
I think I should just step out and let you guys work through things.
Wait, so you're you're breaking it off with me? You know, maybe after you and Ben get married and divorced, we can revisit this, but for right now I'm gonna go.
So you you can't even handle a little trash talking? What happened to all the Zen nonsense about going with the flow? Fine.
Take off, loser.
Okay, I no longer want to revisit this.
Mm.
- These are for you.
- Oh.
Is that FTD's "Lie of Omission" bouquet? I talked with Helen at work, and she told me that you guys met.
Obviously, when we talked about me hiring her, I may have left out one salient detail.
That you were engaged to her? - That would be the one, yes.
- Mm.
But I broke it off with her 20 years ago.
And you and I have our health, so let's just rejoice in that.
Well, you have your health now.
Whether or not that continues will be based on your answers to the following questions.
Do you still maintain that Helen is a plain sad-sack? Hey, you know what, these flowers could use some water.
Neville! How am I supposed to feel about you working every day with a woman that you loved enough to propose to? But don't love anymore.
The only thing I need from Helen is that she knows her way around an animal's intestinal tract.
Oh, I bet she does.
- What is that supposed to mean? - I don't even know.
I wasn't sure if I was done being mad or not, so I just said something.
I swear I will make this up to you.
But for now, how about you come out and play two-on-two with me and the boys? You can foul me as much as you want.
I'm not gonna play, but I'll come watch.
I'm open! Oh, hey! I hope you don't mind me coming by.
I got off early and I came to pick up Logan, and they insisted I play a quick game.
No, that's a great idea.
I'm gonna play, too.
- She's pretty good.
- Yeah.
I'm pretty good, too.
Played a little ball in high school.
Oh, that's something we have in common.
I played a little ball in college.
I was starting forward when I met Neville.
You and your mom versus me and your boyfriend.
I guard Helen.
O-kay.
I'll ref so no one punches someone else in the face.
I'm open! Nice D, Aunt Jackie! Are you okay?! Yeah, no, I'm fine.
Just let me walk it off.
- Ooh! Oh! - Okay, just stay down a minute.
Here.
Let me take a look at your ankle.
No! You're a vet tech.
You don't touch my hocks.
All right.
Well, just call me after the doctor looks at the x-rays.
Listen, I just wanted to apologize for stirring things up with Nick.
Well, you should.
Uh, I mean, you totally screwed up my relationship with him.
Is it really a relationship? You've been on like five dates with the guy.
What does that have to do with anything? I was stupid enough to fall in love with you after only like two dates.
That's 'cause I'm fabulous.
Unlike Nick.
I mean, what kind of loser lives in a store he doesn't own? Oh, Nick's a loser? You were such a jerk that Heather ran out of there like she was on fire.
Well, I believe that was more your doing, unable to let go of things that happened between us months ago.
Oh, no.
I have let go.
That's why it's crazy that Nick thought that you and I were still in love.
That's why he broke up with me.
He broke up with you? Yeah.
Why would he say that? You're not still harboring some secret feelings for me, are you? Mm, no.
I got nothing left in the harbor.
It was wiped out by the hurricane of your deceit.
Yeah, well, I don't either.
I can honestly say that I hope you find somebody.
Oh, thanks.
Anything you want to say to me? Oh, sure, yes.
I can honestly say that I don't wish you on anybody.
See, that's why I'm healthier than you, because I really do hope you find somebody that you truly love.
And that that person gives you the most virulent strain of herpes this world has ever seen.
Oh, man, just knowing that you care means a lot.
Are you done talking? 'Cause you are giving me a terrific headache on top of this hangover.
Well, let me help.
I, uh I still remember your vegan hangover cure.
Now, it's red pepper, garlic, broccoli, coconut water, right? Yeah.
Thanks.
Uh, don't put too much red pepper in.
It makes me nauseous.
Yeah, I know exactly how much red pepper to give you.
Oh.
- How you doing, Jackie? - All good.
The doctor insisted on the boot as a precaution, but I'll be right as rain by tomorrow.
Okay, great.
Um, the boys want to go to dinner at Dave & Buster's.
- Can you make that? - No, but you go ahead.
- Okay.
- I'll stay.
No, no.
Go ahead.
Well, all right, but I'll come right back, and I'll bring you some dinner.
Okay.
I look forward to the doggy bag.
Wow, you and I having dinner together.
- It's like old times.
- Yeah.
Hmm.
Wow.
What happened?! I don't know! Freakiest thing Neville's assistant ran in here and broke a vase and then ran out.
I think she's jealous of me.
Why are you dragging me in here? I've seen the bed, and it's an abomination.
Because of this.
You're doing so much for everybody else, you deserve a night to yourself.
I'm gonna spend the night down in the basement and mind Beverly Rose so you can just chill.
Oh! Thanks, Dad.