The Exes (2011) s04e09 Episode Script

Hi, hi.
Sorry I'm late but I'm ready to work.
On a Saturday.
Yay.
Looks like someone didn't get home last night.
Well, if you must know, I was pulling an all-nighter to prepare for an exam.
Please, you smell like a brewery, or in your case, a micro-brewery.
Okay, I was out partying with some friends but I'm all business now.
All right, fine.
Take off the hat, we'll get to work.
I don't wanna.
- Why not? - Bad hair day.
- What's going on? - Nothing's going on.
"Skank!" I wonder how that got there.
Seriously, what is going on? Okay, I'm pledging zeta zeta phi and it's hell week.
Zeta zeta phi.
You're joining a sorority? Now that I'm back in college, I want the full experience.
Why didn't you just tell me? 'Cause I was afraid you would think sororities were silly.
- Silly? - No.
I think they're frivolous, exclusionary, and elitist.
But if you want to waste your time at zeta zeta ramma lamma ding dong, you go right ahead.
Thanks for the support.
But for your information, sororities are more than jell-o shots and parties.
They encourage academic excellence and raise money for charity.
You're right.
It's a noble tradition.
Now go wash that "skank" off your forehead.
Excuse me.
Would you mind watching my bag while I get a soda? My iPad and wallet are inside, and I'd hate for anyone to take it.
Let me take a wild guess.
You're from out of town, right? It's that obvious? I guess I should work on my streetwise look.
That wouldn't scare a squirrel, but it is cute.
I'm Haskell Lutz.
May I have a seat? Please.
I'm Stacy Moore.
This is my first time in New York.
I literally just got off the bus.
Well, as mayor of this fine city, welcome.
You're not the mayor.
See? You're already getting streetwise.
Okay, it's my hotel.
Hello? This is she.
But I made a reservation.
Okay, I understand.
That doesn't sound good.
My hotel double-booked my room, and it was the only place I could afford.
I guess I have to catch the next bus home.
It was nice meeting you, Haskell.
Wait a minute! Don't go.
But I have to.
I don't have anywhere to stay.
Stay at my place.
What? We just met.
Yeah.
Sorry.
That must sound weird.
But it's completely on the up and up because I am the proprietor of an airbnb.
You are? I well, I don't know if I could afford it.
Of course you can.
It's very budget friendly.
It says so right on our website.
Which, unfortunately, is down for maintenance.
Look, why don't you stay here, and I'll go check with housekeeping, and see if the room is made up.
I'll just jot down the address for you.
Don't you have a business card? They're in my business pants.
Come on, let's straighten this place up.
I've got a woman staying over.
I didn't even know you were seeing anyone.
When did you meet her? Five minutes ago.
Not to judge, but did money change hands? Not yet, and in fact, she's paying me.
Okay, that doesn't sound right.
I met this nice girl Stacy at the bar, And I like her.
And she told me that her hotel fell through, so I told her she could stay at this one.
What? This isn't a hotel.
Of course it's not.
It's an airbnb.
You are the out of town guests, and I am the witty and charming proprietor.
What? Are you out of your mind? You expect us to be guests in our own home? Yeah, I don't know about this, Haskell.
How dare you.
After all I've put up with with you and your carnal antics.
Who was it who got up in the middle of the night and had to go find a locksmith because someone had lost the keys to the love cuffs it won't happen again.
I switched to velcro.
And what, pray tell, have you had to endured from me? Just the slow "drip, drip, drip" of your personality.
Look, it'll only be for a few days.
She'll stay in my room, I'll stay on the couch, and this way, I can keep her under my roof and woo her 24/7 until she falls for me.
I believe that's called Stockholm syndrome.
So will you help me or not? I guess I kind of owe you, so yes, I'll do it.
All right, me too.
That's her.
Welcome to apartment 4f.
A Lutz resort property.
Thank you.
Wow, this place is so nice.
Well, I strive to create a warm and inviting atmosphere.
But don't take my word for it.
Here are my other happy guests.
Hi.
Well, enough of them.
Let me show you to your accommodations.
It's so beautiful.
Fresh flowers? Gorgeous duvet? I love all feminine touches.
That's my room.
No, she can't stay in my room.
It's too late, she likes it.
Just stay in mine.
Haskell, that's a lot to ask.
Come on, how often do I ask you for anything? Daily.
Then it shouldn't surprise you.
Good god! Morning, Stuart.
Morning.
Someone's made themselves right at home.
I know I'm kind of a messy cook.
But the best part of being a guest is someone else cleans up.
Yes, yes, that is the best part.
Aw, what happened? The pan.
I I kind of forgot about it while I was in the shower.
You know funny thing, Stacy, the proprietor told me that this is a $200 hand-forged sur la table saute pan that he loved more than life itself.
Ooh, oops! Please don't tell Haskell.
I want to be able to stay at the Lutz Honolulu.
Holly, can I use your shower? What's wrong with yours? Haskell has an overnight guest who's completely trashed the bathroom.
Towels on the floor, unmentionables soaking in the sink.
I almost washed my face with a stranger's panties.
Look at you, not blushing when you said the word "panties.
" Somebody's growing up.
Aw.
Hey, your college yearbook.
Zeta zeta phi, I didn't know you were in a sorority.
I'm not.
Eden's pledging with them.
I would never join one of those Greek houses.
I mean, how lame are they, right? I was president of mine.
Why would you want to be part of a pretentious, nit-witted, collegiate caste system? You didn't get in, did you? I wanted to be a zeta zeta phi in the worst way, but they rejected me.
Well, don't feel slighted.
Greek life isn't for everyone.
Just the chosen few.
Well, they didn't choose me and all these years, I've been dying to know why.
But who knows why? They do.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah, every house keeps meticulous records as to why the pledges weren't good eno weren't accepted.
I had ours alphabetized and color-coded based on reason for rejection.
You didn't want to be a purple.
Stuart, I think I was a purple.
But now I can find out.
I'll just go there and look at my file.
No, Holly, the only people who are allowed entry to the chapter house are current or alumni members who know the secret knock and the handshake.
The song is for everyone though.
We are the men of omega omega omega very special breed are we Okay, here are the files you wanted.
On a Sunday.
Yay, again.
Thanks, sweetie.
By the way, not that you care, but I was accepted by zeta zeta phi.
My god! That's fantastic! Mwah! Good for you! Mwah! What is happening? I thought you hated sororities! Whatever gave you that idea? Yesterday.
You said they were frivolous, exclusionary, and elitist.
What are you, a court reporter? I realized I was being close-minded.
If it makes Eden happy, it makes me happy.
Happy? I'm ecstatic.
And our initiation ceremony is tonight.
I'm gonna be a zeta zeta phi girl.
Whoo-hoo! So tell me about it.
What's it like? Tell me some of the wonderful zeta zeta phi traditions.
You know, like the secret knock and handshake.
I can't give you those.
Why not? Because they're secret.
- Secret? From me.
- And so it begins.
We drift further and further apart as time goes on.
Until one day, we pass each other on the street.
You give me a cursory wave, turn to one of your sisters, and say "her? She was just someone I used to know.
" And then, as the cold wind whips the tears from my cheeks All right! All right! I'll give you the damn knock and handshake.
As long as you're comfortable with it.
Hey.
That Stacy is a disaster.
Did you see how she left the common area? Apparently in Ohio, magazines just fan themselves.
Why are you all dressed up? I have a lady coming over for a date.
And by "lady," I mean maxim model.
And by "date," I mean I'm breaking out the velcro cuffs.
Hey, guys.
Are you staying for tonight's salsa lesson? Salsa lesson? Yeah, it's all part of "Lutz fiesta night.
" This place is a real find.
Look at all you get for $31 a night.
As much as I hate to miss fiesta night, I have a date.
You mean, Erica? Beautiful girl, skimpy little dress? That's the one.
What about her? She came by when you were in the shower.
For some reason, she thought that you lived here.
But I told her you didn't even live in New York.
Then she said something about you being a liar and stormed off.
I think you're better off.
She seemed a little cuckoo.
That girl's got to go.
Yeah.
Hello, gents.
Or should I say, buenos noches.
How about we just say, "good-bye, Stacy?" Problemo, señor? Yeah, we got a problem, Haskell.
We want her out of here, now.
She ruined a date for me.
But Stacy and I had a great day I'm winning her over.
While we were feeding the ducks in central Park, our shadows touched.
Don't care.
She's out, right, Stuart? - Your shadows touched? - Dude! No, no, you're right.
She's gone.
Either you tell her or we will.
All right, all right.
Hey, Haskell, just a reminder, don't forget to put me on the waiting list for the mt.
Lutzmore in las Vegas.
Listen, Stacy, I Before I forget, I was thinking that after our salsa lesson, I'd take you up on that complimentary champagne.
With two glasses.
In my bedroom.
My pleasure.
Great.
"Thump, thump, rap.
Thump, thump, rap.
" Some secret, that's "we will rock you.
" Hi.
Hello.
The handshake.
- Welcome, sister.
- Thank you, sister.
- Please come in.
- Okay.
I'm kelsey conners, chapter president, class of 2016.
I'm Holly Franklin.
Class of A little bit before that.
It's so great when alumni come back for the initiation ceremony.
Yes, yes.
The memories.
Watching late night movies on that couch.
Sharing secrets on that couch.
Making out with boys on that couch.
Um, we just got that couch.
Well, thank god you dumped the old one.
You could get pregnant just sitting on it.
Well, it's thank to generous alums like you that we have any furniture after the fire.
The fire? There was a fire? Please tell me the records didn't burn.
No, they're safe in the mystic room.
Thank god.
I mean, that's our legacy, you know? The history of the zeta zeta phis.
"Z"-"z"-phi.
"Z"-"z"-phi.
Zeta zeta phi! Whoo! Phi! Whoo! Holy crap.
I'm zeta zeta screwed.
Where are you going, Haskell? Stacy's still here, isn't she? I don't know.
I'll have to ask the night manager.
- Haskell.
- All right, all right.
Look, she asked me to bring her a bottle of champagne into her room with two glasses.
And I'm the other glass.
Okay, Stuart, let's go.
I just hope my memory foam has amnesia.
Hello.
Room service.
Come in.
Look what I ha Good, honey, the champagne's here.
Honey? Haskell, this is my girlfriend, linsday.
You showed me how wonderful the city is, so I just had to share it with her.
- Aw, thanks, babe.
- Aw.
I'm sorry, I'm just My god.
What the hell are you doing here? Eden, there is a perfectly rational explanation.
I pledged z-z-p years ago, and they rejected me.
So that's why you were so down on me joining this sorority.
When I first got to New York, I was a shy, lonely, gawky kid, desperate to belong.
And when I didn't get in here, I was devastated.
It's been eating at me all these years.
Why wasn't I good enough? And the answer's right in this room.
Then let's find out.
- But hurry.
- Okay.
My god! This is my year! Sheesh, it's like finding the magna carta.
What are you doing? We were just We were just We were, we were.
Get your robes on girls.
We're about to start.
Sorry, let's go.
So I guess all we're waiting for now is for Satan to arrive? Sister Holly, as is our tradition, the eldest member in attendance will lead us through the initiation ceremony.
Eldest? What about her? She's no spring chicken.
Sister Holly, please commence with the house vows.
Okay Um I've decided to recite the vows as we did back in the day.
In Latin.
Ad hominem.
Amicus curae.
Habeus corpus.
E pluribus unum.
Modus operandi.
Carpe diem.
Per capita.
Coitus interruptus! What the hell are you doing? Reciting the vows.
No, you're not.
No way you're a ZZP.
How did this pathetic wannabe get in here? Who gave this outsider the secret knock? I did.
You? Why? Because she's my boss.
But more importantly, she's my friend.
Your boss? How old are you? I'm 30.
You want to know why I snuck in here? Because years ago, I rushed this sorority and I got rejected.
And I had to find out why I wasn't good enough for your cliquey little club and the answer is right here.
Okay, let's find out.
Yes.
Let's read the words that destroyed a young girl's hopes and dreams.
"Holly Franklin is a delightful young woman who will make a wonderful zeta zeta phi.
" What? Looks like they got you mixed up with a Holly Frank and sent her the acceptance letter by mistake.
I always wondered how that flat-chested dork got in here.
So I'm accepted! I'm one of you.
Let the initiation commence.
Yes, let's do this! Zeta zeta phi, whoo! Okay, I'm gonna give you both a minute to leave and then I'm calling campus police.
Fine.
But I'm posting the secret handshake on Youtube.
At toast to rejects.
Speak for yourself, I got in.
But I'm sorry you didn't.
So, Eden, as a proud member of fraternity row myself, am I in the presence of a zeta zeta phi girl? I decided sororities weren't my thing.
You didn't get in, did you? Stuart was the president of his fraternity, kappa kappa jackass.
What's going on with you guys? Well, we're stuck down here, while Haskell gets freaky upstairs.
There he is, how'd it go? Details.
Nothing much to say.
After much thought, I decided that she's not for me.
You didn't get in, did you? No, I didn't.
It turns out that the champagne for two was for Stacy and her girlfriend, Lindsay.
Well, Haskell, some clubs are even harder to join than others.
Well, at least the charade is over and I'll be getting my room back.
Nah, I have until two o'clock tomorrow.
Lucky for them they're under enough Lutz's points to qualify for a couples massage.
I'm off to get some sesame oil.